Hana Nobel (1:58)

Every style, every home.

Taj Easton (2:34)

Welcome.

Hana Nobel (2:35)

Hi. Do you have a reservation?

Nikki Bailey (2:38)

Yeah, we're at the McDonald's.

Taj Easton (2:40)

Have you tried the lamb here? Hey everybody, this is Risk, the restaurant where people have sex. I'm Tal Gistin and I'll be your maitre d this evening. The menu will be chef's choice. We are presenting you with two varied and delectable entrees which should satiate your effort, food cravings and desires. Our first entree is prepared by guest chef Nikki Bailey. It is a hearty and filling lo mein crafted with love as a reminder to Enjoy your food and let the eating of it be a celebration of the body. I present to you this most delicious dish which we call that's Not Sexy Baby.

Nikki Bailey (3:55)

I had just finished what was probably the best meal I'd had that week. I mean, it was Tuesday, so it was the best meal I'd had so far. I tucked into an entire feast from Ollie's Chinese Food Diner right across the street from the Columbia University campus. It was greasy and noodly and chock full of cruciferous vegetables and mystery meats. I was sitting on my dorm room bed feeling fat and happy and satisfied. I was deep into a binge watch of my favorite British comedy, the Vicar of Dibley. I was on my 12th or 13th episode, the one where Geraldine finally gets married when I got a text from Mr. Big. I called him Mr. Big like Carrie from Sex and the City called her man Mr. Big because he had an enormous head and torso poised on top of two stubby little legs. He had the body of Fred Flintstone and the face of Q Tip from Tribe Called Quest. Actually, I gave him the name Mr. Big because he treated me the way Mr. Big treated Carrie. He'd call me when he wanted something, namely sex. He never showed any interest in having a long term relationship except when to do so would get him what he wanted. I knew that's what was happening, but my self esteem was low enough not to care. So I wasn't at all surprised to get a text from him asking you up, you the capital U up question mark. I rolled my eyes because I couldn't believe he'd actually sent that exact text while I was in fact up. I wasn't sure if I was up for, you know, doing stuff like sex stuff. I mean, I was really full. I'm remembering now that my brother used to complain whenever we ordered Chinese food he'd say, Nicky always blows up the bathroom after lo mein. But at the time I didn't remember that. So I went ahead and responded with a thumbs up emoji, essentially inviting Mr. Big over. He said he'd be there in an hour. I did all the necessary preparations and when the time came, buzzed Mr. Big up to my room. He was dressed for the occasion. I could tell that he went to great lengths to look good when he saw me because he was wearing his gray sweatpants, the ones that were not covered in paint. He was a painter and always walked around covered in paint as if to.

Hana Nobel (6:15)

Signal artist, artist, art.

Nikki Bailey (6:22)

