CLASSIC: The Smooth-talking Takeover of Tabor Bridge: "Yes And-ing" Your Way To Victory

Summary

Ridiculous History Episode: CLASSIC: The Smooth-talking Takeover of Tabor Bridge: "Yes And-ing" Your Way To Victory Release Date: June 7, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of Ridiculous History, hosts Ben Bowlin and Noel Brown delve into an astonishing tale from the Napoleonic Wars, highlighting the clever tactics employed by French marshals Jean Lon and Joaquim Murat to secure victory without firing a single shot. The episode combines historical insight with the hosts' signature humor, making it both informative and entertaining.

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Historical Context

[00:50 - 05:06] The episode sets the stage during the Napoleonic Wars (1803-1815), a series of conflicts where Napoleon Bonaparte sought to expand French influence across Europe. Ben introduces the key figures: Jean Lon and Joaquim Murat, two of Napoleon's most celebrated marshals.

Notable Quote:

• Ben (00:50): "This is another war story. This is a war debacle."

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The Tabor Bridge Incident

[05:06 - 12:33] The focus narrows to November 13, 1805, near the town of Spitz on the Danube River, where the Tabor Bridge plays a pivotal role. The French marshals aim to cross the bridge into Vienna but face stiff resistance from Austrian forces led by Carl Osberg.

Notable Quote:

• Noel (05:06): "Napoleon had designs on extending that title to as much of the world or the lands that he could get to as humanly possible."

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The Characters: Jean Lon and Joaquim Murat

[07:05 - 10:01] Ben provides detailed backgrounds on the marshals:

• Joaquim Murat: Born in 1767, rose from humble beginnings to become the King of Naples, noted for his charm and military prowess.
• Jean Lon: Born in 1769, another esteemed marshal praised by Napoleon for his strategic genius.

Notable Quote:

• Noel (07:05): "Joaquim Murat was born in 1767 and became one of Napoleon's most celebrated marshals."

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The Con Strategy: "Yes And-ing" to Victory

[12:33 - 31:20] Jean Lon and Murat devise an unconventional plan to deceive the Austrians:

1. Approach with a White Flag: They calmly walk across the bridge with a small entourage, signaling a truce.
2. Distraction Tactics: As negotiations stall, French troops secretly approach.
3. Handling Suspicion: An Austrian sergeant attempts to sabotage the plan by igniting a fuse to blow up the bridge. Jean Lon swiftly intercepts, diffusing the situation with charm and authority.

Notable Quotes:

• Ben (14:23): "They just kind of sauntered across the bridge, waving this white flag of retreat."
• Noel (20:35): "It's a real cock and bull story."

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The Aftermath and Consequences

[31:20 - 35:55] The deceptive tactics lead to the Austrians reconsidering their stance. An Austrian officer arrives, and under the persuasive pressure of the French marshals, Carl Osberg believes the armistice is genuine, resulting in the peaceful transfer of the bridge to French control. However, shortly after, the true intentions of Lon and Murat are revealed, leading to the Austrians' capture.

Notable Quote:

• Ben (34:04): "He handed the bridge over to the marshals. Not a shot was fired."

Consequences:

• Carl Osberg faces court-martial for negligence but is later pardoned.
• The incident underscores the effectiveness of psychological warfare and deception over brute force.

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Host Commentary and Humor

Throughout the episode, Ben and Noel infuse their storytelling with humor and modern analogies:

• Comparisons to Pop Culture: Comparing the bridge takeover to Ocean's Eleven and cartoon antics akin to Bugs Bunny.
• Humorous Asides: Joking about Napoleon's height propaganda and the marshals' suave appearances.

Notable Quotes:

• Noel (15:07): "It's got this kind of Ocean's Eleven vibe."
• Ben (23:22): "Picture him just kind of like straddling the cannon, crossing his legs, pulling out his pipe..."

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Conclusion

Ben and Noel conclude the episode by reflecting on the ingenuity of Lon and Murat's strategy, praising their improvisational skills and smooth-talking prowess. They encourage listeners to share more unusual war stories and express excitement for future episodes exploring more Napoleonic shenanigans.

Notable Quote:

• Noel (36:43): "Yes. And. Ing their way to victory."

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Notable Moments with Timestamps

• [00:00] Ben introduces the concept of smooth-talking and "Yes And-ing."
• [05:06] Introduction to the Napoleonic Wars and key figures.
• [14:23] Explanation of the French marshals' deceptive tactics.
• [20:35] Description of the Austrian sergeant's attempt to sabotage.
• [34:04] Carl Osberg's mistaken transfer of the bridge.
• [36:43] Hosts encapsulate the episode's theme with a clever pun.

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Final Thoughts

Ridiculous History delivers a captivating blend of historical facts and comedic storytelling, bringing to life one of Napoleon's lesser-known yet fascinating wartime maneuvers. The episode not only highlights the strategic brilliance of Lon and Murat but also entertains listeners with its engaging narrative and lively banter.

