Kevin Allison (0:00)

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Paul Gilmartin (1:25)

Episode is brought to you by State Farm.

Kevin Allison (1:27)

Knowing you could be saving money for the things you really want is a great feeling. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. This episode is brought to you by Amazon Prime. From streaming to shopping, prime helps you get more out of your passions. So whether you're a fan of true crime or prefer a nail biting novel from time to time, with services like Prime Video, Amazon Music and fast free delivery, prime makes it easy to get more out of whatever you're into or getting into. Visit Amazon.comprime to learn more. Hey folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison and every Thursday we release these special episodes where we look back at content from our earlier years. This week it's the Best of Father's Day Stories Number three. Fatherhood is discuss in interesting and maybe surprising complex ways in this episode. Now in a Little bit. We're gonna hear from Mali Mason. But first, a story from Paul Gilmartin. Paul is the host of the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast, an extraordinary podcast. And you will hear in this story what a thoughtful and really fascinating guy Paul is. And here he is now with a story we call After Dad. I want to talk about my dad. My dad was always a mystery to me. There was something about him that I couldn't ever really put my finger on. And he was a really quiet guy. He was really difficult to get to know. And I remember being, like, 6 or 7 years old and feeling like he is battling something, and I don't know what it is. He was just always kind of trapped in his head. He wasn't a loud person. He was never a violent person. My friends would come over and they would say, why is your dad mad at me? And I would say, that's just his face. There was just a. There was an intensity to him that I didn't understand. Not that I didn't have good moments with him when I was little. One of my favorite moments was he would carry me to bed every night, and we had this ritual. He would carry me up the stairs, and when the ceiling got low at one point, I would always touch the ceiling. And we did it so much that there was, like, handprints on it. And years later, I remember looking at those handprints and thinking, God, there aren't many memories that I have of my dad that are warm. He loved to swim. People said, you have to eulogize your dad. It would be like he wrote a good check and he liked to swim. My dad had such trouble being present. And, you know, there's nothing kids want more than their parents undivided attention. You can give them gifts and all that other shit, but I don't know, there's just something. The more people I talk to, the moments that people remember from childhood, the most are the ones where they have their parents undivided attention or they feel seen in some way. And there was always just kind of a feeling that I didn't feel seen. But swimming. My dad loved the water. He taught us, my brother and I, how to dive. And it seemed like the one place in the world where he would kind of let loose and be present. And the other thing where I felt seen was when I played sports. The only time I ever in my life saw him express joy was when I pitched a winning game in Little League against an undefeated team. And he came leaping out of the dugout like. Like a leprechaun I don't even know how to describe it, but it was. His knees were going, like, abnormally high, and he was. And he has no sense of rhythm, and his arms were flapping up and down. And I remember going from, like, sheer joy at winning to sheer embarrassment and my dad running towards me, but he picked me up and he held me. And it was such a bizarre weekend because then we got in the car almost immediately and we went to our family vacation, which that year was at the Ozarks. And I remember my brother and I were at the pool. My dad comes up and he seems angry, but then again, that's my dad's face. And he says, I need to talk to you. And I'm like, oh, fuck, what did I do? And he sits me down and he says, paul, when a man loves a woman, he puts his penis inside her vagina. And I remember thinking, what did I do? And after about a minute, I realized, oh, my God, he's giving me the talk. But he didn't. He didn't. He just. If he could have typed it up and gave it to me, he would have done that. And then he would have signed it. Dad, you know, had his secretary type. He was kind of like Don Draper. He was an insurance executive. He was very successful. He had a big corner office with a bar and a couch, and I thought the bar was so cool. I didn't know he was an alcoholic, but I never saw him slur. But he was probably the most high functioning alcoholic I've ever known. Help is on the way. You're at that cute stage where it's funny. I was at that stage. But, like, my dad's favorite thing to do was to have people around him, but leaving him alone. And that's kind of who I turned into. As much as I hate to admit it. But I didn't know my dad was an alcoholic till he was 18. I was 18 years old and I was leaving for college, and my mom said, you should keep an eye on your drinking. Alcoholism runs in the family. I was like, what? Who? Yeah. Turns out every male in my family tree is an alcoholic. And it explained a little bit of why he was so trapped in his head and so distant. And then in 1993, I was still living back in Chicago, living on my own, but back in the same town as my family. And I got a phone call that my dad had attempted suicide. He was in New York on business, and he hadn't shown up for a meeting, and they broke down his hotel room door. And he was in the bathtub drunk, and he had opened his wrists. And I remember being surprised, but not