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- [00:00]
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Kevin Allison
Risk.
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Kevin Allison (Host)
Hey folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison and every Thursday we release these special episodes where we look back at content from our earlier years. Keep in mind that some announcements in older episodes might outdated as well as some of what's set in the stories. We always say that the name of the series itself is a bit of a content warning. This week, an episode that premiered in October of 2013. It's an episode we call Live from LA Storytelling Fest. Hello kids, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison and this is Ben Goldberg behind me now. Thanks to Glenn Newbury for introducing this track to me. Today's episode was recorded live at the LA Storytelling Festival put on by LA storyworks. The show was hosted by Beowulf Jones, who is the producer of the monthly Risk shows in Los Angeles, and Billy Scafari, who is on the new fusion show called Sports Talkers. Now this live show that we did at the LA Storytelling Festival begins with one of the best loved storytellers in that scene there in LA. He is a writer and an actor. Brilliant guy, Mr. Brian Finkelstein. So without further ado, let's get right to him. Mr. Brian Finkelstein with a story we call she and I.
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Brian Finkelstein
Hello. So the day I had my first panic attack started like every other day. My wife Jean woke up before me and my wife Jean wakes up every day the happiest person who's ever been alive Ever in the history of people. She. You remember the video a while ago? The guy, the double rainbows, did you guys see that? Like, where it's like, oh my God, it's too rainbow. Like double rainbow. What does it mean? Like, that's my wife. That's her. Like, I think we all passed that video around because we were making fun of the person's joy and wonder at life, right? That's why that video is funny, is because we're like laughing because he's finding magic in life and we're like, what a fucking idiot. I'm not saying my wife's an idiot, but that is a little bit like my wife. And so the day I had the panic attack, my wife woke up first and she went over to the windows and opened them up and looked outside and was like, oh my God, it's a beautiful. Like every day it's a beautiful. It's like, yeah, we live in la, it's always nice outside, but she's always amazed by it. And I woke up different. I woke up the way I wake up every day since I was about 8. And I say the expression, it's better to never have been born, which is kind of my mantra. It's better to never been born. Which it's not even my mantra, it's my fat friend John and he stole it from Sartre, which is really pretentious because he's a fucking existential fucking philosopher. But I feel like I'd rather be a blue collar thief than a pretentious one. So I feel like it's okay to steal from him. I'm not. But what's not okay is to have a mantra. I think so many people I know probably, like you guys move here from la, from other places, from like New York or Portland or wherever. And we come here and we make fun of LA from wherever we are. We look at L. A and we're like, ah, look at those fucking idiots. And it's not. It's a beautiful, wonderful place, but then we come here and then we become those fucking idiots that like. And I think, like, people I know who like, look, ride bikes. Like you ride bikes in New York or Portland, and it's wonderful, it's great. You're saving the environment, it's wonderful. But then you move here and all of a sudden people start like. Like they wear costume. You don't have to wear a costume to ride a bike. You don't have to fucking wear bright. Like, you're not Italian, Joe. You know what I mean? You don't sweat that much. You just go in a fucking Costco, like, don't dress like a fucking Italian. Or. Another thing that people do when they move here is all of a sudden they, like. They rescue pets. And that's great, wonderful. You step over home, it's fine, whatever. But if you're gonna, like, rescue a pet, that's fine. But if you take your pet to a spa, you fucking. You've jumped over the moon, like, look in the mirror because you've gone fucking crazy. If you. If anyone here has taken. I'm talking specifically. If anyone has taken their dog or cat to a spa of any kind, you're fucking idiots. I'm sorry. It's true. No offense. Offense. And then the third LA thing, and this goes to. The mantra is Transcendental Meditation. I have all these friends who are doing transcendent. I don't know anything. I've never read anything about Transcendental Meditation, but it doesn't stop me from having opinions about it. And my opinion about it is that you pay a bunch of money, a lot of money, to some guru to give you a mantra. So my feeling is I would rather steal it from my fat friend John, who stole it from Sartre. And so that's why I say it's better to never been born. But on the day that I had my first panic attack and I said it's better to never have been born, my wife Jean, who's over at the window, reacted by going, Which the sigh. To my wife, it's like, aloha or shalom. You know what