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Stay Connected: For more episodes and historical tales, follow Ridiculous History on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Share your favorite ridiculous war stories and join the conversation with fellow history enthusiasts.

Transcript

[Ben]

Fellow ridiculous historians, what is the. Is there a moment in your life where you really impressed yourself with your bedside manner, your smooth talking ability? Have you ever. Yes. Anded your way into a ridiculous situation? Because we have.

[Noel]

I love the idea of like having good bedside manner with yourself and like being impressed by it. No, it's true, Ben. Bedside manner is important. And in 1805, two Frenchmen found themselves in quite the. What do they call those things? Cornichon. You know, the little pickles. That would be Jean Lanay and Joaquim Murat, who needed to cross the Danube at the Tabor bridge, which is a series of three bridges, actually, in order to reach Vienna. This is another war story. This is a war debacle.

[Ben]

A little bit of a war.

[Noel]

Oopsie.

[Ben]

Yeah, this is also a. This is a great conversation story. This would be cool to make a into a film for the ridiculous history cinematic universe because as we'll see, folks, these guys clearly had to have had, had to have taken something like an improv class. And we're going to journey with them as they con their way through those three bridges without firing a single shot.

[Noel]

This is an iHeart podcast.

[Casey Pegram]

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[Noel]

Picture this. You're halfway through a DIY car fix, tools scattered everywhere, and boom. You realize you're missing a part.

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It's okay because, you know, whatever it is, it's on ebay.

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[Ben]

Ridiculous history is brought to you by Grainger.

[Noel]

If you work as a maintenance manager, your facility is your home turf. And your home feel advantage is having a partner like Grainger.

[Ben]

They offer trusted professional grade products for every industry, from lighting and electrical to safety and everything in between, plus next day delivery. Which is why they always come through in the clutch.

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Just like you. Call 1-800-granger. Click granger.com or just stop by Granger for the ones who get it done.

[Casey Pegram]

The NBC Nightly News legacy isn't handed.

[Noel]

Down or NBC News.

[Casey Pegram]

I'm Tom Brokaw.

[Ben]

We hope to see you back here.

[Noel]

I'm Lester Holt. It's carried forward. Tom Yamas is there for us.

[Ben]

Firefighters are still working around the clock. As the world changes, we look for what endures. We are coming on the air with breaking news right now.

[Noel]

We look for a constant and from one era to the next.

[Ben]

Next trust is the anchor for NBC Nightly News.

[Noel]

I'm Tom Yamas.

[Tom Brokaw]

A new chapter begins NBC Nightly News with Tom Yamas.

[Noel]

Evenings on NBC.

[Ben]

Ridiculous History is a production of iHeartRadio. Bonjour Ridiculous historians and welcome to the show. We'd like to begin by giving a profound and sincere thank you to Napoleon Bonaparte who has done so much for this program.

[Noel]

Yeah, man, he, you know, he taught us how to love again.

[Ben]

He taught us that rabbits can be a threat. He taught us that a little bit of chutzpah goes a long way.

[Noel]

Yeah. He taught us about the inherent beauty of a swan like neck and a luxurious ringlet filled mane.

[Ben]

Yeah. We are going to talk about one of Napoleon's officials who epitomized that. But first things first. I'm Ben.

[Noel]

I'm Noel.

[Ben]

And we are joined with our super producer Casey Pegram. Give it up for him, folks.

[Noel]

I don't know why I sound so downtrodden when I said that. I was just trying something new, trying a new cadence, you know, I don't know.

[Ben]

And sometimes we need to try new and unorthodox things when the traditional methods aren't quite working or even when we need something new.

[Noel]

Ben, your mastery of the Segway never ceases to amazeballs me.

[Ben]

That's very kind, man. Thank you for saying so. Our story today takes place during the Napoleonic wars.

[Noel]

Oh boy. You know those Napoleonic wars, it was that conflict that lasted from around 1803 till 1815 where Napoleon, it was like Napoleon, Napoleon versus the world or at least Europe. But he had overthrown during the revolution the French revolutionary government and installed himself as grand high conquering emperor of France. And you know, he had designs on extending that title to as much of the world or the lands that he could get to as humanly possible.

[Ben]

And whomever it was that gave us a shout out for calling it a mixtape of European powers. Voltron in together.

[Noel]

That was you do you said that we're a team. No, dude, I mean I'm glad to be part of your Voltron, but you are clearly the head.

[Ben]

Oh no, no, no. We're a team. And if we were, if we did have a hierarchy, I think we could both agree. Casey is the head.

[Noel]

I am. No, no, no. I am the left shoulder. Casey is like the torso or maybe the sword. And you, sir, are the head.

[Ben]

The reason I like the comparison of Casey being the head, and I appreciate this, but the reason I like the idea of Casey being the head is because, folks, the podcast you are hearing now has been spun from straw into gold by our super producer.

