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The following podcast is a Dear Media Production welcome to Raising good humans. I'm Dr. Eliza Pressman and today's episode is just us together. I'm talking about 10 ways to encourage adaptability and flexibility. And by adaptability I'm talking about the idea that we can change to fit our environment. Adaptability is such an important skill. Having adaptable kids is such a relief. There are of course going to be some kids who are more adaptable than others because of their nature. We've talked so much about orchids and dandelions. A dandelion is going to adapt to any environment and grow with whatever sunlight, water and soil it's given. An orchid is not going to be as adaptable or thrive in other environments. However, you can grow the skill of adaptability and flexibility. No matter what kind of child you have, it will just be more of an effort for some than others. If you enjoy episodes like these solo episodes, don't hesitate to write a little review on Apple Podcasts. It's always super helpful and go ahead and give it a five star rating. You can also DM me on Instagram aisinggoodhumanspodcast. I have lots of this stuff in my book, the five Principles of Parenting. Your Essential guide to Raising Good Humans. Okay, so let's get adaptable and a little bit more flexible. And this holds true for adults and kids. But kids are so much better at learning and growing than we are, so starting young is always ideal. That said, our capacity to be adaptable is going to have a huge impact on whether or not our kids can be adaptable. So paying attention to how you're modeling adaptability is my number one tip. You want to share times that you've had to adjust your plans, how you've handled it, and you also want to in real time because this is going to happen. There are so many opportunities every day to be adaptable in the small ways, in the larger ways. Model adaptability and catch yourself if you seem rigid, if you're appearing rigid, which is different than having routines, it's more like do you go into a full on stress response when things change? We can't do that and then expect that we can grow these skills in our kids. So our adaptability is contagious. Number two, introduce new experiences. So it is really important for kids to have routines for sure and to kind of know what to expect. The younger the kid, the more important that is. That said, that shouldn't mean that we don't regularly expose our kids to new sensations, new activities, new environments, new Cultures. Part of the reason why travel in different places is so wonderful is that it helps us grow our flexibility and learn that the world is quite a bit bigger than the rigid way that we might think of it. So introducing new experiences. Maybe choose a new kind of food to try every week. Maybe it's a new seat at the table. So a lot of us have kind of our seats that we always sit in at our dinner tables. Well, maybe Wednesday you get flexible and everybody picks a new seat. It sounds so small, but these are ways that can exercise the muscle of adaptability. Now keep in mind, for the kids for whom this is easy, you don't have to do it as much because it's clearly going well for them. But for the kids who might really tantrum because they've switched seats in the car, you want to help them grow this skill. So it also means you're gonna have to do it in smaller ways because the small changes are harder for them. So you don't go from a kid who is showing these traits of low adaptability to throwing them into having high adaptability. You wanna change things a little bit slower and a little bit smooth, smaller as they develop the skills. And then when they do something new, they've been exposed to something new and they had a change and they survived. That's something to point out, not in a way that's patronizing, like look at you, you did something new and you survived. But more like, hey, I know that was really hard for you. I know that wasn't your first choice, but you did it and I was really grateful. Or I thought you did it really well. I know that was uncomfortable. Thank you.
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And now for a quick break so.
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I can tell you about my sponsors. I want to tell you a little.