The T shirt he wore didn't have food stains on it and was Actually clean. I felt so honored, and I thought in a haze of low expectations, he's trying. I had leftovers from dinner, but I didn't offer them to him. I had planned for those leftovers tomorrow. I was going to binge watch Friends and supplement the rest of the meal with microwave nachos. I didn't want to share my grub, so I offered him a glass of water. He accepted. He took a couple sips, looked around my room, and, full of charm and romance, said, so, do you want to fuck? There was no point in pretending we were going to do anything else, so I said, sure. We started kissing. One thing led to another, and we did the deed. It was never anything better than just fine with him. And at that time in my life, fine was good enough. He had this annoying habit of telling me that he loved my body. He'd whisper it in my ear. When the goody got good to him. He'd lean in close and say, I love your body. And every time, every freaking time I heard him say, I love you. I would think, he's finally going to say it. He's going to tell me that he loves me. But he never did. Loving my body was as close to loving me as he would get. We fucked. The kind of fucking that feels good but doesn't necessarily get you there. He was a master of the stroke, but always stopped short of stroking me to orgasm. We were laying in the dark, so I guess it was easy to get personal and intimate and disclose vulnerable information. He did that from time to time. He'd be distant for weeks and then show up, fuck me, and tell me something deep about himself. Something that made me feel privileged and lucky to know. The kind of information you only tell a girlfriend or someone that you really love. Like how he'd cry every time he watched west side Story. Or like the time he told me he'd been beaten bloody in a fight defending a woman he was dating. It made me feel like maybe he'd defend me, too. I thought it meant I was special to him because he would confide these things in those moments of sacred soul connection when pillow talk intensified the intimacy that we shared. It was around this time that the Chinese food that I hadn't really had enough time to digest began to churn in my tummy. The Chinese food that I had so enjoyed wanted to join our oh so intimate tete a tete. I shifted position. I thought surely my stomach would settle. She'd realized that this is not the right moment to start to gurgle loudly so we're laying there in the afterglow of adequate sex and he starts telling me about this conversation he'd had with his dad before his father died. He confided in his father that he had a dream of being a film director and his father thought he couldn't do it. Thought he was untalented and incapable. And Mr. Digg told me how much that had hurt his feelings. He'd internalized that feeling, making it hard for him to overcome the things that his father had said. That and of course the white man keeping him down. Or why he was still an unknown artist and underpaid cater waiter. He told me this story about his dad and I didn't have anything to say. So we just laid there quietly. At some point, I thought he cried. I just. I don't know. I felt for him. Gurgle, burble, churn. My tummy was rumbling its unwanted opinion again. I shifted, hoping that another change of position would alleviate the growing pressure in my now bloated belly. We lay in companionable silence, me hoping that he couldn't hear the riotous uproar of my dinner sloshing about. After a long, peaceful while, when I was sure that my tummy had chilled the fuck out, I opened up to him too. I told him about my mother and how she'd never wanted me to pursue acting. How she forbade me from even auditioning for Performing Arts High and wouldn't let me major in theater in college. I told him of my Oscar worthy dreams and my MFA hopes. He was so supportive. He told me that I needed to try. He said that he thought I was talented. He told me that I could get an MFA if that's what I really wanted. He said he believed in my abilities. He believed in my talent. He believed in me. I felt so seen he had that ability. Sure, he would disappear for months, but when he did come around, he made me feel good about myself. He paid attention to me. He confided in me. He saw things in me that I sometimes had a hard time seeing in myself. And at the very least, he loved my body. And for a fat woman in America, having someone say they love my body was a buoy for my constantly sinking self esteem groan.

Taj Easton (11:17)

Oh no.

Nikki Bailey (11:20)

My stomach was starting again. It roiled and rolled and threatened, but I thought I could stave it off. He almost never spent the entire night with me. Tonight I was counting on his early departure. I figured he'd lay around and chat with me for a few hours and then leave like he always did. But we talked and talked into the night, and the longer we talked, the more my Chinese food wanted in on the conversation. My belly was beginning to interject. She was being quite rude about it, too. She'd agitate and belly ache and turn and squish around. And when I laughed, it was beginning to take effort not to let air. Either he didn't notice or he pretended not to, but my tummy was making some pretty interesting noises. It was becoming clear that he was planning to spend the night. Would this be the night he finally professed his love? We'd been lying there for hours at this point, sharing secrets over gentle caresses and sensuous kisses. I'd have been content to lay there in his arms all weekend, hoping he'd love me body and soul if I could. Except I really, really, really had to fart. Like, really, really, really bad. I had been holding it in for hours now, and the commentary for my Chinese food, revolting in my stomach, was getting louder and more aggressive the longer we laid there. At some point I just knew I had to release. The inner tummy tension had built to a giant gas bubble and I knew I had to let it go. I had to rip one, cut the cheese, break, wind, fucking fart. My goal was to just release a little bit. Like when you first unscrew a bottle of soda. You let a little of the fizz escape so the soda doesn't overflow. I thought it would be a quiet, delicate thing, a quick little emission. I anticipated a cute quiet that he wouldn't even notice. But instead of a cute, quick, airy discharge, what came out was long and rumbling and so, so stinky. And it sounded wet. It sounded like a death metal song, screamy and screechy and weirdly melodious in its noisiness and power. It rumbled out of me, stirring the covers as it rushed to release. And I, well, laughed. In fact, I could not stop laughing. It was the funniest thing I had ever heard or done or experienced in my entire life.

