Live From Austin!

Summary

RISK! — Live from Austin!

Date: November 20, 2025
Host: Kevin Allison
Episode Theme: True, uncensored stories recorded live in Austin, Texas.
Episode Purpose: To showcase an array of unforgettable, often hilarious and deeply personal stories from a diverse group of storytellers—many of them local or directly connected to the Austin community—illustrating the power, unpredictability, and heart at the center of the RISK! live storytelling experience.

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Episode Overview

Kevin Allison brings RISK! to Austin, presenting a lineup of storytellers—some comedians, some writers, some everyday people—sharing stories that range from the outrageous to the poignant. Every story pushes the boundary of vulnerability, humor, and authenticity, true to the RISK! ethos: "People telling true stories they never thought they'd dare to share."

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Key Segments and Stories

Opening Remarks

Host: Kevin Allison
Time: 03:50 – 06:41

• Kevin introduces RISK! for new listeners and sets the scene of the live event in Austin.
• Expresses excitement about visiting Austin and a desire to engage deeper with the city's storytelling community.
• “We want so much to come back and we want to do several shows and several workshops...we really want to make that great city a place where we're building a little bit of community.” (Kevin Allison, 05:20)

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Story 1: “The Redhead”

Storyteller: Paul Normandon
Time: 06:41 – 15:51

Summary

• Paul recounts the saga of repeatedly asking for a “redhead” for his birthday, year after year, from girlfriend-then-wife Victoria.
• The running joke weaves through milestones (dating, marriage, adopting a child, teaching Sunday school).
• On his 40th birthday, Paul is led to believe his long-standing wish will come true, only to have an epic surprise party instead.

Highlights & Memorable Moments

• The tension-filled anticipation from Paul’s perspective, believing his wife and her redheaded best friend are about to fulfill his fantasy.
• The punchline lands at the climactic “Surprise!”—the real gift is a party with friends, family, and even Sunday school students.
• “And 40 people, some co-workers, many from church, Sunday school students, my 13-year-old daughter...” (Paul Normandon, 14:07)
• Self-reflective and comedic: “I'd like to tell you I was a brilliant improviser...I was fucking so confused. My head was ready to explode.” (Paul Normandon, 14:33)

Notable Quote

“Did you really just say that? And then she said, what do you really want? So I got out of that one.”
(Paul Normandon on his wife’s reaction, 08:36)

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Host Interlude: FetLife and the Redhead Fetish

Host: Kevin Allison
Time: 15:51 – 17:20

• Kevin shares his own encounter with fetish groups online, noting the disparity between groups for those who love redheaded women versus redheaded men.
• “There’s a fairly newer group which is like people who love red headed men. And there’s like four members. So we’ve got to do something, people.” (Kevin Allison, 16:50)

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Story 2: “Testicular Torsion”

Storyteller: Nick Scott
Time: 20:21 – 32:30

Summary

• College student Nick’s late-night solo session at home goes awry when he is overcome by severe testicular pain.
• Convinced by WebMD that he has six hours until emergency surgery or permanent loss, he panics but is desperate not to reveal the embarrassing cause to his parents.
• Hilarity and mortification ensue as his only option is to elicit his dad’s help and navigate the hospital system in agony—and secrecy.

Highlights & Memorable Moments

• Recurring attempt to “power through it,” echoing football-coach motivation.
• The mortifying 7-11 detour by his Ambien-dosed dad: “I open my eyes and see that we are at 7:11. And my dad gets out, walks in...and he finally gets a donut and he comes back out and he's like, I just thought I'd get snacks. I don't know how long this is going to be. I was like, dad, we're on a time crunch.” (Nick Scott, 27:23)
• Series of excruciating parent, nurse, and doctor interactions, all while refusing to admit the true context.
• Eventually, it’s “just a cyst”—and Nick feels simultaneously relieved and frustrated.

Notable Quote

“I really disappointed my football coach.”
(Nick Scott, 32:26)

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Story 3: “Graffiti Rosetta Stone”

Storyteller: Daya Lakshmanarayana
Time: 33:12 – 44:12

Summary

• Daya describes an uprooted childhood as the daughter of Indian immigrants, bouncing from city to city and school to school.
• Misfit status is constant, magnified by race, vegetarianism, and an unpronounceable last name; behavior issues lead to expulsions from both Lutheran and Catholic schools.
• Struggles with academics and reading, until one fateful day she learns to decode her first sentence—from bathroom graffiti.

Highlights & Memorable Moments

• Daya’s deadpan observations on fitting in: “We were tiny brown Indian, Hindu vegetarians with a 16 letter last name. We did not fit in.” (Daya, 34:20)
• “My mother read a letter, and she looked at me with sadness in her eyes, and she goes, ‘Your scholarship was not renewed, which just means, never come back to our school, you little brown heathen.’” (Daya, 36:14)
• Her breakthrough reading moment with “Jesus loves you, motherfucker” written in lipstick in a bathroom stall.
• The affirmation: “Their pornographic graffiti was my fucking Rosetta Stone.” (Daya, 44:08)

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Story 4: “Coke vs. Pepsi (Girl Code)”

Storyteller: Michael Jastrow
Time: 44:53 – 58:11

Summary

• Socially awkward Mike’s longing for a girlfriend leads to his first relationship via coded messages at a high school party.
• Girls refer to him as “Coke” and orchestrate the courtship with Mary, who ultimately switches her affection to his more charismatic friend Craig—now “Pepsi.”
• The fallout: heartbreak, betrayal, and the revelation that Mary is terminally ill.

Highlights & Memorable Moments

• Comic detail: “...a silk paisley shirt that was kind of opened in a half butterfly neck that showcased my single chest hair...” (Michael Jastrow, 47:24)
• Girl code sequence: “Mary really likes Coke...Coke is out. Pepsi is in.” (Michael Jastrow, 52:30 & 53:10)
• Anti-climax: Michael is dumped, Craig moves in, and a “Truth” game reveals Mary’s terminal illness—stunning everyone but her close friends.
• Sobering reflection: “Other people aren't objects to be coveted, and...there's a very good chance that you're not going to be the main character.” (Michael Jastrow, 57:39)

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Story 5: “Drive Good”

Storyteller: Sam Dingman
Time: 59:00 – 71:45

Summary

• Struggling in New York as an actor, Sam takes up cab driving, finding satisfaction and belonging in simply “driving good.”
• A severe accident leads to an illegal offer from the other driver’s husband, a brush with insurance fraud, further vehicular misfortune, and a profane voicemail threat.
• After a full mental breakdown (in front of a passenger), Sam pivots in life, lands an office job, and reflects on both happiness and mundane security.

Highlights & Memorable Moments

• The gravitas of “just drive good” as existential guidance.
• “If I took this mangled taxi back to Sonny’s garage, he wasn’t going to care how the whole thing happened. He was just going to fire me.” (Sam Dingman, 62:15)
• “You motherfucker. You think you’re gonna get away with this bullshit? I got your phone number, asshole...” (Voicemail played at 68:30)
• Final moment of catharsis—surrendering the cab for an admin desk job, acknowledging he's never again had as much danger nor ever been as happy as that moment on the Grand Central Parkway.

