Advertiser 2 (20:55)
We're back. Hi guys. I grew up in the suburbs and then I went to college in the suburbs, and that was a mistake. If there's anything that happens in the suburbs, it's nothing. The only adventure I learned was from watching movies. That's the only way. So one night I'm in college, and me and my roommate are out for a real sense of adventure. And everything's closed by 9pm so we get in our heads that we're just going to go hitchhiking, which is not something you just go do. You don't go. That's a dumb plan for one, because both of us have cars. And also we had no destination. It was a real, real dumb plan, you know, but we were like, hey, let's let someone else be the author of our story. Just like in the movies, you know what I mean? So we just got all excited for it and we got dressed up like hitchhikers or what we thought that was. You know, we were. You know, we wanted some kind of real Thelma and Louise action, even though, like, one of them gets raped. And that's the setting off point, you know. But the movie was fun. And so we get all dressed up like Hitchhiker. So we're thinking, you know, Leah Thompson's band and Howard of the Ducks. Howard. So she's got a band and they're real crazy. So we're putting on a lot of dark eyeliner. And we're thinking that's enough to protect us from hitchhiking people. People pick us up. But the reality is we were more like the cast from Adventures and Babysitting. Not the hot one, the other one. You know, the one who, like, doesn't realize her glasses aren't on and can't see that a rat's not a cat. So that's who we are. It's like Jen, and she's got glasses and her hair's cut short because she just broke up with some dude. And I'm me, but even less cool. And we're gonna go hitchhiking. And I put a kitchen knife in my purse, you know? Cause that'll protect us. We set off out of our gated apartment complex because that's how all great hitchhiking stories start. I'm pretty sure Jack Kerouac talked about walking five minutes out of a gated community. I lived my whole life in the suburbs. I never saw one hitchhiker. But we were picked up immediately, if you can imagine two college coeds finding a ride. So it was this giant suv, and there were a couple of surfboards strapped to the top of the car. We're in the Orange county and they pick us up right away. Surprise, surprise, we get in and I'm like, oh, these douchebags are dumb. You know, it's like three hot surfer dudes. And who wants to spend a Friday night with those people, you know? You know? And so we're riding along and my friend's like, hey, you have a nice car. And I'm like, yeah, too bad we have to steal it. Cause something's gotta happen, you know? Cause it wasn't cinematic. It was very tv. And they drop us off at a bus station. Like, immediately they're like, no, no, no. And I'm like, yeah, you're right. We didn't want you either. I was like, this is not our hitchhiking film. And we walk and we decided to go around to the other side of the street. And then it happened. We get picked up by this Datsun. And like, yes, this is cinematic as fuck. It was like a matte gray, like someone had spray painted it. The interior was maroon. The whole thing looked like the groom's cake from Steel Magnolias. And I was like, this is something I can get in a hitchhiking movie with. And we get in the. The guy who's driving the car looks like Ray Liotta. Not as handsome, but the same skin. You know what I'm saying? You know, not as handsome, not as handsome. We're talking like maybe a Kevin Spacey with a Ray Liotta face. A Kevin Spacey personality with a Ray Liotta skin cover. So. And this is a two door. And, you know, I push my friend in back because she's the beta. And I sit up front because I'm a real leader. You know what I mean? I'm really feeling my Leah Thompson vibe. And we get in and he's like, where are you going? And that is something we had not thought about. And we were heading south and I'm like, to Mexico. Because that is what criminals would say in movies. And I was like, yeah, why else would we be hitchhiking? We gotta get out of this country. We're clearly on the lam. So he says, okay. Which is not okay. You can't. No. And we get on the freeway and we're cruising along. And I'm like, this is a mistake. Yeah, I really miscalculated how I was going to keep myself alive. And we're just cruising and, you know, then you start to think about, like, how am I going to get back? Why didn't I tell anybody I was doing this? I had A really safe life and a good job, and I was in college, you know, but, you know, whatever. But I'm like, but it's. You know, we're doing it. And the conversation was minimal. This was not, you know, part of the intelligentsia. But we didn't have to play the ABC game or anything because he pulls off the freeway and starts going down one of those side roads, the service roads. And I'm like, we're not in Mexico yet. And I was like, hey, why'd you pull off? And he's like, oh, I just need to pick something up. And I'm like, oh, no problem. Except I'm like, oh, that's totally a problem. And then he pulls off the service road onto some kind of dirt road. And we're just driving in the dark. And I'm like, here's that movie. What is it? Silence of the Lambs. What am I thinking of? And he pulls into one of these storage lots, you know, where they just rows on rows of garage doors, and there's one lamp per every block. And he just doesn't pull up to any specific door. He just pulls up into the middle, and he goes, hold on, I'm just gonna go get something. And my friend's like, okay. And I'm like, shut up. And then he turns off the car and he gets out. And then he locked the car from the outside side. And that's when I was like, oh, my God, I'm gonna die. Like this. I'm gonna die. You know? And, like. You know how, like, in. In the movies they have those montage sequences where your entire life flashes before your eyes? And I'm just like, I have seen Spaceballs too many times. I am not prepared for this. And he's, like, walking away from the car, and we're just sitting there in the dark, and I am freaking out, and, you know, everything's, like, sweat out of my body. And Jen, of