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- [00:01]
A
Hey folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison and every Thursday we release these special episodes where we look back at content from our earlier years. Keep in mind that some announcements in older episodes might be outdated as well as some of what's said in the stories. We always say that the name of the series itself is a bit of a content warning. This week, an episode that premiered in September of 20. It's an episode we call How Embarrassing.
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Risk.
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A
Hello kids, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison and this is Terry Snyder and the all stars behind me now calling today's episode How Embarrassing Four Tales of humiliation Couple wherein something profound was learned and a couple that are just shit shows. In just a bit, we're gonna hear a story from yours truly, a story I told at the RISK Live show in New York City. But before that, we're gonna hear something from someone I met in one of our workshops. If you wanna work on your own storytelling, you can always find us@thestorystudio.org we did a workshop down in Norfolk, Virginia, and Donna Steele shared this story with us there. Let's get to it. Right now we call it Mother's Little Helper.
- [02:26]
B
So growing up, my mom wanted everyone to think she was really put together. She dressed in the latest fashion, she always made sure our house was really clean, but she was always a little bit off. She would take us to places and dress us up in like top dollar fashion bows ties. My brother always had to wear a tie no matter where he went. Or khakis and polos. That was another really big thing for her. She would have parties over at our house at least once every couple weeks just to kind of get the neighbors in to see, oh, this is the new couch I bought, or oh, this is the new TV we got. Look at all our fancy things. But my brother and I saw a different side to my mother. For example, she could tell the difference between Coca Cola from one McDonald's location, like on Parham Road to the other McDonald's location, which was all the way on Gaskins. If it wasn't from McDonald's, she would know if you got it from Wendy's or Burger King, she would flip out, flip out. And if you wouldn't go get her a Coke. Like if she was in the middle of something, she would whine, donna Ashley, please go get me a Coke, I need it. I really need a Coke. I haven't had one for dinner yet. Please go get me one. But make sure it's from McDonald's. Now, it was around Thanksgiving, holiday spirit was high, and we decided to go shopping. On our way there, she pleaded for a Coke. So we stopped by McDonald's, got her a Coke. We went to the mall, and we went to the Levi's store to get some jeans. We pick up a few pants. We walk back into the fitting room. Now, the fitting room had a line of about 20 people to get in and two employees that were hiding behind this big stack of jeans. The fitting rooms themselves were really close together, each of them about the size of a closet. And there was just three of them on each side. We finally get into the fitting room. I go on one side, she goes on the other side. And I'm starting to pull my pants up around my knees to try on this pair, and I hear this psst. And I thought to myself, man, that just sounds like a gas leak or something. I wonder if everything's okay. But I don't really think anything of it. I continue to try on my pants, and then I hear this. Plop, plop, plip, plip, plippity, plop, plop, plop, plop, plippity, plippity. And I said, that sounds really weird. That sounds like solid hitting a liquid. But I don't think anything of it. I just continue to button my pants, zip them up. But this goes on for about 30 seconds, non stop. This. Plippity, plop, plippity, plip, plop, plop, plop, plop. Finally, my curiosity gets the best of me. I open the door to my fitting room to go check it out, and I hear my mom calling me, don Ashley, Don Ashley, Don Ashley. In a complete panic. So I go to push open the door. It abruptly stops after about 5 inches. I have to, like, kind of squeeze my face in, and I'm hit with this wall of st stench. And then I see my mother crouching in the corner of the fitting room. She's braced in the corner against the walls, squatting down with her pants around her ankles. And that damn McDonald's cup, which is one of those, like, extra large McDonald's cups. And there's shit spray around the cup and there's like a little puddle next to it. I think she got the majority of it in the cup, but there was definitely some, like, a little bit on the walls on her legs. And I just kept looking down at this mess and looking back at my mom's face, which was just like despair and embarrassment. And I said, mom, what did you do? What is this? And she said, dawn, Ashley, I really need you to take this cup, get it out of the fitting room. I can't do it. I'm too embarrassed. I can't walk it out there. I just need you to throw it away. I said, mom, I can't do that. I really appreciate all those times that you cleaned up my diapers and my vomit, but this is a whole new level. I cannot carry your cup of poop through a crowd of 70 people to throw it away. In my mind, I just imagined myself taking this cup out and tripping or running into someone and just pee and poop just go spraying all over their clothes, all over the stack of brand new Levi's pants. It was not good. I was scared. I was just really, really scared. And I tell my mom, I really can't. Then she starts crying. So I grabbed the cup and she put the lid on it for me, which was very nice of her. And I started walking out into the Levi's store. Like, as soon as she gave me the cup, I could feel feel the wetness on my hand where she had kind of missed. And I didn't want to know if it was urine or poop. Like, I just blocked my mind from knowing what was on my