A (3:46)

I mean, this kind of thing is. This is what I love is. And you have. Since I've known you, that's been such a beautiful skill of like, mindfulness and meditation is incredibly overwhelming. It's incredibly intimidating. And it feels like you have to put it to the side to get to it later. Like, I think we, most of us agree at this point, it's probably good for us, but it just feels like I'm going to put that on the back burner. And I think you have always been wonderful about letting go of all of this perfect behavior that we have in mind when it comes to meditation in particular, at least for me, and finding these tiny moments. So, of course, Tiny Shifts is a fantastic title for your book because I think of you as someone who has acknowledged how hard this is to do and not made it so that we just can put it on the back burner. So given all of that, I want to just quickly give you an opportunity to pitch why we need this.

B (5:03)

A lot of us try and be a perfect parent. Our kids don't need perfect parents. They need parents that can catch their reactivity a little bit sooner. They. They need regulated parents because so many people on your show have already said, and you speak about quite a bit how we're modeling for our kids all the time. It's not so much about what we're teaching them with our words. It's how we're. How we are in the world. And so our kids need that. And so I'll just kind of say that. I'll also say this because. And this is a personal thing that people. Nobody here has heard before for sure. There was years ago where I was starting a program because I was really interested in how do we kind of like, integrate this work into people's lives and how can I kind of do this outside of my private practice? And so I interviewed you. I interviewed you because I wanted to. I was interviewing a number of people just to kind of see, like, what. What does everyone need right now? Like, and you've generously volunteered to say, yeah, we could talk about it. And one of the things you. You said that you saw out there quite a bit is like, we all know so, so much. Like, we have read a ton of books, we have listened to a ton of workshops, we've listened to a lot of podcasts, we've been to therapy. And then the question is, like, how come I can't. I know all this stuff. How come I can't integrate it into my life with some level of regularity? And that was. When I heard you say that, I was like, yeah, that's it. I think that's what a lot of people are experiencing because it kind of creates insight, right? And insight with. The difference is, what's interesting is insight wakes us up. But practice actually is what makes the difference when we talk about our brain changing. All the neuroscience, that kind of stuff, positive neuroplasticity. That all happens with practice, not with insight. And there was this guy you might have heard of named David Foster Wallace. He. He did this, like, speak at Kenyon College. And it's a funny story of two fish kind of swimming in the sea. And the young fish and they. And an older fish kind of comes to them and says, like, hey, boys, how's the water? And they look at each other a little confused, and they continue on and they go, what the hell is water? And so, you know, right now we're living in this water of low grade, chronic stress that's happening. And parents, I think, feel it the most because it's not just the news that's coming in from, you know, and as we're recording this, there's a whole lot going on in the world right now. It's not just that. It's the moment I had when I was sitting, standing in my kitchen. And we have this area within our kitchen. I think everyone has something like this, which is called the corner of crap. And it's just kind of like where every. Everything lands. And it's also where I plug in my phone. And so I was sitting there and I was, you know, plugging away at returning some Amazon returns and also, like, figuring out how to transfer points for my credit card to my airline miles because we're going on this trip or whatever, that kind of thing. And I was sitting there just, like, overwhelmed with, like, juggling all this stuff. And my youngest son who, you know, tugged at my shirt and he's like, dad, you know, hey, I want to show you something. And I'm like, hold on a second. I'm in the middle of something. And I was just kind of like I was locked in. And if I. If I would have been aware of my body in that moment, you would have seen me like this, and probably something like this. And by the time I, like, kind of woke up to it and I turned, he was gone. And so I missed out on a moment that was far more important than whatever I was doing right then and there. And this is the thing about this, what I call this overwhelm loop that a lot of us live in right now. And I open up the tiny shifts with this chapter called the Culture of Overwhelm, explaining it to all of us, normalizing it, that it, it usurps our attention and our awareness about, like, really what matters in the moment. And, and when we do that with repetition. And everyone here knows, because people who are listening are parents or have been parents. And, and you know, time kind of goes by. Time comes and goes. Kids come and go. I mean, Elisa knows this personally right now. Yeah. And so, and so I'm making a

A (9:24)

sad face because I've got. I sent one off to college.

