Loading summary
Transcript33 lines
- [00:00]
A
Hey folks, this is Kevin. On this week's episode of Risk, you'll hear Rachel Ann Warren.
- [00:06]
B
When someone comes to see me, I don't pretend that they don't have a problem. I don't pretend that it's no big deal. I didn't notice. I tell them I see your problem. I have the same problem.
- [00:20]
A
That and more. But first, come to the Risk Live show in New York City on December 11th. The theme that night is collateral damage. So if you have a five minute story you might want to share about that, you might get picked to share on stage. Plus, there will be our usual curated stories coached by our staff. And our fabulous host JC Cassis will be doing the ringleading that night at Caveat on the Lower east side. That's December 11th and the tickets are at risk-show.com live.
- [00:52]
C
We'll be right back.
- [00:54]
A
Black Friday Savings are here at the Home Depot, which means it's time to add new cordless power to your collection. Right now, when you buy a select battery kit from one of our top brands like Ryobi or Milwaukee, you'll get a select tool from that same brand for free. Click into one of our best deals of the season and stock up on tools for all your upcoming projects. Get Black Friday Savings happening now at the Home Depot. Limit one per transaction exclusion supply full.
- [01:22]
C
Eligible tool list in store and online. This episode is brought to you by ebay. Before all the algorithm fed blah and the endless sea of dupes, shopping used to feel more fun. Find that feeling again on ebay. It's not mindless scrolling, it's a fashion pursuit. And when you score that rare Adidas collab or the Dior saddlebag you've been manifesting, it's a rush. Ebay has millions of pre loved finds from hundreds of brands backed by authenticity guarantee. Ebay Things People love.
- [01:55]
B
When it comes to gifting, everyone on your list deserves something special.
- [01:58]
C
Luckily, Marshall's buyers travel far and wide, hustling for great deals and amazing gifts so you don't have to.
- [02:04]
B
That means your mom gets that cashmere sweater, your best, that Italian leather bag. Your co workers unwrap their favorite beauty.
- [02:11]
C
Brands and your nephews the coolest new toys. Go ahead.
- [02:15]
B
A price is this good, you can.
- [02:17]
C
Grab something for yourself too.
- [02:18]
B
Marshalls.
- [02:19]
C
We get the deals, you gift the good stuff.
- [02:21]
B
Shop now@marshalls.com or find a store near you.
- [02:25]
C
This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast Smart move Being financially savvy. Smart move. Another smart move having State Farm help you create a competitive price when you choose to bundle home and aut bundling. Just another way to save with a personal price plan like a good neighbor State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state.
- [02:55]
A
Now here's the show. Sam. Foreign. Hello folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison, and we're calling this week's episode not in Hiding Anymore. In a little bit, we're going to hear from Rachel Ann Warren, but before that, something really unusual, something we have literally never done before. As you probably know, I've been teaching these online storytelling workshops this year, and they've become so popular. I'm so thrilled about it. They've really made us begin to feel like the future of Risk will depend on getting the listeners you even more engaged and involved with us to make the Risk community a more active and connected one with we found that when you fill a storytelling workshop or a storytelling social event with Risk listeners, you're automatically bringing together compassionate, thoughtful, creative, interesting people. We've had an amazingly wide range of people from all sorts of fascinating backgrounds. Some of these folks have been reading and writing or performing, forming or making art of one kind or another their whole lives. But others are so brand new to all of this that they show up the first week really scared. We've had people start the course who were shaking or a little teary or just really, like clammed up. And then it is such a joy, it is such a miracle to watch them become more and more more and more comfortable and safe and to be able to share on a level similar to what you're about to hear this first storyteller on the episode today. You know, if you're afraid that you might be too new, if you're afraid you might be the only person of your race or gender identity or socioeconomic background in the workshop. That's something we can talk about. If you want to tell a story about something you're worried folks might not understand, we can talk about that. We're creating this especially supportive and caring, positive place where people can improvise, people can share a lot or just a little. People can tell any kind of story, you know, even if you're not quite sure. Something is by definition a story, you can share it. So later in the episode, I'm going to let you know about the next one. I'm going to be teaching very soon. But the reason I said what you're about to hear is so special is that this recording you're about to hear comes from one of the online workshop Zoom sessions. Now, that means the audio quality will not be great because it's zoom. And please know we don't record the online workshop sessions with the intention of sharing the recordings anywhere. Only the participants in the workshops have access to the recordings. In this particular instance, I asked this student, Mira Rivera, for her permission to run this recording for. From the Zoom workshop session on the episode. I thought it would be really interesting to give you a sense of the vibe, what it feels like in the workshops. I just felt it's such a wonderful example of someone opening up in a way that they weren't sure they could at the beginning of the workshop. And we were all so thrilled about it. In the Zoom session, even though you can't hear the rest of us, everyone else is muted. But I feel like you will catch the vibe of how she felt she could get to this place to share in this way because of the momentum of the supportive nature of the workshop and all. So if you're thinking, I wonder if I could get over my shyness and share intimate things, stuff in that class, just listen to how far Mera came with that. We have her permission to share the recording with all of us now. So here is Mira Rivera in one of my online storytelling workshops with a story we call Sexual Healing.
