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- [00:00]
Dan Savage
You're listening to the Savage Lovecast, Dan
- [00:02]
Caller 1 (Polyamorous friend)
Savage's sex and relationship show for grown ups.
- [00:05]
Dan Savage
If you're under 18, get out of here, youngin. If you're stuck in a relationship quandary, or if you're looking for sexual harmony, well, there's nothing you can't ask on the Savage Lovecast. Let's talk about Dick's baby. Let's talk about Dick's manosphere influencer and rabid misogynist Andrew Tate and his equally odious brother Tristan. Those two dicks, they were arrested this weekend in Miami. Here's hoping they stay arrested this time. Last time these two were arrested in Romania, where they were charged with sex trafficking and rape. The Tate brothers were released after Donald Trump, who never met a sex trafficker he didn't like, sent officials to Romania, Turkey put pressures on authorities there. As soon as they were released, these two fucking dicks, Andrew and Tristan, fled Romania for Florida, where they hoped, I guess, that they could blend in with all the other right wing dicks there. They are now in jail waiting to be extradited to the uk where they've been charged with rape, sex trafficking and assault. Some of their victims were minors. Will Trump intervene again and prevent their extradition? We shall see. In other right wing Dicks all those hateful dicks out there, mostly on Twitter, predicting that the Odyssey, Christopher Nolan's new movie, would bomb because he cast a black actress as Helen of Troy and a trans actor in a small role. Yeah, those dicks were wrong. The Odyssey is the biggest hit of the year. Nolan's most successful opening ever. Gonna make hundreds of millions of dollars. I would tell you right now what I thought of the movie, but I haven't seen it because every screening in Seattle this weekend was sold out. In Other Dicks, Better Dicks. I opened the show last week talking about handjobs v. Blowjobs. Lively conversation in the comment thread on last week's show. People seem pretty evenly split, so it looks like we blowjob lovers and hand job preferers will have to agree to disagree. We will all have to learn to live with each other. That is pluralism folks. And in random dick, a college boy took to Reddit recently to ask an etiquette question about dicks. I love a good etiquette question. I also love dicks. So while he didn't put it to me, I am going to go ahead and answer this question for him. What is the correct way of declining cock at a glory hole? He asks. At my university there is a glory hole but older people, non students, tend to cruise there too, which I do not like because this is a hole specifically for students and young people. I would rather not suck an older man when I know notice that he is one. Another example would be when the dick is not appealing enough or when it stinks. How do I decline it? Do I just walk out or do I wait until he's gone? Okay, ageism, but whatever my answer. Dude, it's a glory hole. There are no rules. There are literally dicks coming at you through holes in the wall. Glory holes exist because some rules are made to be broken.
- [03:15]
Caller 2 (Hair preference)
Rules.
- [03:16]
Dan Savage
Rules like don't suck off strangers, don't have sex in public places where you might get caught, and don't shove your cock through a hole in the wall because you don't know who is on the other side. So if all the dicks smell gross and the pubes are gray. All the dicks are gross and the pubes are gray. And the pubes are gray. You can take a walk and go about your day. Sorry, apologies to the mamas and papas. You can take a walk, go about your day. You can get the fuck out of there. Or you can sit and wait and hope the dick you don't want because it's old dick or smelly dick or gross dick. Hope that dick gets withdrawn and a better dick takes its place. Just as there are no rules for you though, a guy hoping to suck dick in a glory hole, there are no rules for guys hoping to get their dicks sucked at glory holes either. Now, I think men who want their dicks sucked should wash their dicks before asking a stranger or a loved one to suck their dicks. And putting your dick through a glory hole in the wall. That is an ask. It's almost like some men don't seem to realize the nose is directly above the mouth. But it is impossible to enforce social norms around personal hygiene or best practices around personal hygiene in a place where again, norms and rules like you are there to be violated. Now, I have never sucked a dick in a glory hole myself. As I've explained before, too many uncles and brothers and nephews out there and a worst case scenario disorder in in my head. So as much as I love sucking dick, I am definitely team Blowjob in the Blowjob v. Hand job dispute. I've never done this before because it matters