← Raising Good Humans
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The following podcast is a Dear Media Production. Welcome to Raising good humans. I'm Dr. Eliza Pressman and today I am doing a solo episode because I got a lot of requests for this. A lot of people are thinking about gratitude right now because Thanksgiving is coming up. But what I am hearing more of is I just don't want my kids to be entitled. So how do I prevent my kids from growing up entitled when they have so much in their lives that can confuse them and make them act entitled? And Here are my 10 ways rooted in science with a little sprinkle of practical that can just be gauges on small ways we can make changes so that we are not raising entitled kids. If you enjoy this kind of episode, please write a review in Apple Podcasts. Just like a quick little something, I actually think you can do it in Spotify too. It helps get the word out, it helps me know what you want to hear. And it's super helpful. And of course, you know I have a book, the five Principles of Parenting. Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans. There's a lot about this in there and on my substack that's free. You can get all of this information on my website, dreliza. Com. I also on the website have a way for you to get in touch and a way for you to sign up for the extra zoom that we do once a month for Substack subscribers. And you can actually see a lot of the episodes divided both by age and topic of interest in case, you know, there are now over 300 episodes. And I know that a lot of people want to see what topics are most relevant to them. So first of all, I just want to say that one of the things that distinguishes privilege and entitlement is gratitude. So it does make a lot of sense over this sort of time of year where we talk about gratitude a lot. But here are some things that you can do. So number one, do a gratitude hunt. That means once a day, no matter what the mood, no matter what miserable, happy, or somewhere in between thing is happening, hunt for something good. This is something we can model and then we can get our kids to do it. That might mean that when you're rushing to the car to go to school, drop off, you stop and you see a flower and, and you note that it just is so beautiful. It doesn't need to be some deep, intense thing, but it is modeling that you stop, literally, and smell the roses. And you can also do an activity, you know, once, once a week, once a night, whatever is working for your Family. But you can do Rosebud and Thorn, which is talking about something that went well today. So that's a gratitude moment. Then you can talk about something you're looking forward to, a bud. And finally, don't forget to include a Thorn. Because one thing we know is that you can't just say, you know, you should be grateful. Don't, don't complain about something or don't feel bad about this. You have so much. Because those two things aren't mutually exclusive. And we don't want our kids to fake gratitude. What we want is for them to be able to say, you know what, this wasn't great today, but I did have something great that, that was part of my day. And if that was a little bit of ice cream, it doesn't have to be deep, but it could also be something like noticing that someone did something nice for you. So it's really important. And that is my first of the kind of reducing the likelihood of entitlement. The second thing, make sure that your kids are not always centered. Now, do I believe that we should have delight every day when we see our kids? Yes, delight in your child. Let them see your eyes light up when you see them. That doesn't mean that if you're in an adult conversation that you need to stop everything every time your child wants to say something. That doesn't mean that you have to go to every single game or every single thing to show them that you'll drop the the world for them. They want to know that if they really need you, that of course you're going to drop everything, but that when it's between a soccer game and you needing to do something for yourself once in a while, that that's okay, that that's survivable. Because if you are the center of someone's world, it's a lot of pressure. It's a lot of pressure that makes you feel like, well, what will that person do when I try to have an independent life, fly free, do my thing. And it's also makes for a lot of assumptions that you should be the center of the universe. And it's really a bummer when you get out in the world entitled to be the center and you're not. So I will give you an example that is a small example that's personal, and then I'll give you sort of a older kid example. When I was in preschool, probably early, like daycare early, my mom, who by the way, was a kindergarten teacher at the time, she would drop me off and then pick me up. And the teacher, her name was Judy, would tell my mom that every time I did something, I turned to wait for someone to clap for me or react. That what I did was so amazing. And why did I feel entitled to that reaction? Because my mother, in this well meaning, beautiful way, clapped every time I did anything I did. I couldn't make a move without getting that kind of clapping and, you know, yummy, delicious support, which seems innocent. The reality is it took away my capacity to just do something for myself or do something out of curiosity. And also it made me feel entitled to have a reaction from other people every time I did anything, whether it was impressive or not impressive. So it's not going to turn your kid into, like a person walking around the world being like, give me accolades. I deserve everything. But it's like a small way that you can say, okay, of course, sometimes you're going to clap and elevate that experience, that. That accomplishment. But sometimes keep it still. Let your kids understand that they're not just doing things for everybody else to approve of it and to appreciate it. And now for a quick break so I can tell you about my sponsors.
