Losing It

Summary

Podcast Summary: RISK! Episode – "Losing It"

Release Date: May 27, 2025
Host: Kevin Allison
Episode Title: Losing It

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Introduction

In the latest episode of RISK!, titled "Losing It", host Kevin Allison invites listeners to delve into two deeply personal and transformative true stories. The episode promises a blend of humor, heartache, and raw honesty, staying true to RISK!'s reputation for uncensored and jaw-dropping storytelling.

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Frank Traynor: "Achilles Cake" [07:06 – 14:57]

Frank Traynor opens the episode with his poignant tale, "Achilles Cake", recounting a childhood experience that left a lasting impact on him.

Summary: Frank reminisces about his best friend, Mariano Bernardi, in Argentina, drawing parallels to the iconic friendship of Bart Simpson and Milhouse from The Simpsons (Frank mentions: "Basically, we became friends at the age of four when we met. I asked him, do you have a best friend already? I've been looking for someone to boss me around, and that's how our friendship was born." [07:14]). Mariano, portrayed as the quintessential prankster, repeatedly sabotages Frank's cherished tradition—his 10th and 11th birthdays.

Each year, Frank's birthday is meticulously celebrated with a soccer-themed cake, symbolizing his love for the sport and the significance of the day to him. However, Mariano disrupts this celebration by mischievously altering the Spanish word for "happy" (feliz) during the birthday song, causing chaos as he blows out Frank's candles [08:55]. This act, while seemingly innocent, triggers a profound sense of insecurity and anger in Frank, highlighting his need for validation and the emotional turmoil stemming from Mariano's relentless pranks.

The culmination of these recurring disruptions leads to an explosive confrontation. Frank's inability to contain his frustration results in him destroying the birthday cake, an act that haunts him for years [12:02]. Despite Mariano's eventual digital redemption attempt—uploading the embarrassing video of the ruined birthday—it fails to resonate with Frank, leaving him grappling with lingering insecurities.

Notable Quotes:

• "Your mouth's saying one thing, but those eyes are saying something else." – Kevin Allison [01:20]
• "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to." – Frank Traynor [13:11]
• "I never found it funny at all." – Frank Traynor reflecting on the viral video [11:19]

Insights: Frank's story delves into themes of friendship, the quest for personal validation, and the long-term effects of childhood experiences on adult self-esteem. It underscores the delicate balance between playful teasing and emotional harm, illustrating how seemingly minor acts can leave enduring scars.

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Jonathan Bradley Welch: "Who Likes Tacos?" [19:38 – 40:57]

Jonathan Bradley Welch takes the stage with his evocative narrative, "Who Likes Tacos?", a tale of identity, friendship, and unexpected turmoil.

Summary: Jonathan recounts a pivotal moment from his youth when he navigates the complexities of being a closeted gay teenager in the year 2000. Invited to visit Southern Vermont College in Bennington, Vermont, he embarks on a weekend trip with his best friend, Alex, and her on-again, off-again boyfriend, Lars.

The journey turns tumultuous as Lars, characterized as the quintessential straight, popular guy, disrupts the trip with his incessant talking and reckless behavior. Jonathan describes Lars as "a total jackoff" whose presence becomes increasingly unbearable [25:45]. The tension culminates in a devastating car crash caused by Lars smoking heavily, leading to a shattered wheel and a sense of utter helplessness.

Stranded in a desolate Vermont town with no immediate help, Jonathan faces a severe panic attack, exacerbated by feelings of isolation and fear. The situation forces him to confront his anxieties and the fragility of his carefully guarded identity. In the aftermath, Jonathan and Alex sever ties with Lars definitively, symbolizing a critical step towards self-acceptance and autonomy.

The story reaches its emotional peak when, years later, Jonathan reconnects with Alex to reflect on the incident. Although Lars briefly reappears, the damage is irrevocable, paving the way for Jonathan to embrace his true self and pursue a life that aligns with his authentic identity [33:13].

Notable Quotes:

• "I don't have any money. We don't have cell phones. It's the year 2000 and I'm a twink and I'm alone and I don't know what to do. And it's called Lars." – Jonathan Bradley Welch [00:05]
• "I am not enjoying myself, Lars." – Jonathan Bradley Welch during the confrontation [28:30]
• "You have to challenge them completely." – GM advertisement snippet [02:54] (Note: This quote is part of an advertisement and not directly related to the story.)

