Savage Love Episode 1027

Summary

Savage Lovecast – Episode 1027
Host: Dan Savage
Date: July 14, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of the Savage Lovecast is classic Dan Savage: a sharp, often irreverent blend of sex and relationship advice, LGBTQ+ commentary, and cultural criticism. The show opens with a darkly comedic eulogy for Senator Lindsey Graham, segues into a deep dive on the summer 2026 “hand stuff” sex trend, and then features listener calls on topics ranging from praise kinks, public nudity at Pride, and dealing with tricky friendship-sex dynamics, to medical issues involving erections and butt plug safety. As always, Dan dispenses candid advice, hard truths, and biting humor.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Lindsey Graham’s Death – A Savage Eulogy

[00:22 – 02:42]

• Dan opens with a satirical obituary for Lindsey Graham, noting the irony of his “openly closeted” status.
• “Graham died doing what he loved, eating Donald Trump’s ass. We should all be so lucky as to die doing what we love.” (Dan Savage, 00:37)
• Commentary on internet memes and discourse: Dan reflects on how real-time events like Graham's passing get woven into the cultural conversation online.
• Mentions a recommended piece: The Corruption of Lindsey Graham on The Bulwark.
• Reference to “ladybugs” meme: “Sometimes it's best not to understand a reference. Really wish I could go back...” (00:55)

2. Summer Sex Trend: Hand Stuff’s Comeback

[02:42 – 07:15]

• Dan identifies “hand stuff” (i.e., hand jobs, fingering) as the sex trend of Summer 2026, sparked by three things:
  1. A friend’s confession that he prefers hand jobs to blow jobs,
  2. A viral Subway Takes clip with Cameron Scott Roberts,
  3. Jen Mason’s essay “Why Hand Stuff is Better Than Oral Sex.”
• Quote from Cameron Scott Roberts via Subway Takes:
  • “I believe that the best hand job is better than the best blowjob because you can be close to someone…and you can’t kiss someone while you’re getting a blowjob.” (03:47)
• Jen Mason advocates for hand stuff not just for men but for women, arguing it should be seen as a destination, not just foreplay, to help close the orgasm gap.
• Dan ties this into broader cultural issues:
  • “If the straights started treating hand stuff as a destination rather than a speed bump…the orgasm gap…might finally close.” (06:32)
• Predicts concerned calls from Gen Z women about boyfriends preferring hand stuff.
• Personal anecdote: Dan points out that real eye contact and intimacy can be challenging for closeted men.

3. Listener Calls & Advice

a) Praise Kink or Compliment Requirement?

[09:01 – 15:31]

• Caller describes a need for constant compliments during sex – not just praise for good behavior but ongoing affirmation of sexiness. Wonders how to explain this requirement to new partners.
• Dan reframes this as a “low-key praise kink” or “responsive desire.”
  • “You need enthusiastic affirmations of your desirability and attractiveness... You want to hear it...over and over again during sex. You like dirty talk. This is the kind of dirty talk you like. Ask for it, and also be the dirty talk you want to see in the world.” (Dan Savage, 13:34, 14:55)
• Practical advice:
  • Be upfront; “...talk about a positive feedback loop. You tell a guy, ‘I have a kind of softcore praise kink... Tell me and tell me more than once.’”
  • Not everyone will be a fit; seek partners who enjoy talking during sex.
  • “There’s nothing about what you need here that you should be shy about sharing...” (13:17)
• Notable moment: Dan compares the need for verbal arousal to the “biggest sex organ is the one between our ears.” (11:58)

b) Nudity and Kids at Pride Parades

[15:31 – 25:35]

• Lesbian caller from Seattle is conflicted about nudity at Pride, especially with children present, and seeks Dan’s take.
• Dan’s nuanced response:
  • Acknowledges discomfort: “I’m just gonna admit it kind of make me uncomfortable too.” (17:11)
  • Notes public nudity is legal in Seattle; can't carve out exceptions just for Pride.
  • Longstanding tension: Pride was historically not kid-friendly, but as LGBTQ+ families grew, so did children’s presence.
  • Suggests practical solution: Split events—a nighttime, adults-only parade (like Sydney Mardi Gras) and a family-friendly festival the next day.
  • On media sensationalism: “The Right’s project…is to find the person most likely to cause alarm…and highlight that person.” (18:10)
  • On explaining nudity or kink to kids: “Nakedness is the thing that people do…And also pup masks…as if that was something hard to explain to a child who may have spent years dressing up as Batman.” (19:55)
• Key message: The anxiety is often more about perception than reality. The best antidote is to participate and see the full spectrum for yourself.

c) Pills, Diabetes, and Unruly Erections

[25:35 – 30:19]

• Male caller with diabetes and ED notes that his erections aren’t as firm or straight as before; asks if there are solutions.
• Dan’s detailed response:
  • Describes the anatomy, including the suspensory ligament, and consequences if it’s damaged or cut (usually after misguided enhancement surgery).
  • Possible reasons: Ligament deterioration due to age, less firm erections related to diabetes/medication.
  • Recommendations: Speak to a doctor; consider different ED meds (Viagra/Cialis/Trimix); use sex toys like cock sheaths/cock rings for more control.
  • “Sex toys, I think especially as we age. Sex toys—they are our friends.” (29:50)
  • “Love your dick. Don’t have people operate on your dick.” (28:33)

d) Messy Friendship, Sex, and Boundaries

[31:16 – 33:47]