[Noel]

Oh, well, I think it's a. It's a team effort there as well. We're all kind of spinning straw into gold, but Casey, in particular works magic. He's a magic mouseman.

[Ben]

Yes. There we go. I like that. And our story today is similar in terms of spinning straw into gold. It takes place on the 13th of November in 1805.

[Noel]

So just a couple years into this massive conflict.

[Ben]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Just a couple years into this conflict that will continue until 1815 for 10 more years. Right. There are two marshals in Napoleon's forces, and they are battling Austrians near a town called Spitz, which is located on the Danube River.

[Noel]

Yeah. Which is, I believe, near Vienna. And you said this was in Austria. So they were fighting the Austrian forces, who were. Were no slouches. They were pretty intensely good at war and defending their territory. Right. So as you said, the French were being led by these two marshals. One of them was named Jean Lanay. Casey.

[Ben]

Cool.

[Noel]

Jean Long. Jean Long.

[Ben]

Casey on the case.

[Noel]

I like Jean Long.

[Ben]

It's great. Who's the next guy?

[Noel]

The next guy. I think I got this one. No, I don't think I got this one.

[Ben]

Joaquim. Murat.

[Noel]

Murat. Murat. That's clear. Murat. Murat. And Joaquin. Is it? Joaquim. Joachim.

[Ben]

Joaquim. Yeah. Joachim.

[Noel]

I don't know, Casey. I think in French it's Joachim.

[Ben]

Joachim.

[Noel]

Joachim. Joachim. Something like that. Yeah. Joachim. Okay, I think they. Yeah, the J is a little more apparent.

[Ben]

Joachim. Or what?

[Noel]

Okay, double case, double time, double time. Casey on the case. Right. And this dude, actually, he was Jake Napoleon. Murat.

[Ben]

Yes, Dash. Napoleon. Marat.

[Noel]

Isn't it funny that he got the guy's first name as a weird little sub name for marrying his sister Carolyn? You'd think he would have gotten a Bonaparte hyphenate in there, but no. No, sir. He got a Napoleon in there.

[Ben]

Now, let's talk a little bit about these guys before we get to their adventures. So at first, it looks like they're not Going to have a great day. Tensions are running high. Joachim Murat, or Giacino Murat was born in 1767 and he became one of Napoleon's most celebrated marshals. As a matter of fact, after this day that we discuss in today's episode, he later become the King of Naples. He was the son of an innkeeper. Unlike Drake, he actually did start from the bottom. He studied briefly for a career in the church, but he enlisted in a cavalry regiment in 1787. And when war broke out in 92, he was rapidly promoted. And when Napoleon was trusted with suppressing a royalist insurrection in 1795, Marat joined up. And Napoleon liked him so much. And specifically his contribution in bringing cannon to bear one of places an aide de camp to Bonaparte for the Italian campaign in 1796 and 97. So by the time 1805 rolls around, this guy is seasoned. And we don't want to judge people on appearances, but I think the three of us can agree this guy has some amazing portraits of himself.

[Noel]

Well, they all do. All of these French military dignitari were super well dressed in these outfits that just don't seem very functional for battle.

[Ben]

Super garish. He was also a real smoke show. His. He looks like a hair commercial.

[Noel]

Oh, I know, it looks like a commercial for product for like a home perm kit or something.

[Ben]

I was thinking Clairol, Herbal Essences, Neither of which are sponsors of our show. We're just making a comparison.

[Noel]

But we'll take it.

[Ben]

But we will take it. If you are listening, Claire, all Herbal.

[Noel]

Essence or maybe some kind of relaxer, I don't know.

[Ben]

Yeah, yeah, like you said, some kind of perm kit. But he and his compatriot, his fellow marshal, Jean Lon, he was born in 1769 and he would go on to become one of Napoleon's most prized generals. Napoleon, when speaking of Jean Lon, famously once said, I found him a pygmy and left him a giant. Which is a very self aggrandizing way to look at somebody's success.

[Noel]

Well, that's also kind of interesting considering what people say about Napoleon's height, you know, as though he was able to lift men up from small stature to.

[Ben]

Giantude, which we did establish was British propaganda.

[Noel]

Oh, really?

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Noel]

I choose to still like to believe it.

[Ben]

He wasn't actually extraordinarily short.

[Noel]

I told a friend of mine that I was doing an episode, we were doing an episode of Napoleon today and she sent me a gif of a cartoon of Napoleon riding a very, very small horse. Looking very sad. The horse, not Napoleon.

[Ben]

Yeah. It was one of the most effective propaganda campaigns in Western history. So back to this day, November 13, 1805. Jean and Joachim are guiding their forces, as you said, Noel, on their way to Vienna. But there's a very important bridge that they have to cross. It's the Tabor bridge.