Insights: Jonathan's narrative explores the struggle of maintaining one's identity in the face of external pressures and societal expectations. It highlights the importance of supportive friendships and the courage required to break free from toxic influences. The story serves as a testament to personal growth and the resilience needed to overcome deeply ingrained fears.

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Host's Closing Remarks

Kevin Allison wraps up the episode by reflecting on the profound stories shared by Frank and Jonathan. He emphasizes the importance of vulnerability and the courage it takes to share such intimate experiences. Allison also updates listeners on upcoming live shows, Patreon offerings, and coaching sessions, encouraging continued support for the RISK! community.

Notable Quotes:

• "Today's the day. Take a risk." – Kevin Allison [40:57]

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Conclusion

"Losing It" is a compelling episode that masterfully intertwines humor with heartfelt vulnerability. Through Frank Traynor's and Jonathan Bradley Welch's stories, listeners are invited to reflect on the complexities of friendship, identity, and personal growth. Kevin Allison's empathetic hosting ties these narratives together, creating an engaging and thought-provoking experience that resonates long after the episode concludes.

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Find More:

• RISK! Live Shows: Dates and locations include Washington, D.C. on June 7th, Philadelphia on June 19th, and New York on June 26th. Tickets available at risk-show.com/live.

• Support RISK!: Become a patron at patreon.com/risk or make a one-time donation at PayPal me riskshow.

• Follow Guests:

  • Frank Traynor: franktrainer.com
  • Jonathan Bradley Welch: Instagram – @jonathanb.welch

• Coaching Sessions: Available at kevinalison.com.

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Thank you for listening to RISK! Stay tuned for more fearless storytelling.

Transcript

[Kevin Allison]

Hey, folks, this is Kevin. On this week's episode of Risk, you'll hear Jonathan Bradley Welch.

[Jonathan Bradley Welch]

I don't have any money. We don't have cell phones. It's the year 2000 and I'm a twink and I'm alone and I'm scared and I don't know what to do. And it's called Lars.

[Kevin Allison]

That and more. But first, if you are LGBTQ and you can make it to the gorgeous Omega Institute campus in Rhinebeck, New York, this June 13th to June 15th, I'm going to be leading a beautif workshop that's going to be both fun and so nourishing, metaphorically speaking. The workshop is called Storytelling for LGBTQ Pride. We'll be sharing sweet stories, joyous stories, sad stories, stories about our childhoods, stories about now. We'll be making new friends and having a beautiful weekend of pride and and connection. Look for Storytelling for LGBTQ [e-mail] Again, that's storytelling for LGBTQ [e-mail] We'll be right back. I found a kid who swings a.

[Jonathan Bradley Welch]

Golf club like a dream. I'd like to try to qualify him.

[Kevin Allison]

For the US Amateurs coming to Apple tv.

[Jonathan Bradley Welch]

Plus what's your name? I'm not into older guys, but I'm flattered.

[Kevin Allison]

A new comedy series. Stick. I don't want to go on this trip.

[Jonathan Bradley Welch]

Your mouth's saying one thing, but those eyes are saying something else.

[Kevin Allison]

From the home of Ted Lasso.

[Frank Traynor]

This is your shot at redemption.

[Kevin Allison]

This is your mulligan. Owen Wilson.

[Jonathan Bradley Welch]

This game takes and it takes. The game's finally giving me something back.

[Kevin Allison]

Stick.

[Jonathan Bradley Welch]

You know Arnold Palmer iced tea, lemonade? Mix it. I'm missing a nap for this.

[Kevin Allison]

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[Frank Traynor]

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[Jonathan Bradley Welch]

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[Frank Traynor]

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[Jonathan Bradley Welch]

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[Frank Traynor]

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[Kevin Allison]

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[Frank Traynor]

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[Jonathan Bradley Welch]

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[Frank Traynor]

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[Jonathan Bradley Welch]

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[Frank Traynor]

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[Kevin Allison]

Put us in a box. Go ahead.

[Frank Traynor]

That just gives us something to break.

[Kevin Allison]

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[Frank Traynor]

Foreign.