to me who the dick is attached to. For me, dick is a particular guy in a concentrated form and redditor if it matters to you random college boy on Reddit if you only want to suck cocks of guys close to your own age and guys with the decency to wash their dicks and guys with nice dicks, maybe glory holes aren't for you either. And finally, quickly, dead dick Lindsey Graham's still dead. There was a ton of commentary about South Carolina's openly closeted dead gay senator. Lots of gay people making fucking hilarious jokes on the Internet. The inevitable pushback from the how dare you speak ill of the dead crowd. But the two best takes on Graham's death weren't from gay men. The two best takes I read that I saw when I listened to from straight men. If you miss stand up comedian Patton Oswald's eulogy for Graham delivered the day after he died, it is brilliant. It's on his Instagram feed. We posted a link in our show notes. Go read it. And Scott Galloway's take or his takedown of Graham on the Raging Moderates podcast. Speaking as someone who was out and gay in College in the 1980s, I was so moved by Galloway's comments about his college friends who who were closeted in the 1980s, his empathy for them, for gay people who didn't feel like they could come out and then did come out, and his anger at Graham who, like all powerful homophobes, benefited from the sacrifices made by people who came out. Again, I was so moved by Galloway's comments. If you missed Galloway on Graham, give it a listen. Raging Moderates is the podcast. There's a link in our show notes to the particular episode. All right, coming up on this week's show, on this particular episode, a woman really enjoys fisting her boyfriend, but it hurts her, not him. What can she do to protect her delicate hand from his vice grip butt? And a woman suspects her landlord, her unpleasant landlord, was trying to send her a message by leaving a ball gag in her bathroom. What could the message be? And on the Magnum, I speak with Stephen Dubner, co author of Freakonomics, co host of the Freakonomics podcast, and host of the new interview talk show Podcast Better in Person. Steven and I old hands at podcasting. We talk about podcasting the medium, we talk about media, we talk about long term relationships and why people only think they want one but don't. That's on the Magnum, My conversation with Dubner, which you can subscribe to and give us a gift at Savage Love. And if you're wondering how you can get on the show, just record your question and email it to us at Qavage Love or leave us a voicemail at 206-302-2064 and remember, there is nothing you can't ask. All right, Nancy, hit me with the first call. What is this week's first ask? This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, makers of the best mattresses ever. And right now my listeners get 27% off site wide when you go to helixsleep.com savage this episode is brought to you by Mack Weldon Timeless, Innovative Menswear to help you move through the day with confidence. Get 20% off your first order of $125 or more with promo code savagecwelden.com this episode is brought to you by VB Health Dr. Formulated supplements that work. To learn more about load, boost, drive boost and soaking wet and to get 10% off, visit VB Health and use the Code Savage.
- [08:31]
Caller 3 (Fisting pain)
Hey Dan and the Tech savvy at Risk Youth Me and my partner have been together for eight years. At the end of August. We've been able to work our way up sexually from vanilla to kinky and then some over time and it's really strengthened our relationship and it's gotten us through hard times and the way we are able to work through things and communicate is rare and wonderful. We're always learning and trying new things and the sex gets better and better over time because of this. My partner has always really been into ass play. We've been doing more fisting and prostate milking as of late where I am the one inserting my hand. I enjoy doing this for him because he loves it so much and him enjoying himself so much gets me going too. So that being said, I have a small frame, I have small hands which I believe should be helpful in theory, but when I go in there it hurts. I feel like I am putting my hands in the correct positions and using enough lube and but the pressure inside that happens during hurts my hands and also often at the same time makes me lose feeling in my pinky or one other finger. It's uncomfortable. I still do it because I care for him and he enjoys it, but lately we don't do it as often because he's starting to feel a little guilty about my hand being squished, even though he doesn't necessarily have control over what happens inside his body. Is there a tactic or do you have any tips on how I can give him the same pleasure that he really loves without feeling like my hand is being crushed?
