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- [00:00]
A
We all need advice, but it's not always clear who to ask. Even in 2026. Sometimes even I don't know where to go for advice. Which is why I recommend checking out how to the Long Standing Advice show and 2026Ambie Award nominated Best Personal Growth Podcast. It's hosted by my friend and award winning journalist Mike Pesca. You might be familiar with Mike's work on the just the longest running daily news podcast. Each week on How To, Mike tackles a listener question, including one of mine, ranging from mental health and finance to relationships and beyond. And he gets help from world class experts who actually know what they're talking about. Think of it as eavesdropping on someone else's therapy session without the copay or the awkward silence or the stares. No question is too big or too specific. I was happy again to appear in a recent episode of how to focused on the topic of how to emigrate as a throuple. How how to is a great companion to our show and you will learn something new listening to How To. I always learn something new every time I listen to Mike. So follow how to with Mike Pesca on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts and let them know the Lovecast sent you.
- [01:19]
B
You're listening to After Action Report at Savage. After Action Report.
- [01:26]
A
Welcome to After Action Report, where dreams really do come tr this week hear how three cherries lined up and Victor hit the jackpot. Joining me for this After Action Report. Victor. Victor, welcome to the show. Thank you so much for coming on.
- [01:42]
B
Thank you for having me, Dan.
- [01:44]
A
So before we get to what you did, people wanna know a little bit about who you are. Who is Victor? Give us a little bit of your backstory.
- [01:51]
B
Yeah, so I'm a 55 year old queer, cis open married to a woman in an open marriage and until about eight years ago I was straigh vanilla monogamous. And then my wife brought up the topic of an open marriage, which I know is the exception to the rule. And we, we decided to explore it. We were both interested in exploring kinks and sexuality that we don't necessarily share. And really you can't explore sexuality with one gender if you want to explore other genders. So we opened up, we stepped in the shit a bit, but overall it's been a pretty good experience. We've been enjoying it and now we're quite different people.
- [02:29]
A
So it was your wife's idea, but it doesn't sound like you were ever pud poly under duress. You were open to the idea when she brought it up.
- [02:36]
B
Correct. We actually talked about it for quite a long time before actually opening up. But the conversation was always very friendly and amicable and we were both open to the idea. It was really, we were both more afraid of like, you can't put it back in the box. So what if something goes horribly wrong? That was really the hardest part.
- [02:53]
A
It is true. It is a one way door. It's an airlock that you pass through and you can't back the fuck up. You were monogamous, you opened the relationship. Even if you close it back up, there will always have been that moment where it wasn't a monogamous relationship. And it does change a relationship, which is something that people who are thinking about opening the relationship really do need to consider before opening the relationship.
- [03:14]
B
Exactly. Yes.
- [03:16]
A
So I gotta say, I don't want to be like, lookest, you are the youngest looking mid-50s man I have ever seen in my life.
- [03:24]
B
Thank you for that.
- [03:25]
A
Do you sleep in a vat of formaldehyde or something? How do you do it?
- [03:28]
B
Honestly, part of this journey that even led to the open marriage is that I was a raver in the 90s. I wasn't raving in the aughts and so on. And I got back into it, into the scene. And here I was hanging out with these 25 year olds and dancing, you know, 6, 8, 12 hours at a time. And between that and I do endurance cycling, which is, I'm a bit of a masochist. I really enjoy just getting on the bike and riding for 18 or 20 hours and then sleeping for a day. So I think that's a part of anything.
- [03:58]
A
For six hours. I can't sleep for six hours. Hours. I'm so jealous of your stamina and not to mention your skincare routine. All right, I'm gonna stop objectifying you. What is it that you tried? What was the new experience you wanted to share with us here on After Action Report?
- [04:11]
B
Yeah, so it's kind of, it's kind of a combination of three things. But the biggest part of it was I had actually called in previously asking the question, hey, as a, as a queer man who wants to bottom but isn't all that attracted to men and doesn't want to just hook up. It's hard to find men who are interested in like making a connection and being even friends with benefits. And on top of that, because I'm still more attracted to the female form or trans and androgynous actually is kind of my sweet spot lately, I was very interested in bottoming for a trans woman. And I called in asking you like, how can I find a pre op trans woman when there's so many scams out there? And like I'm willing to even hire somebody. And you said first stop calling the pre op. Which was a good lesson to learn. And it's funny cause there's no standard term. Seems to be some like at least acceptable when you're trying to identify what the genitals are.