[Kevin Allison]

Hello folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison, this is Rush behind me now with a song called Losing it because we're calling this week's episode precisely that. Do you all know about the three live shows we have coming up? As I always say, there's a huge difference when you're seeing the show live, when you are in the room where it's happening. You know who agrees the most about that? The audio editors. They spend so much time listening to recordings of stories, but they're spread out all over the country. So when one of them does make it to a live show, they talk about how much more compelling and and dynamic and special it is to be in a room full of Risk fans experiencing live theater together. Washington, D.C. we're at the Miracle Theater on June 7th. We've got stories about Guantanamo, malaria and falling in love with someone in a monogamous marriage. The theme of the stories that night will be what I Needed versus what I got, and you as an audience member will have a chance to share a five minute story on stage about that. Again, that's at the miracle theater on June 7 and tickets are at risk-show.com live. Then on June 19, we're at Fringe Arts in Philadelphia. We have stories about public shaming on the Internet, a sadistic sibling, and an end of life discovery. The theme that night is Set Me Free and you could tell a story about that that night. So June 19th at Fringe Arts Philly, and tickets are at risk-show.com live. Then on June 26th, we will be back in New York at Caveat for what will be my last hosting of a Risk Live show in New York until who knows when. So I really do hope to see you there, folks. We have two Risk favorites On today's episode, in a little bit, we're going to hear from Jonathan Bradley Welch. But before that, a story from Frank Traynor, recorded in April of 2023 at Frank's Old storytelling show called It's Funny. Now, here's Frank Trainor now with a story we call Achilles Cake.

[Frank Traynor]

So, growing up in Argentina, my best friend was Mariano Bernardi. And he was my best friend the same way that Bart Simpson and Milhouse friends in the Simpsons. Basically, we became friends at the age of four when we met. And I asked him, do you have a best friend already? I've been looking for someone to boss me around, and that's how our friendship was born. But Marino is also the biggest prankster that I know. A lifestyle that he chose when he realized how much power he has over people and how much everyone does whatever he says they should do, and they follow him and everything. And that's why I have to make sure that he doesn't ruin my 11th birthday the same way that he tried to ruin my 10th birthday the previous year. Here's the thing. My birthday to me has always been really important. And, like, it was always like my own, you know, like my second favorite religious holiday, basically right after Christmas, and, like, my own personal Christmas, for that matter. It's like my own Birth of the Son of God. Like, here I am. Praise me. Praise me. Give me your children. No, wait. No dogs. Basically, I'm a very insecure and angry kid, and I need the validation that comes in the 30 seconds where everyone is singing Happy Birthday and it's all about me for a moment. And everyone is happy that I'm still alive and that I'm still here, you know, at least I know that I am. And before my 10th birthday, Mariano didn't know that about me being a typical Argentinian boy. My birthday is the same every year. First, of course, I play a game of soccer with my friends, clearly. And then I proceed to blow out the candles on a cake shaped like a soccer field decorated with tiny soccer players playing a tiny game of soccer with a tiny soccer ball.

[Jonathan Bradley Welch]

It's the best.

[Frank Traynor]

Honestly, it's the best every year. So there we are. We finished playing the game of soccer, and we proceed to, you know, blow out the candles and sing Happy Birthday. And when everyone is singing Happy Birthday, Mariano finds a great opportunity when everyone says feliz, which means happy in Spanish. Ironically, he's trying to ruin my birthday with the word happy. How evil do you have to be at 10 years old to do that? So every time Everyone sings Feliz. He uses the F in Feliz to blow out my candles a little bit. Feliz, Feliz. And it was like, that's so much fun. Let's ruin his birthday altogether now. So everyone suddenly is like bellies, bellies. Blowing out my candles. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Then let the anger out. Don't, don't, don't get angry, Don't. Chill, keep chill. Just be in the joke. Being on the joke with them. Haha, haha. Guys, this is so much fun. I tried laugh with them. This is so much fun. I don't give a shit that I mean on the joke they're like, no, we're gonna ruin your birthday anyway. Fairies. So what I do is contain my the frosting on the cake towards Mariano. And then I lock eyes on him and with my gaze I just tell him, stop it right now. What are you doing? Don't ruin this for me. Don't you know it's Christmas? And that's when time stops for a second. And Mariano realizes what my birthday means to me and he quits. And he quits. And he's going to come back with more next year. I know it. And of course everyone. Because he stops, everyone stops. And we finish singing Happy Birthday. I blow out my candles and Christmas is saved. I then spend the rest of the year going crazy with paranoia in my head that next year he's going to do it again. And I have to prepare myself to not get angry. I have to be ready to be in on the joke with them because if I get angry, they win. So I got to be like, haha, so much fun. Guys ruin my birthday. I'm in on it with you. And then comes my birthday again next year and it's the same thing all over again. First I play a game of soccer with my friends and then we proceed to blow out the candles and sing Happy Birthday on a cake shaped like a soccer field decorated with tennis. Soccer players beat a tiny game of soccer with a tiny soccer ball. It's the best every year. And there is Mariano again by my side, like every year. And there he goes again, even more than the last year.