I mean? To the Jews or the Hawaiians, it means many different things. And in this way, it means that she's disappointed in me for saying it's better. She's like, how could you say that you wish you were dead? Well, I didn't say that. I didn't say I wish. I do wish I was dead. But I'm not saying that to you. What I'm saying is that maybe if I was never born, it would have been a lot easier for a lot of people along the way. In which case she smiles, which means I won the conversation. And then she kisses me and she leaves the house. So I woke up, and then I was around the house, and I did, like, two hours of Facebook jealousy hating, and then two hours of work, and then two hours of just sort of staring at the walls, trying to figure it out. And then I got hungry and I decided I wanted a chicken sandwich. And so I was gonna go to Gelson's, which Gelson's supermarket. I don't. If you go to Gelson's is the worst, right? That's the worst. Like the caste system of Los Angeles. You have your Whole Foods, which is like your kings or whatever, and then you have, like, Gelson's is probably like your priests, and then Ralph's are your warriors, and then you have, like, Trader Joe's. And Vons are like your, like, you know, sort of plebes. And then. And then you have, like, the Untouchables, which is like Johns and those. And you know. You know what I mean? I'm not untouchable. I like Vons. I don't go to Trader Joe's because I feel like Trader Joe's is like a young man's game. Like, I feel like I'm too old for Trader Joe's. You know what I mean? It's like a hoodie at a certain age, you just have to stop and. Cause it's got all that, like, sad single people food, you know what I mean? Where everyone tries to act happy. They're buying their cheap wine and they're like, margarita pizza. It's like, you're sad, you're sad. It's a sad little store. So. But I go to Gelson's because Gene likes Netflix, likes to watch horrible movies before she goes to sleep, and then wonders why she has nightmares. And one of them is about the food industry because that's all Netflix is, is bad documentaries. And so chicken. No fucking bad chicken. So we gotta go to. Fine. So I gotta go to Gelson's. And on my way to Gelson's. Yeah, you drive. You know, I live in Los Feliz, so it's like, you know, fucking guy on a bicycle, fucking asshole on a bus. And like, you know, I mean, hipster walking so slow, it looks like he took a shit in his pants. And you know what I mean? And so, like, literally, as I pulled into Gelston's, there was a woman my age on a skateboard texting. You know what I mean? It's like I'm literally going to Gelson's and I'm in the Simpsons opening, and it's like, da, da, da, da, da. It's like fucking. And so I go into Gelson's, I go over the deli. I want to get some horseradish cheddar because I like the heat. And then some chicken and then some rosemary bread to smooth it off. So I go over to the deli, and the deli's empty. It's a day. And 56 is the number. And I pull and I have number 40, and there's no one there. And now I'm like, what the fuck? Where did these 16 people go? What happened? And no one's helping me. They're not turning around to help me. And I'm like, what is. Is there a deli game? Does everything in LA have to be politics? Like, I don't know the deli game. I don't have any family members in the deli. I don't know how it works. No one sat me down and told me. And so now my head starts racing because I see this guy Dave in the store, and I see Dave, and Dave's the guy I know and I like. But for some reason, my first instinct when I see him is to hide. You know that where you're like, oh, look, there's Dave. I like that guy. I'm gonna hide. Like, I don't know what that instinct is in public places. And I think I could use the small talk because it would spare Jean. Like, sometimes Jean comes home from work, and I'm home all day working, and she's like, how was your day? And, like, sometimes that's a rhetorical question. And she says, how was your day? And I'm like, it's great. I went to Burbank to get some. You know, I like that. The Daphne's chicken. I like the tabouli there. And then I came home, and then there's those cars parked in Los Feliz, and I feel myself start to race. And, like, I'm driving up the road and there's some guy in a fucking BMW, and he cuts you off, and it's like, I know he knows that I'm fucking coming, but he's like. He thinks his time is more important than mine, and his time is probably more important. But you know what? He drives a fucking BMW. Fuck everyone who drives a BMW. My dad drives. And sometimes when I'm doing that, I look over at Jean and I could see just a little bit of the love leave her eyes. And so I screw it back on the latch that lets all the shit out. And I ask her how her day was. And sometimes she's like, you know, sometimes when I ask you. It is a rhetorical question, Brian. There are such things. And I'm like, oh, yeah, I forget that sometimes. So I see Dave. I don't say hi to him, Then I. Then I see. I go to the register, and because it's a neighborhood and you see everyone, you know, I see this girl Andrea. And Andrea I used to date. And I fucking hide from her because you know what I mean? Like, that's. And Andrea reminds me of my problems with Jean, which is