Mara Wilson (10:26)

And.

David Crabb (10:29)

My mom and I at one point are at a red light and she has her hands clamped in her thighs. And she's just saying over and over again, you're gonna make your mother pee. You're gonna make your mother pee. Because that was two things that my mother did when she was really like hysterically laughing. She talked about herself in third person and she threatened urination. And at a certain point, she pulled the car over into her parking lot. And we were sitting there and I was laughing and she was laughing. And then this crazy thing happened where my mom stopped laughing. Her body jolted, locked. And then I. You could have heard a pin drop. And I thought, my mother is peeing. My 39 year old grown ass mother sat next to me in her little bay Chevette and filled the driver's seat with her own urine. And that was when I knew, I'm gonna make people laugh. I was a monster. She dropped me off at the party and I barged in, like, in character. I had my basket, I clicked up the sidewalk in these. I also borrowed these, like 3 inch heels from her. I barged into the party and it, it was amazing. I just was in character. I was walking up to people, like totally popular people. There was this girl, Sarah, who was like a cheerleader. And I went up to her and the next thing I knew, she was laughing as I threw this ketchup breadstick in her face. And I ran my rubber Freddy claw along her cheek, which I had painted with pink nail polish. And I said, fresh meat. So sweet. And she was cracking up. And this was a girl that would never in a million years talk to me. At one point, I entered the living room where they were watching scary movies on the tv. And I had, in the apron that I put on, I had grabbed all these slim Jims and I started throwing them like some sort of terrifying sprinkler system in the middle of the room screaming teen jerky. And people just kept laughing and laughing. And this was like the most amazing experience I ever had. And I really think that half the people at the party just had no idea that it was me. That being said, if I took the mask off, they'd be like, who are you? Like, they wouldn't know. It was just the most incredible time. And eventually it was time to go. And I knew my mom was gonna pick me up in the front yard. So I waved to all the kids and I said, goodbye, kids. See you in hell.

Audience (12:33)

Ah ha ha ha.

David Crabb (12:34)

And they all, like, 40 kids, were, bye, Frederica Kruger. And I walked out, like, in character, like, click, click, like, skipping with my basket of ladyfingers. And I walked into the front yard, and it was this, like, elation. I never had that sort performing experience. And if you've ever won one of those full, like, latex masks, it gets to be, like 890 degrees in them. And it was like two hours. So I ripped it off, right? And I can feel this cool air on my face. And I'm looking up at the stars, and for this minute, I think, oh, my God, this is gonna end. I'm gonna be popular or at least known to several people. And I could feel the cool air on my face. And I, like, sighed. And right as I was, like, just sort of so elated about the future, the possibilities, what high school could be. Like, this little white Honda pulled up, and out of it, this kid, Ethan White got out. And Ethan White was, like, one of the star football players in eighth grade. And he was with this girl who I knew was a freshman in high school. Like, he dated a girl that was in high school, which was a huge deal. And as they walked towards me, I, like, grinned at them, really happy, right? You know, like, more new friends at the party. But he looked at me and he just sort of sneered at me. And then the girl he was with, like, rolled her eyes, and as he walked in, he hit me really hard in the shoulder. And at that moment, it occurred to me that, like, I was basically me in full drag from the neck down. At that point, there was no Frederica anymore. It was just like, that weird guy from school dressed as a lady for some reason at a Halloween party. And as they shut the door, I held up the mask and I started to be like, there's more to the Costa. And then the door just shut, and my mom picked me up and we went home, and. And that night, I laid in bed and I was trying to figure out what had happened. How was that so awesome? How could I make every night of my life as awesome as that? How could I basically become somebody else? Because I had tried other things, but should I try to date more girls? Should I get on some sort of school club? Should I attempt to play a sport that involves a ball that I won't instinctively run away from when it comes towards me? Because what I wanted to figure out was, like, how could I sort of be myself and be someone else, but better yet, be someone else that people liked and still be me, you know? And it drove me crazy, and I couldn't answer the question, and eventually I fell asleep. But two years later, I would answer this question, and I would do it not with the guidance of my mother. I would do it with the guidance of bisexual girls named Epiphany who like Susie and the Banshees and boys who wear capes and play riff raff in the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I would achieve that when I had a collection of friends that my dad literally looked at once and said, all your friends look like superheroes going to a funeral. I became a goth kid. And that was when I knew I was where I was supposed to be. Because for the next three years, every day was just like Halloween. Thank you.