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Okay, Thanksgiving people, this is a big sale day. If you're listening to this right after Thanksgiving, and if you're listening to this later, you know, you know that feeling of the holiday season when you're just spending. You want to give presents and bonuses and support and get yourself nice things and everything just feels like, you know, you're just going to spend. But also, you want to keep your finances under control. So that's where Monarch comes in. It's rated Wall Street Journal's best budgeting app of 2025, by the way. I didn't even know about budgeting apps. I use my bank for that. But this budgeting app is so much more specific and clear, and it includes everything. Every link gets put in one place. So Monarch is truly the all in one personal finance tool that brings your entire financial life together in one clean interface on your laptop or your iPhone. And right now, just for raising good humans listeners, Monarch is offering 50% off your first year. So instead of blowing through so much money or getting past your holiday budget, or not having a holiday budget and realizing afterwards, oh, my God, I need to have a holiday budget. Go to Monarch and start fresh. Don't let financial opportunity slip through the cracks. Use the code humansorch.com in your browser for half off your first year. That's 50% off your first year@monarch.com with the code humans I want to tell you about Laundry Sauce, not just because it's a fantastic brand name, but also because the scent of detergent is really important to me. Like, I am so sensitive to smell. I also like things to be easy. So I like a pre measured pod, frankly. And I love taking laundry out of the dryer. And then my husband's superpower is folding things.
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Like, it's so meticulous.
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If I fold things out of the dryer, he just refolds them. And I'm like, to the point where I want to show everybody a video of this. But anyway, Laundry sauce makes it so cozy. And then you just like have delicious laundry. Now it's not just about smelling really good. It's also engineered for performance. And it's also got fabric softeners, dryer sheets, scent boosters, fabric fresh spray. They have everything you need to make your laundry experience amazing. Except for my husband's folding. And the best part of Laundry Sauce, maybe the best part, other than the actual product, is that they offer a full money back guarantee if you disagree. And this holiday season, you can turn your routine into a ritual with Laundry Sauce. During their Black Friday Cyber Monday signature sale, you'll save up to 40%, get $75 in free gifts and free shopping@laundry sauce.com it's the perfect time to treat yourself or gift the world's most luxurious.
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Detergent to someone you love. Number three, this is a little bit related. While it all is related, I want you to miss a game. Now, if your kid plays on a sports team or they are, you know, doing anything that is kind of in a regular way happening as where you can be an audience member or a fan, go whenever you can, of course, enjoy them, get in there. But also, I want you to miss a game sometimes. I want you to have something else that you're doing and not able to drop it to show up. Not because I want you to be mean parents, but because I want your kids to know that sometimes they're not doing it for the audience and they can survive that moment. They can feel like, yeah, it would have been nice to have my parent there, but they couldn't be there. They had something else they had to do, and I'm okay. These are small little things that really do help our kids learn the difference between the wonderful experience of having that love and support and the expectation that everybody needs to drop everything in order for this person to get love and support. Number four, chores. Chores. If I had to pick the number one thing to really make sure that you don't have kids that are walking through this earth entitled give them chores. First of all, it's also incredibly helpful around the house. And you can start chores as early as 3 years old. Especially with younger kids, they actually think it's fun to have a job. And then with older kids, they're not, and they're going to say they're busy and they're going to say they have too much homework. They have a test and you feel guilty and you're like, okay, I'll do the dishes this time. No, they can time manage so that they can get five minutes done of dishes, or they can make their bed in the morning, or they can contribute to cleaning the windows or washing the table or taking out the trash, no matter how busy they are. And it's really important as your kids get older and they start to have so much work and pressure and stress, and we start to feel like, oh, well, I couldn't possibly. Then ask them to take out the garbage. Yes, yes, you can. Kids who grow up having chores actually grow up happier people. And they definitely have a much lower risk of being entitled people because they know that they're expected to contribute to the community of their household, and then they'll contribute to the larger community. There are even studies showing that preschoolers who simply put their chair into the table after they get up, like before they go, move on to a new activity. They just are doing something thoughtful to contribute to the community that they are a part of, that they do better academically later on. So not just social. Emotionally, it's pretty awesome. And it's also helpful to develop competence and confidence because you're actually contributing in a meaningful way to your household. Your parents and your family and your siblings appreciate it. And it's