that our relationship, like, we. When I first met her, six months. Great, right? Four months, actually was like my. I do good in four months. Drunk, happy times, good sex, everything's fine. And then at the end of six months, things get weird. I get weird. And not to freak everybody out, I'm gonna talk a little bit about sex. And I know when guys do it, it's not cool, but hold on. And so it would get weird, and all of a sudden, I didn't want to have sex with her. I'd get weird. Like my penis would stop working. And not like I couldn't get boners, although sometimes. But I mean, like, I couldn't make baby juice or I didn't want to, which is weird because a lot of times when I watch porn, no problems. You know what I mean? Never have. But I think my penis is like me, where it's like, don't tell me what to do. You know what I mean? Like, it's like, ugh. And so. And then. And then that would get weird for me. And instead of trying to figure it out, I would leave and I would go home and I would take Vicodin because life hurts. And I would watch House because life hurts. And then I would go watch porn. And this established a relationship of time where I' go four months, then five months watching porn and taking Vicodin. Four months, six months. And it would get longer and longer until eventually, I think I stopped liking human interaction because of the porn and the tv. Like, sort of like a sociopath, like Dexter without the bloodlust. So I don't kill, but the same thing. And this happened. And then I met Jean, and I didn't want it to keep going. And so she's like, we have to see psychiatrists. We have to go get therapy. And I'm like, I'm not crazy. And she's like, look, I think something's weird. The sex stuff is weird. I think maybe you were molested or you're gay. And I was like, oh. And she's like, you know, because everyone. Oprah says everyone was molested. And then just when I said weird, I don't mean being gay. I'm not saying that I'm not homophobic. I do. I am scared of all gay people, but no more or differently than I'm scared of anybody else. It's equally feared. So I Just meant it would be weird to not be able to be who you are and be out, and that would be horrible. And so she's worried that maybe there's something bad. And I think maybe I was molested. I don't know. So we go to a therapist. So she, you know, she decides we're going to go to a therapist and we call this woman Florence, and we get her number online at the site and we call up and they give us the address. And we report at 4:00 on a Tuesday. And we get there and Florence is not there. No one's answering the door. So we ring a little harder and I call her up and I'm like, hey, Florence, we're out. It's our first therapy appointment and we're here. And she's like, no, you're not. I'm like, yeah, we're here. We're outside your fucking house. Florence, what are you doing? And she's like, I'm looking out my window and I don't see you. And she's like, no. And I gave her the address and she goes, no, you are outside my house. That's not my office. They gave you the wrong address. And now she's freaked out because you don't want the crazy people at your house. And I totally understand that. So we work it out and we go to Florence and we go to therapy. And while we're in therapy, it turns out that I am weird and I have some problems. And, you know, the first therapy session goes well, I think I won. You know what I mean? Like, I think. I think I came in first, Jean probably came in second, Florence came in third. But after about six of them, we're tied up at about two apiece and things are going well. And I noticed that Florence keeps giving Gene advice, really helpful advice. Like, you know, you should not internalize things. You should not be. Go to the past, you should be in the present. Like, really good advice. But with me, no matter what I say, she's just like, you need to relax. You just need to fucking relax. And I'd be like, well, I don't understand sometimes that people cut me off on the streets. And I think fucking LA is crazy and people are douchebags. Especially fucking people who drive BMWs. Everyone who drives a BMW, total douchebag. Relax. It's like my father drives, when I relax, sometimes my penis doesn't work. Okay, relax. And this starts to happen. Back to Gelson's now. I got the chicken, I got the bread. I go to the Register. I see Tim and Steve, the people at the register, or Tim and Lisa. And Lisa is like a small Korean woman who doesn't look like her name should be Lisa. But I decided to let that go. I'm confused by that. And she rings me up and she tells me how much it costs. And I go to grab my wallet and I forgot my wallet. And now the lid comes off and I'm starting to melt down and I'm like, fuck, I just came in for chicken all I wanted. And I feel myself starting to race and I feel my head racing and I'm just like, I forgot my wallet. She's like, what? I was like. And I let out like a full on, like, Clive Davis wire. Like she. Like that. And she looks. And she looks a little scared. I'm like, no, no, sorry. I'll tell you what, I'm just gonna run home, hold onto my meat. I laugh when I say that because I'm 12. And she's like, no, no, I can't hold onto it. Let me get permission. I'm like, you gotta get permission. She's