Podcast Summary:

Rena Malik, MD Podcast – Moment: The Real Reason You Repeat the Same Relationships (It’s Not Bad Luck)
Date: January 21, 2026
Host: Dr. Rena Malik
Guest: Jessica Baum, LMHC (Author, Attachment & Trauma Expert)

Overview

In this insightful episode, Dr. Rena Malik and guest Jessica Baum explore why people often find themselves stuck in repetitive relationship patterns. Jessica dives into the science of attachment, trauma, and healing, dispelling myths about “quick fixes” and highlighting the necessity of real emotional work. Listeners walk away with a better understanding of how early life experiences shape adult relationships, practical advice for finding help, and a sense of hope for true transformation.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. There’s No Shortcut to Healing (00:59-03:15)

• Psychedelics & Shortcuts:
  Dr. Malik brings up the idea of people searching for rapid solutions, such as retreats or psychedelics.
  Jessica’s response:
  • Psychedelics can help catalyze growth but are not a quick fix; true change requires “integration work after.”
  • Quote [01:49]:
    “If you understand nervous system to nervous system healing, you don’t need a psychedelic because you will regress in true safety.” – Jessica
  • The essence is that durable healing involves re-experiencing wounds “in enough safety” (with someone who can provide it), so we can “receive what we didn’t get at the original time of the wound.”

2. Why We Repeat Patterns (03:15-05:44)

• The Role of the Body:
  Jessica asserts that trauma and old wounds “live in your body.” Avoidance just means that these wounds “are making choices for you” in subconscious ways.

  • Quote [03:46]:
    “If you’re listening, you’re reliving it anyway.” – Jessica
  • She shares the story of a friend seeking a hypnotist to ‘erase’ the past—Jessica playfully but firmly notes, “Good luck with that.”
  • The fear of facing unresolved parts causes us to attract situations that keep repeating the old pattern.

• Personal Testimony:
  Jessica shares her own experience working through deep wounds with her therapist—a tough but liberating journey:

  • Quote [05:27]:
    “I feel more secure and liberated and free than I’ve ever felt in my whole life. And if I could just get people get a taste of what is on the other side, they might go through the portal, you know?”

3. Healing Is an Ongoing, Vulnerable Process (05:44-08:15)

• Putting in the Work:
  Dr. Malik draws parallels to sexual health—good things (and good sex) don’t just “magically” happen without effort.
  Jessica uses client and personal anecdotes to describe the initial resistance and ultimate benefits of doing “the work”:

  • “That’s the vulnerability. There’s a sense of like resistance, you know? … Then I leave session and it’s like flowing and better.”

• The Science Behind Healing:
  Jessica explains that healing trauma requires “lending” nervous system support; therapists or trusted others can lend safety, which allows you to expand your capacity (“window of tolerance”).

  • “A lot of the memory systems live in the body.” – Jessica [06:37]
  • The process gradually makes you feel “more internal space… more safety in your system. You’re getting what you didn’t get as an infant or as a youngster.”

4. Protectors, Workaholism & Coping Strategies (08:15-09:42)

• Why We Stay Busy:
  Highly successful people often use “busyness” to avoid difficult feelings.

  • Jessica shares her own workaholism and normalizes various coping mechanisms like perfectionism, eating disorders, even addiction.
  • These are called “protectors”—they help us survive until we have the right environment to heal.
  • Quote [09:24]:
    “They’re brilliant. We need them… But when the right environment and the right people show up and we slow down, we can start to be with everything that’s inside—and that’s when we can start to heal.”

• Healing Happens in Relationship:
  Jessica: “That’s just not how healing happens. It just happens in relationship” [09:40].
  Dr. Malik echoes this importance of trusted connection.

5. Trauma’s Impact on Sex & Relationships (09:42-11:00)

• Trauma Shows Up in Sex:
  • Sexual behavior can reflect unresolved wounds (over-withholding, reenacting past abuse).
  • It’s common to seek sex for comfort but feel emptier afterwards if it’s a coping mechanism rather than a true connection.
  • Quote [10:35]:
    “Have you ever had sex and you just felt empty and you thought the sex might make you feel better, but then… you just feel empty again? It’s just another protector to try to, like, calm the emptiness inside.” – Jessica

6. The Wheel of Attachment & Tools for Listeners (10:53-13:10)

• Introducing the “Wheel of Attachment”:
  Jessica describes a new, non-linear tool to help people map varying attachment experiences “by parent, sibling, or caregiver”—showing that most of us aren’t one simple ‘type.’

  • Free download offered for listeners: “You’ll be able to get this wheel and… track kind of the different relational attachment style experiences you had in your home.”
  • The tool was created by Jessica’s mentor, Bonnie Badenoch.

• Bonus Gift:
  A 45-minute conversation between Jessica and Bonnie Badenoch, “about what it feels like internally to move from insecure to security together” is free for listeners.

7. Finding the Right Help (13:10-15:22)

• How to Choose a Therapist:
  Seek out those who:

  • Understand somatics (how trauma lives in the body)
  • Don’t try to “fix” you, but “hold space” and track your nervous system
  • Are open to working with you, not dictating/judging

  Jessica notes her book is written both for people in therapy as well as those who might heal with a supportive friend or in self-work settings.

• Fit Matters (Even with Professionals):
  Dr. Malik emphasizes that not every therapist/doctor is a fit—“please see another one” if you don’t click.

  • Jessica: “So many therapists don’t know how to hold this space… Not all therapists, some of them are fixing. Some of them are diagnosing you. Some of them have an agenda, some… don’t track you. Some don’t know how to do this work.”

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [01:49] Jessica: “If you understand nervous system to nervous system healing, you don’t need a psychedelic because you will regress in true safety.”
• [03:46] Jessica: “If you’re listening, you’re reliving it anyway.”
• [05:27] Jessica: “I feel more secure and liberated and free than I’ve ever felt in my whole life.”
• [09:24] Jessica: “They’re brilliant. We need them… But when the right environment and the right people show up and we slow down, we can start to be with everything that’s inside—and that’s when we can start to heal.”
• [10:35] Jessica: “Have you ever had sex and you just felt empty and you thought the sex might make you feel better, but then… you just feel empty again?”
• [14:24] Dr. Malik: “If you see a doctor and you don’t click—please see another one… you have to find the right fit.”

Important Segment Timestamps

• [00:59-03:15] Psychedelics, “shortcuts” in healing, and why true integration is key
• [03:46] The myth of avoidance: Why we “relive” trauma until we face it
• [05:44-06:35] Parallels between working on sex and healing emotional wounds
• [06:37-08:15] The neurobiology of trauma, memory, and the window of tolerance
• [08:15-09:42] Workaholism and other coping mechanisms as “protectors”
• [09:42-10:53] How trauma and attachment issues show up in sex and relationships
• [10:53-13:10] The unique “Wheel of Attachment” tool and free listener resources
• [13:10-15:22] How to choose a practitioner and reminders about therapeutic fit

Tone & Closing Thoughts

Throughout the episode, Jessica Baum is compassionate, candid, and science-oriented, encouraging listeners to confront deep wounds safely and with support. Dr. Malik guides the conversation with empathy and practical curiosity, emphasizing the real-life stakes—better sex, relationships, and fulfillment.

The message: If you’re repeating the same unhealthy relationship patterns, it’s not just bad luck. Patterns are written deep within us—but with the right understanding, safety, and support, they can be rewritten.