Tommy O'Malley (15:29)

What a drag it is dressed in drag.

Mara Wilson (15:35)

It's me, Frederica Kruger.

Tommy O'Malley (15:46)

We'll be right back.

David Crabb (15:48)

Starting a business can seem like a daunting task unless you have a partner like Shopify.

Mara Wilson (15:54)

They have the tools you need to.

Tommy O'Malley (15:55)

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David Crabb (15:57)

From designing a website to marketing to.

Mara Wilson (15:59)

Selling and beyond, Shopify can help with everything you need.

David Crabb (16:02)

There's a reason millions of companies like Mattel, Heinz and Allbirds continue to trust and use them.

Mara Wilson (16:08)

With Shopify on your side, turn your.

Tommy O'Malley (16:10)

Big business idea into Sign up for.

David Crabb (16:13)

Your $1 per month trial@shopify.com specialoffer this season of revisionist History. We're investigating everything from the secret behind the perfect nooks and crannies in Thomas English muffins to the merits of Paw.

Audience (16:26)

Patrol against its critics.

Mara Wilson (16:28)

There's some things that really piss me off when it comes to paw Patrol. It's pretty simple.

Tommy O'Malley (16:33)

It sucks.

Kevin Allison (16:34)

My son watches Paw Patrol.

Audience (16:35)

I hate it. Everyone hates it except for me.

David Crabb (16:39)

Listen to revisionist history wherever you get your podcasts.

Tommy O'Malley (16:44)

We're back.

Mara Wilson (17:12)