- [10:09]
Dan Savage
How long are you leaving your hand in there in that vice, that vice grip that is your boyfriend's butt You've got small hands. He's got a tight hole. Some people are tight. They bear down. It's part of the pleasure for them. Some people are just built that way. Their anatomy is like that. Other guys, you slip a hand into them and it feels like you're stepping onto an elevator. Plenty of space. Not your boyfriend, not your hand. I kind of think your boyfriend should feel a little guilty if after you have a night where you fist him and milk his prostate and you leave your hand in there for hours, I guess your fingers go numb and you experience hand pain. But that guilt, rather than shot anal play down, should be motivating your boyfriend and you to work together on fixes, solutions, accommodations that will take figuratively and literally all the pressure or enough of the pressure off your hands. There are fixes here. Get some toys you can use together. There are suction mounted dildos where he can impale himself while you're playing with the front of him in the shower. Get a fuck machine. If money is no object, they're a vibrating bullet. Butt plugs out there, inflatable vibrating butt plugs. There are dildos with, I don't know what the mechanisms are inside them, but they twist and turn and they'll put pressure on his prostate. You can, using your hands, set things in motion. You can open him up using your hand, and then you can pull your hand the fuck out of that vise and shove a big toy in and maybe go back and forth a little bit. It doesn't all have to be all. The pressure, literal and figurative, does not have to be on your hand. You say you've been exploring and getting into kink and you've grown closer together sexually. And even these explorations, the vitality of your sex life, helped you get through hard times. All of that's great. I'm really glad for you guys. That's amazing. It should always work that way. But when I hear people who are, like, exploring kink and doing kinky things, and a toy, a tool, is the obvious next step, or the missing ingredient, or the thing that might improve the play or make the play less physically taxing. For a partner who's physically taxed by a kind of play the other partner enjoys, it sounds like a kind of lingering kink shame or sex shame, where it's all good, it's all okay, it's all wholesome. If we aren't getting a box on the porch from a sex shop, if we aren't bringing in backup, we aren't bringing in toys, because toys makes oh, you know, a fist in your ass. It's just like bodies and coming together. But when you get another thing, when you start owning things, having things in your house that have no other purpose, unlike your hand, than being in your boyfriend's butt and giving him this kind of pleasure, it can feel weirdly implicating, but it only implicates you in something that is true. You are sexually adventurous and you are cracking your boyfriend open. All you've been using up to now is your hand. And your hand can't take as much as your hand has had to take on those nights when your boyfriend wants to get cracked the fuck open. So, suction. Mounted dildos. Fuck machine. Butt plugs. Invest in a variety of toys. Your poor hands and I feel your pain. I actually just made an appointment to see a hand specialist because I have hand pain. Your poor hands, they will thank you. And so will your boyfriends whole. Hello.
- [13:53]
Caller 4 (Cannibalism discussion)
I want to discuss the accusations of the cabal eating babies. So my very intelligent friend and I were discussing, you know, of course, the Epstein island and all the connections and all the horrors that are associated with that. And of course, this kind of, to me would seem like a fringe accusation of cannibalism of children is floating around out there. I've always considered it at very extreme, kind of like red herring to sort of discredit all the other accusations. But my friend, who I genuinely think is super intelligent, did say that she thinks that that is the natural progression when all other vice has been satisfied. Like every repulsive thing you can think of that you could do with the most endless amounts of money has been done. What is the final taboo? She said, of course I could see billionaires eating babies. And I'm like, well, myself. I mean, I can imagine having all the money in the universe. That seems like the very last thing I would want to do is to eat a baby. Not because I'm so great or anything like that, but I believe there's a biological repulsion that is built into us for cannibalism. That's not to say there aren't any cannibals. I think that they might exist. It could be a kink, it could be a psychosis, but I don't think it's super common. And I also don't think it's financially related. So I was like, yeah, whatever. She's, you know, cuckoo for thinking that. But then I spoke to my also very intelligent wife who was like, well, just consider having all that money, like being in sensory deprivation. Like, you're just Seeking to feel anything if you've already felt everything. So, okay, interesting point. Still, cannibalism seems like a true anti instinct to me. So that's, I guess, my question. I know that cannibalism, at least in cops and robbers kind of way, can work itself into a kink. And I know there are those cases where people have voluntarily allowed themselves to be literally cannibalized, but I just don't think having a bunch of money makes you want to do that.