B (9:28)

Yep. Yep. For those who are listening. And, and so when you weave those together, those missed moments, it's substantial. And when we catch ourselves in this overwhelm loop, and I want everyone to listen to this right now because it's very important because this has to do with how we are with our kids. And it also has to do with how we are with ourselves as, as adults. When we allow ourselves to live in this low grade chronic stress, we're not in an acute stress moment where, like, we get hijacked just in that moment. What happens is we're kind of like hijacked over time and we have this kind of cortisol that kicks in and we're kind of living with it. And when we hear about, like, long life and health and longevity, and we want that as parents because we want to be there when our kids have kids and, you know, we want to be able to be active and play with them, you know, and this type of stuff. And if you think that you're just going to rely on your genes, if you have really good genes, that only accounts for like a quarter of our longevity and health span. Except for people who have, like, are way outliers, live like super long, their genes count for a little bit more. But still, what really accounts is our environment, which includes our relationships, our behaviors that we are engaging in in life and our stress and how we work with our stress. And so parenting is stressful. And part of it.

A (10:55)

Right.

B (10:55)

It's also beautiful and wonderful. And if we can interrupt, we can learn to interrupt the, that overwhelm loop a little bit more often and recover from that chronic stress. We'll be more available for these beautiful sacred moments. We'll have more memories around them and we'll be protecting our health Spanish for years to come. And I think that's the argument here. And we can do that in the ordinary moments of our everyday lives. We don't have to take a whole bunch of time out and do some big practice or, you know, anything like that. This is just like in our everyday moments. And that's the idea behind Tiny shifts, is that we can learn to make emotional pivots to support our stress resilience, to help us show up better in our relationships and also to improve our long term health and well being.

A (11:46)

And now for a quick break. Obviously we want all of our nutrients to come from food because that would be ideal. The truth is that there are kids who are just really picky eaters and so you need to make sure that they get all of their vitamins. That is just one thing that kind of can alleviate some of the stress that you feel from fighting over picky eating. So I like First Day multivitamins because it's one of the first brands with vitamins that are designed to sort of fit the nutrient gaps. First Day makes clean, science backed multivitamins for kids, teens and adults. So you don't have to worry about added sugar or artificial ingredients. There's no fake dyes. And within just two gummies a day, you get to boost nutrition. They have nine essential vitamins and a superfood blend of 12 organic fruits and veggies. First day's vitamins have more folate than one and a half cups of spinach. And obviously if you can get those one and a half cups of spinach into your kids bodies and yours, fantastic. But chances are if you've got a picky eater, you're not. It's tested for 200 plus toxins. First day is trusted by over 1 million families and kids and teens. Multis are the number one and number two children's vitamins at Target. For a limited time only, our listeners are getting an awesome deal. Use the Code humans to get 57% off@firstday.com that's up to 57% off and a free gift with the code humans@firstday.com after you purchase they'll ask you where you heard about them and you can just let them know So I want to tell you about Experian because it really can take the pain in the butt out of canceling subscriptions. They just handle it for you. They keep the ones you want. They put money back in your pocket for the ones that you didn't even realize you were still subscribe to. Over 200 subscriptions are cancelable or negotiable. And also you can save money by letting Experian negotiate your best rate for the subscriptions that you do have. They'll keep an eye out for new deals and savings opportunities. And they negotiate directly with your provider on your behalf, and you get to keep 100% of your savings. The other thing that Experian just did for me very recently was I wanted to freeze my credit, like, make it so nobody could try to steal my identity and get new credit or credit cards or whatever. Anyway, all that stuff is such a pain. But Experian deals with it and it just, it's more ways that you can keep your profile organized, that you can make sure that you're not paying for things that you don't mean to be paying for. And it organizes it in a way that just saves you so much time and, and frankly, energy that you don't need to waste on this stuff. So get started with the Experian app. Now, results will vary. Not all bills or subscriptions are eligible. Savings is not guaranteed. Paid membership with connected payment account is required. See experian.com for details. So given that, can you give us a few? Because I think a lot of people just last night I was at a school and a parent said, if you could pick one skill to help grow in our kids, what would that be? Which is a hard question to answer, except that I was like, self regulation. Like that's. And. And how did. But then how did they get that skill? Parents co regulation. So can you talk to us about some concrete ways that we can integrate into our daily lives? Like just a few concrete practices that can sort of change our nervous systems. And part two of it is you just mentioned emotional pivoting in the. So the first part is the tiny practices in our everyday lives when we're doing great, you know, like it's just a normal part of the day. But then I also want a couple of the practices for when we were like, not doing great. And we don't want, we want to change that. We don't want to react the way we're reacting. So practice. And then in the moment.