important for the day to run. So chores are a big deal. And I really want to remind you that we can teach our kids to help out with the dishes really young. We can teach our kids to chop up the vegetables pretty young. They are capable of doing things that are helpful around the house that take a little bit of effort and time, and then they don't feel like somebody is just following them around, cleaning up after them, clearing their dishes. They just leave things everywhere and somehow, miraculously, they come home from school and everything's been cleaned. Chores help kids feel less entitled and more of a contributor, and people who contribute to those around them feel better about themselves. Now, the one thing I've said about chores before, and I'll keep hammering that home, is that chores need to be Obviously helpful, but, like, if they don't do it perfectly, you can help guide them, but don't make it like, oh, I gotta redo this. I'm redoing the bed, I'm redoing the dishes. Because then they have no incentive to believe that they're actually making contributions. And now for a quick break so I can tell you about my sponsors.
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This episode is brought to you in part by Saks Fifth Avenue. When you think of holiday seasons, don't.
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You kind of picture Saks Fifth Avenue? Like, I just think of that, whether.
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It'S like an old movie or just walking down the street in New York City during the holidays, Saks Fifth Avenue says holiday inspiration to me, and Saks.com says holiday inspiration made easy to me. So go have fun at Saks and shop and get presents and also get new outfits. You know, I love to go to Saks for special occasion outfits, and I definitely seem to tell you about special occasions constantly, but I do celebrate a lot.
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Like, for example, we are talking about not just the holiday season, but also.
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My wedding anniversary season, which my husband does not think is, like, necessary to celebrate multiple wedding anniversaries because we have our day that we actually went to.
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City hall in New York and I.
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Wore an airdam dress from Saks, and then we have our actual wedding anniversary. So point is, Saks has so much for presents and for yourself. So if you're looking for an anniversary outfit, does that count? Then go to saks.com now is the time for the Suvi Black Friday sale because it runs now through early December, and you have to check out this, like, Jetson, like, kitchen experience. Okay, so basically, you can feed your family at home without any planning, prepping, or cleanup. Well, there's a little cleanup, but it's very easy. And essentially, sous vide is a smart countertop oven with flexible meal delivery included. So, by the way, you don't have.
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To use the meal delivery. You can just use the smart oven.
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I. I like the ease of the meal delivery, but that's because it's easy, it's ready, it's healthy, and it feels like I cooked.
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Somehow.
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The sous vide kitchen robot has built in refrigeration, so you set it up anytime. You can set it up in the morning and then just like, tap the card to your appliance and set what time you want the food to be ready by. And it keeps the food cold until.
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It'S time to cook.
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I find that so mind blowing.
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So Jetsons.
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So check out Suvi's Black Friday sale. For an extra savings while it lasts, go to suvi.com humans to get $150 off plus C16 free meals when you order during their sale. That's s u v I e.com humans to get $150 off plus 16 free meals. Save time and eat better with Suvie.
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Next number five responding to rudeness so there comes a point in every every parent's life when their adorable child says their first rude comment back, their first eye roll, their first, you know, moment where you think, oh, here we are. And then it gets bigger and bigger. By the time you have teenagers, being rude is sort of part of the game. Now, that is developmentally appropriate. I am not denying that it's not going to happen and it's developmentally appropriate. And I am encouraging you not to take it personally because it will drive you totally bonkers if you take it personally and you don't have the time or energy for that and nor does your relationship, but if you can just take a breath and respond to it, you're going to help them not move through the world thinking that that's okay. So let me be clear. It is appropriate for their developmental stage to eye roll, to backtalk and to be rude and to say things without saying please and thank you. But just because it's developmentally appropriate and I don't want you to take it personally doesn't mean that you can't have the expectation that if they do it, there's going to be a response from you that lets them know it wasn't acceptable. So in the case of a rude comment, the first thing to do is obviously take a breath so that you don't, you know, lash out. But then say, hey, I want to help you out. I want you to say that again. Please do so in a different way. Because the way you just did it, you know, I can't respond to or for younger kids, you could say, should.
