After Action Report #23

Summary

Savage Lovecast: After Action Report #23 (April 3, 2026)

Host: Dan Savage
Guest: Ember, a 32-year-old bisexual trans man

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Episode Overview

This episode of After Action Report features Dan Savage in conversation with Ember, a trans man who recently hosted his first sex party. The discussion explores Ember's journey into the sex party scene, what motivated him to host, the logistics and emotions involved, and memorable experiences from the event. The tone is candid, celebratory of queer joy, and full of practical wisdom for listeners who might be curious about this corner of sexual community life.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introducing Ember and the Need for Queer Joy

• Ember's Background: 32-year-old bi trans man, living openly post-breakup, exploring sexuality through attending (and now hosting) sex parties.
  • "I'm surviving the chaos by being a slut, basically." – Ember (01:29)
• Importance of Connection: Dan and Ember agree on the value of maintaining connections and joy in turbulent times.
  • "Maintaining my queer joy through all of this is important." – Ember (01:54)

2. Finding His Place in the Sex Party Scene

• Entry Point: Ember's participation started after a major breakup and a friend's invitation, leading to ongoing involvement (02:23).
• Appeal and Environment:
  • Safe environment with friends fostered exploration.
  • Some performance anxiety persists even among friends, but the positives of discovery outweigh nerves.
  • "I was seeking exploration and finding it there… I really trusted them and felt safe." – Ember (03:00)
• Party Dynamics: Most parties Ember attends are queer/gay-mixed spaces. His reception as a trans man has been positive and affirming.

3. Hosting a First Sex Party: Motivation and Planning

• Why Host?: Inspired by a local nudist group host who made do with a small space, Ember realized he could do likewise.
• Practical Logistics:
  • Created a welcoming environment with colored lighting, music in various rooms, and invited guests to BYO (bring your own): towels, lube, poppers, snacks, and drinks (05:36).
  • "I didn't do any last-minute run outs, but I did do a lot of prep beforehand." – Ember (05:36)

4. The Night Of: Emotions and Ice-Breakers

• Guest Arrival: Guests arrived punctually—contrary to Ember and Dan’s expectations—with Ember barely ready (06:20).
  • "I think I was still brushing my teeth." – Ember (08:13)
• Energy Shift: The event started slow due to collective shyness. Ember kickstarted proceedings by initiating an encounter with a guest (“the daddy”), catalyzing group engagement.
  • "I had to kick off my own party." – Ember (06:44)
  • "I take him into one of the rooms and start sucking his dick, and then we start getting a crowd." – Ember (06:49)
• Icebreaker Tactics: Dan shares a tactic used by another host—designated “starters”—for next time (08:22).
  • "That's a good idea...maybe because it was a new place and I'm kind of newer in the group, everyone was a little shy about it." – Ember (08:44)

5. The Social and Emotional Takeaways

• Feedback and Vibe: Positive feedback from guests, both during and after the event.
  • "People did leave messages on the, like, invite page about having a good time." – Ember (09:29)
• Cleanup Relief: Contrary to Dan’s worries, cleanup was easy; guests were respectful (09:40).
  • "Everyone was very well behaved...there really wasn't much to clean up afterwards." – Ember (09:40)
• Would Host Again?: "Oh, hell yeah." – Ember (09:57)

6. Advice for Prospective Hosts

• Tip #1: Build or connect with a community, even if initially unfamiliar—positive vibes matter more than long acquaintance.
  • "Just find a good group of people...they've all been super welcoming to me and just in general, just great vibes." – Ember (10:03)
• Tip #2: Seek out or join niche online/local groups (e.g., bear groups, nudist groups) for access to event-oriented communities.
  • "I hit him up and then he added me to the nudist group and then that's how I went to my first party with them." – Ember (10:52)

7. Most Memorable Moments (Listener's Mental Image)

• Scene-Setting Highlight:
  • Ember describes guiding first-timers, the mix of excitement and discovery, group participation, and a sense of playfulness and inclusivity.
    • "There was this one guy who hadn't been with someone with a vagina before... he ended up coming inside me and then someone ended up coming on him who had been watching us. And that was really great. Then after him, I just literally with my finger summoned another guy to come fuck me. It was great." – Ember (11:35)
  • Dan: "That mental image will live in my head too." – Dan Savage (12:01)

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Notable Quotes and Moments

• "I'm surviving the chaos by being a slut, basically." – Ember (01:29)
• "Maintaining my queer joy through all of this is important." – Ember (01:54)
• "So a BYO p bring your own poppers, BYO l bring your own lube, and byoht bring your own hand towels. Not that people use them mostly on their hands." – Dan Savage (05:56)
• "I had to kick off my own party." – Ember (06:44)
• "That mental image will live in my head too." – Dan Savage (12:01)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:29] – Ember on surviving and thriving post-breakup
• [02:23] – Ember’s introduction to sex parties
• [03:00] – Why queer sex parties feel welcoming to some
• [05:36] – Logistics: prep and party atmosphere
• [06:44] – Icebreaking and initiating the first encounter
• [08:22] – The idea of “designated fuckers” for party flow
• [09:29] – Positive guest feedback and aftermath
• [09:57] – Ember's enthusiastic readiness to host again
• [10:52] – Building community and getting connected
• [11:35] – Hottest moment and storytelling highlight

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Summary

This candid and detailed After Action Report provides an accessible window into the contemporary queer sex party scene, demystifying the logistics and emotional landscape for curious listeners. Through Ember’s story, Dan Savage highlights both the challenges and rewards of seeking out connection, joy, and sexual expression—emphasizing community, openness, and a supportive vibe as keys to success.