B (16:22)

Okay, so first of all, if you're doing great, have it and enjoy it. You know, I think it's certainly worth recognizing, like, okay, hey, this is a good moment. And in life, there's good moments. I'm going to take a mom and take a moment to savor that. And I have actually a little acronym around sa. Savor is a common word that, that we use about, like, savor the moment. But savor from an emotional perspective, I, I kind of play with the acronym around that. And the S stands for spot. Spot the emotion. Is there a moment of relief? Is there a moment of ease? Is there a moment of joy? Is there a moment of connection? Is there a moment of humor? Is there, you know, what's spot that moment? Because those moments get, you know, peeled over or looked over by our brain. Everyone here knows because of the negativity bias, but we don't. We don't spot them quite as often. And our brain works off memory. So I mean, perceiving the moment, an immediate precipitating event, will influence how you perceive the next moment. Perception isn't aren't facts, but our mood influences that. So we spot it to support the memory. We acknowledge the feeling. Spotting is like, hey, there's a good moment. We acknowledge the feeling. We get a little more granular. There's like, relief here. There's ease here. There's enjoyment here. There's. So I'm just kind of touching on this one first, since you mentioned it, because I'm sort of a fan of, of that. Then we do V is to vitalize the moment. What does vitalize the moment mean? Take a breath in and allow it to, like, expand a little bit. Like, take a breath in, vitalize the moment. Bring, like, some aliveness into the moment. Like, so you're spotting, you're spotting, you're acknowledging the feeling, making a little more granular, if you can. You're vitalizing it with a. Taking a breath in, kind of like, there it is. And you're owning it as part of your identity. In my life too, I also have these really wonderful moments. It's not all like, stress and hard, you know, difficulty and, you know, this. There's like, good things that are. I can feel this right now. So you're owning it as part of your identity, and that reinforces the memory. That's the ring. So spot, acknowledge, vitalize, own, reinforce. And that spells savor. And so, so we, we take an opportunity to embed that sort of tag the memory of it so it's more memorable for next time. And it, like, lives in us a little bit more I'll just say this for parenting, why that's so important for parenting. I don't know if you've had the Gottmans on here or not, but the. But. Okay, so got John Gottman.

A (18:51)

I haven't had the Gottmans on. I don't know why.

B (18:54)