[Noel]

The Tabor bridge or Tabor bridge? I don't know. I'll go with that. I support that. Listeners, don't bother writing us in with your particular pronunciations of it unless you really feel strongly about it. We might. I don't know. It'll still annoy us. That's fine. We love you, though. We love all of you. Each and every one of you. Casey's pronunciation corner, real quick. Yeah, sure. Just so I get it out there, the pronunciation would be mira more than murat. Okay, but. But because you always run into these situations where everybody says it a certain way in English, so you kind of get used to saying it that way. Totally. And it's kind of obnoxious in a.

[Ben]

Way if you say in.

[Noel]

In an otherwise English language sentence. Oh, that's right. That's right. But we also were kind of putting on some slightly effective French accents.

[Ben]

But is it. Okay, so it's. Is it at level of pretension that going into Taco Bell and ordering a quesadilla?

[Noel]

Surely not.

[Ben]

Surely it's not that bad.

[Noel]

Yeah. Okay. While we still have you, Casey, what about the bridge? Is it in France or is it. Yes. No, it's. Oh, it's in Vienna.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Noel]

Yeah. So who knows?

[Ben]

I don't know. Casey. On the case adjourned.

[Noel]

Yeah. Casey's jurisdiction is only in French.

[Ben]

That's right.

[Noel]

French regions. Yeah.

[Ben]

So. But still, thank you for showing up and thank you for doing the right thing and recusing yourself. You know, that's very honest.

[Noel]

As the resident little German boy of the podcast, I would like to throw my dice behind Tabor.

[Ben]

Tabor.

[Noel]

Okay.

[Ben]

So these guys, Lannes and Murat, see this bridge, and they know that the Austrians, their forces being imminently experienced and very well aware of the importance of the bridge, and they know that these enemy forces may destroy the bridge entirely unless they do something. And they can't do the usual Napoleonic tactic of running up there en masse because the bridge will just get destroyed that much more quickly. So instead these two guys. And this is great, these two guys decide to run a con job. They don't run up with the forces, you know, banners and guns blazing, somebody drumming behind them and all that jazz. Instead of they walk up to the bridge casually, a little bit of a stroll, and they're waving a white flag, and they've just got a small group of. A small group of people with them.

[Noel]

A little envoy, right? And lest we forget that the Austrians had the bridge rigged to blow already, right? There were, like, fuses, like, at the ready so that they could, like, you know, send this thing into the river.

[Ben]

Upon first sight or force upon first.

[Noel]

Sight, because they knew. And they were instructed by their. Their commander, who is a guy named Carl Osberg, to defend their territory at all costs and not let the French cross the bridge. So they were prepared for this scenario, but there was this nice little subterfuge going on here. They just kind of sauntered across the bridge, like you said, waving this white flag of retreat. Of truce.

[Ben]

Right, yeah, of truce. And this is commonly understood to mean that there will be some sort of parlay, some sort of conversation rather than a conflict in. And they meet. You know, the Austrians at this point are dumbfounded. They're thinking, what's happening? They already have their adrenaline pumping. They're ready to fight. And then these two French marshals, they say, oh, guys, funny story. Quick update. An armistice is about to be signed, meaning we'll enter into a time of peace. And due to the negotiations, this bridge actually belongs to a French forces. And we're on the way to make it official with your boss.

[Noel]

Karl, I do just want to say, too, that it's also possible that the Austrians were just taken aback by the sheer sex appeal of these two French generals.

[Ben]

Oh, with the flowing locks.

[Noel]

The flowing locks. They're sauntering down these bridges. And by the way, the Tabor bridge, it was not just one bridge. It was a series of bridges. There were three bridges, and the first two were set to burn. Cause they were wood, I imagine. And then the third one was actually rigged with munitions, the third one being the one closest to shore or to land.

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That's okay.

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I'm good. Seriously.

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Really, I'm fine.

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[Noel]

See t mobile.com so. Oh, I love this. The guy named Ausberg, by the way, Auersberg, I believe, is how you would pronounce it. This is his title was Field. Marschel. Lieutenant.

[Ben]

Yes. All one word.

[Noel]

All one word. I love these long German compound words. They're great.

[Ben]

And he was also not around when this happened. So the Austrians in charge. And as you said, Noel, it's a series of bridges. They were going for the main bridge that crosses the Danube. Most directly, Karl is not around at all. And while the marshals are sort of vamping and convincing these folks that, hey, we don't have to fight and armistice is pretty much official at this time, let's all chill a little bit. While they're doing all this smoke and mirrors, their actual French troops are sneaking slowly toward the bridge as Laon and Murat are walking across the bridge with the Austrians.

[Noel]

Yeah, because these guys are kind of a little bit dumbfounded. They were sort of taken aback by this. They're trying to confirm these reports. It's not like they have any kind of mobile communications technology. They're obviously running couriers or radio. Sending a runner. Yeah, of course. So they had to hop to and find out if this was true. And that's why it was such a tactical feat of genius, because they literally just kind of confused them to the point where they weren't paying attention. And they were able to get their guys pretty casually across the bridge.

