After Action Report #26

Summary

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Savage Lovecast – After Action Report #26

Host: Dan Savage
Guest: Mitchell
Date: April 24, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of the "After Action Report" segment on the Savage Lovecast centers on a listener story from Mitchell, who finally explored a long-held, intimate turn-on with the help of his girlfriend. Dan and Mitchell delve into the nuances of kink, consent, and the importance of partners who are GGG (“good, giving, and game”). The conversation highlights the random nature of some kinks, the importance of communication, and the joy that can come from finally indulging a desire in an ethical, affirming way.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introduction to the Kink: Hair Washing as a Turn-On

• Mitchell shares that he has always had “an extremely sexual reaction to getting my hair washed” during haircuts.
• He explains the difficulty of experiencing such a response in public, particularly the challenge of being subtle:
  • Mitchell: “My reaction is not subtle, and that has not been an option for me.” (03:31)
  • Dan references his own odd turn-on: “I used to have this... reaction every time I got into one of those big New York City yellow cabs...” (04:12)

2. Polyamory Context and Journey

• Mitchell identifies as polyamorous, at his wife’s urging. Initially, he was “poly under duress,” but after a positive experience, his resistance evaporated.
  • Mitchell: “I was, you could say briefly poly under duress. But then as soon as I got an experience of my own, that duress completely evaporated.” (02:29)
  • Dan comments on the gender dynamics in poly memoir narratives, noting how rare Mitchell’s story is.

3. Navigating Consent and Ethics

• Mitchell stopped getting professional hair washes due to the impossibility of hiding his arousal and because he did not want to non-consensually involve hairdressers.
  • Dan: “It's not secret perving if they can tell you're aroused... So basically you stopped getting these kinds of haircuts.” (05:22)
  • Mitchell: “Yeah, that was the main thing. It's the hair washing and shampooing part. Everything else, able to control myself.” (05:32)
• The feeling of shame was not about the desire, but about potentially making someone uncomfortable inadvertently.

4. Fulfilling the Kink with Partner Support

• The breakthrough occurs when Mitchell shares his hair-washing turn-on with his girlfriend. She creates a home salon setup with an inflatable neck pillow and towels.
  • Mitchell: “She bought this, like, inflatable neck pillow... So that plus just a pretty nice office chair and a lot of towels. And she made it happen for me.” (06:17)
• The experience exceeded his decade-long hopes:
  • “There are very few things that you can want for a decade or longer and have them actually meet what you have hoped they've been.” (07:52)
• Dan expresses envy and humorously notes, “My boyfriend and husband both know about my deep-seated, old New York City style yellow cab and neither of them have purchased that yellow cab for me. So you are loved in a way that I am not loved.” (07:58)

5. Post-Experience Reflection & Repetition

• Mitchell confirms he has repeated the experience and jokes about the “price of admission” being washing dishes:
  • “All I had to do was wash her dishes to get this again, which is completely worth it.” (08:25)
• He clarifies that for him, the hair-washing is more about sensation than orgasm:
  • “I didn't want to come to completion in the moment. I just wanted to enjoy the experience of it and then later bring that energy in.” (09:01)

6. Disclosing the Kink & Partner Reactions

• Mitchell describes feeling no shame in the desire itself, only in the challenge of legitimately enjoying it without causing discomfort for others.
• He disclosed it in the context of talking about what turns him on, not necessarily as a “kink.”
  • Mitchell: "No shame in terms of what the desire was. Just shame of going to get my hair cut and trying to not embrace it and then realizing that I needed to not do that part of the haircut." (09:52)
• Notably, Mitchell is “a cisgender hetero, straight,” but can be aroused by anyone washing his hair—including male hairdressers—reinforcing that his response is grounded in physical sensation rather than the gender of the hair washer. (10:31)

7. Discussion: Kink, Sensation, and Meaning

• Dan and Mitchell discuss whether kinks are about sensation, about psychological meaning (e.g., power dynamics), or both.
  • Dan: “I hesitate... to call it a kink because it sounds so purely sensation driven.” (10:52)
• Mitchell responds that while it's mostly sensation, there's meaning added when it’s with someone he's emotionally connected to (e.g., “the shared enthusiasm”).
  • He describes an especially pleasing repeat: “When I was able to do it with my girlfriend the second time and she washed my hair and then made out with me and then washed my hair again, and that was great.” (11:52)

