A (0:00)

This episode is brought to you by Peloton Break through the busiest time of year with the brand new Peloton Cross Training Tread plus, powered by Peloton iq. With real time guidance and endless ways to move, you can personalize your workouts and train with confidence, helping you reach your goals in less time. Let yourself run, lift, sculpt, push and go. Explore the new peloton cross training tread +@onepelaton.com this episode is brought to you by Redfin. You're listening to a podcast, which means you're probably multitasking, maybe even scrolling home listings on Redfin, saving homes without expecting to get them. But Redfin isn't just built for endless browsing. It's built to help you find and own a home with agents who close twice as many deals. When you find the one, you've got a real shot at getting it. Get started@redfin.com own the dream hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Because of our different perspective as parents, we have different perspective on life than our children do. It can be easy to miss when they're in over their heads, when they really do need our help. And so that's what I'm going to talk about today. This is especially in both the cases of the notes that I'm going to read. It's due to their experience of transitions, anything transitional that's going on in their life, it's a huge challenge for them. And as parents, we're able to see sort of the other end of the transition and where we're going, kids aren't. They're just in the middle of it and it feels like the rug's been pulled out from under them a lot of the time. And so this difference in sensitivity towards certain things like transitions can get in our way. When our child's behavior seems to be going off or we're concerned about something and we're feeling like we're not able to help them with it. So the first note I got in an Instagram message and here's what it said hi Janet, I'd love your perspective on a situation with my kids. My 5 year old has a close friend who's been consistently unkind to his three and a half year old brother hitting excluding him trying to turn my older child against him. Recently he said we should kill your brother, which was very upsetting. We told our kid at some point that if he can't tell his friend to be kind to his brother when trying to pit him against him, they won't be able to hang out. That doesn't feel right. In hindsight, we're now considering to end that relationship, but we worry whether it's appropriate to intervene and pause or limit this friendship. We are all about letting our kids handle social situations, but at the same time we're worried about not making our younger kid feel we won't protect him when things get out of hand. I'd really appreciate your guidance on how to handle this with calm leadership while protecting both children without being overbearing. Thank you so much. So I wrote back to this parent really briefly. Hi. What does your 5 year old think of all this? I don't think it's wrong to set boundaries around the friendship when the boy is being so inappropriate. I Wonder if your 5 year old might even be relieved if you did. And then she wrote back. Thanks for taking the time to reply. He seems confused about his friend's behavior. He loves playing with him, but also tells us when he sometimes says this and that mean things to our youngest or can't stop roughhousing even if my kid asks him to stop. I read this as him asking for help, but I might be wrong. When we tell him his friend seems to be having trouble controlling his body and we try to get him to set up boundaries, including towards his brother. He nods and agrees, but I feel it keeps repeating and then he emulates his behavior. For example, the other day after I contacted you, we picked up the kids from an activity his friend was also doing and they were in the middle of a punching game that ended with my kid punching his friend's father, something my kid never does, but he's seen his friend do. He's bitten and punched my husband a few times. We're not taking the responsibility off of my kid about what he did, but also wondering again if we're doing the correct thing, letting him play with him. We moved a few months ago from LA to Madrid where I'm from. He's an extremely social kid who thrives when he has a best friend and losing his friends was hard. Also, his school just closed down and they're now being homeschooled which which feels like going through another social loss. Plus here it is not a popular option and that makes it harder to find community. All of this might be playing a role for all of us in this problem and not being able to see what the right option is here, including maybe in my kid not being able to set up boundaries. I hope this answers your question. Apologies for the long letter. Okay, so yes, this parent I think really sees what's going on, but maybe not quite to the extent that I'd like to help her see it, which is seeing how challenging it is for a young child, he's only five years old, to set boundaries with a playmate. That's not an easy thing. And what she's saying about being unsure because of the transition and her child wanting a friend and all this, all of these uncertainties that she's feeling, those are all feelings that her son is having in all this transition. Moving houses, changing schools, moving countries and wanting to have a friend. And now he has this friend who's having difficulties. It sounds like he's behaving inappropriately and harmfully. I believe that her son needs help and I know that's been one of her instincts, but I want to encourage that. Yes, there's this wonderful intention that we have to allow children to navigate social situations as much as they are able. I'm actually writing about this right now about babies in my new book that's coming out in August. This is one of the last chapters I'm writing, so this is fresh in my mind how important it is. We want to give our children the confidence that they can handle social situations with peers as much as possible. But in this case, this boy is showing that he can't handle what's going on, that it's too much for him. That's why he hasn't been able to set the boundary. But I'd be very surprised if a five year old who was feeling vulnerable, who really, really wanted a friend and