Hana Nobel (14:23)

I find farts hilarious.

Nikki Bailey (14:25)

And this one was so good, so profound, so intense, I thought he would laugh along with me. I thought everyone thinks farts are funny and that he would find it funny, too. But he didn't. No. Instead, he clamped his arms down tight over the covers to make sure that the farty air didn't leak up into his face. He went rigid, gritted his teeth and growled, that's not sexy, baby. Which honestly, just made me laugh harder, Which just made me fart more.

Hana Nobel (15:09)

Which made me laugh harder, which made Me fart more.

Nikki Bailey (15:12)

You see where this is going? I thought he was going to spend the night, but that was enough to scare him from my bed and I was okay with it. A man who doesn't laugh at a fart is not a good man.

Hana Nobel (15:33)

To me.

Nikki Bailey (15:34)

If you can't release wind with your partner, well, it's not a real relationship. And that was the day I realized that Mr. Big would always be Mr. Big. He'd never become real to me. He'd never become a person with a first name. He'd always be a mysterious character who came in and out of my life to fuck me and feed me his vulnerabilities. I never saw him again after that. The fart was a foot too far. I still love Chinese food. I order it whenever I get the chance and it still makes me blow up. The bathroom farts keep on farting into the future. And I'm happy to say that I share those farts with a wonderful and positive spouse who loves all of me. Not just my body, but also my mind, heart and soul. She supports my art and my farts and finds flatulence as funny as I do. I celebrate her burps and she glorifies my gas. We're a match made in digestive heaven.

Vesta Victoria (16:51)

Girls, you keep singles that's if you were wise. Men are the spiders and you are the flies. If you knew as much about men as I know you wouldn't run after and pamper them so when you're so young the steady speech you can't see. Wait till you found out the bounders like me they are pretty objects to serve and obey. When you grow older, you see things my way. Excuse me, but I can't help using this term where woman's concerned. Why a man is a worm girl. They are thinking too much of the men. If you knew what I know about men, you'd look before you leave. Men are all right when they're fast to play. Oh, I've had some so I ought to know if you can't see through them again. It's something that's stuck in a ten dollar suit. That's a man, man, man.

Taj Easton (18:05)

At ikea, your dreams can come true. Well, maybe not the ones where you're being chased by a monster. We're talking about kitchen drinks. And there are IKEA products and solutions for all of them. Whether it's a whole new kitchen, a statement glassware set, or just new cutlery. If you got big dreams or small dreams and any size of budget, IKEA can help you Bring them to Life. Visit IKEA US DreamKitchen to learn more. Dream the possibilities.

Nikki Bailey (18:31)

What's up? It's Draymond Green. I'm back for my 14th NBA season and my podcast, the Draymond Green show is back too. This season I'm breaking down games, reacting to the biggest NBA stories and sitting down with teammates, rivals and culture shapers. And trust me, I'm not holding back on the court or on the mic. Two new episodes every week. New segments, big conversations, real basketball talk for the real hoop heads. Listen to and follow the Draymond Green show wherever you get your podcast. We're back. We're better.

Hana Nobel (18:59)

Let's get it.

Nikki Bailey (19:01)

WIX is the website builder that just keeps on giving. It's giving.

Hana Nobel (19:05)

I just built my whole site in under an hour.

Nikki Bailey (19:08)

It's giving. I actually made that. Whoa. It's giving.

Hana Nobel (19:11)

Our sales are through the roof.

