Loading summary
Transcript70 lines
- [00:01]
A
The following podcast is a Dear Media production.
- [00:09]
B
Welcome to Raising good humans. I'm Dr. Liza Pressman and today is a episode that I did jointly with Kelly Corrigan, the wonderful Kelly Corrigan of Kelly Corrigan Wonders. We wanted to talk about the wildfires and how to support people who are going through such a devastating experience. And I mean, this conversation translates to being there to support people who are going through really anything. So we thought we would do an episode to just help sort of give people tools to be supportive, to be helpful, which is separate from giving tools to people who need to be supported here in California, here in Los Angeles. It's going to be a long road to recovery and we're going to do it.
- [01:01]
A
So Claire, who's my senior in college, is considering moving to LA and trying to get a job in entertainment. And so with her last week of Christmas break, we thought, we'll go to la, we'll stay with our buddies in the Palisades and we can drive around and look at apartments and neighborhoods and do some networking and just see how it feels, see what her sort of gut reaction is. And we woke up in our friend's house in the Palisades. She went for a run on the beach. It was a perfect day. I went and sat in the backyard and did like my little stretches and had my coffee and texted Edward and said, this place is heaven. Like, this place is tough to beat.
- [01:50]
B
Yep.
- [01:52]
A
And you know, by that afternoon we were driving away with like Hiroshima in our rearview mirror. Like, the, the skies were so actively filling with these darker and darker billowing clouds. Our friend's house was gone down to a cement planter. She's expecting a baby in two weeks. She had just shown me her adorable nursery. And yeah, I mean, so I just thought we've got to talk because there's so many caring, wonderful people who listen to both of us who want to do right by the moment. And of course there are like kind of the big macro things that people can do and I feel like that information is really circulating. Red Cross and Save the Children and all these, these super reliable and trustworthy first responder type organizations that are the backbone of the effort. But what I thought I would love to hear your take on, like, how to be useful to all the people who are affected by this. And of course, we should say that we're recording this on Tuesday. So it's been seven days. They're calling for more high winds tomorrow, up to 70 miles an hour. So who knows what will happen between today and the day that we get this all sorted and up in our feeds. But for now, I just thought, there's so many crises, and I wanted to talk about how to help somebody you love and see if you had some thoughts there.
- [03:38]
B
You know, this is a really interesting time for people to want so desperately to respond and to help. And one thing that we keep seeing over and over again, which I'm not Pollyannish, there are also, like, looters and arson and crazy things happening. But generally speaking, being helpful helps all of us feel like there's hope in the world, and it helps us feel better, and it helps us. It's helpful to the people who are hurting, and it's helpful to the people who want to be there. And so the only thing that could be wrong is, like, if you have a loved one going through this kind of experience, you know, minimizing the experience that they're going through or telling them all the reasons why it could be worse, I think that is just something to throw out there for people who are struggling to think of what to say or what to do. I heard from everybody one of the things that made them feel so loved was that from far and wide, just receiving a text. My teenagers both noticed it immediately. They were like, this is an incredible thing to watch. It's so devastating. Many of their friends lost their homes or their neighborhoods or, you know, luckily no actual human loved ones. But there was something really beautiful about seeing that response, is that everybody from far and wide really wants to check in and check in.
- [05:17]
A
Yeah, it's like a quilt. It's like everybody's contributing their tiny little square, but actually in total. And everyone who's been through something shocking can probably remember being on the receiving end of all of that, and it feels so inadequate, but it's not. You know, when I texted you, I felt like I really want her to know that. Like, I, I, I care. And it's like, ray, well, you're one of, like, you know, 500 people who love Ala Pressman and want to make sure that she's safe. And seeing your text chain blow up like that can be the lift that you need to get from one day to the next when it's still unfolding and it's so intense and there's so much uncertainty still ahead. The other thing I would just flag on that is I got diagnosed with cancer in my 30s, and I. I was on the receiving end of the quilt of texts. And it fades. Obviously, people go back to their regularly scheduled lives. It's like one of the Hardest things about crisis, like after a school shooting or a loss or, you know, a car accident, the next thing you know, people are posting their party pics in their feeds. And I think it can feel to the afflicted, like, wow, must be nice to, like, go back to, you know, selfies on the beach when my whole town is like a war zone. I mean, it looks like Hiroshima. So I think a flag for all of us is to hang in there, is to remember a week from now and a month from now and of course, a year from now when the rebuilding will continue. The other thing that's never steered me wrong is fewer statements, more questions. Yeah, like, what do you think? Instead of like, you got to get out of there.
