After Action Report #37

Summary

Savage Lovecast – After Action Report #37

Host: Dan Savage
Guest: Heather
Date: July 10, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this episode of After Action Report, host Dan Savage dives deep into the personal experiences of Heather, a self-described “not so youngish but not too oldish” bisexual woman practicing ethical non-monogamy in the South. Heather shares a particularly unusual recent sexual encounter with a longtime partner—one involving a request that surprised even Dan in his decades of sex-advice work. The conversation also broadens to cover communication in non-monogamous relationships, kink boundaries, first-time sexual experiences, and the unique dynamics of being a secondary partner.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Meet Heather: Relationship Context & Identity

• Heather’s introduction: Bisexual, ethically non-monogamous, has “multiple partners,” and not a primary for any.
• Relationships: Emphasizes companionship, self-awareness, and honest communication.
  • “I'm ethically non monogamous…” (01:11)
  • Dan notes Heather checks in with her partner who is present during the call, confirming her status and approach to relationships. (01:24)

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2. The Unusual Request: Biting During Oral Sex

• Setup: Interview focuses on an experience with a secondary partner of six years—a “very GGG” (good, giving, game) lover.

• Incident: For the first time ever, her male partner asks her, while aroused and post-shower, to bite his penis during oral sex.

  • “For the first time ever in six years… he asked me to bite his penis.” – Heather (02:45)

• Heather’s Response: Shock and trepidation (“teeth are bad where penises are involved”), but she tries—gently at first, then progressively harder at his urging.

  • “He's like, harder, harder. Do it harder… I’m just terrified that I'm going to bite a piece of his flesh.” – Heather (03:32)

• Dan’s Take:

  • Calls the request extremely rare—"Of all the crazy, off the wall things… a man asked for teeth." (02:50)
  • Shares the only similar story he’s heard: his Uncle Jimmy, a musician, liked being bitten and convinced groupies “all men like it like this”—a “minority taste.” (05:17)

• Heather checks with another partner (a voyeur) afterward:

  • “No, no, no, no. No teeth.” – Her other partner, emphatically, reflecting the rarity (04:31)

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3. Navigating Consent and Safety in Kink

• Dan on risk, consent, and moderation:

  • “Biting a dick is a form of cock and ball torture… You always want to pull the punches.” (05:50)
  • Emphasizes need for safe words, moderation, and communication, as injury is a real risk.

• Heather’s approach moving forward:

  • “Now I’m really emphatic on the safe word because… I just can’t be held accountable to the fact that I’m doing what you asked me to and I hurt you.” (06:56)

• Goldilocks Pain Zone:

  • “You want to hurt them just right. You want to hurt the Goldilocks pain zone where it's not too soft… not pulling blood, but you're not doing real damage.” – Dan (07:18)

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4. Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On caution and “universal” techniques:
  • "Don’t get any ideas about this being a universally applicable technique." – Dan (04:31)
• Humor in kink:
  • “A little bit of apocalypse now. Who doesn't? I love the taste of…raw dick in the morning.” – Dan (06:48)
• Being a unicorn:
  • “I exist. I am that unicorn fairy off to the side over here. Yes.” – Heather, on women who love both oral and anal sex (10:51)
• On being a secondary partner:
  • “Being the secondary isn’t a consolation prize… You want to be the secondary?” – Dan (11:46)
  • “Yeah, I don’t mind it...Never a bride. That’s a T-shirt...by choice.” – Heather (11:48)

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5. Expanding on Anal Sex & Sexual Firsts

• Heather as “first anal partner” for her lover:

  • Heather recounts both "impromptu" and then improved, well-prepared anal sex with a partner for whom she was “his first anal partner.”
  • Conversation about communication, consent signals, and the importance of lube.

