Moment: Why Anal Sex Feels Amazing for Some People (And Painful for Others)

Summary

Podcast Summary:

Rena Malik, MD Podcast
Episode: Moment: Why Anal Sex Feels Amazing for Some People (And Painful for Others)
Date: March 18, 2026
Host: Dr. Rena Malik
Guest: Dr. Frankie Bastian

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Overview

This episode explores the realities of anal sex, focusing on why it can be pleasurable for some people and painful for others. Hosted by Dr. Rena Malik, with guest Dr. Frankie Bastian, they break down myths, offer practical advice, and foster a sex-positive discussion about safety, anatomy, and emotional well-being. They also briefly touch on threesomes, porn, relationship advice, and self-sabotaging beliefs in intimacy.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Popularity & Taboo of Anal Sex

• Anal sex is increasingly popular but shrouded in taboo. Many are curious but lack guidance on safe and pleasurable practices.
  • “Anal sex is popular. It's getting more and more popular. And people don't know how to have anal sex, right. They don't know how to start the process.” (Interviewer, 01:10)
• Social stigma and negative comments are common, making open conversation essential.

2. Anatomy & Pleasure: Why It Can Feel Amazing or Painful

• Anal anatomy: The anus doesn’t self-lubricate and is ringed by tight muscles.
  • “Your anus doesn't lubricate.” (Interviewer, 02:22)
  • “It's also a muscle, so it's really tight. And we sort of have to train our body a little bit to relax and open up. And it's a process.” (Dr. Frankie Bastian, 02:23)
• Use lots of lube: Essential for comfort and safety. Water-based lubes are gentler but may need reapplication; synthetic lubes are longer-lasting but can cause reactions for some.
  • “Lots of lube.” (Interviewer, 02:36)
  • “You better have that bottle right there to reapply.” (Dr. Frankie Bastian, 03:05)
• Go slow and communicate: Comfort with your partner, slow progression, breathing, and clear feedback are vital.
  • “Breathing is a part of it to relax your body, relax your muscles.” (Dr. Frankie Bastian, 03:29)
  • “Be comfortable with the person you're with so you can give them direction.” (Dr. Frankie Bastian, 03:13)

3. Safety & Hygiene Essentials

• Use protection: Condoms are crucial due to higher STI risk and potential for bleeding.
  • “It can be messy. You want to make sure you're safe. So, you know, condom… You want to make sure that there's a base.” (Dr. Frankie Bastian, 04:09)
• Sex toy safety: Only use toys with flared bases to avoid them getting stuck. Stories of ER visits (like with Coke bottles and a broken lightbulb) underscore the importance.
  • “There's gotta be that piece to pull it out… Suction, yeah, exactly. And it just, all of a sudden it's gone. It's now in your cavity.” (Dr. Frankie Bastian, 05:14)
• Never use household objects; stick to well-made products from reputable companies.

4. Navigating Discomfort & Maximizing Pleasure

• Pain can be erotic for some, but must be managed: Tune into your own limits and communicate needs.
• Try different positions: Experimenting safely can help discover what feels best, as anatomy and preference vary widely.
  • “Move your body around, like depending on. Try different positions… So, it's exactly. It's so personal.” (Dr. Frankie Bastian, 06:16, 06:24)

5. Porn, Fantasy & Sexual Education

• Porn isn’t a good sex ed teacher: Unrealistic and often misleading, especially for young viewers.
  • “A lot of people are using porn as an example, which is not a good example.” (Interviewer, 06:46)
• Discuss how porn shapes expectations: Overexposure from a young age is a problem; it can hinder arousal and cause performance anxiety or unrealistic expectations.
  • “What is that doing to us?… Is it causing erectile dysfunction? I think it's creating problems.” (Dr. Frankie Bastian, 07:18)
  • “If they are using [porn] as their only form of sexual stimulation… it can be a problem.” (Interviewer, 07:38)

6. Aftercare: The Often Forgotten Step

• Emphasize emotional connection after anal sex: Sharing feelings and ensuring emotional well-being are crucial.
  • “Aftercare, so important… be affectionate afterwards, be in communication afterwards.” (Dr. Frankie Bastian, 08:52)
  • “If something didn't feel good, to share that. So that's noted for next time.” (Dr. Frankie Bastian, 09:09)

