← Raising Good Humans
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The following podcast is a Dear Media Production.
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Welcome to Raising good humans. I'm Dr. Eliza Pressman and today it's just us. And I'm talking about 10 ways to respond to backtalk without undermining your relationship. Okay, so imagine your 9 year old rolls their eyes and says whatever, mom or bruh or something that really bothers you because you've simply asked them to clear their plate. Or your teenager gets a curfew and they tell you that you are totally ridiculous and disconnected from the planet and nothing that you're doing is right and you're a bad mother, for example. So today we're talking about backtalk and, and I understand because I get this a lot. It's frustrating when you feel like you want to have a connection with your child. You want to do all the things that make sure that you're attuned and appropriate and you want to set limits and boundaries, but then you lose it because you feel disrespected because of backtalk. So you want to do something, but losing it and, and kind of meeting your young person in where they are with backtalk or taking it really seriously can actually undermine your relationship. It doesn't teach them to be more respectful and it kind of makes you feel bad. So I want to give you 10 other ways that you could respond. And when I say backtalk, I'm talking about like sassiness or being fresh, disrespectful, argumentative. Eye rolling. Some people really don't get bothered by eye rolling for some reason. Eye rolling is a pain point for me. Arguing with requests, constantly pushing back, using a lot of sarcasm, being condescending, refusing, just sort of like the make me attitude or blame shifting. Those are typically the back talking pain points that I hear about. So first I want to put it in developmental context so that you can not necessarily feel like excited about it, but at least know what to expect. So for toddlers, they have limited language, so keep that in mind. And so a lot of times they have physical expressions of their frustration. So their back talk is pretty limited to just a lot of no. And no is very developmentally appropriate. No is saying, first of all, it's one of the only words I know I'm speaking as a toddler right now. And also it's saying, well, I want to know what happens when I push back. So I'm going to give it a try. And then if you keep shifting your limits based on what I say to you, I'm going to know that those are not super important. There's also a building of emotional vocabulary and coping skills. And so, you know, whatever little pushback you're getting is both developmentally appropriate and also truly an opportunity to say what you actually think your toddler is trying to say to you. So, for example, if they say, you know, no, Daddy, do it, because you're trying to change a diaper or do anything for them, and they just are saying like, no, Daddy, do it, what you could say back is, you really wish Daddy could do this right now, or you really wish Daddy was helping you. Mommy's gonna help you right now, and I love you, and this is what's happening. And the end. I mean, don't say the end. I'm just telling you that, okay? So it's appropriate for them to begin to assert independence, and it's appropriate for you to feel frustrated, but to try to recognize it with a little bit of a smile, because it means they're developing the way they should be. And then early elementary school. So, like, ages 5 to 8, think about how much more sophisticated their language is. But they don't actually have the skills to follow all the social rules or to know all the social rules. And so they might repeat phrases that they start to hear in television shows or from friends, and they're testing, and they don't necessarily know if they've gone too far or if those phrases are really not okay until they try them out and you could just tell them. So rather than assuming that they know that they've just done something incredibly offensive, they might have just witnessed an eye roll, practiced an eye roll, and now it's time to say, hey, I. I think what you're trying to say with that eye roll is you don't love what I'm saying to you. I don't. Low eye rolls. And you don't need to say it in a way that's a fight. It's just sort of like letting them know. Let's figure out other ways that you can get across that you're irritated. And then once you're in middle childhood, you have a better ability to argue. Like, you can have the cognitive capacity to understand that you don't like what's happening and how to kind of make that change. And so you start to question authority, which is really appropriate. And as your critical thinking develops and your peers are influencing you and wanting your peers to approve of you starts to become more interesting than having your parents approve of you, backtalk may happen. And it's also there to save face if you feel embarrassed or ashamed Sometimes it's really just to try to act like you don't care. So again, if you know this, if you, it won't set you off as much, hopefully.