• Dan’s commentary:

  • Advocates that anyone wanting to “give it” should be willing to “receive it”—both with anal and kinky sex.
  • “There are some people on the kink scene who haven’t experienced what they’re doing to others and sometimes don’t realize how intense… what they’re interested in doing can be…” (10:19)

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6. Non-Monogamy, Communication, and Relational Labels

• Secondary/tertiary relationships as real relationships:

  • Heather: “I’ve actually not been in a committed relationship for the better part of 10 years…But you have relationships.”
  • “I think we need just like the term relationship needs to be a little bit more elastic…Those are relationships and they deserve the dignity of being described that way.” – Dan (12:03)

• Emphasis on communication, safety, and support in poly arrangements:

  • “We all have excellent communication and get tested regularly and all that kind of stuff. So I'm very, very lucky.” – Heather (11:35)

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Notable Segment Timestamps

• 01:06 – Heather introduces herself and her relationship style.
• 02:45 – Heather describes being asked to bite her partner’s penis.
• 04:31 – Heather’s other partner’s negative reaction to the idea (“No teeth!”).
• 05:17 – Dan’s anecdote about his Uncle Jimmy and the myth of “all men like it like this.”
• 06:56 – Heather affirms importance of a safe word post-experience.
• 07:18 – Dan on “Goldilocks pain zone” and hurting “just right.”
• 10:51 – Heather affirms her existence as a sex-positive, exploratory woman.
• 11:46 – Dan and Heather discuss choosing and celebrating “secondary” status.
• 12:03 – Reframing the definition of relationships in non-monogamy.

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Tone and Takeaways

The episode is candid, humorous, and deeply empathetic—hallmarks of Dan Savage’s advice. Heather is open and self-aware, candid about her nerves around new sexual territory and the conflicting “rules” of sexual etiquette. Dan brings a mix of reassurance, sex positivity, and practical wisdom, emphasizing consent, safety, and communication. The episode normalizes niche kinks as “minority tastes,” underscores the importance of negotiating boundaries, and celebrates non-traditional relationship forms.

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Final Thoughts

Heather’s story exemplifies the value of open dialogue and curiosity in adult relationships—not just about sex, but about negotiating boundaries, communicating needs, and accepting non-normative desires. Dan’s nonjudgmental approach invites all listeners, kinky or vanilla, monogamous or “always a secondary,” to reflect on what genuine consent, self-knowledge, and pleasure look like in their own lives.

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Next time on After Action Report: Listeners are invited to share their own “After Action” stories—especially the weird, rare, or memorable—for Dan to unpack in future episodes.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

You're listening to After Action Report at Savage Love.

[C]

After Action Report. Welcome to After Action Report where my listeners, Savage Lovecast listeners share the weirdest shit with me. Sometimes so weird I can't believe it. But always, always happy to hear it. This week, meet Heather. She did something only a rare select few women have ever done. Listen in. Hey Heather, welcome to the show.

[B]

Thanks so much. I'm happy to be here.

[C]

Before we get to the new thing you tried what you did, tell us a little bit about who you are.

[B]

So my name is Heather. I'm a not so youngish but not too oldish bisexual lady in the south, ethically non monogamous. I've got multiple partners. I'm not really a primary for any of them. I just kind of keep myself entertained on the side.

[C]

I love that people can't see you. We don't do video for After Action Report. But when you said I'm ethically non monogamous with a little bit of an uplift question in your voice, you glanced off screen to your partner. One of your partners is in the room with you.

[B]

I did.

[C]

And you got confirmation that in the

[B]

eyes of this place over here, you

[C]

are indeed ethically non monogamous. So that's not just a claim you've made. You had that confirmed for you.

[B]

I try not to put labels on too many things, but she's the one who is like no Heather that distinguishes yourself over here and that is over here. So yeah, she's my wise person.

[C]

I'm glad you have a wing person with you for the interview. So what is the new thing that you tried that you wanted to talk about?

[B]

I have this partner again. I'm his secondary and we've been seeing each other off and on for about six years and, and just absolutely fabulous lover, very ggg, you know, just always out for making sure that both of us are absolutely pleased. And this time around he came over, it was after work and he asked if he could shower before we started engaging in activity which is not normal. Usually he Just kind of comes in and gets right to it. But I think that as a result of that shower, he kind of relaxed and was looking to try to get himself inspired. And for the first time ever in six years of regular activity, he asked me to bite his penis.

[C]

Of all the crazy, off the wall things I've heard on this show over the last 20 years of the Savage lovecast, a man asked for teeth.

[B]

So that makes me feel so much better that in 20 years you've not heard this before, because I haven't either. And again, I had been taught that teeth are bad where penises are involved. Like, that's uncomfortable. I don't have a penis. I can't speak to that. But I've been told time and time again, and oral sex is something that I love to do. It's something I'm good at. One of my favorite compliments was, I think I saw God

[C]

right there on your soft palate with my third eye.