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We have a do over?
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Let's do a do over. And you say that in a different voice. You can even give a suggestion with younger kids that they do it and pretend that they're doing it as a puppy. Then they can pretend to do it as a lion, and then they can pretend to do it as a very sweet superhero. So you're practicing different ways of using that voice. But they can't ask for what they want or demand what they want without using a respectful tone. Otherwise it would not make sense for you to keep responding to it. You know, get me this and Then you go get it. You're going to have a kid who's kind of entitled and rude to people because it works. So let's say they say, get me my bag. Then rather than, you know, of course, again, not taking it personally, but rather than saying, all right, they're just being a teenager and it's totally obnoxious, but I'm not going to take it personally, so I'll just go get the bag, just take a moment and say, I want to help you. Please say that in a different way. They know they don't feel good being rude, but if it's fast and it gets the response that they're looking for, why in the world would they stop? And more importantly, what if they go out into school and into another friend's house and they just do that? This brings me to number six, make sure that you have expectations of your kids with how they treat people when they're getting a ride. So let's say you are driving a few kids to an activity after school. We all know the difference between the kids who you brought them a snack, let's say, and they leave the trash in the back seat and they kind of run out of the car and they don't say thank you, it starts to bother you, right? So you don't want your kid to do that. So you can just say, I expect that when there is some food in the back seat and a person giving you a ride that you would take the time to take it out, bring it to the trash, and say, thank you so much for the ride. This seems very small, but these are the things that I expect of you because it shows people appreciation. And we know that when we appreciate people, we are more likely to feel good about the experience and they are more likely to feel good about that interaction. So that means you have to do that in our car so that you can practice this. And then how wonderful when you hear from other people that they, you know, were thoughtful to the other parents. I definitely clock that. And I noticed that some kids just automatically think to themselves, how can I be helpful and gracious? And other kids just expect that, oh, it's a parent. And parents will clean up after me and do whatever I want, whether they're.
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Mine or someone else's.
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So these minor things make a big difference. Number seven, make gift giving fun. Okay, so what I want you to start thinking about this holiday season, when you're trying to distinguish between sort of privilege and entitlement, is your kids can have the privilege of knowing that they're going to get fabulous holiday gifts and it's really exciting to get presents. But what I want you to try to do is help them get excited about the process of thinking about a really special present for their sibling and for other members of the family. So instead of doing that thing where we just have a long holiday list, we take care of it, we check the boxes. I want you to enlist your kids. I want them to have the beautiful feeling that we get when we do something nice for someone else. So ask them. Make it a habit, like they're choosing to use some of their allowance to buy a gift for their sibling. Make it so that they feel excited to give it to them. They were thoughtful, they thought of something interesting. Introduce them to Etsy or other places where you might find really fun, affordable things that they can do and have them contribute to it. They will be so excited. Have them wrap. Don't just like, wrap all the presents and sign their names to it. Enlist them in the process because then it's so much more fun for them to see the joy that they've brought someone else. It also forces them to think about what another person would want and they get excited about it. If you just say, oh, it's Susie's birthday. Here's the present you're supposed to give her and you wrote the card or I got the present, I wrapped it. Just bring it in. It really takes away from the joy of giving a gift. So not only do they get more joy in giving gifts, but they also start to experience the world. Not feeling entitled to receive gifts, but actually seeing, oh, wow. It feels really good to think about what somebody might want and participate and not only getting it, but wrapping it in a beautiful way or putting it in a pretty container or basket or bag with tissues. Whatever it is, let them contribute because they will feel like doing more and more of that. And that is another protector from having entitled kids. And now for a quick break so I can tell you about my sponsors.