My father remarried when I was 13 years old. My mother had died when I was 8, and I had spent the previous few years being raised by my brothers. I had three older brothers and some babysitters, but mostly my brothers. We called them the boys. And I kind of felt like I was one of the boys, you know? There was never a time in my life, from the time that I was 5 to the time that I was 14, that there wasn't at least one teenage boy in the house. So I loved it. I loved, you know, doing all the crazy things they did, setting off fireworks in the backyard and watching movies and TV shows that were way too old for me. And, you know, we would do all Kinds of crazy things. We would make our put our zippers up and down really fast and make it sound like we were DJs. My new stepmother was very much about being proper and being classy. She'd always tell us that you can't buy class, which is ironic because she paid for me to go to charm school. But she was also very, very Catholic. She was so Catholic she hung the rosary from her dashboard mirror. She would cross herself every time we drove by a church and we had pictures of the Pope up in our apartments. And she would give me lectures on virginity. And she was very composed and very quiet, whereas I, I was pretty much like the Most butch, heterosexual 13 year old girl that I could be. And I was used to, you know, hand me downs for my brothers and going shopping with my dad who would pull out a pair of jeans and say, do you like these? And I'd say, yeah. And he'd say, great, buy seven more and let's go. So she was very much about, you know, jewelry and fashion and not being showy, but being classy about it. And I remember her even saying to me once because I said, you know, I don't get what the big deal is about jewelry. You know, I'd rather somebody show me that they loved me or care about me through actions, through words, through other things. And she looked at me and laughed and I said, why are you laughing? And she said, you're not a girl. Everything changed really quickly. And my father worked a lot. So you know, my stepmother had a lot of control over the home and over the kids. And all of a sudden there were all these new rules popping up. Things that I had done previously without complaint suddenly would get me in trouble. All of a sudden she'd say, I don't want you on the phone past 9pm or you can't leave the house by yourself, or you're not allowed to use tampons because I guess she thought they would de virginize me. I actually ended up hiding tampons in my drawer like contraband, the way that a more rebellious kid would hide cigarettes or pot. I had tampons and I developed even sort of a conditioned response because I never knew when I was going to be in trouble. And the punishments just ranged from all kinds of crazy things. So every time they would call my name, I would jump and think, oh God, what did I do? Did I forget to cover my mouth when I yawned? They were basically in complete control of my life. Fortunately, one of my older brothers moved back in with us at that Time he was older, taking time off of college, and he was involved in this volunteer group he told me not to tell my parents about because my parents were very, very conservative. And this group was a local progressive sex education outreach group. It was aimed at teenagers. And since I was a teenager, I took an interest. Now, at 14, I was pretty much the biggest virgin in the world. I had never been kissed. I had never masturbated. I wasn't sure if the clitoris was part of a man or woman's anatomy. So the group kind of came in handy. You know, I learned a bit more, and I would dispense sex advice to my friends who actually needed it. And it was nice because my parents trusted my brother. So I had somebody to escape the house with, and I had somebody to vent to. And we had this sort of secret connection that made our bonds stronger. We even had T shirts from one of the group's events that had the logo on it. And one of their mottos, safe is sexy. I didn't actually wear this shirt that often. I would wear it as pajamas, under a robe, or under a sweater and feel thrilled at my secret rebellion whenever I was near my parents. But then one day, after a little hubristic carelessness on my part, my brother knocked on the door while I was getting ready for school and said, don't leave your shirt lying around. Dad found it in the laundry room today, and he gave me hell. So all that day at school, I was obsessing over what they were going to do to me. Were they never gonna let me see my brother again? Were they gonna send me off to military school? Or worse, Catholic school? What were they going to do with me? And I realized that the scariest thing of all was that I had no idea. So I told my brother that I didn't want anything else to do with the group, that he could go it alone from then on. I hid it in the back of my drawer, and I thought, okay, I'm safe as long as they don't search my room and my brother is still here. But then he went back to college, and I had only one thought. I have to get rid of the shirt. I thought about getting rid of it in several ways. I thought about donating it to charity. But then I thought about my stepmother's Catholic charities asking, what is this shirt? Why does it say safe is sexy? I thought about throwing it in the trash. But my parents were the kind of people who kept the key to the front gate locked in their bedroom while they slept at night. And I thought about, you know, giving it to my brother, but I didn't know how. I couldn't see him. I was too afraid to let the shirt see the light of day. So, seeing no other option, one night after my parents went to sleep, I set out to destroy the shirt. I cut off the bottom part and tore it up, and it was just the white parts. And I put it in the rag bucket that my dad used to wash the car. And then I took to destroying the logo. First, I got a bottle of nail polish, and I tried to put nail polish on top of it, but the nail polish was meant to be translucent, so safe is sexy and the logo were still clearly visible. So then I got out a Sharpie and tried to scribble things out, but the Sharpie wouldn't stick where it had been nail polished, and I had just made more of a mess of it. I eventually gave up on the Sharpie and started to attack the shirt with scissors. By this time, my room smelled of nail polish and Sharpie, and I was starting to feel a little woozy. I took some of the pieces and I ran to the bathroom and I started flushing some pieces down the toilet until I realized that I could clog the toilet this way. And I couldn't imagine what my dad would say if he had to unplug the toilet. And safe is sexy came bubbling up out of the toilet at him. I looked at the piece of the shirt and thought, I have to get rid of these somehow. So I did the only other thing that I could think of. I picked up the pieces, put them in my mouth, and started to chew. I used to eat paper as a child, and I figured, well, this can't be much different. But the shirt pieces were tough and coarse and seemed to suck all the moisture out of my mouth. And while paper will actually begin to disintegrate when it's exposed to saliva, cotton will not. It also doesn't taste very good, especially not when it's covered with a layer of sharp Sharpie and nail polish. I chewed as vigorously as I could, but I ended up having to swallow the pieces whole, and I could feel them going all the way down. Afterward, though, I felt this profound sense of relief and accomplishment, like I'd managed to outwit my tyrants. So I went back to bed, but I was soon roused by this terrible pain in my abdomen. The shirt was not done with me yet. It was now engaged in a brutal battle with my stomach and intestines, which were trying to break it down. But the shirt was having none of it. I ran to the bathroom and just lay on the floor for hours, hoping that the pain as well as the shirt would pass. And eventually they did. But the whole time I kept thinking, oh, God, if I have to go to the hospital and explain this to my parents, I don't even know what I am going do to. To do. And my stomach made these unearthly noises. All with this clear, some things are not made to be eaten. So It's. It's about 10 or 11 years later now. I know a little bit more about sex now, but I'm actually kind of glad that I didn't have sex during my teenage years. I think that the way that I handled the shirt and my parents at that age kind of shows that I wasn't really ready to deal with things like an STI or, you know, an unwanted pregnancy. And my parents have mellowed out a lot too. They have dogs now, and that seemed to have calmed them down. And I think my stepmother and I have realized that while we are very different people, we do have a mutual respect and understanding and hopefully, I think, have learned from each other. But there still could be undigested bits of T shirt in my body. And so I think that it's funny that out of all the punishments that my parents could have given me, or even the ones that I imagined them giving me, I don't think any were ever as bad as what I did to myself that night.

