The Real Reason People Keep Choosing the Wrong Partner

Rena Malik, MD Podcast
Host: Dr. Rena Malik
Guest: Dr. Frankie (Clinical Psychologist, Board-Certified Sex Therapist, Leading Matchmaker)
Release Date: January 16, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode tackles the underlying psychological reasons many people repeatedly choose the “wrong” partner, exploring how unconscious attachment patterns and societal pressures shape our dating decisions. Dr. Rena Malik hosts clinical psychologist, renowned sex therapist, and matchmaker Dr. Frankie, whose holistic view bridges science and real-world matchmaking. Together, they reveal how the digital age of dating, unrealistic expectations, and personal histories conspire to keep singles stuck—and provide actionable advice for breaking dating patterns, building real intimacy, and improving sex and relationships. Along the way, they discuss hot-button topics like communication, sex surrogacy, polyamory, and “taboo” sex acts—openly destigmatizing things people are often too embarrassed to ask.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why People Keep Choosing the Wrong Partner

• Attachment Theory: Dr. Frankie explains the power of attachment styles, family history, and past trauma in unconsciously attracting familiar (but unhealthy) partners.
• Self-awareness Gap: Most people are not good at picking what they really need—they’re often chasing what feels familiar or what societal scripts tell them they should want.
  • "We unconsciously search for people that are familiar, they match our previous experiences… Even if we consciously try to change that, it can be hard." (Dr. Frankie, 03:43)
• Role of Matchmaker/Psychologist: The combo brings objectivity, pattern recognition, and a “behavioral change” framework to help clients break those cycles.

2. Modern Dating App Culture & Social Media Influence

• Paradox of Choice: Dating apps provide the illusion of endless options, but also leave people dissatisfied, anxious, and constantly chasing better.
  • "It’s like a hamster wheel… They just stay there. It’s so hard for them to move." (Dr. Frankie, 07:40)
• Unrealistic Standards: Social media culture encourages “never settle”—raising expectations to often unachievable heights. Both men and women are affected, but it manifests in different ways.
• Validation & Normalization: Frankie highlights the need to normalize struggles, reminding clients that challenges have less to do with “not being enough” and more with social constructs and tech-fueled issues.
  • "It’s not because you don’t make enough money. It’s not because you’re not attractive enough… It’s because we have these unrealistic ideals." (Dr. Frankie, 08:04)

3. Practical Advice for Dating and Relationships

• Lowering Expectations & Staying Open: Let go of the “perfect” on paper, reconsider inflexible dating “must-haves,” and give people grace.
  • Notable joke: "Women always want, the six-foot guy, the six-figure salary, the six-inch organ…" (Dr. Malik, 07:06)
• Gendered Dating Mistakes: Men are afraid to “misstep” around chivalry; women may lean heavily on masculine energy or inflexible checklists. Respect, communication, and balance are emphasized.
  • “Polarity… that masculine and feminine energy is necessary.” (Dr. Frankie, 11:41)
• No One Is a Mind Reader: Years together teach that clear, sometimes unspoken communication and accommodating each other’s needs beats rigid roles.
  • Dr. Malik shares how she steps back at home to meet her husband’s need for respect and leadership, showing compromise is key (13:06).

4. Authenticity, Projection, and Learning from the Past

• Dating Used to Be More Authentic: Fewer options, more real-life introductions, and less “curated” online personas.
  • “It was more authentic back then. There was more trust.” (Dr. Frankie, 15:39)
• Projection Dangers: Bringing old relationship comparisons, past traumas, or insecurities into new ones sabotages possibilities.
  • Stories about partners comparing old lovers or projecting parents' traits onto dates.

5. Dr. Frankie’s Unique Career Path

• Started in film production/TV, experienced the darker side of media before being encouraged to follow her true skill as a “natural therapist.”
• Pivoted to psychology, then merged clinical work with matchmaking.
• Notable TV role on MTV’s “Are You the One?”—she helped cast and support fluid, sexually diverse contestants while educating on sexual fluidity and attachment theory.

6. Sexual Fluidity Explained

• Fluidity ≠ Fixed Labels: Sexual orientation and attraction can change across a lifespan.
  • “Some of us can be attracted to the same gender, even if we’ve been attracted to an opposite gender for years. And it can change… Nothing’s wrong with you.” (Dr. Frankie, 25:45)
• Freedom from Labels: Pressure to “pick a side” is counterproductive, especially for youth and those exploring later in life.

7. The Challenge of Commitment & Fear in Modern Life

• Society Fears Vulnerability: Both on TV and in real life, fear of abandonment and rejection drive avoidant or petty behaviors.
• Options = Distraction: With so many options, people rarely commit, worrying “someone better” is always one swipe away.
  • “We could have somebody fantastic right before us, but we’re worried about what we’re missing out on.” (Dr. Frankie, 27:37)
• How to Know When to Commit: Focus on respect, values, support, shared goals, and the ability to handle conflict—not superficial or “fomo” criteria.

8. Therapy, Self-Reflection, and Relationship Work

• Therapy isn’t about proving your partner wrong—it’s about mutual growth. Therapy reveals both partners’ growth areas, not just one-sided blame. (30:10)
• Social media and armchair experts spread misinformation, further confusing singles and creating more barriers (31:16, 32:15).