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Bit about good ranchers. Did you know that over 85% of grass fed beef is imported? Good ranchers solves this problem because it's a hundred percent American sourced. It's got no hidden additives, never any antibiotics, no hormones, no seed oils. Just one simple ingredient that you can read and that is the meat. It's delivered straight to your door. I literally get a big box of meats delivered to my door, going right to the freezer and then cooking it. It's so easy. There's free ground beef, free chicken breasts, or wild caught salmon in every order for a year plus $25 off with the code humans. So you've gotta go to goodranchers.com. it's such a good deal. It's such good meat and it's American Made. So that feels really good with none of this stuff in it. You can use your discount code kind of have a plan like I know that we do wild caught salmon for example once a week always and it helps plan meal time. It helps give you confidence that you know what's coming. There's no last minute grocery store runs or no long lines. There's no wondering about the course quality. So I highly recommend Good Ranchers. Right now Good Ranchers is running their New Year New Meat promo so you and your family can easily get the quality you deserve. Subscribe to any of their boxes and get free ground beef, chicken breast or salmon wild Caught and every order for a year plus 25 off when you use my code humans at checkout goodranchers.com American Meat the delivered so I don't know about you but I definitely need to treat February as my what other people I think do with January and just declutter my house and get organized. There is just nothing like a little home tlc. Whether you're tidying up or clearing out or you just want new looks to start the new year. Wayfair has everything you need all within a budget to make really organized containers and just like great trays and great ways to place things in the very organized way that I want it to be until I probably will mess it up again. So my desk right now looks so beautiful and so organized and then underneath my desk I have fantastic containers on my bookshelf. I just made it all color coordinated. I'm so into it. I use the clear storage bins because I like to see what I'm organizing, but they have so many different styles and there's free and easy delivery even on the big stuff and they help set things up. It's basically a one shop stopping for everything. Whether you need big ticket items or small items, give your home the refresh.
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It needs with wayfair.
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Encourage problem solving if you want adaptable kids, if you want kids who can be flexible, problem solving skills are key. And we need problem solving skills. Most people, when you talk to adults, the people we're most attracted to have incredible problem solving skills. So that means when these plans change, when you introduce something new or when a surprise comes your way, talk through how you're going to adapt. Not like talking through, okay, I don't like this, but I really have no choice. And so I'm going to take a deep breath, I'm going to put my hands under cold water so that I feel safe and better, whatever it is. I mean, yes, you can do that sports casting of your emotional state as well. But what I mean is discuss solutions together. Like, okay, we're presented with a problem and we're going to discuss a solution. What do you guys think about Fill in the blank? And here is where we tend to do a lot of work inside our heads to problem solve. I mean, parents and caregivers are spending so much of their day problem solving. So I want you to problem solve out loud again, almost like a sportscaster. But also ask questions of your young people so that they can give ideas. And if they're terrible ideas, you don't have to do them, but give them an option so that they have the opportunity to think through how to pivot. And they will become better problem solvers, which will make them more adaptable, flexible people. Number four, I have this all over my book. I do this all the time. We'll do a little exercise just for this. Number four, which is practice mindfulness. Why does mindfulness encourage adaptability and flexibility? Because you cannot be adaptable if you're in a state of fight, flight or freeze, if you're totally anxious about the future because there's a change and you don't know what to expect. So being able to ground yourself in the present moment with an open heart and attention is going to help serve everyone. So when you are mindful so that you can adjust to changes, you are basically pausing and telling your body, telling your nervous system, even though something is uncomfortable, it's not a threat. And as we talk about constantly, the skill of being able to distinguish between real and imagined threat, that self regulation skill is priceless. So mindfulness helps you get there. And in that moment, you can practice when there's a challenge that arises. But most importantly, not in the moment. Every day, in small ways, pick a mindfulness moment. And right now we'll do one. Just as an example, you can take a deep breath in through the nose and out through the mouth, and you can look around the room and notice one thing that you see, one thing that you can touch, one thing that you can smell, and one thing that you can taste. That's quick. It puts you in the moment and then your brain is open to change because it can receive information in a way that is not on guard. Mindfulness practice is a key feature of adaptability. Number five, promote curiosity. We've talked a lot about how curiosity is a key feature of a good learner. Curiosity is such an important way for us to understand each other, and it's also a great way to never get bored. So we want to explore new ideas and try different approaches. And one of the best sentences you can say to encourage curiosity is, I wonder what would happen if, or I wonder if we did X instead of Y. And so first, if you've got kids who are a little averse to change, if they really struggle with this, wondering about it and having them tell you kind of what they think the outcome would be if something changed helps them talk about it without actually experiencing it first, and it's a little easier, so it's a baby step. And then once you've done that, you can think about doing that in the real world, you know, and that way you can say, I wonder if we took a different road, if it would take longer or if it would take less time. I wonder if we moved seats at the table, if dinner would feel different. It could be so tiny. But it also is, I wonder if this challenge is going to end up being really exciting in the end or if we're going to find out, oh, there's a reason we do it the way we do it. We didn't like this challenge. So I wonder is a really beautiful way to promote curiosity. Also, in general, when you want to be curious, get curious. Asking questions of the other person, trying to dig into what their experience is will foster a little bit of interest in sharing and thinking, and it helps you alleviate kind of the pressure of those conversations because you're really curious, you're digging in, and you're not. You don't have an agenda. Like, I'm trying to make you more adaptable and flexible and teach you all these things, but you're actually just being curious. And when you model curiosity about what another person's experience is, what you're doing is helping them feel like, oh, my interior thoughts and feelings are of interest to this other person. How cool. Maybe being curious with other people or other things would also be really cool.