Tommy O'Malley (26:47)

Sam.

Audience (27:17)

I was wishing we could go back to how it was before age.

Tommy O'Malley (27:22)

Impaired our reach I was wishing we.

Audience (27:26)

Could go back to the house Our hands stretched under old pine trees hold on, hold on We've got the lights.

Tommy O'Malley (27:35)

Deep Just like where you came from.

Audience (27:39)

Hold on hold on We've got the.

Tommy O'Malley (27:42)

Lights, dear Just like where you're going hold on I feel like you could shine a little brighter, my love Just like you did when you were younger Underneath the copper wires and the rub of the crew I hope it never.

David Crabb (28:01)

Ends.

Kevin Allison (28:04)

This is Risk with the Lighthouse and the Wailer behind me now. And we just heard from Mara Wilson, who we love so much. You gotta check out Mara's blog at marawilsonwritesstuff.com She's a wonderful writer and a good friend of us here at the show. In just a bit, we're gonna hear from Michael Stahl. David, who you might know from films like Cloverfield or the upcoming Joss Whedon project, In youn Eyes. But first, blogger Tommy o' Malley. Now you can follow Tommy's current Experiment of avoiding all unhealthy stuff for 365 days@yearabovetheinfluence.com and here he is now with a story we call virgin minds and virgin bodies.

Tommy O'Malley (29:05)

On my shoulders. Oh, my.

Audience (29:08)

I hope it never ends.

Tommy O'Malley (29:32)

The year I was born, my cousin graduated from Harvard.

David Crabb (29:36)

And.

Tommy O'Malley (29:36)

