Podcast
Relationship Alive!
Hosted by Neil Sattin · EN
Neil Sattin interviews John Gottman, Sue Johnson, Harville Hendrix, Peter Levine, Stan Tatkin, Dick Schwartz, Katherine Woodward Thomas, Diana Richardson, Terry Real, Wendy Maltz - and many others - in his quest to dig deep into all the factors that keep a Relationship Alive and Thriving! Each week Neil brings you an in-depth interview with a relationship expert. Neil is an author and relationship coach who is enthusiastic and passionate about relationships and the nuts and bolts of what makes them last. You can find out more about Neil Sattin and the Relationship Alive podcast at http://www.neilsattin.com
15episodes
Episodes
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264: Why You Keep Living the Same Story (and How to Change It) - with Megan Macedo
2w ago00:59:17Tap to summarizeThere's a story running underneath your life, and the strange thing is, you probably can't see it. Not because you're not smart or self-aware. It's just almost impossible to see the pattern you're standing inside of. Way easier to spot in other people, of course! This week I'm joined by Megan Macedo, the writer and teacher who helped me find my way back to my own work after a long pause. Megan has spent more than a decade helping people surface the stories they're unconsciously living - how to actually see the pattern you keep repeating, why your story lives in your body and not just your head, and what it takes to start living a truer one. We talk about the "power of insignificance" and why the next small step matters more than the big legacy, the four stages every story cycle moves through (and why knowing where you are makes the hard parts bearable), and the quietly radical idea that the real gift of telling your story isn't being understood by other people, it's finally understanding yourself. This one is close to my heart, because it sits right where I care most: getting grounded enough in yourself that the deeper change becomes possible, and never having to do that work alone. You'll discover: - Why the pattern running your life is so hard to see from the inside, and the simple exercise that finally brings it into view - How your story lives in your body, which is why insight alone never quite seems to change anything - The four stages every story cycle moves through, and why "Act Two is supposed to be hard" is strangely freeing - Why "this worked for me, so it'll work for you" is the most misleading promise in personal growth - The surprising truth that telling your story is less about being understood by others and more about understanding yourself - Why we're never meant to do this work alone, and what "having someone at the door" actually gives you Whether you feel stuck in a loop you can't name, or you just want to understand yourself a little more honestly, let this conversation with Megan Macedo help you dive deep into the story of your own life! --- Megan and I had such a rich conversation that we decided to co-teach a workshop together called The Stories We Live. Over three sessions, Megan brings the writing that surfaces the story you've been living, and I bring the somatic, emotional, and nervous-system work that helps you move through it and into a version of your story that's more true to who you are. You don't need to be a writer - you just have to be willing to get a clear look at your own life. We'll create a safe space to help you get there. If that speaks to you, you can find all the details here: https://www.neilsattin.com/story Claim your Free Top 3 Communication Secrets here: https://www.neilsattin.com/relate You don't have to do it alone. Join the Relationship Alive & Thrive Community for affordable support: https://www.neilsattin.com/thrive Want to regulate your nervous system and develop rock-solid emotional resilience? https://www.neilsattin.com/connected Find out more about Megan Macedo, her writing, and her work, and sign up for her mailing list: https://www.meganmacedo.com Chapters "00:00 - Welcome back, and the person who helped me find my way home""02:29 - The power of insignificance""07:59 - You have no choice but to be yourself""12:03 - Start from the raw materials of your life: two ways in" "18:19 - Why your story lives in your body, not just your head""21:13 - The stages of a story cycle" "25:01 - Crisis, breakthrough, epiphany, and why it never ends""29:00 - Workshop""30:15 - Why we're never meant to do this alone""31:54 - The real gift of story work: understanding yourself""33:44 - How being truly accompanied is where the healing happens""37:09 - Psychological safety, and the midwife at the door""39:18 - Being the steady presence your kids carry with them""41:13 - Letting yourself need someone, even as an adult""44:56 - The war paradigm that trains us to abandon ourselves""46:34 - Why you can only see your story from a distance""48:51 - Megan's work now: an artistic approach to everything""51:52 - What living artistically really means (your body already knows)""55:18 - Closing: build a container of safety, then trust yourself"
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263: Peter Levine - Reconnection for High Conflict Couples (When Your Partner Becomes the Trigger)