- [08:50]
C
I'm sitting in a Denny's, and this is a diner that smells like the color yellow. And across from me is the man that I've been separated from for the last three weeks, my husband of 10 years, who now feels like a stranger to me because he's telling me that he wants a divorce because he's no longer attracted to.
- [09:07]
B
To me.
- [09:08]
C
And those words replayed in my head for a minute as we were in that moment. I'm not attracted to you. I'm not attracted to you. And it just, like, hit me because, honestly, like, the year I had had prior to that, you know, I had a miscarriage. I'd have some fertility challenges. My ob GYN pointed to my womb. And one doctor's appointment was like, it's just a mess in there. And so, like, I wasn't attracted to me either. I probably wasn't a lot of fun to be around. And I left that Denny's just feeling gut punched and hoping, you know, perhaps there could be a sign of some sort that I could be desirable. Because when somebody, you know, Tells you that it's really hurtful. And I went along my way trying to sort of start over again. You know, all the things that one does when they end a marriage, you know, the moving and the finding a new place and the going to Ikea and getting furniture and just all the starting over. And the holidays weren't particularly challenging. But something I found some entertainment in was the novelty of dating apps. Because the last time I had been single, I was in my 20s before dating apps. So you know, there was still this like convenience of like, okay, even if I'm not these people's type, like I can just swipe right and left and say they are my type and you know, come what will about what happens. And I sort of did that to entertain myself and get me through the holidays. And every now and then there'd be like a temporary ego boost, but most of the time it was short lived and I was still really grieving through other transitions in my life. So I had changed jobs and other things. And so by the time we get to like February, you know, Valentine's Day is coming up and like I'm in the place where, you know, Valentine's day, when you're in a happy couple is like a beautiful holiday because you know, love is everywhere. But when you're upset and not attracted to yourself, it's very different. And so I had taken some time off between the job transitions I was having. And it's a random Monday morning and I'm finding myself, you know, swiping back and forth on one of the dating apps while I'm having coffee and I come across this photo of this like very handsome, shirtless, smiling man. And I swipe right and like all the things I saw about him, you know, they all put their height and their weight and their ethnicity. And so I'm like, okay, like you're in your 30s and you're Puerto Rican and you're allegedly 5 11, but you know, you might be 5'5, cause they lie about that. So I thought, okay, this man's way too good looking for me, but I'm gonna go for it because, you know, who cares? It's entertainment. And lo and behold, like, we match. And I'm just like, oh, you swipe back on me too. And that was already an ego boost. Like I didn't even have to talk to him after that. It was just like, okay, cool. So then I message him with the opening line that I was using on every dating app. Like, you have to find something that's like still you but like can still tell you something about a person. So my go to opening line on the apps was, are you more likely to get into a pillow fight or a food fight that could tell you a lot about a person. And the message pings and he replies back like within two minutes of me sending this and he says, pillow fight, I don't like to waste food and what are you up to? And so then, you know, we're making small talk on the app and he says, okay, I'm visiting la. I'm here from New York for the week and you know, I just landed this morning, you know, what are you doing today? And what do you recommend I do while I'm here? And I'm like, okay, like this is interesting. And so I recommend like the quintessential LA activity which is like, oh, go on hike. Like there's lots of places to go and you see like lots of good looking fit people, all that fun stuff. And then like, I wasn't planning to do this but I just said, oh, like I'm gonna go on one later today, like if you wanna join me. And you know, I had no intention of actually going on this hike, but he's like, okay, great, where do I meet you? And you know, this all seemed like a trap or like a little too fast, but I'm like, hot New Yorker here for the week. Like expiration dating. Like that a good entertaining thing to do. Like I know he's leaving, that's fun. And so we arranged for me to pick him up at the Metro. And it felt risky, but like equally risky for both of us because I'm like, yes, I'm letting a stranger into my car, but this stranger is getting into my car and letting me take him up into the mountains. And I'm the local and he's not, so maybe this is more dangerous for him than it is for me. And so we're driving to the hiking spot and you know, it's awkward