- [07:11]
B
Yeah, I got a lot of, you got to get out of there.
- [07:13]
A
You did.
- [07:14]
B
Yeah. And then you, you know, that's not. It's not super helpful. But it is coming from loved ones who are just panicked because to watch this on the news and to not know the. The way LA works, it's just so spread out. And I can imagine a world where you're like, I'm sorry, if you can visually see there are fires, why would you not be gone? I can totally imagine what that experience must be like for someone else. But then for me, we went to friends houses, but we felt very safe. But I could understand how loved ones could be like, this is insane. But it is easier to hear how is it going? Than it is to hear go.
- [08:01]
A
Yeah. Which it goes to, like, the larger principle of just allowing for varied responses. I mean, I actually think that one of the things that's hardest about all these crises is that even within a single household, there could be multiple responses. So you could have a partner who says, we're moving and a partner who says, we're rebuilding, and a kid who's weeping saying, please, I. I don't ever want to change schools, and a kid who's saying, I, I hate this town. I always have. I don't even want to breathe this air. I'm putting on a mask forever until we leave. Like, that's the problem, is that we're individuals and so we have these individual responses. And I think we're not that good at letting all that coexist. And I guess I would beg us all, like, not to persuade others on our point of view that, like, now is not a time for selling a plan of action. Like, don't stand up in a rocky boat kind of thing.
- [09:04]
B
Yeah.
- [09:05]
A
Like, this is a time to be still for a second and you're gonna feel different tomorrow and you're gonna feel different a week from now. And all outcomes are on the table. All next moves are on the table.
- [09:19]
B
Now a quick word for my sponsors. I wanna tell you about my sponsor, Lumi. Lume is a whole body deodorant and what is so cool. First of all, it's created by an ob GYN and it's clinically proven to block odor all day, control odor for up to 72 hours. And all the products are baking soda free and paraben free. And when I first introduced deodorant into my home with all the teenagers around, I started to get a little bit more concerned thinking about the ingredients in typical deodorants. And so of course I cared more when I was thinking about young people than I do about myself. And I learned about Lumi. And you can choose from a variety of fresh bright scents, clean tangerine, lavender, sage. They have a mini body wash and deodorant wipes which if you have athletes is awesome because they can grab and go. Lumi Starter Pack is perfect for new customers and it comes with a solid stick Deodorant Cream Tube Deodorant, two free products of your choice like mini body wash and deodorant wipes and free shipping. And as a special offer for listeners, new customers get 15% off all Lume products with our exclusive code. And if you combine the 15% off of the already discounted starter pack that equals over 40% off their starter pack. Use the code humans for 15% off your first purchase@lumideodorant.com that's code humans at L U M E D E o d o R-A-N-T.com Please support the show and tell them we sent you Smell Fresher, stay drier and boost your confidence from head to toe with Lumi. Now I want to tell you about a new podcast called Screen Deep. It aims to decode young brains and behavior in the digital age. So each episode dives into the latest research, groundbreaking studies and expert insights into how digital media shapes child development from birth through adolescence. And it is designed for the intellectually curious listeners. Screen Deep podcast blends accessibility, storytelling and engaging conversations that are rooted in rigorous research from many fields on issues that matter to children, matter to families. The issues range from neuroscience to early childhood development. Join host Chris Perry and leading experts for thoughtful insights on information parents, caregivers and educators need to support kids health and development in a digital world. Screen Deep, a new podcast that aims to decode young brains and behavior In a digital age, it's hard to get easy, reliable evidence based content. As you know, I try to do it all the time. And now with this incredibly robust topic of screens, this digital age, Screen Deep Podcast is so helpful. So search for Screen Deep Podcast wherever you get your podcast or go to childrenandscreens.org I mean, I think people were confused why we were sending our kids back to school. For those of us who are lucky enough to have schools that are in safe neighborhoods open and you know, our, a lot of our kids needed to go back to something normal. So most of the kids, particularly the ones who've gone through the worst of it, seeing that there are things that can stay the same is so protective. But it is again, it's like really hard to watch that. And I'm again am so safe. Like we are back at home, we're not near anything, the air is cleared up. But you know, it's a city now, it's surrounded with so many people. You don't know what somebody's lost no matter where you are here. And it's really, it's devastating and I hope people don't forget about it. It is kind of business as usual. I'm getting married this weekend. Like it's kind of crazy. I'm not getting married in LA though, but that feels like a little overly happy for knowing so many people who've been so devastated.