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I'm not even sure if sharing with you how awesome skims is is necessary.
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Because I feel like everybody who has.
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Put skims on love skims, but they have specifically something I'm obsessed with right now, with the Fits Everybody collection. These are the most amazing underwear and bras I've discovered because it's like literally skin. You cannot see them through clothing. It's like nothing I've tried before.
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It's just so good. Okay.
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That means it's also great for teenagers who love skims, of course. So present season, obviously, but I've been wearing skims since skims came out, frankly. But I did just try the Fits Everybody collection. And also I like their bras. Why the fits Everybody doesn't have underwire. Which means that when I'm working from home and I'm trying to be comfortable, but I also come on, I need something. These are perfect. So try the Fits Everybody collection for intimates and for presents and for just like looking smooth everywhere. Shop Skims Fits everybody collection@skims.com after you place your order, be sure to let them know that we sent you by selecting podcast in the survey and select our show. There's like a dropdown menu I know.
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That takes so long, but not that long.
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And if you're looking for the perfect gifts for everyone on your list, the Skims holiday shop is now open@skims.com go click quickly because everything sells out so fast. So as a Kendra Scott partner, I'm sharing with you how I make this holiday season special. I love little jewelry gifts. They're so fun. They feel special. And Kendra Scott is your destination for these holiday gifts with presents for everyone on your list. What I like is that Kendra Scott holiday collection has really beautiful pieces, but they have fashion versions, demi fine and fine jewelry. That means like the price points are quite a wide range which mean that you can do fashion jewelry for youngsters who maybe are not even ready for demi fine. You can do demi fine for everybody and fine for just like when you really want to get yourself something special or someone else and they're ready to shop already designed ones. Or you can also design your very own custom jewelry piece through their color bar.
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They have this both in store and.
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Online that's really fun for teens. So visit Kendra Scott.com gifts and use the code RGH20 at checkout for 20% off one full price jewelry item exclusions apply. It expires December 31, 2025. So it's really set up for the holiday season. That's K-E N-R-A S C O T T.com gifts with the code RGH20 and you can see what I got for myself. My little tiny hoops with a little pink heart. I want to tell you a little bit about tia. TIA is super cool. It has clinics. It's basically a service that includes primary care, gynecological and sexual health, hormone and menopause support, aesthetic skin care, fertility and postpartum support. Basically all things that women need and want. TIA offers care that is comprehensive. It's whole body and evidence based TIA has clinics in Los Angeles, San Francisco, New York City, Scottsdale, and it's also available virtually across all of Arizona, California, New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts and Connecticut. So you can book an appointment to see a provider virtually or in person. And you can get an appointment within days and not months. And so especially these days, it is so hard to find care providers quickly. And in this case, TIA does not have a membership fee. They take most PPO insurance plans, so you can use that to pay for your care and your services. And it's providers that are trained specifically in women's health. So book an appointment today at bit l y/ask tia-humans. That's bit dot l y slash a.