and quiet because, you know, we're still figuring out each other's energy. And there was, he was just like answering in a lot of like short one word sentences. So I'm like, hey, like, what are you doing in la? And he's like visiting a friend. And then I said, okay, well when do you leave? Next Tuesday. And like everything was just like two word, like short sentences. And I think, okay, like maybe he's nervous, I don't know what's going on. But we go on the hike and while we're on the hike, I'm nervous. So the other thing that was sort of helping me grieve and maybe numb a little bit through my post divorce was a marijuana vape pen. So I'm like, pull out the vape pen. Because I'm like, hey, you know, a little marijuana, a little nature sun, whatever. So, you know, I'm using the vape pen. I offer him some, and he says, like, no, thanks. And so we keep walking and talking, and it's still this, like, short, like, just socially awkward, kind of like, why are you in my brain? I'm like, why are you here? Like, you don't even really seem like you want to talk to me, but, you know, maybe I'm just. It's just something to do. I don't know. And so then I got nervous again, and I pulled out the vape pen again, and then, you know, offered it to him again because I. I'm, you know, not used to not offering people. Like, if I have water, if I have a snack, like, I'm offering a person every time, even if they say no, because they might want it the next time. And I don't want to be rude. And he's like, if I want some, I'll ask you. You can put it away. And I'm like, okay. And so I just put it away, and we keep going. And we get to a bench, and it's like this very nice, quiet bench. There are some people sitting there, but, like, we sit down on the bench, and we're, like, admiring the view. And there', like, coyotes, and, you know, they're playing in the grass. And it's just like this very nice scenic situation. There's some other people sitting there, and they get up and, like, leave. And then maybe two seconds after they get up and leave, he scooches over to me, and he, like, puts his arm around me and kisses me. And then he says, like, I'm having a nice time. Like, thank you for inviting me. And I'm just like, well, you could have fooled me. Like, you're not elaborating. Like, you're not saying shit. Like, what is this? And so, you know, we went to coffee after the hike. You know, conversation was still this very, like, measured, short stuff. And I had to go on a work trip the next day for my new job. And so he's like, you know, maybe I can see you when you get back. And so I said, fine, you know, and so for the couple days that I was out of town, we were sort of messaging back and forth, and, you know, it was Consistent conversation, but it wasn't that deep. It was just like, what should I do while I'm in la and, you know, where are you? Send me a picture. Like, just nothing really, like, deeper, of substance. And then the night I get back into town, you know, I pick him up and we go to dinner. And after dinner, we go have drinks. So I take him to this place that has burritos. And I was, like, teaching him about, like, LA burrito culture, which is like, you know, in other places, burritos are different sizes, right? But in la, you could get a burrito wet or dry, and, you know, that's like, part of the experience. Like, if you want a knife and fork situation, you want to, like, be primal and eat it with your hands. And so, you know, that I kind of just said, okay, like, I'm his tour guide. Like, this is just what's happening. But again, I'm being entertained. This is something to do. We go to drinks after dinner, and while we're at the bar, like, things are crowded, and he's, like, starting to graze me a little bit, and he, like, puts his hand on the small of my back while we're moving through the crowd. And I'm like, okay. Like, I don't know, he's warming up or whatever, and I didn't think anything was gonna happen. Like, after we have the drinks, I'm like, okay, well, like, I'm gonna go home now, you know? And he's like, great, where's home? I'll come. And I'm like, okay. Like, home is two blocks away. And he's like, great, let's go. At that point, I had a purple bong, and I pasted Bentley eyes on him, and I named him Grimace because I'm like, I need company. I live alone. So I'm like, you can meet my bong, Grimace. And he's like, yeah, I'd love to meet Grimace. So once we get to my place, I grabbed some drinks, and it was almost as if, like, as soon as I closed the door to my apartment, like, the awkwardness evaporated. And, like, we sat on the couch, and he's, like, relaxed, and, you know, he moved closer to me, and he's, like, putting his arms around me, and he, like, smelled my hair and was, like, complimenting my decor. And he points at Grimace. He's like, oh, this is Grimace. And I'm just like, where's this personality coming from? Because you've been, like, short this entire time. And I'm like, yeah, and I pick it up and I'm like showing it to him. Like, I'm an excited little 5 year old with my imaginary