- [05:08]
A
Yeah, I don't want. Let me jump in here. I don't like to be the person who scolds. But pre op. The reason trans people regard pre op as problematic is not all trans people get bottom surgeries.
- [05:20]
B
Exactly.
- [05:21]
A
And so it doesn't make a trans woman not yet a woman if she hasn't had bottom surgery. Some trans women keep their genitals. Bottom surgery on both sides has a high risk of complic. People don't have body dysmorphia about their genitalia. It's only their secondary sex characteristics. So saying pre op sort of like positions a trans woman who is comfortable with her dick and wants to keep her dick as somehow not yet there. Fully. Not yet a woman. Fully. And so that's why there's been this rejection of pre op post op as these kind of this binary in transland and the adaptation of just don't talk about it, you don't have to talk about it or non op that this person is choosing not to have the operation. And it doesn't make them not who they are, not a woman or a man, depending on which side they transition from.
- [06:15]
B
Right, exactly. And I decided I really did want to kind of cut through the muck and cut to the chase. And I went on Tryst looking to pay for a service and found a lot of opportunities. But the thing I was most afraid of was not the experience, it was a scam. And what that scam could be.
- [06:33]
A
Quickly tell us what Trist is for people who don't already know.
- [06:35]
B
So Trist is a site where people can can post a profile and offer their services as a sex worker. So they're offering often very specific services. And that was part of what made this a good route for me to be able to seek out a trans woman who tops who is in my area, who I find desirable, et cetera. And what ended up happening was I'd also always had this desire of being with a non op trans woman. I've been with several trans partners. I've had great relationships. I'm with one now, but hadn't been as a bottom and really wanted to experience this. And I'd played with toys and everything, but there's just something different to there being a person attached. Yes. So I did find this person who's actually based in California. I'm in New York. But she said, I travel frequently for regulars, and when I'm in town, I offer my services. So we found a date where she was gonna be in a hotel in and made the arrangements. And the conversation felt comfortable enough. It was on WhatsApp, so it wasn't like. It didn't feel like. It was, like, overly secretive in a way that might hide something. I was still very nervous when we met up and entered the room and said, I kind of hate to do this, but just asking the question, like, are you affiliated with the police? And she said, no, and I'm so great. Neither am I. And I don't know, the kind of smile and chuckle from her just kind of loosened things up and felt pretty comfortable from there.
- [08:04]
A
For the record, people once believed that if you asked a cop if they were a cop, they had to tell you. And so people going into a room to buy pot from somebody or people meeting up with a sex worker would say, are you affiliated with the police or the authorities, or are you a cop? Under the impression that if they were a cop, they'd have to out themselves and you could run away before you committed the crime. And it's not actually true. You can ask a cop, an undercover cop, if they're a cop and they're allowed to say no.
- [08:32]
B
Yeah. And I was. I don't know, it was just a comfort thing. I feel a little silly about it, but also, I kind of hoped, like, if I saw a reaction of some sort or whatever. But no matter, you know, she was really stunning. She looked like her profile. You know, everything matched up. It felt really comfortable. And she had said, like, I'm really good with first timers. I can be gentle. I can be rough. And I wasn't quite sure what I wanted at that point. But this is what sort of led to kind of the third thing coming into this equation of having never done, which is having never been a sub. I always thought of myself as being a switch. I think, as I joked earlier about endurance cycling, I have a masochistic side, but I never really got to explore it. I've always ended up just being the dom in any relationship that had that dynamic. And I expressed that to her, and she said, well, let's play with that. And I Said, great. You know, there was that awkward moment of we've just had a conversation, and we're shifting from conversation to take off all your clothes and get down to it. So that was the only hard part about it being a sex worker versus some sort of date. There's kind of a clock running and there's. There's an objective.
- [09:42]
A
Yeah.
- [09:43]
B
And. And I thought immediately as. As she was like, go ahead and get undressed. You know, I was wondering if I was gonna then suffer some performance anxiety. But the moment she got undressed and got in with me and started playing with me and started very gently, you know, my mind left anything else. It was. It was very much on her, on this experience. And she first just started by. By just getting me. Getting me warmed up and touching and playing. She was very sexy in putting the condoms on. And. And. And I find that really, really helpful because that's a moment that can sometimes ruin. Not ruin, but interfere with things. And then she started to get dominant. And the first thing was I was laying on my back. She was sort of sitting on my stomach, and rather than back up on me, she came forward and was like, you need to suck my dick. And I was so turned on in that moment of like, yes, ma'. Am. Like, this is. I'm here. I'm here to do what you tell me to do. Now, of course, we'd set the scene as she's doing what I wanted, but that's kind of the whole point of the sub is actually controlling the scene, not the dom. The dom is just there to enact it properly.