Jun 301:24:43Tap to summarizeYou walk into the room, and there's your partner - the person you love - but after last night's fight, just the sight of them sets off the alarm bells in your body. If you've ever felt that, you're not broken, and you're not alone. It's one of the most human things there is. In this episode, I'm back with Dr. Peter Levine - developer of Somatic Experiencing and author of Waking the Tiger - for his fourth visit to Relationship Alive, and our most personal conversation yet. We get into what actually helps when the person closest to you becomes the one your nervous system reads as dangerous: how to settle yourself first, lead with a little honest vulnerability, and find your way back to each other after conflict. Then, in a very practical part two, Peter shows how to work with those moments when just your partner's voice or face leaves you tense or shut down: how to gently separate the feeling in your body from the story you're telling about it, take each other's hand, and walk toward the hard thing together. Along the way Peter shares, with remarkable openness, the story behind his new memoir and what he's learning about living - and loving - fully in his later years. This one is close to my heart, because it lives right at the place I care about most: regulation as the foundation, and the deeper repair, trust, and reconnection it makes possible. You'll discover: Why the same partner who holds your happiest memories can also trigger fight-or-flight, and what to do in that exact moment The simple, honest thing to say when you're too activated to talk well ("I just realized I'm activated right now - can we come back to this in a few minutes?") How to separate the body sensation from the story, so an old trigger starts to loosen its grip How to be the steady, present anchor when your partner is the one working through something hard Why doing your own work first is often what makes coming back together actually possible Whether you're in a rough patch, rebuilding after a rupture, or you just want to be able to stay connected when things get charged, I think you'll find a lot here to hold onto. Content note: Around the 18-minute mark, Peter shares openly about severe childhood trauma, including sexual abuse, as part of the larger story of how he worked through it - revisiting a positive memory to renegotiate the trauma and put it in the past where it belongs. If that's tender for you, you can skip from about 18:05 to about 19:40 to move past the hardest part and into how he healed. (I also flag this in the episode itself with a short heads-up around 17:37, right before the section.) Take good care of yourself. Peter and I had such a good conversation that we decided to co-teach a workshop called Regulate to Communicate - all about how to stay present and relaxed no matter how challenging the situation gets. If that sounds like it could help, you can find the details here:https://www.neilsattin.com/workshop Claim your Free Top 3 Communication Secrets here:https://www.neilsattin.com/relate You don't have to do it alone. Join the Relationship Alive & Thrive Community for affordable support:https://www.neilsattin.com/thrive Want to regulate your nervous system, and develop rock-solid emotional resilience?https://www.neilsattin.com/connected This is Peter's fourth time on the show. Here's how to find our earlier conversations: Peter 1 (Episode 29): https://www.neilsattin.com/peter1 Peter 2 (Episode 127): https://www.neilsattin.com/peter2 Peter 3 (Episode 198): https://www.neilsattin.com/peter3 Learn more about Peter Levine, Somatic Experiencing, and his books - including Waking the Tiger and his new memoir, An Autobiography of Trauma: A Healing Journey:https://www.somaticexperiencing.com
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262: What High-Conflict Couples Taught Me About Healing the Political Divide
Feb 2400:30:43Tap to summarizeI've been working with high-conflict couples for more than a decade. While every couple is different, there's a consistent way that they either solve their conflict (or stay stuck). And it turns out that it works for ANY kind of conflict. In this episode of Relationship Alive, you'll learn the proven framework to take any challenging conversation from confrontation to collaboration. Whether you're trying to figure out how to talk about politics with family, navigate a disagreement with your partner, or have a difficult conversation with someone you care about - the skills are the same. I break down the three steps that actually work to move past the divide, find common ground, and stay connected even when you deeply disagree. In this episode you'll learn: - Why trying to convince someone they're wrong almost never works - How to stay regulated when a conversation gets heated - The three steps to move from argument to collaboration - How to find common values underneath surface-level disagreements - Why relationship conflicts and political conflicts have the same root cause FREE Guide to my Top 3 Communication Secrets: https://www.neilsattin.com/relate Regulate to Communicate workshop co-taught with Peter Levine: https://www.neilsattin.com/workshop Reach out: neilius at neilsattin dot com 00:00:00 Intro 00:01:20 The Key Problem - How We (Don’t) Learn to Handle Conflict 00:03:00 The Pitfalls of Democracy When It Comes to Resolving Conflict 00:05:20 A Simple Framework for Getting Through Conflict 00:06:43 The Importance of an Actual Conversation 00:08:08 Do You have to be calm for a challenging convo? 00:09:22 Do the specifics Matter? 00:10:09 The Most Important Priorities 00:12:08 What about When the Other Person Can’t Show Up? 00:14:53 What Keeps Couples Stuck - and how to undo it 00:17:11 Another KEY skill 00:21:16 How to Be Ready to Fail 00:22:15 Bringing this together for politics and other conflicts