being surprised and finally going, oh, that explains it. That's what he was battling. He doesn't want to be here. He doesn't want to be alive anymore. And he has been trying to find a way to survive all his life. He's been trying to find something to enable him to feel. He had a terrible childhood. His father was also an alcoholic. The gift that keeps on giving. And his father was emotionally sadistic, just a straight up asshole. And I know my dad had demons in his head. And he was committed to Bellevue, which I'm sure you all know is like the casting central version of a psych unit in New York. And we weren't able to get a hold of. Of him, even though we would call. They said, well, the only phone is a payphone in the hallway. So for three days, crazy people are answering the phone. We're trying to say, is William Gilmartin there? And you know the government is spying on you. And not to minimize people's mental health experiences, but fuck them anyway. Trying to talk to my dad. Finally, after three days, I get him on the phone and I say, dad, it's Paul, how are you? And he goes, oh, fine. That made me more sad than him trying to take his life because I thought, what's it going to take for him to ask for help? You know, he's the type of person who. He fell and broke his ribs one time and laid in his bed. He was living alone for three days rather than pick up the phone and ask somebody for help. But thankfully, the psychiatrist at that psych hospital said, I will only release you if you get directly on a plane, fly directly to Chicago. Your family meets you at the airport and they drive you to rehab. And so we did on Christmas Eve. And I didn't really feel much. I battled numbness most of my life, I suppose, as a way to. To deal with things that aren't fun. But we didn't talk about it. We didn't talk about it in the car. We didn't talk about it after we dropped him off. And my dad stayed sober for a while. And before he passed away from cancer, I began to try to meet him where he was, as they say, instead of trying to. To get him to be the dad that I needed. I had an epiphany one day. I was trying to get some praise from him. I had started doing a radio show and I was producing sketches every week. And it involved elaborate Recordings and editing. And I played it for him, and he didn't say anything. And I said, so, what did you think? And he was silent. He said, I didn't think it was your best work. And I remember feeling crushed, and then looking out the window and thinking, what the fuck am I doing? This guy is not capable of giving you what you need. He's been disappointing you in some way or another your whole life. But I wanted to believe that. When I was 16 years old, I got busted before the first day of school my sophomore year for smoking weed. And my dad said he was very forgiving. He said, this is the saddest day of my life, except for the day my father died. His father, who he hated. But I said, okay, I'll make you a deal. You quit smoking cigarettes, and I'll quit smoking pot. And he thought about it, and he said, okay. And we were about six months into it, and I was going to a UFO concert with my friends, and they passed me a joint, and I said, no. And they said, oh, you're still doing that thing with your dad? I said, yeah. And my neighbor laughed. I go, what? He goes, dude, your dad's been on the side of the house smoking cigarettes every night after dinner. And I was like, give me that joint. Give me that beer. And it was on, man. It was like something in me almost kind of broke in that moment of, like, trusting, trusting people. And I got so drunk at that concert that I apparently blacked out after peeing in the aisle behind me. And when I came to, the band still wasn't on yet. And I was like, when the fuck are they gonna come on? And my friend goes, dude, they just got off the stage. So I missed the entire concert. And that was sadly, kind of the path that I was beginning to head down when I got sober. But fortunately, it was a couple of years before my dad passed away, and I got to have some nice moments with. When his cancer was terminal, I got a moment alone with him in the hospital, and I'd begun to accept who he was. And I said, I just want to thank you for the things that you gave me in life. You modeled how to live below your means to be financially responsible. I think there was something else, but I can't remember what it was. And he said, I used to worry about you, but I don't worry about you anymore. And we told each other that, you know, I love you. But when my dad passed away shortly after, I didn't cry. And they say that, you know, grief kind of has its own schedule. And it was about three months after he died. I was driving in my car and I went to call him to ask him who he thought was going to win the NCAA basketball championship, which I would do every year because sports was one of the things we could connect through. And I picked up the phone and I realized I will never be able to call him and talk about that again. And that's when I broke down and I cried. And I got to a place where I'm okay with the fact that our relationship was what it was. Because I realized his father tortured him mentally and emotionally. And what my dad was doing in his head was he was probably trying to save me from the demons that he had in his head. And I was grateful for that because I. I feel like that's the best that he could do. And I'm okay with that. Thank you. We'll be right back. This Father's Day at Lowe's. Score free gifts for the greatest dad. Right now get a free select Dewalt Craftsman or cobalt tool with purchase of a select battery kit. Plus get a free Werner 2 foot aluminum ladder when you buy an 8 foot fiberglass ladder. Shop these deals and more this Father's Day at Lowe's. We help you Save valid through615.