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- [00:00]
Advertiser 1
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- [00:58]
Ryan Reynolds
Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. With the price of just about everything going up, we thought we'd bring our prices down. So to help us, we brought in a reverse auctioneer which is apparently a.
- [01:08]
Kevin Allison
Thing Mint Mobile Unlimited Premium Wireless 3030 better get 30. Better get 20. 2020 better get 20. 20 better get 15 15. 15 15. Just 15 bucks a month.
- [01:16]
Ryan Reynolds
Sold. Give it a try@mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment.
- [01:21]
Advertiser 1
Of $45 for three month plan equivalent to $15 per month required new customer offer for first three months only. Speed slow after 35 gigabytes of network's busy taxes and fees extra. See mintmobile.com Close your eyes, exhale, feel.
- [01:31]
Elna Baker
Your body relax and let go of whatever you're carrying today.
- [01:36]
Advertiser 1
Well, I'm letting go of the worry that I wouldn't get my new contacts in time for this class. I got them delivered free from 1-800-contacts. Oh my gosh, they're so fast. And breathe. Oh, sorry. I almost couldn't breathe when I saw the discount they gave me on my first order. Oh, sorry. Namaste.
- [01:52]
Ryan Reynolds
Visit 1-800-contacts.com today to save on your first order.
- [01:56]
Elna Baker
1-800-Contacts.
- [01:58]
Kevin Allison
Hey folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison, and every Thursday we release these special episodes where we look back at content from our earlier years. This week it's an episode that premiered in May of 2013, an episode we call Live from Philly.
- [02:30]
Elna Baker
La.
- [03:03]
Advertiser 1
Rest.
- [03:16]
Kevin Allison
Hello kids, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison. This is L1011 behind me now and we split our last show that we did live in Philadelphia into two episodes. We featured the first three stories from that show on our last episode. And so this time around, the latter half of that Philly show had a fantastic time doing the show Live in Philly. Both times we've been down there, especially because of the First Person Arts organization. They do so many wonderful storytelling shows down there themselves. Start off with a fellow who's done a lot with them at First Person Arts and who has his own storytelling podcast called the World Exist. Brilliant guy and a terrific comedian, Mr. Brady Dale. And so it is without further ado that we bring you our conclusion to our most recent visit to the City of Brotherly Love. This is Risk Live in Philly.
- [04:44]
Ryan Reynolds
Y'. All. None of this might have happened if not for hoternot.com if you don't remember, hotornot.com it actually wasn't just a webinar website for judging people. For a very nominal fee, you could actually email the folks who you thought were hot. And I developed this email relationship with a girl in Chicago who said that defenestrate was her favorite word. I was living in Madison, Wisconsin at the time, and it was my early times in Madison, and I used to go down to Chicago pretty often to visit a couple of friends who lived in Andersonville, go to the Art Institute, whatever. And so I went down there and I met up with this girl one afternoon. It was a Saturday. We went to this bakery and it was crazy packed and the tables were tiny and there was barely room for the two of us. And we talked for what felt like a good long time, and we talked about all kinds of things, but mostly books. And she told me that her favorite book was Franny and Zoe by J.D. salinger. So when I got back to Madison, I read it. And if you haven't read it, it's a simple book, but it's about this young woman from a well to do family who becomes so obsessed with this classic spiritual text that she starts praying incessantly and becomes nearly catatonic. The prayer that she was praying is called the Jesus Prayer, and it's really simple. It just goes, dear Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me. And after I read the book, I became a little fixated on the prayer too. Nothing ever came of the Hot or Not Girl, which was kinda the story of my time in Madison, Wisconsin. In fact, at the end of my time in Madison, about three years after that, I was so bummed out about just how many women I had choked with that I was on the phone with my best friend. He said, well, we should make a list. And so I got out a stack of note cards, and I started writing one name of every girl I had tried with while I'd been there on note cards. And we made a stack of three. 36 different women. My 20s were rough, y', all, so this story is really mainly about one of those girls. We'll call her Rachel. So I dug Rachel from afar for a while. She was. I saw her around the student union at UW Madison. She was a senior at the school, and I was working for the school, but she did programming at the student union. And so I saw her there a lot, and I thought she was, like, the perfect, idealized Wisconsin girl. She had the big, broad smile and the pretty face and the curvy, scany body and curly brown hair. What I'm saying is, I thought she was really hot, But I eventually managed to meet her. And when I met her, I remember we had this one conversation. We were in her office one day, and her desk was crazy messy. It was just piled with flyers. And there was this other desk right next to hers that was totally, immaculately neat. And that was the desk of another girl who did programming in the office.
- [07:46]
Elna Baker
And.
- [07:46]
Ryan Reynolds
And all that was on that desk was a can of pens and a tape dispenser and a stapler in the corner of the desk, arranged parallel so they pointed perfectly into the center. And Rachel took the stapler and just kind of turned it so it pointed to the tape dispenser. And she said, I guarantee you, the next time that girl comes in here, the first thing she'll do is just turn that tape dispenser back. And I thought that was really funny, because I think people who pick on neat necks are funny. Then I noticed that behind her desk were all these photos of LL Cool J. And I said, what's with the collage? And she touched it and she said, oh, ll's my man. I'm gonna marry him one day. Which boded well for me, right? But whatever. I got her phone number, but this was. This was April. And this is like hookup culture, y'.
