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It's been a long winter, cold, wet with a lot of indoor time. But spring is here, which means it's time to start thinking about a little refresh. Not a full renovation, just a few easy swaps that make the whole place feel lighter, brighter, and slightly less February. Wayfair is here to help. Whether you're on a mission for something specific or just browsing, you'll find inspiration for every space and budget. I describe my style as compared to cozy cottage. I'm drawn to soft, natural fabrics, warm colors, pieces that maybe don't technically go together but somehow do. And Wayfair is my happy place. Couches, side tables, artwork, candles, and I never have to leave the house. I found a circular braided rug that fits perfectly in my workspace and a gorgeous bamboo end table that I'm pretty sure I saw in a local store for three times the price. Same vibe, very different price tag. No matter what you're looking for, start at Wayfair. Great ideas, practical solutions, a huge selection, and prices that make redecorating feel a lot more doable. Find furniture, decor and essentials that fit your unique style and budget. Head to Wayfair.com right now and shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I R.com Wayfair Every style, every
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Study and play come together on a Windows 11 PC and for a limited time, college students get the best of both worlds. Get the unreal college deal everything you need to study and play with select Windows 11 PCs. Eligible students get a year of Microsoft 365 Premium and a year of Xbox game. Pass ultimate with a custom color Xbox wireless controller. Learn more@windows.com studentoffer while supplies last ends June 30th terms at aka mscollegepc. Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today I'm going to be responding to a question. It's actually my favorite kind of question because this scenario this parent shares just has so many angles to it. Some of them are on the surface and there's other parts to this that are really important that are much more nuanced and easy to miss. The topic is sharing. This parent is interested in her child's process around learning to share. Her child is only two and a half years old and this is something we want for our children right along with other character traits and manners that we want to nurture in them. Now, it's often easy to think of teaching children in this very simple way. We teach them to share by making sure, they share, maybe insisting that they share. But interestingly, this is not how children actually learn. What we really want them to learn, if we think about it, which is not just how to perform certain manners, but to develop the character. In this case, to develop a generous spirit where our child wants to share because they like to help somebody else feel good, and that makes them feel good, and it's just a kind thing to do. So all of these manners, whether it's saying please and thank you or apologizing or sharing what we're looking for here as parents, what's going to really teach our children to do these things when we're not looking, you know, when we're not there, making sure they do it, and is that they've learned through their own experience that this feels good, that this is a positive way to be, and they've learned that through us demonstrating it with them, that we're generous with them in our spirit, that we share with them when we can, that we apologize, that we make amends, that we admit when we're wrong, that we are polite, you know, all of these things, that we're not going to be perfect at all. But if we can even get that some of the time, that's where children are getting their information. That's what's going to help them to be able to perform in these ways that we want them to perform. In other words, it'll help us when we understand the way children actually learn, which is sometimes different from the way we want to teach them. Now, the parent with this note is definitely on the right track. She gets something that's really important, which is that sharing is voluntary. Magda Gerber said it best. She said it first. There's a lot of people saying it now in different ways, but she was the first one to say this. So simply and clearly. When we make a child share, that's not sharing. And what that means is that's not our child learning to share. They're learning that they have to do what we want them to do and that we're going to be mad at them if they don't. So, anyway, now I'm going to read you her note, and I think that will help you see some of what I'm talking about. And then I want to go through it and acknowledge what this parent already knows, which is that she doesn't want to force her child to share. I also want to help this parent see some things that aren't as a parent, things that we can easily fall into, that can get in the way of a child learning what we want them to learn. So here we go. Hi, Janet. I'd be interested if you could cover sharing as a podcast topic. Here's a recent situation in my house. My husband, My son, aged 2 and a half, my parents and myself were sitting down for dinner at home. My son had blueberries on his plate as he specifically requested them for dinner. No one else had blueberries. My son was scarfing down blueberries, and my dad said, can Grandpa have one of your blueberries? And my son said, no. My dad then tried to