• Caller hooked up with straight friend during a vulnerable time; remained emotionally invested; friend later hooks up (unbeknownst to caller) with another friend. Caller called him out in a group chat; friend group ostracizes the man, his long-time girlfriend leaves him. Caller asks, “Am I the bad guy?”
• Dan’s two-part answer:
  • “Two things can be true at the same time. This guy can be a user... It can also be true that…I don't want to say you were the bad guy, but you were the guy with highly unrealistic expectations who made irrational demands.” (33:47, 34:20)
  • Explains the limits of post-hookup expectations, especially when alcohol and “degree of heteroflexibility” are involved.
  • Advises therapy to help caller distinguish between feelings and fair expectations:
    • “…you need to learn to identify the sometimes irrational things that our heart wants and can want very badly… When our heart wants something big and crazy that we have no right to demand or expect, we need that other part of ourselves…that more rational angel on the other shoulder to tell us, ‘hey, dial it the fuck back.’” (36:35)

e) Butt Plug Safety – “Without a Base, Without a Trace”

[40:59 – 42:04]

• Caller has lost butt plugs inside themselves more than once, asks for advice.
• Dan’s no-nonsense guidance:
  • “I’m a little concerned. Not that your butt plugs are too big or that your asshole is too big, but perhaps your butt plugs are too small if your ass is sucking them up…” (42:04)
  • Recommends larger plugs with much wider bases; do not sleep with a butt plug in.
  • “Without a base, without a trace. If a sex toy that you use anally doesn’t have a base that’s wider than your ass can accommodate, you risk losing it inside yourself.” (42:28)

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Listener Feedback

[47:25 – 50:22]

• Advice for low-libido lesbian couples: Be more seductive, not just direct. Reference to the book Come As You Are for tips on “responsive desire.”
• Relatable call from someone whose partner enjoys dick biting: “I thought I was the only person in the world whose partner wanted their dick bitten… I feel seen.” (48:39)
• Call about proper hygiene: “If your dick smells like your girlfriend, you are not washing it well enough...” (49:50)

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• “Sometimes it’s best not to understand a reference. Really wish I could go back.” – Dan Savage, 00:55
• “Because calling it a praise kink, acknowledging that it’s a kink, walls it off from accusations of insecurity…You just need to hear it.” – Dan Savage, 14:35
• “You didn’t plant a flag in my dick. You’re not the sovereign power here.” – Dan Savage to the friend/hookup boundary caller, 36:13
• “Without a base, without a trace.” – Dan Savage, on butt plug safety, 42:28

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:22] – Lindsey Graham eulogy & commentary
• [02:42] – Summer ‘hand stuff’ trend explained
• [09:01] – Praise kink/compliment requirement call
• [15:31] – Pride Parade nudity & family-friendliness
• [25:35] – Diabetes, ED, and erection issues
• [31:16] – Friendship, sex, group drama
• [40:59] – Butt plug safety
• [47:25] – Listener feedback

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Episode Tone & Style

Dan Savage’s tone is witty, candid, explicit, and unfiltered, blending heartfelt, evidence-backed advice with his trademark sardonic wit. He demonstrates respect for listeners’ concerns while never hesitating to call out unrealistic expectations or unsafe practices. Humor, cultural references, and sex-positive ethos run throughout.

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Summary

Episode 1027 is a full-spectrum tour through contemporary sexuality as seen through Dan Savage’s eyes and audience experience: it’s practical, hilarious, sharply critical, deeply empathetic, and at times, brutally honest. Whether tackling emerging sex trends, complicated friendship dynamics, the limits of public expression, or plain mechanical issues, Savage delivers incisive advice and memorable one-liners—making this a must-listen for anyone interested in human sexuality, LGBTQ+ life, and modern romance.

Transcript

[Dan Savage]

You're listening to the Savage Lovecast, Dan Savage's sex and relationship show for grown ups. If you're under 18, get out of here, youngin.

If you're stuck in a relationship quandary, or if you're looking for sexual harmony,

well, there's nothing you can't ask

on the Savage podcast. Lindsey Graham is is dead. Our first openly closeted US Senator was taken from us in the bloom of youth, at least by congressional standards. At just 71 years of age, Graham was reportedly on the phone with Donald Trump right before he had the heart attack that killed him late Saturday night. Which means Graham died doing what he loved, eating Donald Trump's ass. We should all be so lucky as to die doing what we love. I mean, not that other thing. And, and hey, let's pour one out for the EMTs who had to close Graham's eyes and then carefully remove his tongue from Donald Trump's ass. That can't be easy work considering how many senators and congressmen's tongues are up there. Can't be easy to find the one you're looking for. Like finding a tongue in a tongue stack. Nothing much to add to the Lindsey Graham is dead discourse at this point. Ben Horse was beaten to death within 12 hours of the news breaking. But but for those of us who are lucky enough to be online as the story broke, we will always have the memories of the memes we shared. If you're interested in a deeper dive into Graham's life, if you want to learn more about the selling of the anal polyp that passed for his soul, Will Salatin's three part audio series on the Bulwark, the Corruption of Lindsey Graham is an amazing piece of audio journalism. It's an amazing piece of journalism, period. We will put a link in the show. Notes let's Last word on Graham's passing goes to fairygothmother, Maryland, who posted this to Twitter. Didn't know why people were saying ladybugs in reference to Lindsey Graham until today. Sometimes it's best to not understand a reference. Really wish I could go back if you've seen that ladybugs reference kicking around, or if you just heard about it here from me and you don't know what it refers to exactly. Learn from Fairy gothmother's mistake and do not Google it. In other news, I think we might have a sex trend on our hands for the summer of 2026. A sex trend all over our hands, in our hands, running through our fingers. The trend started, at least for me, when a Friend, a very special guest star kind of friend, admitted to me that he prefers hand jobs to blow jobs. Not just mine. He was quick to reassure me, but anybody's. The very next day, as if I needed more evidence that my phone is listening to all of my conversations. The very next day, the the algo plopped this reel into my Instagram feed.