[Ben]

It's got this kind of Ocean's Eleven vibe.

[Noel]

Very much so it's like a bridge heist.

[Ben]

Yeah. In terms of the con. So things do get sticky. They don't completely go according to plan because as they're waiting, as the marshals are waiting for the French troops to get close enough to the bridge to make a difference in a fight or. Or save it from being destroyed, one Austrian sergeant decides that he does not buy this tale.

[Noel]

Smart man.

[Ben]

Yeah. That this is all cockamamie. That if it's too good to be true, that usually means it is.

[Noel]

It's a real cock and bull story.

[Ben]

And so this guy surreptitiously begins to. Or starts to light a fuse or tries to. He's got matches in his hand. He's about to just blow the bridge up.

[Noel]

Yeah. And doesn't our boy Murat just daintily st snatch it from him?

[Ben]

It was lan.

[Noel]

Excuse me. Yeah. Jeanlon.

[Ben]

Yeah, Jean Long. So Jean Lon snatches the match from this guy's hand and he says, you know what, pal? A truce has been signed. And that means that you're destroying public property. Cuz we're not in an act of war. And if you try that one more time, I will have you arrested. Off to prison with you.

[Noel]

So we've talked about these munitions that were rigged to, you know, blow up the bridge, die Hard style. But they had some guarding their side of the bridge, these Austrians, didn't they, Ben? They had some heavy weapons.

[Ben]

Yeah, they had an artillery force with cannon and the cannons were preparing to fire on the grenadiers who were standing behind the marshals.

[Noel]

Now, by the way, I just want to clarify this with you, Ben. Were grenadiers wielders of grenades or is this just another name that was pre the invention of the grenade? Because that seems like a little bit more of a modern device to me.

[Ben]

They were specialized soldiers, soldiers that were first established, I guess, in the mid to late 17th century, 1600s, for throwing grenades. That's what they did. They were usually going to be the strongest and largest soldiers because they could throw the farthest.

[Noel]

That's right. So the grenades, more or less as we know them today, were definitely used during the Napoleonic conflicts, during his era.

[Ben]

At least the basic principle.

[Noel]

The basic principle. So maybe, maybe more along the line, maybe a little bit less. I don't know. There's not a whole lot of moving parts in a grenade. It's sort of just like a metal piece of dynamite with a fuse, more or less. Right, yeah.

[Ben]

Pull, throw.

[Noel]

Yeah, Release the, whatever the latch.

[Ben]

The Krakens.

[Noel]

Yeah, the Kraken, please. So these, there's a really amazing account where. Who is it? Is it Murat or Lalle who distracts one of the cannon operators by straddling the cannon? I'm picturing it in a slightly come hither way, I don't know why. As if he like laid on it as though it were a grand piano, you know, and like, I don't know why.

[Ben]

Yeah, so the grenadiers are on the other side of the bridge still, or they haven't walked all the way across it at least. And Jeanlon sees the artillery about to fire on the French forces. And so as you said, he hops on the cannon and just lights a pipe and starts smoking.

[Noel]

See again, picture him just kind of like Straddling. The cannon, crossing his legs, pulling out his pipe, and just never like breaking the man's gaze, lighting his pipe and just being like, what?

[Ben]

Doing a Basic Instinct.

[Noel]

Doing a bit of a Basic instinct. Yes, yes, I am picturing that and I'm sticking to it. That's what my imagination says and that's what I'm saying out loud.

[Ben]

And so here's where Murat comes into play. This really is a two person con. So there are several sergeants there and the sergeants are gonna be battle tested and they typically are gonna be a little bit better at seeing through a rus discerning a tactic. And one of the sergeants continues saying, look, this is a trick. Do not trust these evil French forces. These guys are clearly doing a snow job on us. And then Murat says to the Austrian officers, you guys gonna let an enlisted man talk to you that way? I don't know how it works in the Austrian army, but we don't tolerate that as French officers. So I don't know what kind of, what kind of circus you all are running here.

[Noel]

These dudes powers of persuasion and distraction are second to none, my friend. Second to none. This is fabulous stuff.

[Ben]

And the Austrian officers are like, Marat goes on, we don't know exactly what he says, but he goes on for a little while and he's dressing down the officers because he's like horrified and offended on their behalf. And so eventually the officers are so, I guess ashamed and humiliated or like.

[Noel]

In a tizzy or something.

[Ben]

Yeah, yeah. Because, you know, officers see each other as equals, right? So they're essentially screwing up by allowing this insolence to occur. And so they order that sergeant arrested and imprisoned. And can you imagine being that poor Austrian sergeant? You know, you're correct. You know it's a trick and now you're going to jail.

