← Rena Malik, MD Podcast
Rena Malik, MD Podcast
Moment: How Average-Sized Men Can Create Deep Pleasure (Without Crazy Positions)
00:23:47
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- [00:01]
A
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- [00:31]
B
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- [01:00]
C
People want to know what are positions? They can use normal, average size, maybe smaller than average size penis to potentially stimulate someone very deeply.
- [01:12]
D
I really used to think that the positions conversation was really overrated because people come in and they, they want a position. Right? Like, but what should I do? Right? Yeah. And my thinking on it was always there are five positions total and everything else is a variation. And so I went out and I bought every book I could find that was like 1007 sex positions or whatever.
- [01:31]
C
Yeah.
- [01:31]
D
And I went out to kind of like prove myself either right or wrong. I guess I was open researcher. Right. Like, I have a hypothesis. I think there's only five positions. And what I found is that there are way more athletic positions that even me as like a Pilates devotee, can't sustain. But if you rule those out, if you rule out the acrobatic positions, there really are maybe 5, 5 positions for you to focus on. And every other piece of that is adjustment. So I recommend to people that you get into the mindset of doing AB tests, by which I mean, do you like Condition A or do you like Condition B more? And so for even missionary, let's just take missionary as an example. Condition A is missionary flat on a bed. And condition B is missionary with a pillow under her hips.
- [02:16]
C
Yep.
- [02:16]
D
Okay. If B wins the initial test, then we make another AB test, then we move the pillow up a little bit or down a little bit, and those become A and B. And then we try a thicker pillow and a thinner pillow and that becomes A and B. Or we Try a thicker wedge and a smaller wedge, and then those become A and B. In order to really find the positions that work for your individual bodies, testing is the best way, and I think the most neutral way.
- [02:41]
C
Right.
- [02:41]
D
Because you're just collecting data in order to figure out what works best for you. And especially even more so as you age and you collect injuries and, you know, you don't even have to. It's just a Tuesday and you've slept kind of funny. You know, it doesn't have to be a chronic condition for you to benefit from making those micro adjustments. On top of that, What I'll say is that if you. If you have a partner who is very, very lubricated, if, whether you added a lot of lube or you didn't add, or she's. She's just naturally very wet, then it's always a possibility to remove a little bit of lubrication to increase friction. This is something that I saw a lot when I was in graduate school, was that actually people benefited from, like, taking a little time. Towel or a paper towel and. Or like a napkin and just like, tapping, just gently removing some of the wetness to create a little bit more friction. Only if it works for both partners. So that is something that you can utilize as you're exploring these various positions, because that actually makes a tremendous difference on both people's sensations. The other piece of that is any position where her legs are going to be closer together is going to create a different amount of sensation both for her and for you. So if she has a lot of trouble reaching orgasm during penetration, to try positions that allow her to vary and test the width of her legs and the openness of her legs, because that changes the shape of the vaginal canal and changes what nerves and what nerve endings are being stimulated in each of those various positions. And then lastly, the experiment of testing on the angle that the two bodies.
- [04:12]
C
Are together and how they're connecting.
- [04:14]
D
And how they're connecting. Yeah, because I studied one tradition called the kiddoshka that posits that there are eight different types of penises and eight different types of vaginas. And that, like all of. All of human anatomy, is sort of like one of these sort of types falls closer to one of those, but it can also be a mix of any of them. So maybe there's like an infinite number, which is actually the truth. But if you think about it like that, then you don't really even need to know what type you are, what type your partner is to know that all of Those different things are going to come together differently. And especially when I talk to men who maybe like also want to compare themselves to porn stars or her previous lovers or they want to compare her body to their previous lovers bodies. The truth is it's not just small variations in anatomy. There are people who have hooded clitorises and longer vaginal canals. And there are folks who have like vaginas that tend to be drier and they tend to reach orgasm a lot more quickly. And there are people who have it like you are combining something that is so unique and so individual on one person with something that is equally unique and individual on another. The only way to figure out how these two bodies go together is to trial and see what happens.