was all about connection, which is how children are at this age. They want to make friends. It's hard for them to judge, oh, this isn't the best friend and I should just let him go and find another one. No, of course he wants it to work out with him and that's a sweet thing, but he needs help in setting this boundary. I get a lot of questions from parents where they share that their child is on a playground or has a friend over and the roughhousing gets out of control. Or on the playground, a child is hurting their child and they really have this commitment, or it seems like they do the parent to wanting to give their child the confidence of being able to deal with social situations. That's a very positive thing. But we don't want that to overtake our own sensitivity to the situation and attunement to what's actually happening here. I think a lot of the time with parenting everything seems sort of all or nothing like you either Immediately soothe your child's crying, or you're letting them cry it out. There's nothing in between. Or you're hovering over your child in social situations, or you're just letting them go play without you monitoring it at all. And I'm not saying parents intentionally do this at all, but it's kind of the way advice is put out there when it's just in little sound bites and we don't have a lot of time, and we just want it to be simple. Right. But human relationships are nuanced. And it seems like this parent in this situation is so in tune with her child, but she's doubting herself, because I think she's trying so hard to allow him to navigate this. But to the extent that she's maybe not taking in her son's point of view and everything that he's going through right now, how much he wants us to work with this friend, and how impossible it's going to be for him to set boundaries. So, anyway, I would encourage this parent to end the friendship for a while, unless there's situations where she can be there monitoring and giving boundaries, which might be a really wonderful thing for all the children involved, all three of the children, her two sons and the friend. Because this boy, this friend is crying out for boundaries. In my opinion, he's not getting what he needs for that reason, not even for my son's protection, but for this other child. If he was at my home, I would be all over that. With kind boundaries, I would be, oh, no, I'm not letting you do that. No, you know what? While you're in our home, we insist that you be very kind to both children. If you can't do that. We still love you, but we can't have you in our home. So that kind of loving but very clear boundary and following through with that, which may mean the end of a friendship for a while or for always, but that's being loving towards all the children involved. I had this wonderful experience with Mr. Chaz, who, as some of you know, I'm, like his biggest fan. He's a wonderful friend. I love his work. I'm a big believer in what he does. He's been on this podcast at least twice, and we did an event together for parents in New York City in an Off Broadway theater. It was a Q and A session. It was so much fun. I'm really looking forward to doing something like that again. It was interesting that most of the time we agree on everything. But there was one question where Mr. Chaz and I disagreed, or Mr. Chaz gave an answer. And then I said, well, I actually have a different opinion on that. And I thought that was a great thing, that we could do that in front of a bunch of parents, because these are nuanced questions, and nothing is like cut and dry. And, yeah, different people will have different opinions. And that's a good thing. It's a good thing to question ourselves and to look at all the possibilities and decide what feels right to us. So somebody asked this question about this child that was coming over to their house, and the kids were roughhousing, and it was going too far for this parent's son. He was complaining about it, and the parent wanted him to set boundaries with his friend, but he didn't seem to be able to. And Mr. Chaz, again, who I adore, believed that the parent should let them figure it out. And in a lot of situations, I think I would agree with that, but not when a child's getting hurt physically, not expecting a child to assert a boundary with another child. So I said, you know what? I would. Not even for my own child, but for that other child. I would be on that at my house. I would be noticing it from afar. This is getting out of hand. I'm going to stop you guys. And if that child kept seeking that kind of rough behavior, then I might say, you know what? I don't think this is going to work out today. Let's get you home, and we'd love to have you back another day when you're feeling like you can be calmer and you can listen to my son when he's saying no. Because I feel like we're just doing a disservice to that child. Not only our own child, but that other child, by not giving them the boundaries that they're clearly lacking and seeking. So, anyway, you're all welcome to disagree with that, but that's how I feel. And I feel in this case, this parent is really on the edge. Like, she knows, but she's doubting it because, oh, my child needs a friend so bad, but it's because he needs this friend so much that it's extra hard for him to stand up for himself and his brother. And he's, I believe, feeling very, very uncomfortable in this situation, because most children would when this person's crossing lines that they want to be with, but it's like, oh, what do I do? This doesn't feel right to me. So it's for both the children's good and for this parent's peace. Of mind that I would let this go for now because it doesn't sound like this child is in the right space. And maybe I would talk to this parent of the other child and say, you know what, I feel like he's needing help that we can't give him when he's here to not do these things. So there's no judgment on anybody. It's just caring. It's caring for that child and caring for our own child at the start of the year. I've always tended to rethink my finances. Paying down debt, building an emergency fund, planning for big milestones like my kids education or even buying a home. The problem was in the past I was mostly just tracking what I'd already spent. Not very