[Noel]

This whole thing plays out like one of those episodes of Bugs Bunny where he convince like he's a girl rabbit or whatever just to get his way. Or he poses in some disguise and is able to gaslight some poor hapless SAP like Elmer Fudd into doing just the thing he needs him to do to have him win the day. Does this not strike you as that it's just these Austrians and it's gonna come around to haunt them, acted in just utter incompetent ways that just defy any kind of logic. So all I can do is I can only assume that these guys were not complete and utter idiots. You know, the Austrian army had a good reputation for having their stuff together. But they were no match for the wits of these two Frenchmen, were they right?

[Ben]

Exactly. And so at this point, they're still trying to convince all the Austrians an armistice has been reached. It just happened so recently that you guys haven't heard of it. Again, implying something might not be great with your army. And at this point, another Austrian officer arrives and they do the whole dog and pony show. Again, an armistice has been signed. This bridge belongs to France. It's public property. We're not at war. What's the big hubbub?

[Noel]

Yeah, and if you blow this bridge up, then you're liable for destruction of public property.

[Ben]

You adults, you're essentially a terrorist.

[Noel]

This is gaslighting 101, dude. No, it's not even 101. This is advanced level Gaslighting.

[Ben]

This is high intermediate at the. At the very least.

[Noel]

Yeah, it's a real ship show here, Ben.

[Ben]

Yeah, and gaslighting is just for anyone who is fortunate enough not to have known that phrase beforehand. Gaslighting is when you deceive or manipulate someone by making them think that they are crazy.

[Noel]

That's right.

[Tom Brokaw]

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[Lester Holt]

Hi, I'm Cindy Crawford and I'm the founder of Meaningful Beauty. Well, I don't know about you, but like, I never liked being told, oh, wow, you look so good for your age. Like, why even bother saying that? Why don't you just say you look great at any age? Every age. That's what Meaningful Beauty is all about. We create products that make you feel confident in your skin at the age you are now. Meaningful beauty, beautiful skin at every age. Learn more@meaning beauty.com.

[Casey Pegram]

Horsepower 0 to 60 times. These are among the benchmarks when considering a new vehicle. But Lexus believes there are some things immeasurable, things that matter more. Awe, Exhilaration. Joy. How a cabin feels like it was crafted with you in mind. The way an engine note resonates with your soul. Because a car that doesn't make you feel something is a car that stops short of amazing. That's the standard of amazing Lexus experience. Amazing.

[Noel]

Hi Zoe Saldana. Welcome to T Mobile. Here's your new iPhone 16 Pro on us.

[Lester Holt]

Thanks. And here's my old phone to trademark.

[Noel]

You don't need a trade in. When you switch to T Mobile. We'll give you a new iPhone 16 Pro plus we'll help you pay off your old Phone up to 800 bucks and you still get to keep it.

[Lester Holt]

There's always a trade in.

[Noel]

Not right now. @ T Mobile.

[Lester Holt]

I feel like I have to give you something in return for karma.

[Noel]

That's okay.

[Lester Holt]

I don't really have much in my purse. Oh, let's see. Hand sanitizer. It's lavender.

[Noel]

I'm good.

[Ben]

Seriously.

[Lester Holt]

Let me check this pocket. Oh, mints.

[Noel]

Really, I'm fine.

[Lester Holt]

Oh, I have raised reasons. I'm a mom. Wait, wait one sec. I've got cupcakes in the car.

[Ben]

It's our best iPhone offer ever.

[Noel]

Switch to T Mobile, get a new.

[Ben]

Iphone 16 Pro with Apple intelligence on us. No trade in needed. We'll even pay off your Phone up.

[Noel]

To 800 bucks with 24 monthly bill credits. New line 100 plus a month on experience beyond Finance Agreement 999.99 and qualifying ported for well qualified plus tax and 10 connection charge. Payout via virtual prepaid card below 15.

[Ben]

Days credits ended if you pay off.

[Noel]

Early or cancel see t mobile.com.

[Ben]

So what does this officer do, this new on the scene officer when he learns the news?

[Noel]

Well, I mean at this point they really need an adult in the room, right? You know, they really need to consult with the grown up. So he runs to get Auersberg, the field marshal lieutenant who was in command but but seemingly a bit of an absentee commander. So they really needed to consult with this guy. Cause they were just running around like chickens with their heads cut off at this point.

[Ben]

And the French forces now they're still approaching Austrians have no idea what to do because it's a cost benefit thing. If there really is an armistice, then they are in deep, deep fudge if they shoot at these French forces.

[Noel]

This is like a who's on third Kind of like situation. I mean, it really is. Yeah.

[Ben]

And the, the French soldiers have been told by the marshals, like right before they went off on this crazy con job, they've been told, guys just walk forward like nothing's wrong. Just like walk forward like you're not in a war.

[Noel]

I just think it's so incredible that like all the information they're getting is coming from the enemy, all of it. And they're acting on it as though it's like, you know, to be believed. And the one guy, the one guy who said, hey, maybe we should slow our roll a little bit and like, you know, take a couple steps back and think on this. He gets arrested and like put in the stocks or whatever by his own people. Yeah, this is some, some Bugs Bunny malevolence right here, my friend.