- [05:25]
C
Right? Right. It's like everyone has their own fit. Right. And everyone has their own sort of connection. It's like you. Yes, the vagina is very flexible and it can accommodate a wide variety of sizes, but it is certainly a spread specific size.
- [05:40]
E
Right.
- [05:41]
C
And some women will achieve orgasm more easily. They, they're actually, there's actually differences in like the, the distance between the clitoris and the vaginal canal. And that's so individual. Like if they've looked at ultrasound studies and they've seen like, some people have more thicker, some people have thinner. Like, there's a whole bunch of variations that go into how sensitive a partner is and how lubricated they are, as you mentioned. And so like, yeah, it's worth it to try. And I would just, I would add one little thing is like, don't try necessarily everything you see on porn because that is like the highest level of, you know, of what abilities are sexually. But also they have like a team and they have like a camera that's paused and turned back on and like.
- [06:23]
E
All sorts of things.
- [06:24]
D
They have a warm up routine. Yeah, that would be like going to Cirque du Soleil and then leaving your home and being like, I think we should do acrobatic backbends now, honey. Like, no, those folks warm up. They're trained. They also generally like have medical professionals that support them because they get injured a lot doing those things. And you may not see that because that all happens during, you know, the 10 years that it took them to get to that stage. And you don't get to skip the 10 years and just go straight to the finish line and expect the same from your body. There, there, there's a, there's a lot that you can do. I put together a course on sex positions and one of the bonus videos is literally warm ups.
- [07:00]
E
Yeah.
- [07:00]
D
Like, so that you can get into your body and you do them together with a partner, which gets you in sync, and you're breathing and you're moving together. And then you go into trying the various expositions and the different modifications.
- [07:13]
C
I mean, synchrony is actually really important. So there's actually science on synchrony and how, like, when you're intimate with a partner, everything starts to synchronize. Like, you're breathing and you're. You know, and so it's a. I think that's a great way to sort of warm up.
- [07:24]
E
Yeah, totally.
- [07:24]
D
And then you bring that into the bedroom. One of my favorite things to do with my partner is take a yoga class together, because we're literally moving and breathing together for an hour and we're sweating together. And by the end of that. Or we go partner dancing. We do swing dancing together. And whenever we've done either one of those, the sex that we have is off the charts exceptional. And it's not because we did anything differently in the bedroom. It's all the ways that we got in sync outside of the bedroom first.
- [07:47]
C
Yeah. I mean, even anything that raises your heart rate can do that. Right. Because during arousal, that happens. So I think all those things are really great. And yeah, I think I love that idea of like, taking just AB testing. That's awesome. Let's talk a little bit about premature ejaculation. So I think this is a real problem in men where they don't talk about it. Right. But they don't last as long as they'd like to. And I think there's a lot of. From the medical side, there's very little that we offer, I'll be honest. Like, there's a few behavioral techniques, there's medications that all have side effects. There is nothing yet that I can say, like, you come into my office and I can fix you right away. Right. So I'd love to hear from your perspective, what are tools that you offer men to sort of support them?