So what's your take? Hand jobs over blowjobs? Handjobs are better than blowjobs. Hand jobs are better than blowjobs.

[Caller 1]

100% agree.

[Dan Savage]

Yes.

Come on.

You're so excited. Cause it's true. And I would like to say that there is this notion in the world and.

Wait.

First of all, any type of human connection is beautiful. Blowjobs, handjobs, we'll take them. All right. Like it's an amazing thing. And I think intimacy is at an all time low in this country and I think people aren't making love enough and I want you guys to do that. But I think there's a notion that all men want is to get their D sucked. And I'm here to say that I think that that notion is a little bit blown out of. No pun intended. Well, here's what I'll say. I feel like because of pop culture and pornography, which I'm against.

[Caller 1]

Same.

[Dan Savage]

They have made you believe that the blow job is more important than the hand job. Yes, but I believe that the best hand job is better than the best

blowjob because you can be close to someone and their face can be with you and you can can't kiss someone while you're getting a blowjob. Yes, and kissing is like what everybody wants at the end of the day.

That's a clip from Subway Takes, the hit Internet talk show hosted by comedian Kareem Rama. Rama interviews big stars, powerful politicians and your average Joe blows on the New York City subway. The man with the hot blowjob take. Or the could take or leave the blowjob take. Cameron Scott Roberts, actor and musician. You may know him from the Walking Dead and other shows. He makes a good case for the handjob over the blowjob. I am a blowjob over handjob guy myself. But again, before I could even begin to compose my blowjob defense substack. Also listening in Push to Peace by Jen Mason, sexologist, writer, owner of the Wink Wink Boutique sex shop, right to the top of my feed in why Hand stuff is better than Oral sex, Mason argues that hand handjobs aren't just better for men, they're better for women. Too. Straight sex has a particular problem with deprioritizing fingering because the whole encounter gets fast tracked to penetrative sex, mason writes. If the straights started treating hand stuff as a destination rather than a speed bump, which is something I've been arguing for for decades, the orgasm gap between men and women who have sex with them might finally close. Fingering can go wrong, mason admits later in the piece. If it's ever felt like someone was trying to rub a stain out of your lab, you know it requires skill. I'm just saying that hand stuff doesn't have to be an obligatory warmup done properly. It doesn't just lead to the main event. It is the main event. That convo with my friend that Cameron Scott Roberts interview on Subway Takes that substack post by Jen Mason I am ready to call it three Makes a Trend so hand stuff officially the sex trend of summer 2026. And it is a good trend and one I think should be embraced by Gen Z, which is having trouble getting started sexually because hand stuff? Low stakes, low risk. I predict, though, that if this trend takes off, the trend for sex questions around here this fall will be letters and calls from girls worried their boyfriends are secretly gay because their boyfriends didn't want blow jobs, just hand jobs. The bar for secretly gay boyfriend worry is set low, especially when people are young, Lindsey Graham excluded. Closeted boys tend to be younger, so a young woman has perhaps more reason to worry that the boy she's dating might be secretly gay, particularly if she met him in her musical theater program. The list of things that can trigger this anxiety in young women is a long one. I got a letter once from a young woman who was worried that her boyfriend was gay because he kept complimenting her butt. I assured her that while all gay men are ass men, not all ass men are gay men. So let me get out in front of this girls, Gen Z girls and young women. When I was a closeted young man, I preferred blowjobs to hand jobs from my girlfriend because looking her in the eye and kissing one of the perks of the handjob, according to both Cameron Scott Roberts and Jen Mason. Yeah, that eye contact made it really hard for me, her closeted gay boyfriend, to pretend she was a dude. All right, coming out of this week's show, Pride Month just ended, but the arguments about pride never end. A lesbian with a pregnant wife worries that Pride parades are decidedly unfamily friendly events and wants to know what can be done about it. We also take a call from a woman who needs to be told she's hot so much during sex that she wonders if it's a kink. And on the Magnum, if you've not yet fallen in love with the brilliant comedian, actor and podcast host Brian Saffi, you will Today Magnum Subs we talk all about his new solo one man show Are youe Mad At Me? Currently running through August 15th in New York City. And then delve into foot worship to get more Savage Love. More Savage Love cast with more guests, more calls, no ads plus sex and politics and invites to Savage Love Live. Become a Magnum sub now at Savage Love and support the show. All right, on to this week's first question. This episode is brought to you by forea, makers of life changing all natural organic formulas for your most intimate needs. Shop 30% off site wide during their National Orgasm day sale from July 30th to August 2nd. Just go to fouriawellness.com to get 30% off your order during this big sale. That's F O-R-I a wellness.com for 30% off. No code needed.