friend. He's like, awesome. He's like, light it up, let's go. And I'm like, okay, great. So light up. And like maybe two bong hits into the situation, we start like making out. And eventually, eventually we like clumsily make our way over to my bed and like everything that he didn't have in conversation, like, he made up for in physical chemistry because he was just like handsy and touchy and he couldn't stop kissing me. And then at one point we got to the edge of my bed and he like grabbed me by the shoulders and he's just like, just so you know, I like doing all the work and you are going to come, I promise. And then he like pushed me on my bed and like off we went. And I just, just was like, all right, like, I'm gonna just go with this. And you know, things were going. And I handed him a condom from my bedside table. He put it on sort of clumsily. And he was pretty well endowed. So like, watching him put on this regular sized condom was like watching an elephant try to put on skinny jeans. Like, it just looked like really cumbersome and like tight and he looked uncomfortable. And then he's like, hey, you know, like, I brought my own. They're in my jacket pocket that's hanging on your door. And like they're over there. And I didn't want to assume so like, I wanted to wait until like I knew so can I go get them? And I'm like, sure. So you know, he goes and gets them and he lives up to the promise of doing all of the work and he just is complimenting my body and how I smelled. And he was like, oh my gosh, like I love your thighs and like I love a meaty woman. And like night and day compared to like this awkward hike we went on. And like never in my life, like I'm a plus size woman and my ex husband and I like sex maybe lasted, I don't know, 10 minutes tops, right? Like I wasn't used to it being longer than that or there being more. And for such a long time in the end of our marriage, like we were having sex for the purpose of reproduction. So like, it also wasn't that sensual or interesting or magical or anything. And so like, just never in my life had a man like picked me up and like thrown me around everywhere. And like, I was just so surprised. And most of all, I was worried about my IKEA bed frame, because I'm like, this thing is fighting for its life. Like, I put it together with, like, Krazy Glue and an Allen wrench. Like, I don't know if it's gonna last, all this, like, throwing and things like that. But midway through, I also was like, I'm just gonna be myself. And, like, I lost complete control of the things I was saying. And so at one point, I was like, oh, my God. It's like, you're. You're fracking my vagina. Like, what is happening? And then that sent us both into hysterics. Cause then at that point, we just started, like, using, you know, just equal parts satire and language about, like, climate change and fracking and, like, hurricanes and earthquakes. And we were just, like, seeing all this stuff that, like, doesn't sound like dirty talk at all, but kind of is. And it's just kind of working for everybody. And he's like, oh, my God, I'm gonna thrash your coastline. And I'm like, yeah, you're ruining my whole ecosystem. And it was absurd, but the stamina on him was just unreal. Like, he. He'd finish, and then, like, maybe need five minutes to recover and a water break. And then he was, like, right back at it again. And I just, like, I couldn't keep up. But over the course of the night, he just would take the condoms and put them on the wrapper, the black and gold Magnum wrapper, and then turn them into this little flower, and then just have this line of little flower condoms all across my dresser. And in between the romps and the breaks, he started to open up to me about his family and his life in New York and his love of witchy things. And he told me he read Tarot and that he was a musician and that he was ocd. And so then I'm like, okay, that explains the little line of the flowers and how you're sort of going through this ritualistic thing. Anyway, we spent 18 hours together. And, you know, in the course of the 18 hours, he gave me, like, maybe 10 orgasms. Like, one after another. Like, just when I thought I was like, all right, I'm finally going to roll over, go to sleep. Like, he was like, nope, let's try it this way, and let's try it that way. And I swear, like, I thought to myself, like, this man is giving me every orgasm I never got in my marriage. And I'm also getting, like, retroactive orgasmic back pay for, like, all the women in my lineage, like, ancestrally, that ever had to fake it. And I had. I had no idea that my body was capable of that. And so then, like, by the end, he's like, how are you feeling? And I said, coffee? There's been a flood. Like, this is a disaster. And I'm thinking I'm never gonna see him again. So, you know, the next morning he leaves. And I spent like the next several hours just trying to nap and recover, but I felt lighter and like something had just, like, left me. That was heavy. And then I get a text message from him and he's like, hey, I had a really