convince him to share one. Oh, you're making me sad. I said, it's okay if he doesn't want to share his blueberries. And my dad said he needed to learn to share. I said, he was two and a half years old and forcing sharing doesn't teach actual sharing. My dad disagreed. The next day, my dad had a small ice pack on his knee. My son said, I want an ice pack. I said, let's go get one from the freezer. We only had a very large one left. So I suggested he go ask his grandpa to trade. His grandpa did trade him, but not without giving me grief of, what if I don't want to share? Why do I have to share? I truly believe my son didn't have to give up a blueberry, even just one, if he didn't want to. But I'm at a loss for how to easily explain this to my parents, especially my dad. He grew up in a very strict household where they weren't really allowed to feel their emotions. My dad was the kind of person to say, stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about. I would really appreciate hearing your thoughts on your podcast. Thanks. So, like I said, I love this because there's so many angles to it. The first thing to notice here is Grandpa asked a question that wasn't an actual question. He asked, can I have one of your blueberries? And if we ask children a question, by doing that, we're allowing them to have an answer, right? So if possible, we want to try to avoid false questions. So if Grandpa really believed that it was important for him to force his grandson to share, then it would be clearer and easier for him to learn by Grandpa saying, I need you to give me some of those blueberries, rather than asking his grandchild a question that he wasn't going to accept the answer to. We can forget how important clarity is when children are learning clarity and consistency, right? So when the little boy said no, then Grandpa tried to convince him with oh, you're making me sad. So that's kind of an emotional manipulation, right? We don't want to do that to children. Also, we don't want them to feel like they have so much power to cause feelings in grown ups. And you know, I'm pretty sure this boy knew that his grandpa wasn't actually feeling those things. But still, it's uncomfortable for children and it definitely doesn't teach kids with the kind of clarity and consistency they need. So then this parent stepped in and said it's okay if he doesn't want to share his blueberries and grandpa said he needed to learn to share. So I agree with Thad there that he does need to learn to share, but the way to teaching that effectively is not as direct as this dad is thinking. And then as his parents said, she believes her son didn't have to give up even one blueberry if he didn't want to. And I agree with that too. But one thing I recommend keeping in mind, and it's one of my foremost rules for myself and what I try to encourage in other parents is let go of what you don't control, which is what everybody else is doing, right? We don't control the way our partner is reacting or responding or communicating with our child. We don't control our parents and other relatives and the types of ways that they engage with children and the relationship that they're building. We don't control our child's emotions. We can't make them happy when they're not feeling happy. And we can waste a lot of emotional energy and bandwidth worrying about or wanting to change and fix what other people are doing. I'm not saying this parent is feeling like that, but she is understandably frustrated. She feels at an impasse here in terms of this issue with her parents. And I'll just say though that if this grandparent indeed was in a stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about mode, at one time he's come quite a long way, he's doing a different thing. But it's not harsh like that. Right? He's just kind of doing a teasing, coaxing thing instead, which he doesn't need to do. That doesn't teach kids the kind of manners and respect that we want them to learn. So zooming out on this situation, there's some other things going on here that I see that I think might help this parent and other parents. As I said before, children don't learn in this direct way that we just tell them to do something and they learn to do that. They are actually learning all the time. They're absorbing all the messages in everything we do with them and in everything they see us doing with other people. They're taking in messages about who they are to us, what they need, how people relate to them, how they want to relate to other people, and what I see here. And of course, this is obviously just a snapshot, so I don't know the extent of this, but in this snapshot, I see two things. First, I see that this little boy specifically requested blueberries for dinner, and no one else had blueberries. Well, I'm not sure if this little boy always gets to decide his dinner and that it's different from everybody else's and that he gets to have this sweet fruit for dinner. But I think that on some level, Grandpa was reacting to the sort of princeliness of that in his grandson. And again, considering that this grandparent came from a much more authoritarian way of thinking, he's come a long way in that all he did was try to coax his grandson to give him some. But, you know, this is a child who, like a lot of children, and I did this with my first child, at first, the child getting what he wants is a priority in this family and takes precedence, maybe