Podcast Episode Summary

Podcast: Raising Good Humans
Host: Dr. Aliza Pressman
Guest: Dr. Darby Saxbe
Episode Title: What Happens to Your Brain When You Become a Parent (Including Dads)
Date: December 19, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode explores the profound neurological and psychological changes that occur when someone becomes a parent—including fathers and non-biological caregivers. Dr. Aliza Pressman speaks with Dr. Darby Saxbe, a clinical psychologist and researcher at USC, about the vulnerability and remarkable opportunities for growth that define this transformative period. The conversation debunks parenting myths, emphasizes the role of caregiving regardless of gender or biological relation, and highlights the immense neuroplasticity triggered by becoming a parent.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Parenting Doesn’t Require Perfection—Real Talk Among Experts

• The episode opens with both experts sharing parenting “fails” to normalize imperfect, human moments.
  • “Sometimes I think that it's good to yell at kids because it's important for them to see that you're human...Sometimes kids are just being jerks and...they get accountability when they see you be mad.” – Dr. Darby Saxbe [01:32]
  • Both agree it’s unrealistic to always follow a script; authenticity and repair matter more than perfection.

2. The Transition to Parenthood: A Window of Neuroplasticity

• Dr. Saxbe discusses her research on the underappreciated neurological and hormonal transformations in new parents, coining it a “third window” of change after infancy and adolescence.
  • “There’s kind of this third window that happens to us in adulthood...where we see a lot of different systems changing all at once...[including] the brain, our hormonal milieu…our relationships...identity.” [03:14]
• These changes offer both vulnerability (to mood disorders, sleep deprivation, health risks) and opportunity (for profound psychological growth and redefinition).

3. Caregiving Drives Brain Change—Not Just Pregnancy

• Dr. Saxbe’s lab and others have shown that brain remodeling occurs not only in mothers, but also in fathers, adoptive parents, and even caregiving grandparents.
  • "The more time men are spending with babies, the more time they have as a primary caregiver, the more profound the changes to their brain structure. So I think there's something about just, like, the work of care that is, like, neuroplastic." – Dr. Darby Saxbe [10:13]
• Research from Emory finds similar neural responses among grandmothers and even non-parent caregivers, emphasizing caregiving as the key factor.

4. Caregiving as Rich, but Also Demanding Work

• The joys of caregiving are paired with challenges:
  • “Caregiving is a form of work. It's effortful...You have to sort of like try and it's draining and it's isolating and our society kind of sets people up to have a hard time with it.” – Dr. Darby Saxbe [14:33]
• Brain changes in new fathers correlate with increased attachment but also higher rates of depression, anxiety, and sleep issues.
• Dr. Saxbe advocates for treating parent support as a societal duty, not just an individual one.

5. The Value of Social Support and Community

• The ideal is a collective, communal approach to parenting, much like hunter-gatherer societies.
  • “This kind of like one parent, one child model is not what's practiced in most places historically...If you look at hunter gatherers...they raise kids in community.” – Dr. Darby Saxbe [16:22]
• Practical supports (e.g., extended family, communities, protected leave) can scaffold new parents during their most vulnerable period.
• Other countries (e.g., Sweden, Netherlands) provide models with longer parental leave and subsidized part-time work, reducing stress and improving outcomes.

6. Reassurance Against Parent Shaming

• Dr. Saxbe and Dr. Pressman are adamant about separating system-level failures from parent-level blame.
  • “We do so much mom shaming...We've survived for millennia under much worse circumstances. Unless you're abjectly neglecting and abusing a kid, chances are they're going to be pretty resilient.” – Dr. Darby Saxbe [22:01]
• The notorious Romanian orphanage studies are addressed—reminding listeners not to equate them with everyday, loving (but imperfect) parenting.

7. Debunking Intensive Parenting Myths

• Too much focus on micro-managing every interaction and following “scripts” can backfire, eroding parent confidence and natural responsiveness.
  • “You can't be on your kid enriching them every minute of every day...Your kid is going to grow on their own. You can create the conditions, but you can't tell them which direction to head.” – Dr. Darby Saxbe [24:09]
• Experience and community are better teachers than aiming for idealized, prescriptive parenting.

8. Navigating Scripts, Instincts, and Confidence

• Dr. Pressman and Dr. Saxbe explore the insecurity parents (especially new ones) feel, especially if they didn't have positive parenting models themselves.
• The desire for scripts often grows out of lack of exposure (“a lot of men will say, the first baby I ever held was my own.” [28:33]), but true confidence comes from tuning into your own child and circumstances.

