Raising Good Humans: From Sleeping in Their Own Beds to Ordering at Restaurants - How to Stop Rescuing Our Kids from Anxiety So They Can Learn to Rescue Themselves (Part 2)
Host: Dr. Aliza Pressman
Guest: Dr. Ellie Lebowitz, Yale Child Study Center
Release Date: November 15, 2024

In the second part of the enlightening two-part series, Raising Good Humans, host Dr. Aliza Pressman engages in a profound conversation with Dr. Ellie Lebowitz from the Yale Child Study Center. This episode delves deep into practical strategies for parents to support their anxious children without overtly rescuing them, fostering independence and resilience.

Key Topics and Discussions

1. Understanding the Impact of Parental Accommodation on Family Dynamics

Dr. Lebowitz begins by addressing the common scenarios where parents may unintentionally rescue their children from anxiety, such as insisting a child stay in bed or accompany them to social settings like restaurants. She emphasizes the importance of allowing children to navigate these situations to build their coping mechanisms.

Dr. Ellie Lebowitz [02:35]: "We can't just say we're not going to have it at all. Teenagers are going to be using social media."

This sentiment reflects the broader theme of balancing protection with empowerment, ensuring that while children are safeguarded from genuine threats, they are also given space to handle manageable stressors independently.

2. Navigating Sibling Dynamics and the Family System

A significant portion of the discussion centers on the ripple effects of one child's anxiety on the entire family. Dr. Pressman and Dr. Lebowitz explore the challenges parents face when accommodating an anxious child and how it can inadvertently strain relationships with other siblings.

Dr. Aliza Pressman [09:40]: "When you're dealing with multiple children, accommodating one can sometimes come at the expense of another."

They highlight that families operate as interconnected systems, where changes in one member's behavior or needs influence the entire household. Dr. Lebowitz suggests strategies such as separate outings or designated times to ensure that the needs of all children are met without overwhelming the family unit.

3. Strategies to Reduce Over-Rescuing and Foster Independence

Dr. Lebowitz introduces actionable methods for parents to gradually reduce their tendency to rescue, thereby encouraging their children to develop self-reliance. One effective technique discussed is the “Simulated Independence” approach, where parents engage in role-playing to help children practice managing anxiety-inducing situations.

Dr. Ellie Lebowitz [17:31]: "Competence builds confidence. The way to build competence is by learning new skills."

This method involves setting small, manageable goals, such as briefly leaving the child’s bedroom, and incrementally increasing the duration to build trust and independence.

4. Addressing Parental Emotions: Anger and Frustration

The conversation does not shy away from the emotional toll that parenting an anxious child can take. Dr. Pressman provides guidance on how parents can navigate feelings of anger and frustration without projecting these emotions onto their children.

Dr. Aliza Pressman [33:06]: "You are not a bad parent because you feel fed up with the fact that your child's anxiety is having such an impact on the whole family's life."

Acknowledging these emotions is crucial, as it allows parents to process their feelings constructively while maintaining supportive relationships with their children. Dr. Lebowitz advises parents to express their struggles separately from their interactions with their anxious child, ensuring that the child does not internalize the parents' stress.

5. The Debate on Labeling and Over-Diagnosing Anxiety

An important segment of the episode addresses concerns about the potential over-diagnosis of anxiety in children, especially in the age of social media where trends and labels can spread rapidly. Dr. Pressman counters by highlighting the more pressing issue of under-diagnosis and emphasizes the importance of differentiating between normal anxiety and disorders that require intervention.

Dr. Aliza Pressman [37:54]: "Anxiety has long been the most common mental health problem, and under-addressing it remains a significant issue."

She advocates for a balanced perspective, recognizing that while over-identification can be a concern, the greater risk lies in many anxious children not receiving the help they desperately need.

6. Introducing SPACE: Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions

Dr. Lebowitz introduces the SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions) treatment program, designed to equip parents with the tools to support their anxious children effectively. This program focuses on:

• Reducing parental accommodation
• Enhancing parental confidence in managing anxiety
• Promoting gradual independence in children

Dr. Aliza Pressman [48:56]: "SPACE does not ask of the child; it's asking of the parent, which is incredibly empowering."

The program emphasizes that change begins with parents altering their responses, which in turn positively impacts the child's anxiety levels and overall family harmony.

Notable Quotes with Attribution and Timestamps

• Dr. Ellie Lebowitz [02:35]: "We can't just say we're not going to have it at all. Teenagers are going to be using social media."

• Dr. Aliza Pressman [09:40]: "When you're dealing with multiple children, accommodating one can sometimes come at the expense of another."

• Dr. Ellie Lebowitz [17:31]: "Competence builds confidence. The way to build competence is by learning new skills."

• Dr. Aliza Pressman [33:06]: "You are not a bad parent because you feel fed up with the fact that your child's anxiety is having such an impact on the whole family's life."

• Dr. Aliza Pressman [37:54]: "Anxiety has long been the most common mental health problem, and under-addressing it remains a significant issue."

• Dr. Elliza Pressman [48:56]: "SPACE does not ask of the child; it's asking of the parent, which is incredibly empowering."

Conclusions and Takeaways

The episode underscores the delicate balance parents must strike between protecting their children from anxiety and allowing them the space to develop resilience. Key takeaways include:

• Gradual Reduction of Accommodation: Implementing small, consistent changes in how parents respond to anxiety triggers helps children build coping skills.

• Family-Centric Strategies: Recognizing and addressing the broader family dynamics ensures that all children feel supported without one needing to be a focus of anxiety management.

• Parental Self-Care: Acknowledging and managing parental emotions prevent the inadvertent transfer of stress to children, fostering a healthier family environment.

• Access to Resources: Programs like SPACE provide structured support for parents, offering evidence-based strategies to effectively manage their child's anxiety.

Overall, Dr. Pressman and Dr. Lebowitz provide a compassionate and practical roadmap for parents navigating the challenges of raising anxious children, advocating for a supportive yet empowering approach that benefits both the child and the entire family.

Additional Resources:

• SPACE Treatment Information: spacetreatment.net
• Facebook Page for SPACE: Join here
• Books and Further Reading: Available on the SPACE website.

Note: This episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services mentioned by the speakers.