7. Beginners’ Tips

• Don’t rush: Start with a finger or small toy; let your body acclimate.
  • “If you haven't had it before, start with a finger or a smaller toy rather than going straight for penetrative anal sex.” (Interviewer, 09:16)
  • “The body starts to get used to it and can handle it. Right. With some exposure over time.” (Dr. Frankie Bastian, 09:28)

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Bonus Topics Covered

Communication, Fantasy, and Threesomes (10:00-13:16)

• Threesomes are a common fantasy, especially for men.
• Clear, upfront communication: Essential before and during the experience (use safe words, agree on boundaries).
  • “Communication. Communication. Communication, right. I mean that's the only way to make sure… your vision and how you fantasize about it is materialized.” (Dr. Frankie Bastian, 10:21)
  • “Some kind of safe word that everybody has access to and… that agreed upon before. Like there needs to be conversation between all three people beforehand.” (Dr. Frankie Bastian, 12:34)

Bad Sex & Relationship Advice (13:22-14:57)

• Worst advice: “If something makes you uncomfortable, just keep doing it until you’re comfortable.”
• Another myth: If you really love someone, sex should be effortless and always great.
  • “If you like someone, sex should just be great… or you shouldn't have to work at sex.” (Interviewer, 14:07, 14:20)
• Reality: Good sex takes time, communication, and often improves with self-confidence and age.
  • “It gets better with time because you get more comfortable.” (Dr. Frankie Bastian, 14:27)
  • “They have the best sex their lives in their like 30s and 40s because they are finally like free of all the body insecurities…” (Interviewer, 14:30)

Most Common Self-Sabotaging Belief in Relationships (15:10-16:39)

• Belief that 'I deserve more' or expecting mind reading from your partner leads to disappointment.
  • “They have an idea that things should look a certain way… they're set up for disappointment again and again.” (Dr. Frankie Bastian, 15:30, 15:49)
• Love languages can change over time.
  • “I used to love receiving gifts… and now it's about quality time and physical touch.” (Dr. Frankie Bastian, 16:36)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “So anal sex, so much pleasure to be had. Yes. But there's a way to do it, right.” (Dr. Frankie Bastian, 01:49)
• “Don't use household objects. Like use designed toys for, for anal play.” (Interviewer, 04:55)
• “Buy good products. There's good companies out there. Yep. There's gotta be that piece to pull it out.” (Dr. Frankie Bastian, 05:02)
• “Sex is beautiful and intimacy is beautiful. And I just, I'm very sex positive. And I don't think it's like a one size fits all.” (Dr. Frankie Bastian, 06:35)
• “If you haven't had it before, start with a finger or a smaller toy rather than going straight for penetrative anal sex.” (Interviewer, 09:16)
• “If something makes you uncomfortable, to continue to expose yourself to it because you'll overcome that discomfort.” (Dr. Frankie Bastian, 13:28)
• “If you like someone, sex should just be great.” (Interviewer, 14:07)
• “It gets better with time because you get more comfortable.” (Dr. Frankie Bastian, 14:27)
• “Love languages… can change over time” (Dr. Rena Malik & Dr. Frankie Bastian, 16:10-16:36)

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Timestamps of Important Segments

• 01:10 – Why anal sex is trending and so many have questions
• 02:22 – Anatomy: Why anal sex feels so different from vaginal sex
• 03:05 – Importance of lube and types of lubricants discussed
• 04:09 – Safe use of toys, ER stories, "flared base" explanation
• 05:41 – Bleeding, condoms, safety, and STI risk with anal play
• 06:16–06:46 – Finding pleasurable positions, personal exploration, and porn myths
• 07:18–08:20 – Porn’s impact on sex and intimacy
• 08:52 – Importance of aftercare and emotional check-ins
• 09:16–09:48 – Tips for beginners and gradually increasing comfort
• 10:21–13:16 – Discussion about threesomes, fantasies, and setting ground rules
• 13:22–14:27 – Worst sex/relationship advice and the reality of sexual connection
• 15:10–16:39 – Most common self-sabotaging beliefs in relationships and shifting love languages

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Takeaways

• Anal sex can be intensely pleasurable but requires knowledge, consent, communication, and safety.
• Use proper lube, protection, and toys designed for anal play.
• Good sexual experiences, including explorations like threesomes, demand open and continual communication.
• Don’t rely on porn as sex ed; real intimacy is personal and takes time to build.
• Emotional aftercare and the flexibility to adapt to changing desires and love languages are integral to healthy relationships.