And the commencement speaker that year was Mother Teresa. And for my mother, who is an extremely devout Catholic, she goes to mass every single day for 65 years. This was like an opportunity to see Judy at the palace. That was back when Radcliffe and Harvard were still two separate schools, but both valedictorians got to speak at commencement. And so the Radcliffe speaker got up to deliver her address before Mother Teresa. And as my mother tells it, what she said was, I know what you think about us women who go to Radcliffe. You call us cliffy bitches because you think that we're too self serious, we're too uptight. But I'm here to dispel some of the notions you have about cliffy bitches. Did you know, for example, that we say the word fuck, and not only do we say fuck, but we do fuck? We fuck in our dorms. We fuck men. Some of us even fuck women. Well, my mother, who is this tough south Boston broad, she grew up in the Southie of Whitey Bulger, was ready to beat the shit out of her. But she took solace when she looked over at Mother Teresa, who had her head bowed and her hands folded in prayer. When Mother Teresa got up to speak, what she said was, the most beautiful thing you can give to each other is your virgin minds and your virgin bodies. And with that, my mother found this catchphrase that she would repeat to me and my brothers every single day of our lives. The most beautiful thing you can give to each other is your virgin minds and your virgin bodies. Sex was not something we were encouraged to talk about in my family. It was something we were taught to fear. If my mother saw me or one of my brothers touching ourselves, she'd say, you're gonna go deaf if you play with your dinky. Or if I were taking a little too long in the shower, she would bang on the door and say, what's taking so long in there, Tommy? I was appropriately fucked up about sex, and for that matter, women, who, as I understood it, had these vagina sex monsters that would eat my penis and kill Jesus all over again if I got too close to them. Nevertheless, the first person outside of my family who I wanted to spend time with was a girl. Her name was Talia. And Talia was different from anybody that I had ever met in my life. In a town where every family had a mother and a father, she came from a single mother household. She also liked to play sports when every girl that I knew liked to play with dolls or dress up, which was more in line with what I was interested in at the time. But. But Talia was this amazing opportunity to experience a world outside of my family. We would walk through the woods for hours on end looking for adventures. We'd be looking for treasure. And by treasure, I mean shards of broken glass or discarded adult magazines. So anyway, Talia and I are on one of our walks through the woods looking for treasure, and I said to her, you know, I saw this movie and they were kissing in it and I kind of want to try it. And she said, okay, sure, why not? How do we do it? And next thing I know, we're sort of gnawing at each other like a couple of seal pups. And when it was over, I wiped a lot of drool off of my chin and I thought, wow, that was pretty cool. I would really like to try that with one of my boyfriends. But unfortunately I didn't have any boyfriends and didn't really make a boyfriend until I was probably 16 years old. That's when I met Richard. Richard and I would spend the days, these sort of self assigned personal days from school, just walking the streets of Boston aimlessly. For the most part, what we did was sit in hotel lobbies and just smoke pack after pack of Parliament cigarettes. And we would read Entertainment Weekly and we could talk for hours about how Kim Basinger had stolen the Oscar from Joan Cusack or how Meryl Streep was great and Glenn Close was terrible. It was, when I look back on it, really like where I learned to kiki with another gay guy. I introduced Richard to my family, and for whatever reason, I thought it would be funny to introduce him not as Richard, but as Dick. And it was not the simpatico macho that I had sort of hoped for between my Republican family, who watched the Patriots every Sunday, and Richard, who sat down when he had to pee. I remember one time, my older brother Joey, Joey's like a big football player. He was the quarterback of his high school and then college football teams, and we just could not be more dissimilar. And I remember one time he said to me, the only thing you ever bring in this house are girls and that homo dick. So which one are you, a girl or a homo? And my mother Sort of said the same thing to me, but she had a lot more finesse. And she said, I don't know what it is, but there's just something about that dick. Despite my family's reservations, Richard was the first friend of mine who was ever allowed to spend the night at my house on account of the fact that he was a boy and I couldn't get him pregnant. So the night came that Richard was going to sleep over, and we waited for my family to go to bed. And as soon as everyone was upstairs, we raided my mother's liquor cabinet, which she never touched. And we took a Powerade bottle and filled it with whiskey, gin, vodka, and Midori. And we're sitting on the couch, gulping this poison down, watching the Golden Girls, and talk inevitably turned to our penises. Richard told me that his was uncircumcised, and I said, which he did. And the next thing I know, I'm balls deep in Richard's throat, and I'm thinking, my mother's right. There is just something about Dick. If I tiptoed out of the closet that night, I slammed the door shut the next day when I threatened to beat Richard up if he ever told anybody what happened between us. And understandably, that was pretty much the end of that friendship. Two years later, went to college in Texas, determined to be a straight Republican man. My early college career was peppered with these incidents where I would jerk off with another guy or I'd let another guy blow me, but. But I stopped short of ever entertaining any sort of ass play, because that would have been too gay, too real. So one day, I'm at the gym on campus. I'm on the treadmill, and this guy gets on the treadmill next to me, and I'm running. And out of the corner of my eye, I can feel him eye fucking me head to toe.

Audience (36:48)

And.

