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The 7 Conversations to Have with Your Kid Before They Get a Device w/ Dr. Jean Twenge

Raising Good Humans

Fri Jan 23 2026

Summary

Raising Good Humans | "The 7 Conversations to Have with Your Kid Before They Get a Device"

Host: Dr. Aliza Pressman
Guest: Dr. Jean Twenge
Date: January 23, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode features Dr. Jean Twenge, Professor of Psychology at San Diego State University and author of 10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High Tech World. Together with host and developmental psychologist Dr. Aliza Pressman, they discuss the essential conversations and rules parents should have before their child receives any kind of digital device—regardless of age. The conversation is empathetic, practical, and filled with both evidence-based recommendations and real-life parenting experiences.

Key Topics & Insights

1. Why Conversations (and Rules) Matter

The episode distinguishes between rules (practical boundaries) and conversations (values, information, and context shared with kids).
Dr. Pressman emphasizes, "You need to take into account your own household...you know your kids and their capacity and your capacity. And that is a huge factor that cannot be replicated in studies..." (01:10)

2. The Seven Conversations to Have Before Giving a Device

1. Never Send Nudes

Essential to explicitly state with children—don’t assume they know.
Dr. Twenge: “Snapchat receives 10,000 reports of sextortion a month.” (03:16)
Risks aren’t just from friends—often blackmailers are involved.

2. What You Post is Public

"Don’t post anything on social media or online that you wouldn’t want announced on a loudspeaker at school.” (04:06)
Privacy is an illusion—screenshots and other technology make anything sharable.

3. Don't Share Identifying Info Online or in Games

Children often underestimate the risks of sharing things like address, birthday, or even seemingly innocuous personal details.
"If someone can get your name, your birthday, and your Social Security number, they can steal your identity." (05:06)

4. Assume All Texts and Snaps are Public

“Texts...can be screenshotted and end up going anywhere...especially true for kids if they have a falling out with a friend.” (05:25-05:48)
Caution against thinking digital messages are private—as opposed to, say, a diary.

5. Never Post or Send Anything Mean

“Think twice and three times before you post anything mean and then don’t do it.” (06:14)
Inhibitions are lower online; what’s said digitally lingers and can escalate interpersonal conflict.

6. If You’re Curious About Sex or Bodies, Ask a Trusted Adult First

Open invitation to discuss uncomfortable topics: “If you’re curious about bodies or sex, ask me first. Or we can look it up together.” (07:24)
The internet may present frightening or disturbing results to innocent questions.

7. Time is Precious—Prioritize Real Life

“What are you going to remember from your teen years? The hours you spent playing Block Blast or the times you spent with your friends in person?” (12:45)
Encourage critical reflection about time spent online vs. offline.

3. Setting Household Device Rules

Most Critical Rule: No Devices in Bedrooms Overnight

"If you only have the bandwidth for one, do that one. The research on it is super clear." (13:54)
Sleep is highly impacted by devices; kids lack the self-control to avoid late-night use.

On Consistency and Pushback

Clear, meaningful rules hold up better than “silly,” overly granular ones.
“If we get too granular about them...then we lose credibility. But when they're like, no, these actually really make a difference and matter, it's easier to follow them.” (17:31)

First Phones Should Be Basic

“So for very young kids, get them a flip phone, then they can call you. They can't do anything else on it.” (18:25-20:18)
Smartwatches may be more problematic than helpful for young children.

No Social Media Until Age 16 or Later

There is no magic age, but data show risks diminish after age 16.
“There are a few studies...and those suggest 16 or later for smartphones. Same thing with social media. The link between social media and say low life satisfaction or depression is stronger at those younger ages and weaker after age 16.” (28:28)
"Sixteen is also when we trust kids to drive. There's a ton of maturity that happens between 13...and 16." (28:28-29:17)
Tying the phone to getting a driver's license can incentivize both independence and responsibility.

Tech-Free Zones & Times

Family meals should be device-free—including for parents.
Addressing hypocrisy: “If you don't want your kids to be on their phone during dinner, you shouldn't be either.” (33:35)

4. Dealing With Resistance and Revising Mistakes

Expect Teen Pushback

“It's kind of teen's job to push back. That's what they're doing.” (34:07)
The “everyone else is doing it” argument is as old as parenting. Parental confidence in setting different standards is crucial.

Adjusting Rules If You’ve Already Relented

“I made mistakes. I absolutely made mistakes...But you can...put the genie back in the bottle. It can be done.” (36:13)
Practical advice for walking back permissive tech rules, even if it results in temporary anger.

The Value of Repair Over Perfection

“Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Do the good that you can. And yeah, you're gonna mess up. I certainly did. But learn from those mistakes and move forward.” (39:24)

Parental Influence Still Matters

“When we keep saying that the outside world needs to sort of regulate this to the point where it won't be our burden, I think it actually takes away the major amount of influence we have with our kids.” (40:59)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On explicit digital safety:
“No, you need to say it. Kids have crushes and they don't always realize or process that, oh, I'm just sending this to my friend. Well, once you do that, it can go anywhere.” (03:15, Twenge)
On leading by example:
“Adults are allowed a certain amount of what I call digital hypocrisy...but if you don't want your kids to be on their phone during dinner, you shouldn't be either.” (33:35, Twenge)
On habit-building:
“You have to instill those good habits, and then hopefully it's become rote for her to not be on her phone in the middle of the night. I hope you bought her an alarm clock too.” (14:21, Pressman)
On tech as 'freedom' versus isolation:
“My 15 year old would be one of those kids if it wasn't for the incentive of getting a smartphone. My oldest was right there. She would have done it no matter what. But yeah, kids are different.” (31:10, Twenge)
On room for change:
“You can dial some things back and then you can also just do your best going forward. Just don't give up. It is too important.” (40:43, Twenge)
On social pressure and real friendship:
"If there's someone who will not communicate with you unless you're on a specific platform. They're not really your friend." (41:28, unnamed 18-year-old, quoted by Twenge)