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261: Sue Johnson - Being Truly Seen: Healing Trauma Through Attachment Science (EFIT)
Oct 901:21:49Tap to summarizeWhen you’re stuck, you have powerful internal drives that you can harness to get unstuck. I’m not talking about pain vs. pleasure, or fear vs. love - instead, it’s the power of connection that enables you to overcome any issues, no matter how seemingly insurmountable . Today’s guest is Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and author of “Hold Me Tight.” In this interview, perhaps one of her last recorded conversations, Sue talks about the development and practice of EFIT - Emotionally Focused INDIVIDUAL Therapy - and offers a virtual masterclass in how this approach can transform your life. Witness exactly how Sue Johnson masterfully harnesses the science - and art - of attachment to create a deep sense of safety, and then use it as a solid foundation for growth and change. This episode is dedicated to the memory of Sue Johnson, who was a gracious, frequent guest here on Relationship Alive. Her willingness to privilege emotion, through scientific rigor, elevated our understanding of how relationships work, and how we humans can grow, change, and connect more deeply. Thank you, Sue, for everything. Visit ICEEFT to learn more about Sue Johnson’s work, find an EFT Therapist (or EFIT, or EFFT), learn about her books, and get training. https://www.iceeft.com Claim your Free Top 3 Communication Secrets here: https://www.neilsattin.com/relate Want to regulate your nervous system, and develop rock-solid emotional resilience? https://www.neilsattin.com/connected
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260: How to Turn Your Vulnerability into Your Relationship Superpower - with Ken Page
Aug 801:04:55Tap to summarizeWhat if the parts of yourself you're most ashamed to show are actually your greatest assets in building deep, lasting relationships? In this powerful conversation, renowned therapist and Deeper Dating author Ken Page reveals why vulnerability isn't a weakness to overcome - it's your secret weapon for attracting people who truly see and value you. If you're tired of playing dating games, hiding who you really are, or attracting people who can't handle your authentic self, this episode will completely shift how you approach connection. Plus, you'll see how to bring your authentic self into your existing relationships in a way that keeps you safe, while inviting others to be more real with you too. You'll discover: Why "attractions of deprivation" keep you stuck with the wrong people The one question that instantly reveals if someone is right for you How to lead with your "core gifts" instead of your protective armor Why being more vulnerable actually makes you MORE discerning (not less) Whether you're single, dating, or in a relationship that needs deeper intimacy, Ken's insights will help you stop exhausting yourself trying to be "enough" for the wrong people and start attracting those who celebrate exactly who you are. This is Ken's third appearance on Relationship Alive—you can find our previous conversations about Deeper Dating fundamentals (Episode 30) and Fear of Intimacy (Episode 53) at neilsattin.com Ready to turn your vulnerability into your superpower? Listen now. Also - Claim your Free Top 3 Communication Secrets here: https://www.neilsattin.com/relate
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259: Don't Fight Your Negative Thoughts...Join Them! (to Overcome Them)
Jul 800:39:03Tap to summarizeYour negative thoughts feel like the enemy. They sure can get in the way of your goals and dreams! But when you embrace your negative thinking, you'll uncover a surprising paradox that suddenly turns them into your most powerful allies. In this episode of Relationship Alive, you'll learn how to transform your negative thoughts into fuel for your biggest goals. In the process, you'll heal old wounds...and free up tons of energy and motivation that's been stuck. Links mentioned: *FREE 3-step communication guide: https://www.neilsattin.com/relate *Regulate your nervous system and develop Emotional Resilience: https://www.neilsattin.com/foundationcourse *Communication Workshop co-taught with Peter Levine: https://www.neilsattin.com/workshop *Support for the process: https://www.neilsattin.com/coaching
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258: When Desire Fades, Come Together - Emily Nagoski & the Science of Longlasting Sexual Connection
