After Action Report #31

Summary

Savage Lovecast: After Action Report #31

Host: Dan Savage
Guest: Filippo
Date: May 29, 2026

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Episode Overview

This After Action Report focuses on Filippo, a Swiss man who recently explored his heteroflexibility by engaging in his first same-sex sexual experience. Filippo and Dan Savage discuss the emotional and logistical journey leading to this encounter, what it was like in the moment, and how it influenced Filippo’s understanding of his own desires and identity. The episode balances explicit exploration with affirming, non-judgmental conversation, highlighting the value of trying new experiences, open communication, and sexual self-acceptance.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Filippo’s Background

• [00:29] Filippo: Swiss, 42, “hetero flexible cis male,” in an open relationship for 15 years, recently turned polyamorous by mutual decision.
• Started with a "don't ask, don't tell" agreement; evolved to an open relationship, then to polyamory.
• Dan asks, “Whose idea was it? So it was a mutual decision?”
  Filippo: “We realized very early in our relationship that we had a concept of fidelity and a couple that was actually the same.”

What Did Filippo Try?

• Filippo tested his heteroflexibility by performing oral sex on a man for the first time.
• [01:29] Filippo: “Testing, if I may put it like that, was sucking a dick. That was really the... if you want to pinpoint or think.”

Overcoming Internal Doubt

• Filippo always felt drawn to men, but needed a woman present to feel fully aroused.
• He struggled to determine if this need was authentic or rooted in internalized homophobia.
• First learned the term “heteroflexible” on the dating app Field.
• Dan reframed the cultural criticism: “There are millions of women out there who will have sex with other women with their husband or boyfriend, but aren’t particularly interested in having sex with other women alone...But people will bag on guys who are like, I will suck a dick with my girlfriend, but I don’t wanna suck a dick by myself. And I think that’s a valid way for a guy to suck a guy’s dick.” [03:26]

The Encounter: Experience & Dynamics

• Filippo matched with a woman on Field; she was interested in a threesome with male-male contact.
• [05:15] The man in the couple identified as bisexual; Filippo’s partner was not present.
• The threesome was openly communicated and all boundaries were respected.
• Filippo describes his feelings during the experience:
  • “When I was sucking that dick, that dick was the only thing that mattered in the moment. And I had a lot of fun and a lot of pleasure sucking it.” [04:17]
  • “When we started making out, the two of us, it was downhill from there...I didn’t regret at all what I did. I was just very happy and still a little excited.” [07:47]
• No penetration occurred; no one finished orally, per agreed-upon boundaries.
• Filippo did not orgasm, feeling some pressure, but was content with the experience.

Emotional Reflection & Identity

• Filippo did not find the experience emotionally fraught; instead, he described it as natural and affirming.
• Dan on crossing a boundary: “I’ve known guys who identified as bi but had never acted on it and then sucked a dick for the first time and cried...But for you it made so much sense that it’s not a big deal and it wasn’t a fraught and high stakes emotional experience.” [06:46-07:47]
• Filippo confirmed he has masturbated thinking about the experience:
  Dan: “Okay, here’s the cocksucker test. Have you jacked off thinking about sucking a dick?”
  Filippo: “For sure.” [10:08]

Whole-Person Attraction

• Filippo enjoyed not just the act, but also intimacy with the man:
  “It was not just the dick, it was the whole experience of also making out and cuddling with the guy.” [10:31]
• Dan notes the spectrum of heteroflexibility—some may only enjoy the act, not the intimacy; Filippo enjoyed both.

Advice for First-Timers

• Filippo encourages those curious to explore:
  “If you want to do that, it means that somewhere in your brain, I mean, the envy is there, so act on it. And… don’t be afraid. It won’t change who you are. It won’t make you gay.” [12:29]
• Dan echoes: “Suck that dick. That’s good advice. It’s advice I’ve given here on the Savage Lovecast I don’t know how many times.” [13:03]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

[02:49]
Dan Savage:
"I think that people can enjoy same sex activity in a context with an opposite sex partner where it’s sort of rolled into the connection they have with that opposite sex partner in a way. Not that makes it okay. It’s perfectly, I’m sure you feel it’s perfectly okay for a man to suck a man’s dick by when there’s just two men in the room, but... there are millions of women out there who will have sex with other women with their husband or boyfriend, but aren’t particularly interested in having sex with other women alone...I think that’s a valid way for a guy to suck a guy’s dick. I wanna live in a world where the most guys are getting the most dick sucks that they can."

[04:17]
Filippo:
“When I was sucking that dick, that dick was the only thing that mattered in the moment. And I had a lot of fun and a lot of pleasure sucking it.”

