Savage Lovecast: After Action Report #22 – March 27, 2026

Episode Overview

In this installment of the Savage Lovecast’s “After Action Report,” host Dan Savage talks with a listener, Tom, who shares his firsthand account of participating in a consensual non-consent (CNC) kidnapping scene at a private kink event in the Netherlands. The episode dives into the emotional dynamics, logistics, ethical considerations, and aftermath of orchestrating such an intense fantasy scenario for another couple.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Introducing Tom and Setting the Scene

• Tom’s Background
  • A 45-year-old man living in Canada, originally from the Netherlands
  • Emphasizes his wholesome side: he has twin boys and a positive relationship with his ex-wife and current girlfriend, both of whom support his kinky adventures
  • Quote [01:46]:
    Tom: “On my way to Holland... I got a message from both her [ex-wife] as well as from my current Canadian girlfriend to wish me an awesome time and have the most sexy time at this kink event I was headed to.”
• The Invitation
  • Tom is asked months in advance by a man (the boyfriend of a woman he hasn't yet met) to help execute her fantasy CNC kidnapping at an upcoming private Dutch kink event.

Consent, Communication, and Due Diligence

• Critical Consent Check [04:50]
  • Dan Savage raises ethical concerns:
    Dan: “How do you make sure if you can’t talk to the 'victim'... that this is consensual non-consent and they are interested in being kidnapped?”
  • Tom’s Response:
    • Relied on trust recommendations from his lover, who is friends with the couple.
    • Insisted on meeting and spending time together before agreeing:
      Tom [05:20]: “If I didn’t get along with these people, or I was like, does she really want it? ... I was ready to bail.”
    • Observed the couple’s communication, intelligence, and play style before proceeding.
    • Notably, Tom had rented a white van—“perfect for a gym kidnapping scene”—but was ready to pull out if things felt off.

Planning and Execution of the Kidnapping Scene

• Logistics & Preparations

  • The event was held in a bungalow park rented out to avoid alarming outsiders.
  • The setting included role-appropriate props: black "Friday the 13th" masks, a white van, zip ties, etc.
  • While on a volunteer perimeter walk with the “victim,” the prearranged time and location for the kidnapping were chosen.
  • Dan: “Wouldn’t arranging to have it happen at a kink event... be a bit of a tell?”
    Tom: It’s a compromise for safety and spontaneity.

• The Actual Scene [08:54]

  • Tom and the woman’s boyfriend leap from behind a van and chase down the “victim.”
  • Quote [08:54]:
    Tom: “As soon as she saw us, she turned around and started running. He tackles her to the ground. ... And this is such a beautiful moment because it’s quite violent... but from her face... her going, he, he, he, he, he. It was super wholesome.”
  • The woman cooperates enough for safe restraint but plays her terrified part.
  • Tom pins her legs, zip ties her, and they “throw her in the van.”
  • Dan jokes about the paradoxical violence, comparing it to children’s games like “cops and robbers.”

• Transport and Hostage Setup [10:47]

  • They drive around to disorient her, pounding aggressive Berlin techno in the van (Dan’s “hard no” for himself).
  • The cabin living room is turned into a mock “hostage” area, with bright lights and a fake ransom video for added realism.
  • Tom bows out, leaving the couple to play out the rest, noting the scene was more intense than he’d expected.

Aftermath & “After Action” Reflections

• Catharsis and Emotional Impact

  • Tom observes the aftermath:
    Tom [13:04]: “This couple comes walking out of our cabin. They’re holding hands, they’re almost skipping. Her makeup is running down her face, her eyes are bloodshot, she looks totally frazzled.”
    • When Tom’s partner asks, “Did you cry?” the woman nods and beams, “Uh huh. I did.”
    • Crying was an agreed-upon goal for cathartic release.

• Tom’s Feelings About the Experience

  • Tom [14:16]: “This is my jam... I love doing new things... curating or creating experiences for people, something I really enjoy doing. ... The white van is a really nice touch, so I enjoy that.”
  • He would help orchestrate a similar scene in the future—perhaps less aggressively if for a partner of his own.
  • Tom remains more comfortable as the dominant/kidnapper, not the kidnapped:
    Tom [16:36]: “I think I lean more dominance. ... If I had to be kidnapped, it would have to be by a bunch of dudes. But as soon as there’s women, then I would want to be dominant.”

Kink Community & Event Details

• Setting Exclusivity
  • The Dutch event is very private, invite-only, and intentionally un-Googleable to protect participants.
  • High standards for invitation lead to a high-quality, respectful crowd.

Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• On Group Bonding & Consent [06:50]:
  Tom: “The ebb and flow of participation was really natural. Communication was strong. They were super smart. ... All signs pointed... these people, like, know what they’re doing.”

• On Paradoxical Wholesomeness in Kink [09:04]:
  Tom: “And this is such a beautiful moment because—it’s quite violent—more violent than I had expected. But ... her going, ‘he, he, he, he, he,’... It was playful, it was wholesome, it was super fucked up and yet it was great.”

• Host Dan Savage’s Caution & Humor [12:39]:
  Dan: “If anyone is out there arranging a CNC kidnapping scene for me right now, pumping German hard techno is a hard limit. That’s a no for me in the van. I just want some Vicki Carr or some Frank Sinatra.”

• On Emotional Aftermath [13:04]:
  Tom: “Her makeup is running down her face, her eyes are bloodshot, she looks totally frazzled... she just nods with a huge smile... I did [cry]. And apparently that had been like an agreed upon goal.”

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:29 – 02:09: Introducing Tom and his supportive ex-wife and girlfriend
• 02:14 – 05:20: Invitation to participate in CNC, consent checks and party logistics
• 06:50 – 08:21: Bonding, chemistry check, and scene planning
• 08:54 – 11:29: The kidnapping scene in detail (chase, restraint, transport)
• 13:04 – 13:52: Emotional aftermath for the couple (“Did you cry?”)
• 14:16 – 15:08: Tom’s personal reflections on his role and the experience
• 15:28 – 16:21: The secrecy and exclusivity of the Dutch kink event
• 16:36 – 16:51: Tom on his dominant leanings and who he’d allow to “kidnap” him

Summary Takeaways

• Communication, trust, and vetting are crucial in any CNC scene, especially when dealing with new partners and such intense fantasies.
• Roleplay can be surprisingly wholesome even when the script is “fucked up”; adult “cops and robbers” carries a sense of play and catharsis.
• Setting, logistics, and safety measures are as important as any fantasy element in ethical kink.
• Community matters—high standards for event invitees facilitate both fun and safety.
• Emotional catharsis (like crying) can be a positive goal in BDSM play if safely negotiated.
• Personal boundaries and hard limits (techno or otherwise!) matter and should be respected—with room for humor and self-reflection.

For listeners looking to understand the reality and complexity behind CNC fantasies, this episode provides a candid, detailed, and warm-hearted account—blending practical advice, ethical caution, and genuine delight in exploring new experiences.