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Accepted adolescence Adolescence is the really the perfect storm for backtalk. Because testing the waters, trying to pull and push away, back again because teens need to individuate and go off and be on their own. And then they need to come back to you to remind themselves that you're still there and their pushback is part of their identity formation. That is painful because if part of their identity formation is rejecting you, it's going to hurt your feelings. But I really, I want to encourage you to acknowledge that it might hurt your feelings and that that is separate from what is useful or effective in the moment. Their peer relationships are probably going to feel more relevant to them, but what you you know, how you respond to them and your connection with them is still the most important thing. So backtalk isn't worth the fight. There are other ways to again suggest that it's not the communication style you're going for. Some pushback is normal from toddlerhood to adolescence. If there is absolutely no respectful communication going on and the pushback feels like it's more than there is typical interactions, then that is something to speak with someone else about. Either your co parent or a trusted friend or a parent, coach or your pediatrician. So here are 10 strategies. The first strategy, and you really can't get away with not having this be the first strategy for everything is to just breathe and pause. We know that many, many years of research on emotion regulation show that if you can take a short pause, just think, count to six, that you're going to turn off the part of your brain that says there's an emergency. I need to fight, fight, flight or freeze. But in this case it's fight. So if you get the back talk, promise yourself that before you say anything, you're gonna wait those six seconds by taking a deep breath in through the nose and out through the mouth. And if you do three of those, you won't respond in the way that you regret. I promise you. Because if you actually just tell yourself when there's back talk, I'm gonna just literally count to six, take my Deep breath. And I'm gonna model the emotion regulation that I'm hoping to see. You're changing the game. And also you won't really care as much because you will have shut down that system that says there's an emergency. So you can say something along the lines of, do you want to try that again? I can see you're really upset. I need you to say it in a different way or I'm going to take a little time to think about this just to get yourself by yourself the six seconds and then we can talk about it. This is also because you now co regulate with your kids. You're basically saying with your nervous system, I don't need to meet you in a heightened state of threat and then you don't have to then meet me there so that we make this a bigger thing than it is so they can come back down and maybe it even diffuses the situation completely and it's over. Here's another strategy. Acknowledge the feeling behind the words. So you want to understand that the behavior is communication and not that the behavior itself is actually meaningful at face value. They're trying to tell you something. What are they trying to tell you? It's something about an unmet need. Is it something about a powerlessness, a feeling of lack of autonomy, like what's going on for them? And so if you can acknowledge what you think they might be feeling underneath those words with that behavior, you're going to get a lot further because you're showing you're leading with empathy. So you might say something like, you know, they're giving you back talk because they want to go to a party and they're saying you're totally out of touch because you're not letting them go. You can say something like, I know how much it frustrates you when I don't let you do things that you really feel like you're ready to do. Now, full disclosure, when you're talking to a teenager, that might be super annoying. Just even naming feelings to them might be annoying. But at least before they storm away from you, they're going to hear that you have paid attention, you had a little bit of compassion, and, and you can say, it's okay for you to be mad at me. I just need you to be respectful. Or I need you to say it in a different way. And then what you're allowing for is like, you're not. They don't need to convince you why what you did was wrong. Because you're saying to them like, you probably feel really Left out. And you're frustrated that I'm saying no to this. I totally get that. So they don't need to convince you of what a big deal it is. You've already told them, I know what a big deal it is. And then when they have a chance to feel heard and understood, even if they don't like the limit that you've set, they feel that you've got their back, that you're on their team. You're not doing this to drive them nuts.