- [10:57]
A
Yeah. The sub's desire sets the scene in motion. And a good dom knows how to unroll the scene in such a way that the dom can suspend their disbelief. And it wasn't all set in motion by. Or the sub can suspend their disbelief. And it wasn't all set in motion by the sub. That's where a talented dom's skill really manifests itself. Where you've negotiated with a sub, you've gotten their permission for X, Y and Z happening, and then you begin to play, and the sub kind of forgets or is able to pretend not to know what's coming next. All right, so you went into this. Cause you've been penetrated by toys, you're queer, you've been with other trans women and androgynous women in the past, but you've never been penetrated. So the moment comes, you're about to be penetrated. Do you have to will yourself to stay in the room? Were you thinking about Kool aid manning your way out of there. At that moment, did you have any, like, moment of gay panic even though you were with a woman? So it was a straight sex act, but did you like the dick going into your butt? Did you have a moment of gay panic or were you just, fuck me, ma', am. Fuck me.
- [12:03]
B
Oh, absolutely no panic. She had me so fired up. She had me so turned on. And also the, like, suck my dick and sucking her dick put me into. It was an instant subspace. I was in that do, do with me what you will mode at that moment. And when she then repositioned herself, put my legs up kind of over my shoulders and put herself behind me and said. And she said. She was, like, very descriptive. She's, I am going to fuck you now, and I am going to fuck you hard. Are you ready for this? And when she said, I'm going to fuck you hard, I was like, I don't know if I'm ready for this. I think so. I want it. But I have not experienced that, so I'm not yet sure. But my response was, please do. Please.
- [12:49]
A
We got two things. I got to jump in two things. She put your legs up your ankles, behind your ears, like, so you're also limber as fuck for your age. Gotta say. But her dirty talk technique is my recommended dirty talk technique part. You know, the first part, tell them what you're gonna do is so hot. You know, people are like, oh, somebody wants dirty talk. And I usually don't talk during sex. All you gotta do is describe. You have to narrate, I'm gonna fuck the shit out of you, and I'm gonna fuck the shit out of you so hard. Are you ready for that? Is beautiful. Cause it says, like, what's gonna happen? It also gets your consent again, but in a context where there's still a DS dynamic and that DS tension. But it was her checking in with you again at that moment. Are you ready for that?
- [13:36]
B
Yes.
- [13:36]
A
Like, that is. Do you still want this?
- [13:38]
B
Yes.
- [13:38]
A
Because if we go, I'm gonna go. And you were able to say, yes. Okay, so give us the moment. Give us the, like, the split second. You've never had a dick in your ass. You've had a dick in your ass. Describe that moment.
- [13:51]
B
Yeah. So, I mean, she was using a ton of lube. She was obviously experienced at this and doing it right. And I can't even recall that there was any moment of discomfort. And I definitely expected that, like, the initial penetration there would be some discomfort, but she had been Playing with me with her fingers. I can't recall if she used the clock method, but I definitely felt like there was the movement of just like getting everything ready. But that moment of penetration, all I remember was feeling that prostate stimulation and just being, just going ah, just being like, this is what I've been missing, this is what I've been wanting. And, and, and she was like, yeah. She said, I'm gonna fuck you hard. But she started very gently and she just, she was reading me and she was again doing the dirty talk, like me getting you going. And, and then she started to pick it up and she said, oh, you like it rough, don't you? You want it harder, don't you? And every time she said that I wanted more.
- [14:54]
A
Every time she said that she was getting your enthusiastic in a sexy way. People think getting consent in the moment is not hot, but if you are good at communication, getting consent in the moment can be so fucking hot. All right, so you've had toys in your butt, you've had dick shaped things in your butt before that weren't attached to a human. So you've had your prostate stimulated before.
- [15:18]
B
Yes.
- [15:19]
A
Was the more intense sensation of prostate stimulation because due to what was going on between your ears at that moment, you know, the biggest sex organ we have, our brain, and it was more erotic, more arousing because there was a, a human being with a penis inside you or was there something about it being a dick attached to a human that was nailing your prostate in a way that no toy ever could?