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For the full conversation on intimate health, sexual exploration, and relationship wisdom, listen to the episode and access more science-backed discussions with Dr. Rena Malik and her expert guests.

Transcript

[REI Narrator]

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[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

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[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Action. Simon Williams audition for Wonder Man.

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[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Assuming you don't have superpowers,

[REI Narrator]

I'll never work again.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

If anyone found out.

[Interviewer]

Malolips are sealed.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Marvel Television's Wonder man, all eight episodes now streaming only on Disney.

[Interviewer]

You've talked about interesting things on your YouTube channel.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yes, I have.

[Interviewer]

Your most popular videos are. Let's start with one about how to make anal sex amazing.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yeah, Isn't that wild? That's my most popular.

[Interviewer]

Well, I think you know what it is. Anal sex is popular. It's getting more and more popular. And people don't know how to have anal sex. Right. They don't know how to start the process. So I think that's why. That's my theory.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yeah. It's also so taboo. And like.

[Interviewer]

Yeah, yeah. It's like, oh, I got to learn, like, even if they don't want to have it, they want to know, like, it can be amazing how you know.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yeah. And the negativity that I have, the comments, really. Oh my gosh, so many. And I'm like, I don't think I

[Interviewer]

read my negative comments.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

So smart. So smart. I just couldn't believe how popular it was. And I'm like, what are people saying? And that's why now I stopped. Because I don't. Who needs that negativity? I see.

[Interviewer]

We don't need that.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

So anal sex. So much pleasure to be had. Yes. But there's a way to do it, right. I think first and foremost it's gotta.

[Interviewer]

It.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

It sort of has to happen with somebody that you're familiar and comfortable with. Unless you have a lot of experience doing it where you sort of can run the show. I would say be safe by just making sure you're with somebody you're comfortable with, who you can communicate with. Because it's not like having intercourse. Right. Like our. And you probably can talk more about the, you know, anatomical specifics.

[Interviewer]

Your anus doesn't lubricate.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

It doesn't lubricate. It's also a muscle, so it's really tight. And we sort of have to train Our body a little bit to relax and open up. And it's a process. So lube.

[Interviewer]

Lube. Lube, yes.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Right.

[Interviewer]

Lots of lube.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

And this is.

[Interviewer]

And reapply lube if you use a water based one because it will evaporate.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

That came up in. I heard one of your podcasts and you had mentioned that water based is better than synthetic. And I'm thinking for anal sex.

[Interviewer]

It depends on what the purpose is. It's better for sensitive people sometimes.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yes, yes.

[Interviewer]

I think that's probably. They probably took a clip of what I said. Got it, got it.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Because allergic reactions. Right. The synthetic is harsher, but it stays slick.

[Interviewer]

Correct.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Longer base, you gotta just. You better have that bottle right there to reapply. Reapply.

[Interviewer]

Yeah, yeah, No, I agree with you.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

So, yes, a lot of lube and then also really slow and you've got to be comfortable with the person you're with so you can give them direction. Because we're all different. Our pain tolerance is different because there's some pain involved which can be really erotic and exciting and can also be a point where you've got to say, slow down. Right. Breathing is a part of it to relax your body, relax your muscles. So. So breathing, not being afraid to make sounds.

[Interviewer]

Yeah.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Which I know can be hard for people. Right.

[Interviewer]

You know, it's interesting. There's actually. So when you orgasm, there is some involuntary intonation that happens and so like you can't control it. So I find that so freeing to tell people, like, look, it's just. Your body's just going to make a noise like you are going to vocalize in some way, shape or form, oftentimes because it's just part of the orgasm process.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Happy you said that. Yeah. The other thing is it can. I mean, you want to make sure that you're using protection.