good time. I think it would be a crime not to do that again, you know, Can I see you one more time before I leave town? And so I said, sure. And then he replied and he's like, I hope you have flood insurance. And I said, great. Like, I hope you have earthquake insurance. Because we were sort of going back and forth in this, like, east coast, west coast rivalry of, like, what's easier to deal with a hurricane or an earthquake? And I said, yeah, but also, like, be prepared. Cause, like, earthquakes I think are worse. And he's like, no, no, he's like, you don't understand. Like, I'm gonna go. And he's Puerto Rican, and at this time, like, Hurricane Maria had just happened, so he's like, I'm gonna go Hurricane Maria on you. And he's like, I need you to understand. Like, my dick is like the Virgin Mary statue that say, standing after the storm, like, I'm gonna just let you have this all. And, you know, so he comes back and we do it again and it's equally fun again. And I feel like all the retroactive, you know, intergenerational orgasmic payback again. And this ends up turning into like a two year affair where we just fly back and forth, like, seeing each other in different cities, and we sort of would pick these Airbnbs and we would just kind of like, play house and pretend to be boyfriend and girlfriend for like, the weekend or the few days that we were visiting and have this, you know, amazing physical chemistry together. And at this point I would get these, like, really intense downloads of, like, stuff I needed to write down after things would happen sometimes during the stuff that was happening. And he'd be like, yeah, you can. You can type on your laptop and I'll keep going. Like, it doesn't bother me. And so I was just like, you know, fine. And we were just in this, like, fun, like, creative cohabitation and Then after we would be done, he would, you know, like, tell me about music he was working on, and he would read my tarot cards, and we would just have this, like, interesting, kind of awkward, but kind of fun time together. And I think I wasn't ready for something more serious when I'm still sort of figuring out, like, who am I? What is my life now, and what does that mean? But at least in this moment and with this person, I was able to really get all the grief I was holding out of me through, like, a creative outlet, but also through this, like, physical healing of sorts. And so, like, he really helped me grieve sort of what I had lost. He helped me kind of make peace with my body that I was angry at. And not because, like, he found me desirable, but because, like, I could feel what it's supposed to feel like to feel my own sense of being desirable. And looking back, I think it's proof that sometimes healing doesn't come from therapy or from having, like, a closure talk. Sometimes it's just like you're writing some stuff down in an Airbnb and your legs are still shaking and you're relaxed, but you're lighter. We'll be right back. Close your eyes. Exhale.
- [24:20]
B
Feel your body relax and let go.
- [24:23]
C
Of whatever you're carrying today. Well, I'm letting go of the worry that I wouldn't get my new contacts in time for this class. I got them delivered free from 1-800-contacts. Oh, my gosh, they're so fast. And breathe. Oh, sorry. I almost couldn't breathe when I saw the discount they gave me on my first order. Oh, sorry. Namaste. Visit 1-800-contacts.com today to save on your first order. 1-800-contacts.
- [24:48]
A
What's up, world? Is Von Miller, Super Bowl MVP, chicken farmer, and now host of Free Range. This is a show where I go off the field and off the script. We're talking what's hot in music, film, trending news, and everything blowing up your feet. If you love football, you'll feel at home. But if you're here for the vibes, the Internet deep dives, the conversation. This is your podcast. Join me every Wednesday. Follow and listen to Free Range with me, Vaughn Miller, everywhere. You get your podcast. This episode is brought to you by Netflix Global superstar and comedy sensation Kevin Hart returns for his fifth Netflix special, Acting my age.
- [25:26]
C
I'm not the same man that I used to be.
- [25:28]
A
I go down the stairs sideways.
- [25:29]
C
Go ahead. You in a rush?
- [25:31]
A
Go away with a fresh perspective on life, family and getting older.
- [25:35]
C
Older you get, the less you can have. Is this sesame seeds on that bun? Get it out of here.
- [25:39]
A
Kevin's bringing his signature high energy humor and physical comedy in a true return to his stand up origins. Watch Kevin Hart Acting My Age now streaming only on Netflix.
- [25:49]
C
Wayfair's big sale is returning. Get ready for way day for four days only. Score up to 80% off all things home with free shipping on everything from October 26th through 29th. Score Wayfair's best deals like up to 80% off area rugs, up to 60% off mattresses, up to 60% off bedroom furniture, and more exclusive doorbuster deals. So mark your Calendar and shop Wayday starting October 26th at Wayfair.com Wayfair Every style, every home. We're.