[Jonathan Bradley Welch]

Feliz.

[Frank Traynor]

And he blows out my cannons a little bit. And it was like so much fun. I forgot how much fun it was to try to ruin his birthday. Let's all do it. And everyone's like, fairly is blowing out my candles. I'm like, no, no. Okay, cool. It's Funny, guys, I'm in on this joke. How fairlies. And they blowing my candles like I know. Hahaha. I'm laughing with you. Ha ha ha. Fairly won't stop doing it. And that's it. It's going to be rage again. So I slap the candles off the cake with one hand and then with both hands, I start pounding the cake with both hands. And then everyone stops singing immediately. It's not funny anymore at all. The only thing you can hear is my friend's mom who's come courting the other birthday, who's screaming, what is he doing?

[Jonathan Bradley Welch]

What is he doing?

[Frank Traynor]

And then I just lift the cake in the air and I throw it on the floor and I storm out to cry in the bathroom in anger and shame. Christmas is ruined. That event haunted me for the rest of my life, as you can poorly imagine. And my friend, whose mom was videotaping the birthday all the time for the next 25 years, kept sending me messages every once in a while. Hey, I showed the video to somebody else. They think it's so funny. I never found it funny at all, man. It was never funny to me. But then, you know, time went by and along came the Internet. And with it, people uploading their horrible videos online and getting likes and validations and going viral and becoming viral sensations and getting lots of validation and being basically modern heroes. And I saw my opportunity to find redemption finally, once and for all. So after 25 years, my friend was able to send me a digital copy of the video and I put it online. And no one watched it. No one cared. No one liked it, no one shared it, no one. No one cared at all. And neither should I. You know what I mean? Neither should I. Inside, I'm still that insecure kid. But I've been working on my anger. And isn't that what we're all trying to do? I know, right? But I know if one of you are here tonight, you're still one of those people who have an Achilles cake like me with my birthday. And you care about your birthday and celebrating that you're still alive and that you're still here. That's totally fine. And I get it. So if one of you tonight are one of those people, let me be the first one to tell you. Merry Christmas. Thank you.

[Jonathan Bradley Welch]

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

[Kevin Allison]

Cry if I want to. Cry if I want to.

[Frank Traynor]

You would cry too if it happened to you fairies. And he blows out my cannons a little bit. And it was like so much fun. I forgot how much fun it was to try to ruin his birthday. Let's all do it. And everyone's like, fairly is blowing out my candles. I'm like, no, no. Okay, cool. It's funny, guys. I knew the joke I'm laughing with. Won't stop doing it. Won't stop doing it. Won't stop doing it. Where is it going? What is it doing? That event haunted me for the rest of my life, as you can probably imagine.

[Jonathan Bradley Welch]

We'll be right back. Eczema isn't always obvious, but it's real. And so is the relief from Ebglis. After an initial dosing phase of 16.

[Kevin Allison]

Weeks, about 4 in 10 people taking.

[Jonathan Bradley Welch]

EVGLIS achieved itch relief and clear or almost clear skin. And most of those people maintain skin that's still more clear at one year with monthly dosing. EBGLIS Librekizumab LBKZ a 250 milligram per 2 milliliter injection, is a prescription medicine used to treat adults and children 12 years of age and older who weigh at least 88 pounds or 40 kilograms with moderate to severe eczema, also called atopic dermatitis, that is not well controlled with prescription therapies used on the skin or topicals, or who cannot use topical therapies. EBGLIS can be used with or without topical corticosteroids. Don't use if you're allergic to Eglis. Allergic reactions can occur that can be severe. Eye problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems. You should not receive a live vaccine when treated with Ebglis before starting Ebglis. Tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. Searching for real relief? Ask your doctor about eglis and visit ebgliss.lilly.com or call 1-800-LilyRx or 1-800-5979.