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• Paul Normandon (on surprise party switcheroo):
  “I was fucking so confused. My head was ready to explode. I don't know that anybody noticed it, but I'm sure for a few minutes I was a little pissy.” (14:33)
• Nick Scott (on not wanting to tell his mom):
  “Mom, I'm talking to dad right now. Dad, just trust me. Like, we need to go to the hospital. It's a time. We have six hours.” (25:40)
• Daya Lakshmanarayana (on graffiti literacy):
  “Jesus loves you, motherfucker. And I started reading because of bathroom graffiti on the stall...their pornographic graffiti was my fucking Rosetta Stone.” (43:20, 44:08)
• Michael Jastrow (on lesson learned):
  “Other people aren't objects to be coveted, and...you're not going to be the main character.” (57:39)
• Sam Dingman (final realization):
  “And I have never again been in as much danger as I was that day...But I've also never been as happy as I was that night on the Grand Central Parkway.” (71:43)

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Episode Highlights & Tone

• Candid, irreverent, and brutally honest—stories run the gamut from embarrassing sexual mishaps and adolescent heartbreak to the immigrant child’s outsider perspective and the search for purpose amid urban chaos.
• Frequent comic relief is used even in moments of serious vulnerability.
• The episode features a lived-in, confessional tone that makes each narrative intimate, often hilarious, and sometimes unexpectedly moving.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Time | Segment/Story | Storyteller | |-----------|--------------------------------------------------|-----------------------| | 03:50 | Opening, Austin intro | Kevin Allison | | 06:41 | “The Redhead” | Paul Normandon | | 15:51 | Host interlude (FetLife, redhead fetish) | Kevin Allison | | 20:21 | “Testicular Torsion” | Nick Scott | | 33:12 | “Graffiti Rosetta Stone” | Daya Lakshmanarayana | | 44:53 | “Coke vs. Pepsi (Girl Code)” | Michael Jastrow | | 59:00 | “Drive Good” | Sam Dingman | | 72:52 | Outro song snippet and wrap-up | Kevin + group |

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Closing Reflection

RISK! “Live from Austin!” is an indelibly wild, funny, and humane listen. Whether new to the show or a longtime fan, this episode captures the highwire act of live storytelling: moments of excruciating honesty and humor that viewers think could never happen—but that always do. For all its unfiltered moments, the warmth and heart of the evening shines through.

Final Word:
“Today's the day. Take a risk.” (Kevin Allison, 73:11)

Transcript

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[Kevin Allison]

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[Michael Jastrow]

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[Nick Scott]

Enconuna auto se vuelben bastante practicas el.

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[Nick Scott]

Risk.

[Kevin Allison]

Hey folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories. They never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison and every Thursday we release these special episod where we look back at content from our earlier years. Keep in mind that some announcements in older episodes might be outdated and sometimes even things that are said in the stories. We always say that the name of the series itself is a bit of a content warning. This week, an episode that premiered in September of 2013 is an episode we call Live from Austin.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Wow.

[Nick Scott]

Risk.

[Kevin Allison]

Hello, kids. This is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison and this is Sean Lee. Behind me now, and also behind me in my living room is a beautiful Korean boy who just said to me, oh my God, I just got to hear a Stamps.com ad done live in person. That's the magic. You managed to make it into my bedroom and it's not that hard to manage. You're gonna hear a lot, a lot of stamps.com ads live and in 3D, my friends. And you know what else is live? We're calling today's episode live from Austin. We had the best time in Austin, Texas just a couple weeks ago. Here's the thing, though. I was so upset that I could only be there for about 24 hours. See, when we come to town for the first time, we usually can only do one show and one workshop. So I want everyone in Austin to know we want so much to come back and we want to do several shows and several workshops. So if you are in Austin, if you're in the storytelling scene there, if you have a theater or a school there, or if you just love the show and want us to come back, contact us, write to [e-mail] we really want to make that great city a place where we're building a little bit of community. You know, we want to come back as often as possible and you'll soon hear why I say that, because this show is so phenomenal. People really brought it. We're very proud of the fact that we don't just feature, you know, famous stand up comedians or writers or actors or whatever, but we often feature people who have completely different careers than all of that, but who love this show and are excited to work one on one with me on shaping a story to share on it. All right, we're going to start with the fabulous local storyteller from the Austin scene, Mr. Paul Normandon, with the story we call the Redhead.

[Paul Normandon]

I'm going to tell you the story of my 40th birthday. Now, my 40th birthday was March 26, 2002. But the story doesn't start there. It starts in 1990, when I met my wonderful, fantastic girlfriend, Victoria Hawthorne. And we had been dating about 10 months when my birthday rolled around and she asked me a question. Most of you will consider this question innocuous. You will consider it not worth your time. Maybe I maybe did spend a little too much time with it. What do you want for your birthday? Most people, right. Oh, how sweet. You would be concerned with what I want. So you actually ask me to make sure you got something I wanted. How sweet of you. Thank you. Or you could take it a different way. You could imagine a genie popped out of a bottle and said, if you could have any wish, what would it be? And to that I answered, a redhead. We've been dating for 10 months. And I said, a redhead. So, yeah, we were off to a good start. She laughed, right, that's good. And she smiled and she was still talking to me and it was funny. And a year rolled around, my birthday.

[Nick Scott]

Came, like it does every year. And she said, what would you like for your birthday?

[Paul Normandon]

And I said, a redhead. Because it's a callback. It's comedy. That's what you do. And she laughed. Not as much because it was a callback, right? And then the next year, my birthday rolls around and we've been married for two months and her dad had died just 12 days earlier. And she asked me, you know what's coming. She asked me, what do you want for your birthday? And I said, a redhead. And then she gave me that look that women practice with their women friends. Oh, you know that look. Yes, that look, exactly that look that says, what the fuck is wrong with you? Did you really just say that? And then she said, what do you really want? So I got out of that one. A year later, we are happily married with a house and two dogs and I say, a redhead. A year later. It wasn't funny then, trust me. A year later.

[Nick Scott]

She says, what do.

[Paul Normandon]

You want for your birthday? We're now taking classes through Child protective Services. When I say a redhead, a year later, we have adopted a 7 year old girl from Child protective services. I say, a redhead. She's laughing again. We have great jobs, we're teaching Sunday school and going to church every week. And I say, a redhead. And then I'm fucking 40 years old and I'm at work on my birthday. At 11:30am the phone rings and three statements are said on the phone. The first one Be at your favorite restaurant at 6 o'. Clock. The second one, my best friend Stephanie will be with us. The third statement. We have a hotel room for the night.

[Announcer/Commercial Voice]

Click.

[Paul Normandon]

Now, most of you parse that just fine. For me, the voices started in my head because the click disavowed everything I thought I heard. Because the voice was going, no fucking way. You did not hear what you think you just heard. And there was a little voice on the other side of my head, was very quiet and very sad, and it said it could happen. And for every five minutes that went by, this voice was very powerful in getting its word out, you know, no fucking way. And then this voice was like, it could happen. And every time it could happen, I called my wife back and she refused to answer the phone or hung up. So for 390 minutes, I languished. Did I hear what I thought I heard? And when I got to the restaurant and I walked in, their backs were.