8. Celebrating GGG Partners

• Dan highlights the importance of GGG (“good, giving, and game”) partners and asks if Mitchell reciprocates:
  • Dan: “GGG is a two way street. I hope that you've been as solicitous and indulgent of your girlfriend and your wife as they've been of you.” (12:41)
  • Mitchell: “The half joke, half serious is that my girlfriend is doing her absolute best to corrupt me and it's working.” (12:48)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On secret perving:

  • Dan: “It's not secret perving if you ask for their permission. And it's not secret perving if they can tell you're aroused.” (05:22)

• On strange kinks:

  • Dan: “All the poly memoirs are written by women where it was the husband or boyfriend's idea... And yet in your case, it was her idea. And we really need to hear from more guys like you who were the poly under duress partner at first.” (02:41)

• On fulfilling long-held desires:

  • Mitchell: “There are very few things that you can want for a decade or longer and have them actually meet what you have hoped they've been.” (07:52)

• On communication:

  • Mitchell: “No shame in terms of what the desire was... Just shame of going to get my hair cut and trying to not embrace it and then realizing that I needed to not do that part of the haircut." (09:52)

• On kink as sensation:

  • Dan: “I hesitate actually not out of a shame thing... to call it a kink because it sounds so purely sensation driven.” (10:52)

• On GGG:

  • Dan: “GGG is a two-way street.” (12:41)

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Timestamp Guide: Key Segments

• [02:17] – Mitchell introduces his story and background in polyamory
• [03:10] – Describing the hair-washing as a turn-on, and the difficulties with secret perving
• [04:12] – Dan’s own “yellow cab” arousal anecdote
• [05:22] – Discussion of consent, ethics, and Mitchell’s withdrawal from professional haircuts
• [06:17] – How Mitchell’s girlfriend set up the home hair-washing experience
• [07:52] – The emotional impact of finally experiencing the long-held desire
• [08:25] – On repeating the experience and the exchange of dishwashing for kink fulfillment
• [09:52] – Conversations with partners and reflections on shame and disclosure
• [10:31] – Sensation vs. meaning: What’s really at the heart of the turn-on?
• [11:52-12:48] – Joy in shared enthusiasm, and being a GGG partner

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Conclusion & Takeaways

• Celebration of Kink Diversity: The episode warmly highlights how kinks can be random, unique, and rooted in either sensation or meaning.
• Importance of Communication & Consent: Openly sharing desires with partners—and the ethical importance of not involving non-consenting people—is emphasized.
• Value of Supportive, GGG Partners: Both Dan and Mitchell celebrate partners who not only tolerate but actively help fulfill each other’s fantasies and needs.
• Humor and Self-Awareness: Dan’s playful envy and both men’s honesty about their quirks keep the tone light and relatable.

Memorable Closing Line:
Dan: “And thank you to Mitchell’s girlfriend for being such a great GGG girlfriend. And thank you to Mitchell’s wife for being such a great GGG wife and allowing Mitchell to have a girlfriend in the first place. And thank you to Mitchell for calling in to tell us about his new hair care routine.” (13:22)

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

After Action Report. Welcome to After Action Report, where my listeners tell me about something new they tried, how it went, and whether they would ever do it again. This week on After Action Report, we meet Mitchell, who finally got to indulge or finally was indulged in something he'd had to hide his whole life. I loved this aar this After Action Report so much because it reminds us all how weird and how random a a kink or a turn on can be. I even share a very random turn on of my own. And Mitchell's girlfriend is a big part of the story. Shows us all what GGG really means. Mitchell, welcome to After Action Report. Thank you for joining me.

[C]

Hi, Dan and Nancy and tech savvy at risk youth.

[A]

So, Mitchell, before we get to the thing that you did, tell us a little bit about yourself.

[C]

I'm 38, have now been poly for about two years. My wife has wanted to be poly for the majority of our relationship.

[A]

Oh, thank God.

[C]

Has eventually gotten me there. I was, you could say briefly poly under duress. But then as soon as I got an experience of my own, that duress completely evaporated.

[A]

You need to write a memoir. I've been talking about this a lot on this show. All the Poly memoirs are written by women where it was the husband or boyfriend's idea to open the relationship or to become poly. And all these women who've written the memoirs were poly under duress. And now everybody out there in the world thinks it's always his idea. And yet in your case, it was her idea. And we really need to hear from more guys like you who were the poly under duress partner at first. All right, what is the story that you have to share with us? What's the thing you got to do?

[C]

The thing that I got to do is I have always had an extremely sexual reaction to getting my hair washed. And that happens during a nice haircut. And I know that you have encouraged people to be. What is the term that you use?