- [13:39]
A
Yeah, yeah. But I mean, my friends are having a baby on Friday and they're right.
- [13:44]
B
You can't delay a baby.
- [13:46]
A
Which goes to this other thing that's really complicated and hard I think is that we're having multiple emotional experiences, sometimes on either end of the spectrum simultaneously. Like that's very trippy to be so happy that you're getting married and so worried about climate change or air quality or, you know, a hundred thousand people who are looking for a place to sleep tonight. Yeah, it's like the simultaneity I think can be really tiresome. And then the other thing that's in there is the feeling judged for how you're responding is super counterproductive. And it's very easy to feel that way, you know, like I remember, I mean, my only deep experience with crisis was being diagnosed with stage three cancer with two kids in diapers. I learned so much from it and it's helped me so much every day of the rest of my life to have lived through that because it's so transferable to these sudden moments. And one of the things that I appreciated the most is people who Followed my lead in terms of what mood I was in at that moment. So sometimes I was in the mood to be like, oh my God, I'm going to be dead in five years. And other times I was in the mood to plan a party. Like, Georgia was turning 3 and I really wanted her to have her birthday party. Just like, I really want you to have your wedding and I really want your kids to be able to go back to their life. And people, you know, accidentally say, are you sure you want to have the party for Georgia? And it's like, I don't want to talk to you anymore because I feel like you're sort of suggesting that I shouldn't. And then I think when we perceive that we're being judged, we might give them a break. Because I think it's love gone wrong. I think it's like trying to give me permission to not party or give you permission to not send your kids to school if you don't want to, or to reschedule your wedding. So hopefully, if it's from a loving source, we could change our response to it on the way in where it's like, on a bad day, this could really sound like judgment and this could really piss me off and this could make something bad worse. But I'm going to translate it as something loving.
- [16:10]
B
Our interpretation is the only thing that we can control anyway, so. So I would love it if we could encourage people to maybe just take a beat before saying those loving, what did you call it? Love gone wrong. Those love gone wrong statements. But in the absence of that, we can reinterpret them as love gone wrong instead of what the hell, like, I don't need to feel that way. Thanks so much. And I do think there's this skill that we should develop around age 4, theory of mind that's like this incredible cognitive development where you finally realize that other people have a different mental state than you do. So like a three year old assumes that every perspective they have is the same. It's shared by their people. If your favorite food is broccoli, their favorite food is broccoli. And then this thing happens where you understand the mental state of other people could be different and it's magical. But what's even crazier is how hard it is to keep that concept alive and growing over time. Because the number of people who've said, if it were me, you know, I'd be out of there. Or if all of the things that, if it were me, it's not you, it's never you.
- [17:38]
A
Right, right.
- [17:39]
B
So it's just so important and such hard work. But this is the time, I think, to really practice it, because it never feels good to think that someone else assumes that they understand exactly who and what your perspective is. Especially, like, who you are and what your perspective is as theirs. It just feels like it's not a way to connect. So that would be the thing that I've noticed a little bit. And I'm not noticing it with judgment so much as, like, oh, yeah, I do that too. We have to remember that's a skill we learn very young. But we, like, lose it. We don't need to.
- [18:23]
A
Totally. I just had it. I. I was talking about how scared of snakes I am, and I was like, but everyone's scared of snakes. My mom was like, oh, my God, I love snakes. I think they're amazing. I'm like, you're a freak.
- [18:35]
B
Yeah. I would say the same thing.
- [18:37]
A
And it's like, no, there are people who, like, have snakes as a pet. They spent their last dollar getting a snake.
- [18:44]
B
Yeah.
- [18:44]
A
You know, like, that they go to parts of the world so they can see snakes in the wild. So. Yeah, exactly.