9. Unique Challenges and Opportunities for Fathers

• Fatherhood is changing rapidly, with expectations for deep involvement rising, but cultural support lagging.
  • “There are dads who have never changed a diaper, like our current president, and there are dads who are primary caregivers who do everything...there's a huge gray area.” – Dr. Darby Saxbe [38:25]
• Dads may be more isolated, lack scripting, and often feel less essential—particularly early on.
• Diversity in parenting approaches (including errors and different styles between parents) is healthy for children’s adaptability.

10. Father Involvement Across a Child’s Development

• Kids' parental preferences fluctuate. Dads shouldn’t “bench” themselves if they feel less needed early on.
  • “The relationship took on its own specialness...with his own sons...when his kids were teens...he felt like his kids needed their dad even more than they needed their mom during those years.” [48:33]
• The value of fathering continues to grow as children become teens and young adults.

11. Parenting, Caregiving, and Societal Change

• Having more men participate in caregiving roles strengthens family bonds, supports child development, and is neuroprotective—potentially slowing brain aging.
  • “Being a parent is neuroprotective in late life...The more kids you have, the younger your brain actually looks...and you see it in men and women, which means it's not just about pregnancy hormones...it really is, I think, around care and social integration.” – Dr. Darby Saxbe [65:57]

12. Policy, Community, and a Call to Action

• Societal support structures—parental leave, quality childcare, acceptance of help—are urgently needed.
• Accepting help is not weakness; it’s an adaptive, communal act that benefits everyone involved.
• “Anyone who wants to show up in any way that they can, that's great for kids...we should not hesitate to, like, tap in whoever is willing to help and be involved with our kids.” – Dr. Darby Saxbe [56:35]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Caregiving is a form of work. It's effortful...You have to sort of like try and it's draining and it's isolating and our society kind of sets people up to have a hard time with it.” – Dr. Darby Saxbe [14:33]
• “Unless you're abjectly neglecting and abusing a kid, chances are they're going to be pretty resilient.” – Dr. Darby Saxbe [22:01]
• “You can't be on your kid enriching them every minute of every day.... You can water the soil, but ultimately you can't tell them which direction to head or what kind of flower they are.” – Dr. Darby Saxbe [24:09]
• “The more time men are spending with babies...the more profound the changes to their brain structure. So I think there's something about just, like, the work of care that is, like, neuroplastic.” – Dr. Darby Saxbe [10:13]
• “I think actually becoming a dad is one of the most powerful things a man can do to have a better life.” – Dr. Darby Saxbe [66:21]
• “Love is good for all of us.” – Dr. Darby Saxbe [68:09]

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Opening reflections, importance of imperfection [00:55–02:47]
• The transition to parenthood and neuroplasticity [03:14–06:52]
• Brain changes in caregivers (not just mothers) [08:38–10:22]
• Challenges of caregiving & society’s shortcomings [13:34–15:24]
• Societal support, international perspectives [16:22–20:00]
• Parent shaming vs. true risk factors [20:52–22:20]
• Debunking parenting myths and scripts [24:02–27:50]
• Lack of confidence and the search for scripts/parental wisdom [28:28–31:23]
• Fatherhood’s unique challenges, stereotypes, and opportunities [36:21–43:49]
• Preferred-parent struggles and encouraging sustained father involvement [45:58–49:35]
• Benefits of different caregiving approaches/community parenting [53:05–56:35]
• Offering and accepting help; building community [57:04–60:36]
• Dr. Saxbe’s research: The Hatch Study [60:46–63:59]
• Parenting, brain health, and societal meaning for men [65:57–67:38]
• Final remarks on love and growth [68:09–68:16]

Takeaways

• Parenting rewires both mothers’ and fathers’ brains—caregiving, not just biology, is key.
• Forget perfection or "right" scripts: responsive, authentic, and connected parenting is what matters.
• Parenting changes your identity, relationships, and even your brain—a vulnerable but uniquely generative time.
• Society must do more to support new parents—community, policy, and normalized help are essential, not optional.
• Don’t bench dads—vital opportunities for involvement exist at every stage of a child’s life.
• Parenting is good for adults’ brains, well-being, and society—the act of care transforms everyone involved.

For more on Dr. Saxbe’s research, see the NEST Lab and her forthcoming book, "Dad Brain".