like, I gotta get the manager to get. It's like, what is the fucking marine? I'm like, it's not a code red. I don't fucking. And then she calls over Steve. And the managers at supermarkets for some reason have all decided that they don't get offices. They just get like little. Like they're preachers or like they're on the bridge of fucking the starship. Enter. Like, I don't know what that is. Like, give these fucking people office. So Steve comes over, he's like, what seems to be the problem? I'm like, that's a loaded question, Steve. Let me tell you. When I started going to Florence because my penis didn't work, I wanted to take my relationship to the next level. Steve. And it didn't seem to work. Work. And Steve looks at me like I just conversation raped him, which I kind of did. And I go. But then it started working and I realized that, like, I just needed to relax and that I just need to find the right person. And maybe I'm not so fucking crazy. And, you know, maybe things are a little bit weird for me, but it's okay. I go. Because at first I thought it was like I wanted to be like a desperado. I was like, I don't, you know, I like to fucking crazy girls. And I do well with Steve. Crazy girls, Steve. I do. I don't have game with women, but you know what I mean? But If I see a woman, like, in a bar who's got that broken look in her eyes, that's where I'm like, give me the ball. Like, I can. I have a little bit of game. That's where I have a little bit of game. And so I did that for a year, and now I'm Eugene, and I want to get better. And I don't know. And then Florence says, relax. And then things start getting better, and I just don't really understand, Steve. I don't understand what's gonna fucking happen in my life. Because then we got out of therapy, and then we got married, and I was like, oh, my God. I like being alone a lot, Steve. Like, a lot. Like, I like the movie Castaway. I think that's the best movie. And then, like, Lisa's like, me, too. Well, it's a volleyball. It's like, shut up, Lisa. About me. And so I said, yeah, I like that movie, the First Two Thirds, where he's alone on the island, and it's great. And then it turns to shit when he gets off the island. You know what I learns how to fish. Grows a beard. Like, he gets healthy. I think I would do well in the hole, Steve. Like, in prison. I think it'd be an ineffectual threat to say, I'm gonna. I would love the hole. Put me in the hole. I would. Like, you don't have to wear pants. There's no sunlight. You can't see what other people are doing on Facebook. They bring you food. I fucking welcome. The hole. Put me in the hole. Now I'm getting married. And I'm like, okay, so it's okay. Everything's gonna be okay. I'm relaxing. It helps. Florence tells us that we're okay, that we don't have to come anymore. She breaks up with us. Imagine somebody saying that to me that you don't have to come to therapy. And then Steve says, well, in. You know, in all honesty, she didn't say you didn't. She said, you as a couple. I was like, fuck you, Steve. And then, like, what seems to be the problem then? And I said, well, and this is, like, where I start to lose it, and my heart starts racing. And I said, well, because now we're married and we try to have a kid, and we want to have a kid, and we're thinking about trying to have kids. And I, like. I don't want to be like, la. I don't want one of those fucking kids where people are like, I don't say no. And I don't say can't. It's like we're only saying no or can't. If we have a kid. I'm only saying no. Can't. No, can't. And we're going to. We're not going to spank. We're going to beat. We're going to beat our kid. I'm gonna. I'm not gonna beat our kid, but I'm gonna fucking beat. I don't know. I just don't want one of those idiot kids. Those LA kids, I fucking hate them. I like little Kurt Cobain's. Get the fuck outta here. And so I'm like. But then I'm like, oh, we probably can't anyway. Maybe my dick doesn't work. Maybe we don't have enough money. I don't know what's. If we do have a kid and then we're like, oh, let's just try and like, I wanna travel. Maybe if we don't have a kid, we can just travel. I wanna go to Dubai. I wanna go on safari. I don't know why. And so it won't work. We'll try. Once we're old, our parts are probably broken. Jean. One of our parts. And we do. And Gene gets pregnant the very first time we try. And then I start fucking having a meltdown. And I just found out the night before I went to Gelson that Jean and the first two people I told that Gene was pregnant were Steve and Lisa. At Gelson's, before my mom, before any of my friends. I told these fucking people in Gelson's, and I'm losing it. And I start to say, like, I don't know if I'm. And I'm scared shitless that you know, how much money a kid. What's if my kid's Republican? I don't want a fucking little Republican. What's if my kid's a monster? What's if I have triplets? Do you know how expensive schools are, Steve? I don't want to care about the world. I want to die and be done with it. I don't want to have to worry about my. Like, what about fracking? I don't want to have to worry about fracking, Steve. What is that? And so I started saying that, and I was like. And then I say, you know what? Maybe something good will