[B]

So when he said it, I kind of was, like, tentative and, like, gentle. And he's like, harder, harder. Do it harder. And he will. I will also say at times when I've been using my hands on him, he has asked me to squeeze or be firm. And again, I've always said, like, I feel like I'm hurting you. He's like, I promise you, you're not hurting me. I'm going to tell you if it hurts. You know, we come up with a safe word, but here I am biting onto the side, like the shaft, and he's harder, asking, asking me to do it harder. And I'm just terrified that I'm going to bite a piece of his flesh. And it was so hard to get into. But ultimately, it did help him achieve arousal and we were able to move on. But it shook me and I stopped. And I asked one of my other lovers, who's my voyeur, like, he wants to hear everything about every partner I've ever been with. And he actually loves to come over as soon as I've been with somebody else. And he was like, no, no, no, no. No teeth. No teeth.

[C]

Yeah. Don't get any ideas about this being a universally applicable technique.

[B]

Thank you. Another guy who's like, I thought I was weird, but no, no, no, no, no teeth. So I'm over here just thinking how weird he is. But I love him.

[C]

The only other time I've ever heard about it was from my Uncle Jimmy, who was a regionally famous rock star in the late 60s and 70s. They were big on the West Coast. And they had groupies. And it was the 70s and he got a lot of blow jobs from groupies and inexperienced groupies. And he liked to be bit. And he would encourage the women who were sucking his dick to bite his dick. And one of the things he liked to do was to tell them, all men like it like this. Oh, no, this is how all men like it. Because.

[B]

And there they were torturing the rest

[C]

of humanity about the next guy that this woman blew and her busting this move that my uncle Jimmy damn well knew was a minority taste.

[B]

Yeah. And I mean, I've had partners who liked to be bit elsewhere on the body, that sort of pain and pleasure thing. And as you always say, I'm not here to yuck somebody's yum. But it was weird and it took me a minute to kind. And I still think that subconsciously my brain was like, no, don't do it. Because as hard, even if I tried to bite harder, my, my jaw was like, no, I don't want to do that.

[C]

Well, that's probably good when it comes to CBT and like, biting a dick is a form of cock and ball torture. You always want to pull the punches or not clench down with your jaws as hard as you probably could because you know what turns somebody on? The threat of a full force kick to the balls, which a lot of people into. Ball busting say that they want, they want you to pretend that's what you're doing, but you don't actually do that because you could rupture a testicle. You could send someone to the er Actual problems make somebody infertile by accident. It's not a shortcut to a vasectomy. If you don't want to get a vasectomy, don't take a ball busting. But it can happen. And I think the same is true here. You don't wanna bite as hard as you can, but you could tell the guy that you are, I'm fucking anaconda ing your dick right now and chewing it up with my teeth. Little bit of apocalypse now. Who doesn't? I love the taste of

[B]

raw dick in the morning.

[C]

Yeah. Of erectile tissues in the morning. Have you done it again? Is this something that now you know you can do with him?

[B]

So that was only a week ago and I really have barely even seen or spoke to him since that interaction. But I mean, I have seen him and he was agreeable and pleasant, but not in the bedroom. And so now I'm really emphatic on the safe word because you Know I just can't be held accountable to the fact that I'm doing what you asked me to and I hurt you.

[C]

Yeah, it is. That is a tricky place for someone who's ggg and kind to animals and lovers and humans to go where someone is asking you to hurt them and you want to hurt them just right. You want to hurt the Goldilocks pain zone where it's not too soft that they're not feeling and it's not pulling blood, but you're not doing real damage. And sounds like you hit that Goldilocks zone with his just right. It was just fine.

[B]

Apparently I must have done something right cause he was able to continue on and finish and have a nice time.

[C]

So how did it end? Did it end with.

[B]

Oh, I knew you were gonna ask me that.

[C]

I always wanna know. I mean, I'm a dude. I'm a little orgasm centric. I know sometimes it can end with everybody just like glowing from the intimacy and the skin to skin contact. It doesn't have to end in you having an orgasm. Hibbing an orgasm. But that is where my brain goes and I think it's where my listeners wanna hear about too. Like, how'd this play wrap up?

[B]

I almost wish that he were here to give his after action report because I was his first anal partner.

[C]

So in that same session, not this.

[B]

No, not this experience. This was actually his second foray into that with me. And the first time, what was it? You just had an episode about unplanned anal or an unexpected anal? You just had impromptu anal. So the last time he had been there, impromptu anal. And I was like, sir, let's have a talk. This is not how that works.