- [08:40]
Elna Baker
All.
- [08:41]
Ryan Reynolds
Like, a phone number is nothing. Like, I had gone through plenty of endless text exchanges to nowhere. I'd been invited to parties that once I got there, the girl pretended like she didn't know who I was. A phone number is meaningless. I had gotten 36 of them. And I had sat there going through those note cards, remembering each and every slow fade, all the unreturned Emails unpicked up on hints, one on one get togethers that turned out to be two on one. And you learn over time not to invest yourself too much in any one girl and to just pursue them slowly. And so it took a long time for Rachel and I to finally get together one on one. It wasn't until September. And this is how it happened. One day we were like hanging out in the Union. I just ran into her in the hallways. I think I was going down one of the giant staircases and she was coming up. We just kind of started chatting about movies because that's what we did. And that was her thing. And I just happened to say that I'd never seen the ring, whatever, but she said, oh, well, I've got a copy of the DVD at my place. You can come over sometime and watch it with me if you want. And I was really surprised. And I thought maybe what she was really saying is, you know, if you wanted to come over, we can put the ring in the DVD player and then we can make out a little bit. How's that sound? And so I wanted to find out. And so I went over there on like a wedding Wednesday night, I think. And when she met me downstairs, she was wearing like house cleaning clothes and sweats, which, like, yeah, bad sign, confidence fading. So then she leads me up into her apartment and she goes off into her bedroom to find the dvd. And I'm standing in the living room and I have a choice to make. Do I sit on the couch? Which is a way of saying, you know, if we felt like it while watching the psycho ghost girl movie, we could maybe make out a little bit. Or do I sit in the chair? Which is a way of saying, don't worry, I'm way too much of a candy ass to even leave the option of us making out open. I sat in the chair and we watched the ring and it's very scary. And that was it. So before I go on to the next part of this story, I've got to tell you something that I'm a little nervous about telling you all because I think I might lose some of you here. And so that is that I believe in God, like totally. And I'll go one step further than that and say that I'm kind of a spiritual seeker and I'm at my most spiritually open when I'm at my most emotionally down. And I'd been living in Wisconsin for three years and I didn't want to be there. And I was living in an apartment alone that Used to be a hotel room, and I had A stack of 36 names of women who'd taken a pass on me. I was very spiritually open. So I had this idea. The book that made Franny go crazy in Franny and Zooey is a real book. It's called the Way of the Pilgrim, and it's a classic text of the Russian Orthodox Christian Church. And it's about this pilgrim who's like kind of a homeless mystic who just sort of wanders the wilderness looking for God. And this particular pilgrim was really obsessed with a passage in one of the epistles that said, you should praise God ceaselessly. And he was looking for a way to do that. And so he would pray the Jesus prayer from dawn to dusk every day. Just, dear Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me. But that wasn't enough. And so he went on a long journey, and he found himself in this little hut in the middle of a forest in the middle of nowhere. And in a dream, he got this vision to reread this classic spiritual text called the Philokalia in a different order. And once he read it, he realized that what he needed to do was meditate on his heartbeat. And so that's what he did. He meditated on his heartbeat until he could feel every beat. And once he could feel every beat, he began to pray with his heartbeat. So beat, Dear Lord Jesus Christ, rest, have mercy on me. And that's what he did for five months straight, until he felt the prayer descend into his heart, and he felt that he could feel he could pray with each beat of his heart. And just saying that kind of gives me chills. And I wanted to be able to pray with my heart, too. And so I began praying the Jesus prayer all the time, because, like Franny, I wanted something to happen, but I also wanted something to happen with Rachel. So I don't want to make it sound like I was in love with the girl, because when you've got 36 failures between you and your first girlfriend, you can't really over invest yourself with anyone. But it felt like it was kind of starting to get somewhere, and she would have been a great catch. And so we go to see Sideways Together in December, and. And then after that, she invites me to come to the New Year's Eve party that her and her friends are throwing. And I say sure, because I don't have any other invitations, but I'm a little bit nervous about it because I don't really know her crew, but I feel a lot better about it when on the Eve of New Year's Eve, she calls me up and she says, hey, my three best girlfriends and I are hanging out at this new bar on Capitol Square. Why don't you come over and join us? And if you don't know Madison, it's the State Capitol and the university connected by this street called State street and that's kind of the main drag and that's where all the partying goes down. So they were kind of up in the Capitol end and I go over and I meet them at this bar. And Rachel looks amazing in this like shimmery white sweater. And when her friends see me, they say, oh, so this is Brady, which feels really good. And the girls are awesome to me. They like flirt with me and joke with me all night and I have a fantastic time. And we stay out till bar time. And when we part ways, Rachel gives me a gigantic hug, which feels fantastic because she's really curvy, like I said. Then I go home and I feel like I am definitely going to kiss Rachel at midnight on New Year's. Like it's a given. If only I had left it at the eve of New Year's Eve. So the next night I go to the party and it's at this bar on State street that I would have never crossed the threshold of otherwise. But it doesn't matter, right, because it's a private party, so it won't be like that. But then when I get there, it doesn't really seem like they're trying to keep the party private. And there's just tons of people in there and loads of Rachel and her friends, other