happen. Maybe I. Like, I don't. Maybe she'll have a miscarriage, Steve. Maybe she'll fucking have a miscarriage. And Steve looks at me when I say that, like, okay. And he Sort of walks away. Lisa looks at me like she could give a shit. And she turns back and goes, help. Somebody's like, all right, I'm going to go home. I went home, and I was freaking out. And three months later, we went to New York. We told our whole family. We did what you're supposed to do. Told everyone that we were pregnant. My whole family was there. It was in a restaurant. Italian restaurant in New York. 17 of us split the check individually. I know my brother and fucking Megan didn't put any money in. Me and Gene split an entree, but fuck it. And everyone's happy for us. I fucking. I hate splitting entrees. Because you're just gonna pay for it anyway. You might as well get one. Just throw it out. Anyway, so we tell everyone. They're all happy for us. We come home. And that night that we fly home as we enter the second trimester. And I say, we, but it's her. I hate when guys say we're pregnant. You're not fucking pregnant. She's pregnant, and she has a miscarriage. And it's horrible. It's absolutely horrible. And much. I know a lot of people have gone through it, and I've heard bad stories about it, but at the hospital, it's the doctor. It's. It's evil. The doctor at this hospital is evil. And. But Jean is super, super strong throughout all of it. And I've never. She's amazing. She's a rock star. And I realized, like, in that moment that I, you know, I have problems with everything, but she and I can get through anything. But I learned that three months before when I came home from Gelson's, I was freaking out. I passed out at the Gelson's. I thought I was having a heart attack. I was having an anxiety attack. I was freaking out. And I came home. All I wanted was that chicken sandwich. And she had gone to the store and bought a chicken sandwich materials. And I made a chicken sandwich. And we sat down and she said, how was your day? And I was like, it was fine. Thanks.
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Kevin Allison
Brian Finkelstein.
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Brian Finkelstein
Be right back. We're back.
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Kevin Allison
I am so excited for our next performer. We're throwing her in the deep end. She has never performed for an audience before. She is one of my students. I teach storytelling workshops. But she just came in and she just knocked everyone's socks off. And we thought to ask her to come out here. Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together. The premiere performance of Carrie Wade.
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Carrie Wade
Hello. So I have cerebral palsy. The theme of the Night is weirdo. And now you know why they asked me to be here. Obviously, it's very mild. And I actually like to call myself disabled enough, as in enough for the perks, but not for the bullshit. And there is one piece of bullshit that even I have to deal with, which is that when you have a disability, it's really hard to get anybody to take you seriously. They will often tell you how inspirational and so brave you are. You're a hero. But they'll never ask you to deal with pain or criticism because the underlying assumption is that you're a child that needs to be protected. I don't think any of this comes from a bad place, but having somebody manicure your life like that does make it pretty difficult to grow up, because a lot of adulthood can really hurt, and sometimes in ways that you completely don't expect. The other difficult thing to do when you have a disability is get somebody to fuck you. And I knew this when I had made it all the way through college to 21 without ever getting anywhere near that happening. I'd reached this point. I was always a great student, so I was like, I'm going to make it my first post collegiate project to get laid. And so I go where everyone goes when they're looking for sex and where lesbians go when they're looking for sex with a meaningful connection, which is the Internet. And that is how Alex came into my life. I was intrigued by her from her first message when she admitted that she was nervous to write to me. She said that she was in the bathtub and was drinking a glass of wine to, as she said, keep her courage up. And I probably should have realized that somebody that uses their computer in the bathtub probably doesn't have it all the way together. I also probably should have taken note of the fact that she admitted she was naked. But what impressed me instead was that she was so honest about being nervous. And that made me feel safe, like I could be, too. And that's exactly what I needed. So we met up for dinner, and I remember looking across the table at her, and she had this long, curly blonde hair, which I definitely have a thing for. I think it's because I'm a brunette. And the danger of looking like each other in lesbian relationships is so high that I just want to cut it off right away. I'm like, you're blonde. We're never going to look like twins. It's fine. I can have sex with you and it won't be weird.
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Kevin Allison (Host)
So.