- [08:28]
D
Yeah. So premature ejaculation is really what sort of started my work with men because I was on a YouTube video about squirting, and a bunch of men, literally thousands of men, started applying for coaching with me. And then the most common challenge that they were dealing with was premature ejaculation. And so I very quickly. And because I was just out of school and as a former researcher, I started just, like, running my own little experiments with them. Sort of like being their. Their own little cohorts. Yeah. Like this is the sample size and this is the condition and the control group and all that. And what I have found is that if I was to give one word definition to premature ejaculation or what really causes it, it's tension. And that can be tension in the pelvic floor. That can also be tension in the mind. Usually there's a relationship between them because of the, the way that our brain and body are connected. You don't really experience tension in one without having any tension in the other. And all of that pressure and all of that like tightness and tension leads to our body doing the thing that it evolved to do and getting out our genetic material and so that our species can continue. Right. And I always like tell guys, like, please be a little more gentle with yourself. Your body's actually like optimized to mate. Like, there's a reason that this trait get got handed down and exists in up to one third of men today. But in addition to breath, what I often teach them to do is connect their brain more intentionally with their pelvic floor. And that is through a combination of breath and movement and just like exploring, somatic experiencing really, because they're often so disconnected from what's happening in their pelvic floor that they can't even describe it as tense or tight or strong or loose. Like they, there's, there's almost no information being passed back and forth between the two. I also teach them and highly recommend that they change the way that they're masturbating. A lot of men grow up masturbating as quickly as possible to porn on their, you know, in the family bathroom or like the door locked, right. And waiting, you know, every step down the hall going, is that going to tell me that I've been in here for too long? Right. And so you condition your body to get to orgasm as quickly as possible, sometimes through even decades of masturbating to orgasm as quickly as possible. It makes perfect sense that your body's going to show up in bed and do the same thing. It's trained for that, right? And the way that you practice is the way that you play. So if you can get to 15 minutes easily in masturbation, then you can get to 15 minutes more easily with a partner. And we're, you know, they're not exactly the same. So we're, we're skill building and masturbation and then we're bringing that over to partnered sex. But a lot of the way that men experience masturbation differently than partnered sex is more about what's going on in their mind than what's going on in their body. And there are phenomenal strokers out there for men. I'm sure people send them to you and they send them to me and they vibrate and they have vacuums and they were. And they're warmed or they're warm. I saw one the other day that literally had a clock on it, like, which I thought was really cool for doing this because it was timer. As soon as you started, it was like a stopwatch. It started.
- [11:35]
C
But I don't know, that could create more anxiety. I.
- [11:38]
D
You just flip it upside down.
- [11:39]
C
No, no, but I'm saying like, like if you are. But you would. I think a guy would have a hard time not looking at it.
- [11:44]
D
Oh yeah.
- [11:45]
C
Do you know what I mean?
- [11:45]
D
I would too. Like, yeah, I'm very competitive.
- [11:47]
C
Right. I would feel like, yeah, I think it might. I mean it would be good for like a research purposes, but it would also, I think, increase anxiety.
- [11:54]
D
But I also, I think actually it can help them increase control because they can be like, I can't come yet, it's only been 14 minutes, I gotta make it to 15 minutes. And then they learn how to edge and how to breathe and how to like implement those. The actual things that I'm teaching them and understand, you know, where are you on a scale from 1 to 10? If 10 is I am going to reach, I'm going to ejaculate. Are you at a 5 right now? Are you at a 4? Are you at a 9? And you have a minute left before you can ejaculate. Like you can make adjustments to your behavior based on your goals and then you repeat that over and over and over again while at the same time addressing whatever stories you're telling yourself about partnered sex or how you need to show up there, or what she needs from you, or you know that you're not enough or you're to come too soon. And eventually with enough reps of both of those, you get to a place where you can not just last longer because you're able to like tolerate pleasure, but also you can actually get to the point where you feel very confident in your ability and it's no longer something that you're managing and you're just in the experience and choosing when to ejaculate.
- [12:51]
C
And I would say rather than tolerate pleasure, it'd be relaxing to pleasure.
- [12:54]
D
Exactly. Yeah. Allow for pleasure. Yeah. You know what I hate?
- [12:58]
E
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- [14:48]
C
Branch basics.com rena and then I would say that 14 minutes is much longer than average just for people listening. So average is like five to six minutes. So if you, if you are ejaculating within five to six minutes, it's completely normal. It's okay to want more, but I'm just saying it doesn't. It's not necessarily physiologically, you know, necessary.
- [15:08]
D
It's average. It's average. It may not be ideal for what you and your partner want, especially when it takes women 20 to 40 minutes to reach orgasms. So if you're able to last five to seven with actual penis and vagina intercourse, consider that you need to spend 15 to 30 minutes warming her up. If all she has is seven minutes and you want her to reach an orgasm with penetration, absolutely yes.
- [15:32]
C
Absolutely.