friends. And so like, yeah, I see them, but they don't really have time for me because they know all these other people around and some of them are boys they want to get to know a lot better. And like, I tried talking with some people, but it was really awkward and they just clearly wanted to get away from me as soon as they could. So I just kind of loomed over by the bar for a while and even that was weird because there weren't any open stools. And also it was the end of the month and they weren't taking cards. And I worked for a non profit, didn't have any money, it sucks. So I managed to drink just enough to get like a little bit sort of drunk, but not like happy drunk. And I wanted to leave, but I could hear my best friend in my head saying, listen man, it's a New Year's Eve party, you gotta fuckin stay till midnight. So I Stayed till midnight. And at midnight I cheered alone. And I looked across the room and Rachel blew me a kiss while some dude lurked next to her. And I thought to myself, 37. So I went home and I was just going to go to bed, but I was a little bit drunk. And I was just drunk enough for the depression to start welling up inside of me. Like voices saying, you'd be better off if you just never spoke to a single woman ever again because nothing will ever happen with any of them. And I began to formulate this plan for legitimately never talking to another woman ever again. No joke. And that's what's going on in my mind. And I can't stop it and I can't get to sleep. And it gets to be like 2 in the morning and I want to sleep but I can't because I hate myself too much. And so I think to myself, well, maybe if I get up and just try praying the Jesus prayer, that can break the cycle of my thoughts. And I live in this tiny little room and my bed is a twin size futon mattress on the floor. So when you put all that together with the lack of sex, like I was kind of living like a monk. Anyway, so I get on my knees and I start praying. Dear Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me. I'm a miserable sinner. Dear Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me. Dear Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me. I try it louder. Dear Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me. Dear Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me. And I try to meditate. Dear Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me. But it's not working. The doubts are much, much bigger. So then I think to myself, you know, there were other pilgrims in the way of the pilgrim who tried seeking God by other means. They tried scourging the flesh because they believed the body muted the spirit. And I knew that the flesh was my problem and I hated it. So I already had my shirt off. So I grabbed a big leather belt that I had and I held it by the buckle and I started to pray again. I said, dear Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me. Dear Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me. And I kept doing it. And here's the thing about whipping yourself. It doesn't really hurt that badly at first. What hurts isn't the whips. What hurts is when you hit the same spot again. So say you whip over your left shoulder and then over your right. Those two whips don't really hurt, but that triangle they make where they overlap, that really hurts. That hurts. Way more than the rest of the other two lashes. But I just kept doing it. And I was, like, trying to find places that I hadn't whipped before. But, like, you run out pretty quickly and you develop this really clear picture of your back in your mind in pain. And I could see it all. And I whipped myself for, like, not that long. I mean, long enough that I probably covered my entire back, like two or three times. Enough that it hurt so badly that I couldn't take it anymore. Enough that I think I drew like a tiny bit of blood, but, like, not that much. And then I went to bed, and I eventually got to sleep. And when I woke up the next morning, I said to myself, wow, that was really fucked up. And, like, I know some people are into that kind of thing, but this wasn't about pleasure. There was no release in it. This was self abuse. This was the same as flipping through those 36 note cards and remembering all my failures. And so I realized that this blackness had been growing in me in Wisconsin, and I couldn't handle drinking until I started to shrink it again. So I resolved there and then that I wouldn't have another drink for the entire year of 2005. And, like, I knew a lot of people who know that I really like drinking. And as much as I like drinking, I love bars. Like, I love bars. And so people would ask me, like, why aren't you drinking? This is really weird. And I wouldn't tell them. I didn't tell hardly anyone that. The real reason was because one night when I was a little bit drunk, I was so depressed that I beat myself so badly with a belt that it felt like I had a really bad sunburn in the middle of the winter. So in May, I moved to Philadelphia and I started a new job where I was working with grownups. And I was back on the east coast, which is where I wanted to be, and things were a little bit better. And I spent the next New Year's Eve in Baltimore with another Wisconsin girl. And once again, I didn't kiss anyone at midnight. But once the clock turned over to 2006, I did have my first drink in a year. The party was kind of lame, so it was just a vodka cranberry. It was a completely unremarkable drink, and nothing special happened afterwards, but I took that as a good sign. Thanks a lot, everyone.
- [20:51]
Advertiser 1
We'll be right back. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Knowing you could be saving money for the things you really want, like that dream house or ride is a great feeling. That's why the State Farm Personal Price Plan can help you save when you choose to bundle home and auto bundling. Just another way to save with a personal price plan. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. Learning through play Starts with Lego Duplo With Lego Duplo, toddlers can develop real life skills while having fun with colorful bricks made just for them. Large, easy to grip and stick, safe to explore. When children express themselves with Lego Duplo, they build patience, problem solving and empathy. See your child learn perseverance and self expression with everything they imagine and create. Visit lego.com preschool to learn more. Have you ever spotted McDonald's hot crispy.