[A]

Secret perving.

[C]

Secret perving. But my reaction is not subtle, and that has not been an option for me.

[A]

And if you get around, like, if you're getting a fancy haircut and you're in that chair that leans way back to put your head in the sink and. And you're aroused, that could be easily spotted. It's hard to secretly perv if you've got a raging boner and you're laying practically flat in front of the person that you have the raging boner because of.

[C]

And wanting to start moaning is not something that can be secret.

[A]

Were you worried that these were consent violations every time you got your hair washed?

[C]

No, I just very uncomfortably tried not to. To do that and also stopped getting that kind of haircut.

[A]

Ah. You know, I used to have this. I wrote about this years ago. I'm going to date myself here. This is how old I am. I would have this reaction every time I got into one of those big New York City yellow cabs that aren't out there anymore. The ones from the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, the ones with the giant deep green leather seats. Every time I got into one of those cabs, I instantly got. I don't know what it is. I got hard. And I never disclosed it to the cab driver, But I wasn't laying in the front seat with my head in the cab driver's lap, where then if I was aroused, he would visually be able to clock it. But if you are spread out in one of those chairs, the hairdresser, unlike the cab driver, I never disclosed to the cab. I never said to the cab driver, is it all right if I get in your cab? Because I'm going to get a boner. I never had to do that. I never had to get their consent. I just privately enjoyed my boners in the backseat, My inexplicable New York City yellow cab boners that I don't get anymore. It doesn't work in the sedans.

[C]

Yeah. So it didn't feel like there's any way to get that consent without asking someone who was not a sex worker to be a sex worker, which was not where I wanted to be.

[A]

Yeah, it's not secret perving if you ask for their permission. And it's not secret perving if they can tell you're aroused. They have a visual. So basically you stopped getting these kinds of haircuts.

[C]

Yeah, that was the main thing. It's the hair washing and shampooing part. Everything else, able to control myself.

[A]

I could never tell you why I got boners in the backs of big yellow cabs. Maybe it's Joni Mitchell's fault. But why do you think this arouses you? What is it about it? That was a turn on. Did you ever do some deep thinking about where this kink came from?

[C]

Laying back, having warm water washing down my hair and having someone running their hands through my hair is all extremely pleasant to me and apparently in a sexual way. And so within that, you know, my wife had known about this for years and, you know, we'd had the idea of, oh, if we ever see, like, a used haircut sink, we'll try to buy it. But that never actually came up. And then I started to have a wife and a girlfriend, and I, you know, during conversations this came up, I told new girlfriend about it, and she surprised me by having. She bought this, like, inflatable neck pillow that was this designed so you can give people haircuts in your sink at home. And so that plus just a pretty nice office chair and a lot of towels. And she made it happen for me.

[A]

She so set the scene. Was it a surprise? You walk in and, like, she has a little hairdressing station set up for you?

[C]

I think she had shown me that she had the inflatable neck pillow. And then I took a shower and she said, come out here. I've got this set up. I just need you to move this chair. So I moved the chair, she laid me back, and she washed and shampooed my hair two times. I was able to just completely, fully embrace it, be completely aroused, visibly and audibly. And we didn't immediately move into anything else because I just wanted to sit in that experience. And it was. It was amazing. There are very few things that you can want for a decade or longer and have them actually meet what you have hoped They've been.

[A]

How did you not spontaneously combust at that moment?

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

And I gotta say, I feel let down by my. You have a wife and a girlfriend and your wife was theoretically down but didn't make it happen. Your girlfriend made it happen. My boyfriend and husband both know about my deep seated, old New York City style yellow cab and neither of them have purchased that yellow cab for me. So you are loved in a way that I am not loved.

[C]

An inflatable neck pillow is much more accessible than an entire yellow cabin.

[A]

True. I will concede that point.

[C]

I know that you like to ask, will you do this again? Definitely. I have since been back to my girlfriend's house and all I had to do was wash her dishes to get this again, which is completely worth it.

[A]

And when you did this, you just like were able to get hard, moan, groan, sigh, really enjoy the sensuality of the experience. Have you had full release hair wash at the salon play yet? Are you able to jerk it now while she does this? Would you want to or is it just enjoy the sensation, have the boner and then throw that dick at her later in some other way?

[C]

Yeah, later. Whether it's 30 seconds later or in the case of this first time, like half an hour later. It's weird. I didn't want to come to completion in the moment. I just wanted to enjoy the experience of it and then later bring that energy in.