- [26:46]
A
This is Risk. This is Ran Raton behind me now and we just heard from Mira Rivera that story she shared in one of my online storytelling workshops, the recording coming to us straight from Zoom. She expressed amazement that she had gotten to a place of being able to share that one that way, and we're so grateful for her permission to allow us to run that story for all of us to hear on the episode today. Now here's what I'm thinking the timing could be for the next online storytelling workshop. It would start on the 14th of January. We'd meet for eight weeks doing Zoom sessions on Wednesday nights at 8:30pm Eastern Time. The sessions are two and a half hours with a ten minute break in the middle. For folks on the west coast. In the States that would be 5:30pm on Wednesdays. So it's probably most ideal for folks in the central or mountain time zones. Email me for more information at kevinrisk-show.com and maybe you can be in our next workshop. And remember, I also do one on one workshopping and coaching with people. I love working that way on stories also. So just reach out and I'll answer any of your questions at kevin@risk-show.com now what if you're thinking, well, I don't want to take a workshop, but I do want to be able to continue to listen to new episodes of Risk. Well, there's another way to get involved and to make sure that that remains possible by becoming a member@patreon.com risk we need your support more than ever before this year and we feel like what we do is more important than ever these days. Listen, you can also give a membership to our Patreon to someone as a gift if you go to patreon.com risk gift so they'll have access to all the bonus stories and the check ins and the ad free feed. If they don't like listening to ads and are some of our what's yous Story social events are going to start happening there too? I'll definitely be doing another check in about how things are going for me in Bangkok so far again, so you can become a member, you can buy a membership for someone else as a gift. You could increase the amount of your donation over there. Or if you want to make a one time donation that's at PayPal me riskshow. Next we're gonna hear from Rachel and Warren. Now Rachel first appeared on the podcast in 2018 and I remember saying, oh my gosh, we have to have her on again asap. Well, it's been too long, but it was worth the wait. You can find her at Rachel Ann Warren on Instagram. And here she is now with a story we call Stranded.
- [30:46]
B
He was standing across from me, putting his his things into his bag and getting ready to leave me for the millionth time. And I just happened to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I saw that my headband had scooted back like an inch at most. And without thinking or playing it cool like I'd always done to try to get him to stay, I just blurted out, it's because of my hair, isn't it? The reason you're leaving me is because of my hair. And he looked up at me with shock. Not because I was finally standing up to him, but because I was actually talking about my hair. My hair had been falling out for years at that point. It just wasn't something I ever wanted to confront. Looking back at pictures, I see I was probably 19 when the most of it fell out at once. I was a waitress and in college and going through a pretty major existential breakdown crisis and my hands were erupting in this horrible eczema and I was a waitress at a fancy restaurant. I was a singing waitress and I couldn't open nice bottles of wine with bloody hands. So I was dealing with the emergency. I wasn't thinking about my hair. I also wasn't thinking about why I was imploding. My whole life I had waited for this moment. I wrote in my journal and wrote on my walls and I said, when I turn 18, my life will finally be up to me. I can make the decisions, I can call the shots, and I won't have to be miserable anymore. Up until that point, it was just a series of losses. We Lost my father to mental illness and his violence and ultimately to jail. Followed by my brother, who was two years younger and suddenly got so sick and died basically in our arms, in our house. And then my sisters and my mom, and we lost each other to grief and sadness, and we never got back. So I went within myself in my journal, and I prayed that the day I turned 18, the day I graduated from high school, I could finally be free. And when life doesn't turn out that way, because it's not like that, you don't get freedom. And then it's beautiful, and sunsets and bunnies and hand holding. I felt crushed. So many hopes and dreams vanished. I had no sense of myself. So losing my hair or my hands erupting in eczema just wasn't that important. I was so outside of myself. And this began years of losing myself. I wound up with a guy who treated me like crap and called me a loser and told me how many beautiful young girls he could be with. I noticed my hair loss first a few years before I met him. I was singing in this cabaret punk band, and we'd done some basement shows, and I always wore blue jeans and a black tank top and no makeup, no frills, no fuss. And I sang soul. It was raw, and it was just emotions. And then we had our first big show, and there was a professional photographer, so I teased my hair into this big bouffant, and I used, like, a can of hairspray, and I put a little black eyeliner on. But when the photos were in the paper a few days later, I was mortified. I could see right through that mirage of little wispy Charlie Brown Christmas tree hair to my shiny, bald scalp. And I was mortified. I didn't want to talk to my bandmates about it. I didn't want to talk to anybody