[Ben]

And I'm picturing this Benny Hill soundtrack playing softly under a lot of this.

[Noel]

Sure. I'm just picturing these Austrians just running around like juggling stuff and just tripping over each other and just prat falling for days. All on this bridge.

[Ben]

Yes. And we have to mention too, this stuff, once it begins happening, once these two guys walk up with their forces, it happens pretty quick succession.

[Noel]

I think this could have been. This could be like a sitcom episode. One episode.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Noel]

I think that's about how long it could in real time play out as like a 25 minute television sitcom.

[Ben]

Why don't we just do a season of various hilarious things from the Napoleonic wars, get Larry David to write it and then put it on hbo.

[Noel]

Yeah. Can't you picture the part where Napoleon and his dudes are getting swarmed by the bunnies and it's just dun dun dun ba da da da da da. It's like right away.

[Ben]

Exactly. I think that's perfect. Especially Benny Hill and Larry David were work on. And Seinfeld works for this too, because as the forces from France march onto the bridge, they actually get on the bridge. They're being super chill about it. Everybody's being cool. They're just strolling up there sauntering. Maybe a sashay or so for anyone who was a suppressed actor. And as they're walking up, the Austrians are panicking. They're realizing we're not at war. Hip hip hooray, kalu kalei. What a wondrous day. And so on. And they start physically throwing all the explosives that they had prepared for blowing up the bridge into the Danube. They just threw them away. Get them out of the way. The French are coming. We're friends now.

[Noel]

Yeah, yeah. Really, really. Ill advised.

[Ben]

So Carl shows up. I love calling him by his first name. Yeah, Carl, Karl, get over here. We have an armistice. So Karl shows up and he sees the French marshal and all their forces on the bridge. He sees his own men throwing away all the explosives. And Carl looks around and he goes, huh? Well, it must be true. They've got so far with this. You know, it's clearly this. I mean, this is good news for us, right?

[Noel]

Really? You think he thought that. You think he wasn't just immediately outraged?

[Ben]

He. No, he thought it was true. And so he handed the bridge over to the marshals. Not a shot was fired. And the entire thing.

[Noel]

Oh, God.

[Ben]

But then immediately after handing over the bridge, they became prisoners of war. The French took them prisoner and they're like, wait, what?

[Noel]

Wait, no, wait. What?

[Ben]

What? Casey, can you cue up that. That curbed?

[Noel]

Yeah, yeah, like that.

[Ben]

So what happened afterwards, Noel? I mean. Cause Napoleon's not on the scene at all.

[Noel]

He's not on the scene, but yeah. Napoleon had nothing but praise to heap on his brother in law, old Joaquin Napoleon Murat. And he had a really cool nickname for him, by the way, which was the first horseman of Europe and his compatriot, Jean lan. And he basically said that they had achieved a feat of strategy and that he was very proud of them and they were good little boys and he gave them pat on the head and you know, probably some kind of military commendation. Who's to say the Austrian side did not fare quite so well in terms of the praise that was heaped upon them. Because there was none.

[Ben]

Right, right. There was not any. It's a great story, but yeah. You can only imagine the ignominy of that. And Karl himself is later court martialed, convicted of negligence, rightly so, cashiered and stripped of all his honors. Later, he is pardoned and actually reinstated. So this hilarious mistake did not follow him for all of his days.

[Noel]

I don't know, man. I feel like it probably did. That's a pretty embarrassing thing to have been in charge of.

[Ben]

Yeah. Hopefully he learned better critical thinking skills.

[Noel]

Yeah, well, he wasn't even there. Right. Like all this stuff, he came later. He came later. And he. You would have thought that he could have put it together, but it's just. I cannot believe that these French guys outsmarted their enemies at literally every possible time in this story.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Noel]

Smooth I can't get over the one guy that was like, wait, but, but, but it's like the kid in the horror movie that knows there's a monster but no one will believe him, you know?

[Ben]

Yeah, yeah. Or the. The one person who gets called crazy in the first third of a horror movie. Yeah, It's. It's insane. I can't get over just the. The sheer amazing confidence. And as someone who does comedy outside of. Of the studio here, I'm very impressed with their improvisational skills. They were just. Yes. And. Ing their way to victory.

[Noel]

Yeah, that's a good way of putting it. We should put that as the subtitle of the episode.

[Ben]

Hey, that's not a bad idea, Noel. Yeah, let's do that. And this concludes our most recent installment of hilarious stories from the Napoleonic Wars.

[Noel]

There's a lot of them, man. I'm excited to get into some more. Surely, surely we have done exhausting them yet.

[Ben]

Yeah, true. Let us know what other strange and funny war stories you have found, especially if they involve Napoleonic shenanigans. In the meantime, we do hope you enjoyed this episode. As always, we want to give a big thanks to Casey Pegram for once.