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[Caller 2]

Hi Dan, Husband and I just opened our relationship after a long time and I had a great relationship with a dude that ended and I'm not able to find anything similar since I tried to do some research about myself and what I like to understand why this is happening and to maybe explain to other dudes that I'm dating what I need and and how to turn me on. So the closest thing that I I found is a praise kink. I don't hear you talk about that a lot on your podcast and I don't think I have the classical praise kink where like I'm doing something good and and the person is telling me I'm a good girl. Like I like that. But what really gets me turned on is more like a compliment kink. Like I know everybody likes getting compliments but for me it's just a requirement to get turned on and stay turned on. I Need dudes to just tell me how incredibly fucking sexy I am all the time. And when they do, then I'm really, really turned on and it's hard to turn me off. And another part, a smaller part of that, which is turning me on is also giving those praises to incredibly sexy dudes who are into me. So with a guy that I was dating and it was so good, I think that we both had this. I don't know, again, I don't think it's a praise kink, but whatever this is, we both had it. And it made this wonderful feed forward loop where he would compliment me and I would compliment him and we would just get turned on by that so much. So how do I explain that to new guys that I meet?

[Dan Savage]

You could just ask the next guy that you're gonna go to bed with if he's seen a Trump cabinet meeting and tell him just like that. That's what I need. Just like that. Keep the compliments coming. Look, these are the keys to the kingdom. This is what turns you on and keeps you turned on. And you explained it to me really well. It's sort of not quite a praise kink. You just need enthusiastic consent, of course, and then enthusiastic affirmations of your desirability and attractiveness. I feel like this is just kind of a subsidiary or rivulet of responsive desire that would kicks you into gear. What makes you horny and wanna is to feel so hot for the person that you're with to be so overwhelmingly attracted to you that they literally can't shut the fuck up. That it's not enough that they're showing you with their attention, with their body, with their boner, that they think you're hot and want to be with you. You need to hear it too. What is that thing that we always used to say or I always used to hear less. So now I don't know why it's still true that the. Our biggest sex organ is the one between our ears. And you need that one lit up audibly. Not just visually, not just tactile sensation, not just touch. You need shit bouncing off your eardrums. Tell a guy that you know a guy's going to bed with you for the first time, he wants to get it right. And you talk about a positive feedback loop. You tell a guy I have a kind of softcore praise kink, kind of low key praise kink. Do I turn you on? Do you like these tits? Do you like this ass? Tell me and tell me more than once and I'm going to do the same. I'm going to talk. I think you're really fucking hot. And I'm going to tell you. Some people are comfortable with dirty talk, Some people are not. Somebody who's not comfortable having conversations during sex may not be the ideal sex partner for you, but somebody who can run his mouth and his dick at the same time. Those guys are out there. You already stumbled over one. There might be other guys out there who are just as eager to run their mouths along with their dick, but they may have been with women who didn't want to hear it, who wanted them to show, not tell. And what you want is show and tell. It's not a big ask. It's nothing that you should feel inhibited about. And again, it's the keys to the kingdom. It's what a guy needs to know to turn you on, keep you turned on and keep the sex hot and keep you going. And you never want to be shy about sharing that with someone. We're all flying blind the first time we have sex with a new partner. And everyone feels inhibited about asking for exactly what they want, exactly how they want it. People don't necessarily want to be prescriptive. You want to leave some room for improv and surprise for your partner to bust a move that you didn't ask for, didn't expect, but really enjoy, and may enter your erotic or sexual repertoire after that experience. But it's also good going into it to tell someone what works for and on you. And there's nothing about what you need here that you should be shy about sharing with someone. Thank God we now have praise kink as a catch all for your particular needs. Other people's particular needs maybe in kinkier contexts. Because calling it a praise kink, acknowledging that it's a kink, I guess walls it off from accusations of insecurity or egoism or, God forbid, narcissism. You just need to hear it. You want to hear it. You want to know and be told over and over and over again during sex. You like dirty talk. This is the kind of dirty talk you like. Ask for it, and also be the dirty talk you want to see in the world. Praise the guy you say you did praise the guy. If a guy doesn't know quite how to do it, you can show him by doing it first.

[Caller 3]

Hi Dan, I'm a lesbian woman who is living in Seattle and I have a Seattle based question for Dan. My wife and I were not at Seattle Pride this year because she is pregnant and she is in the first trimester, and she is feeling very nauseous. But me and my friends have had a lot of arguments and disagreements over what happened at Seattle Pride. I am all for Pride. I've always been for Pride. I'm in my mid-30s. But as you probably know, there was a lot of naked walkers at Seattle Pride, and there was also a lot of kids at Pride. And I'm hoping to bring our child to Pride. It kind of just makes me feel very uncomfortable. I know it was definitely used as like a talking point for the right wing media. And I'm just. I don't know how to feel about it. A lot of my friends are like, it's Pride. We've got to show ourselves. We've got to free ourselves and chains of these things. But again, I am uncomfortable with the old age idea that, you know, gay people or people who have fetishes or have alternative lifestyles are not safe around kids. And that is something that really, really, it's a lot to deal with. I know you must have heard the story. Do you have any thoughts on this and where do we go in the future?