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(Summary excludes advertisements and non-content sections. Direct listener participation information is omitted.)

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

You're listening to After Action Report at Savage Lo.

[A]

After Action Report welcome to After Action Report, where one adventurous soul comes on the show to tell you and me all about a new sexual adventure. Today I chat with Ember, a trans man with a big beard who threw his very first sex party. Ember. Ember, welcome to the show.

[B]

Hi. Thanks for having me.

[A]

Before we get to the new thing you tried, the thing you wanted to talk with me about and share with my listeners, just tell us a little bit about you. Who is Ember? Where is Ember? And with the way things are in the world right now, I always feel like I should ask, how is Ember? How are you?

[B]

Well, I'm a 32 year old trans guy. I'm a bisexual man. And how am I? Wow. I'm surviving the chaos by being a slut. Basically.

[A]

Whatever makes your time in this world bearable. And however you connect with people right now, I think it's so important that you enjoy it and do it fully and not be paralyzed, not let them win.

[B]

Yes, I feel like maintaining my queer joy through all of this is important.

[A]

So what is it that you tried? What did you want to tell us about?

[B]

So I hosted my first sex party.

[A]

Host? But you've, you've attended others?

[B]

Yes, I have attended. I'm still kind of newer to them in general. The last few years I've been exploring. But yeah, this is my first time hosting.

[A]

So tell us quickly before we get to your first time hosting. Your first time attending. What got you to a sex party in the first place?

[B]

My slutty phase really took off after like a big breakup with long term partner. I had some friends who ended up having a party and invited me and then since then I haven't stopped going.

[A]

What is it about them that you enjoy? Because some people Hear sex party and they just, I don't know, they have kind of a Hieronymous Bosch painting in their heads or it sounds like it wouldn't be fun or it would induce a kind of performance anxiety, stage fright that they otherwise might not experience. So what is it about going to a sex party that first time that clicked for you? What is it that worked for you?

[B]

I think a lot of it has to do with like, I was seeking exploration and finding it there. And the group that I started out with, a lot of them were friends, so I really trusted them and felt safe. But I definitely even still will have that kind of performance anxiety every now and then.

[A]

Is there something a good sex party host does that helps people relax and enjoy themselves and feel, catch a groove?

[B]

I love a good music choice, good set list to set the vibe, you know, have like a little room for like snacks and stuff. So there's not so much pressure. People can go and just like socialize. I like having that.

[A]

So you're a bi trans man. The sex parties that you've been to,

[B]

queer, mixed, gay, mostly been gay. Yeah.

[A]

And your reception at these parties has been affirming and positive.

[B]

Yeah, it's been very good. I mean, I'm definitely privileged just in the way I look, you know, I've been on hormones for like 14 years now. So I've got like, you know, my big beard and I just, you know, I just look like a man. So that's helps me, I guess. I'm attractive to gay men.

[A]

So as many trans men are, like most all my trans male friends swimmin in dick, as one of them told me recently. So I think that's wonderful. All right, so tell me about, why did you decide to host one?

[B]

I joined this like local nudist gay group and started going to their parties. And the host there, he's just got like one bedroom, you know, and it's like he still manages to cram like 20 to 30 guys in there. And I'm like, okay, I've got two bedrooms in my apartment. Like I could pull this off too.

[A]

You can get 60 seconds, 70 guys at a two bedroom, grease them up and stack them like cordwood, right?

[B]

So I ended up just posting in the group that I was hosting when and where, and a bunch of people immediately were saying they'd go. So, yeah, really just took off with little work from my end.

[A]

I know that when Terry and I host a dinner party or a Christmas party, we get a kind of host anxiety. Where do we have enough food and we end up going out and getting too much food. Was there any sex party host anxiety? Anything that you thought, oh, I need to get more of hand towels. I need to get more lube. I need to get more. Did you have to run out before the party and grab anything?

[B]

I didn't do any last minute run outs, but I did do a lot of prep beforehand. Like, I've got, like, colored lighting to, like, set the vibe. I got new speakers to play music from in different rooms, but pretty much just told everyone, you know, bring your own towels, bring your own lube, bring your poppers, bring some snacks and drinks if you want.

[A]

So a BYO p bring your own poppers, BYO l bring your own lube, and byoht bring your own hand towels. Not that people use them mostly on their hands. So set the scene. It's the big night, and are you worried people are gonna show up? Were people fashionably late? And you panicked for 15 minutes that it was gonna be just you at this sex party? What was the night like?