hand. And I kept walking. I kept walking a little bit more, and then the warmth kicked in and it was as if I had picked up a puppy. And you know that, like, really, like, oh, you're so warm. I want to cuddle with you. But the exact opposite. And then the smell kicked in and I knew I was going to throw up at the this point, but the only hope was that I saw the trash can right outside of the glass doors into the main part of the mall. I was like, maybe two feet from it. So I just sucked it up and I went. And I started to open the door and I heard this beep, beep, beep, beep. And I looked down and my pants were unbuttoned and my zipper was undone and my jeans were too small for me. There was a sensor on the side of my pants. I realized they weren't my pants. Three employees started walking over to me and they were very sweet. They just asked, ma', am, are you okay? Like, do you need anything? Can we do anything for you? I didn't know what to do. I just said, I'm so sorry. I really need to just go throw this cup away into that trash can. Right there. You can watch me. I'm not gonna steal these pants. They're too small for me. I have no use for them. Just let me throw this cup away. I'll come right back in. Ma', am, I'm sorry. That's against our policy. We can take the cup from you and throw it away behind the counter if you'd like said, oh, no, no, no. I can throw it away behind the counter. I don't want you to have to touch my garbage. Like, please, I'll just throw it away for you. No big deal. Ma', am, I'm sorry. That's also against our policy. We actually have to throw everything behind the counter. You can't go back there. Then I see it. One of the only male employees starts to sniff around, look at the cup, and this look of just disgust filled his face. And then it trickled into the other two employees, who both started sniffing around, like, not knowing what's going on. And before I just have to come clean and tell them what's happening and what's inside of this McDonald's cup. I see my mom coming from the fitting room, and as she's walking toward me, she's pushing through. All the people and just gasps are following her to the front of the store. People are shocked. People are horrified. She gets to me, she grabs the cup, she says, donna, Ashley, go get your things. Go put your pants on. We're leaving. She walks outside of the store, and as she's walking away, I look at the back of her bright white linen pants, and there is just a huge brown smear going from her butt to her ankles. And it looked like you had taken, like, a fudge sundae and just smeared it all over her butt, all down her legs, and then taken more fudge and thrown it on top, but then, like, threw some corn and, like, peas in it, too. She walks outside of the Levi's store and sits on the bench that is right next to the trash can facing the store. I run back to the fitting room, get my things, put my pants on, run back outside with my head down. I don't want anyone to see my embarrassment. I'm beet red. I'm sweating uncontrollably, like, I just want to get home at this point. So I met my mom outside of the Levi's store, and we start to walk to the car, and I'm a good 10ft away from her, but I know where she is because I can smell the stench that's coming off her pants. She casually looks in the Hallmark store. She's looking in the Disney store. She's window shopping, taking her sweet time getting to her car. Mind you, while all this is happening, she still has the cup that's filled with her feces in her hands, walking around short pump mall like she doesn't give a shit. You know, we finally get to the car, we get in, we haven't said a word to each other at all. She sets the cup in the cup holder and, you know, she says, oh, I think that it'll be better if we throw it away at home. That way, you know, it won't stink up a trash can. It won't harm them all at all. So it's smelling up our car along with the poop that's covering her. I have all the windows rolled down. My head is outside of the window. I'm trying to, like, gulp in fresh air because I know I'm gonna get sick. And then my mom just nonchalantly asked me, dawn, Ashley, do you want to stop and get something for dinner? Are you hungry like Mom? No, I just want to go home. I just. I'm so. I just. Let me go home. Like, I'm not hungry. I'm good until, like, tomorrow or the next day. She goes, are you sure? We can just stop by Martin's and get some steaks. Doesn't that sound good? Does she want some steaks? I'll just grill them up when we get home. At this point, the idea of steaks and all the stuff that's on her makes me sick. But I stop myself because I realize that the stench if I throw up into the car is going to be triple worse if I was to do that. I just am thinking to myself, man, of all the ways that my mom isn't put together, this is the worst. Like, she can't make it to a proper bathroom to just relieve herself. Like, why can't she do this? We would go on road trips when I was little, and every single road trip, every year, she would shit her pants in the car, in her pants, on our seats. I think we replaced our upholstery in our car at least 10 times a fortune went into this. My mom has no shame of, like, asking my brother and I to help her out with her bowel functions. But this is the first time she's ever done this in public, in front of other people, and not in the privacy of her own seven family members. It amazes me how my mom continuously wants people to think that she's all put together and how she's Able to do it even when she's a complete mess. I mean, it's almost as if everyone around her are the only people that are being upset by this and getting their panties in a bunch. She's perfectly fine with, you know, whether she got into something that's super embarrassing or got a dui. No matter what, she still has this image of like, yeah, I got my shit together, no big deal. And I think because of that, I definitely have, like, a newfound respect for her.