[Interviewer]

Yep.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

It can be messy. It can. You want to make sure you're safe. So, you know, condom, whatever fusing sex toys. You can put condoms over sex toy glove. You want to make sure that there's a base.

[Interviewer]

A flared base.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

A flared base. People don't end up in the ER where they're going to have to go fishing in there to get it out.

[Interviewer]

Yes. And we. You should, you should see some of the things people come in with. It is really.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Can you name, can you name one thing?

[Interviewer]

Like a Coke bottle?

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Like,

[Interviewer]

gosh, I don't know. There was something really crazy that was like a glass. I forgot it was a light bulb and it broke.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Oh, my gosh. Glass inside of them.

[Interviewer]

Yeah.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Did they, Are they. Were they okay?

[Interviewer]

They had surgery, I think, I think they were okay.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Okay.

[Interviewer]

But you know, there's a. There's, there's like. Don't use household objects. Like use designed toys for, for anal play.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yes, yes. And I always say quality. Spend a little bit of money. You don't need a ton of toys. Buy good products. There's good companies out there. Yeah. There's gotta be that piece to pull it out.

[Interviewer]

Because there's a suction.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Suction. Yeah, exactly. And it just, all of a sudden it's gone. It's now in your cavity.

[Interviewer]

There's no cervix in there. Well, even sometimes for. In some cases, women can get some, like, smaller toys stuck too, because there is a little bit of suction. So, like you have to, you know.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yes.

[Interviewer]

Be careful.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

So be careful.

[Interviewer]

Yeah.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

The other thing is that sometimes there can be bleeding involved.

[Interviewer]

Right. Which is why a condom is so important.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

So important.

[Interviewer]

Yeah. Because your risk of STIs is much higher.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yes. And then you want to be that. That's. It's just, it's gentle in there. Right. So you want to take care. You don't want to overdo it.

[Interviewer]

Right.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Because then it ends up a positive experience. Ends up being. It could, you know, being a negative experience that you may not want to do again. It can also sometimes be messy. So you just, you want to be comfortable with the person that you're with.

[Interviewer]

Right. Are there ways to do it that are more pleasurable than others? Are there like certain techniques or things that people should do?

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

I mean, it's so personal. I always say move your body around, like depending on. Try different positions.

[Interviewer]

Yeah.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Because you just never know. It's like, it just depends on your anatomy. So it's exactly. It's so personal.

[Interviewer]

Yeah.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

And explore and try different things. Don't be afraid.

[Interviewer]

Right.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Like, yeah, sex is beautiful and intimacy is beautiful. And I just, I'm very sex positive. And I don't think it's like a one size fits all. And also a lot of people are

[Interviewer]

using porn as an example, which is not a good example.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

No, no, no.

[Interviewer]

Yeah.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

So try to suspend. I tell my clients, just suspend that if you watch porn or stay, like, don't watch for a while.

[Interviewer]

Right.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

And allow yourself to be the guide. Your body knows what feels good.

[Interviewer]

Especially now. I mean, when we were younger, you had to find a magazine, you had to find a video. Like now it's just too accessible. Right. I mean, it's too easy and so it's really easy to get caught up in that, whereas I think it was a lot harder back then.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yeah. And what is do, what is that doing to us? I just had a pot in an interview where they asked me if I think that the exposure of all of this overstimulation sexual material, is it, is it causing erectile dysfunction? I think it's creating problems. If somebody is, you know, watching porn, that's their go to.

[Interviewer]

I think it just depends.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

I think.

[Interviewer]

Yeah. If they are using that as their only form of sexual stimulation and they are using it all the time and they're discrediting other things, I think it can be a problem. I think it can also be a problem when that's the only form of intimacy someone sees. And then when they're with their partner, like why am I not acting like that? Or why is my partner not acting like that? And then the psychological stress of that causes the erectile dysfunction. But I think porn can be a tool and it can be used in a very healthy way. And adults that can differentiate real sex from porn is, is fine. But that's, that's not necessarily who's seeing porn. I mean, we know now like as young as 10 year olds and sometimes younger are seeing porn. So that's scary.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yeah.