9. Real Matchmaking Stories & Breaking Through Patterns

• Example: Veteran client, late-life virginity, tackling intimacy fears via surrogate partner work (a therapeutic, professional stand-in for practicing dating/sexual skills with clinical oversight).
  • "It took like, three, four years. And...came to me with no experience and is happily married. It’s been like four years now." (Dr. Frankie, 36:41)
• Changing ingrained dating patterns takes time, repeated exposure, and being uncomfortable until new “neural pathways” form.

10. Sex Surrogacy & Training for Intimacy

• Sex surrogates (trained professionals) can gently guide people through the basics of dating, touch, and even sex, under therapist supervision.
• Ensures proper pacing, somatic awareness, and ongoing therapy connection. (40:00–41:18)

11. Polyamory, Non-monogamy, and Relationship Trends

• Rise in clients interested in various forms of ethical non-monogamy and polyamory—not just heterosexual or LGBTQ+ monogamy.
• Success requires strong emotional regulation, solid self-worth, and top-tier communication.
• “Monogamy doesn’t work for everybody. It’s not a one-size-fits-all." (Dr. Frankie, 51:52)
• Having one partner provide everything is unrealistic and puts too much pressure on relationships.

12. Sexual Compatibility, Fantasies, Openness

• Matched clients need aligned sex drives, openness, or kink interest—honesty is crucial.
  • “If somebody says that they’re really vanilla in bed, we’re not going to match them with somebody who’s kinky.” (Dr. Frankie, 56:16)
• Openness about age, race, location, and sexual interests increases match possibilities.

13. Bringing Up Kinks/Fantasies in Relationships

• Normalize sexual desires and address shame head-on; utilize frameworks like "Yes/No/Maybe" lists to open conversations safely.
  • “It’s going to be awkward. Like, it’s going to be weird… but you just can’t give up.” (Dr. Malik, 63:56)
• Use therapy/coaching to support couples exploring fantasies.

14. Practical Sex Advice

• Anal Sex: Most popular video topic; discuss with partner, go slow, use plenty of lube, use toys with flared bases, communicate before, during, and after (aftercare!).
  • Don’t use household items for anal play—medical horror stories included. (68:20–69:17)
• Threesomes: Over-communicate before and during; establish boundaries and safe words for all parties, and normalize fantasy exploration.
• Porn: Can be a healthy tool, but overuse, especially as the main form of sexual stimulation, can cause arousal issues and skew expectations.

15. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Our partners are reflecting back what we need to work on. It’s not by being on our own and being single.” (Dr. Frankie, 28:21)
• “If they could do it better, they would.” (Dr. Frankie, 31:05)
• “You just have to—you're going to have to do work on yourself...you're going to have to accept this other partner's shit. It's just different shit." (Dr. Frankie, 83:44)
• “You cannot have really great sex unless you're fully vulnerable." (Dr. Malik, 85:53)
• “Sex as an opportunity for play...where you're not necessarily comfortable, and there can be laughter and silliness." (Dr. Frankie, 85:04)

Notable Segment Timestamps

• [02:42–04:46] — The attachment theory in matchmaking; why people repeat dating mistakes
• [07:06–08:20] — “The 6-6-6 joke,” societal dating checklists, and why expectations are too high
• [11:42–13:06] — Chivalry, gendered pitfalls, masculine/feminine dynamics
• [15:38–16:09] — How online dating shifted authenticity
• [20:27–25:58] — Dr. Frankie’s pivot from TV to therapy and matchmaking; experience with “Are You the One?”
• [25:36–26:43] — Defining sexual fluidity and why it matters
• [27:10–29:34] — Fear of commitment, options overload, and how to evaluate a good relationship fit
• [30:10–31:35] — Couples therapy & taking shared responsibility
• [36:04–36:41] — Surrogate sex therapy and overcoming extreme intimacy inexperience
• [41:33–45:11] — How matchmaking clients and matches are found in practical terms
• [50:40–54:53] — Rise in ethical non-monogamy, its challenges, and self-worth
• [56:08–57:57] — Kinks, sexual mismatches, and how openness aids matchmaking
• [63:56–64:32] — How to start the hard conversations around sex and fantasy
• [65:04–73:45] — Deep dive: anal sex, communication, protection, and aftercare
• [74:18–77:13] — How to have a healthy threesome experience (rules, boundaries, communication)
• [78:53–80:28] — Realistic expectations, self-sabotage, and love languages changing over time
• [81:35–83:44] — Docuseries in development: “real” dating for all orientations and relationship models
• [85:04–86:36] — Sex as play, vulnerability as a precondition for great intimacy

Actionable Takeaways

• Self-Awareness: Examine your attachment style and dating history; patterns may be unconscious.
• Adjust Expectations: Don’t chase perfect or “checklist” partners—seek compatibility and shared values.
• Practice Communication: Be open—even about uncomfortable topics—early and often.
• Commit to Growth: Therapy and coaching aren’t about blame—they’re mutual growth accelerators.
• Build Sexual Openness: Communicate fantasies and kinks using “Yes/No/Maybe” lists, and approach novelty with vulnerability and playfulness.
• Don’t Fear Vulnerability: The best sex and the healthiest relationships depend on your ability to be seen and be honest, even if it’s messy.

Final Thoughts

This conversation is full of refreshing realism, practical tips, and compassionate debunking of both relationship and sexual myths. Dr. Malik and Dr. Frankie champion vulnerability, curiosity, and growth—as the foundation for healthy, happy love and sex in the digital age.

Learn More

• Dr. Frankie: littlegaybook.com | drfrankie.com | YouTube
• Dr. Malik’s Better Sex App: studio.com/rena