[A]

How lovely and how thoughtful of your girlfriend. And do you have any advice out there? Not for people who want to do. I think this is a really rare kink. You're one of those black swan kink events and I'm down. I'm here for it. I love it. But disclose it. You disclosed this to your wife as a kink or as a quirk? And how did you disclose it to the girlfriend? Do you. You have any shame attached to this? Did you have any hesitation to share it with your sex partners?

[C]

I guess I never somehow never connected it as being a kink in my own head. So it was talking about what turns you on and I. No shame in terms of. For me, no shame in terms of what the desire was. Just shame of going to get my hair cut and trying to not embrace it and then realizing that I needed to not do that part of the haircut. Just as the.

[A]

Because you're an ethical, conscientious dude and you didn't want to make some poor hairdresser hairdresser's assistant feel uncomfortable.

[C]

Yes. And as an interesting note, I cisgender hetero, straight. But apparently I can be aroused by anyone washing my hair. This has happened even with male hairdressers. And that's one of the very few times that I've gotten that kind of response from anyone who wasn't very female presenting.

[A]

I have debates with some of my kinky friends about is the kink just the pure sensation of like, say, being flogged, or is it the meaning of being flogged, being that vulnerable, submitting to having to endure the punishment or the pain and what that means? Or is it just sensation? And it sounds like, in your case, I hesitate actually not out of a shame thing or like a kink shame thing to call it a kink because it sounds so purely sensation driven. I've never said I had a kink for those big yellow caps. It was just this reaction I couldn't control that I didn't understand. And. And it was something about sitting on that big seat, something about leaning back in that cab, something about that position. Maybe I was sitting on the nerve that runs down my back and up my dick in a certain way, but only in that cab did I ever sit on that certain way. And the rumble of the. I don't know what it was, but it was pure sensation and not meaning. And it sounds like for you this is sensation, not meaning, which is why it worked even when men did it for you.

[C]

I think it's mostly sensation, but there's definitely some meaning. I mean, the. When I was able to do it with my girlfriend the second time and she washed my hair and then made out with me and then washed my hair again, and that was great.

[A]

And what was. I mean, obviously making out with your girlfriend and getting indulged in your kink, obviously that's great. What was super great about it, that you were suddenly able to enjoy this sensation driven kink. But also then in the context of that, you know, the hairdresser wants to make out with you, you get to make out with the hairdresser.

[C]

Yeah. It was the shared enthusiasm that I could be so completely indulged in my own thing and that that was being, you know, mirrored back to me.

[A]

GGG is a two way street. I hope that you've been as solicitous and indulgent of your girlfriend and your wife as they've been of you.

[C]

Yeah. The half joke, half serious is that my girlfriend is doing her absolute best to corrupt me and it's working.

[A]

All right, Mitchell, thank you so much for coming on after Action Report and sharing your really unique kink and really unique story. And boy you won the girlfriend Olympics there and the wife Olympics too. And thank you for representing the male PUD community, the male former PUD community so ably.

[C]

Well thank you for listening to my story and yeah, absolute love to you your listeners.

[A]

Thank you so much Mitchell. It was great talking with you. Thank you Mitchell. And thank you to Mitchell's girlfriend for being such a great GGG girlfriend. And thank you to Mitchell's wife for being such a great GGG wife and allowing Mitchell to have a girlfriend in the first place. And thank you to Mitchell for calling in to tell us about his new hair care routine. Really thank you to all involved. If you have a story to warm our hearts or that will send shivers down all of our spines, write about it. Send it to us at Qavage Love and you may be my next guest here on After Action Report. After Action Report this episode of the Savage Lovecast is brought to you by Load Boost by VB Health. Load Boost is a supplement designed to improve the taste, the volume and the overall health of your semen. If you're already putting in the work, why not make your performance unforgettable? Made in the USA NSF certified and produced in an FDA registered facility. Thousands of guys across 50 states and 45 countries swear by loadboost. If you want bigger finishes and better reviews from your audiences. If you want better taste, better mouthfeel, go to loadboost.com today and use code savage for 10% off or click the link in this week's episode description that's loadboost.com and use offer Code Savage. When I found out I was gonna be a parent, I immediately felt a lot of anxiety and worry. So I went on to BetterHelp to

[C]

try to look for a therapist to

[A]

help me with that.

[C]

My relationship with my family and with my boyfriend and with myself were suffering. I really needed help. I was ruminating a lot. Really getting those thoughts out to a therapist and getting feedback while was just life changing.

[A]

Discover what better help online therapy can do for you. Visit betterhelp.com today.