Raising Good Humans: Episode Summary - "10 Ways to Respond to Backtalk Without Damaging Your Relationship"
Release Date: June 20, 2025
Host: Dr. Aliza Pressman
In this insightful episode of Raising Good Humans, Dr. Aliza Pressman delves into the challenging yet common issue of backtalk between parents and children. Drawing from her expertise as a developmental psychologist and parent educator, Dr. Pressman offers ten effective strategies to respond to backtalk in a manner that fosters respect and strengthens the parent-child relationship.
1. Understanding Backtalk in Developmental Context
Dr. Pressman begins by contextualizing backtalk within different developmental stages, emphasizing that what might seem disrespectful is often a natural part of a child's growth.
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Toddlers (Under 5 years): Limited language skills manifest as physical expressions of frustration, primarily saying "no." This stage is about asserting independence and building emotional vocabulary.
“..."I'm going to give it a try. And then if you keep shifting your limits based on what I say to you, I'm going to know that those are not super important."* [03:30]
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Early Elementary (Ages 5-8): Enhanced language allows children to mimic phrases from media or peers, often testing social boundaries without fully understanding their implications.
“..."I think what you're trying to say with that eye roll is you don't love what I'm saying to you."* [04:15]
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Middle Childhood to Adolescence: Increased cognitive abilities and peer influence lead to more sophisticated backtalk, often as a means of identity formation and individuation.
“..."If you know this, it won't set you off as much, hopefully."* [08:40]
2. Ten Strategies to Respond to Backtalk
Dr. Pressman outlines ten practical strategies, each designed to address backtalk without escalating tension or damaging the parent-child bond.
Strategy 1: Breathe and Pause
Time Stamp: [15:00]
Before reacting to backtalk, take a deep breath and count to six. This pause helps deactivate the "fight" response and models emotional regulation for your child.
“...When there's back talk, there's more of an opportunity to grow that relationship."* [24:30]
Strategy 2: Acknowledge the Feeling Behind the Words
Time Stamp: [14:13]
Recognize that backtalk often masks deeper emotions or unmet needs. By acknowledging these feelings, parents can address the underlying issues.
“...I know how much it frustrates you when I don't let you do things that you really feel like you're ready to do."* [14:30]
Strategy 3: Set Clear Boundaries with Natural Consequences
Time Stamp: [17:21]
Establish firm boundaries and communicate the natural consequences of disrespectful behavior, reinforcing that positive interactions are rewarded.
“...I love you. When you speak to me like that, I don't pay attention to your point of view."* [17:21]
Strategy 4: Implement Do-Overs
Time Stamp: [20:00]
Give children another chance to express themselves appropriately by rephrasing requests in a light-hearted or silly manner.
“...Let's do that again, rewind the tape."* [20:15]
Strategy 5: Engage in Collaborative Problem Solving
Time Stamp: [21:45]
Involve children in finding solutions within established boundaries, fostering a sense of autonomy and mutual respect.
“...When kids feel like they have some choice in the matter, they're going to follow the rules a little bit more carefully."* [22:00]
Strategy 6: Change Your Voice
Time Stamp: [23:10]
Lowering your voice and slowing down your speech can encourage children to mirror your calm demeanor, reducing the intensity of the interaction.
“...I'm co-regulating with my kids."* [23:30]
Strategy 7: Connect Before You Correct
Time Stamp: [24:52]
Build a connection before addressing the behavior. This approach opens the child's brain to learning and cooperation.
“...Connect before you correct."* [24:55]
Strategy 8: Use "I" Statements Instead of "You" Statements
Time Stamp: [27:57]
Express your feelings without casting blame, which reduces defensiveness and promotes understanding.
“...I feel disrespected when you roll your eyes at me."* [28:05]
Strategy 9: Offer Limited Choices
Time Stamp: [28:30]
Provide children with controlled options to empower them while maintaining necessary boundaries.
“...You can choose to do it before dinner or after dinner."* [29:00]
Strategy 10: Have Conversations During Calm Moments
Time Stamp: [30:15]
Address recurrent backtalk and underlying issues when both parties are calm, facilitating more productive discussions.
“...Is now a good time to talk?"* [30:30]
3. Practical Scenarios and Quick Responses
To illustrate these strategies, Dr. Pressman presents various scenarios with corresponding effective responses:
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Scenario: Child says, "You're so mean."
Response: “Sounds like you're really upset with my decision. Tell me more about that."
[31:00] -
Scenario: Teenager argues about bedtime.
Response: “It sounds like you think 8 PM is way too early. Let's see if we can work out a compromise."
[32:15]
4. Final Insights and Encouragement
Dr. Pressman emphasizes that mastering these strategies requires patience and practice. She reassures parents that occasional lapses are normal and that the goal is consistent improvement rather than perfection.
“...Remember, we're not looking for a perfect, perpetual connection. We're looking for more often than not."* [35:45]
She encourages parents to view each instance of backtalk as an opportunity to strengthen their relationship and teach valuable communication skills.
Additional Resources
Dr. Pressman invites listeners to subscribe to her Substack for written takeaways and to join her membership for live Q&A sessions. She also promotes ongoing support through social media channels.
Conclusion
This episode of Raising Good Humans serves as a comprehensive guide for parents navigating the complex dynamics of backtalk. By implementing Dr. Pressman's ten strategies, parents can transform challenging interactions into meaningful opportunities for growth and connection, ultimately fostering a respectful and loving relationship with their children.