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Carrie Wade
She also had great boobs which I'm not going to pretend wasn't part of it. And I'd known her maybe five minutes in real life at this point, but I knew it's you and not you're the one for me, but I'm definitely going to fuck you later. So once I had decided this, it was like sex was following me everywhere in the world, like, taunting me. And our second date was to see Black Swan, which is a bold choice if you're a lesbian virgin on a date. Because for those of you who don't know, the most talked about two minutes in that movie are a very graphic and surreal sex scene between Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman. And these are two of the world's hottest women. And it gets pretty up in there, you know, there's like a shocking amount of slurping noises in that scene. And the music is like, dun, dun, dun. It's pretty intense. So I'm sitting there watching this with the girl that I'm hoping to sleep with eventually right there. And I was like, is this how it is? Like, is this what you're expecting from me? Because I don't know if I can do all that stuff. So they set the bar pretty high. And of course, when we got there was nothing like that. It was no Black Swan. I thought I was going to be fine because I'd certainly masturbated a lot. How else could I have survived to this age? But I can tell you now that even when you have the same equipment, masturbation and sex are not the same thing. You're in a completely different angle. And I'm like, I didn't even know that could fit in there. Like, there was all sorts of stuff going on. It was not what I thought it was. But after I fumbled my way through that first time, things picked up pretty quickly after that. And so this is maybe two months later. We're lying in bed, we've just finished having sex, and everything is out. Naked bodies, and the sheets are all tangled. And there's that smell, this sex smell in the air. And if you've smelled it, you know that's what it is, right? Anybody that walks into that room is like, I know what just went down in here. So she turns to me and she says, in this moment, so how do you feel about bondagey things? She didn't say bondage. She said bondagey things, which is that girl thing, right? Where you're like, I'm not gonna say the real word because that's dirty. It's like, when you're growing up and your mom is like, call it your flower. You know, it was that same kind of thing. But I got the idea, and my first instinct was, I have no idea how I feel about that because I literally just got comfortable with having sex, period. And now you want to take it to this whole other level. But beneath that initial bewilderment, there was also this glimmer of, yes, I want to try this because I'm a nice young lady. And I'd never admit it without someone asking, but I'd always thought that stuff was kind of hot. And I figured, how many more chances are you going to get to experience this? So I said, let's do it. And I prepared myself. I was like, it's on. This is gonna happen. And then it didn't. It took a really long time to get there, which I suppose in retrospect could be viewed as this larger meta, delayed gratification thing, but at the time, it was just really annoying. And so one night, I finally said, look, you brought this up, and I want to go there with you, and I'm totally ready. And I just don't understand why it hasn't happened yet. What can I do? And in her greatest moment of candor in the entire year that we were together, she said, I'm afraid I'm going to hurt you. And what that said to me was, this woman still thinks I'm a little girl. It hit me right in the place I hate the most, because my entire life, I had worked so hard to be nice and accommodating and kind, mostly to keep people from being afraid of me. Because when you are disabled, you're nobody's usual friend. You're nobody's usual sex partner. Definitely not. It's not like somebody takes off my clothes and is like, yeah, I was prepared for that. Like, that's what I was expecting to see under here. That's not ever going to happen. And I had compensated for that for my entire life by nicing my way into acceptance and creating space for people's anxieties around me and never calling them out on it. I'd done that in this relationship, too. I'd done all the right things. I'd followed the good formula, and I'd been patient, and I had said yes. And it hit me right then that it hadn't worked and that effort had been for nothing. And despite all that stuff I did, she still saw me as more vulnerable than anything else, and not the kind of vulnerable that brings you closer to people but the kind that makes them afraid to touch you. And so I wanted to scream in her face, but I knew that she was just trying to be honest, so I pulled back and instead turned it on her and asked, who's better at pain than me? Because when you have a disability, pain is just part of your life. It's like a second character in all your affairs. There's old pain. I know it's source. I don't have to have done anything for it to show up. Sometimes it just decides to make an entrance. But for better or worse, I've swallowed it and I've learned to deal with it, and it's just there. The new pain is what's scary, because you wonder if this is going to be the time that your body will finally reach critical mass and your life is going to spin out. That's the stuff that freaks you out. The upside of that, though, this layered relationship, is that in general, I can handle pain better than anybody because it's been with me since I was born. So I