- [21:54]
Ryan Reynolds
Fries right as they're being scooped into.
- [21:57]
Kevin Allison
The carton and time just stands still.
- [22:06]
Elna Baker
We're back.
- [22:19]
Kevin Allison
When Brady first told me just the simplest summary of his story, and my first reaction was, oh, I know all about flogging.
- [22:31]
Ryan Reynolds
And he said, well, no, it's not.
- [22:33]
Kevin Allison
Quite that kind of story. And it got me interested because I was raised very Catholic. So I decided to look up on the Internet the history of where did this whole Catholic flogging thing come from? And what's interesting is there was a year where the Vatican in the middle of the Dark Age was like, Catholics should flog themselves. Very, very good. And then a couple years later, the Vatican said, no more flogging. Catholics should not flog. So I started reading up. Here's what happened. Those pilgrims, they started flogging themselves and they were trying to imitate the suffering of Christ, right? They were trying to attain that level of suffering of Christ. And the Church was like, okay, that seems like a good idea. So they were like, all right, let's get together in groups and start flogging each other as well. They started gathering in groups, and when people are flogging each other, some other kinds of desires tend to rear their heads. Basically, the flagellation parties were turning into all out orgies and the Church put a stop. That's what I learned, and I know it's true because it's on the World Wide Web. Our next storyteller of the evening is someone who she was one of the very first people to ever share a story on Risk and has always been one of our most dearly beloved storytellers and collaborators. She has a new book coming out called you'd Are My Revenge, a young adult novel. You've heard her on this American Life and the Moth Please welcome Elna Baker.
- [24:25]
Advertiser 1
Hello. All right. So my whole life, I've always wanted to experience two things. I wanted to swim in phosphorescence in the ocean, you know, where the plankton and it lights up. And I wanted to get to fall madly in love with someone who loved me back. Yeah. And I think actually, both of those things have a similar place in my mind, because in my mind, I always imagined that if you really got to be in love, it would feel like swimming in phosphorescence. Like, light was, like, shooting out of your fingers and toes, and it's so beautiful. But I think when it comes to love, I'm much better at making metaphors or analogies or ascribing meaning to meaningless things than I am at actually experiencing love, which you could say is, like, called being a woman, but whatever. And I have always overanalyzed things. I remember after my first breakup, my mother called to see how I was doing, and I was like, you know what this feels like? It's like when you're waiting for the train, and the express train goes by really fast, and then all of a sudden, it's gone, and there's this, like, empty space, and you're like, you didn't realize how close to the edge you were until it's gone. And my mother was like, how do you survive on a daily basis? Because to her, it's just a dream. To me, it's a metaphor for love and heartbreak. To say that I've never been in love is incorrect. It's just that I think when you're a kid, you paint this thing in your head that tells you the kind of love you're gonna get. And I was a fat kid, so when I would watch, like, movies or things, I would think, no one's ever gonna love me back. So I fell in love with unrequited love. You know, I would sing, like, on my own in the shower every time I took a shower from, like, age 9 to 16. Like, I mean, I was, like, pretending he's beside me. And everything that I was drawn to were these characters who never got to be loved. And so when I grew up and could date, I always fell for people who didn't want me or situations I couldn't have because those felt so much like love. But here's the thing. They were unrequited love, so they felt nothing like love. And so at the age of 30, I was living in New York, I was single, and I walked into this bar to meet some friends. Oh. And actually, on the way into the bar, this 21 year old kid came up to me and was like, what's that scent you're wearing? It's enchanting. He's like, join me for a drink and a twist. And I was like, the 1920s called, they want your classy pickup lines back. So I went over to my group of friends and I tell them this kid asked what scent I was wearing, and this guy that I didn't know that was sitting at their table leaned across the table and he sniffed me. And then he was like, you should have told him your scent was Toms of Maine. Which made me laugh because I was like, that means I smell horrible. And so we start talking and he's like, I've never seen him before, but he's a friend of my friends and he's tall, dark, handsome, you know, that black Irish, six foot. And how have I never met this guy before? So we start talking and we're hitting it off and slowly the group all trickles away. And then I noticed something which is like they're buying us drinks. And then the guys will keep like whispering things to him and I'm like, does he not know how to talk to girls? They're like giving him advice. And so we start talking and it comes up that I, at that point, I used to be Mormon. And I kind of stopped about a year and a half earlier. And he asked me what that's like. And I'm like, well, I'm kind of just like trying to say yes to things like drinking and sex and drugs, which now I realize is like the sluttiest thing I could have called. I'm like, yeah, I'm saying yes now. And so a little bit later, he asked if I want to have a cigarette. And I'm like, yes. So we go outside and I don't really smoke, but when I smoke, for whatever reason, it makes me feel like I'm French. So immediately I'm like, oh, this is. This is the best cigarettes I've ever tried. So then he starts pretending he's French. And then this young couple comes up to us and they ask us for directions. I'm like, oh, this thing is, I'm from Paris, so I cannot tell you where to go, but I would if I could, you know, man. And they laugh. And this guy turns to me and he's like, I like you. And