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Number three. Set clear boundaries with natural consequences and a natural consequence to a kid who is not using language, body language or verbal language that you like. If they're being obnoxious, you can say, when you speak to me that way, I don't feel like doing you favors and driving you to the mall was doing you a favor. This is not a have to. This is not about being a parent who's doing the things that need to happen for you. This is an extra. So this is important to learn that when you're not nice to somebody, they don't have to do nice things for you. That's just the way it goes. It doesn't mean you don't love them. I love you. You can remind them, of course I love you. But when you speak to me like that, I don't pay attention to your point of view because I'm too focused on the fact that you're being really rude to me and that really, really matters. And then your kids, even if it's because they want to get what they want, will practice how to say it in a different way so that they're not being offensive. And that's just a really important social skill. Okay, number four is a do over. Do overs are so nice, especially when you're talking with younger kids because you can kind of make it silly, but you can also do it with older kids. And a do over is basically like your kid says something that's totally obnoxious. You could get really angry. You could give them natural consequences and not do the thing for them that you wanted to do. You have many options. But. But you could also just say, let's try that again and give them another opportunity. And they know what let's try this again means, because you're giving them another, you're giving them another chance. You're saying like, I'm not even gonna respond to this, they give you another chance to respond in a different kind of way. And for really little kids, a do over can be like a rewind. So you, like rewind a tape, you make a little joke of it and you say, I'm going to do this again. Can you please turn off the tv? Actually, I take that back. We don't want to say, can you please turn off the tv? Please turn off the tv. We know they can do it, we're asking them to do it. So you rewind. You say, let's do that again, rewind the tape. Make the request one more time and be a little silly about it. Okay, the next thing you could try is collaborative problem solving. So there's. Collaborative problem solving allows for proactive solutions to tensions and, and issues with behavior. So in this case, when kids are arguing about rules or decisions that they don't like, you can include them in the problem solving process. So you can say to them, I actually want your input, maintain your boundaries. So if you know that there's a certain hard line about what they can and can't do with regard to whatever it is that you're talking about, keep that. I don't want you to move that. But within the range of possibilities of the limits that you've set, engage them so that they see that their voice matters, that they actually like when you are not making a decision about safety, either physical or emotional safety, that you have flexibility to hear where they're coming from so that you can engage together and figure out a good solution. So here's an example. It sounds like you think 8pm is way too early of a bedtime for you. So I wanna understand it and I wanna see if we can work something out together and let them tell you kind of their pitch, their plan, and you can decide, you know what it sounds like we can add 20 minutes to the evening. And the agreement that we can have is that we're not going to stretch it out and add X number of minutes for whatever. And if you can do that regularly and waking up still seems like it's working well, then we can shift the bedtime. When kids feel like they had a choice in the matter, there's piles of research that shows that they feel when they have some choice in the matter and their perspective matters, that they're going to follow the rules a little bit more carefully because they make sense to them and because we're including them. Strategy number six, this one is just changing your voice. Just lower your voice and slow down. Because children unconsciously Match the energy and the tone. So that mirroring that you're doing, it's neurobiological mirroring, will help bring them into a slower, more quiet, possibly more respectful sounding tone. And so if you're calm and you say, like, I can see this is really important to you, help me understand what's going on here, because what you were just saying didn't work for me. But I do want to understand what's going on. You're using a calm voice, you're curious about what's going on for them. And now they can kind of mirror the same energy instead of using a harsh tone with them and saying, you know, I get it, this is important to you. You're really not meeting them where they are, you're actually having them meet you where you are. And so you're co regulating their nervous system and everybody gets to kind of take it down a notch. Number seven. Okay, so Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, whom I adore, have a saying, connect before you. Correct. And it really is true. And we know from so much research that when you connect first, you are going to have a much more open brain to be able to redirect and move to a different place. So connecting with your child first will allow them to correct the way they were back talking. So here's what it might look like. You might say something like, come over here, what's going on? And like, use a lightness and a something's going on with you. I can tell that you're bothered. You could say something like, do you want to tell me what's really happening? Before I respond, I feel like I could tell that that wasn't the tone that you wanted to use, but you're trying to tell me something's going on for you. So you're basically saying, I'm not going to focus on the behavior. I'm going to focus on the fact that I can tell you're struggling and I want to be there for you. And, and in that connection, then your child has a chance to say what's really happening for them and why they were snippy. When you engage the relational part of the brain, you are more able to cooperate and learn. It is so much easier. So when we think we're teaching by snapping at our kids and saying, I won't tolerate this, which of course you're going to do sometimes because you're a human, but it doesn't open the brain for learning. So you're not going to be able to redirect or correct anything because they're going to be sticking with their anger.
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Little burn on my hand.