- [13:36]
C
I'd like to buy the world a home and furnish it with love Grow.
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Up on trees and honeybees and snow.
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White turtle doves I like to teach the world to sing Sing with me.
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But make sure it's from McDonald's.
- [14:09]
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We'll be right back.
- [14:11]
C
Want a secret to free holiday gifts? Free. Yes, really. It's TikTok and free. You pick one to three products, share your unique link with friends, and watch the price drop in real time all the way to zero. That's a free items with free shipping. Ready to try, Download and open TikTok search free Tap to join and start slashing. Now.
- [14:42]
A
We're back after the state my sketch comedy group had created our pilot for mtv. I went through a period where my fingernails were bit so low that they were bleeding. And it was because even though we had just shot a pilot for mtv, I was afraid I was about to be homeless. You see, the network had not let us know whether or not they were going to really pick us up for series for months and months and months. And now the rent was due and I had nothing. The thing was, I was about 22, I was right out of college, and I just didn't feel like I was competent at anything except for sketch comedy. I mean, I was your man if you needed a guy to pretend like he had just pooped his pants and slipped on a pile of fish. But otherwise, I felt like the only thing I was really good at was scanning the sidewalk for nickels. Now, I had a roommate then, and his name was Ray, and he had kind of an influence on me. We were two gay guys in our 20s who were very happy just seeking sex left and right. And the difference between us, though, was that Ray was super confident, right? He was kind of the wheeler dealer type. He looked like a cub scout in a Disney movie from the 50s. But he always had something up his sleeve. Well, now, when I had no money for the rent this particular month, he was getting nervous, so he sat me down. It was Friday. The rent was due on Monday, and He said to me, kev, I'll tell you something. A lot of people don't realize this, but prostitution can be fun. I said, uh huh. To tell you the truth, the whole time I'd been living with him, I wasn't sure where he was getting the rent. Well, any other roommate might have suggested to you, hey, Kev, you might ask your parents for a loan. But he already knew that. My parents had already said to me, kevin, we can't possibly give you yet another month's rent. So he's laying down for me with all this excitement in his voice, this whole idea of prostitution. It was funny. There was a real twinkle in his eye. And I realized, wait a minute. It kind of helps that Ray loves to sleep with older men, right? And I really didn't. But then he laid it on me. He said, you know, here's what I find is helpful. I like to follow what I call the seven laws of successful whoring. And I thought, holy shit, he does this so regularly. He's got a system. I felt like I was getting life coaching for the downwardly mobile. But I have to say that Ray's laws sounded adorable. The first one I remember was Sweetie Phone Home, which is so cute because it's a reference to the movie E.T. but it's also a warning about how you might avoid getting raped. It's the whole idea that, hey, Kev, if you're going to hook up with a john, you should call me, your roommate, first to let me know the address you're going to. Great. That was great advice. The next one was Money Before Honey. So that's like, you know, transactional advice. It's probably also the name of a long lost Donna Summer song. And then the last one that I can remember was Hard to Get's an easy Bet. And that one sounds almost classy, you know, in fact, I think that's pretty much the controlling idea of everything Jane Austen wrote. Now, if you're a fan of the podcast, you might already know that, in fact, I love having sex with strangers in strange new situations. So there was that. But Ray also said, kev, listen, if it's safe sex, it might even end up being hot, like in Pretty Woman. And there was yet another thing. I was so tired from my NYU days of this reputation that I had for being the ultra polite or ultra Roman Catholic boy from Ohio, I wanted to shatter that once and for all. I was really that kind of, look at me, I'm Sandra Dee kind of kid, right? And I thought, well, hey now, hustling that's something a wild man would do, right? Hadn't Kerouac and all those guys done it? I couldn't really remember, but I decided they had. So that night, I find myself on the Upper east side at this bar that Giuliani shortly thereafter got rid of, called Rounds. It was a hustler bar, and when you walk in, the atmosphere was pure David lynch, right down to the Blue Velvet. And I noticed right away there were two kinds of guys there. There were the guys my age, the guys in their early 20s, who all looked like they had taken the sex o' clock sexy train from Sex Town. They were all like River Phoenix and Keanu Reeves. And the worst thing was they all had this cocky confidence walking around the room, they had these little gestures and stuff like that for each other. The secret codes. And I just immediately felt like, oh, shit. I hadn't considered that there might be competition. Well, everyone else in the bar owned a bank and looked like Bison. I all of a sudden thought, oh, no, these old men are so picky and finicky. I don't. You know, I'm just. I'm out of my league here, competing against these sexy boys. So I'm all worried about that. And then the next thing I know, someone grabs my hand and I whirl around and I say to myself, oh, my