about it. I just wanted it to go away. And I thought, well, I can never sing on stage again. But then I thought, as I had done my whole life, I have a problem. How do I fix it? And I remembered there was this vintage shop, sort of a hole in the wall, in Mount Vernon on Charles Street. And the very next day, before they even opened, I was parked outside and waited for the girl to open the door. And I went straight in and made a beeline for this box I had seen once while I was trying something on by the changing room. There was this kind of crumpled cardboard box without a sign on it, no price tag, and inside were all these beautiful, colorful drag queen wigs. And I Picked out this baby blue bob. I didn't even try it on. I just paid for it, no explanation. Took it home and privately, quietly put it on. And I felt like myself, but better. I knew instantly that this was going to be me. So for the next couple shows, I wore this blue bob wig with my plain clothes. And I started adding a little more makeup. And then I realized the wig doesn't quite make sense without the outfit. So I started thrifting and I found these gowns, and I started tearing them apart and putting them back together with dungeons, duct tape and hand sewing and a thousand buttons and rhinestones and LED lights and garbage bags, whatever it took to create this distraction, this Persona. And my bandmates joined in. And that's what I became known for. Every article, every post was about the costumes and the cabaret. But I still had to live my life. I still had to go to the dentist in the grocery store and have a job, and I couldn't do that in the day. So after every show, I'd come home and I'd undress, take my wig off, take the makeup off, the lashes, and I'd be left with myself. A self that I couldn't bear to look at. And to cope with that, I drank. Fortunately, I had a job that made everything better. I worked for a brewery. And two things. The first is I worked with all raging alcoholic men, so my drinking paled in comparison to anything they had going on. And the second was with the brewery. It's casual enough. I could wear a hat to anything and everything. One day, we had a team building exercise at Camden Yards, and everyone had come from all over the country, and we were hosting it here in Baltimore. And it was on the field with the players. It wasn't a game, but they had all the lights on, and it was during the day. And I just. Not in a million years would I have expected them to play the Star Spangled Banner. But as soon as I heard the note, everyone's hats came off. And I panicked. There was no way I could take my hat off in front of these people. So I looked for an open door from the field, and I bolted. I remember passing the locker rooms and the offices. A janitor. And I just kept running and running and running until I couldn't run anymore. And it seemed like enough time had passed for the song to be over. But I hadn't thought about what I would do next. How could I possibly re. Enter the field and explain myself? So I prayed no one would ask. I got some looks, but they didn't ask. And I started noticing in life, that was the thing. I date guys, they would look, but they wouldn't ask. Or maybe they'd talk about it to somebody else who would talk about it to me. Eventually, around this time, I started singing for money. And I got in with this band that played for the wealthiest of the wealthy within the Tri State area. We played at the nicest places. I certainly couldn't wear a hat, but I also couldn't wear a costume wig. So I found myself using a whole can of colored hairspray, a fake bun, a headband. And still I remember one bandmate, anytime he talked to me, he would look straight at the top of my head and I felt about 2 inches of tall. And so to get through all this, I would drink and drink and drink and come morning, I would panic, drink and panic and drink and panic until I couldn't even leave my house to go to the grocery store. I remember getting stuck at a red light for two seconds and feeling like I was going to explode or implode or a spaceship was going to come down and scoop me up. I felt so outside of myself. So I knew that day that if I couldn't go buy cat food, something had to change, something had to give. So that night I decided no more drinking. And I hadn't meant to, but apparently that also meant that I would confront myself. Because I sat at home and almost as an order of business that was unknown to to myself, I took my hat off in front of a mirror in my artist loft on the fifth floor in broad daylight. And I sat with myself. And I had to decide that I was worth it. Worth what? I don't know. But I had to be worth something. And I knew that my hair wasn't going to change, it wasn't going to get better. But I had to get past this thing that was eating me alive. So I started looking around me and I saw these costume wigs. And they're big and colorful and fun, but they're not natural. But I can sew. So I started taking my seam ripper and I started taking little bits out here and there, making them thinner and smaller and trying them on my head. And I butchered them so bad I looked like a broken doll that a dog got a hold of. And I thought, I just have to break it down more. And if I can get down to the very pieces, the very pieces that put it together, I saw on the floor wefts of hair, and I saw threads and I saw elastic. And then I picked up just a hair. And it was this tiny little thing that had caused me so much grief. And I thought if I could just. If I could just put this one thing back where it belongs, then I wouldn't have to worry so much and feel so alone. So I got on Google and