Podcast Summary: Raising Good Humans

Episode: "The Stories We Tell Ourselves and How To Let Go Of The Ones That Don’t Serve Us"

Guests: Dr. Aliza Pressman (host), Elise Loehnen
Date: December 5, 2025

Main Theme & Purpose

This candid, insightful episode explores the stories—often inherited and reinforced by culture—that women, especially mothers, tell themselves about goodness, worth, power, and parenting. Dr. Aliza Pressman is joined by Elise Loehnen, author of On Our Best Behavior and creator of a companion workbook, to unpack how these internal narratives shape our actions, self-worth, relationships, and parenting practices. The episode dives into practical strategies for identifying, interrogating, and ultimately letting go of stories that no longer serve us, fostering resilience and more authentic connections with our children and ourselves.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Stories We Inherit and Their Impact

• Elise’s Book Origins
  • Explores how society programs women for “goodness” mediated by external authorities.
  • Contrasts men’s cultural narratives, which focus on power rather than goodness.
  • Women’s invisible, ritualistic performance of goodness often leads to self-neglect—never being tired, not expressing wants, avoiding discussing money, being “sexy but not sexual”, and suppressing anger (03:15).
• Memorable Quote:

  “A good woman is never tired. A good woman puts her own wants, subjugates her wants to other people's needs... A good woman is sexy but not sexual, desirable but not desiring.”
  – Elise Loehnen (03:15)

2. Money Stories and Scarcity (07:05–11:00)

• Women often feel guilty charging for their work, associating money and service as incompatible.
• Personal examples illustrate inherited scarcity narratives from childhood, propagated through parental modeling.
• Memorable Example:
  Elise recounts her mother’s “bag lady” anxiety and how it shaped her own relationship with money and security.
• Notable Quote:

  "Money is inherently neutral. We just ascribe a lot of feelings to it."
  – Elise Loehnen (08:57)

• Reflection on how these stories unconsciously transmit to daughters and perpetuate a cycle of emotional discomfort around money.

3. Fact vs. Story: The Central Tool (20:15–24:00)

• Clear, actionable distinction:
  • Fact: Something incontrovertible, observable (can be caught on camera).
  • Story: Interpretation or narrative layered on top of fact.
  • Feelings can be facts if stated directly, but stories about feelings are not.
• Parenting example: Dr. Aliza’s daughter conflating feedback with criticism is reframed through this fact-vs.-story lens.
• Exercise: Pause and ask, “What actually happened? What am I telling myself about what happened?”
• Notable Quote:

  "Most of the things that are stories in our lives, we hold as fact. A fact is something that is incontrovertible..."
  – Elise Loehnen (20:15)

4. The Power and Protection of Stories (25:00–26:00)

• Stories often serve a protective function—perfectionism, self-sacrifice, or over-functioning may have once kept us safe or gained approval.
• The aim is not to shame ourselves, but to recognize when these stories no longer serve our present needs, and to compassionately let them go.
• Notable Quote:

  "Our stories... keep us safe. They're highly functional... But it's not how I want to continue to live my life at this point. I'm ready to put that story down, sort of. Marie Kondo it."
  – Elise Loehnen (25:00)

5. Making Stories Big: Humor and Distance (16:44, 50:04)

• Naming your “story persona” (e.g., Elise’s Beth the Bag Lady) creates distance and humor, making stories less powerful.
• “Teaching a class” in your story’s worldview—exaggerating it—highlights absurdity and helps dislodge its grip.
• Notable Exercise:
  Fleshing out the story to a comic extreme uncovers how unreasonable underlying beliefs can be.
• Notable Quote:

  "When you make it really big, it becomes funny and it also becomes like, this is so dumb."
  – Elise Loehnen (16:44)

6. Stories, Gender, and Asking for Help (57:00–61:00)

• Women habitually hesitate to ask for help, often making indirect or covert requests out of shame or fear of burden.
• There's a tendency to think help should be intuitive, not requested—leading to covert campaigns of reciprocity.
• Contrasted with men, who typically ask (or expect) assistance without anxiety or shame.
• Parenting note:
  Modeling asking for help—openly, unapologetically—is key for raising children who feel confident seeking support.
• Memorable Exchange:

  "Just ask. It's really hard, but the more we practice and the more we're really transparent... it's affirming and good for all of us."
  – Elise Loehnen (60:20)

7. Practice Saying No (64:38–69:00)

• Common struggle: Avoiding resentment and burnout by overcommitting or fearing disappointing others.
• Scripts for graceful "no"s are shared and normalized.
• Dr. Aliza links ease with saying no to her upbringing: better to be honest upfront than disappoint later.
• Quote:

  "A 'no' is... a service for people. And it makes... a 'no' makes me trust people even more."
  – Elise Loehnen (69:58)

8. The Drama Triangle & Shifting Perspective (71:03–73:43)

• Introduces the “drama triangle”—victim, villain, and hero—as a map for understanding relational dynamics when you're “below the line” (powerless).
• Emphasizes gaining consciousness about when you're in these roles and how to move above the line (agency, creator of experience).
• Practical Note:
  Sometimes it’s okay to knowingly “go below the line” and vent, but then consciously decide to shift perspective.
• Notable Quote:

  "When you go below the line, you see the world is happening to you... When you are above the line, you see yourself as the creator of your own experience."
  – Elise Loehnen (71:03)

9. Reclaiming: Taking Back Our Stories (74:22–75:29)

• Final reflection: Reclaiming isn’t about control, but conscious authorship over the stories driving us.
• Recognizing the origins and the function of internal stories, then choosing with intention.
• Closing Quote:

  "Reclaiming is... to get a handle on what's driving us and to interrogate a little bit and say, is this helpful?... Can I take the story back, put it down, or refashion it in some way and then choose a different story to run my life for a little bit?"
  – Elise Loehnen (74:26)

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• "A good woman is never tired..." (03:15, Elise Loehnen)
• "Money is inherently neutral..." (08:57, Elise Loehnen)
• "Most of the things that are stories in our lives, we hold as fact..." (20:15, Elise Loehnen)
• "Our stories... keep us safe. They're highly functional. Often we can look at our lives and say, I did this. I've done this because I carried this story..." (25:00, Elise Loehnen)
• "When you make it really big, it becomes funny and it also becomes like, this is so dumb." (16:44, Elise Loehnen)
• "Just ask. It's really hard, but the more we practice... it's affirming and good for all of us." (60:20, Elise Loehnen)
• "A 'no' is... a service for people. And it makes... a 'no' makes me trust people even more." (69:58, Elise Loehnen)
• "When you go below the line, you see the world is happening to you... When you are above the line, you see yourself as the creator of your own experience." (71:03, Elise Loehnen)
• "Reclaiming is... to get a handle on what's driving us... Can I take the story back, put it down, or refashion it in some way and then choose a different story..." (74:26, Elise Loehnen)

Important Timestamps for Key Segments

• Opening on gendered “goodness” and stories: 02:37–04:43
• Money, taboo, and scarcity narratives: 07:05–11:00
• Transmitting stories to kids/conscious modeling: 11:34–14:02
• Fact vs. story tool & examples: 20:15–24:00
• Making stories big (persona/class exercise): 16:44, 50:04–53:02
• On asking for help and modeling for children: 57:00–61:00
• Practicing saying 'no' & scripts: 64:38–69:00
• Drama triangle & self-awareness: 71:03–73:43
• Reclaiming: how to choose new stories: 74:22–75:29

Overall Tone and Takeaways

Warm, vulnerable, and empowering, this conversation gives permission to examine, laugh at, and ultimately reshape the narratives internalized from culture and upbringing, especially those that hold women and mothers back. Listeners come away with real tools: learning to separate fact from story, giving stories names and humor, practicing transparency and asking for help, firmly (and guiltlessly) saying no, and mindfully reclaiming authorship over their own life narratives. It’s an invitation—especially to mothers—to “pull the thread” on inherited stories, build authenticity, and model healthier, more flexible thinking for the next generation.