Nikki Bailey (19:14)

So whether you need help expressing yourself or just need something to make your life easier, WIX has you covered. Try it out@wix.com we're back.

Taj Easton (19:44)

This is Risk. The damn shtick is done. I'm not doing that anymore. I'm back to being regular person. We just heard from Nikki Bailey who obviously is fantastic. She's a writer, comedian and actor. She does stand up shows in LA and she writes like a fucking maniac. You can find Nikki Bailey online, ickybailey on social media, Instagram, TikTok, bluesky and you could also go to nikkibaileycomedy.com this story was recorded at a so say we all show. So say we all is a literary and performing arts nonprofit. They are really fantastic. They were good enough to share a number of stories with us recently. Very clearly an exceptional outfit. You can check out their YouTube channel at SoSaywealOnline. Exceptional.

Hana Nobel (20:40)

Absolutely amazing. Hot damn.

Taj Easton (20:42)

Thank you Nikki and thank you so say We All. After that you heard that fabulous old timey song by a gal named Vesta Victoria, who has been dead for 70 years but was clearly a visionary, way ahead of her time trying to warn people that men are indeed trash. I wish more people would have got that message and responded by doing better. But here we are. You can support us financially@patreon.com risk which is deeply, deeply appreciated. You know another thing you could do is give the Gift of Risk. This holiday season. You could give the gift of a Patreon membership for the show, countless hours of bonus content and features + ad free episodes. Go to patreon.com risk gift. You could really cheer up somebody some Beloved friend or family member or I mean, co worker. But you want to be careful. If you go that route, HR could get brought in. So we actually have a testimonial from someone who received a Risk Patreon membership as a gift last Christmas. It has transformed their life over the past year. Let's have a listen.

Nikki Bailey (22:09)

I was a vile, unfeeling monster, but receiving the gift of risk made me more understanding.

Taj Easton (22:17)

That was Morlock telling us about his appreciation. Thanks, Morlock. All right, second course for the evening to half heartedly return to this whole gag with the restaurant in Schlick. Second course, this story whips guest chef Hannah Nobel. Here we have Curry Coinas.

Hana Nobel (22:54)