[Noel]

Again saving the show and our immortal souls.

[Ben]

And Noel's immortal soul.

[Noel]

I. Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have spoke. I shouldn't have lumped you.

[Ben]

Well, I had a. I got this ongoing negotiation.

[Noel]

That's fair.

[Ben]

We also want to thank our recurring guest and research associate, Christopher Haciotes.

[Noel]

Yeah, man, he pitched at us earlier about making that thing a regular occurrence, and I want to bring it up to you right now. I think it's a golden idea.

[Ben]

Yeah, I already wrote back to him.

[Noel]

Cool.

[Ben]

And said much the same.

[Noel]

Yeah. Good, good. So we're in agreement, my friend.

[Ben]

So we are in agreement, and we hope that you agree. It would be fun to check out our other stuff on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.

[Noel]

Yeah. And I swear, Ben, on all of our shows, we need to, you know, we need to follow the lead of our pals in LA who do a much better job of maintaining their own social media accounts. You know, they got the stories, they got the gifts, the boomerangs and stuff. We need to do more of that. I'm gonna throw down the gauntlet right now and pledge that we're gonna try to start doing that. You know, if we don't follow through, don't hold it against us too harshly, but, you know, I want to change. I want to be better.

[Ben]

Gotta be the change.

[Noel]

Yeah.

[Ben]

Do we have anything else we're supposed to mention.

[Noel]

I don't think so.

[Ben]

I mean, thanks to Alex.

[Noel]

Thanks to Alex Williams, who composed our theme. Thanks to Yves Jeffcoat, who did not work on this episode, I believe, but is a font of knowledge. Thanks to you, Benjamin, for that dapper checkered shirt you're wearing today.

[Ben]

Thanks to you, Noel Jamin. You have a nice shirt as well.

[Noel]

I do. You're right. Thank you, Ben Casey.

[Ben]

Can I see your shirt? Just clean the.

[Noel]

Yeah.

[Ben]

Casey's killing it, too.

[Noel]

He really is. And I think we're all going to go and have a drink and a bite of food at our local haunt after we wrap up here, because we are, in fact, real friends. This isn't just a show.

[Ben]

Yeah, we do hang out an inordinate amount of time. We probably spend more time with each other than we do with our girlfriends.

[Noel]

I don't have a girlfriend.

[Ben]

Yeah, well, you know what I mean.

[Noel]

I'm working on it.

[Ben]

All right, well, that's it until next time. So stay tuned. The end.

[Noel]

For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

[Casey Pegram]

Horsepower zero to 60 times. These are among the benchmarks when considering a new vehicle. But Lexus believes there are some things immeasurable things that matter more. Awe, Exhilaration. Joy. How a cabin feels. Feels like it was crafted with you in mind. The way an engine note resonates with your soul. Because a car that doesn't make you feel something is a car that stops short of amazing. That's the standard of amazing Lexus experience. Amazing.

[Noel]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway, now through June 24th. Score hot summer savings and earn four times the points.

[Ben]

Look for in store tags on items.

[Noel]

Like Pringles, Ritz crackers and chips, sliced soda, Wonder buns and bread, and natural choice lunch meat. Then clip the offer in the app.

[Ben]

For automatic event long savings. Shop in store or online for easy.

[Noel]

Drive up and go pickup or delivery. Subject to availability restrictions apply. Visit Albertsons or Safeway.com for more details.

[Lester Holt]

Traveling is one of life's greatest joys. Honestly, can anything be more exhilarating? Well, actually, yeah. With Chase Sapphire Reserve, it's your gateway to the world's most captivating destination. First, you'll earn three times points for travel and dining. And the card gets you into the Sapphire Lounge by the club at select airports nationwide and access to one of a kind experiences. Whether you're booking a once in a lifetime trip or your next weekend escape. Discover more with Chase sapphire [e-mail] Sapphire Reserve cards issued by JPMorgan Chase Bank. NA member FDIC subject to credit approval terms apply.

[Ben]

This is Bowen Yang from Las Culturistas.

[Noel]

And I'm Matt Rogers, and we're the hosts of Las Culturistas. It's Pride Month, and you know what that means. Friendship parties. Dance. Correct.

[Ben]

And do you know what the perfect.

[Noel]

Thing to bring to any Pride event is? But when we talked about this, I'm not a thing.

[Ben]

Oh, not you.

[Noel]

I meant Casamigos.

[Ben]

Okay, Chic.

[Noel]

And honestly, the only other correct answer.

[Ben]

A Casamigos margarita during Pride. Now that's a slay. Ah, Casamigos.

[Noel]

Anything is a slave. Cause anything goes with my Casamigos.

[Ben]

Anything goes with my Casamigos.

[Noel]

Beau, you're a poet.

[Ben]

Please drink responsibly. Imported by Casamigos Spirits Company, White Plains, New York.

[Noel]

Casamigos Tequila, 40% alcohol by volume. This is an I Heart podcast.