There's always something to look forward to. Yeah. So. So here we are. So. So he had this great ratio that he came with through his, his research years ago, that five to one ratio of, you know, five kind of positive emotional experiences to one negative emotional experience to kind of balance things out. That's because of the negativity bias. But he found that in his research, there's also correlational stuff with other research that shows something similar in the corporate world. I sometimes think about my, my teenagers and, and think about, hmm, having that, having that 5 to 1 ratio wake me up to kind of figure out, like, is there a way we can kind of play together? What's our mutual sense of play? And so opens me up to kind of thinking about that. For those who don't know, I have three spirited boys. And, and so, yeah, and so we, we want to kind of, we want to, we want to kind of play with. Savoring to increase that. Okay, so with the difficult moments, this is, this is where we get really practical. Your, your kid dysregulates in some way. They don't want to go to bed at night, or it's a teenager who's not. You've asked 30 times, download the dishwasher, and they keep saying, yeah, I'll get to it. And, and so you get frustrated because, you know, you're nagging, you know, you're wanting. In the first scenario, you know, you're just kind of wanting to rest because you've been at it all day and you want your child to go to sleep. And the second scenario is you've, you know, if you, how many times can you follow up? I know, I know both of these scenarios intimately. And, and so you. The first thing that we know from the world's wisdom traditions for thousands of years, by the way, as well as current modern psychology, as well as neuroscience, is very simple, something that everyone here is familiar with. But again, I want to remind you as you're hearing this, that insight, cognitive knowledge is different than practice. Practice is what creates change. So we want to make it simple, tiny shifts. And so the first thing is we just recognize it. Like, we, we recognize the feeling that's there, we recognize the loop. And you can make it humorous like this is the frustration loop. This is the oh my God, I can't believe my kid won't empty the dishwasher loop or oh my God, my kid won't go to bed again loop. Because the idea of naming and labeling and noticing gives you a little bit of space from it. That's the kind of classic mindfulness. But when you mix it with emotional intelligence, you're adding in the emotional piece, which is around being clear about how you're feeling. And then what we want to do, and this is what most people miss in this particular practice, is we have to realize that emotions are biology. So as parents, we have all kinds of parents and humans and our kids as well. We have all kinds of feelings that come up for us through the day in relationship with the work we're doing, the parenting we're doing. And our emotions are physiological. So we're having a physiological response in, let's say, both of those scenarios I just gave basically to make it simple. It's really the fight flight, freeze response. Our body, our body starts to get tense and our heart rate goes up and cortisol starts flushing. And when we get that low grade cortisol over time creates inflammation. We have other associations with that too. But in that moment we have to redress that. So in order to have the cognitive capacity to make a decision on how we want to relate to our kids or even ask ourselves, how is my kid feeling right now? My kid's tantruming or having a difficult, you know, they're clearly hurting inside. Even to have that cognitive awareness, we have to release a little bit. So what does that mean? That means notice where your body's holding like we did in the beginning of this practice. Notice where your body's holding tension, whether it's in your neck, your shoulders, your back, your stomach. And just like we did in the beginning of this episode. And see if you can take a breath and in your mind as you exhale, just kind of say release. And one of my favorite practices for me, and there's a, you know, something behind it, is that when you breathe, I hold a lot in my shoulders. I hold just. I don't know, my shoulders come up. And so when you breathe in, same a lot of people, right? When you breathe in, your shoulders rise a little bit. Try it out for yourself. And when you breathe out. Yeah, yeah, that's because. And that just says like, hey, I'm a little tired. That's good. Good to be aware of. And so our shoulders fall. And when your shoulders fall, check out what Happens your muscles elongate a little bit, which sends a signal to your brain that I'm safe right now. And the reason we react, you know, let's say to our kids, we snap or we say things we wish we hadn't or these different things, is our brain feels like there's a threat there. Maybe it's a threat to your self worth, maybe it's a threat to your identity as a parent, of how you think you should be in some way. But we, we react. And so when we loosen our muscles, this is the release stage. Recognize, release. We send a signal to our brain that we're safe. We have, we're safe enough even to exhale in the moment. And, and that's very important for doing this next thing. Cause you wanted to get very practical here. So the model that I work with, that I've kind of been working with and kind of forming over the last couple decades, is just something simple because we want to be able to remember, right? Because we're living in this state of overwhelm a lot of the time, even though we don't. It's the water we're swimming in. Recognize, release, refocus, reinforce. That's the model. Recognize, release, refocus, reinforce, recognize helps us get that space. It's not enough. Typically we need to release the somatic reaction that's happening that allows us to send those safety signals to our brain. Also kind of allows us a little bit more space to do the next thing. The release piece is what most of us miss. We think if we can name something and label it, we can just redirect our attention and make a good decision. Or we can, if we name something and label it, we can ask ourselves like, well, how's my kid feeling right now? I want to be able to co regulate and connect with him or her, that kind of thing. But if we don't release, oftentimes we get hooked back into what I call a slippery loop. The slippery loop is when we fall into, let's say, I'm frustrated. I tried to work with my kid, they snap back at me. Then we go into this, we get back, we get hooked back into that frustration loop. Or maybe we go into one of the quickest loops that gets us as parents or in general is the shame loop. What's wrong with me? I'm so bad as a parent. Other parents are so much better than me. Lisa's nodding. She has, she has, she probably has some awareness of this. But you've worked with so many parents that we know that this is so common. We all have this. By the way, if you're listening or

A (25:53)

watching, I have it. And I feel like I'm extra self compassionate about my parenting, like to a fault. But I still go in those shame loops.

B (26:03)

Yeah, we, we all do. Me too. Yeah, it's, it's kind of part of being human. And it's an invitation for us too, to do this type of ordinary moment work, to wake up to our own vulnerability. I mean, I know for myself, like that kind of like self worth not good enough type of thing is a button of mine that stemmed from when my parents were divorced. And I remember watching my mom kind of walk out the door because she made decisions that were, that she needed to make, you know, at the time. And I remember looking at that, looking at that, and kids like absorb. I didn't go around thinking like, well, I'm not, I'm not worthy, I don't deserve her love or something like that. But kids absorb that energy. The energy was, am I not good enough to stay for? Yeah. And so that then was this little button that kind of stayed with me. And so for those who are parents who have been divorced or anything like that, they're thinking right now like, oh my God, what did I do to my kid? Did I plant some kind of unworthiness bug? And them, you know, this is their journey and for me it's become an invitation to learn how to love myself and to be able to receive that from other people. And yeah, so that's been also really sacred, in some ways invaluable.