- [15:41]
B
Yeah, I'd say it's 80, 20 between the ears. But the 20 was the flexibility of flesh is so much different than any toy. And I could feel that. I could feel like it was filling spaces as opposed to just being in and out motion. But the in between the ears, there was the human aspect, there was the dirty talk aspect and there was of course the. My looking up at this gorgeous female form that I'm attracted to who has a dick and is fucking me with it. And just the gender fuckery, the power dynamic, all of that is I find just very, very exciting. I think it's great to just fuck with norms as much as we can. And that was turning me on. So yeah, definitely very much in my head.
- [16:30]
A
So have you had another penis in your ass or is this still the only one?
- [16:34]
B
So it's interesting because what has come from this is I have, I have two new partners, one of which is a female dom who is very down to peg me. So I'm going to get that out of that and they'll still be the, the, the female form that I desire. And the other partner is a non op trans sub. And who I have, I have been doming. So it's kind of just this interesting dynamic of being domed and then doming someone else. And with that, with the sub, we have had the discussion of for your dom, would you fuck me? And the answer is yes. That relationship is new, so we haven't gotten there yet, but. And I do you've probably gathered this from all of this. I am pretty demisexual so I like to like build things. So we're going on our third date this weekend, which actually I'm working as a consent guardian at a sex party for half the night and then we will be able to play the other half of the night. Will I get fucked? Probably not, but we're getting there so I'm looking forward to it.
- [17:35]
A
Subtop is role like you can be. I mean when you think of heterosexual male subs in opposite sex relationships, they are sometimes fucking their female dom partners. So we can infer from the existence of heterosexual male subs that you can be the sub and the top. And that's true. Also in gay relationships there are gay guys who identify as sub tops. Sub top is totally a thing. And your new partner could be a sub top. There's nothing sexier for a sub for somebody who's submissive and has a dick than to be ordered to fuck somebody not for your own pleasure, not for your dick, but for their pleasure. And at some point the DS scene is about what the dom wants and the sub serving the dom. And fucking a dom is one way a sub can serve a dom.
- [18:24]
B
And that's actually exactly what she was saying. She's like, if this dynamic is really working for us and you are really doming me, I will do anything for you. So ask or in fact tell.
- [18:37]
A
And I think it's really you say you're demisexual. And I just want to highlight that there's nothing about being demi and wanting to feel like you have a little connection that precludes being with a sex worker. The sex worker that you were with was willing to do the work of engaging with you, having an extended conversation, a negotiation with you, where you did feel a connection before that first meeting because of the conversation you had on WhatsApp, because of the way in which she was interacting with you, that made you comfortable enough even as a demisexual person to have this one off experience with a sex worker where you felt safe doing something that you'd never done before.
- [19:15]
B
Yeah, exactly. And it felt very validating to have that experience because I feel like I engaging with a sex worker is validating their work as valid. Well, that's redundant, but yes. But it also was so satisfying for me. It validated that being with a sex worker can be, as you just described, more than just a hook up. And it felt very validating also to be with somebody who has chosen a very specific body and lives that Persona, that body and uses it the way they desire. And my being able to receive that because that was also a big turn on for me was I'm getting a validation of something I desire, but seemingly something that they desire as well.
- [19:58]
A
Any advice for anybody out there who's never been fucked in the ass before by an actual deck and has thought about it and wants to try it for the first time?
- [20:06]
B
Yeah, definitely have the conversation with people you're meeting that are potentials that have been with somebody who's doing it for the first time. They know how to be both gentle and take their time, but also then pick it up if you're really enjoying it. So the dynamism of that person is going to be really important, but especially that they know how to treat somebody who's doing it for the first time and be gentle to start.
- [20:33]
A
Victor, thank you so much for coming on after Action Report and sharing this experience. It sounds amazing. There's nothing I don't love about your story. It was terrific and so much fun to hear about. Thank you for coming on the show.
- [20:45]
B
Thank you so much Dan. I appreciate it.
- [20:48]
A
Thanks Victor. That was a feel good story for our ages. It was the feel good story I needed to hear this week. If you had a new experience and you want to share whether it went as well as Victor's or it went disastrously wrong, write it up and send it to us at Qavage Love and you may be our next guest here on After Hours Action Report. After Action Report this episode of the Savage Lovecast is brought to you by Load Boost by VB Health. Load Boost is a supplement designed to improve the taste, the volume and the overall health of your semen. If you're already putting in the work, why not make your performance unforgettable? Made in the USA NSF certified and produced in an FDA registered facility. Thousands of guys across 50 states and 45 countries swear by loadboost. If you want bigger finishes and better reviews from your audiences, if you want better taste, better mouthfeel, go to loadboost.com today and use code savage for 10% off. Or click the link in this week's episode description. That's loadboost.com and use offer code Savage.