[10:08]
Dan Savage:
"Okay, here’s the cocksucker test. Have you jacked off thinking about sucking a dick?"
Filippo: "For sure."
Dan: "Okay. Yay, you’re a cocksucker. Welcome to the club."

[12:29]
Filippo:
“If you want to do that, it means that somewhere in your brain, I mean, the envy is there, so act on it. And the second one is, don’t be afraid. It won’t change who you are. It won’t make you gay.”

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Important Timestamps

• 00:29 – Filippo introduces himself and explains his relationship history.
• 01:29 – Defining and describing “testing” heteroflexibility.
• 02:49–03:59 – Dan discusses cultural perceptions of mixed-gender and same-gender sexual acts.
• 04:17 – Filippo’s feelings during the act.
• 05:15 – Details about the threesome, boundaries, and couple dynamics.
• 07:47 – Filippo reflects on his emotional state during and after the experience.
• 10:08 – Dan’s “cocksucker test”; discussion of orientation.
• 12:29 – Filippo’s advice to men considering exploring same-sex activity.

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Tone & Style

The conversation is candid, sex-positive, playful, and reassuring, with Dan providing a supportive environment for Filippo’s storytelling. Humor abounds (“Welcome to Team Cocksucker. We have a jersey for you and you will have a locker assigned to you” – 10:25) as both men underline the joys of sexual exploration and reduce shame associated with non-traditional experiences.

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Takeaway

Filippo’s story is a testament to honest self-exploration, respectful boundaries, and the nuanced spectrum of human sexuality. The episode encourages listeners to trust their desires, communicate openly, and enjoy what brings them pleasure—without letting societal judgment define their sexuality or their experiences.

Transcript

[A]

You're listening to After Action Report at Savage Lo. After Action Report. Welcome to After Action Report. This week I spoke with Filippo, who proved something to himself, had a blast doing it, and is here to tell us about it. Filippo. Filippo, thank you so much for coming on the show.

[B]

Well, thank you, Dan. It's a pleasure being here.

[A]

So, before we get to the new thing it is that you tried, just tell us a little bit about yourself.

[B]

Yeah. So I'm a 42 years old hetero flexible cis male from Switzerland, and I've been in an open relationship since 15 years and it recently turned poly, not underdress by a common decision.

[A]

Whose idea was it? So it was a mutual decision?

[B]

It was a mutual decision from the. From the start, actually. We realized very early in our relationship that we had a concept of fidelity and a couple that was actually the same. So we were like, okay, let's start with a don't ask, don't tell agreement. And it turned open relationship, and now it became poly.

[A]

You tried something new. What is it that you tried?

[B]

Well, what I tried is that I was able to test my hetero flexibility to see if it was a thing or not. And it was. Spoilers.

[A]

How long have you believed yourself to be heteroflexible? And did you believe that? For a long time and only now just tested it. Did you identify as hetero flexible? Never had an opportunity to test it. And I want you to define testing it too. What was. What did. Did testing it mean?

[B]

Well, testing, if I may put it like that was sucking a dick problem. I mean, that was really the. If you want to pinpoint or think. No, no, it was have a relationship with. With another man, which is something that I was always attracted to, drawn to. But I also always had this feeling that in order to get my motor running, I sort of needed a woman in the picture to get my motor running. And my problem was that I had trouble squaring that out because I felt I wasn't sure that that came from a real pleasure of my. A real envy of mine, or if it was just some kind of homophobia that was deep inside of myself.

[A]

So describe the first blowjob you ever gave in your heteroflexible life. Tell us about it.

[B]

It was great. It was great. So, yeah, the first time I learned about hetero flexibility was when I signed up on Field and I saw that it was one of the options. I googled it and it rang a bell for me. And also I heard you talking on the podcast that sometimes to. Yeah, to get your motor running. I mean, the brain needs something and you don't have to judge what your brain needs. So I was able to make my peace with the fact that in order to really get attracted by a man and to be able to do stuff with him, I needed also a woman in the picture.

[A]

So the woman in the picture is you. Sucking a dick was partly sort of heterosexualized in the moment because it pleased her to watch you suck a dick. I'm not saying that you were straight washing, cock sucking, but for it to work for you in your erotic imagination, it had to be in a context where a woman was present. And there have been like, people have said shitty things in the past about guys who'll only suck a dick if a woman's there, that it's homophobia, it's cowardly that the woman is there to create a permission structure for him to suck a dick, which he wants to do anyway, just won't do it alone with a man. But I actually think that people can enjoy same sex activity in a context with an opposite sex partner where it's sort of rolled into the connection they have with that opposite sex partner in a way. Not that makes it okay. It's perfectly, I'm sure you feel it's perfectly okay for a man to suck a man's dick by when there's just two men in the room, but. But in a way that for him makes it erotic and appealing. And there are millions of women out there who will have sex with other women with their husband or boyfriend, but aren't particularly interested in having sex with other women alone. And people don't pile on those women to tell them that they're doing lesbian sex wrong. But people will bag on guys who are like, I will suck a dick with my girlfriend, but I don't wanna suck a dick by myself. And I think that's a valid way for a guy to suck a guy's dick. I wanna live in a world where the most guys are getting the most dick sucks that they can. And if that's guys can get their dick sucked, I'm for it.

