Podcast Summary: Raising Good Humans

Episode: Navigating Tantrums: Concrete Tools For Parents w/ Alyssa Campbell
Date: August 29, 2025
Host: Dr. Aliza Pressman
Guest: Alyssa Campbell (Early childhood educator, co-author of Tiny Humans, Big Emotions, author of upcoming Big Kids, Bigger Feelings)

Episode Overview

This episode focuses on understanding and responding to tantrums in children, from toddlers to school-aged kids. Dr. Aliza Pressman and guest Alyssa Campbell offer practical, developmentally appropriate strategies and tools for parents, emphasizing connection, curiosity, and realistic expectations rather than striving for perfection or eliminating tantrums altogether.

Key Discussion Points

1. Foundations: No One-Size-Fits-All for Tantrums

• Each child's temperament and needs—and every parent's style—are different.
• Strategies must adapt to the individual child and specific situation.
• Reframing tantrums as signs of dysregulation, not “bad behavior” or failure.

2. Concrete Responses by Age Group

A. Toddlers (18-24 Months)

• Validation and Safety First

  • Alyssa describes her own children, who have very different needs when melting down:
    • Her daughter is “connection seeking” and responds well to touch and words.
    • Her son wanted as few words as possible and no touch.
  • Quote:
    “For my daughter... when you validate the experience for her, she’s like, yes I feel seen. She loves it. And my son, when he was her age, the more I talked, the more he escalated.”
    — Alyssa Campbell [02:26]

• Concrete Example:

  • [04:11] Alyssa shares an incident: Her 18-month-old daughter pinched her brother after being denied a turn on the swing.

  • Steps taken:

    • Immediate safety: physically separating the kids.
    • Validating feelings: describing what her daughter must be feeling (“You really wanted to go in the swing right now. Sage wants to be by himself in there. Man, it’s hard to feel left out.”)
    • Attending to the child causing harm (the pincher), recognizing it's often those children who need us more in the moment, not just the child who was hurt.

  • Alyssa explains that with some children, validating with words and being present is enough; for others, less is more.

  • Quote:
    “So often with two kids, it’s triage, right? Of like, who needs me more when. And in that moment, even though he had gotten hurt, she actually needed me more.”
    — Alyssa Campbell [06:26]

B. Two- and Three-Year-Olds (Preschoolers)

• Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn: Using "Animal" Analogies

  • Alyssa’s household uses animal terms (lion, frog, possum, puppy dog) to help label and normalize kids' regulation styles, making it accessible for kids.
  • “The kids who often get our attention the most are the kids who go into fight mode predominantly, who are gonna bite, who get big, who yell, who might throw things.”
    — Alyssa Campbell [12:06]

• Classroom Story:

  • [12:23] She recalls a two-and-a-half-year-old who felt threatened when another child approached his block project. The child escalated—throwing a block and grabbing hair.

  • Alyssa’s steps:

    • Assess for emergency, intervene for safety.
    • Validate both children’s feelings (“I’m going to help keep you both safe.”)
    • Use verbal acknowledgment, not quick punishments.
    • If needed, introduce a regulating activity (moving supplies together) before trying to negotiate or solve the conflict.

  • Quote:
    “He was just expressing. Once he got it all out and I validated, and he felt like, alright, we’re in this together... then we were able to talk about, okay, what can we do?”
    — Alyssa Campbell [15:27]

C. Young School-Age Children

• Tantrums Evolve, Don't Disappear

  • Even “big kids” have meltdowns—they just look different: slamming doors, eye rolls, sarcasm.
  • What may seem like disrespect often comes from a child holding it together all day and losing steam at home (the “rest, not the best”).
  • Quote:
    “A big myth that we’re sold in parenthood is that [tantrums] fully go away... what a tantrum is, is I’m dysregulated. I either don’t have the skill I need, or I don’t have access to the skill I need to handle this another way.”
    — Alyssa Campbell [21:30]
  • Secure attachment means kids feel safe falling apart at home.

• Classic Example:

  • [20:50] Alyssa recounts an 8-year-old coming home after a tough day and melting down with eye rolls and slammed doors, only later revealing school drama as the underlying cause.
  • Dr. Pressman reframes these behaviors as compliments to the parent:
    "Their safe place is to let loose at home... It’s such a great developmental expectation and also quite flattering. Even though it doesn’t feel flattering, it’s just safe. We’re safe.”
    — Dr. Aliza Pressman [23:33]

3. Developmental Expectations: When to Worry?

• Tantrums are Normal and Needed
  • “There's no taming the tantrum and, like, making it stop isn't a thing... What is most powerful is when we can get curious and say, like, I wonder what's going on here?” — Alyssa Campbell [25:13]
• Patterns, Not Just Frequency
  • If tantrums are increasing in frequency or severity, or always linked to specific triggers, it’s time to get curious—not panicked.

4. Understanding Dysregulation: The F.A.C.T.S. Framework

(From Alyssa's upcoming book Big Kids, Bigger Feelings)

• F: Food – Are they hungry or on a sugar crash?

• A: Activity – Over/understimulated? Consider the nine sensory systems (visual, auditory, proprioceptive, vestibular, interoceptive, neuroceptive, etc.).

  • Proprioception: Knowing where the body is in space; some kids need lots of big body movement.
  • Vestibular: Movement, balance, spinning/swings.
  • Interoception: Noticing internal signals—hunger, heart rate, bathroom.
  • Neuroception: The “spidey sense” for danger or emotional energy.

• C: Connection – When was the last time the child felt genuine connection? (Not all kids want the same type.)

• T: Tune Out – Sometimes kids need alone/down time, just like adults.

• S: Sleep – Are they tired, close to bedtime, or didn’t sleep well?

  • Quote:
    “Those are such great easy ways to sort of check in so that we know kind of how to set things up for the best possible interactions—with the understanding that regardless, there are gonna be some tantrums.”
    — Dr. Aliza Pressman [36:50]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “With some kids, validating with words and being present is enough; for others, less is more.” — Alyssa Campbell [02:21-04:05]
• “Often, the human who just caused pain actually needs us more in that moment.” — Alyssa Campbell [06:26]
• “Secure attachment means the outside world gets the best of kids, and we get the rest.” — Alyssa Campbell [22:04]
• “Check the bookends of food and sleep... If you want to set yourself up for, you know, some success...” — Dr. Aliza Pressman [37:18]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:21]—How parenting style and child temperament interact in tantrum responses
• [04:11]—Concrete toddler tantrum scenario and step-by-step response
• [10:24]—When “less is more” for talkative vs. quiet toddlers
• [11:37]—Preschoolers: fight-or-flight animal metaphors and classroom example
• [20:50]—Tantrums in older children: why “big kids” still meltdown
• [24:02]—Developmental expectations for tantrums
• [25:13]—Patterns of dysregulation and getting curious
• [34:01]—The F.A.C.T.S. framework for investigating sources of dysregulation

Episode Tone & Closing Takeaways

• Dr. Pressman and Alyssa Campbell’s tone is compassionate, practical, and validating—they normalize challenges, openly share their own struggles, and encourage parents to embrace good-enough parenting and curiosity.
• The message: Tantrums are developmentally normal and manageable. Turn down the volume (rather than aiming to eliminate), support your child through connection and curiosity, and regularly check your expectations.

If you want concrete, trust-inspiring advice on handling tantrums from birth to school-age—with a side of lived reality—this episode has you covered.