[Michael Jastrow]

To me.

[Paul Normandon]

And there was my beautiful wife on the left. And there on the right is this beautiful, stunning, over sexed, super slutty, incredibly beautiful ass, younger best friend of my wife. Did I mention she was a redhead? As I approached the table, there between them on the corner, was a key card to a hotel room. My heart was going about 9 million miles an hour. I sat down. I know I ordered food. I know I ate food. I know I had the good common sense not to ask anything until the food was done. And then I looked up and I said, so, what's really going on tonight? To which Stephanie said, without missing a beat, you know, I like a man with a bit of a paunch. I like them to sit in a chair, and I like to climb on top of them and let them slide into me. And then I like to grind my clit against them till I come. Now, I was embarrassed then I just said that out loud in front of an audience. So I'm really embarrassed. But the waiter who had stepped up behind her, he was really red, but he had that look on his face that guys give each other. You know the one dude, yeah, I saw that look again a few minutes later when we were entering the lobby. And both women, one took my left arm, Victoria. And Stephanie took my right arm. And in front of the hotel desk clerks, they kissed me, each on the cheek at the same time. And I'm thinking, this is gonna happen. Forget the no fucking way, this is happening. And we start to go around to the hallway that leads to the door of the hotel room. And I'd like to tell you that at this moment I was thinking about how courageous my wife was, how brave she was to risk her relationship with her best friend. How amazing she was to offer me such a gift. How unbelievably loving she must be to risk our sex life and potentially our marriage. But I was thinking about Stephanie grinding her clit on my paunch and I couldn't think about anything else. And as the little key card came out of the door and the lights turned from red to green and Stephanie was kissing me on my cheek and my head was light and I thought I would pass out, I watched her start to walk away as the door opened and I thought, where the fuck is she going? As I heard surprise yelled from inside the room. And 40 people, some co workers, many from church, Sunday school students, my 13 year old daughter. I'd like to tell you I was a brilliant improviser and I dropped this shit over here and I walked in confidently and complimented the beautiful balloons and the cake with all the candles and hugged all my friends with great joy. I was fucking so confused. My head was ready to explode. I don't know that anybody noticed it, but I'm sure for a few minutes I was a little pissy. I never had sex with Stephanie. My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. We taught Sunday school for 13 plus years. We were devout Christians, we love our lives. And every time she asked me what I want for my birthday, I say whatever. Thank God.

[Kevin Allison]

Paul normandon. Now weren't you surprised it wasn't me in that hotel room? I like that he used the adjective beautiful.

[Announcer/Commercial Voice]

Asked.

[Kevin Allison]

Should be in the Oxford English Dictionary next year. You know, I was talking in the kink community there's something called FetLife which is, yeah, it's Facebook for kinksters. And it's where people go to like share tips and talk about events coming up and stuff like that. It's very, it's not a hookup thing, it's more of a communal thing. But there's all These groups on FetLife for people with particular fetishes, right? So I, when I got there I was so excited because I was like, oh my God, redheads. There's gotta be a group for redheads. And sure enough there is a group called People who Love Redheads. But then it specifies in parentheses, women, red headed women. And there's like, I don't know like 60,000 people that are members of this group. And then there's a fairly newer group which is like people who love red headed men. And there's like four members. So we've got to do something, people. Do whatever you can to start developing that fetish.

[Announcer/Commercial Voice]

Please. We'll be right back.

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[Kevin Allison]

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[Kevin Allison]

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[Kevin Allison]

Hey folks, it's Kevin here. I want to let you know about a podcast called How Was yous Week? With Julie Klausner. It's hosted by the NYC comedy legend Julie Klausner and part of the acclaimed Forever Dog Network. You might remember how was your week from its humble inception back in 2011. I was on it back in the day. Now Julie's back and she's got monologues, pop culture takes interviews with experts, comedians, writers, documentary filmmakers and authors. All about stuff you're not going to find anywhere else. So tune in to how was your Week? Every Tuesday and Thursday for new episodes. Available on Apple, Spotify or wherever you.

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[Kevin Allison]

We're back. All right, our next storyteller. It's been so exciting to make all these new acquaintances because there's talent here in town. There's so much like happening in the comedy and storytelling and everything world. But he actually is. He comes into town from Dallas sometimes and he is in a group called Atlantic Pacific Billy, an improv group there. So that happens at the Dallas Comedy House on a regular basis if you happen to be over there. So please welcome to the stage, Mr. Nick Scott.

[Nick Scott]

Thank you. One night I was visiting. I was back home visiting. I was in college and I was visiting my parents for the weekend. It was late, I was about to go to bed, and I decided that it would be a good time to masturbate. And that's because that's what guys in college do. It was important that I am super quiet about it because I was at my parents place and I had made it that long without ever being discovered or embarrassed by my parents in any sort of sexual situation. So I was very careful to make sure that they weren't going to find me out this time. I wasn't going to get to college and then be embarrassed. So I sat down at my computer, had my lotion, and I pulled up some material to masturbate to. I happened to pull up some cheerleading pictures and not even like cheerleading porn pictures, like, just regular. Just like cheerleaders. And so I started to masturbate. And it was going great. I was just stroking and all of a sudden, all of a sudden, mid stroke was the worst pain that I've ever felt in my life. It felt like somebody had just punched me in the balls. Like my stomach was sick. I felt like I was gonna throw up. Like, it was horrible. So the normal thing to do would be to stop in that situation. But I guess it was like the fact that I was looking at cheerleaders, like I could hear the voice of my football coach in my head, you know, just saying, like, just power through it. You can just.

[Michael Jastrow]

You just.

[Nick Scott]