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And now for a quick break so I can tell you about my sponsors. This is a great product, Lumi, for yourself. Or if you are raising developing teenagers and they're starting to need some odor control and some hygiene lessons, this is really good for them. And also, not only do you feel a little bit more confident when you smell good, and so during that sort of transition to becoming an adult from a kid, you want to have a good product that's safe and not made with all of the junk that's in a lot of deodorants. So that's why I love Lume because all the products are paraben free baking soda free. They're PH balanced, it's really good. And they have a solid deodorant stick. They have sweat control deodorant and they have a spray deodorant but it's aluminum free and it's just for those hard to reach places. Lume has a great starter pack that.
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Comes with all of it.
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The stick deodorant, the cream tube deodorant, and two free products of your choice like the mini body wash and deodorant wipes, which I highly recommend for teenagers.
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Who have to go to PE and.
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Don'T get to shower after or play sports and you know, all the things. As a special offer for listeners, new customers get 15% off all Lume products with the exclusive code. And if you combine the 15% off with the already discounted starter pack, that's actually 40% off the starter pack. So just go and use the code humans for 15% off your first purchase@lumide.com that's code humans. At L U M E D E O D O R a n t.com you can support our show and tell.
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Them we sent you.
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All the things.
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That's Y N A B number six. Discuss the importance of change. Really talk about not just that change is happening, but the importance of change. That that is growth. That change is always going to occur because we always want to grow. And that can be really scary and it can be really uncomfortable because we like to predict everything. This is what humans want to do. We want to predict the future. It makes us feel safe. But change is really important and it can lead to so many new opportunities. So anytime we can notice change and notice the opportunities that it presents, let's point it out to our kids. And also, if we talk about the importance of change, instead of clinging to I knew you were just like this even when you were a baby. We talk more about because that's kind of a tendency that we have in. It's not that that's a problem, but we don't want to get locked into. I have to be this person. This is exactly who I am. It's who people think I am. This is what I do. I'll give you a very simple example. When I was a kid, I danced and I loved it so much and I trained so much. And it was my whole identity for a really long period of time. And then there came a point where I didn't want to do it anymore, but I didn't dare want to change because it was how I was known, it was what I thought got me respect and interest from other people. And I thought if I stop doing this, my identity is gone. And so change was too terrifying. And it took me a much longer time to stop doing it than I probably should have because I was worried about my parents and those around me thinking that I wasn't fulfilling kind of the path that I said that I was set on. And that is a bigger example and it's an identity issue. But if we don't let our kids know how important change is to growth and how growth is an inevitable part of the human condition. It's what we're going for. Then we can end up quite rigid and stuck. Number seven, play games that require rules to change and adjust. That is so infuriating. And it can be really hard because everybody says, like, you changed the rules on me, that's no good. So obviously you're not gonna spring that on people. But play games that require that flexibility. So in another episode when I was talking about collaboration skills, I talked about the game Celebrity and what a fun game that is to play with your family. Okay, so the rules of Celebrity are you put, you know, names in a bowl and then everybody on teams pulls out a name and one person is charged with giving everybody clues so they can guess who that celebrity is. But now change that game a little bit. Now you want to do a different version where you can only use two words. So now the rules have changed. Same idea, but we've got different rules. Or you can only do one word or you have to do it with just your body language. There are so many different ways where you can take games and grow this skill of adaptability and flexibility. So I highly encourage it. But also think about games like freeze games or Simon says. Those games, you can just modify the rules a little bit each time and see what happens and obviously acknowledge when you're changing the rules. It's a little bit like an advanced version of those games themselves that require attention and cognitive flexibility because you basically have to shift. So a simple game of musical chairs, you have to have your body moving in one way and then music stops and your body is still in this automatic motion. So if you're not paying attention and you're not flexible about the fact that now you're supposed to stop