- [16:18]
Dan Savage
Your friend who said this, that if a person runs out of new and exciting things to try, they will resort to cannibalism. I would not leave that friend alone with my kids, not ask that friend to babysit, because, man, that's dark. But I would interpret that as a kind of projection and maybe resentment about income inequality and the vast wealth accumulated hoarded by the billionaire class kind of curdling into, yeah, these kinds of accusations, which are, you know, not a great leap when it comes to a villain like Epstein, from raping kids to eating kids. And yet I think, because this is where my mind goes, of the French Revolution and poor Marie Antoinette, who was accused of terrible crimes she did not commit at a moment when income inequality was as great as it is now. Actually, income inequality now is greater than it was right before, during the French Revolution. And what were the revolutionaries saying about Marie Antoinette? Well, they called her a lesbian. They said that she stole from state coffers. They also said that she committed incest with her son, the dauphin, the heir to the throne, and other and worse crimes. And I wouldn't be surprised if I did a little digging that there might be accusations of cannibalism there because there was this boiling resentment that fed a desire, not a desire that just fed into thinking of the worst of people who were really doing the worst. And the billionaire class, as Bernie Sanders might say right now, is literally doing the worst. But we do not have to make shit up to indict them. We just have to point to income inequality, to lack of access to health care, to the rolling back of environmental pollution protections, to everything literally, the billionaire class is doing that is all over the front pages of our newspapers. And yeah, I can't prove that this isn't happening, that there isn't some monster out there somewhere with obscene wealth who ate a baby or is eating babies. But I doubt very much it's happening. One of the things I know, having been seven steps of Kevin Bacon removed from a couple of very wealthy people and in a wealthy person's home every once in a while is that people with vast incomes and vast resources are not in their houses alone. They're not hanging out just with other billionaires. They have staff, they're surrounded by people a little bit like Marie Antoinette was. Courtiers, staff everywhere. Hard to hide your crimes if your crime is something like boiling babies on your $30,000. Whatever kind of stove that is. French enameled stove. The person who cleans your house, the person who does your dishes, the person who manages your estate, the person who does your grocery shopping, yeah, they're probably going to snap a picture of that on their phone and NDA be damned, out you. So the fact that none of the people around, the rich people that your friend thinks are eating babies, none of those people around those people are ratting those people out. I think we can take some comfort there that perhaps this isn't fucking happening. We don't have to make up horror stories about what the wealthy are doing and getting away with. We just have to read a newspaper. This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, makers of the best mattresses. That's why my mattress is a Helix Sleep mattress, because we wanted the best. The helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including the award winning Luxe collection that is ours. Of course, Terry will accept nothing less than Lux the Helix Elite collection, a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers and even a mattress made just for kids. To figure out which mattress is right for you, take the Helix Sleep quiz to find your perfect mattress in under two minutes and your personalized mattress will be shipped straight to your door free of charge. And with Helix's 100 night sleep trial you can try out your new mattress, see how your body adjusts and if you dec not the best fit, you are welcome to return it for a full refund. They offer models with memory foam layers to provide optimal pressure relief if you sleep on your side like I do, or models with a more responsive foam to cradle your body for essential support in stomach and back sleeping positions and other stomach and back positions too. Plus enhanced cooling features to keep you from overheating at night. Right now my listeners get 27% off site wide. Now is the time to invest in your coziness again. Go to helixsleep.com savage for 27% off site wide. Make sure you enter Savage Lovecast into the post purchase survey so they know the Lovecast sent you. That's helixsleep.com savage hi there Dan.