A (27:26)

And now for a quick break. A Seat at Every Table is a nationwide initiative from the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics, which is a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving health through food nutrition. It recognizes how often nutrition decisions show up in real life, at home, at work, in the doctor's office, and around the family table. And why credentialed experts should be part of those moments. Most people are not lacking nutrition advice. They're actually overwhelmed by it. One day carbs are the enemy, the next, it's seed oils, fasting supplements, or whatever is trending in your feed. Add AI tools and well meaning friends to the mix and it becomes hard to know what's actually grounded in science. That's where nutrition and dietetics professionals come in. They're trained, credentialed experts who help make sense of all that noise. Their role isn't to push trends or quick fixes. It's to bring evidence backed guidance and translate nutrition science into realistic meal ideas. Grocery tips and changes you can act, actually maintain, because nutrition is not one size fits all. Given the state of the absolute nonsense that's out there about nutrition, I'm very grateful for the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics. So if you want to stop guessing about nutrition, connect with a nutrition and dietetics professional for expert personalized guidance that works for you. Visit eatright.org everytable to learn more and find Nutrition and Dietetics professional. All right, so this episode is brought to you in part by Pocket Hose, which is the world's number one expandable hose. You know, if you're a hosing kind of person, old fashioned hoses get kinks and creases at the spigot. But the Copperhead's pocket pivot swivels 360 degrees for full water flow with Pocket Hose and there's freedom to water with ease all around your garden. And when you're all finished, this rust proof anti burst hose shrinks back down to pocket size for effortless handling and tidy storage. Because who wants a giant hose that gets like dusty and tangled in your garden and it's super light and ultra durable. The Pocket Hose Copperhead is backed with a 10 year warranty and the brand new Pocket Hose Copperhead with Pocket Pivot is a total game changer. For a limited time, my listeners can get a free Pocket Pivot and their 10 pattern sprayer with the purchase of any size copper head hose. Just Text humans to 64,000 then that's humans to the number 64,000 for your two free gifts with purchase humans to 64,000 message and data rates may apply. So definitely see Terms for details. I mean I'm divorced and I do try very hard not to ascribe the future pain and experience that my kids are going to have to what what I did when we got divorced. And also I'm pretty sure they're going to have to, you know, like this is a part of being a person. Whatever things happen, whether they were on purpose or very much unintentional, that's that our kids hopefully they get to talk to us about it in real time and maybe process it a little bit more presently. But we're going to mess up a lot. And so having just to go back to sort of knowing what those wounds come, where those wounds come from, and then being able to name in that moment and then being able to take space to release before you go on to that next step.

B (31:31)

So we have the recognize, we have the release and the next R is a refocus. So you're there, you're activated, you're frustrated, you're infuriated, you're sad, or you're being super self critical. So you're falling into kind of a shame loop. You're recognizing that that's kind of the first. The idea here is just interrupt it. Make it really simple. Just interrupt it. Know. Know what your know what your loops are. Get to know what your loops are. Just interrupt. Even you just say like I'm looping as a general thing initially, like just the idea is just to interrupt it so you can begin to recover. Then you release, you drop. Yeah, go ahead.

A (32:06)

I just would like to interrupt by saying instead of, instead of saying triggered because triggered so annoying. I really like looping the end. That's all. I just wanted to throw that out there for the zeitgeist.

B (32:23)

