RISK! Podcast Episode Summary
Episode: Pretending to Be Human
Host: Taj Easton (filling in for Kevin Allison)
Guest: Inky Montane
Date: November 12, 2025
Main Theme / Purpose
In this deeply personal and raw edition of RISK!, Taj Easton is joined in conversation by his housemate and close friend, Inky Montane. Together, they explore Inky’s lifelong journey of feeling like an outsider, his later-in-life autism spectrum disorder (ASD) diagnosis, and how these revelations colored his understanding of his own experiences, relationships, and creativity.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Early Feelings of Alienation & The Superman Metaphor
- Inky’s earliest memories are dominated by a sense of being fundamentally “alien.”
- As a child, Inky gravitated to Superman—not for the superpowers, but because Superman was a humanoid pretending to be human.
- Quote:
"I don't know how my parents got me. I'm secretly from somewhere else. And Superman had the fortune of having a crystal with a recording from his father that told him what happened and what he was doing there. And I didn't have that message from anybody." (Inky, 04:07)
- A traumatizing childhood incident at a costume contest highlights his social confusion.
- Inky wins for his Superman costume, but misunderstands the social script, handing his trophy to a pageant queen and feeling exposed and humiliated.
- Quote:
"I'm not a fucking human being. Apparently this is where I'm getting found out." (Inky, 07:00)
2. Literal Thinking, Social Rules, and Family Dynamics
- He recounts being too literal as a child, leading to comedic and dangerous situations.
- Story: The house beanbag catches fire, but he follows his mother's rule not to interrupt her on the phone—so he acts out charades instead of telling her.
- Quote:
"I will obey the rules." (Inky, 13:18)
- Dealing with double binds and conflicting social expectations.
- Later, this extends to difficulty reconciling loyalty to different people or conflicting instructions.
3. Persistent Fear of Not Belonging & Hypervigilance
- Living in fear that his difference would lead to violence or rejection.
- Felt that if people ever knew “how not human” he was, "they would be compelled to murder me instantly." (Inky, 14:44)
- Even parents seemed “in on it” and tried to prepare others for his differences.
4. Social Isolation, Imagination, and Artistic Expression
- Schools and social settings were sites of discomfort.
- Prefers isolation or drawing over participating in playground games.
- Felt most at home in imaginative play and fluid roles, especially at home with his autistic sister.
- Struggles with rigid gender expectations and language in school.
- Early exposure to gender and language policing felt random and punishing.
5. Adolescence: Rebellion, Identity, and Subculture
- Embracing punk style and philosophy as a reaction to alienation.
- Creates DIY punk clothes, connects with like-minded misfits, but is also targeted for bullying.
- Parental responses shift from concern for his safety to concern for appearances.
- Quote:
"Huge parts of me more than anything else just wanted to be a crazy looking punk chick." (Inky, 25:58)
6. Navigating Higher Education With “Invisible” Disability
- Struggles academically (especially with math) despite proficiency elsewhere.
- Undergoes multiple, sometimes bizarre attempts at diagnosis—from dyslexia screenings to being labeled “schizophrenic.”
- Quote:
"They didn't want it to be any kind of learning disability, dyslexia or whatever, going like, no, you're just crazy. We don't have to accommodate that." (Inky, 30:49)
7. Late Discovery of ASD / Asperger's
- Researching Glenn Gould (the eccentric pianist) leads to seeing himself in descriptions of Asperger's.
- The realization is physically and emotionally overwhelming—equal parts terror and relief.
- Quote:
"There was this feeling that had started happening. And it started in my feet ... until it went all the way up into my skull... this burning... wildly exposed." (Inky, 37:51)
- Stigma and stereotypes around autism are a challenge.
- Assumes autism means "Rain Man" or "short bus" archetypes from childhood taunts.
8. Coming Out About ASD and the Aftermath
- Inky describes telling his wife about his self-diagnosis with trepidation, worried she might leave.
- She is nonplussed—in fact, barely seems to register it—bringing huge relief.
- Integration of diagnosis is gradual.
- Not instant comfort, but a growing sense of self-acceptance.
- Begins to understand his sensory sensitivities, rituals, and needs as features—not flaws.
9. Official Diagnosis and Reflections on Mental Health
- Pursues an official diagnosis, partly to avoid jury duty and as a symbolic act of self-advocacy.
- Is surprised to be told he has 'severe anxiety' and 'mild depression,' as these were not salient to him.
- Living with chronic tension and sensitivity, but also capacity for profound beauty and connection.