even over, I don't know, having a healthy, balanced meal or us all sharing together certain parts of a meal. There's a feeling that they want to please this boy. And again, there's nothing wrong with that. We all want to please our children, right? But often we can get. And this happened with me, again with my first. It had to be pointed out to me eventually that we kind of get focused on that. And underneath that is we really don't want to see our child get upset, that we don't like when our child reacts because they didn't get what they want. So therefore, it is a priority for us to give them what they want. When children feel that coming from us, they start to feel that, too, that they need to get what they want, that not getting what they want is. And being disappointed about that or upset about that is intolerable. That makes it harder for a child to want to share because they kind of get stuck in this role where they feel like their wants come before a lot of things. And, you know, children tend to feel this way as babies and toddlers, that they're the center of the world and all that. But we can feed into that literally, in this case, by prioritizing their wants instead of always giving them what they need. But not always what they want when it isn't that appropriate or sometimes doesn't even make sense. In this case, it's not completely unreasonable. But is that really appropriate that he have blueberries for dinner when everybody else is having a balanced meal? But again, I'm not saying never do this, don't do that. I'm just opening up the other elements that are going on here and the messages children take from that. So this child has this impression that they get to have blueberries for dinner. Again, in itself, it's not a big deal at all. And I'm not saying I wouldn't do it, but. But it's something to consider. And it's common for parents when we've been raised in that more authoritarian way where our needs and wants definitely don't come first. And that's made very clear to us that what our parents want comes first. What they want from us, how they want us to behave. It's common when we're doing this brave thing of wanting to shift generational cycles to want to take it really far the other direction. I felt like my parents were the center, all right, my child is going to be the center. But a child doesn't want to be the center as much as we might think. They want to feel like a child that's part of a family that doesn't have so much power because children need to erupt. They need to express what we call negative feelings. Often that's just part of their emotional health, and they're building resilience, being able to handle life. There's a lot of disappointments. There's a lot of times you don't get what you want. You know, your parents are doing their best to give you what you need, and when you don't get what you want, they can hear that and empathize with it while still making these decisions for you. So this is a small thing, right? Blueberries, who cares? But that stuck out to me as a place that children can be in. That makes it very hard for them to let go of things and share them, because they're holding on to this thing of getting what they want. And then the next day, the grandpa has an ice pack on his knee, and the little boy says, I want an ice pack. And the mom goes and gets one from the freezer. One way we could look at that is like, oh, well, that's so easy for me. I can get him that, of course. And I can get them the blueberries, no problem. Why wouldn't I give my child what they want? When it's so easy for me because I think in this case, it's really not that appropriate that our child needs an ice pack. Presumably, Grandpa has a sore knee and needs the ice pack, but an ice pack isn't a toy. So why does our child need us to get up and go get him an ice pack? So we could answer that with, oh, you want what Grandpa has? Grandpa has a sore knee, and if you had something sore, we'd for sure get you an ice pack instead of going right away to wanting to get it again. I so feel where this parent is coming from wanting to do that. It's a trap that we can fall into that makes it harder for our child to feel comfortable and settled enough to let go and share and be a person that sometimes gets what they want and oftentimes doesn't. When he doesn't, we can be very respectful about that. Be clear, this is what we use that for. I'm not going to get it for you. And then if he says, no, I want it, I want it, I want it. Ah, you really want it, but that's for when you're hurt. So we're not going to do it. And to let him fall apart about these seemingly minor things that represent this throne that he's kind of stuck on, it's not a comfortable throne for him. And I think again, that unconsciously, Grandpa sensed that, you know, is being a good grandpa going along with it, but kind of wants to get him off that throne. So this parent understands that her son isn't going to learn sharing by being forced to share, but he's also not going to learn sharing when everybody around him feels forced to please him, or maybe forced is too strong a word, feels they need to please him, even if it means sharing, trading, or getting up and going and getting him something special that he really doesn't need at all. So I don't know if this all sounds harsh, but I think this is where our respect for children and our brave path to shifting generational cycles can become sort of permissive and indulgent. And that's going to bring up different issues for our child than maybe what we've had with the authoritarian upbringing, but ones that are just as uncomfortable and difficult.