Nice. So yeah, looping. And that's the. So getting us used to using that languaging. And then we release the activation. We drop our shoulders, we slow our exhale, we unclench our jaw. Whatever that is that widens this space so we can do this next thing. And all the things we were talking about a second ago around like our, we might have certain buttons that we're aware of because we've done therapy or we've done, we've read books and we've uncovered awareness about ourself that's that can come in this next stage of refocus, recognize, release, refocus. So the refocus is an opportunity now to steer your mind in a different direction. So rather than like, you know, our minds, like is no different than, I mean artificial intelligence is kind of built after how we work. So you ask it a question, it gives you an answer. You ask yourself, you know, what's wrong with me or what, why am I such a terrible parent? Or how come my kid doesn't say I love you anymore to me? They're a teenager. How come my kids didn't say I love you anymore to me? They must not love me. You know, something like that. And your brain will come up with all kinds of answers. Now if you're in this place where you've recognized release, you now have more blood flow to your prefrontal region and you have more just wherewithal, more emotional capacity to steer in a different direction. And one thing we can do, we can take a leaf of how we're working with ChatGPT and Claude and whatever and we can just ask ourselves a different question to Claude, please, Claude. Yeah, so we can, we can. Okay, okay. You stare in that direction. Okay, we're noting your preference. And so, uh, and so we just ask a different question and your, our brain will search for those answers. So we might ask ourselves something like, okay, the classic self compassion question. What, what do I need right now? What will be most supportive to me right now? Is there a different way? I can see this, right? If we're not that activated, we can kind of work with a little bit around reframing. We can even ask ourselves in that question that this is the time to say, what is my, how's my kid feeling right now? What does my kid need right now? Is there a different way? I can see maybe he's not, he or she is not just tantruming. Maybe there's something going on underneath that. We wouldn't have had the wherewithal to do that had we just said like, I'm, you know, I'm just feeling frustrated. You know, that's just not. We don't have enough capacity from that. We need to recognize, release a little bit again, redress that sympathetic nervous activation, nervous system activation so that we can have more emotional capacity. So then we can ask this question now with that said, because of all the work we might have done, because of all the Raising Good Humans podcast episodes you've listened to, because of, you know, reading Elise's book, the, the you might have already know something about what's happening. So now you can just kind of recall on, you can recall and draw on that wisdom that already lives inside of you. Now what's the difference between that and just like having cognitive insight now you're practicing something because now you know that it's important for me to look at the person in front of me and see that there might be something, when we peel the layer back, there might be something that's going on with my kid right now and I can maybe drop into a state of compassion or empathy or kind of see it differently. I'll give you an example. So a great example. So I was interviewing this woman and she had teenagers, teenage boys, and she at one point like her kids, just one of her kids just stopped saying I love you. Like, you know, and yeah, and so she was at first like, what did I do wrong? You know, is this, is it? Did I, you know, did I harm him? Did I do you know, is there something, he's mad at me about something. And then she came to just kind of like recognize that loop that was happening, that self critical loop that was happening. She like kind of paused and just to kind of release that she even saw in her mind. She took a breath and kind of saw her thoughts, that kind of loop, kind of going out on her exhale a little bit. And she would literally stand at the edge of the. A closed door because the door was closed, and like, initially kind of try and have conversations with her son. But then she realized she had a different question that she asked herself. What. What if. What I can do right now is just continue to love him and not worry about receiving that right now so much, But. But more about just continuing to be there for him and love him and. And allow that to be the nurturance. And she. She felt lighter, she felt more grounded as a result of that question. And that was a. A tiny shift that she made that supported her through the years to come. Now our kids are a little older and things have changed, but that's like an example of that. I'll give you another example. When my kids were younger, and some of you with young kids can resonate with this, it was a struggle to put them to bed. And I, you know, I had a long day. And sometimes, you know, I would really feel like, God, you know, that Who. Who is it that wrote that book? You know, and this is a podcast. You could say that, like, go to fuck. Go the fuck to sleep or something like that.

A (37:37)

Oh, yeah, Remember that?

B (37:39)

Like, because that. The reason that book was so huge was because we got it.

A (37:42)

We all got it.

B (37:43)

Yeah, we all got it. Like, you were, you're tired, you want your kids to go to bed, you want it to be a sweet bedtime, but it doesn't, you know, what. What you want and what you get are two different things sometimes. And so, you know, and expectations lead to frustration. And so, so there I was kind of frustrated and tense. And there's something. Something I learned a long time ago about this. And I've been using this in my life for quite some time. And so I. I could recognize that frustration loop, the wishing my kids would go to sleep already loop, you know, and so I was looping, right? So then I would notice my body was tied up in knots. And so I would. I would just kind of like, pause. I would. I would soften my body, loosen a little bit. And by the way, loosening, releasing, sometimes you need to stretch it out, sometimes you need to shake it out. There's a variety of ways to release a whole chapter on this. And. And then. But those are some examples. And then I asked myself the question, like, okay, so again, coming back to, like, what would be supportive to Me, like, what do I, what, what would be supportive to me right now? I just need to like, have a bit more ease in my body. I just need a little bit more calm. Like, that would be nice if I could like have that. And so, and then I asked myself, because I had the wherewithal, like, what are my kids? What would be good? What would I like my kids to have? What do they need right now? And I said it would be the same. So I, I played on a little loving kindness practice for those of you who are. Many people are familiar with that. That's like this idea of kind of

A (39:08)

some might not be. So I'd love some if you're not too.