your body even though it's moving, you're not going to be able to win that game. Same with Simon says. Think about it. It's the same skill. It really is the basic stuff that you can do, but you're really growing these muscles. Number eight, encourage open mindedness. So I talk a lot about perspective taking. This is a time when we need it the most. When you're thinking about adaptability and flexibility, it's not just an open mindedness about other people's viewpoints or approaches to things. It's about an open mindedness to considering trying something in a different way. So let's say you have a kid who always shoots a basketball in the same way. What if you said to them, can you try? You've gotten so good at that. Can you try shooting that hoop using a different hand? What would happen now? Obviously it's not going to be as good if they're right handed and now you're asking them to use their left hand. But what it does is it has them consider different approaches and some of them are gonna be giant fails. And that's really important because we need to be able to survive those too. But it's just different approaches that we do in front of our kids that we encourage with our kids, especially when it comes to things that they've tried many times that aren't working. So sometimes we get into habits where we're studying really hard for a math test. We have a math test every few weeks and then we keep getting a grade that we feel doesn't reflect the work that we've put into it. So a lot of times kids get stuck in this rigid way of like, this is how I study, this is where I study, and that's how it's gotta be. So what if you say to them, let's try a different approach because this approach doesn't seem to be working and we need to change things a little bit. Now, it could be that you just change the room that you study in. It could be that you noticed, oh, I used to play music and that that must be distracting. But it could also be that you need a study partner or you're staring at the material when you need to be experiencing the material, whatever it is. In order to encourage an open mindedness and new approaches to old problems, you need to find again, small ways to do that yourself, to model for your kids and to suggest gently for them to do it. And finally, as you're trying to encourage open mindedness, ask everyone in your household, what's one thing that I just don't think I like? Everybody can go around and choose something and the challenge is this year, this month, this week, whatever it is, what is the thing you don't like that you're going to try to find something good in? So you're going to find a good quality in something you don't like? Well, let's say it's just a kind of food that you always reject. Maybe they'll come up with the approach of, okay, I still don't like this food, but I'm really enjoying the texture that's a cool color. Whatever it is, you are in small ways finding new approaches to different viewpoints, to different problems, to different ways of seeing things. And that encourages a flexibility and discourages a rigidity. Because let's say you've rejected this food your entire life. You might still reject it, but now you're able to say, but I do see something good in it.
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And now for a quick break so I can tell you about my sponsors. I want to tell you about my sponsor, Gab, because everybody's pretty stressed out about smartphones. And yet when your kids are emerging teenagers, they want a Phone. They just are constantly asking about it.
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So I really love that Gab is.
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The leader in safe phones and watches for kids, teens, and tweens.
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There are no social media apps.
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There's no Internet browser. There is GPS tracking. So basically, Gab devices were specifically built to keep kids and teens safely connected. I totally get that. What? Once your kids are kind of walking around by themselves, you want access to them, but you also don't want them looking at their phones while they're walking.
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You don't want them getting on social media.
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You don't want them on the worldwide web. This is a fantastic solution.
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And kids can also get unlimited talk.
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And text with Gab Messenger.
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So it's the first messaging and video.
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Calling app designed with kids safety as their top priority. I just love that they have genuinely try to sort of solve for all of the stress that parents feel when that first question of like, can I get a phone?
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Emerges.
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I have so many clients that struggle with this because their kids hound them.
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They really, really want a phone. They want to have social lives. They want to be able to reach.
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Out to their friends, but they're not ready to have the whole smartphone thing. It's just not appropriate.
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So what is the solution?