Tommy O'Malley (36:48)

And I'm already sweating, and my sweat starts to sweat. I am just overheating. And I look at him, and I accidentally make direct eye contact. And as soon as I do, boom. I have an erection. I'm starting to freak out. I don't know how to hide it, so I just grab my towel off of the top of the treadmill, cover my boner, and beeline out of the gym. I put the episode behind me. A couple of weeks later, I met a bar downtown in Austin where I was at school. And I see this guy who was on the treadmill next to me. He approaches me and he says, hey, I'm Trace. As in uno, dos, tres. I'VE seen you around campus. Can I buy you a drink? And I say, sure. And one drink turns into shot after shot after shot of tequila. And that's when Trey said, you know, I have this really great Afghan Kushback at my apartment. Do you want to come smoke some? And I was like, duh. So we pile into the BMW that his parents had given him for his birthday, and we took this extremely frightening and extremely illegal ride down I35 to his apartment. We go into his apartment and he loads this very large bong, takes a giant hit, and instead of releasing the smoke into the air, he pulls my head close, puts his lips up to mine, and exhales. And it's like the smoke just goes straight down my throat and into my cock. Because I am harder than I have ever been in my entire life at that moment. And the next thing I know, it's like we're two animals just attacking each other for food, and we're just going at it. And I rip his shirt off and we're stumbling from the couch into the bedroom. And the next thing I know, he is face down, ass up, and handing me a condom. I have never had anal sex with another guy at this point. So I put the condom on and I try to put my dick inside of him, but there's too much friction. And in that moment, Trace goes from being that laid back hippie that I had met at the bar to being the bossiest bottom I have ever known. And he's screaming at me, spit on my ass. I don't have any lube. Just spit on my ass. So I spit on his ass and I. And I put my dick in and it starts to go and it's moving pretty smoothly. And I'm like, oh, man, this feels pretty good. I can't believe it took me this long to do this. All of a sudden, I'm stopped cold when Trace farts on my dick. I'm freaking out and I decide that, you know, I'm in his butt. I guess this is an occupational hazard. So I recover and I keep going. And suddenly the fucking gets really good. And it's really smooth. Like I. I am in and out and in and out, and it's completely effortless. And I cannot believe how amazing this feels. It's so much better than jerking off or blowjobs or anything that I've ever experienced before, including sex that I'd had with girls. And pretty soon I'm, like, about to come, and I can't believe it. I'm really, really close to coming. And I'm so excited. I've never been happier in my entire life. And. And I'm just pumping so hard, and I'm gonna come and I'm gonna come and. Oh, my God, I come. And I take a deep breath in. And that's when it hits me. The smell. I go to take the condom off, and I can feel it. The condom soaked. I put my hand on my stomach, and it slides straight down to my thigh. I am paralyzed with fear. I turned the light on and I look down and I am covered in shit. Like, nasty looks like Hershey's pudding all over me. This drill motion that I had been really enjoying for the past 10 minutes had struck oil. I dissociate, and I don't know how, but I moved from the bed into the bathroom and I took every white towel off of the shelf. And I am scrubbing myself clean. And I turn the water on as hot as it'll possibly go. And I'm standing under it for probably 10 minutes, burning away layers of shit stained skin. And all I can hear in my head is my mother saying, the most beautiful thing you can give to each other is your virgin minds and your virgin body.

David Crabb (41:38)

Sa Breakfast time.

Tommy O'Malley (42:09)

Like a.

Mara Wilson (42:14)

Heartbeat.

Audience (42:30)