[B]

Yeah. And when I was sucking that dick, that dick was the only thing that mattered in the moment. And I had a lot of fun and a lot of pleasure sucking it. And for me it was really a nice experience because when I was playing with the man, I was really playing with it with him. Sorry. The female was there, but I mean, there was no difference. For me it was just pure pleasure, sheer pleasure and sheer excitation of the Moment.

[A]

So I don't need his name or Social Security number. But whose dick were you sucking? And who was the woman with you? Was it your partner?

[B]

So, no, my partner. I told her about that, and she was like, fine, but I'm not very much interested in threesomes or stuff like that. And I was also okay, because for me, I mean, we know them for a long time. We never played with other couples. We lived our open relationship in separate ways, if you want. And so I found a couple on field, and so I hooked up with this couple, and so the two persons were part of a couple.

[A]

And so did he on field identify as hetero flexible too, or did he identify as bi?

[B]

He identifies as bi.

[A]

And you were like, pick me, pick me.

[B]

Well, I matched with the woman first, and then we met. We start chatting a little bit just to see if we align as you teach us. And then we went for a quick coffee, and we realized that we wanted the same thing. She also wanted to play with another man. And she knew, of course, that her boyfriend was bi. So she was like, yeah, I would be able to attribute threesome, but only if there is some contact between the two men. I don't want, like the kind of like a porn movie threesome when the two dudes are a little bit.

[A]

Yeah. Where they're orbiting the woman like two men.

[B]

Exactly. And maybe just some deep contact, but that's always that there is. So we. Yeah, so we met with the woman, and then we were like, okay, there is connection there. And she was like, I think my boyfriend is going to like you, so let's meet up, the three of us together. And that's what we did.

[A]

So does he know that his was the first dick you ever sucked?

[B]

Yes, it did. He knew? Yep.

[A]

Was he honored? Was he proud of this? Was he thrilled to be the first dick that was ever in your mouth?

[B]

He was indeed super happy because also the whole experience was really wholesome and super hot and super nice. We didn't debrief by the fact that it was the first one, but it was definitely happy that I was able to act on that with him.

[A]

And what kind of reviews did you get? It was your opening night as a cocksucker. Was he, like, good? That was good. You were good at it. And did you have any feel like, I've known guys who identified as bi but had never acted on it and then sucked a dick for the first time and cried because it felt like. Not bad tears, just like. It was a Rubicon. They really crossed a Rubicon like, you're not a cocksucker. Maybe you could think about sucking a cock. Then you have sucked a cock. You are a cocksucker. And in a deeply homophobic culture. And this like many, many years ago here in the United States, where I knew this guy that can be emotionally charged. Not necessarily a negative experience, but a fraught one. Was it a fraught experience for you? Did you look yourself in the mirror after it was over and be like, oh, my God, I've had a dick in my mouth? Were you flossing your teeth, brushing your teeth later and being like, oh, my God, I've had a dick in my mouth? Or were you just like. It made so much sense that it's not a big deal and it wasn't a fraught and high stakes emotional experience for you?

[B]

No, for me, the only moment that was a little bit difficult is it was going through the hump of making the first sexual contact with him. So when we started making out, the moment we started making out, the two of us, it was downhill from there. And the moment I had his cock in front of my mouth, it was like, oh, let's go and do this. I was super excited and it felt super nice and hot and I didn't regret at all what I did. I was just very happy and still a little bit excited.

[A]

Did he come in your mouth?

[B]

Nope. We set up some ground rules before, and I said that I didn't want to penetrate nor to be penetrated, and they were fine with it. And I said that they can penetrate each other if they wanted. And so at a certain point, the guy told me, I would like to penetrate her. Is it okay for you? And I was like, sure, no problem. Also, because someone told me that all the threesomes sometimes became twosomes. So I was prepared to that.

[A]

Who was it that told you that threesomes become twosome?

[B]

Listen, I don't know, I don't know. Someone from. From the Pacific Northwest, I guess. Not from Chicago. Sorry.

[A]

Yeah, from Chicago. Please, please, please.