- [21:38]
Caller 1 (Polyamorous friend)
Me and my husband had dinner at the weekend with a couple of old friends that we knew in college and one of them has a long term relationship. Her and her husband are polyamorous, which was new for us. We had a discussion around the table and her husband says that he identifies as Ace and you know, doesn't feel sexual desire or engage in sex with my friend. And my friend has, has partners outside. That's why they're polyamorous. So it's kind of, I guess more of a companionship and which I totally respect and I found very interesting, the dynamic. However, when we came back after what was a long night of drinks, my husband said that her husband had propositioned him in the bathroom. Which was very. A real head scratcher for me. It was no blurred lines. It was very blatantly, do you want to come into the stall with me and engage in an oral copulation? Oral sex. And yeah, my husband turned that down. But I'm kind of in a bit of a dilemma now. My friend has stated that, you know, her partner is Ace and doesn't. Doesn't feel sexual attraction, yet propositioned my husband that, that very same night. Would I be sticking my nose in to mention that to my friend? They're polyamorous. So I guess he didn't do anything wrong. Of course. But I just don't want my old friend to be. To be lied to her. Or maybe I should just stay out of it.
- [23:16]
Dan Savage
Do you want to come into a stall with me and engage in oral copulation? I'm going to try to remember that one. I'm going to use that on someone sometime and see if that squick up line works. Look kind of a Not yout Monkey's not yout Circus situation. You need to ask yourself how close a friend is? This and every marriage, every relationship is a little bit of an apple cart. And do you want to upset that apple cart? Their apple cart. This guy is obviously a hypocrite, obviously a liar. And so would your old friend. That doesn't sound like you're particularly close to, doesn't sound like you see all the time, doesn't sound like a bestie. Would she be better off knowing her husband is second ex behind her back? Or would that upset an apple cart? That would deprive your friend if she felt she couldn't stay with this guy as a result of learning this information about him, Would it cost her other things that she values and enjoys in ignorance at the moment, a kind of blissful ignorance about who her husband actually is sexually? If he was asking men to step into bathroom stalls with him and engage in oral copulation? And perhaps hooking up with men and having unsafe sex and then going home to your friend, even an old friend, even a friend that you don't talk to often and fucking her and exposing her potentially to sexually transmitted infections, possibly even if he's in such denial about who he is sexually that he isn't taking any measures to protect himself, like getting on prep or using doxy and therefore then potentially exposing your friend to hiv. You would have in that moment a duty to warn. Here you have the option to warn. What would it cost your friend potentially to know this? Could be that you go to her and tell her and she already knows or already figured that her husband was sucking a dick every once in a while on the side. And the ACE identity was a rounding up or rounding down. A lot of people out there who are bisexual who identify as lesbians, kind of rounding themselves up to lesbians. A lot of straight guys out there who sucked a dick once or twice and enjoyed it and are maybe technically a little bit bi somewhere there on the Kinsey scale on the bi end, but identify as straight because it comes closer. And it's possible that this guy is on the asexual spectrum and identifies as ace, but he's rounding up or down a little bit, depending on your pov, and erasing the blowjobs he gives, the risky blowjobs he gives to people when he is drunk in a bathroom stall while his wife is in the other end of the bar with a mutual friend that that guy that he propositioned is very likely to confide in about the proposition. I mean, it's always the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If you were in your friend's shoes, would you want to be told, if you were in your friend's shoes, would you prefer not to be confronted with this? And when you have the answer, then you know what to do based on that golden rule. I know I shouldn't complain about the heat this summer as I am here in Seattle where the temperature has been manageable.
- [26:52]
Caller 2 (Hair preference)
Lovely.