[Frank Traynor]

This season of Revisionist History, we're investigating.

[Jonathan Bradley Welch]

Everything from the secret behind the perfect.

[Frank Traynor]

Nooks and crannies in Thomas English Muffins to the merits of Paw Patrol against its critics. There's some things that really piss me off when it comes to Paw Patrol.

[Jonathan Bradley Welch]

It's pretty simple. It sucks.

[Kevin Allison]

My son watches Paw Patrol. I hate it.

[Frank Traynor]

Everyone hates it except for me. Listen to Revisionist History wherever you get your podcasts.

[Jonathan Bradley Welch]

This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Knowing you could be saving money for the things you really want is a great feeling. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. This episode is brought to you by Amazon Prime. From streaming to shopping, prime helps you get more out of your passions. So whether you're a fan of true.

[Frank Traynor]

Crime or prefer a nail biting novel.

[Jonathan Bradley Welch]

From time to time, with services like Prime Video, Amazon Music, and fast free.

[Kevin Allison]

Delivery, prime makes it easy to get.

[Jonathan Bradley Welch]

More out of whatever you're into or getting into.

[Kevin Allison]

Visit Amazon.comprime to learn more. We're back.

[Frank Traynor]

You don't own me. I'm not just one of your many toys. You don't own me. Don't say I, I can't go with other boys.

[Kevin Allison]

This is Risk. This is Leslie Gore behind me now and we just heard from Frank Trainor who's presenting his first solo show, A Real man this summer at Hollywood Fringe at the Hudson Guild Theater. You can find out [e-mail] Folks, I'm going to be putting a new check in about how my life is going and how things are behind the scenes with risk over on patreon.com risk you might not know that you have access over there to the live stream shows we did during the COVID lockdown with storytellers all sheltering in place in their homes from all around the world. That was such a stunningly surreal but also magical series of live shows. So many amazing moments and they're [e-mail] risk we truly do need the financial support of our listeners as much as ever these days. If you can become a [e-mail] risk there's so much there. If you are a member there and can raise your donation amount, that would be wonderful. And if you'd like to make a one time donation, that's at PayPal me riskshow. Next we're going to hear from Jonathan Bradley Welch at a Risk live show in Los Angeles a couple years back. Here's Jonathan now with a story we call who Likes Tacos? I don't tell you what to say, don't tell you what to do.

[Jonathan Bradley Welch]