he pulls out a bag of cocaine, takes some and then is like, have some coke, right? And my eyes are like huge. And I'm like, oh, this Thing is, I have to wake up early tomorrow, so the coke is kind of inconvenient right now, but thank you so much for the offer of the coke. And Mark is like, oh, come on, let's just do coke. And I'm like, what? And this girl who's with the guy totally calls my bluff. She's like, oh, she's never done coke before. And she, like, dips her hand. She's like, just put it on your gum, sweetie. And at this point, I, like, totally break character. And I pull Martin, like, okay. Zasing is, we're not doing coke. We're not doing coke with strangers on the street. And I was like, how about instead, you come home with me? Which I think is a good alternative. So he came home and we spent the night. We didn't have sex, but we fooled around and we just totally got. It was fun and funny, and he seemed so natural and normal that I interrupted him at one point, and I was like, wait, do you have a girlfriend? Because when people are in relationships, they're just so much more normal and natural with people. And if you've been single, like, you kind of have this guard or distance. And he didn't have that. And he's like, why would I be here with you if I had a girlfriend? I was like, either you have a girlfriend or you just got out of a relationship. And he laughed. And he was like, well, actually I'm married. And he's like, but we. We separated three weeks ago and we're gonna get divorced. And I was like, wait, am I the first girl that you've kissed since your marriage? And he's like, yeah. And I was like, how long? He's like, 11 years. So I was the first girl he kissed in 11 years. And I was like, wow. So he left the next morning, and he sent me this cute text. And I remember I looked at it and I thought, this is not. This is complicated. He's married, you know. So I decided not to write back. And a few days later, my friend who introduced us asked me how it went, and I was like, well, he told me about the marriage thing. It sounds complicated, so I'm just going to let it go. And she wrote me back, and she said, you know, everything's always complicated. And I know him, I know his wife. They're great people, and it's hard to meet a good guy in New York, so just give him a chance. So I did. I texted him back. And our second date, or first date actually, we went out to dinner. It was the same, like, fun rapport. And then at the end of the night, we ended up back at his place and he's like, what do you want to do now? And I was like, I don't know. And he was like, well, I have a taco and a banana costume. We could put those on and have a dance party. Yeah, yeah, we have to do that now. So I was the banana and he was the taco. And we went on the roof and we had this dance party and we were like dancing. And at one point I like, laid on the edge of the roof just to look down at all the pedestrians that were passing. And he came up behind me and started fake humping me from behind. And I just remember thinking, like, if I lived in New York and I looked up and I saw a taco fucking a banana, I would never look down again. And so I spent the night and I was gonna go home, but it was a three day weekend. And so we just spent like three days straight together. And, you know, I was like, it's fine. I told him, I don't want a boyfriend, I don't want anything. And he didn't want anything. And then we just. The more time we spent together then it was the last morning we had brunch and it occurred to me that he was going to go to work and then I wasn't going to see him probably as much or I don't know. And I said something without meaning to. I just looked at him and I said, I know I told you that I don't want to be in a relationship right now. And that's true. I don't want to be in a relationship, but I want to be with you. And he got like teary eyed and he was like, I want to be with you too. And we're like, oh, okay. And so we started dating, even though he was like three weeks single. And, you know, I started falling in love. I mean, I remember one morning waking up to see a beam of light coming through the window and watching the dust particles dance. And I was like, how have I never known the world so beautiful? I was like, oh, my God, I think I'm in love. This is embarrassing. But, you know, at the same time, I kept thinking, this isn't going to work. This is like, it's doomed. It's never gonna. And I kept looking for signs to, like, figure out how to know if it was either gonna work or not work. And then after six months of dating, I got invited to do this show in Martha's Vineyard. And he decided to come with me. And so while I was like rehearsing with the show, he was kind of sightseeing and it was Shark week. So they. I watched Jaws for the first time and oh my God, I'm so glad I never watched Jaws as a child. It's the scariest movie movie I've ever seen. Also because, like, I. I didn't know that sharks would be like four feet in. I was like, oh, they're just in the ocean. Who cares? So I was like freely swimming my whole life with no knowledge of how many sharks were there, guys. So I watched Jaws. And then it's the night of the show and I'm off to do the show, and we're driving over and one of the locals in the car is like, oh, this is the bridge in the movie Jaws. And I was like, are there really sharks under it? And he's like, yeah, actually, a week ago they spotted four sharks here. I'm like, wow, that's crazy. So get to the show, do the show. It goes well. And Mark is in the audience and he comes up to me after and he's like, babe, I have a surprise for you. I found out that there's this bridge and if you jump off of it, you will land in like a pool of phosphorescence. And you can swim in phosphorescence. And I mean, this is like something I'd wanted to do my whole life. So I'm like, oh, my God, let's go. So we get on this motorbike and he takes me over there. And as we're pulling up, I realize, like, oh, shit, it's the Jaws bridge, right? And it's like maybe a 15 or 20 foot drop into like pitch blackness, so you can't even see how far you're going down. But he gets me to stand up on this like, five foot