God, it's Rush Limbaugh. Well, you're not going to believe it, but it turns out it wasn't. It was just another big fat man who happens to own 40% of our economy. And he took my hand and he raised it up into the light and he showed it to a friend of his. And he said to his friend, look at that hair on the back of his hand. That means there's hair on his ass, too. And he dropped my hand and they walked away. Every now and then, a memory becomes too hard to. I was so hurt. It was like they were comparing cuts of meat at the butcher. I was like, fuck this shit. I am out of here. I am not cut out for this. And I started heading right for the door. But as I'm headed toward the door, then I see there's this kind of tall, dark and handsome yuppie looking guy in a nice suit. You know, he was in his meat, so he was a good deal younger than most of the other johns there. And he was staring at me. He wouldn't look away. So I thought, all right, game change again, Kevin. Just be a smooth operator. Just then, I'm noticing I've dribbled much of my beer down my shirt. But he approaches me and he comes up, and the first thing he says is, what are you? Brand new? Like he was putting me down, and I just got this instant bad vibe from this dude. Here's how I would describe it. Seemed like he was a guy who was trying to be an arrogant prick, but maybe wasn't so good at it yet. So he then starts to just kind of talk me up, right? He says, I'll tell you what, I don't have much time here. I'm kind of strapped. I don't want to BS you. My name's Nick. I don't have much of a budget, so let's just go back to my place for a half session for 75. I was like, wait, what? Nowhere in Ray's laws was there any mention of half sessions, right? And $75, in my humble opinion, was not enough money for anything. I mean, what, was I gonna have to come back to this bar nine times for the rent? But before I could protest, he's pushing me out of the bar. And the next thing I know, he's pushing me into a cab. And I'm thinking, whoa, whoa, whoa, Kevin, what? What about, Sweetie, phone home? I was supposed to call Ray from the payphone in the bar and let him know where I was going, but I didn't even know where I was going. I was like, wait a minute, I'm fucking up all the laws, but it's going too quick. So the next thing I know, I'm just trying to get my seat belt on, but before I even can, this guy Nick is loosening the other belt on my jeans. And I said, whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy, what about the terms? And he said, terms? And I said, yeah, yeah, yeah, the terms of the transaction and whatnot. And he said, look, kid, you're supposed to act like you're enjoying this. Now get your cock out. And then he yanks my pants down and I'm dick out in a cab. So much for money. Before, honey, Donna Summer would have been livid. Now, the driver of this cab is this, like, eternally bored looking Indian man who's looking in the backseat. He's like, oh, yeah, this again, the de pantsing thing. And Nick is trying to get his mouth down to my crotch. But see, he's stuck in his own seatbelt now and we're going over potholes. So it's kind of like he's bobbing for apples. And now I'm tangled in his seatbelt as well. And eventually I just yelled at him not in the car, sir. And he said, not in the car, sir. Like he's a seven year old mocking me. And the next thing I know, we're just pushing each other like Laurel and Hardy in the backseat of this car, only with Hardy saying, you know, shut up and put your dick in my mouth. And the driver of the cab's looking back like, oh, yeah, here's the shut up and put your dick in my mouth moment. And now we weren't even finishing sentences. We were just like, shut the fuck up.
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Fuck you.
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A
I'm not gonna do it. Fact, it was not like Pretty Woman. Then the next thing I know, I realized I was home. Waverly Place was passing by on 6th Avenue. So I said, driver, pull over. And Nick looks at me like, what the fuck are you thinking? And I'm like, yeah, where is my sense of decorum? And the next thing I know, my feet are on the pavement and I feel safe again. And all of a sudden, I feel. Feel powerful, right? Like, now I want to embarrass this guy, so I just let it rip. I yell at him, the next time you want to suck my cock, you can pay for it first. And I slammed the door and the car sailed off. And I realized I hadn't really embarrassed Nick. Because he was driving away and about two dozen people on Sixth Avenue were staring at me. The polite, ultra Roman Catholic boy from Ohio who now sounded like a crackhoe. Well, I told Ray the next morning, I said, look, I don't have the rent. And he said, well, there's a very interesting message on the phone machine. And I listened. The state had been picked up for series on mtv. And I thought to myself, all right, when you call your parents with news like that, it's a lot less difficult for them to wire yet another month's worth rent, so everything was okay. But the next day I thought, you know, Nick was right. I was supposed to be acting like I liked that. That should have been one of Ray's seven laws. But the fact was, both Nick and I had been cons conning cons. And I am just not cool like that. Well, the next week, I was rehearsing sketches with the state, preparing for our TV show. And now I was doing a job where I did not have to be acting like I liked it. I was working at being a different kind of cool now. The kind where you just pretend that you just pooped your pants. Thank you.
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Got a little soul the world is.
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A cold, cold place to be.