Timestamps for Major Segments

Opening context & framing (Dr. Pressman): 00:10 – 02:51
The 7 essential conversations: 02:51 – 12:44
Most important device rule (no devices in bedrooms): 13:54 – 16:34
Handling resistance and practical rule-setting: 16:34 – 18:25
First phones and why dumb phones > smartphones: 18:25 – 22:37
Social media readiness & age guidelines: 25:46 – 31:28
Tech-free family time & parental hypocrisy: 33:35 – 34:31
Pushing back against "everyone else is doing it": 34:31 – 36:13
Reversing bad habits & role of parental influence: 36:13 – end

Final Takeaways

This episode is a mixture of research-driven rules, compassionate understanding, and actionable conversations for modern parents navigating the digital world. Dr. Twenge and Dr. Pressman encourage parents to set clear, realistic boundaries, have open, age-appropriate discussions, and not to fear “course-correction” or pushback—from teens or the culture at large.

Above all: Setting thoughtful expectations and having real conversations matter far more than being perfect or tech-phobic. Don’t let “perfect” become the enemy of “good”.

For more resources, join Dr. Aliza Pressman’s Substack and parent group, or check out Dr. Twenge's book, 10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High Tech World.

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Transcript

Dr. Eliza Pressman (0:01)

The following podcast is a Dear Media production.

Professor Jean Twenge (0:10)

Welcome to Raising good humans. I'm Dr. Eliza Pressman and today we're talking with Professor Jean Twang Yee. She's a professor of psychology at San Diego State University. She's the author of more than 150 scientific publications and her latest book, 10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High Tech World, is out now. This is such a controversial conversation. What we talked about today were the seven conversations that you need to have with your kids before you embark on any technology, regardless of age. So we're talking about those seven conversations and then the fundamental rules that we absolutely need to have in the household. We also Talked about how Dr. Twenge has an age recommendation, which I think is a little bit tricky. You need to take into account your own household. We can't do that for you. So of course researchers and psychologists are going to err on the side of the oldest age possible, to stretch the time between, you know, childhood and exposure to social media, for example. But we also look to you. I mean, ultimately this is a personal decision. You have to also think about your bandwidth, how much support you have, how much support you can give your kids and who they are and what their temperament is. So I don't want you to be so stuck, stuck on an age. But at least when you hear what experts say about age recommendations, it sort of pushes you in the direction of just like, don't do it as early as you think. I don't want anybody to panic. You know, your kids and their capacity and your capacity. And that is a huge factor that cannot be replicated in studies and it isn't something that we can universally say is the thing. So I hope you enjoy this episode. I hope it doesn't stress you out and gives you more confidence to have rules that make sense to you, conversations that will be helpful and as always, reach out to me. Let me know your follow up questions. Follow me on substack drelizapressman.substack.com where I can answer your questions in free articles. Join me in my monthly parent group. That's the membership substack that does have a small fee, but it's less than a cup of coffee, so I feel like it's fine. We'll keep talking about this. Don't forget to subscribe, rate and review for Raising Good Humans podcast to get further out into the world. Okay, take a deep breath for this one. So we're gonna dive right in. So what are the 10 conversations that you want us to have with Our young people, anytime we're thinking about are they ready for devices, like to set them up.

Dr. Eliza Pressman (2:51)

I think it's important to put this in the context that the book is called 10 Rules because it is about the rules as well as those conversations. But yes, there need to be conversations as well as rules. So I'm just flipping through the book here. So the first one is, never ever send someone a nude picture of yourself. So much bad stuff has happened. I mean, it seems obvious, but there.

Professor Jean Twenge (9:25)

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Dr. Eliza Pressman (18:25)

2025. Yeah. And you know, I, I, I do think you can take that argument too far. I, I, because I've heard people say, oh, this is just the way kids are now, there's nothing we could do about it. And I strongly disagree with that. But unless you're homeschooling your kids or sending them to the only school in the universe that doesn't have laptops, they're going to have some tech. Right? They're going to have some, they're going to have some technology. And you know, most parents are going to want their kid to have some type of phone, you know, at some point, some middle School. Right. At some point. So I think you have to work within certain parameters. But there's, there's a lot you can do within those parameters. So one thing is the rule number four, which is first phones should be basic phones. So often this comes sometime in middle school, you know, your kids taking a bus or they have sports practice or they're walking to school or whatever it is. And so you want them to have a phone. So what's become common is you just hand them a smartphone. That's it. That's a disaster. You try to solve the one problem of maybe they need to, in an unusual situation, call you like once every other month. And it becomes they're attached to that phone, you know, 10 hours a day. So it solves this relatively small problem by, and then creates a huge, big problem. So for very young kids, get them a flip phone, then they can call you. They can't do anything else on it. Some people do a smartwatch, but I'm really cautious about smartwatches given some things. I've heard of first and second grade teachers having to chase kids off the smart watches where they can watch YouTube on it and play games on it. I sat next to a kid who looked about 11 at my daughter's band concert. She spent the entire time instead of listening to her brother or sister, be in the band and hear some cool music playing a game on her smartwatch. So I think that's maybe not the solution until they're maybe not at all, but maybe not until they're significantly older or if you could lock down the smartwatch somehow.

Professor Jean Twenge (22:37)

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