bridge and he's holding my hand. He's like, all right, on the count of three, we'll jump. He's like, one, two, three. And I'm like, no, start from 50, a lot more. And, you know, I'm just immediately, like, starting to be afraid of hurting myself, of the sharks, of all of this. And like, I just, I can't do it. And he looks at me and he's like, elna, you've wanted to do this your whole life. This is your chance. Do you trust me? And I say yes. He's like, well, I promise you you won't get hurt. And I remember thinking like, how can you promise somebody that like, how can you promise that you won't hurt them or they won't hurt themselves? And I was like, okay. He's like, on the count of three, let's jump. And he squeezed my hand, and he said, one, two, three. And we both jumped. He jumped forward, and I jumped backwards onto the pavement. And I remember I saw him, like, land. I saw him as he was falling. It was so weird. In slow motion, I saw his hand reach up, and he was like, no. And then he hit the water, and the whole thing just erupted in light, like a firework. And then he. And I just was looking down, and I felt so sad, you know, like, that I couldn't do it. And then I immediately was like, well, is it because, like, I can't jump? Like, I can't be in. Like. I started reading into it, and then I was like, no, no, no, no. Stop, stop. You could still swim with phosphorescence. You just have to, like, walk down the bridge and go over those rocks and get in the water. So I walk down the bridge, and I step on there. It's, like, seven feet of rocks. I take a step on the first one, it's covered in algae, and I'd, like, fly. I mean, I, like, fly into the air, hit the rock, slide down, like, land on the ground. And I reach back, and I have cut up my whole leg. It's, like, bleeding everywhere. And I'm like, okay, no, I can still swim with phosphorescence. I can still do this. So I get in the water, and I take 12 strokes, and it was beautiful. For a second. I could see, like, the water lit up, and there was little glowing things. And then I immediately thought, you're in the water where all the sharks are, and you're bleeding profusely. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. So I just started swimming as fast as I could to try to get around the ridge to get out of the water. And Mark's, like, doing back flips. He's like, come play. But I make it around the water, and I get to the edge, and I'm, like, panting out of breath. And then I start to kind of, like, go into my head, you know? And I start thinking about how he wasn't afraid to jump and how I was and how, like, I just wish I was a different person sometimes. Like, I wish I could do things that I want to do, but something happens, and I can't do them. And then I started thinking about how maybe that's why I'll never have love. Because I'm too afraid. And then I started thinking about how I don't want to get hurt, but then when I do it my way, that's when I get hurt. And so I thought, you know what? This is like a sign that our relationship is never going to work. And I decided then in my head I decided that this relationship would never work. And so for four days, I was super weird and quiet and in my head. But here's the good news. We've been together another year and a half. And what I've learned in that year and a half is that love isn't a metaphor or analogy. It's a person. Thank you.
- [39:30]
Kevin Allison
Our last storyteller of the evening. I love her so dearly. Just met. She is just the most wonderful and fabulous person in the world. She is another star of the first person art scene and has just been a joy to work with in preparing her story. She's a first person grand slam winner, as a matter of fact. Please welcome to the stage Marjorie Winther.
- [40:06]
Elna Baker
Hello. Is this working? Okay. So I was looking around my room this morning and it was like filled with empty beer bottles and condom wrappers. And I thought, this is not how I expected to spend my 58th year. Because I used to be married. I was married for 30 years and I was like a companionable marriage. Like my husband, Austin, he was one of those guys with a button down shirt with a mechanical pencil. And he was a teacher and he was actually a great teacher teacher and later a professor. And he thought very carefully about American education and he was committed to learning. And I loved that about him. I loved that. And from the eyebrows up, we had a great marriage. But there was no passion and there was. There was no sex for years. And I called him out like, we never have sex. And he said very matter of fact, he was a matter of. He said, he said, you know, I'm not attracted to you. I love you, but you're fat and I'm not attracted to you. And it hurt, but not as much as you might think because I really wasn't that attracted to him because he's skinny. So I went along. You know, I went along. I was happy enough. Like, we never fought. Like maybe we didn't like roll around like the Burt Lancaster from Here to Eternity. But that's just the movies, you know, you don't always get everything. I made that trade off that people make where you give up the idea of ever having fun again and in return you get security and a Toyota Prius and you don't have to walk through the world alone. And I would still be in that marriage experience. Except one day two years ago, I was at work and the phone rang and it was my son. He said, mom, dad got arrested. I was like, what? He goes, yeah. Like the FBI's here. Like they were like pounding on the door, woke me up. I'm like, what, what, what, what? He goes out, he goes like, here's his airport. Like trying to have sex with like some girls or something. I was like, oh, my God, Daddy. What? Daddy? Daddy was, I was like, oh my God. Like, I gotta, I gotta go home. I gotta go home. My kid is home. I gotta go home. Like, I panicked. I left work, I, I, I flew home and there are these like seven FBI agents in my house. Like, they're wearing like these khaki pants and bulletproof vests. And they locked my puppy. I had a puppy. They locked him in the yard. They're like, safety. And I'm like, like, you're the FBI. Like, you like chase down serial killers. Like, he's a. But