Just let me be myself, that's all I ask of you. I love and I love to be your. You know, as a lot of queer youth do, like you ask yourself the question, where do I belong? Do I fit in? Am I the kind of person who people want to be around? You know, so that was a question that I was asking myself A lot when I was a kid or when I was younger. I mean when I was little, like don't get me wrong, I had friends, right? I would go play baseball in the neighborhood with my friends, you know, in the cul de sac. And then like 3:55 would roll around and I'd be like, guys, I gotta go. Designing women's on at 4 and 4:30. And like those women are my friends, you know, like big shouldered ladies from the south. Love them, but I know. So as much of a like hit as I was with the neighborhood, for varying reasons, my real friendships didn't start until I was a teenager. And one of my very best friends that I met around that time was this girl named Alex. And I mean, Alex was everything, okay, Funny, pretty, smart. She was like, she was a little bohemian. She was aloof in a good way. Things would just roll off her back and she didn't care. She had style, she had flair. She was there, she was fantastic. She was, she was my own Designing Woman, but without the shoulder pads. And we did everything together the last two years of high school. She was actually the person who taught me in the Sophie B. Hawkins song As I Lay Me Down. You know that song, right? I'm not gonna sing it, but there's a little interstitial. And she's like, I think they're singing who likes tacos? Cause it goes like who likes tacos? But it's ooh la caco. Which doesn't mean anything anyway, so she was like just the best person in my life, right? And so it was time for me, senior year to look at colleges to figure out where I was gonna go to school. And when you're a closeted gay teenager in New England, you have two options, okay? You either go to an urban university so that you can have like the Sex and the city experience. I'm the Samantha. Or you go to the academic equivalent of a Dave Matthews concert and you go to a tiny liberal arts school somewhere in the woods. I got accepted with a full ride to Southern Vermont College in Bennington, Vermont. So I was door number two and I was invited up for the weekend to check out the campus to see what it was all about. And I asked Alex if she wanted to come with me. And she was like, absolutely, I'd love to. Now, Bennington, Vermont. Does anybody know Bennington, Vermont? Okay, that's good. That's a good start. It's not very big, it's very historic. My aunt and uncle lived there, so I spent summers there and I was like, I know the town, you know, Like, I'm very familiar with it. So I'd love to bring you. Like, I'd love to take you, my friend, and show you this town. So she was like, I'm totally game. Let's go. And so we were planning this weekend, and she's like, can Lars come and. Okay, Lars. You might be thinking, who's Lars? Is it her persnickety cat? Is it a stuffed animal? A Swedish exchange student? No, Lars was Alex's on again, off again boyfriend. And, you know, he was popular. He was well liked. He had all the parties at his house. He had a lot of money. He was handsome. He was a musician. He was a total jackoff. Like, he was just such a loser. Like one of those guys, like straight white guys who just fails up and up and up and up and up. And I don't even think that he had any Scandinavian ancestry and his name was Lars. So, like, this was like, a little appropriation. But we didn't know that back in 2000. And so I wasn't that good in my youth at expressing the word no or coming up with a boundary. So I was like, sure, Lars can come with us now. He had already gone to college. He was off, he was away. So we had to pick him up on the way. I grew up in Massachusetts and had to drive the four hours to Vermont, and we picked him up halfway there. So we get to his campus and I pull up in my 92 electric blue Chevy Corsica that had on the dashboard duct tape remnants that said Comac. And I didn't know what that was, so I asked the previous owner and he's like, I'm the mack. My girlfriend's the comac. And I was like, so you can't get rid of that? You know, that's just like, ingrained in the dash. Pick him up. He gets in the car, he's wearing, do you know those, like, oval braided rugs you'd see in, like, a colonial dining room in the 80s? He basically cut a hole in it and he put it over. He was wearing that. His hair was just, like, messy, mussed, like all over the place. Facial hair growing in bizarre patches. Cause he was trying that out. He forgot hygiene. So Bo was like, hello, how you doing? Like, punching me in the face. And he had gained, like, the cafeteria weight at college, you know, and he had been there for three. So, like, he was just the vision of not who I wanted in my car, but here he was, and he was coming on this weekend with us. And for the two hours from his school up to Vermont, he just talked about himself the whole time and how enlightening things were and all these people he was meeting and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And we couldn't like get a word in edgewise. So I took it and I sat there and I just listened to him. And I was like, God, I can't wait for this person to get out of the car now. Also, he really wasn't treating my friend very well. They were on again, off again, and they were at this point more off than they were on. So I don't really know like why he was even part of this situation, but he was. And he was there with us. And we were going to stay with my aunt and uncle so that I could check out this school. So we get to my aunt and uncle's house, say hi, drop things off. It's getting around dinner time, so I'm like, you know what, let's explore the town and then we'll find something to eat. And everybody's like, great. So Alex and Lars in my car, we're driving through the town. I'm trying to remember things from my