Elna Baker (40:05)
Hello. Is this working? Okay. So I was looking around my room this morning and it was like filled with empty beer bottles and condom wrappers. And I thought, this is not how I expected to spend my 58th year. Because I used to be married. I was married for 30 years and I was like a companionable marriage. Like my husband, Austin, he was one of those guys with a button down shirt with a mechanical pencil. And he was a teacher and he was actually a great teacher teacher and later a professor. And he thought very carefully about American education and he was committed to learning. And I loved that about him. I loved that. And from the eyebrows up, we had a great marriage. But there was no passion and there was. There was no sex for years. And I called him out like, we never have sex. And he said very matter of fact, he was a matter of. He said, he said, you know, I'm not attracted to you. I love you, but you're fat and I'm not attracted to you. And it hurt, but not as much as you might think because I really wasn't that attracted to him because he's skinny. So I went along. You know, I went along. I was happy enough. Like, we never fought. Like maybe we didn't like roll around like the Burt Lancaster from Here to Eternity. But that's just the movies, you know, you don't always get everything. I made that trade off that people make where you give up the idea of ever having fun again and in return you get security and a Toyota Prius and you don't have to walk through the world alone. And I would still be in that marriage experience. Except one day two years ago, I was at work and the phone rang and it was my son. He said, mom, dad got arrested. I was like, what? He goes, yeah. Like the FBI's here. Like they were like pounding on the door, woke me up. I'm like, what, what, what, what? He goes out, he goes like, here's his airport. Like trying to have sex with like some girls or something. I was like, oh, my God, Daddy. What? Daddy? Daddy was, I was like, oh my God. Like, I gotta, I gotta go home. I gotta go home. My kid is home. I gotta go home. Like, I panicked. I left work, I, I, I flew home and there are these like seven FBI agents in my house. Like, they're wearing like these khaki pants and bulletproof vests. And they locked my puppy. I had a puppy. They locked him in the yard. They're like, safety. And I'm like, like, you're the FBI. Like, you like chase down serial killers. Like, he's a. But they sat me down. I said, ma', am, did you know your husband was at the airport? No, I didn't, I didn't know. Did you know that? You know, we've been, you know, he's been corresponding with a woman and her 13 year old daughter and may he sent them a plane ticket, he's been making arrangements for them to come to, to Philadelphia for Saxon. Did you know that? No, I didn't know that. I mean, I knew he was in his room all the time, like on the Internet, but I thought like, he was just looking at porn like a normal man. So I didn't know any of this. And I was just like. And then they said, tell me like all you got to call this person, do this and go down there. And you know, you got, there's all this, like, you know, you got to go to court, there's hearings, you got to lawyers, there's all this like whole like legal process that I, that I had to learn about, you know, like, if you've heard the expression, like, don't make a federal case of it. That's what I was. So they left. My son drove me to the airport to get the car. And I was actually like, it's funny, the little things that piss you off. Like you think you're gonna be. The big things was like, I gotta pay for the car at the airport. Like short term parking. Like, what was he thinking? Like, it's the little things. It's just I don't know. And I was so worried about my son. It's like, how are you, Paul? Your dad. How are you? He goes, mom. My son was very calm. Mom, I'm not gonna form an opinion till I've talked to dad. We just have one side of the story. And that sounded like a plan. Like, I should talk to him. Like. Like. Because this just didn't seem like the guy I knew, you know, this isn't something he would do. And. And so I was just, like, in this zombie state. Like, I wasn't crying or freaking out. And, you know, I was just like. Like, I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. Jody came over and tried to make me eat a sandwich. I couldn't. You know, it's just like. Like, I just. I just couldn't function. But there was all this stuff you had to do. You know, you have to get a lawyer. You have to go down. You have to do all this stuff. And I said, I need to talk to him. I need to talk to him. You can't just, like, waltz into the prison. Like, there's a process. There's, like, background checks. It took, like, I don't know, weeks and weeks before I could go see him. And finally, like, I was cleared to go visit him, and I went down there, and that's a whole thing. Like, any of you guys ever go to the prison? Like, you can't just, like, hey, hi. You know, it's like, there's all these rules. And I was watching, like, you're in the waiting room, and they kept turning people away. Like, if their pants were too tight, you can't get in. Or, you know, this. No, this wouldn't. And, you know, little kids are getting turned away. I mean, it was like. It's like, there's all these rules, and then. And then you have to go through the metal detector. It's the most sensitive metal. The people in the weight room, they used to call it the stopper. You know, as you go beep. And it's like, what? You know, like, I'm taking off my. You know, it just kept beeping. Like, why is this beeping? Why? And there were, like, fortunately, like, some mafia wives in the waiting room. They were like, honey, are you wearing an underwire? And I was like, yeah, take off your bra. I'm like, okay. You know, which is not a good look for me. But, you know, but I did. I. I got him. I got him to talk to Austin. And you're sitting. It's not like. It doesn't have the glass. It's like the moon. No, it's like, it's rows of plastic chairs and you sit on one side and they send this low, low tables because it has to be low because they don't want people like diddling each other, I guess under the table. Which we weren't gonna do because why. But he came out and he said, I'm so happy to see you. I'm so happy. And he said, I want to make it up to you. I want to make amends. And how are you gonna do that? Like, how do you make amends to your wife that you were trying to have sex with a 13 year old? Like, what are you going to do, fuck an old lady and split the difference? And he's like, that wasn't his plan. He had a plan. He said, you know, from my cell I can see these like double decker buses going by. I want to take you on a double decker bus ride and then we'll be even, you know, it's like, you know. But I didn't hate him yet just because I couldn't, Mel. You know, this is this