explained this to Alex, and she was shocked. You could see it on her face, because I hadn't been kind, I hadn't been deferential. I had challenged her. And I'd shown her that she was wrong in assuming that I was innocent and assuming that I couldn't take it, because I could. And so the next time we had sex, she says, close your eyes. I want to try something. And her voice was coming from a completely different place than I'd ever heard it before. It was right from the gut. So this is on. I know that this is the moment, so I close my eyes. She goes off the bed, gets a blindfold, and comes back and ties it around. So even if I had opened my eyes at that point, I wouldn't have gotten to see her. She gets off the bed again, goes over, brings something back, and puts my hands up behind my head. And I hear click, click. And I realize that I'm in handcuffs now. And so then she gets right up in my ear and says, I want you to tell me if this is okay. And I feel a pinch right on my right boob, like, right on the nipple. And then another one on the other side, and then another. And she says, is this okay? And I said, do it again. And I never asked her to stop, which is sort of a shame, because our safe word was dinosaur, which I still think is amazing. And I'm really hoping to bring that back in a future relationship. But anyway, so we're going and going. There's no dinosaur. And she takes the blindfold off to show me what she's done. And my chest is covered in clothespins. There's probably eight to 10, maybe 12 clothespins there. And the skin is purple and blue and all these amazing colors that I didn't know you could make skin that color. And I was looking down, and I'm like, wow, I am going to have to wear some crew necks this week because I am going to be bruised tomorrow. And I had never seen my body look like that before. She's looking with a similar wonder, and she says, wow, I've never been able to do that many. Nobody's ever been able to take that many. It's not very often that I get told I'm good at a physical activity, like, almost never. And there's nothing more physical than sex. Nothing both in terms of what you're doing and how vulnerable you are when you're doing it. And in that moment, I realized that what I'd hoped about myself was true. That my pain tolerance and the things my body does well were assets rather than things to be run from or avoided just because they're not normal. And when you come of age as a woman, you're going to internalize a lot of body shame, no matter who you are. That's just part of the experience. When you have a disability, it just compounds things. And the same thing happened to me. No matter how many times you tell yourself, I'm not sick and there's nothing wrong with me, you never see anyone looking beautiful who looks like you, and you certainly never see anyone owning her body and being powerful in it who looks like you. But in that moment, my body, which had spent so many years letting me down and fighting with me and arbitrarily deciding to do things that I had no interest in doing, it had gone and done something so right, and it had done things that other people's bodies hadn't been able to do. And I realized that what had been perceived by everyone, especially me, as so defective about my body was actually the thing that made me desirable and made me sexy and powerful for the first time in my life. And that moment was beautiful. Thank you.
- [34:04]
Kevin Allison
All right, guys, we're going to keep the show moving right along. Awesome. This next performer is hysterical. You know me from Ugly Americans and also Onion Sports Dome. Please welcome the one and only Matt Oberg. Hey, everybody. How you doing? Give it up for Adam. Yeah, it's difficult to ask people to give it up when you are wearing khakis, but that. That is Jermaine. My story, guys, don't worry. It was germane. So when I heard that the topic for this evening was weirdo, it gave me pause because I consider myself to be a very normal person. There are a lot of graphs that I am squarely in the middle of. What I am wearing tonight is intentional. I. For much of my twenties, this is how I dressed. A nice flat front khaki and a solid tuck. And not because. Not because I had a job that required me to. I was not an assistant manager at a Blockbuster or I looked in the mirror and I'm like, I look like I could lease you a slip at the Marina. I didn't have those jobs. It was just how I felt comfortable and still do. I don't wear this as much anymore because it's a bit too much. But if I'm not wearing this, I'm wearing a costume because this is who I really am. I'm normal. The other day, true, my wife and I went to the Cheesecake Factory. We had an amazing time. It was great. But I will tell you this. For much of my life, I had a very difficult time talking to girls, which in and of itself is a very normal problem to have. Even my issues are right down the middle. But I just had a very boyish upbringing. I had. I didn't have any sisters. My mother sort of tomboyish. I was in the Boy Scouts. I went to an all boys camp. I went to a fraternity. I was not really exposed to femininity all that much and. And I knew it was something I wanted to access, but I had no idea how. I didn't know. It's one of those things where it's a problem that gets bigger and bigger as you can't figure out where to start. It's like it was like another language to me that I was very scared of. It's like if you meet a Swedish person and you've never taken a lesson or read a book, but you're gonna try to speak to them in Swedish.
- [37:02]
Brian Finkelstein
Me.