childhood. Remember, like, where the campus is, remember where the downtown area is. And I'm showing them everything. And he's sitting in the back of the. Taking up so much space and like, like emotionally. And also physically, he's like, do you mind if I smoke a bowl? And now I would just be like, absolutely not. Like, that's not okay with me because I was like a very. I was a good kid. I didn't really do that stuff. And it was my car. And the dirtiest thing about the car was the comac thing. Like there it was a very like clean vehicle. And I was like, sure, why not? I'll be a pushover. And so he starts just smoking so much weed. Alex and I are not smoking any of it. And we're driving and we're driving down this country road and just kind of. I'm trying to remember where we are. We're getting into the historical district of town and the car's filling up with smoke. And that's when it happened. I hear and feel this giant crash. It felt like I ran over someone, but that someone was made of concrete. And we became airborne like Thelma and Louise. In the end, like the cars just kind of like flying. And we're just like flying. And for a beautiful moment, weightless. It was really kind of like, wow, this is like a two sided coin here. It was horrifying. But also like, ooh, wow. And we're flying in the air, and then we hit the asphalt and sparks come up and we just grind to a halt. And everybody's quiet for, like, four seconds. And I just go, do you think I got a flat? We get out of the car. We're in front of this old white church, one of those beautiful old New England churches with, you know, the big white boards and, like, the two doors on either side. And it's been there since the 1700s, and we discovered that my wheel's gone. Like, I don't have a flat, I don't have a tire, and I don't have a wheel. There was a big curb right in front of that church that wasn't there when I was a kid to say, this is a one way, don't drive down here. But when you have an idiot in the backseat who's making your car, like, filled with smoke and impossible to see anything, you don't see that this is right in front of you, right? So I start just completely, like, shaking, like, melting down. I don't know what to do. And I'm kind of freaking out. And Lars comes out and he's just like, ugh, that's crazy. But, like, guys, this is a beautiful place. This is a beautiful night. It's just. This is so great. We just need to, like, take this in and, like, just kind of enjoy this experience. And I was like, I am not enjoying myself, Lars. And I just, like, I let him have it. I'm like, I never wanted to pick you up in the first place. Lars. I can't fucking stand you. You're an awful person. You're terrible to my friend. You won't shut up. You distracted me. Now I don't have a wheel, I don't have any money. We don't have cell phones. It's the year 2000, and I'm a twink and I'm alone and I'm scared and I don't know what to do. And it's called Lars. And I hate you because I keep saying Lars, and it makes me feel like I'm stuck in this Mary Tyler Moore show nightmare where I just keep saying the name Lars over and over again. So he's like, cool. I think I went to piano camp around here and just wanders around. And at this point, Alex and I are like, okay, okay, well, we need help. And everything's closed. Like, nobody saw us. Nobody's around. I don't know if any of you guys have been to Vermont, but nobody's ever there, okay? Everything's always closed. There's like one candle in the window. It's like 1789 all the time, and we don't know what to do with ourselves. And I'm having just like the world's largest panic attack. And it's just like rolling. And I just. And he's just like, I went to piano camp around here, I'm gonna find it. And Alex is like, go fucking find piano camp. And so into the woods he went and just like kind of disappeared just into the green and we just didn't see him anymore. So Alex and I were trying to find our way to, like, a motel and figure out, like, if anybody could help us. And I'm standing there and I'm looking at this church and there's. It seems like just one street light in the entire state of Vermont. And it's shining on my car completely, like, with a smashed wheel, just sitting there. And we're sitting there and we're like, oh, we don't know what to do. And I have to walk down the street and try to find some motel so I can call my aunt and uncle and hopefully they can help. And hopefully they're home. Like, what am I going to do? This tour bus comes up, like one of those big buses that is supposed to take like 65 year olds to the casino. Except they're pulling up in front of this church and it's dark out at 7 o' clock on a Saturday night. And these people come out and somebody says, and this is where the poet Robert Frost is buried. The curb had been built so that they could put a marker in, like an historical site marker in front of the church that said this is where poet laureate Robert Frost is buried. And it's like, okay, I know the guy spoke at JFK's inauguration, but, like, if you already have a headstone, why do you need that too, you know? And like, because of that, now my car is in pieces. And again, I'm a cold, scared twink. I don't know what to do with myself. So we walk down the street, we go to. We find a motel. And like, they have a sliding glass door with those vertical blinds. And the woman just like, parts it. She's like Beulah Bondi. And it's a wonderful life when he's finding out his. His mother is not really. She doesn't know him. And it's this new life that he's never lived in. And she's like, mother, I ain't nobody's mother. And that's what this woman was giving me, energy wise. She was just like, what do you want? Like, parting the vertical blinds. What do you want? And I was like, hi, I'm a very Unassuming Abercrombie wearing 17 year old boy who's scared. And my car's in pieces. Can I call my aunt and uncle to come get it? And she's like, sure, but I'm gonna watch you.