[Dan Savage]

Any conversation about who does or does not belong at Pride, if you followed to its logical conclusion, there would have to be then some control mechanism that allows or disallows certain people or groups from showing up at Pride. How exactly would that work? Would it become a fenced off event? Would you need an armband to get into it? I don't know how to control for the excesses that make you uncomfortable. And I'm just gonna admit it kind of make me uncomfortable too. There's not an E in LGBTQIA2s ampersand. There's not an E for exhibitionists and exhibitionism. And it does seem to me, when I've been at Pride and seen naked people, I'm not entirely convinced that all of the naked people I see at Pride are gay or lesbian or bi or. Or trans. I think some of the naked people at Pride, some of the naked people just strolling around with their dicks out at events like Folsom in San Francisco, are opportunistic straight male exhibitionists who are seizing the opportunity of the Pride Parade to show their dicks. All that said, public nudity is legal in Seattle so long as you're not aroused. Public nudity is legal in San Francisco. And we can't have a rule that public nudity is allowed Everywhere in Seattle 365 days a year, except this one morning when there's a Pride parade. And again, how would you enforce that? You know, a whole bunch of years ago, there's been this tension at Pride for a long time. Once people started bringing kids to Pride, once it became a family event, this tension between it being about adults, adult sexual expression, adults and consenting sexual relationships and alternative relationships. There's been a debate about kink at Pride that's been going on for 25, 30 years. Thirty years ago, people used to bitch about, believe it or not, drag queens at Pride, because invariably the newspapers and television news programs that would briefly cover Pride would show a clip or a photograph of the drag queens at Pride, who were a tiny percentage of everybody at Pride. And people would complain that it made it look like we were all drag queens and we're not all drag queens. Or they would take a picture of the leather guys, but not take a picture of the guys in chinos marching with their gay Unitarian group, because that wasn't titillating. But anyway, these debates, who belongs to Pride and what's the fuck is Pride? Been going on forever. But these debates seem especially heated now because of the right. Because of the increasing intolerance. The Rights Project online on sites like Twitter is to find the person most likely to cause alarm or offense and highlight that person to get the shot of the nudist, perhaps the opportunistic straight male exhibitionist in the crowd or walking down the street with a kid. Yeah, back to kids. So this tension about kids at Pride, kids weren't at Pride for many years. Early on. It was not a kid friendly event. It became a kid friendly event pretty quickly as lesbians who already had kids came out, wanted to go to Pride, as gay men began to form families and adopt and wanted their kids themselves, their families to be represented at Pride. And I think that Pride needs to be cut in two. I think, and advocated once in Seattle years ago, that the Pride Parade, a la the Sydney Mardi Gras, which is their Pride Parade, happen at night. That it be a nighttime event on Saturday night. The Pride Parade and Saturday night's Pride Parade for adults. And people can get a bit wild and show themselves and celebrate their sexualities and sexual diversity and just go a little nuts. Torchlight parade. An added benefit, drag queens not melting in the sun at noon in late June. That would be Saturday night and Sunday there would be a Pride Festival, which was family friendly and a little bit safer and a little bit less likely maybe to attract the exhibitionists, the people who want to celebrate their bodies by walking down the street. And bodies are things, and kids have bodies and kids know that adults have bodies. And I think people who bring their kids to Pride know that their kids are going to see some things that but aren't that hard to explain. That is a naked person. Sometimes people are naked. Sometimes you're naked. Sometimes mom and dad or dad and dad are naked. Nakedness is the thing that people do. And this person is choosing to do it here. And also pup masks. Everyone's freaking out about pup masks and puppies at Pride. As if that was something hard to explain to a child who may have spent years dressing up as Batman. That's just somebody in a costume that makes them feel fun and silly and happy. You don't have to add hard. Your kid can figure that out for themselves later. But yeah, yeah, there is this discourse. Not hard to find pieces online where gays and lesbians primarily are saying that Pride doesn't speak to them anymore because it feels like it is now about everything and everyone else and not a welcoming space for gays and lesbians. The gays and lesbians I know that went to Pride said that that's not true. That that is a distortion. In the same way that choosy photo editors 40 years ago would just show pictures of the drag queens or the leather guys who absolutely belong at Pride and deserve to be seen. And now right wing media and social media, which is where most of us are exposed to most of what's going on in the world, is that the algorithms which are primed to outrage us and bad actors who hustle to the front and make sure that everybody sees the worst excesses and not the mainstream representation at Pride are giving people feelings, are making people feel uncomfortable about going. And I think the corrective for you and your spouse once you have your kid and you want to go to Pride, is to go. And you will discover, just like people who went to Pride and found out 40 years ago that it wasn't just drag queens and leather guys, that it's not just gonna say it. Not just gross people, not just dudes with their dicks out. Happy Pride, everybody. You've heard me say that sometimes you need tools to build a better orgasm. Along with sex toys like vibrators. If you haven't tried Forea's products, you're missing out. 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[Caller 4]

diabetic type 2 haven't had any sensitivity for quite a few years. Unless I come, and then that 15 seconds of fame is great. But recently, with my type 2 medication, my hard cock isn't as straight as it used to be. It's going in three different directions. Just sort of wondering if there's a tool or other or medication or other that could help with them.

[Dan Savage]

