Raising Good Humans | "The 7 Conversations to Have with Your Kid Before They Get a Device"

Host: Dr. Aliza Pressman
Guest: Dr. Jean Twenge
Date: January 23, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode features Dr. Jean Twenge, Professor of Psychology at San Diego State University and author of 10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High Tech World. Together with host and developmental psychologist Dr. Aliza Pressman, they discuss the essential conversations and rules parents should have before their child receives any kind of digital device—regardless of age. The conversation is empathetic, practical, and filled with both evidence-based recommendations and real-life parenting experiences.

Key Topics & Insights

1. Why Conversations (and Rules) Matter

• The episode distinguishes between rules (practical boundaries) and conversations (values, information, and context shared with kids).
• Dr. Pressman emphasizes, "You need to take into account your own household...you know your kids and their capacity and your capacity. And that is a huge factor that cannot be replicated in studies..." (01:10)

2. The Seven Conversations to Have Before Giving a Device

1. Never Send Nudes

• Essential to explicitly state with children—don’t assume they know.
• Dr. Twenge: “Snapchat receives 10,000 reports of sextortion a month.” (03:16)
• Risks aren’t just from friends—often blackmailers are involved.

2. What You Post is Public

• "Don’t post anything on social media or online that you wouldn’t want announced on a loudspeaker at school.” (04:06)
• Privacy is an illusion—screenshots and other technology make anything sharable.

3. Don't Share Identifying Info Online or in Games

• Children often underestimate the risks of sharing things like address, birthday, or even seemingly innocuous personal details.
• "If someone can get your name, your birthday, and your Social Security number, they can steal your identity." (05:06)

4. Assume All Texts and Snaps are Public

• “Texts...can be screenshotted and end up going anywhere...especially true for kids if they have a falling out with a friend.” (05:25-05:48)
• Caution against thinking digital messages are private—as opposed to, say, a diary.

5. Never Post or Send Anything Mean

• “Think twice and three times before you post anything mean and then don’t do it.” (06:14)
• Inhibitions are lower online; what’s said digitally lingers and can escalate interpersonal conflict.

6. If You’re Curious About Sex or Bodies, Ask a Trusted Adult First

• Open invitation to discuss uncomfortable topics: “If you’re curious about bodies or sex, ask me first. Or we can look it up together.” (07:24)
• The internet may present frightening or disturbing results to innocent questions.

7. Time is Precious—Prioritize Real Life

• “What are you going to remember from your teen years? The hours you spent playing Block Blast or the times you spent with your friends in person?” (12:45)
• Encourage critical reflection about time spent online vs. offline.

3. Setting Household Device Rules

Most Critical Rule: No Devices in Bedrooms Overnight

• "If you only have the bandwidth for one, do that one. The research on it is super clear." (13:54)
• Sleep is highly impacted by devices; kids lack the self-control to avoid late-night use.

On Consistency and Pushback

• Clear, meaningful rules hold up better than “silly,” overly granular ones.
• “If we get too granular about them...then we lose credibility. But when they're like, no, these actually really make a difference and matter, it's easier to follow them.” (17:31)

First Phones Should Be Basic

• “So for very young kids, get them a flip phone, then they can call you. They can't do anything else on it.” (18:25-20:18)
• Smartwatches may be more problematic than helpful for young children.

No Social Media Until Age 16 or Later

• There is no magic age, but data show risks diminish after age 16.
• “There are a few studies...and those suggest 16 or later for smartphones. Same thing with social media. The link between social media and say low life satisfaction or depression is stronger at those younger ages and weaker after age 16.” (28:28)
• "Sixteen is also when we trust kids to drive. There's a ton of maturity that happens between 13...and 16." (28:28-29:17)
• Tying the phone to getting a driver's license can incentivize both independence and responsibility.

Tech-Free Zones & Times

• Family meals should be device-free—including for parents.
• Addressing hypocrisy: “If you don't want your kids to be on their phone during dinner, you shouldn't be either.” (33:35)

4. Dealing With Resistance and Revising Mistakes

Expect Teen Pushback

• “It's kind of teen's job to push back. That's what they're doing.” (34:07)
• The “everyone else is doing it” argument is as old as parenting. Parental confidence in setting different standards is crucial.

Adjusting Rules If You’ve Already Relented

• “I made mistakes. I absolutely made mistakes...But you can...put the genie back in the bottle. It can be done.” (36:13)
• Practical advice for walking back permissive tech rules, even if it results in temporary anger.

The Value of Repair Over Perfection

• “Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Do the good that you can. And yeah, you're gonna mess up. I certainly did. But learn from those mistakes and move forward.” (39:24)

Parental Influence Still Matters

• “When we keep saying that the outside world needs to sort of regulate this to the point where it won't be our burden, I think it actually takes away the major amount of influence we have with our kids.” (40:59)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On explicit digital safety:
  “No, you need to say it. Kids have crushes and they don't always realize or process that, oh, I'm just sending this to my friend. Well, once you do that, it can go anywhere.” (03:15, Twenge)

• On leading by example:
  “Adults are allowed a certain amount of what I call digital hypocrisy...but if you don't want your kids to be on their phone during dinner, you shouldn't be either.” (33:35, Twenge)

• On habit-building:
  “You have to instill those good habits, and then hopefully it's become rote for her to not be on her phone in the middle of the night. I hope you bought her an alarm clock too.” (14:21, Pressman)

• On tech as 'freedom' versus isolation:
  “My 15 year old would be one of those kids if it wasn't for the incentive of getting a smartphone. My oldest was right there. She would have done it no matter what. But yeah, kids are different.” (31:10, Twenge)

• On room for change:
  “You can dial some things back and then you can also just do your best going forward. Just don't give up. It is too important.” (40:43, Twenge)

• On social pressure and real friendship:
  "If there's someone who will not communicate with you unless you're on a specific platform. They're not really your friend." (41:28, unnamed 18-year-old, quoted by Twenge)

Timestamps for Major Segments

• Opening context & framing (Dr. Pressman): 00:10 – 02:51
• The 7 essential conversations: 02:51 – 12:44
• Most important device rule (no devices in bedrooms): 13:54 – 16:34
• Handling resistance and practical rule-setting: 16:34 – 18:25
• First phones and why dumb phones > smartphones: 18:25 – 22:37
• Social media readiness & age guidelines: 25:46 – 31:28
• Tech-free family time & parental hypocrisy: 33:35 – 34:31
• Pushing back against "everyone else is doing it": 34:31 – 36:13
• Reversing bad habits & role of parental influence: 36:13 – end

Final Takeaways

This episode is a mixture of research-driven rules, compassionate understanding, and actionable conversations for modern parents navigating the digital world. Dr. Twenge and Dr. Pressman encourage parents to set clear, realistic boundaries, have open, age-appropriate discussions, and not to fear “course-correction” or pushback—from teens or the culture at large.

Above all: Setting thoughtful expectations and having real conversations matter far more than being perfect or tech-phobic. Don’t let “perfect” become the enemy of “good”.

For more resources, join Dr. Aliza Pressman’s Substack and parent group, or check out Dr. Twenge's book, 10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High Tech World.