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Want a little warm but who's Gonna save a little while.
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This is Risk. This is Vampire Weekend behind me now. And we just heard from me at the Risk live show in New York City. Just before that, we heard a little interstitial called I'd like to Buy My Mom a Diaper by Jeff Barr, our episode editor. You can find him@jeffbar.info and listen. If you like the show become a part. Follow us on Twitter and Facebook riskshow Converse with us. You can submit your story ideas to us at risk-show.com submissions. We're always asking our fans to spread the word about the show. You know, tell your friends and family how to access the show, how to download it and start listening. A lot of the people that you hear on the show workshopped one on one with me over Skype. They arrange that through the storystudio.org if you think you might know of a way to help bring Risk to your town or your university, contact us at kevinrisk-show.com we had our first two day workshop in Los Angeles this weekend and apparently it was such a huge success. The people who took that workshop were just working on one story each over the course of two days. But now they're ready to do a show. They're arranging to to put up a show of it all. I'm telling you, exciting things start to open up when you start to open up and express yourself in stories. Now in a little bit we're going to hear from Jen Bosworth. But first, if you recall the episode called Kevin Goes to Kink Camp. Our next story comes to us from someone who I met at that very camp. You can learn more about that organization@darkoddysy.com and here now is my friend Darren Infinity with a story we call We Could Do a Million Other Things.
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So I'm a bi guy who's been involved in kink and BDSM and open relationships for several years now. I had started off getting involved with a lot of men's parties. One of the first parties that I used to start up going to was this wonderful group of guys who get together about once a month to have some fun and play together and hurt each other in the wonderful ways that I enjoy. People would go out to these parties and have lots of kinky fun, tie each other up and hurt each other's bits, and lots of great times were had. I was getting ready for this upcoming party and there was this lovely gentleman who was several years older than me and bearish just the way I like them. He had this Very daddy energy to him. Had this wonderful presence that made me feel like I'd be safe in his arms. He had those laugh lines that told you that he'd walked a few miles but done so with a smile on his face. He and I had been flirting back and forth a little bit and had had a little bit of a makeout session with one time. But things hadn't gotten too hot and heavy yet. So we decided that we were going to set this date to play at the next party. We had been texting back and forth a little bit and he was telling me all the wonderful things he was going to do to my body and how much he wanted that. And I was texting back furiously telling him how much I would really enjoy that and we'd see how things went. We had decided that he was going to top me and I was going to bottom to him and he was going to hurt me in all the best ways that I enjoy. So I went home that day before the party and I got myself ready to go and kiss my girlfriend on the way out the door. She was very happy that I was going off to have fun. So I get to this party, the music is thumping and it's in this kind of industrial area of the city. I'm waiting for my date. Finally, he walks into the dungeon looking incredibly hot. He's got leather pants on with his boots all shined up. He's got this leather vest on with a shirt underneath, and the top few buttons of the shirt are undone. He's got these little tufts of graying silver hair sticking out of the top. And it's so incredibly sexy to me. We kiss and say hello and ask how each other's day has been going, and he seems to be very eager to have some fun. So he takes me over to this cross in the dungeon, at which point he tells me to undress, which I'm very happy to oblige him on. So I'm stripped down to just my boots because he liked me in just my boots and leans me up against this cross. He kind of gives me a big bear hug from behind and I feel thrilled to be there with this wonderful guy that I've been lusting after for quite some time. I'm like, great, we're finally going to get to play. He backs up a little bit and he starts warming me up with a whip called a flogger. Just gently at first is striking against my back and feels really nice. Feels like, kind of like an intense massage. And that's really getting My juices flowing, and my dick is slowly but surely getting harder and harder, and I'm really enjoying myself. And then he comes up behind me again and he hugs me again. We keep going for a while, and we're really enjoying ourselves and things are getting hot. So we decide to take things to a couch area where we can get a little bit more well acquainted in the biblical sense. We wander back there, and I'm slowly taking clothes off of him while he sat down in front of me and I'm straddling his lap. My cock is just hard as a rock. We're making out, and I'm kissing on his neck, working on his nipples, and he's playing with mine, and we're having a glorious time. And he's slowly stroking my cock back and forth as I'm straddling him. I reach my hand down his chest, pass his belly button to the top of his leather pants, and I start to undo the top button of his pants. And just as I'm about to reach in, he puts his hand on mine and says, I forgot my pills. He'd forgotten his Viagra or Cialis or whatever it was that sometimes helps men get a heart on. And I looked up at him, and his whole face just showed that he was so upset with himself and with the situation, and he didn't quite know how to deal with it. Me being young and not experienced with these kinds of things. Before words failed me, I didn't know how to tell this beautiful man that we could do a million other things. But instead, I sat there in silence, dumbfounded, not knowing what to say. In very embarrassed fashion, he starts to push me gently off of his lap, stands himself up, tries to collect himself and his dignity, gives me a kiss on the cheek and walks away. And to this day, I still wish I'd had the words to tell this beautiful man that it didn't matter that he forgot his pills, that his sexuality was his whole person, not just what was in his pants. And that if he'd walked away from that encounter thinking like he was anything less than an amazing person who I'd had a wonderful chance to have a beautiful moment with, then I felt like I'd let him down in allowing him to feel that way. So that's why I teach now in the communities that I'm involved in, in the men's community and the BDSM community and in alternative sexuality communities, so that people will have language to tell each other that it's okay, that sometimes things. Things don't work the way we would like them to work. And that doesn't make us any lesser than. It doesn't make us less than who we are, the amazing, wonderful sexual beings that we are.