I had been dating Kevin for about three months when I lost a really important friend of mine to brain cancer. Levi, my friend, he was a big community leader. He founded adult summer camps, which, yes, are a thing. Everyone's just a little bit taller, but you do the same activities. He introduced me to hundreds of friends right after I moved to California. And what started as a headache ended up being a brain tumor. And he died within a year and he died at 32. And it was really harrowing to watch this community band together, but we were all worried that this would be the end of this really important community. And it was the biggest funeral I had ever been to. And I had just moved to LA where I had a much smaller community. And I went back up for Levi's funeral and I sat shiva for an entire week. And if you don't know what shiva is, it's a Jewish week of mourning. Think the intensity of a funeral times seven, because it's seven days and you sit with the family and, and you grieve and you also eat a fuck ton of deli meat. It's really intense for your digestive system and for your psyche. And so I had been doing this for a week and I was just so tired of being sad and I just wanted to be held and I wanted to have a really fun night after this. So I flew right back from San Francisco and went right to Kevin's house. Now, I mentioned we were newly dating. He had spotted me on an airplane and thought I was cute. We ended up working an event together and we were still casually dating when this happened. And I came back to his apartment and I was like, okay, we're still at the point where I'm the cool, sexy girl. We are still peeing with the door closed. We haven't farted in front of each other yet. We're still at the fun stage. You know that relationship where it's still hot and sexy? You're still doing reverse cowgirl and pretending you like it? And just me. And I showed up and I'm like, okay, this is gonna be a really fun night no matter what. I'm not gonna bring my negative energy to his apartment. And I show up and he's like, let's go to dinner. And I'm like, I can't. I already failed. And I said, can we just order in? And he got the vibe that I was a little sad, even though I was trying to fake it. And he said, totally. We can order in. What do you want? If you've ever been in a relationship, this is the worst part of being in a relationship. It's not heartbreak. It's not, they might cheat on you. It's deciding what to eat for dinner. And I just did not have the bandwidth. And I said, just. Just order something. And I went and laid down on the couch. Now, I had already failed twice at being the cool chill girl. And I decided I was going to find a way to change this night up and it'd be really fun. Now, my therapist would tell you, as she's told me, that I have a tendency to pour from an empty cup. And that means you give too much even when you have nothing to give. And this was a time I did exactly that. I was like, I don't have anything, but I'm going to make this night awesome and sexy. Now, I've been flying a lot lately. And if you've ever been on an airplane, you know you can see every episode of Modern Family somehow. And you can also see the Sex and the City movie. If you've never seen it, that is Okay. I don't think any of them are here, so I can say that. But here's what you need to know about my viewing of the Sex and the City movie. The thing I was struck most by is that sex positive Samantha, perhaps the most sex positive of the bunch, gets naked and covers her body with sushi for her boyfriend on Valentine's Day. And I thought, this is exactly what this night needs to change the mood. So I didn't tell Kevin my plane while he ordered dinner. Dinner came, and I found out that Kevin had ordered Indian food. Nevertheless, I persisted. I laid a towel down on this futon. It was, like, still a bachelor pad. I would fix that later. But I laid a towel down on the futon. I took my clothes off and I said, eat this curry off of me. And he said, what, you thought he Misheard me. He didn't. I said, you're gonna eat this curry off of my body. It's gonna be so fun. It's gonna be so hot. We're gonna have an amazing night. It's gonna be awesome. And I think clearly I was still in the denial stage of grief, but I think he was too afraid of me to say no. So Kevin took his shirt off and he started spooning curry onto my body. Now, there is a reason why Samantha picked sushi. It is neatly wrapped, it is cold, it is compact. Gravity doesn't really affect it. The differences with curry, Newton's laws of motions go into motion. And curry was pouring into rivers and estuaries down my body. And I was twisting and I was turning to make sure that curry did not go into my vagina because I had enough going on at the moment. I just could not go to urgent care for this. And if Carrie Bradshaw was narrating this, she might say. And as I poured from my empty cup, Kevin poured from a literal bowl of curry onto my body. And I wondered, what stage of grief is this? And he was kind of doing a whack a mole situation where he tried to grab everything as it poured. And it. Was it sexy? No. But was it fun? Yeah. And it did exactly what it needed to do. It shifted the mood, and we started laughing, and basmati rice jumped up and down on my body. I was less worried about that getting into my vagina, but it did. It didn't. Is it true? And afterwards we went to shower, which was also not a sexy shower, because nobody wants to have sex with someone who currently has tikka masala in their belly buttons. But it was a moment that shifted the mood and I was exhausted and we had no sexy time. I passed out and everything was good. And we were resetting until a couple days later when I found a rash on my stomach. And I was like, hmm, it's either the temperature or the spices maybe, or just like a coincidence. And I lived in a house at the time with seven roommates in Santa Monica. This big house with a ball pit. It was a really fun place to be. Some of you have been there. And everyone except me in the house was polyamorous. It was a very sex positive house. So I was showing everybody my rash. I was like, look at this thing. I got it from curry coitus. Everybody said what? I was like, it's so fun. Everyone's like, okay, totally. I mean, they were sex positive, but everyone has their limits, you know? And the rash kept getting Worse, I was like making everyone look at it and touch it. And finally someone who was visiting said, I think that's a ringworm. And I was like, I do not have a worm in me. And they said, that is not what ringworm is. And I said, okay. So I went to the doctor. I was not on WebMD because I'm too spirally, if you can believe it. And the doctor confirmed I had ringworm and said, have you been around any animals lately? And she confirmed it was not from the curry. I had to tell everyone. I don't know if she told anyone, but I did tell them Kevin and I were not exclusive yet. We were still in the fun, cool, casual stage as I mentioned. And the night after curry, I got on a date with a guy and he had a dog who I cuddled. He was so boring, but the dog was so awesome. And the dog gave me ringworm. So I had to go back and tell everybody that maybe don't mention the curry sex to anyone, guys, but that's not from that. And you might have ringworm because you touched my stomach. I made everyone touch my stomach. So just like check out yourself. I was very stable at this time and I went back and I watched the section of the city movie again because I flew again. It's always there. And I saw something that I forgot the first time. Samantha does plate herself with sushi and it is a romantic gesture. And what I had forgotten is that her boyfriend doesn't eat the sushi off of her because he never comes home. He leaves a voicemail and he says, sorry, I'm going to be late. And she takes the sushi off of her body. And when he comes home that night late, she throws the sushi at him. And I was like, huh? I really blacked out this whole thing. I thought this was a good idea and it was going to work out for both of us, but didn't work out for me or Samantha. And even though it didn't work out, I was proud that I incorporated a little bit more of sex positive Samantha in my life. Because I'm usually the Miranda Charlotte hybrid of a little neurotic intellectual. You probably haven't noticed the neuroses yet, but they're there. As for Kevin, we actually ended up dating for two years. My crazy didn't scare him away that time? Eventually, yeah, but not then. He helped me through that grieving process in ways that I didn't ask for and then ways that I did eat it off of me. He was a really good partner in a Lot of ways. And that year we ended up going to Burning man where a bunch of Levi's friends were honoring him in this Burning man place called the Temple. And I know you're judging me right now already, but there's a place where you go where you honor people close to you that have died, and it's an impermanent structure to honor the impermanence of life. And I know you're like, checked out right now, but a bunch of his friends went there to honor him and Kevin was there with me and he met some of Levi's family and. And this was like nine months after the fact. And Kevin was a musician and he played the guitar with Levi's brother who was there. And Levi's brother turned to me and he's like, I think Levi really would have liked this guy. And I. I'm not really a big afterlife person. I really hope Levi wasn't watching down on me when I was asking him to eat curry off my body. But it was this beautiful moment where I'm like, okay, our relationship, part of the start of this was that he supported me when I was spirally and grieving, and now he's here like nine months later when I'm still grieving in a much more, like, grounded way. And I think part of it was because I really did show my crazy at the start, but I think most of it is because we kept calm and we curried on.