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I always recommend Gab. So right now Gab is offering $25 off any device with no contract required. You just go to gab.comhumans to get started. That's g-a b b.com humans gab.com humans terms and conditions apply. Okay, I want to tell you about this sponsor, Daily look, because I really need a uniform, but a uniform is kind of boring. And so what I really realized was that having someone else have a sense of what my style is and then make suggestions by sending me a box and then letting me send them back.
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If I don't like them was kind.
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Of a dream situation. I'm busy, but I want to look good. I don't like to go shopping, but I want new clothes. So anyway, Daily look has really found a little niche there because it's the number one highest rated premium per personal styling service for women. So you get your own dedicated personal stylist to curate a box of clothes based on your body shape, your preferences, your lifestyle. It's not an algorithm. You actually fill out some forms that are super, super easy, and they get it right every time. And you can try up to 12 premium pieces per box in the comfort.
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Of your own home.
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Saves you time, saves you effort. Send back what you don't like. Daily look has you covered. I'M so into it. And their mission is just to elevate your style and make it easy for you to look chic.
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Once again, that's DailyLook.com for 50% off. And make sure you use the Code Humans so that they know I sent.
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You DailyLook.com promo code HUMANS NUMBER NINE. Support your kids decisions. Support their decisions, even if you disagree with them, because you want to help them learn how to make choices so that they can see how they go and then pivot as needed. If they don't make choices that require maybe a different or unexpected outcome and then have to be adaptable to that outcome. They were certain that this was what they were supposed to wear to the party. You absolutely thought it was ridiculous. And so you, you protected them from that experience. How will they learn how to both show up uncomfortably and also adapt later to say, you know what, I think I need a little bit of help with what I was going to wear there or what I was going to do or I need to change my approach? Support their decisions on extracurricular activities that they want to try. Support their decisions on as they're getting older. If you're asking them about schedule, like a lot of people will say something along the lines of, this is how my child's afternoon is gonna go. They get this number of minutes on, you know, to watch TV or when they're teenagers, to be on their phones. Then they get this, this block of time to do their homework. Then they get this block of time to have dinner or whatever. What if you said, here are all the things that have to get done in the day and here are the things that you wanna do and the things that you have to do. And that is something that you can go over together. How do you propose getting those things done? What does a schedule look like to you? So that way they are making decisions about how to get things done instead of you telling them, how does that help? Well, think about it. If you are in charge of kind of figuring out, you know, with a framework, because of course, we're the parents and they need to have some guidance. But within that framework, if they're in charge of figuring out how to get things done, when to do their enjoyable stuff, when to do their have to stuff, they'll also have some unexpected outcomes and have to solve for those problems, and that builds adaptability. If you do everything for your kids, if you make all those decisions for them, if you tell them this is a good decision, this is a bad decision for the stuff that isn't dangerous, you're taking away the opportunity for them to get better at making good decisions and being flexible when they've made the wrong decisions. And number 10 is reflect on challenges. If we want kids to be adaptable and flexible, they need to be able to notice when maybe they did take the wrong approach, make the wrong decision, misunderstand something. And they also might say, I hated doing that. That was not something I like to do, but I have to. So you can encourage conversations about how to approach similar situations in a different kind of way, and also how to approach similar situations with the understanding that they just don't feel comfortable and they don't like it, but it's safe, it's not an unsafe thing. So what can they do to prepare themselves emotionally to know, hey, I don't like this, but part of being a member of this community, this society, this smaller group, is that I have to be a little bit more adaptable and flexible and know that I'm not always gonna like it. And that doesn't mean that I can't do it. Those conversations are really not effective when your kids are upset. They're not effective in the moment of failure or setback. They're not effective in the moment when they might be tantruming because of a change.
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They.
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They're effective later when everybody's calm and you can just be reflective about a previous experience, a previous challenge, a previous situation where the approach maybe needs to change. So everybody's calm in that moment, and that's when their brains are available to have the conversations to reflect on challenges and get that flexibility and adaptability growing strong. Thank you for listening. I hope you have a wonderful, flexible and adaptable week.
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Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.