David Crabb (18:57)
Theresa Miller. That was so great. I love that story because it made me think so much about, like, that very real time when you're new to LA that it's sort of like. It's kind of like, hard to find a community. How many of y' all have. Has anyone here been in LA under three years? Oh, a lot of you. Has anyone been here under one year? Yeah. You're fucking in it, aren't you? No, I'm kidding. It's great. So there's a thing. When I moved to LA at the beginning of 2006, and it was like, 2016 was just a crazy year to move here. When I moved here, I had that kind of honeymoon period that LA gives you. I'd lived in New York for, like, 16 years, and it was beautiful. Do you know what I mean? Like, endless, endless beautiful sunsets. I could see the horizon line wherever I went. I was behind the wheel of a car, which made me feel like I escaped from an institution instead of being underground in, like, a shame stinkhole tube. And I remember one of my favorite memories of being in la the first time, as I was driving down Sunset and the windows were down, and my little dog Charlie was curled up in a ball. He's a Chihuahua, Jack Russell. So the fact that he's sleeping, going 40 miles an hour, like, that's how relaxed LA made him. Do you know what I mean? And we're driving down Sunset, and on the radio, that song, Boys of Summer by Don Henley comes on. Do you remember that song? Yeah. Never look back, you could. And, like, the wind was in my hair and I burst into tears, but, like, the kind of tears. Have y' all seen Texas Chainsaw Massacre? There's. There's a part in the end where the final girl finally gets into the bed of the truck and, like, you know, Leatherface is, like, in the road with the chainsaw, and she's just covered in the blood of her friends going. That's how I felt. Like, I felt like I had a real moment of, like, I got out of that place. Now, I love New York, and I don't mean to do this in New York, but I was like, it was time to go. Do you know what I mean? Now, this thing, though, happened, though, when you're in New York where and y' all probably all experienced this, if you've moved here from other places, is there's a beautiful time, and then all of a sudden you start to get, like, the loneliness of it. Like, the difference of it As a very spread out place in which you have to get everywhere by car, right? In New York, you know, I could tell people like, hey, you're gonna come to my show? And they could be like, yes, I'm sharing a railroad apartment with two polyamorous clowns and the heater's broken. And I will take two trains and a bus to see you tell a five minute story at a Pitbull fundraiser in Red Hook. I'm gonna be there, David. I'm gonna see you. And in la, I was doing things. And like, dear friends of mine would be like, oh, break legs tonight, but we're having Pinot Grigio under our lemon tree. And I don't cross Rowena on a weeknight after seven. I'm so sorry, do you know what I mean? And it was weird to be critical of it, but also I was the same way with the east side geography, do you know what I mean? I started to get it right, but it was really lonely. And then 2016 happened, and then the election happened and all that fucking madness and the way the world started to change. And the beginning of 2017 was a bit weird and I felt isolated. And then I met this wonderful friend. Her name's Delaney. She felt like when you meet a person, that's your person and it almost feels like a sibling thing. I'm an only child. And I was like, you're my fucking sister, you get me? And it was just like a really great friendship. And I was so happy to have her. And then about a year after we know each other one day she's like, I started dating someone and I was like, oh, well, who is he? And have you ever had that thing where you have a really, really dear friend and they're single for a while and you get used to them a certain way and it's not that you're unhappy. Like, when she told me she had a boyfriend, I was so happy for her. But then the next thought was, well, there's a little bit of like, well, I like him. But then the big thought, will he like me? Do you know what I mean? Like, am I gonna be on the outs? Like, are they gonna approve? I get so hung up when my friends start dating a new person. So Delaney's like my main person in the city and I'm sort of thinking, like, what's gonna fucking happen? And I meet this guy and I meet him a few times and he's perfectly lovely, he's really nice. And one night they're gonna. They say, why don't we come out to Eagle Rock. I teach college out at Occidental, and I teach this class. It's devised storytelling. So it's like students who tell stories, but then they, like, put on, like, costumes and tell those stories in, like, men's room and weird spaces. And the audience moves around. Like, it's very, you know, like, I was like, I hope he likes my weird show. Do you know what I mean? And him and her came and they saw the show and they loved it. And they were in Eagle Rock, and they were like, you know, we gotta get home, but we should hang out. And I, like, was like, oh, I'd love to get to know Trevor better. Let's go to. And then I started to look around, like, Eagle Rock. I love Eagle Rock. It's like a Tuesday night at 10pm Forget it. Just stay at home. There's nothing. Nothing. And I started looking. And I was looking on the news. I was like, I found a restaurant. I was like, let's call this restaurant. So we called them in the car, right? Cause I just wanted a drink. Mama wanted a drink. Do you know what I mean? Like a cocktail. And they said, yeah, we're open till 11:30. It was a guy with this sort of, like, New York accent, which I thought was like, oh, that's weird. And he said, we're open till 11:30. You know, come on by. But we closed at 11:30. It was 10:55. So I was like, cool, y'. All. I called him. We're gonna park over there. Just go. The four of us will have, like, a quick Italian bite, a slice of pizza and some drinks. We get to the restaurant and we go inside. Now, I should have known, because when we walk inside, it was a little, like, charming, junky. Like, it did have a little bit. Like, you felt like you could have, like, run your finger on the top of the lampshade and been like, mommy dearest about that shit. Do you know what I mean? I don't hate you. I hate the dirt. Like, it was a little. But the weird thing was, as we were walking in, there was no one else in the restaurant except the kitchen staff. You could see and a guy over here. And then a guy came out of the bathroom and he was walking. He's like, have a good night. Thanks. And then the owner of the restaurant looked at him and said, sir, your baby in a chair at a table was a baby carrier with a living, breathing, preemie looking baby. And he was just