I've heard of people, heard from people who suddenly couldn't control the direction of their erection. But most of those people, all of those people that I'd heard from about this problem in the past had had a cock enlargement procedure done, a penile enlargement surgical intervention in which they had what is called the penile suspensory ligament cut. That ligament anchors the dick to the pelvic bone. And if you cut the penile suspensory ligament, it can drop. It drops your dick down like another half inch, sometimes a whole inch. And it makes your dick when you're soft look larger. But when you're erect, it's harder to control the dick because again, you've snipped the thing that anchored the base of your cock to your pelvic bone. And so your erection, while still possible to achieve, was a little harder to control. It kind of wobbled around there at the base. I don't know if there's something about your particular case of ED or your diabetes or the medications that you're on that could have impacted your penile suspensory ligament. As we age, ligaments are sometimes things that deteriorate. Sometimes you get out of Bed and tear a ligament. One of the many mortifications of aging. Maybe these two things, you getting on these diabetes medications and the sudden inability to control the angle of your erections are related. Or maybe it's just a coincidence that this ligament has deteriorated in some way and you are no longer able to control the angle of your erections. That would be my non professional, I am not a medical professional hunch. That would be my theory. You should take that to your doctor and have it tested. It's also possible Occam's razor. Maybe this is the simpler answer and likelier answer that your erections ed diabetes medication aren't as firm as they once were. And the former firmness of your erections allowed you to better control the angle, made you feel like your dick was always going in one direction. And now with slightly less firm erection, your dick bends and twists while you're aroused, while you're erect in ways that it did not used to. Maybe that's something that can be addressed. Maybe you need to switch from Viagra to Cialis or Cialis to Viagra. Maybe you need to look into Trimix, which can. It's a shot that men can give themselves directly into their dicks that can result in a firmer erection. There are also toys. There's a kind of cock sheath, cock ring ball harness combo that rests at the bottom of your dick. You pull your balls through it and it's a little bit of a kind of extended cock ring, but also extends down a little bit toward the taint. I could put a link up in show notes to one of these toys at Oxballs, which is a really great independent company that makes them and that can help men who've had that suspensory ligament cut. But also men who are experiencing less firm erections control their dicks better. Because when you're putting pressure against your dick to penetrate someone, that puts pressure at the base of your dick. And if your dick is no longer as hard as it once was, or you had that suspensory ligament cut, which no one should do, please don't do that. That's a dumb thing to fucking do. Your dick is your dick. Love your dick. Don't have people operate on your dick. But it can help with control because it provides control when you penetrate somebody puts pressure on the base of your dick. And if that's not as hard as it used to be, or you had that ligament cut, it can cause your dick to kind of wobble in a way that makes penetration more difficult to get off the ground to achieve, as they say. Anyway, go get your ligament checked. Go ask your doctor about that. And think about a sex toy. Sex toys, I think especially as we age. Sex toys. They are our friends.

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[Caller 1]

Hi, Dan. So to give some context to this question, about a year ago, me and a friend who I've known for approximately nine years, he is straight and I'm not, we ended up hooking up at an Airbnb after we ended up sharing a bed because there weren't enough in the Airbnb. So he was going through divorce at the time. And like, when I asked him, hey, can we talk about this? He said, you need to figure things out. I asked him again in two months and he said, oh, you know, well, because I'm going through the divorce and trying to buy a new house and everything, I need to get my bearings on this. And I said, okay. Waited an additional five months after that. So seven months after the initial hookup and finally when he was, you know, bought the house, the divorce was finalized and everything, I asked if he could finally have that conversation, to which he let me down and let me know that he wasn't interested in men, which is whatever. I understand that. I wish you could have taken more than seven months to figure that out, but I understand that a lot was going through his mind at that point. So ask if we can still be friends. And I say yes. Then I have an extended lengthy conversation with him about, like, how that Kind of sucks. And how I kind of felt used by it, because once he was out of crisis is when he can finally tell me that he was not interested in me after I was providing a level of support that he was only receiving from his romantic partners in his life. He's polygon, so that kind of sucked. But whatever got through it. I ended up having a little mental breakdown, going to a psych ward for a little bit. He messaged me while I was in there saying that he really cared about me and that he was still my friend and he was sorry if anything that he did contributed to that happening. Whatever. I get out three days later. It is my birthday. I'm over at his house that he just bought with some of my other friends. And I had given him one boundary that I would not like to meet his new partners during the period where I was, like, still getting over it. And he agreed to that and was totally cool with that. So I hadn't really told any of my other friends about what had happened. And then, as it turns out, while I was at his house, he ended up hooking up with my best friend less than 20ft away from me. I didn't know until she told me as she was leaving. And he didn't tell her that there was something going on between us, meaning me and him. And she felt really bad as a result of that. And she wouldn't have hooked up with him if he had said that. So I'm not proud of this, but we had a group chat and I crashed out. And I called him out on the fact that he only treats other people as resources that he can use for his own validation or support. But he will never put anything into relationships as much as he gets out of them. As a result of this, basically the entire friend group disowned him. His girlfriend of 11 years broke up with him, and he's now kind of a pariah in the friend group. And my question is, am I the bad guy here? I feel like I'm not, but I just. I don't know.

[Dan Savage]