[Interviewer]

You know, and that's why I think there needs to be some, some sort of way to limit that. And I think they're trying to do age verification and things on, on in some states, but it needs to be national in my mind.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yeah, I agree. And moderation. Moderation like. Yeah, diversification, like mix it up. Right. Your only go to.

[Interviewer]

Yes, I agree. I think it's, it's better for you to use your fantasy or use something else sometimes. Right. Not all the time. You relying on the one way to get aroused.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yeah.

[Interviewer]

Because then you won't be able to get aroused in other ways.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yes. Yeah. The other thing about anal sex, aftercare, so important so you know, make sure to, you know, state like be affectionate afterwards, be in communication afterwards. You know, it's, it's intimate to share about what felt good.

[Interviewer]

Yeah.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

If something didn't feel good, to share that. So that's noted for next time. Yeah. Not to forget about the aftercare.

[Interviewer]

Absolutely, absolutely. And I would just say like if you haven't had it before, start with a finger or a smaller toy rather than going straight. For penetrative anal sex.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yeah. Because I think the body starts to get used to it and can handle it. Right. With some exposure over time.

[Interviewer]

Yeah.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

And it's familiar. And then you're like, okay, so now I know I have to breathe here. And you recognize that.

[Interviewer]

Okay.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

My body's relaxing. You know, here's where, you know, we can insert this further. Like you're able to recognize what's happening, right?

[Interviewer]

Absolutely. The other very popular video that I think we should absolutely talk about is how to have a threesome. Because I think so many people. This is a very popular fantasy. So actually I made a video on the top fantasies which I find so helpful. This is like population based data. But it's great to learn what they are and be like, oh yeah, my fantasies are pretty normal. And three sums are a very popular fantasy, especially for men. And so I think like the reality of having one. How does it work? What's the best way to make sure it works out the way you fantasize about it?

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Okay, communication. Communication. Communication, Right. I mean that's the only way to make sure that your vision and how you fantasize about it is materialized and the possibility is even. It's even there or not. I mean, you're talking about and thinking you and your partner, for example, want to bring in a third. Is that what.

[Interviewer]

Yeah, sure. Yeah, let's talk about that.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

So really sharing. Here we go. About, you know, hey, I have this fantasy. How do you feel about it? What's coming up for you about it? Are you open to it?

[Interviewer]

Yeah.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

You know, what does it look like for you? Here's what it looks like for me.

[Interviewer]

Right.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Then, you know, I've worked with clients around coming up with sort of some sort of ground rules around it. You know, like people have specific concerns. You want to consider that.

[Interviewer]

Yeah.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

And then how to. So would it. You have something in mind specifically?

[Interviewer]

Yeah, I think just like so obviously communicating your needs. But then like in the act, like how do you sort of keep that communication going while making it still be arousing? Right. Because I think there needs to be communication during the act because there's multiple genitals, there's multiple people. And so there needs to be someone directing or somebody, you know, agreeing and vice versa.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yes. So I think that all we try to do as best as we can, discuss it beforehand.

[Interviewer]

Right.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

But there are some things that will come up that are unpredictable. We may not be able to cover it all.

[Interviewer]

Yeah.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

And where beforehand it's just. That's recognized. Look, something may come up here. Let's have a sign or you know, some kind of signal that means, okay, not comfortable. Something that's subtle.

[Interviewer]

Yeah.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

So it doesn't Totally throw the mood off.

[Interviewer]

Sure. Yeah. Right.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

And it may be the third person that they're bringing in doesn't necessarily. Do they need to be privy. So that word. I don't know. What do you think?

[Interviewer]

I think everyone should have a way. Cause they may start feeling uncomfortable. Like they may start feeling like they're the odd person out.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Right.

[Interviewer]

And that may make them feel uncomfortable and like, should I leave? Should I stay? Should I, you know.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yes. So some kind of safe word that everybody has access to and to be able to communicate and have that agreed upon before. Like there needs to be conversation between all three people beforehand about, you know. Yes. No.

[Interviewer]

What's going to go where, who's going to do what.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yes.

[Interviewer]

Sort of thing. Kind of envision what it's going to be like before it happens and then that you follow that script to some

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

degree and what's off the table.