like, pay the bill. So he was like, oh, man. Like, should have had a V8 over my child, you know? And so, not that that's indicative of the restaurant, but it was like a weird way to start it. Do you know what I mean? Like, we could have left. I was like, that's weird. But I was like, no, let's stay. So we sat at a table, we're sitting, I'm getting to talk to Trevor, and Delaney's talking to my husband Jack. We're just having a great time when this guy comes over and he is like, the. Wait. And he comes over. He's sort of like a short, squat guy. He's got sort of squinty eyes. Hello, how are you doing? Like, totally from Queens or something, right? And as he's talking to us, like, I'm trying to take him in, and I realize the back of the restaurant is also him. And I realize that he has, like a twin who is, like, counting the money, looking sour at us, while, like, the happy one is outward facing in the restaurant. You know what I mean? Like, I get their fucking twin vibe, like, what they're doing. And he's like, well, what can we get for you? And we're like, what kind of red wine do you have? And he says, red, okay, no, full bar. I'm going to make it work. So he goes back, we're talking, and a few minutes later, he comes up to the table and he's holding a tray of four glasses of wine. And he literally is walking like this. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm like, is this Cirque du Soleil? Is this like, Commedia dell'? Arte? What are you doing right now? He gets up to the table and all four glasses of wine slide and shatter on the table and the floor. And I see Trevor sitting furthest outside. It gets on his pants and. And I'm like, oh, God, I'm so sorry. And then Trevor, I just hear him. Xander's breath. Oh, I think I'm going to be sick. And I'm like, oh, God, this is the worst. This is all going so wrong. The guy is dabbing at him with a napkin. Like, just give me the napkins. I don't want you, like, touching my chest area. I'm just like, this is so terrible. So then he goes away. And then a waitress comes up. She comes up to us and she's like, she talks very quiet. She's touching sort of her hips. She has a cap on, and she's sort of touching the sides of her face. Like she's having, like this kind of mdna. Very Sort of like erotic physiological experience. I don't know what is happening for her, but she's telling us about lasagna, and there's delicious breadsticks. And I'm like, what the fuck is happening in this restaurant? And we're all just staring at her. We're like, look, we just need the wine replaced, and we'd love some water for now. So she goes away. And Trevor, I can see him swallow the way that someone like, the Phil's ill swallowing. I just think, nothing. It's not working. This whole. It's going to shit. And then he comes up, he gives us some wine, and as he's gonna grab the third glass of wine, it almost is like his hand just goes sideways. And another glass of red wine shatters on the table by Trevor. And I'm like, is this what is happening? And as this is happening, I open the menu thinking, this is a nightmare. And on the back is the twins with Gordon Ramsay. And we all realize that we are in a restaurant Gordon Ramsay saved. We are in a kitchen nightmare salvaged restaurant. And I'm like, okay, this is gonna be a lot. And then as we're taking that in, there's like, a cook the whole time who's like, sort of a salty old guy with, like, a mullet. And he's staring at us through the window just with steam, like, rising into his face. Do you know what I mean? Kind of watching. And, like, if you're the one making my food, I don't want to see you. It just seems like there's weirdness. You're putting in the food, like a, like, water for chocolate, like, water for acid kind of way is what I feel like it is. So at a certain point, finally, like, we just need waters. And I guess, like, our. Our tweedledee waiter was like, I'm not going back to that table. And the ecstasy woman was probably just, like, feeling herself up in the bathroom. She didn't come back. So the guy who I've been looking at through the window, the salty cook, he comes and he's holding a tray of four waters. And he's looking at us terrified, like he's not the front facing part of the restaurant clearly, like he has been roped into just having to bring water to someone. And as he approaches us, he gets to the table and he looks at us, and I guess he had some kind of rotation issue with his wrist. He couldn't turn it enough to grab the water, so he had to grab the water by plunging his thumb into the water and then gripping, like a clip, the rim of the glass. And he knew it was awful. So he just almost, with tears in his eyes one moment, was like, here's your water. I'm so sorry. Here is your water. I'm so sorry. Here is your water. I'm very sorry about, like, just apologizing. And at one point, he walks away. And Trevor looks at his water and he's like, there is a piece of parsley in my water. We eat our food. Well, Trevor doesn't eat anything. And it's like at 11:30 when they close and we sign the check and we're getting up and we're leaving. There's, like, wine stains. It's been terrible. And as we leave this waiter, after all this, he didn't take anything off the bill. He looks at us and he says, thanks for coming. And remember, next time, earlier is better. I know. And we left the restaurant. And I thought I just ruined. I mean, whatever I could have done for that new friendship is fucked. Do you know what I mean? Like, that's not happening. And then Trevor sent us this funny text. He found a funny link. And a week later, he came over to our house. They brought some wine, him and Delaney. And the four of us in our living room petting our dog, having the nicest time, watched the Gordon Ramsay episode of Kitchen Nightmares about these twin brothers and their literal terrifying dungeon of a restaurant. And we just reveled in it. We reveled in one of them sobbing over a thing of rotten yams. We reveled over another one screaming about T shirts if we sold T shirts. It was just so. And the whole time we're watching it, we're laughing. And my husband is now Trevor, being like, I'm going to be sick. I ate there. I'm going to be sick. You know, I almost wanted to name the restaurant, but I thought, maybe enough has happened to these guys. And just to prove that maybe enough has, a friend of mine sent me a link two days ago that they're selling their restaurant. Their restaurant is sold. It wasn't long for this world. That beautiful restaurant might be gone, but the tastes and the sounds and the smells and the shards of glass and the good friendships remain. Thank you. Whoa. Oh, God. Find me after. I don't want it archived in audio, but if you find me later, I'll totally tell you the name of the restaurant.