- [40:27]
C
Okay, all right. So I'm half Colombian, and my mom was Colombian. She's dead. It's okay. But that's a different story. So I'm half Colombian, and when I was 16, I really wanted to go to Colombia. I was like, I want to connect with the motherland. I want to find my roots. And also, I had no friends. And I thought, well, maybe my Colombian relatives will like me. And so I went to my mom and I said, look, mom, I want to go to Colombia this summer. And she said, there's no fucking way you're going to Colombia. It's dangerous, and you'll get your legs blown off by a bomb. That's what she said. So I was dejected. But the next day she came back, and I thought that she had reconsidered. She said, no, you're still not going to Colombia. But I've signed you up to give yellow fever vaccinations in Paraguay. What the fuck? I didn't even know that Paraguay was a country. I had no clue. So I said, real smart. Like, I don't even know where Paraguay is. I'm not going to Paraguay. And my mom was like, it's Paraguay or fat camp. I was like, oh, I'm on my way to Paraguay. Here we go. So we had a little training, and by a little training, I mean we gave injections to oranges filled with water. And we were, like, told about etiquette. I was like, okay, what does that mean? And they said, well, you cannot offend the host family ever. They may look different than you. They may not have as many things as you. Do not offend them. Okay, fine. Then they're like, there's one more thing. I was like, okay, like, you have to wear skirts all the time. No pants, no shorts, no jeans.
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B
Skirts.
- [42:27]
C
Okay, fine, I got it. So they dropped me off, I kid you not, in the middle of the fucking country. And I'm 16 years old, and this woman comes to me, and she's like this little lady, and she's got no teeth. But, you know, I'm trying not to judge because they told us, don't judge. Okay, fine, you've got no teeth. She's little, and she says, my name is Cynthia, and I'll be your mentor. And I'm like, yes, I'll have a mentor. She's like, promptly left, like, fuck you. You're on your own. Okay, great. And I had this host family and it consisted of this grandma again with no teeth. Her granddaughter Olga, 11. You got it? No teeth. And I was starting, I really was starting to wonder if maybe they needed like a dental hygiene program more than they needed yellow fever vaccines. I mean, it was a problem, but I didn't know anything about dental hygiene either, so off I went. And Olga was 11 and she had freckles and reddish hair and she looked like a Chucky doll, exact like a Paraguayan Chucky doll. And I was afraid of her, but I didn't want to judge her, so I went on my way. And every day I would trudge in my skirt to this clinic, which really was a shack. It had a chair and like a half busted ass refrigerator for my supplies. And I had no idea what I was doing. I mean, I could have been giving them yellow fever for all I know, but they lined up. And part of the problem was too, my Spanish was shit because my mom eliminated all Colombian from her DNA. I mean, she became an English teacher, she lost her accent, she checked Caucasian on every form. And I grew up thinking that everybody's mom spoke in Spanish when they were cussing somebody out. And that my mom just had a real good suntan all year round. I knew some swear words because she used to cuss at me. So I knew how to say no me jodas, which means don't fuck with me. And the other thing that she used to say was, tu eres una hija negra, which these guys know. It means you're. And my mom, I have no idea why she called me this, but she called me the daughter of a black whore, which is fucked up because she's my mom. So, okay, so that basically was my Spanish. So I'm in real trouble. All right? So there I was in Paraguay with that vocabulary. And so after my shift was over, it was like 12 hours in the sun giving these, all right, I would trudge back home, and the problem was it was like 1,000 degrees and I had to wear a skirt and there was no spanx at the time. And so my thighs would rub together and I would get these welts and they would be all sweaty. And so I'd literally, I'd have to walk like this. And the Paraguayans would call me the cripple. And so I didn't make any friends there either. It wasn't going well. So the one joy I had was every day after my shift, I would go to the bodega and I would buy this huge packet of stale ass chocolate cookies and expired Marlboro cigarettes. I picked up smoking, and it was like my one joy with those cookies there. So every day I would go to the bodega and get those things. And one day after my shift, I waddled on home and I went to my room, which really was just a mattress on the floor. Fine, no judgment. And I lifted up my mattress to get my money. All my money was gone. The Paraguayan money, the traveler's checks, all fucking gone. I was like, motherfucker, how am I gonna get my motherfuckin cigarettes? Because if you're a smoker, you know.