- [18:52]
B
But that's coming up a lot, and I think it's just a helpful thing. Even when you're talking about something like snakes, I don't care for snakes, but, like, I struggle with a rodent phobia that is so crazy. But I assume that that is everybody's, like, most terrible, disgusting thing. And it's so interesting because you just assume. But these are, like, little things to practice in life. Just remembering. Not everybody thinks snakes are the most terrifying that you could come across.
- [19:21]
A
Yeah. And let that be your way. You remember that everyone will respond to everything that happens in their own way. And that if you're coming in to serve, then you have to tune to their channel, not try to get them to tune to your channel. Like, your channel's pretty irrelevant most of the time. If you're there to serve.
- [19:44]
B
If you're there to serve, it really is.
- [19:46]
A
I mean, if I'm reaching out to people who I love in la, I am literally just trying to create another space where they could vent or do their toxic positivity cheerleading thing, or do their gallows humor or do their kind of project manager assessment of what's going to happen next. Like what? However they want to respond to this. My goal would be to, like, get in line with that and do it with them, rather than, I don't know, suggest an alternative point of view. Like, that's not My job. Not when you're just like, trying to love up on somebody and remind.
- [20:26]
B
Not when you're trying to love up.
- [20:27]
A
You got people. You, people care about you.
- [20:30]
B
I mean, that is ultimately what everybody needs. And I think it is so moving for everyone around here just to seeing the, I mean, the mobilizing of just being like, how can we help? Like, we're okay. How can we help? Is extraordinary. And it's been so cool to watch all the young people and like, everybody grabbing clothes for their friends. And it's been kind of like, oh, yeah, whenever these things happen, if you just pay attention to how beautiful humanity is in those moments, it kind of gets you out of the, like, oh, God, this is doomsday. But I did notice because we went to our friends who were in a. A neighborhood that was just not going to be at risk of fire. And we're kind of watching the news and watching everything unfold. And they have three kids and I have two. So it was just like watching so many different people respond in so many different ways and not one of the kids responded in the same way.
- [21:30]
A
Yeah.
- [21:32]
B
Now a quick word for my sponsors. I want to tell you a little bit about apostrophe. It's on my mind. Just feeling confident with your skin and knowing that you have really good expert care is why I liked working with apostrophe. Because whether you have a little acne outbreak or you're just starting to see signs of crepey skin or dark spots, apostrophe helps you get access to the right treatment for your skin. Apostrophe is an online platform that connects you with expert dermatology teams to get customized acne and dermatology treatment for your unique skin. So you get access to both oral and topical medications that use clinically proven ingredients to clear acne, for example. And all you have to do is simply fill out an online consultation about your skin goals, you add your medical history, and then you snap a few selfies, and a dermatology provider will create a customized treatment plan just for you. So for me, what I was seeking in filling out my form was just all about my skin texture and pores. But I like anything that has a no in person appointment and no trip to the pharmacy. So that is my favorite part about this. And there's a special deal for raising good humans audience members. You get your first Visit for only $5 at apostrophe.com humans when you use the code humans. So that's a savings of $15 with this code humans only available to our listeners. To get started, just go to apostrophe.com humans and click get started and then use our code humans at signup and you'll get your first Visit for only $5. Thanks, Apostrophe, for sponsoring this episode. I want to tell you about one of the ways to start the new year off healthy. And it's just re invigorating your cleaning products. Because a lot of conventional cleaning products are loaded with harmful chemicals. They have hidden toxins that can irritate skin, hormone disruptors. They can pollute the air inside your house. It's just unnecessary now that there are so many amazing ways to break free from the cycle of using these products that compromise your wellbeing. That's where Branch Basics comes in. It makes it so simple to take control of your home's health. They have a premium starter kit that features one powerhouse concentrate that works for everything. Like, you can do your laundry. You can scrub counters, you can get rid of bathroom grime. You can even use it to gently clean produce because it's plant and mineral based, so it's safe for babies and pets. Anybody with sensitive skin. You just can feel totally confident using this throughout your home. And it's just one powerhouse concentrate product. So for me, concentrate is key. One concentrate equals 13 refills. So it's pretty great. Branch Basics can help you kick off this year with a healthier home and a fresh routine. Right now, our listeners get 15% off their entire order by using the Code humans@break branchbasics.com that's 15 off your order at branch basics.com with the promo code humans. Make 2025 your cleanest, healthiest year yet with Branch Basics.