[Frank Traynor]

Like, okay.

[Jonathan Bradley Welch]

So I call my aunt and uncle. They come, they take care of everything. You know, they help me out through the whole situation. My aunt called my mom, you know, I just heard like, like, screaming. She's like, jonathan, you know, smashed his car. We towed it away. It's gonna be fine. She's like, you know, screaming. I was there with Alex and I felt very thankful. I felt very calm because here's this person who's like my best friend. We'd just been through this thing together and she was there for me. This awful boyfriend of hers was just, like, nowhere in sight. Was that the point of this whole trip? Like, maybe we could just get rid of him. That would be so wonderful. And so we went into the guest bedroom and we started watching Seinfeld reruns. And I was like, oh, my God, I forgot how much I love this show. Like, we were just having a great time. And then we hear pebbles up against the window, like rocks. My aunt and uncle had gone to sleep. It was, you know, a pretty late hour. We both go to the window and there's Lars standing in the middle of the lawn. It was very like Romeo and Juliet, like, wherefore art thou? But we were like, for art we, art thou. You're here. Fuck you. Go away. And he's like, hey, I calmed down. Or I came off like, whatever. And I'm like, fine, can I come in? And we just looked at each other and we looked back and we were like, no, no, you can't come in. And Alex takes it one step further and she's like, and we're done here. You and I are finished forever, and I don't ever want to see you again. Like, I don't know if you guys have ever been in a situation when two people are breaking up and you're just sitting there. It is either exhilarating or it's very uncomfortable. This was exhilarating. I was just so happy to see somebody who had every advantage in life handed to him on a platter. Somebody who was, like, super cool and potentially someone who I would look to and be like, I Wish I had all the things he had. We basically told him to just, like, disappear into the woods again and find his way back to hell where he came from. And so he did. He disappeared into the woods, never to be seen again by me. By me. He's alive. He lived, somehow made it back. And, you know, I decided I'm not going to this school. A trauma happened in Bennington, Vermont, and Bennington, Vermont, is probably not for me. So I'm gonna go live my life as the Samantha in the city and take that route instead. And that was kind of the end of my story until I called Alex, who, by the way, is still, like, my best friend 22 years later. And I called her up and I asked her about the story, and I was like, I want to talk about it. What are your thoughts? What do you remember? And I was like, and I just remember we never saw him again. Like, you broke up with him on the spot. We never saw him again. And she's like, I saw him last year. And I was like, really? So he made it back? She's like, yeah, he made it back. She's like, I had to go in and pick something up at a Chili's off the highway. And he was there alone. And I was like, I'm so glad he found where he belongs. Thank you, guys.

[Frank Traynor]

It felt like springtime on this February morning in a courtyard Birds were singing your praise I'm still recalling things you said to make me feel all right I carry them with me today now as I lay me down to sleep Yes, I pray that you will hold me dear though I'm far away I whisper your name into the sky and I will wake up happy I wonder.

[Kevin Allison]

Why.

[Frank Traynor]

I feel so high in the why I am not above the sorrow Heavy hearted till you call my name.

[Jonathan Bradley Welch]

And it sounds like church bells or the whistle of a train on a.

[Frank Traynor]

Summer evening I want to meet you barefoot beneath me there as I made me do not go deep as I.

[Jonathan Bradley Welch]

Say to a home.

[Kevin Allison]

This is Risk. This is Sophie B. Hawkins behind me now. And behind Sophie are a few other women wondering who likes Tacos? And we just heard from Jonathan Bradley Welch with a story we call who Likes Tacos? Just because I get a kick out of that. You can find Jonathan on Instagram at Jonathan B. Welch. And I hope Lars is doing better and growing. I always kind of wish for the best for all the people mentioned in Risk stories, even if they didn't show up so well at the time of the story itself. Folks, I'm still doing hangouts on zoom with people who want to help support my raising funds for my big move in September. I've had some truly delightful experiences with this chatting about things like what a person's favorite Risk stories are, or what sort of creative endeavor they're pursuing lately, or what they might like to know about the state, my old sketch comedy group, or just anything on our minds these days. I'm suggesting $100 for those, but a person can always give more. You can email me about [e-mail] and then in a more official capacity, I have my professional one on one coaching sessions available that you can find if you look me [e-mail] that's coaching for storytelling, including storytelling for career or professional purposes, and coaching for life. Again, you can find [e-mail] now. On Wednesday, Susan Liu, the author of the highly acclaimed memoir the Manicurist Daughter, is gonna come to re listen to her 2017 risk story that led her to writing the memoir. But that's Wednesday and folks, today's the day. Take a risk.

[Frank Traynor]

Who likes tacos?