- [46:38]
B
It'S like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- [46:40]
C
I will have a cigarette. So I didn't know what to do. And then I thought about it, and I'm like, olga smokes. She's only 11, but she has a worse habit than I have at this point. Point. And I bet she took my money, and I was ready to go throttle her ass. But then I remembered, do not offend the host family.
- [46:59]
B
I was like, oh, God.
- [47:01]
C
Because if I throttled her, then I might be homeless and have to sleep in the clinic, and I wouldn't have any cigarettes and cookies anyway. So I didn't know what to do. But then I remembered the mentor. She had mumbled some shit about if I had a problem to come see her. And I had a problem. So I found her, and she opened the door, and there she stood, the little lady. And I said, hello. In broken Spanish, mentor, I have no money. I need money. I need money to live. Can you help me? And I'm crying. And she says, I will help you. And I'm like, yes, I will help you. And she looks me up and down and she says, come with me. And I'm like, I am saved. She's gonna make Olga give me my money back. I'm gonna get my cigarettes. And then I realized it was good that I was gonna get my money back, because there was no way to get out of this crap whole town without any money. So this was gonna be good. So we start walking. And we're walking in the opposite direction of Olga's house, my host family's house. And I'm like, I don't know what this is, but okay. So we're walking. We're walking. It's real hot. And we get to the edge of the village, a place I had never been before. And there was like, this military compound. And there were these dudes standing out front with semi Automatic weapons, which wasn't that unusual for some fucking reason in Paraguay. Everybody has a semi automatic weapon. It is not a hostile country. There is no problem there. I don't know why, but they had them. So these guys were standing in front of the. The compound, and the gate was shut. And the mentor said something in Spanish I couldn't quite grasp. And they looked at me, these guys, and they smiled and they had teeth, which I found kind of comforting. And they smiled and they opened the gate, and they looked me up and down, and they opened that gate. And so we went walked through. And I noticed as we passed through, the gate slammed shut and locked. I was like, hmm, okay, whatever. I'm gonna get my money back. So we walk, and the mentor's in front of me, and we come to this little shack like, clapboard house. And we enter, and there standing is what can best be described as a. Like a caricature of a Latin dictator. Like a big bristly mustache and even freaking aviator sunglass military hat. I was like, okay. Like a cross between a dictator and Ponch from chips. You know, the guy from chips? Like a cross between those two. And I felt good because he seemed official. And he walked up to me. They had muttered something in Spanish which I couldn't understand because fucking my mother never spoke Spanish. And he comes up to me and he says, darling, I hear that you have a little money trouble. And I'm like, yes, sir, I have a little. I have a problem. He's like, I will help you get money, my sweet. I'm like, yes. I said, thank you so much. He said, ha. How badly do you need this money? And I said, you know where this is going? And he's on board. And I'm like, I need it. I'm 16. I'm like, I really need it bad. And he's like, okay. And then he asked me to turn around.
- [50:29]
B
Like, spin around.
- [50:30]
C
I'm like, okay. I don't know. Maybe it's some fucking ritual. I have no idea. So I spin around, and then, you guys, this is what I hear. Now, one thing about growing up in a household where there is some Spanish is that you learn to understand more than you can speak. So this is what I heard. The mentor says to the military guy, here she is. She's beautiful, no? And the military guy says, yes, she's a little plump. Fuck you. She's a little. She's a little plump, but she's very beautiful. And the mentor says, the men, they will like her, no? And the military guy Says, yes, yes, they will. They like plump women. And then she says, well, I'll need my finder's fee, though.
- [51:28]
B
Now.