You just power through it. So that's what I decided I would do. I was like, oh, yeah, I'll just. I'll just power. I'll just power through this. I can do this. So I started stroking again, but with every stroke, it felt like again somebody was hitting me straight in the testicles. So I'm sick to my stomach. I can't breathe. But I think, you know what? Maybe what? I just need to lay down for a second, let the pain go away. So I do that and nothing happens. I lay down and there's still a throbbing. I'm still sick to my stomach. So I kind of start to panic a little bit. So I get up, I sit back down in the chair, I close out the cheerleaders and I pull up WebMD and I put in all my symptoms. Everything that's happening to me. And the top thing that comes up, that it could possibly be is what's called testicular torsion, which is where one of your testicles gets twisted around. And then the tube that connects your testicle to the rest of you, I guess, gets completely closed off. But the terrifying thing was at the very bottom, it Sundays, you have six hours to get into surgery or you will lose your testicle. So automatically, I'm freaked the fuck out. Most panicked I've ever been in my life. And so I was like, I gotta get to hospital. I gotta get to hospital right now. But, you know, the first thing I think is, I'm gonna. I'll drive myself. That's the easiest thing that I can do, is drive myself to the hospital. So I get up and I reach over to my dresser and grab my keys, and I start trying to walk to the door of my room. And I can't. Like, I'm so in so much pain, so sick to my stomach, can't breathe, can't even make it to the door. So I sit back down in the chair. All right, I can't do it. I sure as hell I'm not going to mention any of this to my parents ever. That's the last thing that I'm ever gonna do. My parents and I have a very loving relationship where we never talk about sex at all. And everybody is okay with that. I didn't want to upset that dynamic at this point. So I started thinking of my option, like, I'll call somebody. I'll call a friend. They'll come pick me up, they'll take me to the hospital. I'll explain to it. I'll explain it to my parents in some way the next morning. I'll figure it out then. And then, like, I start to reach for my cell phone and realize, like, if I call my friend, I'm back home. It's not going to be long before, like, everybody I went to high school with knows that I had testicular torsion. And forever I'm going to be the testicle guy. Like, I don't. That's not. Like, every time I ever come into town again, I'm going to be the testicle guy forever. And that's not something that I want. So I, you know, I nix that idea and I go back to him like, well, again, I'm not going to my parents. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm just going to. Again, I'm going to power through this. I'm going to get to my car and I actually make it out of My bedroom, this time into the hallway. And the front door is like five feet from me. And I just go, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, as I, like, slowly sink down the wall. And so I say, well, fuck, I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna have to go to my parents. I'm gonna have to. That's my only option. So I gather up all the strength I have and just like, still horrible pain feeling like now just like a smaller hand is punching me in the balls. I, like, slowly I make my way down the hallway, like, leaning on the wall, climbing there. I reach my parents bedroom door and I open it up. I just go, dad, dad. And I hear my mom go, nikki, what? And I go, no, Mom. I said, dad. I specifically, I said, dad, I don't want to talk to you. Just wake dad up. So she kind of, you know, like pushes him or my dad or whatever, and he's just kind of like, what is that? And I go, dad, we have to go to the hospital. My mom's like, why do we need. Why do you need to go to the hospital, Mom, I'm talking to dad right now. Dad, just trust me. Like, we need to go to the hospital. It's a time. We have six hours. I need to get to the hospital. And I was like, why do we only have six hours? I'm like, look, I'm having an issue with my testicle. There's a pain in it. We just need to get to the hospital. Well, what were you doing that there was a pain? I was like, I was just sitting. I was just sitting there and all of a sudden, all of a sudden there was a pain in my. We just need. We need to get to the hospital. Okay? And so eventually she pushes my dad out of the bed and we get in the car and my dad, you know, puts the key in the ignition. I'm in the passenger. Passenger seat, and he puts the key in the ignition, and he looks over at me and he goes, I took an Ambien. It's just, Wait, like, I didn't think that I could be any more panicked at that point. I was like, oh, great, now my dad's gonna fall asleep. And not only like, am I gonna lose a testicle, but also like, I'm gonna hit a fire hydrant or something tonight. And. But he, you know, so he turns the car, we're driving, and. And for a while, like, I'm so panicked. I keep checking to make sure he's not falling asleep, but after a while, I feel comfortable that, you know, that he's not going to fall asleep at the wheel. So I lean back and I close my eyes and I take in a deep breath and I'm trying to just, you know, it's going to be okay. We're on our way now. I've got plenty of time. We still have what, I'm looking at it, about 5 hours and 30 minutes in order to get to the hospital. So we're good. We're good. And I feel the car slow down, stop. Dad turns off the car and breathe a sigh of relief, happy that we're finally at the hospital. And I open my eyes and see that we are at 7:11. And my dad gets out, walks in, I watch him through the window, and I see him get coffee and then like, slowly select what snack he wants with his coffee. And he finally gets a donut. And he comes back out and he's like, I just thought I'd get snacks. I don't know how long this is going to be. I was like, dad, we're on a time crunch. So we get back in the car and finally we're, you know, we don't know how long. We don't know how crowded the emergency room is going to be. So we get back in the car, we drive to the hospital. Luckily, there's nobody else in the emergency room. And they get to me almost immediately and, you know, they take me back to this little room and they're like, well, your dad can come with you if you want, or you can, you know, be by yourself. And I didn't really want my dad there while, like, the doctor felt me up or whatever, which I assume was what was going to happen. So I told him, you know, you can go wait in the waiting room. And he goes, all right, I'll go. I'll go out there. I really hope it's not cancer.

[Paul Normandon]

And he just leaves.

[Nick Scott]

Like, at that point, like, I had not even considered the fact that possibly I have cancer in my testicle and that's what's causing this. So again, I didn't think I could be any more panicked when I was in the car. And now, like, I'm just off the charts, like, thinking like, oh, I have cancer. I'm lose all my testicles, probably just. And possibly die. You know, I might as well die at that point. And so, like, the nurse comes in, like, kind of a cute girl, kind of a cute nurse, and she's asking me, like, so you've got a pain in your testicle. I understand. I'm like, yeah. She's like, well, what were you doing that this happened? And I go, I was just sitting there. I was sitting there, you know, I didn't want to say that I was masturbating in front of this really cute girl. I was like, I was just sitting there and I just got this pain. And she goes, really? I go, yes, that's. Yes. And she goes, really? Was that. Was it what you were really. I go, yes, just please get the top. I have to be in surgery soon. And so the doctor comes in, he says, all right, we're prepping surgery. Just real quick. We're gonna send you to get an ultrasound just to make sure, like, we know what we're dealing with. So if you would just, you know, we'll take you back to the ultrasound room. So I go back to the ultrasound room, which is this, like, dark, kind of creepy room. And it's just me and the lab tech. There's this Asian guy, like, you know, just sitting at the corner computer or whatever, and he hands me a tube of like, KY jelly. And he just. And he just goes, rub it on your balls. Like, it wasn't even. It wasn't even like a. Please apply this to your testicles. Just like, just rub it on your balls. So I lay there awkwardly and just like applying KY12 to my testicles. And he gets out. He gets out the little. The ultrasound thing or whatever and starts to run it over me. And I just. I feel like I'm getting felt up by R2D2. It's like. And, you know, like. And just a really awkward, just silent few minutes as he does this. And finally they take me back to the room and the doctor comes back and he's like, well, we got the ultrasound results. Some good news. It's not testicular torsion. You just have a cyst on your testicle. We're just going to give you some anti inflammatory and some pain pills and you'll be fine. And there was a part of me that I was like, oh, thank God there's nothing wrong with me. And then there was another part of me that was like, wait a second. Now I have drugged myself through all that embarrassment with my parents, destroyed that dynamic, and I didn't even lose a testicle over it. And also, I really disappointed my football coach. So thank you.