[Interviewer]

Yeah.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Some of us are just like, some people just don't want to be their breast touched. Some people don't want to have anal sex. It just needs to be stated. So.

[Interviewer]

Yeah.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

You're not in the act and someone's surprised.

[Interviewer]

Yeah.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yeah. And then feel.

[Interviewer]

Right.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

All sorts of feelings come up, like shame and guilt and.

[Interviewer]

Yeah, right. What is the worst sex or relationship advice that you've heard?

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

If something makes you uncomfortable, to continue to expose yourself to it because you'll overcome that discomfort.

[Interviewer]

So if something makes you uncomfortable, just leave it be.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yeah. Like keep, keep doing it because then you'll eventually become comfortable.

[Interviewer]

Yeah. You think that's bad?

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

It's good in some contexts, not in every context.

[Interviewer]

Right. So it needs to be taken with a sort of. You need to know what. How uncomfortable you really feel.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yes. Yes. And what, like, what's your motivation to overcome that discomfort? Yeah, exactly.

[Interviewer]

Why do you want to do that?

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yeah.

[Interviewer]

And that. Is that a good enough reason? Yeah.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Like, are you. Do. Are you wanting to overcome it for yourself? Are you doing it for somebody else?

[Interviewer]

Right. Yeah. I would say mine is that if you like someone, sex should just be great.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yeah.

[Interviewer]

Right. That's my worst advice, I think.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yeah.

[Interviewer]

People think or, or you shouldn't have to work at sex.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Right.

[Interviewer]

Like it's just natural.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Oh my gosh. That's a good one.

[Interviewer]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

It's bullshit.

[Interviewer]

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

And it gets better with time because you get more comfortable.

[Interviewer]

Absolutely. And there's, there's data on it. So like when you look at studies of especially of women, they have the best sex. Their lives in their like 30s and 40s because they are finally like free of all the body insecurities and. And they've had enough experience that they finally start feeling more comfortable asking for what they want in the bedroom and hope that may be older data, maybe that'll change now, you know, as things have evolved. But yeah. So I think it's. It takes time.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yeah.

[Interviewer]

To find your sexual self.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

I agree with all of that for sure.

[Interviewer]

Yeah.

[REI Narrator]

Yeah.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

You start, you enter like your 40s and you just don't give a shit anymore. You're like, you know what? This is who I am. This is the body I have.

[Interviewer]

Yeah. Take it or leave it.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Take it or leave it. It's very liberating.

[Interviewer]

Yeah. Looking back at like the thousands of people that you've taken care of over the years, whether it's through relationship therapy versus matchmaking, what is the single most common self sabotaging belief that people carry into relationships?

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yeah. That they, that they deserve more. This comes up all the time. Like.

[Interviewer]

Yeah.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

They have an idea that things should look a certain way. Their partner going back to the flowers.

[Interviewer]

Yeah.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Should be do. Right. That they 1. That their partner should be mind reading that they deserve these things. And what happens is they're set up for disappointment again and again.

[Interviewer]

Right. Because no one can read your mind and no one can. I mean, you may deserve, you deserve love and respect and attention from your partner, but they may not know how to give you what exactly you want

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

in the way that you're looking for it.

[Interviewer]

Right, right.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

It may like love languages. Right. Like it may show up in acts of service.

[Interviewer]

Yeah.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Quality time.

[Interviewer]

Right. And I would argue that your love language can change.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

That's true.

[Interviewer]

I agree with you. Because I used to probably be more of a like, gesture person and now I'm more of like an affection, like, you know, touch, love language kind of person. So I think it's changed over time because I remember telling my husband recently, I'm like, yeah, that's my love language. He's like, no, it's not. And I was, I was like, yes, yes, it is. Now it is.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

Yeah. That's actually making me think because I used to love receiving gifts.

[Interviewer]

Yeah.

[Dr. Frankie Bastian]

And now it's like it's about quality time and physical touch.

[Interviewer]

Yeah. Same. So exactly the same. Yeah. If you like that clip with Dr. Frankie Bastian, make sure to check out the full episode right here.

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[Interviewer]

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