B (39:10)

It's just kind of like sending it like words of intentions, like writing a greeting card to somebody, maybe happy, healthy, safe and protected. But for me it was around ease and calm. So first I started with myself in my mind as they're kind of doing their thing. I'm saying, okay, man, I, I, you can't just give yourself ease and calm. That's just not how that works. You can't just be grounded and calm because you think you want to be. That's just anybody. That's a setup for a whole shame loop to come in because you know it's wrong with me. How come I can't be this way? Their parents are all like this. So, so I said, may I find ease in this moment. May I find calm in this moment. And then I thought about my kids and like, you too. You find ease, may you find calm. I'm, I'm redirecting my mind instead of like, I, I gotta get to bed, they gotta get to sleep. Why won't they get to bed? Or a, which is creating stress and frustration in a different direction. Wherever our focus goes, by the way, we invite an energy to flow. Great quote. Neuroscientists say, and that's the way the brain grows. And so I'm shifting the direction of the way that my, my focus is and it's creating a different feeling in me and, and I'm shifting it outside of myself because when we're, by the way, when we are caught in an emotional loop, when we're frustrated, stressed, afraid, shame, it's all about me. The brain goes into self referencing mode. What does this have to do with me? I'm a bad parent, or I can't handle this, or you know, when we're, when we tend to feel well, it tends to be about another person. In psychology, that's called attribution theory. We attribute it outside of ourselves when we feel well, we attribute it to ourselves when we don't feel as well. And so in that moment, I'm kind of teasing my mind to go outside of myself by saying, may you also feel more ease and calm and my body's starting to kind of relax a little bit and taking some breaths.

A (41:00)

And now for a quick break. A lot of parents say I didn't plan on formula. But about 74% of families turn to formula at some point on their feeding journey. And as a new parent, you're already tired and nervous and having to decode ingredients lists or trust brands without transparency is a lot. So I love the idea that Little Spoon is making sure that parents shouldn't have to bend over backwards to understand what they're feeding their child. Little Spoon is explicit about what's in their organic grass fed whole milk infant formula. So they totally support breastfeeding and also bottle feeding breast milk and also formula feeding. So you do what's right for you. But their organic grass fed whole milk infant formula is transparent about how it's safety test and they publish their testing results right on their site. And once you're through the formula stage, you know that Little Spoon also is built to be a feeding partner from day one with expert crafted recipes for babies, toddlers and big kids. And it's pediatrician backed and the nutrition for every stage is right there for you and delivered to your door and gives you peace of mind a little bit less stress. So if formula is part of your feeding journey right now and again, whatever your feeding journey is, that is your journey. Little Spoon makes that choice feel a little less heavy. Their organic grass fed whole milk infant formula is a complete nutrition recipe modeled after breast milk and everything is Openly shared on littlespoon.com from sourcing ingredients to safety testing. Try Little Spoon formula with their two can trial pack. Buy one, get one free. That's $30 for two cans. One that's littlespoon.com tryformula that's L I T T L E S P O-O-N.com

B (42:53)

tryformula and then I think about, and this is the, this is the kicker. Then I think about all the other parents in my neighborhood. So this is my refocus. Remember, recognize, release, refocus. I think about all the other parents in my neighborhood who are experiencing probably something very similar right now. It's not just about me. So what am I doing? I'm teasing this out of the self referencing right now and normalizing this for myself. So it's like watering debts, like pouring salt in a tiny glass versus salt in a lake not quite as salty. So I'm expanding it outside of myself, and I say, may we all feel more ease and calm in the midst of all this right now? And my body's kind of, like, settling a little bit more in this moment. Now, the part that I didn't know about until recently was this fourth R, and this one's very important. And again, something most people miss and why things don't stick for people most of the time. The fourth R is about reinforce. We want to reinforce this memory that we're having. If we have been able to make a shift within ourselves. Remember, we're not looking for anything like major. Like some major transformation in the moment. We just want some form of recovery. That's what we want. So if you're able to recover a little bit. So let's say you feel some relief. Let's say you feel a little bit more ease. Let's say you feel enjoyment. Let's say you've had a different type of perspective that's come to you. It's not just about me, my kid. Whatever it is, then we reinforce it. And we reinforce it by doing something that in neuroscience, we call emotional tagging. So what's that? That is taking a moment just to acknowledge the shift that's happened, the difference in how you feel physically and in your mind. And this is one of my favorite ways to do it. You literally can kind of close your eyes and take a snapshot, and you see the picture of it. You see the picture of the shift that's happened that moment, and your brain now has created a memory that it can draw on in a similar context, and therefore, you're reinforcing the experience.

