Raising Good Humans — "10 Science-Backed Ways to Build a Closer Relationship with Your Child"
Host: Dr. Aliza Pressman
Date: October 31, 2025

Episode Overview

In this solo episode, developmental psychologist and parent educator Dr. Aliza Pressman shares ten research-backed strategies to help parents, caregivers, and anyone invested in close relationships foster deeper, more connected bonds with their children. Drawing on decades of neuroscience, attachment, and developmental research, Dr. Pressman translates complex findings into actionable tools for cultivating resilience, happiness, and warmth. The tone is compassionate and realistic, reassuring parents that meaningful connection is founded on small, consistent practices—no perfection required.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Foundation: Why Close Relationships Matter

• Relationships are "the umbrella protective buffer for whatever comes your way and your children's way" (00:50).
• Research (notably Harvard's longest-running study) shows the key role of connected relationships in both longevity and happiness.
• Even just one close adult connection can dramatically buffer kids from toxic stress and foster resilience.

The 10 Strategies for Building Connection

1. Practice Emotional Co-Regulation (04:23)

• Adults’ regulated presence helps children’s nervous systems settle and tells them: "You are safe."
• Uses research from Dan Siegel on interpersonal neurobiology: our nervous systems sync with those we’re close to.
• Tools:
  • STOP technique:
    • Stop and breathe,
    • Take a moment to observe your child's state
    • Observe your own and your child’s emotional state
    • Proceed with a calm, present manner
  • Mirror your child’s energy, then gently bring it down.
  • Use your voice as a soothing tool: lower, slower tones activate safety signals.

"When caregivers remain regulated when a child is in distress...your regulation can actually activate your child's parasympathetic nervous system." — Dr. Aliza Pressman (05:15)

2. Engage in Serve and Return Interactions (11:16)

• Inspired by research from the Harvard Center for the Developing Child and Dr. Pat Kuhl.
• These back-and-forth exchanges (even with preverbal babies) build brain architecture and social skills.
• Tools:
  • Notice and respond to bids for attention within 30 seconds, especially with babies/toddlers.
  • Match your child's communication style.
  • Follow the "5 to 1" ratio: aim for at least five positive to every corrective interaction.

"Serve and return...it's like a ping pong match or a tennis match. That’s where the metaphor comes from." (12:30)

3. Create Predictable Rituals and Routines (16:18)

• Predictability is comforting—“boring is soothing.”
• Rituals reduce cortisol and free the brain for richer connection.
• Examples: weekly pancake breakfasts, family game nights, bedtime songs, family handshakes.
• Use transition objects or predictable phrases/songs for smoother daily transitions.

"Families that have consistent brain rituals have children with better emotion regulation and stronger family bonds." (17:35)

4. Practice Authentic Vulnerability (21:45)

• Model emotional courage and show kids it’s normal to seek support or make mistakes.
• Share age-appropriate struggles but never burden kids with responsibility for your emotions.
• Admit mistakes and model making amends.
• Invite children to help meaningfully.

"Parents who share age-appropriate struggles actually raise more resilient kids than parents who try to be, you know, 'perfect.'" (22:02)

5. The Power of Physical Touch (26:25)

• Safe, affectionate touch releases oxytocin and reduces cortisol.
• Children who receive regular affectionate touch have better stress regulation and stronger immune systems.
• The "20-second hug" is a family ritual in Dr. Pressman's home.

"Do not underestimate the power of touch...offering consistent, safe touch, human touch is so effective." (27:30)

6. Implement Mindful Listening (30:01)

• Dan Siegel’s COAL approach: Curious, Open, Accepting, and Loving.
• Mindful listening strengthens children’s sense of self and communication skills.
• Techniques:
  • Put away devices, make eye contact (if comfortable)
  • Reflect back what your child says before offering advice
  • Use prompts like, "Tell me more about that" to encourage sharing

"Being curious, open, accepting, and loving...activates social engagement systems in the brain." (31:15)

7. Foster Shared Joy and Laughter (36:44)

• Laughter together is neurologically bonding and emotionally restorative.
• Shared humor and family inside jokes connect generations and diffuse tension.

"You probably won't regret humor. I have regretted responding to a tense moment...with my own snapping." (38:10)

8. Support Unique Expression and Autonomy (39:29)

• Research shows autonomy support (Self-Determination Theory) strengthens bonds.
• Celebrate children’s individuality, offer choices, respect differing viewpoints.
• Providing autonomy is about balance—boundaries still matter.

"Feeling like you are worthy for exactly who you are is going to make it much easier to move through the world." (40:05)

9. Practice Repair and Reconnection (43:30)

• The “rupture and repair” approach: come back together after conflict and model forgiveness.
• Nature of relationships is not to avoid conflict but to repair it quickly—within 24 hours if possible (Gottman Institute guideline).
• Model forgiving yourself too.

"Successful repair attempts are so much more important than avoiding conflict." (43:45)

10. Cultivate Gratitude and Appreciation (46:06)

• Practicing gratitude rewires the brain for positivity and connection.
• Tools include:
  • Daily verbal appreciations for each family member
  • Gratitude notes in a jar or on a wall
  • Active noticing and explicit appreciation for small things

"...Wiring, hunting for the good is such a good resilience building tool." (47:01)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "You know, you're awesome, you know, you're lovable and loving. So let's make sure that's coming across and that your kids are getting that sense as well." — Dr. Pressman (03:16)
• "The small, consistent changes are what create profound shifts over time." (48:10)
• "Connection is not a destination, it is a practice. And when you practice, things get stronger." (48:45)

Important Timestamps

• 00:50 — Importance of close relationships, research context
• 04:23 — Emotional co-regulation explained
• 11:16 — Serve and return interactions, the science and how-tos
• 16:18 — Power of routines and rituals
• 21:45 — Vulnerability and modeling repair
• 26:25 — Value of physical touch
• 30:01 — Mindful listening and the COAL approach
• 36:44 — Shared laughter and joy
• 39:29 — Supporting autonomy and unique expression
• 43:30 — Rupture and repair, forgiving yourself
• 46:06 — Gratitude practices for family connection
• 48:10 — Final reflection: connection as practice

Summary & Takeaways

• These ten approaches, based on established science, offer a roadmap for intentionally cultivating strong, resilient connections with your child.
• Dr. Pressman encourages picking just one practice to start, reminding listeners that it’s the "small, consistent changes" that yield meaningful growth and connection.
• Overarching message: You don’t need to be perfect—just present, willing, and engaged. Connection is an ongoing, mutual practice.