- [51:29]
C
Yeah, yeah, you got it, sir. I realized I faded out a little bit. But then I realized what this gentleman just said. This mentor wasn't a mentor. She was a pimp. She was a pimp. And it hit me after I came to. You know when you kind of fade out when shit goes awry? I came to and I realized I'm being sold as a prostitute to the Paraguayan military. Now, I was like, how did this happen to me? And I was like, my fucking mom. That's how this fucking happened to me. Because her dumb ass didn't want me to go to Columbia. Now I'm stuck here in Paraguay, where I'm gonna be a hoe for the whole military. And then I panicked. I really did. And I was, like, longing to be at fat camp, counting calories and, like, doing obstacle, you know, courses and shit. And I freaked out. I'm like, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna die here. No one knows I'm here. I. I'm going to die. I'm only 16. This isn't fair. Why is this happening to me? I start to cry. But, you know, sometimes the mind does some cool ass shit. So in that moment, I had a memory. Like, boom. A memory came, and it was from grade school. And there was this girl in grade school, and her name was Alison Mauk. It's her real name. I'm sorry, I have to use it. Her name was Alison and Malk. And she was one of those real weird kids, but she did this thing before gym class. She hated gym class. And she did this thing before gym class to get out of gym class, and it worked. And so, you guys, I willed myself to pee my pants. Allison Mauk would fucking pee herself right before gymnast class, and she wouldn't have to play that fucking dodgeball. So I was like, okay, okay, God. And at first, you know, you can't really just pee on cue unless you're wasted. I've had many of those. But this was not that. This was like, please, God. God of pee, God of urine. Jehovah, I don't care. Dear Dios, let me pee. I need to pee. And for a second, it didn't come. And then. And all of a sudden, all of a sudden, I peed. I peed a river of pee right in front of the mentor and the military guy. And the pee ran down my welted thighs, and it ran down into my Shoes and on the dirt floor and.
- [54:05]
B
On their fucking shoes.
- [54:07]
C
And I'm crying and peeing and peeing and crying. And just like Alison Mouk, it fucking worked. It worked. That fucking mentor, her face, like, she. You know, she had no teeth, so it was like. And the military guy was just. He was like, you know, with teeth. But. And then the mentor, she steps in and she goes, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Sir, Sir, Captain, I'm so sorry. I had no idea she was. And he didn't say anything. He was just. And I had never been so happy to be called in my life. And then she yanked me out of there. And I looked back, and the dude is just still standing there. There's, like, piss on his shoes, and he just looks horrified. And she grabs me. We go racing out past the dudes with the automatic weapons, and I'm dripping and crying and running. And we go through the gate.
- [55:10]
B
They open the gate.
- [55:11]
C
Those dudes are like, what the fuck? But they just let us go. They let us go. And we walk back, and the mentor's in front of me, and she's muttering swear words, which I can understand, and she's muttering them. And we finally, finally get to my fucking host house, and I take off. I'm like, fuck this fucking country. Fuck you, Mom. And she grabs me and I'm like, oh, my God. And I thought she was gonna hit me in the face, but she didn't. She reached into her pants. She could wear fucking. You could wear pants in this country. I just couldn't. She reached into her pants and she pulled out some crumpled bills, and she shoved them in my hand, and I ran. I took that money and I ran. I didn't even thank her. I didn't look at her. I just ran to the house, and I got to my bedroom, and there was Olga on my mattress, reading my magazines, wearing my Chicago Bulls hatch. I didn't care. I ran to her and I said, olga, Olga, I love you. I love you. What's mine is yours. And she looked at me like. Well, like I was. Here's the thing, you guys. Any place where you gotta piss yourself to get out of trouble is not a place to find your roots. It's a place to fucking run from. And I. Shortly after that, I got home and I made some other dorky friends, and I made roots there with those people. But every now and then, I kid you not, every now and then, when I'm in a tricky situation where shit's about to go wrong, I have this little thing I say to myself and I feel a lot better and maybe you could use it. When you feel bad and it goes when you're afraid, when you're in doubt, do not be troubled. Just let it out. Thank you very much.
- [57:27]
A
There is one.
- [57:32]
C
Ashes from her bones Walking matches straight across the floor the.
- [57:45]
A
Star runs slowly and was twisted Washed.
- [57:50]
B
Up by the night.
- [58:21]
A
That is all for this week folks. This is TV Girl behind me now. And we just heard from Jen Bosworth. You can find her@adamnicelady.com Folks, today's the day. Take a risk.
- [58:45]
B
She spoke. And recently she drove home after having a glass of wine and went to the McDonald's to get her after wine, Coke and before she even left the McDonald's parking lot, she was pulled over by a cop. Now my mom is like 5 4, she weighs about 100 pounds. She could get drunk off of a champagne truffle. She's super, super lightweight. So she got a DUI and apparently she was giving fashion advice to all of the other inmates in this drunk take and the police officers. She currently has a list of things that you can do to make this jail cell a more interior design friendly place to boost morale of the drunken inmates. She plans on writing a letter to someone to get it done.
- [60:23]
A
Did you know Microsoft has officially ended Support for Windows 10 upgrade to Windows 11 with an LG Gram laptop? Voted PCMag's Reader's Choice top laptop brand for 2025. Thin and ultra lightweight, the LG Gram keeps you productive anywhere and Windows 11 gives you access to free security updates and ongoing feature upgrades. Visit lgusa.com iheart for great seasonal savings on LG Gram laptops with Windows 11. PCMag reader's choice used with permission. All rights reserved.