Two things can be true at the same time. This guy can be a user. You blew up at him in a group chat, and all of his friends abandoned him, and his girlfriend of 11 years dumped him. So there was something about what you had to say that may have connected dots for everybody else where they could suddenly see that he indeed did use people in the way that you felt used, and everybody decided not to have anything to do with him anymore simultaneously. It can also be true that I don't want to say you were the bad guy, but you were the guy with highly unrealistic expectations who made irrational demands. You fucked this guy. You had sex once you reacted to that hookup in the Airbnb with this guy who may have been, although straight, identified, obviously a little bit heteroflexible, you had sex with him at a moment of crisis in his life where maybe you shouldn't have had sex with him because he was getting a divorce and his life was in turmoil, and maybe he was emotionally needy and you were there and maybe you should have just held him and not fucked him, but you reacted to that one off hookup with a straight friend as if it were a marriage proposal, as if he owed you something in the wake of it, as if you had a relationship then that you had to process with him, as opposed to you hooked up with a straight guy going through it, who then didn't want a relationship, it wasn't a relationship, and there was nothing there for then to process. He didn't even owe you processing necessarily. Yeah. Obviously, if you were friends before this hookup and you had sex and it was confusing because you thought he was straight and fingers crossed he was the one who initiated the sex when you were in that bed in that Airbnb. Yeah. Maybe he owed it to you to, like, say to you before seven months had gone by, hey, look, I'm straight. And that was just one of those things, but I'm obviously not interested in a romantic or ongoing sexual relationship with a man because I'm straight. Obviously, a little squish there around the edges. I enjoyed. He should have said that to you the next day, making you wait five, seven months to have that conversation. That wasn't fair to you. You should have been able, however, to have that conversation with yourself. You should have said, hey, obviously there's nothing here if he was interested in me, if he was bi or suddenly, although he's had a girlfriend for 11 years and he was married to a woman and has always been with women, he's coming out as gay and coming out for me. Obviously, that's not happening. And I'm going to back the fuck off because I'll always have the memory of the one time that we hooked up. But it's not gonna be anything more than that. You should have been able to say that to yourself. And then when he circled back in a few months and confirmed it, you wouldn't have been, I guess, so devastated because it sounds like you were carrying a torch for this guy. Sounds like you had really unrealistic expectations about what was possible. And then after you got out of the psych ward and you began to hang out with this guy again, you made a really irrational demand. You're going to come over to his house, you're going to hang out in his space, but on the condition that he not hook up with anybody and that you not encounter anybody that he's hooked up with. And then he hooked up with your best friend 20ft away from you. I guess that was a shitty thing for him to do, but it wasn't a thing that he wasn't allowed to do. He didn't owe you anything. You asked for accommodation, some consideration that frankly, I don't think that you had a right to expect. And maybe he's conflict avoidant, which is why all of his friends abandoned him after you put him on blast. Are the kids still saying that? And he should have told you, yeah, you're welcome at my house, but you can't police my dick like this just because seven months, a year ago we had sex one night. You didn't plant a flag in my dick. You're not the sovereign power here. And so if it makes you uncomfortable to lay eyes on anybody that I'm fucking or have fucked, maybe don't come over to my house right now. And we should just see each other for coffee every once in a while outside of the place where I live and fuck. But he didn't say that. And you got your feelings hurt again. You need to. I would recommend strongly you get into therapy and talk about your feelings and get a handle on your feelings and learn to identify the sometimes irrational things that our heart wants and can want very badly. And those feelings are real and valid. And the things that we are have a right to expect, those are often in conflict. And when our heart wants something big and crazy that we have no right to demand or expect, we need that other part of ourselves, of our brain, that other side of our brain, that more rational angel on the other shoulder to tell us, hey, dial it the fuck back. And maybe instead of calling the straight friend who fucked me that one night, to process this. I'm gonna go see my therapist and process this. This episode is brought to you by Soaking Wet by VB Health. If you are the proud owner of a vagina, then lucky you, you get to try soaking wet. And you get to get soaking wet. Soaking wet is packed with the good stuff. It has probiotics, prebiotics, and the kind of vitamins that are beneficial for vaginas. Soaking Wet is the world's first oral probiotic specific for total vaginal health. And it's called Soaking Wet for a reason. Not only does it combat BV and yeast infections, it also levels up lubrication, making sex more pleasurable for everyone involved. All of VB supplements are made in CGMP certified manufacturing facilities to ensure the purity and safety of their products. Make every encounter slipperier, sexier and downright sensational. It's time to get Soaking Wet and keep those good times coming and coming and coming and coming. 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[Caller 4]

Hey Dan, so I am having a butt plug problem. So this is the second time that this has happened to me. I've been using, you know, your typical stainless steel plugs with the little gem on the top and I used the largest ones that they sell, but this second time that my ass just eaten them up. Luckily I didn't have to go to the er. I was just able to push it back out. But still a problem. The first time it happened I was wearing it while I was getting fucked and it just got pushed in. That stayed in overnight because I didn't even know that it had gotten pushed in until I passed it the next morning. And then last night I went to bed with one and woke up and it wasn't there anymore. So luckily that one I pushed out. Also, I'm just wondering, is it because the butt plug part, the part that goes inside me is so large that I need one with a bigger base? Or is my asshole too big? I don't really know. Any tips that you have would be very helpful.

[Dan Savage]