they sat me down. I said, ma', am, did you know your husband was at the airport? No, I didn't, I didn't know. Did you know that? You know, we've been, you know, he's been corresponding with a woman and her 13 year old daughter and may he sent them a plane ticket, he's been making arrangements for them to come to, to Philadelphia for Saxon. Did you know that? No, I didn't know that. I mean, I knew he was in his room all the time, like on the Internet, but I thought like, he was just looking at porn like a normal man. So I didn't know any of this. And I was just like. And then they said, tell me like all you got to call this person, do this and go down there. And you know, you got, there's all this, like, you know, you got to go to court, there's hearings, you got to lawyers, there's all this like whole like legal process that I, that I had to learn about, you know, like, if you've heard the expression, like, don't make a federal case of it. That's what I was. So they left. My son drove me to the airport to get the car. And I was actually like, it's funny, the little things that piss you off. Like you think you're gonna be. The big things was like, I gotta pay for the car at the airport. Like short term parking. Like, what was he thinking? Like, it's the little things. It's just I don't know. And I was so worried about my son. It's like, how are you, Paul? Your dad. How are you? He goes, mom. My son was very calm. Mom, I'm not gonna form an opinion till I've talked to dad. We just have one side of the story. And that sounded like a plan. Like, I should talk to him. Like. Like. Because this just didn't seem like the guy I knew, you know, this isn't something he would do. And. And so I was just, like, in this zombie state. Like, I wasn't crying or freaking out. And, you know, I was just like. Like, I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. Jody came over and tried to make me eat a sandwich. I couldn't. You know, it's just like. Like, I just. I just couldn't function. But there was all this stuff you had to do. You know, you have to get a lawyer. You have to go down. You have to do all this stuff. And I said, I need to talk to him. I need to talk to him. You can't just, like, waltz into the prison. Like, there's a process. There's, like, background checks. It took, like, I don't know, weeks and weeks before I could go see him. And finally, like, I was cleared to go visit him, and I went down there, and that's a whole thing. Like, any of you guys ever go to the prison? Like, you can't just, like, hey, hi. You know, it's like, there's all these rules. And I was watching, like, you're in the waiting room, and they kept turning people away. Like, if their pants were too tight, you can't get in. Or, you know, this. No, this wouldn't. And, you know, little kids are getting turned away. I mean, it was like. It's like, there's all these rules, and then. And then you have to go through the metal detector. It's the most sensitive metal. The people in the weight room, they used to call it the stopper. You know, as you go beep. And it's like, what? You know, like, I'm taking off my. You know, it just kept beeping. Like, why is this beeping? Why? And there were, like, fortunately, like, some mafia wives in the waiting room. They were like, honey, are you wearing an underwire? And I was like, yeah, take off your bra. I'm like, okay. You know, which is not a good look for me. But, you know, but I did. I. I got him. I got him to talk to Austin. And you're sitting. It's not like. It doesn't have the glass. It's like the moon. No, it's like, it's rows of plastic chairs and you sit on one side and they send this low, low tables because it has to be low because they don't want people like diddling each other, I guess under the table. Which we weren't gonna do because why. But he came out and he said, I'm so happy to see you. I'm so happy. And he said, I want to make it up to you. I want to make amends. And how are you gonna do that? Like, how do you make amends to your wife that you were trying to have sex with a 13 year old? Like, what are you going to do, fuck an old lady and split the difference? And he's like, that wasn't his plan. He had a plan. He said, you know, from my cell I can see these like double decker buses going by. I want to take you on a double decker bus ride and then we'll be even, you know, it's like, you know. But I didn't hate him yet just because I couldn't, Mel. You know, this is this guy, this teacher, this brilliant scholar, and this is this, you know, like I couldn't, like I couldn't get mad at him because it didn't work, it didn't fit. I was just like walking around in this kind of zombie state. And he told me, he said to me, margie, I know you're not going to believe me, but I wasn't going to go through with was just a fantasy and it got, you know, out of control. I mean, I'm looking at a 10 year prison term for having a fantasy like he's the victim, you know, And I believed him because I was used to believing him. I was just in the habit of believing him. But there were little details that were like. And I was like, wait a minute, the FBI, you have $400 in your pocket. And he goes, I was gonna take them to lunch. And it's just a lot of things didn't make sense. Like I. But it took me a while to kind of figure out that he was lying. You know, like I used to take the bus to work because I'm an asshole, I guess. I don't know. Like, I let he was home, but I didn't. I wanted him to have the car, so I would take the bus and then he would pick me up at the train. Well, the day he got arrested, he had emailed me that morning and said, I'm not gonna be able to pick you up at the train. And I was thinking about that, and I was thinking, yeah, you're having this illicit affair. You can't be done by 5:47, you know? And it just finally hit me that, like, he didn't care about me. He didn't have my back. And I still couldn't really fall apart. And I was just kind of. I wasn't eating. I wasn't sleeping. I was just worrying all the time, you know, I was just worrying what's going to happen. I was just worried. And one of my neighbors came over. This fits with your story, Brady, because one of my neighbors came over, and she was the wife of the pastor of the Baptist church around the corner from me. And she invited me to come to church with her. And I said, okay, I'll go. And I went to church. If you've ever been to place a Baptist church, it's like a lot of rhythm, you know? And the sermon. And it got to the point I hadn't even cried yet. But it got to the point in the sermon where the preacher said, lead us not into temptation. Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And I finally cried. And I was immediately embraced by women in fabulous hats. It felt so good to cry that I decided to go to a blues bar that night and just, like, purge. Just purge my pain. But it didn't work out, like, because I went. The bar I went to was in Chestnut Hill. I didn't have to say anything, as y' all know. Like, so, like, the musicians, like, he had never, like, really been through anything, so. So it was like, I'll just give a demo. It was like, you know, good. Join me. I was mildly inconvenienced, you know, So I was, like, pretending I was Janis Dublin. And I was like, like, shooting back like Southern Comfort. And, like, I started singing, like, louder than the bands, like, Joplin songs. Like, I was gonna lay my head on a lonely railroad line. And I was just like. And I was just singing it. And the manner's like, miss, you know you can't do that. And I was like, well, then give me something I can wallow in. And he's like, you're gonna either have to shut up or you're gonna have to leave. So I left, and I was sitting on the curb outside the bar, and I thought, this is, like, the lowest point ever. I've been thrown out of a blues bar for being too sad. But I knew what I had to do. I had to put my life together And I thought I'd been looking at this as the day my life fell apart. Well, now I was looking at it as my second chance, you know? And I was thinking, it's not enough to be happy enough. And I was putting that thought into the universe. And I know there are people who think if you put a vision into the universe, the universe will respond and give you a pony. But I don't really think that. Like, I'm, like, Jewish, so I think, like, if. If you put your vision into the universe, you are daring the universe to fuck with you. Kainohara. Poop. Poop. Poop. That's Yiddish for, like, go away, evil eye. We say it a lot. Kainohara. Yeah. You don't find kanahara like, you know, you just can't take anything for granted. It's a dangerous cosmos. But I'm thinking, like, it's not enough to be happy enough. I want more. I want lots and lots and lots of life. And I was a little afraid, you know, that the universe would think I was being greedy. But then I remember, like, my grandmother used to tell me, she was in charge of my religious education. And, I mean, I found out later she was just making shit up. But what she told me when I was little, she was like, mashallah, when you die, you will have to answer to God for every pleasure that you declined. Yeah, like, her vision of God, like, God was like a hostess. It was like, I made it all for you. Seven days I work, you know. Try it. Try it. So I wasn't being greedy. I was being worshipful. And I felt what I want. I know what I want. I want lots of stories, and I want lots of dancing, and I want lots of men. And it's not that I think the universe owes me these things, but I. But I owe myself the guts to go after it. So dancing. I joined a soul dancing class, which is, like, so great. Like, I learned, like, the Free Town Strut and the Cupid Shuffle. But, you know, I mean, it was a little. It was. I mean, I was the only white person in the class, so it was, like, a little weird, you know, I mean, everybody was nice, but it's like. It's, you know, it's like I can't, you know, like, you know, push it. Push it good. You know, I'm white. I push it well. And I had the guts to come to first person EDs and tell a story, and the universe gave me Karina and Kevin and thank you, universe. Like, please don't fuck with me. And then I thought, man, that's gonna be hard, you know, because, like, I know I'm not like, all that, but apparently I am all this. And, yeah, and like, Kevin, yeah. I mean, to quote Kevin Ellison, there's men who like fat, hairy people, and I want to make out with all of them. So where am I going? So I put it in the universe. I want some men in my life. And if you're going to fuck with me, do it the good way. And as you already know, my bedroom's filled with beer bottles and empty condom rubbers. I mean, I just put the thought out, universe, you know, if you are, if you can send me, like, a nice, single Jewish lawyer, Habeas Corpus. And I come to understand that I used to look at that as the night the day that Austin was arrested. I used to look at that as the day my life fell apart, like the character in an Oprah Book Club selection. But I've come to look at it as a day my life became my own. Thank you, Marjorie Wetford. It's been a long time. It's been a long time. I swear, for that day. It's been a long time. Never been so fun. It's been a long time. Let's wake up. What? I lost time. But for that lost time makes this time the sweetest time of all times.
- [58:49]
Kevin Allison
That's all for this episode, folks. This is total war behind me now. How about that Marjorie Winther? We've got to have Marjorie back on the show asap. Marjorie's such a character. We went out drinking after the show, and she brought her three dates. Power to the polyamorous. Folks, Today's the day. Take a risk.
- [59:21]
Elna Baker
It's been a long time. It's been a long time. It's been a long time. Let's make up for that lost time.
- [59:37]
Kevin Allison
When I came here today, I freaked out a little bit because I was like, oh, my God, we're at a library. I kind of forgot.
- [59:44]
Ryan Reynolds
You know, I went to the library.
- [59:46]
Kevin Allison
So much when I was a kid that I just associate libraries with a place that you're supposed to be polite and quiet, and Risk is usually neither of those things. So I ran up to Andy and I was like, andy, I just want to double check and make sure, you know, the podcast and Risk, it's very uncensored. And he said, yes, Kevin, we believe in the First Amendment. We're a library.