[Kevin Allison]

Nick Scott, everyone. Our next storyteller. You may have heard her on another storytelling show that you can hear on NPR called Snap Judgment. It comes out of San Francisco. She herself comes out of San Francisco. She's Doing stand up tomorrow at the Velveeta room. So we're thrilled to have her with us today. Please welcome to the stage Daya Lakshmanaria. I did that so well backstage and then blew it up here.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

It was very good. For a white person. It was very good. The first box that I would open up contained my stuffed animals. My mom, kitchen supplies, my dad, magazines. They were his scientific journals. See, we moved around a lot. Buffalo, Cleveland, Birmingham, Alabama. That's a whole other story. As we moved around a lot, it was because, well, in my mind it was because we were vigilantes and we were running from the law. But in reality, my dad is a physicist, which is less interesting. And it was cool because he'd get offered these grants and cool projects and, you know, it doesn't sound like places like Buffalo and Cleveland and Birmingham have science. So they're like, oh, let's get an Indian to come here and do it. So that was really interesting. But then me and my mom and my brother didn't find it so interesting because these were cities like Buffalo, Cleveland and Birmingham, Alabama. So we suffered a little bit. And we, no matter where we went, we were the same. We were tiny brown Indian, Hindu vegetarians with a 16 letter last name. We did not fit in, but my parents wanted me to fit in. So at the age of four, they put me in a Lutheran school. Yeah, so. And the Lutheran school, school. My behavior issues started coming up. I would steal other people's snacks. I would take their coats for ransom and give them back only if they bribed me with snacks. And I would make everyone cry. And this wasn't going very well because I was on scholarship to the Lutheran school and it was December. And I remember all of the children were extremely joyous and happy in December. And of course this pissed me off. I remember my mother telling me before I went to the Lutheran school, just remember, we are Hindu. There's no Jesus, there's no Santa, there are no presents. And the no presence was important because my dad was doing a postdoc and my mom wasn't working, so money was tight, so they had to set expectations. So that week when all the kids were joyous, I looked at them and I said, there is no such thing as Santa Claus. Yes, Everyone started crying. And one girl who was really brave, Becky, came up to me and she confronted me. She was like, if you don't believe in Santa, you don't believe in Jesus Christ. Yeah, Becky, pretty much. Yes, that would be correct. I mean, now. Okay, cool. I like the idea of Jesus, he helped people, healed the sick, that kind of stuff. But at that age, I remember seeing the Hindu gods. They were blue and buff, and they had discus, and one of them flew through the air. I mean, they were superheroes. And I was unclear what Jesus superpower was. I mean, he was in despair most of the time. And he kind of sat there and he was like, I'm sad. You know, like, didn't do much for me. So later that year, my mother read a letter, and she looked at me with sadness in her eyes, and she goes, you scholarship was not renewed, which just means, never come back to our school, you little brown heathen. And because there was no scholarship, they couldn't afford to send me back. So what they did was my mother decided to stay home with me, and for extra cash, she would babysit neighborhood kids. And I remember seeing her picking up these kids and kissing them and hugging them and giving them love and smiling, and I hated that. So I would take the kids food, and I would hide it, so at lunchtime, they would cry out of hunger. Eventually, my mom made me tell her where the food was, and they got fed, so it wasn't bad. But my mom lost that job as a babysitter. So we moved again. And this time I entered this school that was called, like, the Sacred Heart of the covenant, St. Margaret Mary, something like that. I mean, if the Lutherans didn't want me, the Catholics might. So they decided to try that. I went to the school, and there was this kid there who put his arm around me and opened the door for me, pulled out the chair for me. He shared his snacks with me. I waited until the right moment, and boom, I punched him in the nose. Yeah, I don't know why people are cheering at that, but I was like, look, dude, I'm not ready for that kind of thing. I'm five, you know, maybe when I'm older, we can discuss that. So I got kicked out of that school as well. And at this point, they really were concerned about my behavior issues, and I wasn't learning. My behavior was not the only issue that I wasn't up to speed with the other kids. So they wanted to, you know, try to do as much as they could. So every day, my mother would read to me and take me to the library and try to get me interested in stuff that was academic to prepare me for the kindergarten readiness exam. And on the day of the kindergarten readiness exam, we showed up at School, and Mrs. Baird took me into the corner, and they drilled me. They Asked me questions like, what is this shape? What is this color? Tell me your address. Minutes later we walked out and Mrs. Baird looked at my mom and was like, I don't think your daughter is ready for kindergarten. You might have to keep her another year. And at this point, my mom started begging. She's like, but she knows all these things. She knows colors, she knows shape. Go ahead, Daya, tell her your address. I don't feel like it. You don't feel like it? And I'm like, she's a stranger. You're not supposed to tell a stranger your address. She's like, no, no. She knows all this, I promise. So after some begging, the teacher took me and said, but at the end of the year, if she's not up to speed, we're going to have to send her back home. The first week of class, I made what I consider my first joke, which is Matt was using a crayon and he said he loved it. And I said, well, if you love it so much, why don't you marry it? I got a timeout. And 15 minutes later Mrs. Baird was like, did you think about what you did wrong during your timeout? And I said, no. But I thought of three more new jokes and I got another timeout. It didn't look like I was doing well at all. And my dad would come home from his science and he'd try to explain things to me. And at some point my behavior problems got so bad I was taking fistfuls of pennies and flushing them down the toilet and ruining my parents plumbing. I was like a baby Mitt Romney, you know, just flushing pennies, getting rid of money or you know, like a gangster rap or making it rain in the sewer system. My dad was like, why are you doing this? Is this what Gandhi would do? And I was like, I don't know. He was non violent. I'm not hurting anyone. At this point, I think I saw the sadness in my mom's eyes and she decided to pull me out of school early a few days. And we went on this road trip, my dad and I. And at the time I didn't have a brother. My parents were waited specifically eight years before having another child because they thought one, either it would turn out as crazy as me, or two, it would be nice and I would end up punching it or taking its lunch away or drowning the kid. So they didn't reproduce for eight years. And on this road trip they had to stop at a bathroom. And my mom learned her lesson. The last time we went to A public bathroom. She said, wait right here by the sink. And I didn't. And I snuck under one of the stalls, and I came up, and the lady sitting on the toilet was not my mom. So this time my mother took me in the stall and she said, just turn around. I have to do my business, and then we'll go. And as I turned to the side, I saw these marks. And I started looking at the shapes, and I recognized them. And. And the first one looked like.

[Nick Scott]

I.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Was like, j. Jeez, Jesus. And the second word I recognized, it was la loves. Jesus loves. And you have to understand, at this point, I wasn't reading. I almost got kicked out of kindergarten. I was slow. They called me retarded. And I finished the sentence, jesus loves you. And then the next part was written in a different mascara. And it said, mother. Jesus loves you, mother fu. Jesus loves you, motherfucker. Jesus loves you, motherfucker. And I started reading because of bathroom graffiti on the stall. My mom was like, shut up. Don't read this. Don't read this. And put her hand on my mouth and took me out. We got into the car and my dad was told what was going on. And he said, well, I guess she's going to pass kindergarten. This is good. My parents ended up having another child. My brother. And I love him. He's incredible. And in third grade, they tested me again, and it turns out I wasn't learning disabled or ADHD or as they called it, retarded. I ended up being gifted. So I went to a gifted class and I was learning more, and my behavior problems didn't stop. But I still realized that I was different. And I accepted that difference, and I loved it. And I accepted the difference in other people. And even if they weren't like me. And I thought about those people, whoever they are, who spilled out their truth using makeup products in the stall of a bathroom that's probably been painted over or even torn down. And I thank those people because their pornographic graffiti was my fucking Rosetta Stone. Thank you so much.