Everybody has childhood crush. And mine was Giselle Martinez. And she was sweet and shy. Her braces were clear and she had a great booty. And I'm remembering her third grade booty with my third grade mind. So it's fine. And at the time, I was really into Nintendo, into Mario Brothers. In the game, you know, you're trying to rescue the princess. That's the backstory. And at the end of every level, you see the princess and then she's kidnapped. You have to go to the next level to get her. And when I would get stuck in. In the game, I'd be like, the princess is Giselle Martinez. But Giselle didn't really notice me. Not a lot of people did. At my school, I went to this, like, bilingual school in Chicago. It was 90% Latino, so I was a reverse minority. And I desperately wanted to be Latino. I'd go to my mom and I'd be like, we're Latino, right? Come on. And she'd be like, not that we know of. But it wasn't just my whiteness, my clothes. I was like, every day to school, I wore sweatpants and hand me down T shirts from running events. You know, the other kids wore like, Levi's and those T shirts with like, Bugs Bunny and Tweety dressed as crisscross. But in third grade, I got seated next to Giselle Martinez, and I found that I could make her laugh. And I did. A bunch. And one day, I had her cracking up. I was just killing it. And she just catches her breath. She goes, oh, Michael, I like you. You're so funny. And, I mean, my face flushed. And the next couple days, that's just playing in my head over and over again. I was like, it's time to do something about this. So my birthday was coming up. I was like, I'm gonna invite her to my party. So I brought some invitations to school. I waited till the end of the day, and she was putting on her coat. I walked up to her, and I was like, giselle, this is an invitation to my birthday party. You can come if you want. Or not. Boom. And I was out before she could say anything. Day the party comes, I'm nervous, but I'm dressed to impress. I got my favorite yellow sweatpants, my Turkey Trot T shirt, like a turkey with running shoes. And Doorbell rings, and it's Aaron Schreiber. Okay. Then the door rings again, and Dan Sturmer. It's just me and the other reverse minorities just hanging out. On Monday, I go and sit down in my seat next to Giselle, and I'm like, how was your weekend? She's like, fine. And she doesn't say anything about the party. And then I realized, like, I was so stupid. Stupid to think that Giselle Martinez would come to my house. Like, the whole. The fact I even invited her was so dumb. Embarrassing. We're not gonna talk about it. She's not gonna talk. I'm not gonna talk about it. Around that time, I noticed her staring at Danny. Slick black hair, you know, Bugs Bunny shirt. He was killing. So I just. I gave up. I, you know, spent the next several years channeling my romantic frustration into video games and computer programming. Just like basement dweller, hyper focused on these solitary activities until eighth grade. By eighth grade, I had embraced my whiteness. I started wearing flannel and ripped jeans, listening to Stone Temple Pilots. I still channel my frustrations into computer programming, but only as a joke. Like the program I wrote. There was simply the prompt, Will you go out with me? Yes or no? And if you typed no, it would just ask you again. Will you go out in the yes or no? And it would do that in a infinite number of times, which I thought was hilarious. I had no contingency plan for if you typed yes. I just exploded. So that was me in eighth grade. Giselle Martinez in eighth Grade still the prettiest girl in school. Sort of dignified, you know, she was a good girl and, you know, just had an amazing booty. And I'm remembering her eighth grade booty with my eighth grade mind. So it's fine. And Danny was, you know, writing poems in English class in tagger handwriting. He was my hero. And it was springtime in Chicago, and in our pants, we were 13. Twas the season of the boner. And around this time, Danny and I struck up a friendship. And I lived like a block from school. So our friendship was oriented largely around me providing Danny with unsupervised chill space and alcohol. And he called me Ghost. You know, like, hey, man, let's hit your parents liquor cabinet, Ghost. And I'd be like, word, Danny. I, like, really love that nickname. You know, I was, like, honoring my reverse minority status. I felt like I had arrived. But soon, like, bro time with Danny, he got bored of that. He wanted to hang out with other people at my house, namely girls, which is how my house sort of became Danny's after school brothel. Like, I would spend all day passing flirty notes with Rebecca Gonzalez. But then after school, Danny would eat her out in my laundry room. So it's the last week of eighth grade. It gets worse. And, you know, it's like, last week of school, it's like, you know, we're all just like. Everyone's just Talking about the 8th grade class trip to Six Flags. No one's doing it. Any word? We're all just flirting. This is mating season. And Danny announces that he's bringing Giselle Martinez to my house. Now, by this point, I'm not giving up hope on Giselle. It's like she was never gonna be interested in me, which made her all the more attractive. You know, she's the princess, just always out of reach. And so I was like, I guess living vicariously through Danny's the best I'm gonna do. Sure. You know, so five years after ignoring the invitation to my party, d Giselle Martinez in my house. And I'm really giving her, like, VIP treatment. I'm like, would you like some water? Which, like, now second nature. But 13 year olds in my house. Would you like some water? And I'm like, I'm not gonna put them in the laundry room. She's dignified. I'm gonna put them in my parents bedroom, the king size bed. And so I go up there just to make sure everything's clean and clear. And I go into the room and I see the family camcorder. Just sitting on the dresser. And without thinking, I just grab it, set it up in the corner of the room on a shelf, drape a shirt over it, press record. Now, I don't know what I did while they were in there, but I was a really bad lookout because next thing I know, I hear Michael. It's like my mom. And I run over and my mom's there in front of the room. And Danny comes bolting out. Giselle comes like, slinking past, like, excuse me. And she turns to me and my mom, she's like, you're not going on the 8th grade trip to Six Flags. And I literally fall to my knees.