[B]

No, actually, people arrived, like, right on the dot, which I was kind of unprepared for. But it was nice. Like, they offered to help with just, like, you know, sending out drinks and things. But the first hour was kind of slow. I was like, is anyone gonna get started? Like, we're all just sitting around talking. So I think everyone was, like, a little nervous and shy. I actually did. I had to kick off my own party.

[A]

And how did it start? What did you. Did you. Did you grab somebody at random?

[B]

I was walking in between the bedrooms, so, like, there's a hallway in between. And this one older daddy, who had been kind of, like, eyeing me throughout the night, and I had also been eyeing him, came up to me and I was like, hey, you want to go in the bedroom? And he, like, at some point referred to himself as daddy, which excited me because I'm very into that dynamic. So then I take him into one of the rooms and start sucking his dick, and then we start getting a crowd.

[A]

That's what always makes me nervous about sex parties is the people gathering. I don't like to be looked at. This is why I like to hear about sex parties. I'm glad they happen for people who enjoy them. But I don't want to go. I don't want to go. Yeah, but no shade. I'm super into them. And I have friends and partners who love them and go to them. So this is a me problem, not a sex party problem. So back to people arriving on time and you feeling violated by that? I know that when we have a party and it's all gay guys coming, we kind of count on the fact that all gay guys are fashionably late. So we say, everybody come late. We're really not gonna be ready till 8:30 or quarter to 9. And we have felt so wronged by gay guys who show up on time to the party because we're just not ready for people to be on time. So it sounds like you had a kind of similar experience when everyone showed up right on time.

[B]

Yeah, I think when like, three people arrived at the same time right on time, and I was. I think I was still, like, brushing my teeth.

[A]

I have a friend who hosts sex parties, and he has what he calls designated fuckers, where he has a couple of people who are already fucking at, like, when the party starts that people arrive to people already having sex. The sex icebreaker. Did that occur to you? Is that something you might want to try next time?

[B]

That's a good idea. No, I hadn't thought of that. I guess I didn't expect everyone to be, like, so hesitant to get started, but maybe because it was a new place and I'm kind of like, newer in the group, everyone was a little shy about it. I don't know.

[A]

So tell us about you and the daddy got it on. You attracted a crowd. At what point did other people in the crowd start looking away from the two of you and looking toward each other? When did other people start breaking out into pairs or triads and getting it on?

[B]

It was pretty soon, like, once we started. Everyone kind of started coming in, watching, and then they start touching each other and just really kicks off.

[A]

And what kind of feedback did you get from your guests? Is this a thing where people send a thank you note afterwards, thanks for the party. That was a good time?

[B]

Yes. People did leave messages on the, like, invite page about having a good time. So that was nice to hear.

[A]

What was the cleanup like?

[B]

It really wasn't bad. I was surprised. Everyone was very well behaved. Like there was really wasn't much to clean up afterwards.

[A]

Oh, my God, what a relief that would be. My. My big nightmare is I'd have to boil my house afterwards. So would you do it again?

[B]

Oh, hell yeah.

[A]

And any tips for people out there who are thinking of hosting their first sex party?

[B]

Just find a good group of people. Like, a lot of these people I haven't really known long, but they've all been super welcoming to me and just in general, just great vibes.

[A]

I think the question some People might have is how did you find this group of people in the first place? How did you end up on this list where you could invite these people that you've only just been getting to know to a sex party? Because if somebody's out there like, oh, I might like to have a sex party, but who would I? It's not something you invite the neighbors. It's not something you invite the co workers to. You'd need to invite kind of a self selected group of people who have already expressed some interest in sex parties. And how do you find those people? How did you find your way into this crowd or crew or group or onto this list?

[B]

Yeah, I kind of lucked out really. So I'd been in this, like, local bear group for a while and it didn't get really much action. But then one of the guys who runs it posted and was like, I'm in this other group and I'm hosting this party if any of you all are interested. So I hit him up and then he added me to the nudist group and then that's how I went to my first party with them.

[A]

Okay, so let's leave the listeners with one mental image. Something you saw, something that happened. Hottest moment, best in show, best in blow. Like, just paint us a picture of like one scene at your first second party that you observe that's kind of burned into your memory forever. The memory you'll treasure.

[B]

Okay, well, there was this one guy who hadn't been with someone with a vagina before and he seemed like really hesitant and he's like, yeah, I'll try. And I was just like kind of giggling like, I know he's going to have a good time. And sure enough, like, he ended up coming inside me and then someone ended up coming on him who had been watching us. And that was really great. And then after him, I just like literally with my finger summoned another guy to come fuck me. It was great.

[A]

Wow. Okay. That mental image will live in my head too. Ember, thank you so much for coming on After Action Report and sharing the story of your first time hosting a sex party in your two bedroom apartment, which has now seen some things.

[B]

Yes, it has. Thank you for having me.

[A]

Thank you, Ember. Soon your parties, I'm sure, will be legendary. If you have a tale to tell. If there's something you want to get legendary about here on After Action Report, write it down and send it to us at Qavage Love. And we may have you on After Action Report as our next guest. Thank you for listening. We'll have a new After Action Report for you next Friday.

[B]

After Action Report.