In my own personal experience of butt plugs, I'm usually hyper aware of that moment they go in. I'm a little concerned. Not that your butt plugs are too big or that your asshole is too big, but perhaps your butt plugs are too small if your ass is sucking them up during sex and you weren't even consciously aware that that had happened. Or if you're going to bed wearing one and it somehow disappears into your ass in the middle of the night without waking you. Yeah, I think that may be in addition to not nearly as wide a base as you need, but also maybe teeny tiny itty bitty little butt plugs that can somehow find their way up into your rectum entirely without you noticing. Yeah, get a bigger butt plug. Get bigger butt plugs. With wider bases. And maybe don't go to sleep wearing a butt plug. You don't know what you're doing in your sleep. Maybe in your sleep you were pressing on it or began to masturbate half conscious and you pushed it into yourself. But your luck is going to run out. You are going to lose a butt plug in your ass and it is going to turn sideways and then the base will conspire with the bulb to block it, just passing out of you of its own accord, of gravity's accord the next day. Yeah, lady. Obviously the saying is without a base, without a trace. If a sex toy that you use anally doesn't have a base that's wider than your ass can accommodate, you risk losing it inside yourself. You've lost more than one inside yourself. Obviously maybe they do have bases, but those bases are not wide enough. Stop running this risk. Stop stepping on the same rake in the form of a butt plug and get yourself some brand new safer, safer, safer butt toys than the ones you are using. And I would recommend against going to bed with a butt plug in all right, time for listener feedback. First up, a few of the written comments listeners left about last week's show at Savage Love. Says Ruby to the caller wondering how to approach someone at a sex party. You're at a sex party. Everyone there knows it is a sex party. Just walk up to someone that piques your interest and introduce yourself. You can tell them it's your first time, you can tell them that you're nervous, and you can tell them that you're not exactly sure how to proceed. If you pique their interest, I'm sure they will want to show you how to proceed, says Spreckerwolf. Dan, the Singularity has nothing to do with aliens. It's the AI technology tipping point, after which technology becomes smarter than us and essentially uncontrollable and irreversible. But we should definitely have a word for the moment one realizes they are surrounded by aliens, because that that sounds important too. Finally says no Cute Name. Once again, Dan has invoked his mythical masturbatory assist. As usual. I wonder what he thinks is going through the mind of a person who says they don't want to have sex and then their partner suggests that sitting on their face while they masturbate might be a reasonable substitute. No Cute name shares. Then a couple of examples of times when she wasn't feeling a up for sex and her partner was horny. In neither of those cases would I want to sit on his face while he jerked it no cute names comment kicked off a large discussion, a long discussion about the masturbatory assist. And yeah, okay gang, perhaps sitting on someone's face shouldn't be my lead example of a masturbatory assist. A masturbatory assist can be anything from holding someone while they have a wank to sitting on their face. But it is no myth, including the exact type of masturbatory assist that I described. As for what's going through the head of the person doing the sitting during a masturbatory assist, I imagine it's something close to hey, I'm happy to help, but let's not draw this out, which I think the person providing the masturbatory assist should be able to say out loud. That should be implicitly understood, but it should be explicitly stated. But to be clear, an ma, a masturbatory assist has to be something low key that doesn't require much of the person doing the assisting. So it is subjective. And what seems like a reasonable MA request to one person or might be a reasonable request for one person won't be reasonable for another. And finally, just as a person might not be in the mood for sex one night, but will be the next night, a person might not be in the mood to provide their partner with an ma. Not every time they ask. All right, if you've got something to say about something I said on this week's show, jump into the comment threadavage Love and say it there. Or give us a call at 206-30-2064 or email us a voice memo to Qavage Love. And now Savage Love listeners who called in with comments about last week's show get to have the last word on this week's show.

[Caller 5]

Hey Dan, this is a response to the lesbian who is having the sex rate decline in their relationship. You covered a lot of great ideas, but one thing that stuck out to me is apparently you're making passes by just saying, hey, are you in the mood? That's not gonna get many people in the mood. That's kind of a little bit whiny and pathetic. Sorry to say it that way, but. But maybe do a little more seduction and put a little more effort in. Do a little dancing, do a little flirtation, spark a little interest with your eyes, with your smile. Remember what it was like early on. You know, you're not just saying, hey, we should have sex because it's good. You're giving them a reason to feel that desire, especially for women. A lot of women have responsive desire. So if you ever read the book Come as yous Are, that can give some really great ideas for how to inspire responsive desire in someone that maybe isn't as actively horny all the time like you are.

[Caller 4]

Hey Dan, I'm calling in response to the after action report about the woman whose partner wanted her to bite his dick. I'm just calling because I totally thought I was the only person in the world whose partner enjoyed having their dick bitten. We are also in a polyamorous relationship and I'm just really excited. I feel seen. I thought I was the only person in the world whose partner wanted this. I'd love to hear from other people whose partners also enjoy having their dick bitten. I think we're all just something here. Hey Dan, I'm calling about the guy in episode 1026 who said his dick smells like his girlfriend. You know Dan, you don't regularly have sex with people with vaginas, so you may not be as familiar with this whole situation. But I know that my husband's dick was smelling like my pussy and I didn't love it because I realized that even though he was going to the sink and washing up, it wasn't clean enough. This man is not washing his dick. Well. You need to use some dial soap like a dial gold bar and get your ass into the shower and wash your dick really well. And if you have a grower, not a shower, then maybe get a little hard, get in there, get in all of the crevices and creases and wash that dick. Because if your dick smells like your girlfriend, you are not washing it

[Dan Savage]

and we are going to leave it there. Got a question about absolutely anything. Got a comment about something I said? Go to Savage Love Askdan to record and upload your question or your comment or email us a voice memo at Qavage Love. Or give us a call at 206-302-2064 and leave a message on our answer machine. And if you tried something new and you want to share all the dirty details with me, email us at Q Savage Love. Let us know what you tried and you might be our next guest on After Action Report. The all new hump fall 2026 season is coming soon. Now is your chance to score the lowest ticket prices of the season. Get your Early Bird Dirty Bird discounted tickets right [e-mail] and click on humpfilmfest.com submit while you're on the website for all the info you need on getting your dirty little film into Hump 2027. Follow me at blueskyansavage follow me on Instagram Savage Follow Brian Safi on Instagram Ryan Safi that's B R Y A N S A F I and if you're in or near New York City between now and August 15th, go see his new one man show info Showtimes tickets at Are you mad@me?show.com the Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and Nancy and the tech savvy at Risk youth. We will all be back at you next week. Another installment of the Savage Lovecast.

[Caller 4]

Thank you for downloading.

[Dan Savage]

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