YouTube and Instagram, and my whole life had been about, how can I make this work? How can I make this happen? And I started researching, and I found something called a wig maker. And I knew immediately that that's what I want to be. That's what I'm going to be. During all this time in research and playing around with everything, I was also embarking on dating for the first time as a sober person. And I met this guy who broke all my rules. He lived an hour from Baltimore in the mountains, and. And he had two sons, and he lived in this suburban place with a man made lake and cookie cutter houses. And he had this normal life and this normal job, and I gave it a shot. Anyway, on our second or third date, we took his pity Mabel out for a walk, and I put a little pink tutu on her, and I was just so happy. And he suddenly reached up for me, for my head. And I remember jolting back as though he were, like, coming to attack me. And I felt like I needed to protect myself. But he said, you, headband moved back. Do you want me to fix it? I. Oh. I was embarrassed and mortified. But I also felt like he could see me. And despite all that, he still cared about me. And so this wig making that had become my new secret, that I had been drinking, it became wig making was suddenly something I could share. I learned as much as I could online. And then I asked around. And through the brewery job, a bartender knew. A bartender knew. A person knew Michael, this German guy who's a master wig maker, and he's from Germany, but he lived in Nashville, and he said, sure. So every Sunday, we'd meet for a couple hours, and he'd teach me how to tie the knot, how to make the wig. And during the week between gigs, I'd spend 10 to 50 hours working on wigs, building a wig, one hair at a time, one piece at a time. The whole while thinking about everything I had lost and how I was finally putting it back together. And it wasn't some imaginary thing. I was looking at it. I was building something for myself. And I knew even before I finished that first piece that I would be able to help other people. Before long, I was making wigs for theaters and films in the area and women. I helped a local wig shop doing repairs and consultations. And eventually, four years ago, I opened my own wig shop. And over these years, I've helped hundreds, thousands of people of all ages, all stages of life. Some are at the very beginning, and some are at the very end. One woman came to me and she said, I need a wig for my funeral. And I laughed, and I had no idea what she was talking about. But she said, I'm dying. I'm going to die soon. And I've always had this beautiful, fluffy white hair. I've been impressed. Parades, people know me for this hair. But my grandkids said, grandma, please do one round of chemo. And it took my hair, and now I'm yellowish green. I have no hair, and I look like the Wicked Witch of the West. And she didn't want to leave her house anymore, but everything we tried on was so big and clownish and thick, and she was so tiny. And so I said, I can do this. I can help you. And I pulled all nighters, making her this wig and knotting the little white hairs into this almost invisible lace. When she came in to try it on, she got really close to the mirror, and she poked her head and she said, I have my hair back. And her granddaughter told me that instead of hiding out and refusing to see anyone, she spent the last few months of her life with friends and family, and she got her funeral hair. So when someone comes to see me, I don't pretend that they don't have a problem. I don't pretend that it's no big deal. I didn't notice. I tell them, I see your problem. I have the same problem. I've worked really hard to figure out how to fix it. And I want to help you.
- [47:22]
A
Sa. This is Risk. Now, before I say anything else, I want to remind you to go to risk-show.com live to get your tickets to our live show at Caveat in New York City on December 11th. Because nothing compares to seeing Risk live, to being there in the room. And we just heard from Rachel Ann Warren. Now, Rachel wrote to us to say this. Thank you to Hope, John, David, and Kevin for putting this together. It is a therapeutic and creative exercise. And I know from the last story I told on the show, these stories can really help people feel less alone, this storyteller included. Thank you so much, Rachel. So this is the third time this week that I'm grateful that someone has come down the pike in our community to share a story about a subject of matter I'D never heard anyone share about before. The first two instances were in my last online storytelling workshop session from this past weekend. It's always confusing when you're hearing this. Anyway, now there's this story from Rachel and I'm so honored that after doing this show for 16 years, we're over 16 years now, we still have people coming to us to share about intimate or sensitive issues in their lives that we've yet to hear anyone share about on the show or in our workshop. So far, it's truly something special, and I am sure that Rachel's story will help some people out there feel less alone. Be sure and look up Rachel's wig company on Instagram @FrederickWig Co. And folks, if you don't follow me on Instagram or TikTok, please do. I'm doing more updates about how I'm doing in Bangkok now. You know, little video updates. And for all of that stuff, I at the Kevin Allison I took the biggest risk of my life by moving to Thailand, and now I'm considering taking another big risk. And I'll probably be talking about some of that on social media and on our Patreon. So stay tuned. And folks, today's the day you take a risk. Sa.