May 10, 202501:20:43Tap to summarizeWhat if everything you've been taught about keeping desire alive in long-term relationships is fundamentally wrong? In this revealing conversation with Dr. Emily Nagoski, we challenge the cultural "desire imperative" that has us constantly chasing an elusive spark. Discover why pleasure - not spontaneous desire - is the true measure of sexual wellbeing, and how understanding your "emotional floor plan" can create pathways to connection. Dr. Nagoski shares research-backed insights on how couples who maintain vibrant sexual connections focus on co-creating unique experiences rather than following cultural scripts. Whether you're experiencing mismatched desire patterns or simply want to deepen your intimate connection, this episode offers a revolutionary framework for sustainable pleasure that evolves alongside your relationship. Link for more info: https://www.neilsattin.com/nagoski2 FREE Communication Guide: https://www.neilsattin.com/relate Emotional Resilience Course: https://www.neilsattin.com/foundation
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257: Two Obvious (but IMPORTANT) Healthy Relationship Principles
Apr 19, 202500:41:38Tap to summarizeWhat if the most important relationship skills were hiding in plain sight? In this episode, I return with two deceptively simple principles that form the foundation of ANY healthy relationship. Whether you're struggling with conflict, disconnection, or just want to take your relationships to the next level - these obvious (but often overlooked) truths will transform how you connect with others. Learn why kindness isn't just 'nice' but scientifically proven to be essential, and discover the single skill that unlocks all others: emotional resilience. Finally, you'll discover how to use your emotional skills to deal with a jerk - to connect, turn things around, and set meaningful boundaries. Links mentioned:FREE Top 3 Communication Strategies - https://www.neilsattin.com/relate From Chaos to Connected: Mastering Emotional Regulation and Resiliencehttps://www.neilsattin.com/foundation
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256 - Something Personal - Where I've Been and Where We're Going
Jun 4, 202400:48:08Tap to summarizeI stepped away from the Relationship Alive podcast for a "quick break" that was only supposed to last a month or two. That break became a journey of two and a half years, diving deep into questions about life, and meaning, and whether or not Relationship Alive should even continue. The journey also included a humbling exploration of where Relationship Alive might have gone wrong in those first 255 episodes. Nothing like hindsight to make certain things obvious!Now I'm back to share with you some of the answers to those questions. What did I miss during all of those 255 episodes? Is there still a reason for Relationship Alive to exist? And, assuming the answer is yes (hint: it is), where are we going from here? Along the way, there are some personal reveals that just might help you make sense of it all - as it has for me.I've missed you, and I'm happy to be back. Let's do this.
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255: How to Be Courageous (especially when it's hard)
Dec 29, 202100:57:07Tap to summarizeIt's easy to talk about being courageous - but how do you actually take action when it feels like a huge risk? Whether it's the decision to enter a relationship, or to leave a relationship, or all of the moments within a relationship when you might have to make a choice that feels a little edgy or scary - today's episode is going to focus on the practical steps to taking action...courageously. Don't just "feel the fear and do it anyway" - learn how to prepare yourself so that you stand the best chance of succeeding in a moment that requires your courage.As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it!Resources:Check out my Secrets of Relationship Communication COURSE for a masterclass in how to improve the communication and connection in your relationship.I want to know you better! Take the quick, anonymous, Relationship Alive surveyFREE Guide to Neil’s Top 3 Relationship Communication SecretsGuide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner’s Needs) in Relationship (ALSO FREE)Support the podcastAmazing intro and outro music provided courtesy of The RailsplittersTranscript:Neil Sattin: So let's get on with this conversation about courage and how to actually be courageous. Now, the way I see it, courage is required before you get into a relationship, while you're in a relationship, and if you decide that you're going to leave the relationship, that requires courage too. Courage is required all the way through when you are, let's say, meeting people going out on dates, it may require courage for you to ask someone out and it may require courage for you to follow up with a the person, it might require courage for you to ask for what you want.Interested in reading the transcript for the rest of this episode? Click here to download the full transcript of this episode!
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