- [15:33]
D
I'm such a snob Now I'm like, seven minutes, like, come on, let's go for 30.
- [15:39]
C
So other tips on masturbation that you think that people. Besides going more quickly, what are other things men can do to like make masturbation a tool to help them be better inside?
- [15:51]
D
I love this question so much. It's like an obsession of mine. So I teach a system called the Erotic Blueprints and it's invented by my mentor Jaya. I've got a whole YouTube series on it if you want to learn more about them. But I suggest using the Erotic Blueprints, which are energetic, sensual, sexual, kinky and shapeshifter, to engage in masturbation. So what do I mean by that? Start with an energetic approach, which means way less physical and a lot more feeling into the energy that exists. So I'll give you an example that doesn't make it sound so woo woo. If you rub your hands together like this.
- [16:22]
C
Yeah.
- [16:22]
D
And then you float one hand over your arm. There's a space like right here for me right now where I can actually feel my hand and I can feel my arm, even though without touching. Right. I'm like aware of the space between them. I can feel like a little heat. And we have this incredible ability to really. I mean, I can. There are folks who can really feel the energy. And you can feel the energy of. From like quite a bit of distance because they've really trained that and they're very sensitive. But if you do this with yourself, if you do that with your cock and you just allow your body to sort of like think about it like it's reaching out. My nerve endings on both my hand and my arm are like reaching for each other now. Trying to feel each other.
- [17:00]
E
Right?
- [17:00]
C
Yeah.
- [17:01]
D
Even just something like that simple can actually engage a lot of awareness that's not otherwise present. Because we're going straight for touch. Right. So if we even just begin to like say, oh, I'm aware that my body exists in space. Okay, that's interesting. I can feel like, okay.
- [17:16]
E
Oh, wow.
- [17:17]
D
Even like with that, I can feel where there's tension or I can feel where I don't feel things. And that's also very useful information. And then move from there into a slow increasing amount of touch and amount of stimulation. So moving into the Sensual Blueprint is making it a sensory experience. So making sure that you have a space that feels like at least sensually supportive. It doesn't necessarily mean having like a perfectly clean room, but maybe you like, clear the clutter off of the bed. Or maybe you like turn on a fan or light a candle or something to like give yourself, give your five senses something to ground into. Men don't really think these things are for women. Right. A lot of the time. But actually men are just as sensorily oriented as women are. They just really haven't been given permission.
- [18:04]
C
To like light a candle to do it.
- [18:06]
D
Yeah, and, and maybe it's take a shower first, you know, whatever. Like has you feel grounded in your body so that you can experience pleasure in all five of your senses. Maybe it's putting on music. Yeah, but, but then also using a high quality lubricant like throw out the Jergens you guys like. Lube is cheap. It's 20, 25. Like get, get, get a nice lube. It could be a silicone based lube because it lasts a long time when you're masturbating. Or it could be oil. It can be an oil based lube. They make your skin feel better over time. Like this is good stuff. Treat like a self care routine and.
- [18:37]
C
Then don't use Vaseline or lotions, please like get lube or if you have to oil from your kitchen, like olive oil is fine. But do not use other things. They're going to irritate you. They're not going to feel good.