- [24:48]
A
What do you have any thoughts, like, professional advice around consuming news and images and video footage? Like, there were a couple things that were made available in the past seven days that I thought, I don't know if I should let this into my personal lifetime.
- [25:06]
B
Real. Yeah, yeah. Images are so hard. I didn't know how harrowing it was till I got to my friends because I don't have whatever that thing is called with regular television. So, like, I can't really watch the news. I have to read or listen because images stick in your brain so much more. And for children, I mean, certainly for the under 12 set, no news, those images are very hard. You know, when September 11th happened, if you lived in New York City, as you know, you could see on taxi tv and just like all over the place, it was showing up all the time. Young children seeing the images of the towers falling thought they kept falling because they don't have capacity to understand that they're just seeing the same thing over and over again. It can be really harmful. So that lasts until, like, seven years old, even eight years old. And then even when you can process that, you're just watching what's going on and they're showing repeated scary images. And in this case with the fires, they didn't even need to repeat the scary images they had consistently. You know, it's still going on, but it's just not easy to let go of those images in your brain. And you can care and you can hear about it, and you can get the important information without doing that to yourself. So that's true for 12 and under. I, like, really don't see any reason for them to ever see the news. And then for teenagers and adults alike, temperament matters. I mean, some people really can see that stuff, and maybe it mobilizes them to go help the community, and they just feel like, I need to connect and understand what's going on. But in general, nobody needs it on very much. And that was one of the differences in my household versus my very dear best friend, is that she was like, I can't stop watching. I can't stop watching. Then we were watching it, and at one point, there was a very short time where there was the fire happening where I am, and I was like, I don't think I want to be watching in real time on the news. Something that I'm like, this is terrifying. And my kids were in the room at the time. And I think that was when we decided this is now just voyeuristic and terrifying. So, yeah, that's my view on news. Just from a professional standpoint, there's no question that the younger brains definitely don't need it. And our brains just needed a little bit, like, we need enough to do what we need to do and know what we need to know. And most of the news is not serving that purpose, although they've been incredible. I will say, during this time, helping people, you know, find out a lot of information.
- [28:04]
A
I mean, it's a real call for intentionality in terms of your media consumption. Like, you should know, you should get up in the morning and have a conversation with yourself about, like, how much are you going to take in today? And also, what parts of the story are you going to absorb? Because, as you say, like, there's the billowing clouds of smoke, but there's Also, you know, 700 people showing up at a location with food, diapers, clothing, shoes, coats. And so the message is, in order to stay in a kind of productive mindset where you're not flattened, suffocating your heart with these images, be conscientious about how much and what the balance is. Like, because the story is wide and includes a lot of different characters. I mean, you could do this total deep dive on, like, why the mayor was in Ghana. Like, that's a whole funny little element of this thing. You could learn all about the Santa Ana winds. You could learn about a certain firefighter who the. This is the 50th California fire that he's worked on. So there are ways to engage, but you should be driving. You shouldn't let it run you over, you know?
- [29:16]
B
Yeah. And I will say it's pretty intoxicating. Like, if it's put in front of me, I'll sit there, like, for hours. I wasn't doing it intentionally, and I was like this. You know, we need to take a beat and figure out, like, what are we trying to get out of this and what information do we need? And if you have kids, it's a whole other thing. I guess with older kids, it's also modeling, but for the younger kids, I think we have to really be more careful and more intentional.
- [29:44]
A
Yeah. I was just thinking about another funny way that we're accidentally counterproductive when we're trying to love up on people. Seems so easy to get it a little bit wrong. But this friend of mine who lost his house, who's having the baby on Friday, said that what's helping him is to help, which is, like, you know, as he said, the Buddhist treatment for depression is service. And so he took that totally to heart. And that's really the only time in these seven days that he's felt pretty decent. But what some people around him are saying is, like, we don't have time for that. Like, you take care of you right now. And what he's trying to say is, this is how that is. This is how I'm taking care of me. And so it's kind of incredible to think about all the ways that we opine on each other's choices and moves and behaviors, maybe without really being super conscious of how it might be landing, you know?