helpful. Monarch gives me the tools I need to be proactive and actually plan ahead. Why not set yourself up for financial success this year? Monarch is the all in one personal finance tool designed to make your life easier. It brings your entire financial life, budgeting accounts and investments, net worth and future planning together in one dashboard on your phone or laptop. Feel aware and in control of your finances this year and get 50% off your monarch subscription with Code Unruffled. So it's not just about tracking expenses. I can do that with bank statements and credit card bills, right? Monarch helps me focus on the future with a complete picture of my financial situation and what I need to do to hit my goals. Set yourself up for financial success in 2026 with Monarch, the all in one tool that makes proactive money management simple all year long. Use code unruffledonarch.com for half off your first year. That's 50% off your first year. At monarch.com with code unruffled we collect hundreds of photos on our phones. Most of us holiday celebrations, family trips, sporting events, baby's first step, first birthday, first day of preschool. But for the most part, that's where these precious memories live right on the phone. Journey Print makes it ridiculously easy to finally do something meaningful with them in just minutes. You can turn your digital photos into beautiful high quality photo books simply drag and drop. And Journeyprint's smart algorithm organizes everything by date and handles the layout for you. Just like that, you're telling a story. And the quality, it's so good. Thick pages lay flat binding and your choice of matte or glossy finishes. Personally, I've got a zillion pictures of our dog Diego with the kids. He's a bit of a ham, so I made a book. It took all of five minutes and I gave copies to all my kids, a photobook is something real and tangible you'll cherish forever and enjoy sharing with friends and family. And so much easier than scrolling through your camera. So go to journeyapp.com podcast unruffled and use the code unruffled to get 30% off your next purchase. That's journey spelled J-O-U R N I app a P-P P.com podcast unruffled and Use code Unruffled at checkout. Okay, so here's one more question. It's a totally different topic, but somehow I'm going to connect these because this, I believe, also is a parent that's maybe not realizing the effect that all these transitions are having on her child. Hi Janet, A friend recommended your podcast and books when my twins were very young, and your approach has consistently felt aligned with how I want to show up as a parent. I don't think I've missed an episode in the past two and a half years. I'm hoping to get your guidance on a transition we're currently navigating About a week ago, my twins began climbing out of their cribs at night, so we removed one side and transitioned them to more open beds. Since then, bedtime has become incredibly difficult. Before this, bedtime was predictable and relatively smooth. I feel like I've tried everything I know to do. I set clear expectations ahead of time, let them know we'll follow our usual routine, and explain that after books and songs I'll be leaving. I've told them I'll come back to check on them, and I do. I've also tried staying in the room and singing or sitting quietly until they fall asleep, but that seems to make things worse. It can drag on for hours and they don't settle. What's hardest is that when I try to leave, one twin in particular becomes extremely upset, crying, screaming, and physically holding onto my leg. It breaks my heart to close the door when he's in that state, but paradoxically, those are the nights they fall asleep the fastest and seem to get the sleep they need. When I stay, bedtime stretches late and they're clearly overtired the next day. I feel torn between what feels emotionally right in the moment and what seems to serve their actual need for sleep. On top of this, we've had several big life changes recently. We welcomed an almost three month old newborn who is exclusively breastfeeding and we moved to Houston shortly before her birth. I can feel myself getting more frustrated than I want to be, even though I'm trying very hard to stay Calm and regulated. I'd love your perspective on how to think about this transition and how to support them through it in a way that's respectful, connected, and sustainable for all of us. Thank you so much for everything you share. So a lot of huge transitions going on here. You know, it's. It's interesting, though, because as parents, we do put it in a different kind of perspective than our children are able to. So it might seem, okay, this makes sense, right? We're going to move them out of their cribs because they're climbing out. We got to put them in open beds. But the timing of that, with these other transitions that are going on, the move the baby, which is the biggest one of all, actually, to me, it's. I would expect your children to be even falling apart more around this. So, I mean, one of the things I would consider is if there was any way to make their beds safer for them, like, you know, pull the bars down enough where they could climb out safely and be on a soft surface when they climb out, that there's something there so that they're not falling out of it and still have that sense of nesting that a crib gives children. Because this is another thing that we miss as parents, like the way we see things. Oh, great, you got a big boy bed or whatever. This parent didn't say that. But it's like this open bed, and our child's used to this cozy nest that is discomforting, right? That all of a sudden you're wide open, you've got choice to roll out and get up, and it's so easy, and you don't have that cozy nest. That's the only bed that you knew your whole life and got comfortable in. And now you have to make this big change. So that change alone is often a really, really difficult change. And in the context of these other transitions, that's impossible for most children. I mean, the main thing with both of these notes, more than any particular action that you take or words that you say or whatever, is to really understand your child's point of view and the depth of what's going on here. So these twins are falling apart right