- Quote:
"How could I have that much anxiety when ... so much of the time is just utterly fucking magical? ... It still doesn’t make sense to me." (Inky, 50:15)
- Quote:
10. After a Year of Profound Loss
- The episode gestures to Inky’s recent devastating losses—wife, pets, home, friends—but focuses on his ongoing resilience and creativity.
- Quote:
"Yes. I got to the back door of heaven by way of hell." (Inky, 52:42)
- Quote:
11. Radical Sensitivity and Acceptance
- Taj expresses admiration for Inky’s emotional range, openness, and inspiration.
- Quote:
“It feels like this kind of aspirational level of care that I want to believe in ... You're an inspiration to me in regards to your depth of feeling.” (Taj, 53:23)
- Quote:
- Inky reflects on the dangers and liberation of emotional openness.
- Quote:
"At a certain point, the only point where things truly feel safe is when you're completely abandoned to the infinite." (Inky, 55:11)
- Quote:
12. Neurodiversity and Friendship
- Both discuss the gifts and challenges of “different brains” and how diagnosis (ADHD, in Taj’s case) brought acceptance.
- Insightful moment around the meaning of diagnosis:
- Quote:
"Diagnosis is so strange. Because it's just essentially ... just words. They're just tags that are attached to something ... But they're fragments of mirror." (Inky, 57:10, 57:40)
- Quote:
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- On alienation:
"I was just so out of my depths. I have no idea what's going on. I'm not a fucking human being. Apparently this is where I'm getting found out." (Inky, 07:00) - On following rules:
"I will obey the rules." (Inky, 13:18) - On masking and safety:
"There was just this lingering feeling if they ever really got any idea how not human I am, they would be compelled to murder me instantly." (Inky, 14:44) - On creative affinity:
"Let's make up characters and let's be all the characters ... That was what I really like. Those, those were games that were not games to me. It was, it, it was pretty wild." (Inky, 18:43) - On punk as lifeline:
"Whatever that is [punk], that's what I am." (Inky, 23:03) - On diagnosis:
"There was this feeling ... everything felt hot. I just felt this burning, and I just felt wildly exposed. This feeling of a very strange kind of humiliation ... and it was accompanied with this feeling of just utter terror, this terror of recognition." (Inky, 37:51) - On emotional coexistence:
"This level of extreme tension that apparently is unimaginable to most people, coexisting with what is just being immersed in just ineffable beauty and that it's all the same thing." (Inky, 51:10) - On empathy:
"It's possible that people can care about each other that much. I want to be able to feel things more." (Taj, 53:23) - On the nature of diagnosis:
"They're just words. They're just tags ... But they're fragments of mirror." (Inky, 57:40) - On liberation:
"At a certain point, the only point where things truly feel safe is when you're completely abandoned to the infinite." (Inky, 55:11)
Important Timestamps
- 03:50 – Inky’s “alien” childhood and Superman metaphor
- 07:00 – Trophy mishap, feeling exposed as “not human”
- 10:37 – Literal thinking and the beanbag fire incident
- 14:44 – Deep fear of being “discovered” as alien/different
- 18:43 – Drawing, imaginative play as preferred modes
- 23:03 – Embracing punk identity
- 29:06 – College struggles and Kafkaesque diagnostics
- 37:51 – Revelation and physical reaction to learning about Asperger’s
- 45:52 – The aftermath: self-acceptance and what diagnosis changed
- 47:48 – Pursuing official diagnosis (with some comic relief)
- 52:42 – "Back door of heaven by way of hell"—recent turmoil
- 53:23 – Taj on inspiration: “aspirational level of care”
- 55:11 – Safety and transcendence: “abandoned to the infinite”
- 57:40 – "Fragments of mirror" metaphor for diagnosis
Tone
- The conversation is candid, irreverent, self-deprecating, and at times, profound. Inky’s vivid storytelling is laced with humor, vulnerability, and a willingness to confront pain and paradox. Taj is an empathetic listener, often marveling at Inky’s openness and his capacity for intensity and bliss. The language is casual and occasionally coarse, matching the show’s ethos of “stories you never thought you’d dare to share in public.”
Summary for New Listeners
This episode is for anyone who’s struggled with not fitting in, who’s found solace in subcultures or art, or who’s wondered what it means to discover your own neurodivergence late in life. Inky Montane’s story is a celebration of weirdness, resilience, and the beauty (and pain) of feeling things deeply. There is no easy resolution, but there’s hard-won acceptance, inspiration, and some great punchlines along the way.