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S k t I a dash humans. Number eight. Now, this is something that I got from Adam Grant, who used to ask his kids, what was something kind that you did today? And then he started to add another question, which is, what did someone else do that was kind for you today? And it really helped the kids notice. Hey, it really feels like something special when somebody was just thoughtful to them, to you. And so it makes you more inclined to notice and appreciate other people. And it also feels like, oh, I want to do that for someone else. I want someone else to experience the feeling of me doing something kind. So just try that at the dinner table or maybe once a week you talk about it, but make it a habit of noticing and appreciating when somebody does something kind for you and you will be more likely to do the same thing for others. Number nine. So this is something that, you know, I struggled with because I thought it was a formality. And I, you know, I like kind of old school formalities like using Mr. And Mrs. But writing thank you notes is a habit to build starting as young as toddlerhood. Now, obviously you're going to have to help because writing thank you notes and truly taking the time not only to be thoughtful about gift giving and what it means and how it feels to do nice things for other people, but also recognizing how to appreciate in a meaningful way. Something that was done for you is incredibly helpful to remove. You know, like, again, there's a privilege in getting and receiving, but there is an entitlement in not thanking and not truly appreciating. So have your kids from as young as three, even if they just draw like a couple of lines and then you write the words that they dictate for you, that's like the next step. And then over time, they're the ones who are writing them. It takes time. It's an activity and by the time you get, you know, teenagers and they might again be too busy for that. But really taking the time to appreciate and share how it's being appreciated to someone else and name specifically why that felt so good to receive that gift is incredibly important. And along those lines, not just, not just appreciating people who are giving you gifts, but writing notes to the person who is gifted, the UPS guy who's delivering all of the boxes that are coming to the house so that you can then have the gifts to then wrap the gifts to then give them away. They deserve a thank you note. Those appreciative moments for people who are total strangers who are doing nice things for you every single day is going to be an incredibly important way for you to distinguish privilege and entitlement. You really need to do it yourself in order for kids to let it sink in. So draw a picture and put it on the door that has like a thank you for the UPS guy, leave a little note in the mailbox for the mailman and don't just count on oh well, my parents might leave a little present for these people in our lives who I don't really know, but they do make my world go more smoothly. Enlist your kids in that it didn't just appear, the package didn't just appear. The there is someone that took their time and made your day better. So let's appreciate them and you can do the same thing from teacher to mailman to the grocer to anybody that you know has made your kids lives just a little bit better. And they had no idea. Writing letters, drawing pictures, making it a part of their way of showing appreciation really helps them over time hunt for the good and see that these things don't just happen. Appreciation goes such a long way and it grows over time. Now again, they don't need to be grateful for it. They don't need to feel that way. You're showing them how to let people know. And over the years, even if it's annoying now, it's going to be part of them. It's, they're going to know like, oh, it feels good to share appreciation. It feels good to let people know what they meant to me and what they contributed in my life. That way again, they're not walking through the world with the expectation that things just happen for them and they don't have to do anything about it. And finally, number 10, really cultivate empathy and perspective taking because you can't really be entitled acting if you have capacity to understand the experience of others. And you can do this whether you're reading a book and wondering about how the other character feels, or whether you're on the playground and you're watching different people interact and you ask, oh, what do you think this child was feeling? Why do you think they did that? And then ask about another child, ask about another parent or with siblings in general. You really want to play around with perspective taking and empathy. Because a kid who can empathize is a kid who's not going to walk through the world entitled because they recognize the sheer privilege of not being in the shoes of someone who's having a worse experience. So that's something to really cultivate and it's something that you can consider all the time. What doesn't make kids not feel entitled is forcing, you know, a feeling. So you can't force a kid to feel grateful and you can't force a kid to feel empathy and you can't force a kid to feel anything. You can teach them the skills and you can make sure that they have the behaviors that kind of get baked into the system and build that and you can model it in your own behavior. I hope everybody has a wonderful holiday. I know that we are trying to build these incredibly grateful kids who experience the world with the privileges of having parents who are thoughtful and have capacity to be there for them. And also we don't want them to be entitled. So now's the time to share space with other people and allow them to not be the center of the universe and entitled to everything they want when they want it. I forgot one thing. Okay, I couldn't stick with 10. I need to do one more. Delay gratification. Make sure that every day in the smallest ways, it doesn't have to be big stuff. You help your kids experience delayed gratification. So they want something and they want it right now. You can just let them know you understand that they want it right now. That it's really hard not to get something you want right away, but that here's when they're going to get it and it's not going to be right now. And you practice this until they stop expecting it to be right away. Because we also live in a time when you can just want something. There it is. You don't have to wait for really long periods of time to get something. Amazon can get it right away. And I'm not just talking about presents. I'm talking about when dinner is going to be served. I'm talking about when they need your answer to a question, but you have something else that you're busy doing so you can't get to them right away. They need to know that everything doesn't happen exactly when they want it to happen on their timeline, because they are not the center. They are one of the most, you know, centered people in your life because they're your child. But maybe they have siblings. Maybe they have a grandparent at the house. Maybe you have a partner. Maybe you're thinking about yourself. We are working in family systems not alone. Delayed gratification helps us do that so that we can move through the world not expecting everything to happen when we want it on our terms.
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Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in in products or services referred to in this episode.