at nighttime. It's not cozy. Everything's changing in their life. There's all these new things to take in, and now this. They can't have this sameness of their bed. They are getting the sameness of the routine and everything that's wonderful that this parent's doing that, but it's still a big challenge. And so what I would say, if there Was any way to make these beds cozier and feel more nested, I would look at that. Beyond that, there might be more times during the day that her children could vent about all these changes. I don't know when that would come up. It often comes up just with children pushing a limit and us keeping that in the back of our mind that, you know what, they must have a lot of feelings to venture. And the more my child can vent them during the day, the easier it will be for them to sleep at night. As this parent noticed, when they have these big cries. Right. The one child, then they sleep better. So seeing that more as a positive thing and a part of the process, a part of this transition, that there's feelings. And this is also true. For in that first situation of the boy moving and changing from schooling to homeschooling, Children can adapt to all of these changes, but not without having feelings about it. We do ourselves a service to be aware of that and be ready for any moment that our child seems to be having an unreasonable emotion. We can almost assume for sure that it's due to these changes and welcome that, accept that, knowing that it's the most positive thing that could be happening. So if this is happening at night, though, let's just look at what she's actually dealing with. Keeping in mind all of this, trying to make these beds more cozy if she can, Trying to be more open during the day to all the times her children may need to vent, and then knowing that they may well have feelings stored up that they need to vent at bedtime. So trying to welcome that in stages, too. Okay, now I'm going to go. And you know what? If you need to cry and try to hold on to me, you can, my love. Yeah, I know. It's so hard to make these changes. So not just saying words, acknowledging what our child's feeling, but really, really connecting with them there, understanding that, welcoming them to be upset. Yeah, this is a lot, right? And you're having a hard time with the transition. It's not even that there's less crying necessarily or even less of a struggle, but it's our attitude about it that can make the difference. Because when we don't go into these situations with our annoyance and fear about it, I mean, we're still maybe going to have some, but hopefully less when we realize, oh, my gosh, of course they're doing this. Look what's going on right now for them. Look what's going on right now in our family. Of course it's going to Be this messy, screamy, crying thing that can make it all less heavy, that can make it all flow a little bit smoother, because we're not getting scared by it and annoyed by it and pushing back on it or trying to fix it, we're rolling out the red carpet going, yeah, of course you don't want me to leave. Of course you don't. You got a different bed here. We're doing our best to have you feel cozy, but, yeah, it's a lot, my love. It's a lot. And you can yell at me, I'm going to take your hands off, but you can yell at me as I'm leaving. I am going to check on you. But, yeah, you got a right to feel like that. Believing in that ourselves, it changes the whole dynamic because we're always the ones setting the tone, right? So when we can relate to what's going on, when we can understand our child's point of view and when our expectations are in order as to what they should be able to handle right now, and that they're going to have feelings about things that are going on, just as we probably have our own feelings about these changes. But they're not able to put it in context and put it in perspective to them. They're just in it, right? I mean, this is the great thing about children. It's like they're in the moment, they're in life, and we're kind of always looking ahead or thinking about the past or, you know, it's harder for us, right. Just to be in life, but they are, and they're expressing it. So by seeing these situations through our children's eyes, they can be clearer for us. They can help us know how to handle them and make them maybe a little easier for our child when we can. But also know that feelings are part of it, and that's okay. In fact, our kids have a right to have these feelings. And this boy in the first story has a right to be upset that. That we're saying we're not going to have him see his friend for a while, but there will be a part of him that's very relieved, just like I said to the parent. And I think the parent knows he's in over his head and he can't be the one to make this better. He needs help. This is why our children need us. Or else they could do it all themselves, right? Anyway, I hope some of this helps. I hope it's clear. Thanks to both these parents for reaching out to me. They're both obviously very caring and involved and perceptive about what's going on. So I just want to encourage them even more to take in their child's experience and realize that when children can express feelings about changes in their lives, they can totally handle them and learn from them and grow from them. And for much more detail and a very deep dive into all of this stuff to really be able to internalize what it feels like to have strong boundaries from this relational perspective, Please check out my no Bad Kids master course@nobadkidscourse.com consider if that might be for you. Also, all of the resources on my website, free for you to read and the podcast every topic under the sun all together you'll get this perspective. If it sounds good to you, it's certainly saved me. And thanks so much for listening. We can do this. Toogood and Co Coffee creamers are made with farm fresh cream, real milk and contain 3 grams of sugar per serving. That's 40% less than the 5 grams per serving in leading traditional coffee creamers for a rich delic experience. Whether you enjoy your coffee hot, cold, bold or frothy, two good coffee creamers make every sip a good one. Two good coffee creamers Real goodness in every sip. Find them at your local Kroger in the creamer aisle.