course, is totally silent. And he, like, walks away from the car. And I'm like, run. And she was like, no, we can't run. Because, you know, that, like, female trait of being like. But he'll hurt us more if we resist. And I'm like, no, no, this is our best fucking chance, bitch. And I unlock the car from the inside, because that's how cars fucking work. And I unlock it and I open the door quietly, and I push my friend out of the fucking car. I'm like, you know, like, it's like some kind of, like, plane we're jumping out of, except it's the ground. And I was like, no, you gotta run. And I'm gonna start running first, and you're just gonna have to fucking deal with this on your own. And so we're just running from. We run from the car, we get out, we start running. And the guy is like 20ft away, but he is aware. And, you know, like, this is like straight up Silence of the Lambs. It's dark out, but he's got night vision goggles because he's a rape murderer. And what he asked us to wait to get is probably duct tape and a bat and like, I don't know, a recording device because, you know. And so we just start running and he's like, hey, where are you going? And I'm like, I'm too smart to answer that. And I just push my friend. I'm like, run, Run. And we run out of the lot and we turn the corner onto the service road when we hear him slam the door into his car. And he's getting in the car and he's turning it on, and he is going to chase us down. And we're on foot. And we dressed up like hitchhikers, which means we are not dressed for a chase. You would be if you had planned it. But in reality, you know, when you're dressing up as a slutty hitchhiker, like Halloween, you're wearing those shoes you'd maybe worn once that you think look cool but aren't great for running away from a murderer. So we're running down the service road, and it is pitch black, and we don't know where we're going. There could be, like a complete crevasse that we fall into, but we're just going by logic that the road's gonna continue. But fortunately, the light from his car lit the way. So we're running as fast as we can. And Jen somehow has, like, Terminator strength, and she's just, like, flying ahead of me. I'm like, you fucking bitch, I saved your life. And I'm just, like, desperately keeping up with her. I'm like, oh, my God. You know, like, all the. All these gym conditions, craptions never, like, taught me how to run away from a murderer. And so we're running and it's like, you know, we wanted that chase scene, you know, from Ferris Bueller's Day off, but really it was like a chase scene from, like, that time that guy murdered you. So we're running. We're running, and the light is getting brighter, which makes it easier to see, but it also Means he's like coming closer and closer to, like, capturing us. And no one will ever hear from us again. And maybe he'll wear our skin. It'll be funny to him. So all of a sudden, like, there's a light that comes from us to the right side. And I turn. I'm like, come on, Jim, turn. Except she already is ahead of me because she's so much faster and fitter than me. And we run and we see it's a 24 hour grocery store. Yes, angel angels were singing. And we. And we run in. It was so funny because, like, I once heard this podcast where a guy who was a screenwriter saying, like, well, what I do to create conflict is I write my characters into a real pickle. And then I figure a way out of it. And I'm like, ah, nobody wrote my way fucking out of it, but they did because there was this grocery store there and we run in and all of a sudden it's like, goes from this like, scientific horror film to just like some average fucking wonder your shit. Because there's like fluorescent light going on. And like, you know, Eminem is on the radio, which should be scary, but it's funny in this context, you know. And there's cookies on sale, two boxes for $5. I'm like, this is not where people get murdered. Except that that guy pulled up right in front, he doesn't even park, and he runs in after us. And I'm like, good luck, bitch. We're in a grocery store now, you know, like, there's cameras in here, there's aircraft conditioning. If the suburbs have taught me anything, it's that air conditioning can fix a lot, all right? And he runs in after us, and I'm like, oh, okay, well, you're on my turf now, buddy. And he's like, where did you guys go? And I'm like, oh, we just went to get a map, right? Like, we're not talking about, like, how you just blocked us in a car and we ran away from you in one. And he was like, well, I have a map in my car. And I'm like, mmm, good comeback and that. Touche. And I'm trying to figure out, you know, because we're women, so we're not used to, like, telling men, go away. So I'm trying to figure out what I say to oh, you've already got a map. And I'm like, oh, I think we'll just figure it out from here inside this grocery store, you know, And. But then Vince Vaughn arrives, and it wasn't Vince Vaughn, but it was like this dude who looked like Vince Vaughn was, like, drunk. Like you'd expect him to be, you know, like, drunk like Vince Vaughn. Like, swingers Vince Vaughn. And he comes up and he's like, oh, these girls are with me. And I'm like, thanks, hero. And the guy had no choice but to be like, you have bested me in this round of, like, men versus man taking advantage of women. But we were like, well, this guy hasn't tried to lock us in a car yet, so we're gonna roll. We're gonna roll with this dude and just, you know, that all shakes out, you know? And so, you know, Ray Liotta leaves ostensibly, and there we are with Vince Vaughn. He's like, would you ladies like a ride home? And I'm like, like, fuck, I'm leaving this store without some kind of a. You know, it's like, either that or call the cops. How are you gonna call the cops and be like. So I was, like, hitchhiking. So I was like, I'm not making that phone call, so. So I'm like, yeah, I'll take a ride with you. He's like, hold on, let me just grab something. And he picks up a 12 pack of beers, and we get in his SUV and he's just drinking them while he drives home. No big deal. And he's like, you ladies should really be more careful. Like.