A (44:58)

I love that snapshot so much. I've never done that. I'm so excited to do that. That's so good. It's just so. Because you're right. What do we do with all this work? To reinforce it is such a. And to reinforce it is one thing, but to know a concrete way to reinforce it with this. Close your eyes, take a snapshot. We can all do that. That's so helpful. Selfishly, I want to end with a short practice, because for me, there are just. There's just nothing like having that in real time with you. So I'm taking full advantage. Is that fair? Probably not. But I'm. I'm offering it as a gift to other people while selfishly taking it as a gift to me.

B (45:54)

I'll Say this as a preface. Preface. I have three short guided practices that I give to people that are. If they go to my website, elishagoldstein.com, they'll get this tiny shifts bundle that's free that comes with three short guided audio practices. So if you want to kind of play with those, feel free to go check those out and we can, we can go ahead and do this. So I'm going to do this one because it's so practical. You may have done something like it before I've even mentioned it on this podcast, but it's something that you can do again in the ordinary moments of your life, whether you're in your own corner. Yeah, you could be in your own corner. Crap, you could be, you know, in your car. Doesn't matter. It could be a moment after you've been activated with your kid. So we recognize that. And then this practice, I'm going to say what it is and then we'll do it. We'll start with just a very brief body awareness practice. And then we'll just do this practice where we're kind of breathing in for the count of four, breathing out for the count of six, or you don't even have to breathe out for the count of six, just a little bit longer exhale, that's all. So you're welcome to have your eyes open or closed. It's perfectly fine. Taking a moment again just to be aware of your body and noticing, again, just a gentle scan of being aware. If there's any areas of your body where you're noticing any, any holding, any tension and including your face, because that's often a place that we're, we don't bring our awareness to. If you do notice anything, see if you can allow that to soften just a little bit. And if there's areas that are kind of chronically holding, see if you can soften around them. And then breathe in through your nose the count of four. And then breathe out just a slightly longer exhale. And do that about five times. And on the next exhale, just seeing and being aware of how your shoulders slightly fall. And check in with your body once again noticing how you're feeling and also I would say acknowledging yourself for creating the space and time to even do this practice at all. This is an act of self care and as parents we could use that continuously.

A (49:03)

I feel like these are those small moments where you realize how much can shift with just a minute of this. It's really wild.

B (49:20)

An important thing to take into mind here is That I love that it

A (49:26)

feels like in a way very similar to the rupture and repair that we go through. These are baby repairs.

B (49:39)

Yeah. And I intentionally didn't like on this episode, didn't kind of go into repair so much because I know how much you speak to it and other people speak to it and how you know. So I. But. But it's the same idea. And I'll just say this. In chapter 11 of Tiny Shifts, I talk about relationship and so in there we talk about repair. I even mentioned you. I think there it slightly and not going into a full story. Full story. That was part of your life. But kind of mentoring. Something you said about that.

A (50:10)

Because I was so. I was too concerned about my child.

B (50:15)

I made sure to kind of. Yeah. Just make it so it. It was all kosher and. Yeah. And that's right. That's right. How important that is. Repair with ourselves, repair with our kids. And if we can recognize release, we have more chance to refocus in a way that's going to support that repair.

A (50:32)

Beautiful. Thank you so much. I won't stay this way, but for right this very moment, I am feeling pretty given the world is on fire, pretty darn chill. I hope you'll take some of the feeling that you have from the tiny shifts we've made just during this episode and carry it into your week. And don't forget to sign up for drlisapressman.substack.com my free newsletter. And if you're still here, maybe just throw in a little nice review in Apple podcasts and give it a five star rating so we can spread this podcast and put this content out in the world. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.