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Try to this is just an old school psychology hack, but use I statements instead of you statements. Because we know from the research on nonviolent communication that I statements help with understanding. And instead of blaming and using you statements, you sort of take that pressure off and say something like, I feel disrespected when you roll your eyes at me. So I want us to talk to each other in a kind and respectful way. The reason that sounds different than you're disrespectful when you roll your eyes at me is the emphasis is on how you're saying the other person feels and it's focusing on them. And that not is not necessarily true. And also it totally puts them on the defensive. So to minimize defensiveness and reduce the shame of feeling like you're just a bad kid, you're saying, hey, I feel this way when this happens and I don't want that to be happening. So let's try this a different way. Number nine, offer limited choices. We know from research that choice makes us feel more empowered. And so in this case, you can offer choices, keep the boundary, and you can say two, two options for choices. One is you could say, you can use that tone with me, or you could choose a different tone, but how I respond to it is also going to be different based on the choice that you make. But another choice you can do is say, okay, you don't want to clean your room right now. I hear that. And just totally don't pay attention to backtalk because what you're doing is you're offering a new choice. Why don't you let me know if you want to do it before dinner or right after dinner and let them feel like they have some say in it. And then you go from there and you kind of let go of the back talk because what you're doing is again, you're reframing and you're removing that from the conversation and you're thinking about, like, what really needs to get done here. The room needs to get clean. So let me give them two choices. I'm not giving the, you know, the option of like not cleaning your room, but the option about time. Because self determination theory is a real thing. People want to feel like they have self, some say in their basic autonomy. Number 10, have conversations during calm moments. Don't try to change this behavior in the heat of the moment. It won't work. It will potentially work if you get mad or if you, you know some of the other strategies that I talked about, like saying, I can't, I'm not doing nice things for somebody who talks to me that way. However, if you really want to change this habit, if you really want to change this whatever is going on with repeat back talk or you think it's becoming a big problem, do so during calm moments. Because we know that important conversations need to happen in non threatening settings, not in the heat of the moment. You can't get anything done in the heat of the moment. You can't teach somebody whose brain is closed. It's not open for learning in that moment. And so save it. And then at another point say, hey, is now a good time to talk if they're older? If they're younger, you don't need to ask permission. I've noticed that we've been having some heated conversations lately. I've noticed there's been a lot of tension in our conversations or when I ask you to do things. I want to talk about it because I want to figure out ways that we can treat each other while still disagreeing because it's totally okay to disagree. And now kids can actually hear and integrate the lessons that you're trying to impart because they're not feeling under threat, they're not in the heat of the moment and they can actually think like, I really don't want to talk like that. I just sometimes get upset and I don't know other ways to manage it. And then you have a real conversation and real learning happening. So I want to give you a few scenarios and quick responses so that this is all sort of put in practice. Simple one. You're so mean. Quick response is like, sounds like you're really upset with my decision. Tell me more about that scenario. That's not fair. You're right, it might not feel fair to you and I totally get that. And I want to understand your perspective. What are you thinking? Don't take the bait and argue back that it is fair. Don't take the bait and argue back why you're not mean. Try not to say things like don't talk to me that way unless you give an alternative. Try not to lecture in the moment when emotions are super high and resist the urge to bring up past behavior. It is so easy to fall back on how many times I've told you not to do this or you keep doing this same thing because it just is not helpful in the heat of the moment. And also it can teeter on saying, like, I give up on you. You're hopeless. Remember that backtalk is often a child's less skilled way of basically expressing real feelings of whatever's happening for them. And our response teaches them how to handle conflict and strong emotions in a better and more respectful way. If we can't handle our response, then they're definitely not going to learn to handle these kinds of conflicts in a gentler way. So if we can remind ourselves, our goal is to really teach respectful communication. We cannot do so by meeting them where they are with disrespectful communication. And we can't eliminate all disagreement. Kids should push back. It doesn't mean we have to change our limits, but we also want them to know that they can push back. So if we can stay more often than not calm and connected, and I say more often than not to remind you that we can't get this right all of the time because we're humans and humans make mistakes, they lose it, they lose their cool. They say the wrong thing and then they repair and it's okay. So. So don't be too hard on yourself. But if more often than not, you can try to stay a little bit more calm and connected, that will be more effective. The patience that is required to navigate backtalk is pretty intense. So if you do manage it, give yourself a huge pat on the back because this is a skill that develops over time. And I think we don't really get challenged until we have kids. So we are new at this and you're going to keep practicing over time. And if you can imagine that every time there's back talk, there's more of an opportunity to grow that relationship. It won't make you as mad and it will help reduce your reactivity so that you can help them reduce theirs. Try one of these strategies this week and notice what happens and let me know. Remember, we're not looking for a perfect, perpetual connection. We're looking for more often than not. Remember, if you want to sign up for my substack, drlisa pressman.substack.com you can sign up for substack. It's free. There are a lot of takeaways like this that are in writing because some people like to read things and get the quick summaries. And also there's a membership version which is about the price of a cup of coffee per month, where we meet on Zoom and you could do live Q and A. So you can bring me all of your scenarios and we can talk about them. And as always, you can send in your questions to my DM on at Raising Good Humans podcast on Instagram. Have a great week. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.