Taj Easton (33:20)

Thank you.

Vesta Victoria (33:55)

Oh dear, can you be good? Oh honey, can you be good? Things you do Just lift me wild dear, you're my own angel child if you keep on worrying me I'm going to take you right across my knee because you're naughty, naughty, oh so naughty Just a naughty baby to me.

Taj Easton (34:50)

This is Risk. This is Taj Easton behind me now and inside of me because that's me. The only reason I'm playing my music is because we're broke. I am not endorsing this music. You just heard more old timey shit and you just heard Hana Nobel with curry. Hana wants you all to know that she's working on her first book, which is a book of essays and memoirs and all kind of shit from her life, which are weird and interesting things. You can find more of Hana's stories on instagram@hana.nobel or hananobel.com. okay, that's it. Next time on the the Show. Fucked up shit or interesting curious comedic stuff? Let me see what's coming up.

Hana Nobel (35:47)

Come on.

Taj Easton (35:48)

One second. On Thursday, Holiday stories number four. It's all holidays from here on out through the end of the year. This is a classic with really good stories from accomplished storytellers. It's unforgettable. Literally. That's the name of the story, so you wouldn't want to miss that.

Nikki Bailey (36:08)

You wouldn't want to miss that.

Taj Easton (36:13)

Thanks for coming to the restaurant. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. But that's the door on the way out, and today's the day. Take a risk, Sam. Oh, was I not recording? Oh, no. Oh, wait. No, I'm recording. That was a close one.