[Kevin Allison]

Daya Lakshmanarayaman. Our next storyteller is going to story to tell about how when he was a little boy, he was bullied by a little brown girl who punched him in the nose and didn't like Jesus. No. Our next storyteller, he owns the Cold Town Theater and is a comedian, writer, and performer around town. Please welcome to the stage, Mr. Michael Jast.

[Michael Jastrow]

Thank you.

[Announcer/Commercial Voice]

As long as I could remember, I wanted a girlfriend more than anything else in the world. Even before I knew what it meant to have a girlfriend in the third grade. I got my first crush in the sixth grade. I was looking up the address of my crushes and riding my bikes past their houses and keeping their class schedules written down a little notebook that I kept next to my nightstand. In other words, I was a goddamn stalker by the time I was a freshman in high school. I had a serious problem in that I was cripplingly shy and I didn't know how to talk to anyone, let alone girls. And I had another problem in that I was also into very unattractive things like X Men comic book and Magic the Gathering cards and taking summer school classes for personal enrichment. But it's not that I didn't have any friends. I had a number of very close male friends, and one of my best friends named was Craig. Craig had breezed into town like a year and a half earlier in a whirlwind of anime VHS tapes and black trench coats that he wore year round no matter how hot it was out and Sidebar in hindsight, his trench coat was much less stylish than I thought at the time. Craig had everything that I didn't. He was loud and gregarious. He was sophisticated. I played Dungeons and Dragons. Craig played Vampire the Masquerade. Craig's parents had money and they could afford to buy him all of the things that I want wanted that my mom couldn't afford to buy me. Like things like a Highlander replica sword. But Craig had the one thing that I wanted that money couldn't buy, and that is that Craig had had a girlfriend. And not just one girlfriend, but many girlfriends over the years. Many girlfriends that he had gotten to second base with. And he would tell me this over and over and over again and remind me. And when I would lament the fact that I'd never had a girlfriend, he put his arm around my shoulder and say, don't worry, Mike, you'll have a girlfriend when you're ready. I fucking hated Craig. I wanted to take his Highlander replica sword and cut off his goddamn head and absorb all his power and scream, there can be only one. And then burst into a party and get a girlfriend and feel her up. I was a little bit jealous of Craig. One day at lunch we got invited to a party. The details of how that happened are completely extraneous to the story, so I'll leave them out. But this was going to be my very first boy girl party. Now, I don't know if 15 is young or old to go to your first boy Girl party. But I'm gonna guess that it's old. No. 1. Okay. But I was ready. I had put together this incredible outfit. I came to the party in a silk paisley shirt that was kind of opened in a half butterfly neck that showcased my single chest hair. And over that, I wore a cable knit V neck sweater. And my mom told me I looked pretty sharp. And as soon as I arrived to the party, I figured out that my mom was a goddamn liar. Because everyone else was dressed in, like, jeans and hoodies. And they were looking at me like I was some kind of freak. And they were right. I was totally a freak. I looked like a Russian gangster on his way to the Hamptons. So I sat in the corner of this party, not really making eye contact with anyone. And meanwhile, Craig kind of floated around and was social with everyone. And then I saw her in the corner of the room, looking right at me, this beautiful blonde girl. And she walked towards me in kind of like slow motion with the wind tussling her hair almost like out of a romantic comedy with, like, strains of Pearl Jam floating through the air, because it was the 90s and that's what we listened to. And as she came closer, I recognized her. It was this girl, Jessica. She wore, like, jeans with tears in them that you could see pieces of her leg and, like, these tight shirts that showed off her cleavage. And I saw her one time in the hallway and fell in love last month. And she walked up to me and made eye contact with me. And I thought that this is going to be the moment. And she points across the room and says, my friend Mary thinks you're cute. And I look over at Mary, and Mary isn't hot. She's more mousy. And she's not wearing a tight shirt that showcases her cleavage. She's wearing a wool sweater with a kitten on it and a big orange bow. And I had no idea who Mary was. But the first thought that popped into my head was, good enough. It was good enough because she liked me and thought I was cute. Cuter than Craig. And that was enough for me. So the party went on, and I began to notice that the girls in the party were kind of communicating in a very peculiar way. They were repeating the same phrase over and over again. Mary really likes Coke. Now, it took me a while to figure it out, but when they were saying that Mary likes Coca Cola, they were talking about me. I was Coca Cola. It was a girl code that I had broken. And I was so proud of myself for breaking the girl code. I Was like a really poorly dressed James Bond. And the girl coat got weirder as the night went on. Like, Mary would like a refreshing drink. Mary thinks Coca Cola is kind of cute. Mary would like to go on a date with Coca Cola once to see what it's like. Eventually, Jessica pulled me into the kitchen and asked me point blank, do you want to be Mary's boyfriend? And I was covered in flop sweat because I was too embarrassed to take off my embarrassing sweater because I was wearing a more embarrassing shirt on underneath. And I said, yes, absolutely. And then they brought Mary in, and she asked me the same question. Do you want to be my boyfriend? And I said, yes, absolutely. Now, that whole process was a lot more technical and involved than I had been led to believe. I thought there was, like, romance involved. Apparently, it was just a bunch of forms that you had to fill out. So I didn't know what to do after I became her boyfriend. So I did the only thing I could think of, which is I hugged her and dripped sweat on her face. And then we broke off our hug, and we made eye contact, and this was it. This was my big moment. This was my chance. And instead of kissing her, I patted her awkwardly on the back and left a sweaty handprint. Mary and I went back into the party and basically sat in silence for the next two hours, not saying a word to each other. On the walk back to our houses, I could tell that Craig was kind of distant and withdrawn. And, you know, he said to me, hey, it's really cool that you got a girlfriend, Mike. And I was like. I could tell by the sound of his voice that he was jealous of me. And that made me happier than 1000 Christmases put together at once. So I put my arm around Craig, and I looked at him and said, like, don't worry, Craig. You'll get a girlfriend when you're ready.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Boom.

[Announcer/Commercial Voice]

I got him. So I had a girlfriend at school, but I had no practical understanding of what that meant. So I thought that the safest course of action was for me to just do what I normally did, stick to my routine, which was to silently read science fiction in the cafeteria. But this time, I was silently reading science fiction next to a lady. And it was adorable because she'd say things like, why do you eat cookies for lunch every day? And then I'd say, like.

[Michael Jastrow]

And, you.