- [30:54]
B
Yeah. I mean, one of the things that is frustrating to hear or witness, it's advice giving directly to a person going through something of, like, you know, what you need to do, you need to help yourself, you know, and all the things when, first of all, in that example, he was being Incredibly thoughtful about what helps. And also, it's so good to get that reminder of like, oh, yeah, the activation mode might make you feel better to be like, here's what you need to do. But it doesn't typically make the other person feel better.
- [31:36]
A
Yeah. It's almost like we should refrain from giving advice unless someone comes to us and says, I need your advice. I need somebody to tell me what to do. I am like paralyzed here.
- [31:48]
B
And if that seems like hard, one.
- [31:50]
A
Of 100 cases where someone's actually asking for advice that. But 99% of the time, like, if you hear yourself giving advice, you're on the wrong channel.
- [32:02]
B
Yeah. And I'm saying that like, it's hard because you do.
- [32:06]
A
I kind of do it too. My kids, if my kids are listening to this, which they might be, they surprise me sometimes by listening. Uh, they're gonna. They're shaking their heads like, you gotta be kidding me.
- [32:16]
B
I know, I know. Mine don't listen because it's. Unless they're like trying to sleep or something. But it's true. I mean, it's harder, obviously, with your own people, but zipping it is so effective just being there or checking in. But I do think it's. Even if you, you know, you think, okay, this friend will never ask for help, then you could say, would it be helpful if I, you know, would it be helpful?
- [32:46]
A
Yeah.
- [32:47]
B
If just sometimes, you know, like, if somebody feels like, God, I wouldn't mind a spreadsheet or a plan of action or whatever, that's great. But I mean, asking and it's. It's not that different in life. Right. You know, because we have daughters who. It's really easy to give advice. Yeah, it's really hard.
- [33:08]
A
I think if we memorize, maybe we should make T shirts. Would it be helpful if, like, that's a great structure. Those are great words to keep in your back pocket. And then they can just say, oh, not right now. Maybe, maybe later. But I don't have the energy for that right now. Great, Great.
- [33:25]
B
And now you know I'm here.
- [33:26]
A
Yeah.
- [33:27]
B
Now, a quick word from my sponsors. I want to tell you a little bit about my sponsor.
- [33:34]
A
Wow.
- [33:34]
B
Ynab. It's a life changing app that helps you do what you want with the money that you have. You create a flexible plan for your money through the simple practice of giving every dollar a job. So it keeps you focused on the life that you want. You can cover your mortgage, you can fund your kids college account without sacrificing a date night or a fun family vacation With Ynab, you stop wondering where your money goes and you start deciding where you want it to take you. You can also sign up for a free trial@ynab.com just to get a sense of the app and see how easy it is. Because you put in so much time and effort into earning money, you deserve to spend it without the stress or the second guessing. And the average YNAB user saves $600 in their first two months and $6,000 in their first year. So it's a pretty good deal. And all you have to do is go to ynab.com humans that's www.ynab.com humans and check it out. And listeners of Raising Good Humans can claim an exclusive three month free trial with no credit card required. Again, you go to www.ynab.com humans y n a b.com humans I definitely have a lot going on as we all do and as such I do not love going shopping. I do happen to love having things and getting clothes. So this partner, Daily look solves a lot of clothing problems once and for all. So basically you can be fashionable, you can be with your family, your job, you can be recording a podcast and stay up to date, dare I say in fashion. With Daily look they basically get to know you. You answer some questions about things that you like and then they come back to you with suggestions about what to wear in a whole package so you have great outfits for the whole month. For example, my fantastic jeans where they paid attention to even the fact that I need high waisted jeans and straight legs and all the things and a really cute blouse. So again, it's so simple. You fill out a style quiz, you even put your pricing and lifestyle preferences. You get up to 12 hand selected items delivered right to your home. You buy what you love, you send back the stuff you don't and Daily look offers free shipping both ways. It's so easy and their mission is to elevate your style. It's time to get your own personal stylist with DailyLook. Head to DailyLook.com to take your style quiz and use the code humans for 50% off your first order. Once again, that's DailyLook.com for 50% off and make sure that you use my promo code Humans so they know I sent you one last time. Dailylook.com and promo code Humans the other.