[C]

Oh, so no, you didn't have impromptu anal. Hey, pitched anal.

[B]

We did have impromptu anal, but it was unprepared. And so the next time when he tried it, I was like, so this is what lube looks like.

[C]

Oh, was it an accident?

[B]

No, no, no. He did it intentionally and I was just overly nice and accommodated him. But don't make that face at me.

[C]

Well, I just. As a, as someone who gets fucked in the ass as a general rule,

[B]

I know it was bad.

[C]

There has to be lube. There has to be a move toward it. Hopefully there was maybe non verbal communication going on where.

[B]

Yes, I mean, I authorized it.

[C]

He put your dick in your ass? Yeah, no, 100% approached your ass with his dick and you sent signals that this was okay to proceed.

[B]

I said, what you doing back there?

[C]

Oh my God, that's really that'd be like fucking Miss Rachel in the ass. Oh, we're a big boy now.

[B]

But after. I didn't know. But it makes sense that he didn't really understand the full dynamic there. I didn't know until afterwards that that was his first time.

[C]

That was his first time having it.

[B]

His first time doing that. Not mine, his.

[C]

Oh, my God. I mean, I'm pro that. Like, I'm trying to wrap my head around that. I know. I mean, this is one of the reasons why I think anybody who wants to fuck a butt should have their butt fucked, if not first, at some point.

[B]

I completely agree with you. And actually, we have that conversation all the time, my girlfriend and I, because if you're gonna give it, you have to be willing to receive it.

[C]

And I think that's true of vanilla sex. I also think that's true of kinky sex. There are some people out there on the kink scene who haven't experienced what they're doing to others and sometimes don't realize how intense, physically or emotionally, what it is that they're interested in doing. Can be for someone in the sub position.

[B]

Agreed.

[C]

You should try it. You should taste your own cook. So as a general zooming out to 30,000ft question, you are a woman who enjoys sucking dick and enjoys having her ass fucked. People sometimes claim that women like you don't exist.

[B]

I exist. I am that unicorn fairy off to the side over here. Yes. I have always been very explorative in that regard, and I actually love it when it's somebody's first time doing something because I'm like. I take pride in the fact that I can kind of educate somebody in a positive way. But, yeah, no, I've always been that way. And I'm really, really grateful that I found because these partners that I've had, they've been the same four that I've had for one of them has been more than a decade. Most of them have been many, many years. And they just. They're never here all the time because I am their secondary partner. But I'm very grateful that they're safe. We, you know, we all have excellent communication and get tested regularly and all that kind of stuff. So I'm very, very lucky.

[C]

That's great. And also, in addition to representing proudly women who like to get fucked in the butt, women who love to suck a dick, you're representing proudly people who being the secondary isn't a consolation prize.

[B]

Right.

[C]

You want to be the secondary?

[B]

Yeah, I don't mind it.

[C]

Always a Secondary, never a bride. That's a T shirt that you could wear, but by choice. And happy to be the secondary.

[B]

Yeah. I've actually not been in a committed relationship for the better part of 10 years.

[C]

But you have relationships.

[B]

I do. They are they in fact committed relationships for sure. Absolutely.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. I think we need just like the term relationship needs to be a little bit more elastic, I guess.

[B]

Monogamous relationship. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. We haven't been in an exclusive relationship. It should have to be qualified like those of us who have secondary and tertiary partners. Those are relationships.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

And they deserve the dignity of being described that way.

[B]

Agreed.

[C]

I'm glad we could come to that agreement.

[B]

Thank you for helping me find it.

[C]

I'm glad we could come to that agreement. We will get the memorandum of understanding to you to be signed and be signed by me and taken seriously. Danny. Reckon representatives. Not that there's anything funny about what the fuck is going on in the world.

[B]

No, no. But that was funny.

[C]

Laugh or cry or die. Heather, thank you so much for coming on the show. It was a real blast chatting with you and getting to meet up there in the corner, your partner.

[B]

Thank you again for asking me to be here.

[C]

Thank you, Heather. Thank you, brave Heather. And thanks to Heather's partners for providing emotional support. We see you. If you have a new experience you want the world to know about. If you need to unpack it with. Unpack it with me. Send the details, tell us what you did to Qavage love, and you might be my next guest on after action. After Action report.