[Announcer/Commercial Voice]

Know, now that I think about it, I probably wasn't fulfilling her fantasies of a boyfriend. And Craig saw this, and he swooped in. He turned up all of his immense social abilities up to their fullest. And I could tell that he was trying to move in on my new girlfriend. He pulled all of his tricks. He quoted from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. He quoted from Monty Python's Life of Brian. And I don't know what's worse, the fact that Craig was trying to steal this girl from me or the fact that I was legitimately feeling threatened by someone quoting the dead parrot sketch. But it worked. She was laughing at his jokes, and they were getting closer and closer together. And I didn't have any tools to stop this other than gritting my teeth and awkwardly patting her on the back. I knew it was over at the next boy girl party that we went to because the girls were speaking in code again. And this time the code had changed a little bit. Coke is out. Pepsi is in. Mary took the Pepsi Challenge and found that nine out of 10 times, she preferred the taste of Pepsi over Coke. I wanted to tell the party, like, look, Coke has a more complex flavor profile, so if you just let it linger on your palate a bit, it might be good for a long term relationship. But I didn't say any of those things. And the inevitable happened. Jessica dragged me into the kitchen and she said, mary no longer wants to go out with you. And she kind of gave me this look that said like, I don't want to be here. You're a geek and I'm too pretty. And I said I understood, but my heart was sinking in my chest. I think, like, having a beer probably would have made me feel better, but I didn't drink at the time because I was concerned about getting into a good university. So I went back into the living room and Craig and Mary went into the kitchen to talk. And when they came out, Craig had this gigantic grin on his face. And Craig sat down and all the other girls got up and went into the kitchen to have kind of a conference.

[Nick Scott]

And.

[Announcer/Commercial Voice]

And so Craig and I were the only two people left in the living room. And Craig looked at me and he said, hey, man, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to happen. And I said, it's cool. I didn't really like her that much anyway. I didn't even know her at all. And we both knew that we were lying to each other. And in my head, I knew that that was true, that I had no reason to like this girl. But my heart was broken. My heart wanted to cut Craig's head off. The girls eventually came out of the kitchen and they said, suggested that we play a game that was kind of a modified version of Truth or Dare that was just called Truth. This felt like another kind of rehearsed thing, something that was preplanned because they actually had a grocery bag full of questions written on little slips of paper to ask each other. And so we played this game for a few rounds. You know, like, what's your least favorite subject? Math. What's your favorite band? Guns N Roses. What's your biggest fear? Dying alone. And eventually it became Jessica's turn to ask Mary a question. And it was interesting because Jessica didn't even reach in the bag for the question. She had the question preloaded. She asked Mary, what's your deepest, darkest secret? And there was a pause, and Mary grabbed Craig's hand and kind of squeezed tightly and said, I have aids. I'm dying. The whole room went completely silent. And they all looked at Craig and I, and it was clear that this was some kind of put on or a plan and that Craig and I were the only people in the room that didn't know this information. She continued on to explain that she had had leukemia when she was 8 and that she had gotten a blood transfusion that was infected because it was the 80s and these sorts of things happened, and she only had a couple of years left to live. And I looked over at Craig, and I saw all of the color drain from his face. And there I was faced for the first time in my young life with the very real death and mortality and human suffering. And I only had one thought, which was, that's what you get for being a dick, Craig. That's not a woo moment, because I'm not proud that that was the only thought that I could muster in that moment. I'm also not proud that, you know, this girl who was dying had become, like, a prop in some, like, pubescent revenge fantasy that I had. Mary deteriorated over the next several years, and, you know, by the time she was a senior, she was confined to a wheelchair. And then one day, she just stopped coming to school. And I'm also really not proud of the fact that I never tried to find out what happened to her. I never made an effort to help her or take care of her or reach out to her family. I literally have no idea how she passed away. And Craig and I's friendship deteriorated over the next four years as well, starting on that awkward, awkward walk home. By the time we were seniors, Craig and I were like mortal enemies. I don't know that there's a moral to this story. I think that if I were to come up with one, I'd say it's something along the lines of that other people aren't objects to be coveted, and that when the story is done, there's a very good chance that you're not going to be the main character. And I think about those things sometimes because they have helped me make actual connections with other people in my life and to reach out and to be a little less shy and awkward.

[Michael Jastrow]

Thank you.

[Kevin Allison]

Michael Jastrow, everyone. All right, we have just one more storyteller for tonight, and our final storyteller is a friend of mine from New York City. So it's so funny you come to these festivals and end up running into people from home. He has a baseball podcast called Baltimorons and a storytelling podcast called Dingmantics. Please welcome to the stage Mr. Sam Dingman.

[Michael Jastrow]