guy, this teacher, this brilliant scholar, and this is this, you know, like I couldn't, like I couldn't get mad at him because it didn't work, it didn't fit. I was just like walking around in this kind of zombie state. And he told me, he said to me, margie, I know you're not going to believe me, but I wasn't going to go through with was just a fantasy and it got, you know, out of control. I mean, I'm looking at a 10 year prison term for having a fantasy like he's the victim, you know, And I believed him because I was used to believing him. I was just in the habit of believing him. But there were little details that were like. And I was like, wait a minute, the FBI, you have $400 in your pocket. And he goes, I was gonna take them to lunch. And it's just a lot of things didn't make sense. Like I. But it took me a while to kind of figure out that he was lying. You know, like I used to take the bus to work because I'm an asshole, I guess. I don't know. Like, I let he was home, but I didn't. I wanted him to have the car, so I would take the bus and then he would pick me up at the train. Well, the day he got arrested, he had emailed me that morning and said, I'm not gonna be able to pick you up at the train. And I was thinking about that, and I was thinking, yeah, you're having this illicit affair. You can't be done by 5:47, you know? And it just finally hit me that, like, he didn't care about me. He didn't have my back. And I still couldn't really fall apart. And I was just kind of. I wasn't eating. I wasn't sleeping. I was just worrying all the time, you know, I was just worrying what's going to happen. I was just worried. And one of my neighbors came over. This fits with your story, Brady, because one of my neighbors came over, and she was the wife of the pastor of the Baptist church around the corner from me. And she invited me to come to church with her. And I said, okay, I'll go. And I went to church. If you've ever been to place a Baptist church, it's like a lot of rhythm, you know? And the sermon. And it got to the point I hadn't even cried yet. But it got to the point in the sermon where the preacher said, lead us not into temptation. Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And I finally cried. And I was immediately embraced by women in fabulous hats. It felt so good to cry that I decided to go to a blues bar that night and just, like, purge. Just purge my pain. But it didn't work out, like, because I went. The bar I went to was in Chestnut Hill. I didn't have to say anything, as y' all know. Like, so, like, the musicians, like, he had never, like, really been through anything, so. So it was like, I'll just give a demo. It was like, you know, good. Join me. I was mildly inconvenienced, you know, So I was, like, pretending I was Janis Dublin. And I was like, like, shooting back like Southern Comfort. And, like, I started singing, like, louder than the bands, like, Joplin songs. Like, I was gonna lay my head on a lonely railroad line. And I was just like. And I was just singing it. And the manner's like, miss, you know you can't do that. And I was like, well, then give me something I can wallow in. And he's like, you're gonna either have to shut up or you're gonna have to leave. So I left, and I was sitting on the curb outside the bar, and I thought, this is, like, the lowest point ever. I've been thrown out of a blues bar for being too sad. But I knew what I had to do. I had to put my life together And I thought I'd been looking at this as the day my life fell apart. Well, now I was looking at it as my second chance, you know? And I was thinking, it's not enough to be happy enough. And I was putting that thought into the universe. And I know there are people who think if you put a vision into the universe, the universe will respond and give you a pony. But I don't really think that. Like, I'm, like, Jewish, so I think, like, if. If you put your vision into the universe, you are daring the universe to fuck with you. Kainohara. Poop. Poop. Poop. That's Yiddish for, like, go away, evil eye. We say it a lot. Kainohara. Yeah. You don't find kanahara like, you know, you just can't take anything for granted. It's a dangerous cosmos. But I'm thinking, like, it's not enough to be happy enough. I want more. I want lots and lots and lots of life. And I was a little afraid, you know, that the universe would think I was being greedy. But then I remember, like, my grandmother used to tell me, she was in charge of my religious education. And, I mean, I found out later she was just making shit up. But what she told me when I was little, she was like, mashallah, when you die, you will have to answer to God for every pleasure that you declined. Yeah, like, her vision of God, like, God was like a hostess. It was like, I made it all for you. Seven days I work, you know. Try it. Try it. So I wasn't being greedy. I was being worshipful. And I felt what I want. I know what I want. I want lots of stories, and I want lots of dancing, and I want lots of men. And it's not that I think the universe owes me these things, but I. But I owe myself the guts to go after it. So dancing. I joined a soul dancing class, which is, like, so great. Like, I learned, like, the Free Town Strut and the Cupid Shuffle. But, you know, I mean, it was a little. It was. I mean, I was the only white person in the class, so it was, like, a little weird, you know, I mean, everybody was nice, but it's like. It's, you know, it's like I can't, you know, like, you know, push it. Push it good. You know, I'm white. I push it well. And I had the guts to come to first person EDs and tell a story, and the universe gave me Karina and Kevin and thank you, universe. Like, please don't fuck with me. And then I thought, man, that's gonna be hard, you know, because, like, I know I'm not like, all that, but apparently I am all this. And, yeah, and like, Kevin, yeah. I mean, to quote Kevin Ellison, there's men who like fat, hairy people, and I want to make out with all of them. So where am I going? So I put it in the universe. I want some men in my life. And if you're going to fuck with me, do it the good way. And as you already know, my bedroom's filled with beer bottles and empty condom rubbers. I mean, I just put the thought out, universe, you know, if you are, if you can send me, like, a nice, single Jewish lawyer, Habeas Corpus. And I come to understand that I used to look at that as the night the day that Austin was arrested. I used to look at that as the day my life fell apart, like the character in an Oprah Book Club selection. But I've come to look at it as a day my life became my own. Thank you, Marjorie Wetford. It's been a long time. It's been a long time. I swear, for that day. It's been a long time. Never been so fun. It's been a long time. Let's wake up. What? I lost time. But for that lost time makes this time the sweetest time of all times.