[B]

Yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry. And. And so. And they were super nice about it because they were not like, okay, we are just going to do our thing all the time. There was open communication. We laughed a lot. There was a lot of nice moment and also some poses where we just reassess the situation if everyone was all right with it. And so what it was, it come in her. And it was a super hot moment for me as well, because she was lying on the bed and I was lying next to her so I could feel her Movement on me. And also they were touching me. And so it was a very intense moment as well.

[A]

Did you come during this experience?

[B]

I did come.

[A]

You did not come?

[B]

I didn't come. That was the only issue that I had is that normally I have any. I have no trouble at all getting hard and I had some trouble and also I didn't come. But it was not a big deal. It wasn't the point of the evening for me. And I, when I had, they really wanted to get me off and I felt a little bit too much pressure on me. Having two people sucking on my dick and trying to get me off. It was super hot. But at a certain point it was like, I think there is too much pressure on me. So we can call it a night and just cuddle and smoke a joint afterwards.

[A]

Okay, here's the cocksucker test. Have you jacked off thinking about sucking a dick?

[B]

For sure.

[A]

Okay. Yay, you're a cocksucker. Welcome to the club. You're the heterosexual end of the cock sucking spectrum or the heteroflexible end of the cock sucks.

[B]

Heteroflexible. Yeah.

[A]

But you are on the cock sucking spectrum with me.

[B]

Yeah. Okay, I'm glad.

[A]

Team Cocksucker. Welcome to Team Cocksucker. We have a jersey for you and you will have a locker assigned to you.

[B]

Nice. But yeah, also one thing that I was curious about because this fantasy of sucking a cock was a long one and I was curious to see if it was just the cock or the guy as well. And I was very much into the guy as well. I loved making out with it, just caressing him. And so it was not just the dick, it was the whole experience of also making out and cuddling with the guy.

[A]

Okay, well, that's different. I mean, everyone's experience is different. There are many unique sexual experiences of sexual identity and orientation out there. And there are some guys who are heteroflexible who wanna suck a dick but do not want anything else to do with the guy attached to it. A lot of those guys wind up at glory holes where it's literally just the dick they're interacting with or they wanna have a three way where they don't have to kiss the other guy, that it's about the connection with the woman, but they will play with the other dude's penis. And it really is like more of a hard limit around any other interaction besides just the cock sucking. But you interacted with this guy and have you sucked the dick since?

[B]

Yep. No, I haven't. But not because I didn't want it, but I mean, it's something I did, so I was able to at least check it from my bucket list. And now I'm like, okay, I know I won't do it again, but I don't feel that hurry. And I mean, I still have two kids and other relationship, so I'm. And also, I don't live. I live in a relatively small city, so there are not much couples that are hanging around.

[A]

Okay, so you're team Cocksucker, but you're a benchwarmer.

[B]

I'm a benchwarmer. For the moment. I'm ready to get into the field.

[A]

So any advice you would give to a guy who has not yet sucked a dick, but has thought about sucking a dick, who is mostly attracted to women and been in opposite sex relationships, think of themselves as heterosexual or heteroflexible and is curious, what would your advice be? If somebody came to you, said, I'm about to go suck a dick, maybe, or I'm thinking about getting on field, what would your advice to that guy be?

[B]

Well, the first one would be, go, go for it. Because if you're, if you want to do that, it means that somewhere in your brain, I mean, the envy is there, so act on it. And the second one is, don't be afraid. It won't change who you are. It won't make you gay. It wasn't my concern at all. I was sure that, I mean, I was who I was, but I know for some people that's also the question. When I was telling my story to some friends, they were like, okay, so now did you change a little bit your sexual orientation? Are you still hetero? And I think that if you are sure about who you are, then go for it and suck that dick.

[A]

Suck that dick. That's good advice. It's advice I've given here on the Savage Lovecast I don't know how many times. Filippo, thank you so much for coming on After Action Report and sharing your story. And I hope there's another dick in your future and your mouth very soon.

[B]

Sure, I'm looking forward to it.

[A]

Thanks, Filippo, and welcome to the Cocksucker Club. If you had a first time experience and you're brave enough to share it with me and my listeners, write to us at Qavage Love. Tell us what you did, tell us about the new thing you tried, and you could be my next guest here on After Action Report. After Action Report. This episode of the Savage Lovecast is brought to you by Load Boost by VB health. Load Boost is a supplement designed to improve the taste, the volume, and the overall health of your semen. If you're already putting in the work, why not make your performance unforgettable? Made in the usa, NSF certified and produced in an FDA registered facility. Thousands of guys across 50 states and 45 countries swear by loadboost if you want bigger finishes and better reviews from your audiences. If you want better taste, better mouthfeel, go to loadboost.com today and use code savage for 10% off. Or click the link in this week's episode description that's loadboost.com and use offer Code Savage.