Tommy O'Malley (48:42)

I'm like, no.

Audience (48:43)

But she didn't notice the camera. No one did. So a couple minutes later, I sneak back in, I get the camera, I take it to my room, and I'm like, oh, my God, what's on this tape? And my heart's thumping with anticipation. And I stick my. I rewind the tape, stick my eye to the viewfinder, and there in black and white, is my little brother building a sandcastle. I'm like, oh, shit. I run it too far. I fast forward, forward a little bit. And there in black and white is Giselle Martinez and Danny on my parents bed, making out. And he's feeling her up, first over the shirt, then under the shirt, causing her shirt to like, lift up, exposing her belly and her black lace bra. I like, fast forward a little bit. Now she's on top of him, dry humping. And he squeezes her booty. Now, by this point, I am totally hard, but the viewing situation not optimal. So I'm like, all right, let me grab the RCA cables and plug this in. Then I'm like, are you really? And then I'm like, yes, I am. I lock the door, I press play again. And now instead of grainy black and white, there's color and there's sound. And I can see the brown of Giselle's belly. And I can hear the soft smacking of their lips. She's got on these tight jeans, little camel toe situation. And Danny starts. Janie starts rubbing it like an expert. And there on my screen is Gisele Martinez. Like I've never seen her face flushed, body writhing. And I start to jack off to my childhood crush. After I came, I felt kind of weird. I had jacked off the porn before, but never to people I knew who had no idea they were being filmed. And over the next couple of days, it kind of started to eat away with me. I was like, I Gotta tell Danny about this. I didn't know how he was gonna take it, you know? This is how he took it, bro. You should have told me. I would have gotten her clothes off. So that almost worked out, except that Giselle didn't take it as well. I don't know how she found out, but she did. And she wouldn't look at me for that last week at school. And I wanted to make it up to her somehow. I didn't know how. And I find myself at a party with her, you know, right after graduation. And I see her and I'm like, so feel so weird being around her. And see some kids in the back room. I go back there and they're smoking a blunt. I get more stone than I've ever been in my life. And I come out, I'm like, now I can handle this. And I look to her and I'm like, giselle, Look, I just want you to know I'm sorry about. You know. And she's like, you're sick, Michael. I'm like, yeah, I know. Bye. And I just run out of that party and down the street after that party, I never saw Giselle again. But she did send me a Facebook friend request a couple years ago. And last summer, she got married. And in her wedding dress, she looked like a princess. Thanks.

David Crabb (52:09)

Seven o' clock shower.

Audience (52:11)

Red Toxio with the David Dad's cologne. I own a modest cow. I'll have you home by wall.

Kevin Allison (52:27)

That just about wraps this episode up, folks. That was actor Michael Stahl. David. And this is the Griswolds behind me now, as always on Twitter and Facebook. You can find us riskshow on Twitter. I'm hekevinalison. Our storytelling school and corporate coaching center is thestorystudio.org and everything else you might want to know about us is at risk-show.com folks, today's the day. Take a risk.

Tommy O'Malley (53:01)

I'll be coming around to pick you.

Audience (53:05)

Seven o' clock.

Mara Wilson (53:27)

Hey, don't forget to get Rick riding.

Audience (53:43)

Plan on flying. It's time to upgrade to a real id. Because in order to board domestic flights, your driver's license or state issued ID.

Kevin Allison (53:52)

Must be a real id or you'll.

Audience (53:54)

Need another acceptable form of identification. So don't wait. Find out how to get your Real ID@tsa.gov RealID that's tsa.gov RealID or visit your local DMV and then you'll be cleared for takeoff.