- [36:44]
A
Thing I like and my friend Kelly. So my friends are Kelly and Matt who loves lost their house that are having the baby and Kelly Said, I probably have 350 texts and I don't. I feel terrible that I haven't responded. And I was like, oh God. I just don't think, I don't think anybody who's texting you wants you to feel bad about not responding. But maybe the texters can say that, could say, no need to respond. Yeah, I can't believe there's not like, you know, brb, like, be right back. Yeah, et cetera, et cetera, waiting for them.
- [37:16]
B
No need to respond.
- [37:17]
A
Yes. Nntr. Like, why isn't there.
- [37:23]
B
I always find myself, first of all, I do voice to text. It's so annoying for other people. I know this. I'm the beast. It's like my text to you was like 17 paragraphs because I'm like just talking into my phone. My fiance was like, just got wind of that. He was like, I had no idea until he saw me doing it. He's like, I'm sitting there trying to figure out what is happening with all these texts. I don't know. Anyway, it's lazy. But the thing is that I'm always thinking, this is hard to respond to. I'm just saying it.
- [37:59]
A
Right, right, right.
- [38:00]
B
But I need to be better about that. But I usually say, no need to respond. Particularly, you know, and this is to your point, point from before of when people are going through something, it's not that it's in that moment only if you didn't say something and three weeks have gone by, it's okay to say something. If three years have gone by, it's okay to say something. And also we do have to remind ourselves to say to people, this is not to get a response.
- [38:29]
A
Yep, I have something for us to end on. Unless you. Do you have any other, like really specific things that you want to offer?
- [38:34]
B
I guess the only other thing that I want to offer is that if someone you care for is going through something right now is in this particular instance we're talking about these wildfires. They might change what they need over time. And so we have to be persistent but thoughtful in our ways of being there for people and not take it personally if people don't receive our gestures and not choose now to be self conscious about it, like keep on checking in and keep on not having that response of taking it personally if you don't get something back. And also for kids in particular, and I guess this is true for everyone, but in particular for kids, they might have a very delayed response. So this is the beginning of something that's probably Going to have long term implications for a lot of people. And we don't really know right now all that there is to know. So it doesn't have to be a mad rush to fix anything because some people can show up right now. Some people are going to need a lot of time to show up. And I think there are going to be folks who need this for a while. So whenever you're ready.
- [40:02]
A
Yeah. One of the nicest things that ever happened to me in my whole life was the day Elizabeth Edwards died of breast cancer, which is about three years after I had it. A friend of mine, Michelle Constable, wrote me and said, I hope this didn't throw you off. You are not going to be Elizabeth Edwards. And I thought you might be the only person who saw that headline and thought of me and like, I felt so loved in that moment. So, you know, these fires are going to keep happening. I mean, the wind is not going to stop and they're not going to stop being droughts and there's not going to stop being a desire to move closer and closer to the beautiful wilderness. And it's not the firefighter's fault and it's not local politicians fault. Like Nobody can fight 70, 80, 90 mile per hour winds. And so maybe as these fires continue, everyone who's already been hurt by a previous fire might need a little tlc, just like Michelle gave me when Elizabeth Edwards died. Okay, here's my closing poem. I love this poem. I use it. I use it like medicine. It's called the Thing Is, and it's by Ellen Bass. To love life, to love it even when you have no stomach for it. And everything you've held dear crumbles like burnt paper in your hands, your throat filled with the silt of it. When grief sits with you, it's tropical heat thickening the air, heavy as water, more fit for gills than lungs. When grief waits you like your own flesh, only more of it. An obesity of grief. You think, how can a body withstand this? Then you hold life like a face between your palms. A plain face, no charming smile, no violet eyes. And you say, yes, I will take you. I will love you again.
- [42:06]
B
I love that.
- [42:07]
A
That's Ellen Bass. She's so good. She's so good. I called her when I discovered her and we had the most fun talking on the phone. She does writers retreats. She's really special.
- [42:18]
B
Not to be cheesy, but I do think when you don't know what to say or you kind of are like, I don't have anything that this is exactly when sometimes just sending words. Somebody sent me a poem today. It was a poem about being able to experience great joy and great sorrow together. And that was all. But I think that's another underrepresented way to support people.
- [42:47]
A
Yeah. Have the best wedding.
- [42:51]
B
Thank you. Thank you.
- [43:10]
A
Please note that this episode may contain.
- [43:11]
B
Paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.