- [18:48]
D
Somebody's to going meant for, you know, like this. I like to think like this is your guy, you know, like you want your to like pamper with you and perform. Right. And you have this relationship to it where you're like you should just perform despite the fact that you're throwing like Vaseline. That's not fair. You know, you wouldn't do that to someone you love. Treat them like someone you love. But begin to like slowly ramp up. Do something called Lingam massage, which I also teach. Like give yourself a massage instead of going straight for. This should feel good, this should feel arousing. This should get me to orgasm. And then once you've done that for a while, then move into a technique that feels like you know you're going to get closer to orgasm. Depending on if you're edging, that might. Edging meaning getting close to orgasm and then pulling off that technique might look different. Switch things up. Use your other hand, especially if you want to last longer. Changing sensation, maybe even bring in a toy because that's going to be a different amount of sensation. So you, you can train differently. And then finally bringing in fantasies, bringing in or visualization is what I actually prefer because I think Going on a porn detox. If, if any of the things that we've talked about today like really resonate and you think that porn is part of the challenge for you, like maybe take a little break with it and instead visualize yourself with a lover in that moment. Maybe a real lover that you're actually with, or a future lover who you want to be with or like the wife or the girlfriend that you, you are calling for yourself. Imagine yourself like making love to her in those moments. If you need some sort of erotic reference in here and if you're able to just be present with yourself, with your body, with your experience, you don't need to add any visuals in here either and then play around with it. So all of these things and you don't have to incorporate all of them at once. But even just making slight changes to your masturbation routine, even if it's just getting coconut oil instead of whatever, it's a petroleum jelly, these things add up and they really show your body that you care about your body. And you know, it works just the same way it works with the lover. When you show a lover or a partner or a woman in your life that you really care about her and her well being, doesn't she also bloom and blossom under your care? Like, body is the same.
- [20:59]
C
Yes, yes. And I mean, I love that. Like, I think, I think, you know, it's always like, oh, you're whacking off. Like all these things that we talk about when, when men are like jerking off, whacking off. It's, it's, it's just like, it's also describing what exactly not to do.
- [21:14]
E
Right.
- [21:14]
C
Like don't just rush through it.
- [21:15]
E
Don't do.
- [21:17]
C
Yeah. If you are not, if you're listening, you should watch to see that facial.
- [21:20]
D
Expression you should do to the weeds in your yard. Yes, yes.
- [21:24]
C
So I mean, yeah, absolutely. And, and you can even try different like textures. Like you might have like a silk shirt or like something like that that can help. Like use a feather if you have one.
- [21:33]
E
Right?
- [21:33]
C
Like something just really just try and experiment.
- [21:36]
D
Use the rest of your body. You know, so much of our masturbation, both men and women, is so genital focused and it like ignores every other nerve ending that we have in our arsenal of pleasure.
- [21:46]
C
And your whole body can be erogenous, if almost your whole body. Maybe not like your chin or your like elbow.
- [21:52]
D
People train themselves to do all kinds of wild sexual stuff.
- [21:56]
C
But yeah, I mean most of your body is quite erogenous. So if you want it to be like, you can. You can orgasm without ever touching your genitals.
- [22:04]
D
Yes. Yeah. Absolutely.
- [22:06]
C
Awesome.
- [22:07]
D
And try orgasmic meditation also, which is like, I recorded one. It's free on my website. Like, it just guides someone through all of those things. A breathing technique, a body scan. Like, you don't have to just figure it all out on your own. Especially if the voice in your head is like, this is dumb, or you don't know how to do this or it's not going to work or whatever. Like, listen to someone else's voice guide you through the practice until you feel the results, and then it becomes easier for you to continue to pursue.
- [22:32]
C
And yeah, I think a lot of, like, I've been thinking about this a lot. Like, men hesitate or think or really have to be convinced to, like, prioritize their sex life outside of just, like, having sex, right? Like, if it means, like, talking, like we talked about having a therapist or other things. But, like, the reality is that, like, you, like, you. You should be doing this. This is another thought that you have in your head that's limiting you, you know, and so let's think about why. Why is it stupid to care about your sex, right?
- [22:58]
D
If you're spending the time here listening, if you follow your channel, if you care about getting it right on, like, a physiological or biochemical level, like, why not take. Take one or two extra steps to really bring it across all of the levels of your. Your humanness.
- [23:13]
C
If you like that clip with Caitlin V. Neal, make sure to check out the full episode right here.
- [23:20]
F
And Doug, here we have the Limu emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug.
- [23:35]
D
Limu. Is that guy with the binoculars watching us.
- [23:38]
F
Cut the camera. They see us.
- [23:40]
D
Only pay for what you need@liberty mutual.com Liberty Liberty Liberty. Liberty Savings Ferry unwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and affiliates. Excludes Massachusetts.