- [37:02]
Kevin Allison
More, more, more. It's going to be confusing for the other person that first time it happens, but I knew I wanted to start and try. So the second semester of my fifth year of college, little bit of a victory lap. I went. I went abroad. I went to the British American Drama Academy in London. Bada. Yes. It's claimed to fame. It is the school that rhymes with rada but is not. It is run by Sarah Lawrence, which is an all. It used to be all girls. I get there. There's 35 girls and four guys, one of whom is a gay American male who's not, so far as I know, that was not me. And I realized, like, okay, this is going to be an immersion for me. I'm going to sink or swim here. And it kind of goes, well, these girls sort of like me. I'm forced to interact with them. And it goes, okay, they, they have a nickname. They, they start calling me Obes. My last name is Ober. And they're like, obs. I'm like, all right, okay. You know, they laugh at my gags every once in a while. They invite me to their parties. They invited me to their V Day party, which is a real thing that happens on Valentine's Day. This was in the 90s, but they. You read the Vagina Monologues at a V Day party. And I went and I sat there and there's one Vagina Monologue that says something to do about like what a vagina tastes like. And they're like, oops, what do you think a vagina tastes like? And I have to lie and be like, oh, it's like strawberries. That's what I said. I didn't know. I didn't know. I'm a 21 year old male who has yet to be fully loved by a woman, if you know what I mean. And eventually one girl in this pack sort of emerges. I remember we're on the tube and all of a sudden we're holding hands with me and this girl are holding hands and let's say her name is Tina. It's not. I wish it was, but it's not. And it's great. And I realized like, well, it's not being with a girl. It's not like another. It's not like Swedish. It's like jazz. And I am bebopping it. I am in the groove, taking the baseline for a walk and Tina's holding it down and it's going good. And this is also a somewhat adult time in my life. We're on the subway. It's a huge global capital that we're in. And we're in flats. We're not in dorms. We're in this Middle Eastern section of London called Edgeware. And we're all in these flats that were rumored to be like, they used to be bordello's. There's like mirrors everywhere. It's a, it's a somewhat erotic and sensual time in my life. Yeah. And so it's going well with me and Tina. And at one point we're in our flat alone, it's just the two of us, which is rare. There's always lots of people around. I'm like, okay, well, now I need to sort of escalate our relationship. That is the normal thing to do. So I say, would you like to come with me to my bedroom? She's like, okay. I'm like, all right. Great, great, great. And she follows me. I'm like, this is great. This is how it happens. You know, you see people, like, holding hands, and you hear about people doing this, and now I'm doing it. It's a normal thing. It's good. We're in my bedroom. She sits down on my bed, and I say, I would like to show you something. This is true. I go to my sock drawer. I pull out a hand towel that is folded up and wrapped in a rubber band. I take the rubber band off, and I unfold the hand towel, and I show her a collection of my own fingernail clippings. That's something that's true. And that I did. And she is horrified. And, like, immediately, like, the vibe changed to, like. She's, like, concerned for her own safety. And I realized all of a sudden, like, what am I doing? What is this? I thought about. I had been collecting them for almost a year. Okay? It started out where I clipped them into the towel, and I was too lazy to throw it out. And then I don't know at what point in it, but I was like, I'm onto something. And I'm just. I just want to see where this goes. I showed it to somebody. Other guy, friends of mine. They were like, that's awesome. They clipped their fingernails into it. I took it on a plane over the ocean with me to London because I, you know, I might need it. Immediately I realized, like, this is crazy. I throw it. I take it. I throw it out. Outside on the garbage can on the sidewalk. So it can't be, like, traces back to me. And it was not the end of a relationship with me and Tina. But I will say it was a bit of a momentum changer. And I moved to New York. After I was done with college, I moved to New York, and I started talking to girls more. And I realized women don't necessarily really want a normal guy. They want a. Someone who's honest. And I am married now, happily, to a woman who knows me fully and loves me fully. And I have every confidence that if I showed her a collection of my fingernail clippings now, she would be horrified, because that is something disgusting and shameful. And gross. The end.
- [43:59]
Cayucas (Musical Performer)
Did she asked? I said I didn't know? See, ever since I saw you on the back of some guy's bicycle? Well, I've been feeling kind of so, so, so? Girl, don't act so surprised? Got that look in your light blue eyes? You can't stop pretending? Yeah, I've been watching the movie all along? Wonder man? If there was gonna be an ending? To the story? To the story? To the story? I guess I'll never know? See, I was running as fast as I could say? And the things I thought I should? But it was just a little too slow? Oh, a little something? Don't keep me guessing? I open up the door? That's all you want? Dressing the world's king out one after another? You should have been my high school lover? Oh, you should have been mine? Oh? Should have been mine? Oh, oh? You should have been mine? Oh, you should have been mine? Oh, oh?
- [45:13]
Kevin Allison (Host)
Well, that about wraps it up this week, folks. This is Cayucas behind me now, and thanks to the LA storytelling festival for having us. That was a great time. Keep up with us and join the conversation on Twitter and Facebook. We're RiskShow on Twitter. I'm hekevinalison. Pitch us your stories at the submissions page on our site. Folks, today's the day. Take a risk.
- [45:48]
Cayucas (Musical Performer)
High school lover. High school lover. High school lover. High school lover. High school lover. High school lover, High school school.
- [46:12]
Kevin Allison
Over.
- [46:17]
Kevin Allison (Host)
Folks, today's the day, folks. Today. Folks, today's the day. Folks, today's the day.
- [46:34]
Brian Finkelstein
Pull your head out of your ass.