I'd been living in New York for a few years, and my acting career was not off to the start that I had hoped. Specifically, the extent of my theatrical experience was originating the role of nightclub patron number three in the off off Broadway debut of Sex and the City. The play. And nightclub patron number three was actually a pretty perfect metaphor for my life in New York to that point, because this was the entirety of the part. Nightclub patron number three arrives at exclusive club. Nightclub patron number three sees beautiful woman. Nightclub patron number three tries to approach beautiful woman, but before he can say anything, she smacks him in the face and says, get out. On top of all of this, I was living in one of those apartments that a lot of people have lived in in New York City, which was basically a drywall tunnel with bedrooms that were sort of sub tunnels off of the main tunnel. And I had this job at a hotel where I worked the overnight shift. And my bed was so small that my head touched one wall and my feet touched the other one. And I would wake up in the morning. Well, I would wake up in my morning, which was dusk for everyone else, because I had slept all through the day. And I knew things were getting really, really bad because I started putting the blinds apart with my fingers and saying, the light is waning. It was obviously time to make a change. So my first thought was, I should go to grad school. But I thought grad school would involve taking everything that has brought me to this place point and doubling down on it. So my second thought was, what if I became a cab driver? Because as an actor, the lesson I had learned from the movie Taxi Driver was, boy, Robert De Niro really connected with that role. The actual lesson of taxi Driver is the city that you have chosen to live in. And the profession that you're interested in combined to make an already fragile man go completely insane. But I became a cab driver anyway. And I found a garage that was run by this guy named Sonny. And he broke things down for me very simply. He said to me, my friend, just drive good. You drive good. You make money. I make money. Everything is fine. We have no problems. Just drive good. And all of a sudden, something clicked for me. Because instead of waking up every day and trying to negotiate this weird quest for fame by maybe getting cast in something that would attract an agent who would come see me and maybe let me freelance for a while and be in a toothpaste commercial and then somehow parlay that into a small role in an indie movie and then get to be in a Marvel movie. All I had to think was, just drive good. Lo and behold, it turned out I was actually kind of a good cab driver. And it was a little bit bumpy at first, but over time, I started to feel like I could do this job really well. And instead of feeling like an outsider in New York, I felt like people in New York need to get around. They come out on the street, they stick their arm in the air, and a cab shows up. And I'm one of those guys. I take them wherever they need to go. And I remember one night in particular, I was driving home along the Grand Central Parkway. And there's this one part where you can look out across the river and you can see the skyline of New York City. And I had just had a really good day of cab driving. Where I had gotten everybody where they needed to go. Didn't get lost, didn't accidentally take people to Ozone park instead of LaGuardia Airport. And there was all this purple and orange kind of reflecting off the buildings on the skyline of New York. And I felt so good. And I rolled down the window, even though it was a really cold February day. And there was all this wind, wind blowing through the window. And I screamed, do you see that, New York? I do belong here. And the idea that I could be happy doing something besides acting hit me really hard. Then a few months later, I was driving along, and I was struck by something else. A Jeep Wrangler. It happened very suddenly. The first moment I was cruising along 79th Street. And it was just like that part in Taxi Driver where you think Travis Bickle might actually get to be with Cybill Shepherd. And then the very next minute, a Jeep Wrangler T boned me. And I spun around and everything was blurry outside the windows. I had no idea what was happening. And all of a sudden, I came to a stop, and I looked up, and there was this very serene policeman's face in the window. And he said, son, everything's okay. Nobody's been hurt. Why don't you step out of the car? So I walk over to the sidewalk, and it turned out that the woman who had hit me had been driving with no seat belt and a baby on her lap. And she was screaming, and the baby was screaming, and the cop was saying, don't worry about her. Don't worry about her. This was her fault. Just fill out this report. So I start filling up the police report, but she comes up to me and she says, excuse me. Excuse me, please. Before you do that, would you just talk to my husband, please? And she handed me her cell phone, and I said, okay, okay, sure, sure. So I took the cell phone and I put it up to my ear, and I said, hello. And then I heard this voice, and the voice said, hey, my friend, I understand we had a little bit of an incident. And I said, yeah, we did. And he was like, well, you know, my wife, she doesn't have a driver's license, so my insurance company, they're not gonna like this too much. You know what I mean? And I did know what he meant, because it was exactly what he was saying. So he said, look, I want to make you a deal. Maybe we don't worry about the insurance companies or nothing. I run this kind of independent body shop up in the Bronx. Why don't you bring the cab up here, I'll tow you $75, we'll fix up the cab. Nobody needs to know nothing, huh? What do you say? So I thought about it for a second, and I looked out at the cab, and I realized that if I took this mangled taxi back to Sonny's garage, he wasn't going to care how the whole thing happened. He was just going to fire me. He had given me very simple instructions. Drive good. And I had driven horribly. And if I got fired, it meant that I was going to lose the only shred of connection that I had to my entire life. So I heard myself say into the phone, okay, man, that sounds good. I'll be right there. And then I hung up the phone and I handed it back to his wife, who was as shocked as I should have been that I had accepted this deal. So I turned to the police officer and I said, you know what, man? We're not going to worry about this one. And I folded up the police report. I put it in my pocket, I exchanged phone numbers with the woman, and I confidently marched back to my cab. I thought, no problem. I'm just going to drive this up to the Bronx, and this guy's going to fix it, and everybody, everything's going to be fine. So I started up the car, and I tried to drive it, but the steering column had been so mangled in the collision that in order to make it go in a straight line, you had to turn the wheel all the way to the left. So I thought, no problem. We're on cab driver rules right now. I know how this goes. I just have to remember that left means straight. But I had also never had a fair to the Bronx before, and I was getting kind of stressed out about that. So as I was trying to negotiate all of this, suddenly I found myself lurching into the oncoming traffic lane. And I looked up just in time to see a truck with the words Manhattan Mousetraps printed on it. And as I read these words and I think, really? Manhattan Mousetraps. I hear, ah. And I shut my eyes and I think, this is it. This is where I die. But then I open my eyes, and I looked in the rearview mirror, and I saw the Manhattan Mousetraps truck kind of careening down the street. And I realized that I had cheated death a second time in that day. And I sat there panting, and I thought, this doesn't happen a third time. It's not a good idea for me to drive this cab up to the anonymous Bronx body shop. So I called Sonny's tow truck and I told him to come pick me up. And the tow truck took me back up to Sonny's garage. And I hung my head and I walked into Sonny's office. And Sonny saw the tow truck bringing the destroyed taxi in. And he said, my friend, what the fuck is this? I said, sonny, I'm really sorry. I got in a crash. Here's the police report. And I hand him the police report, and he breaks into this huge grin. He says, my friend, you have police report. This is wonderful news. We are going to nail this motherfucker. You have done a very good thing today. Here, take new keys, go back out. You keep working. I take care of everything. And just like that, I was back out in the street. Like I was not a person who had wrecked a taxi that day. So I'm driving along and I'm thinking to myself, man, maybe my luck is turning around. Things were a little dodgy there for a second, but I got this, and my phone starts ringing. And I think to myself, I'm not going to answer that, because that would not be safe. But I bet I know who's calling me. I bet it's the casting director from the Public Theater. It wasn't. It was the husband of the woman who had hit me. And he was not pleased about my decision to turn him over to the insurance company. This is the voicemail that he left me. You motherfucker. You think you're gonna get away with this bullshit? I got your phone number, asshole. I got your medallion number. I'm gonna find you, and you're going fucking down. I got this voicemail on 41st street in the worst traffic jam that I have ever been in my entire life. And if you've never been to New York City, there's a particular place, part of 41st street between Broadway and 7th Avenue that's about as long as this stage. And in midday traffic, it can take you 40 minutes to get from one side to the other. And all the cars are right on top of you, and you can't see out, and everything feels like it's bearing down on you. And just as I hung up my phone after receiving this voicemail, a Coach USA bus decided this was the perfect moment to merge into my lane. And it smashed into the side of my cab, and I just lost it. I completely snapped. I started pounding on the steering wheel, and I said, what the fuck is wrong with this stupid city? I thought I was gonna come here and be happy. I'm not gonna be happy. I'm gonna fucking die, and my entire life is gonna have been worth nothing. I was so upset that I forgot I had a passenger in the backseat. And because this is New York City, her response to her cab driver having a psychotic break was to go like this. Oh, God. So somehow I made it to the end of the day, and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to go home because I thought the garage guy might be waiting for me. So I remembered my friend was having a birthday party. So I went to the birthday party, and I drank a lot, and I was telling the story of the day to my friend, and I said, isn't that crazy? I'm probably going to die. And she was like, sam, that is crazy. You're probably going to die. And I was like, I know, and there's nothing I can do about it. She was like, idiot. There is plenty you can do about it. Look, my company is hiring an administrative assistant. We need someone to sit at a desk and answer a phone. Can you handle that? I was like, I don't know. Maybe. She was like, I think you can handle it. When you get home tonight, send me your resume. Okay? So I went home that night, and I sent her my resume. And three days later, I had a job as an administrative assistant. And I never got back in the driver's seat of another taxi ever again. And for the last six years, I have sat at a desk, I have answered a phone, I have booked international flight itineraries, I have shown new employees where their desks are. And I have never again been in as much danger as I was that day on 79th Street. But I've also never been as happy as I was that night on the Grand Central Parkway. Thanks. I was raised up believing I was somehow unique, Like a snowflake, distinct among snowflakes, unique in each way you can see. And now, after some thinking, I'd say I'd rather be a functioning cog in some great machinery, serving something beyond. But I don't.

[Paul Normandon]

I don't know what that will be.

[Kevin Allison]

I'll get back to you someday soon.

[Nick Scott]

You will see.

[Kevin Allison]

Well, that is all for this episode, folks. This is Fleet Foxes behind me. Now, remember, you can follow us on Twitter or Facebook riskshow on Twitter, I'm hekevinalison. And if you want to know more about our storytelling workshops, if you want to try this fun, cathartic, empowering way to improve your communication skills in person in New York or Los Angeles or online, go to thestorystudio.org and with that said, folks, today's the day. Take a risk.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Someday I'll be like the man on the screen.

[Nick Scott]

Sa.