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When my kids were little, we used to love taking short family vacations together. I mean, I wouldn't call traveling with three kids relaxing, but those trips, the memories, the laughs, the time together, I wouldn't trade those bonding experiences for anything. Great Wolf Lodge is built around that kind of family time. At Great Wolf Lodge, the adventure is all under one roof. A massive indoor water park with a wave pool, a lazy river, water slides the whole family can ride together and it's always a perfect 84 degrees. No weather drama, no sunscreen wars, all splash, no stress. And the overnight rooms are really reasonable compared to a lot of destination spots. There are plenty of food options on site, which matters when you've got tired or picky kids, and they do little extras like nightly dance parties and other activities for the kids. With more than 20 lodges around the country, there's probably a Great Wolf Lodge just a short drive away. So if you're looking for a getaway where the whole family can unplug and laugh and make some memories together, bring your pack to Great Wolf Lodge. Learn more@greatwolf.com and strengthen the pack. Greatwolf.com. So how do we teach sharing? We teach sharing by respecting our child and where they fit in the household. Respecting that they need to express their whole range of emotions on a daily basis or an hourly basis. That they want to be part of a family, not the priority for everyone when it comes to these little things that will always give them what they need. But one of the things they need is to have adults who are leaders and okay with them having the natural disappointments in a day when they're demanding this and that, however sweetly they're demanding it. And we're not going to make a point. Well, I'm just not going to get it for you because I'm going to teach you this lesson. But we think about it. Why does my child need this? It's really not appropriate. That's clear, that's respectful and that teaches them all the things we want them to learn. Respect for other people's boundaries as well as being able to assert their own politeness, empathy for their stage of development and trust and Belief in them and their place in the family, which is being a little kid and not having to point my finger and say, I want this and I want that and then having the grown ups obey me. So yes to I don't want to share more, but not to I want this, I want that, do this for me when it doesn't make sense and when it's a little bit uncomfortable or awkward or just weird. I mean, he didn't need that big giant ice pack. And grandpa could say, you know what? I like this one. This fits fine, I'm going to keep this one. And that would be a beautiful way to handle that. Standing up for ourselves as adults. That's what gives children the sense of calm and comfort that allows them to let go rather than be stuck holding on. So yes, that's what I would look at the power dynamics in the house as well as all the things this parent already sees, which is the, the politeness, having a mature response, having an empathetic response, being confident in setting reasonable boundaries. It all goes together. And children learn all of these things from us just treating them like human beings deserving of respect and treating ourselves like that too. And to finally answer this parent's actual question, which was how do I easily explain this to my parents? Here's what I would consider instead of trying to explain. It's so interesting. All the parents that I've worked with over the years, I notice, and I've noticed this in myself too, that when we have an issue where we think the other person, whether it's our partner, our relative, somebody else is doing it wrong and we want to try to explain to them how to get this, oftentimes there's actually something that that other person is seeing and responding to that we can learn from. As in this case with the way the grandparent was seeing that the child was sort of, you know, the center of the household in that way. So I would take a look at that and then maybe instead of explaining, I would actually cop to my parent and say something like, you've been thinking about it. And he's actually right in that boundaries and sharing need to go both ways. That our child needs to learn that it's a good thing to share and also that they don't have to, but that the other person doesn't have to share with them either. That sharing needs to be a two way street. And then of course, most importantly, use the power that you have. Model the approach that you want others to learn. It's as simple as that. I hope some of this helps. And thanks again to this parent for her great question. I really hope some of this clarifies everything we teach. Our kids can come to us quite naturally when we believe in them as capable people, immature people. We want to be the more mature one in the relationship, of course, but they're just as aware, conscious and capable of feeling all the emotions, facing disappointment, standing up for themselves, discovering what works and doesn't with other people. Those are all things that they learn through experience. Thank you so much for listening. We can do this.