- [26:53]
Dan Savage
Downright beautiful around here. But it's hot where you guys are, and it's hot in some of the places I am going this summer, which is why I'm so grateful for Mack Weldon. Their Airknit X collection of superlight fabric is so perfect for right now. I feel cool wherever we are, even when we're somewhere hot. And Terry looks cool. It's fused with nylon mesh for maximum airflow. Four way stretch means no bunching or sagging. Each piece stays where it should while you move. The whole collection started as underwear and now includes undershirts, T shirts, polos and socks. I love their T shirts. Terry's addicted to working out in their shorts. Maybe you've spotted him in his Mack Weldon's at the gym. Mack Weldon makes quality clothing that holds up longer than one rough season. Their designs balance classic pieces with updated details to keep you looking sharp. It's the go to choice for guys who want to look great without even trying. And importantly, this summer. Stay cool. Don't sweat the heat this summer or this fall. Probably going to stay hot. Feel as effortlessly cool as you look with Mack weldon. Go to mackweldon.com and get 20% off your first order of $125 or more with promo code Savage. That's M A C K W E L D O n dot com. Let them know the Lovecast sent you. Use promo code Savage to get 20% off your first order of $125 or more.
- [28:18]
Caller 2 (Hair preference)
Hey Dan, I'm divorced and I've been in the dating pool for 12 years. I'm 59. I've been with around a dozen women and here's the issue. Every one of them, regardless of age, ethnicity, et cetera, has been utterly hairless. Intentionally. Most were completely incapable of even growing their hair back. Not that they would if I even asked them since they were lasered, waxed, whatever they do, it's a mystery to me. It's true that I happen to prefer very for suit women, armpit, buttocks, arms everywhere except for some reason the calves and the shins. But I don't see it as solely a fetish. To me, hairless just does not signify mature adult woman. To me, body hair is normal and extremely erotic. Yes, the more the better. But that's just my fetishy part. Non excessive hair is not a deal breaker, just a normal amount. Please not shaved off. At first it was okay. Weird, but okay. But 12 years later, my innate reaction has gotten worse. As soon as I see a bald pubic area, a switch is flipped and I feel like I'm with a prepubescent girl. Instant off switch bordering on revulsion, both physical and moral. I just can't Is it the influence of porn? Unless I specifically go to a hairy women's site, everybody is bald. Is it just me? A generational thing. My 19 year old daughter has expressed the desire to laser all her body hair. My 21 year old son finds the very thought of female pubic hair disgusting. What the Hell is going on. Since when do adult women think the pre puberty look is a turn on to all men? Most importantly, how do I approach the subject with a woman I'm interested in? I want to be in a fulfilling long term relationship in which we're both turned on by each other. What if I meet the woman of my dreams, but she looks like the child of the woman of my dreams?
- [30:10]
Dan Savage
I'm right there with you. Body hair, pubic hair, normal, except shin hair. Yeah, shin hair. That shit is disgusting. Look, I've heard this from people before about men that guys who shave their pubic hair, oh, it looks like a child. I have seen baby dick and I have seen grown man dick and it's really not the pubic hair that makes much of a difference. When, you know, sometimes my boyfriend shaves all his pubic hair off and when he walks into the room naked without pubes, I'm not like, who is this toddler? And where did my boyfriend go? I can still tell the difference. And I think you're being a little ridiculous about reading an adult human woman's vulva as a child's vulva because she has shaved or waxed, which for all you know, when you first encounter a woman, she may be doing because she thinks that's what her male partner wants or might expect. And it could come as a relief to one of the women that you're dating to hear that you prefer, except for those shins, a natural look. You prefer body hair pits, ass crack. Back on the women that you date. And if she's doing this for you, she doesn't have to keep doing this. She doesn't have to keep removing her natural body hair except for those shins. This has been going, I don't think this is a teenage thing. We've been having this conversation about shaved pubes basically ever since online porn became accessible everywhere and people noticed that people were removing their body hair. Pubic lice. We were reading stories about pubic lice 15, 20 years ago going extinct because so few people who were young and sexually active, the previous host environment for a lot of pubic lice had pubic hair for pubic lice to take up residence in. So this has been going on forever. This isn't a generational thing, or if it is a generational thing, your generation is implicated because this started like when you were in your 20s. But there are women out there who have natural bushes. There are women out there who do not remove their pubic hair because they like it or they don't want to be bothered or they feel like it's weird for the same reason that you feel like it's weird for a man to prefer a woman with no pubic hair. And just like a woman who's into a man with a big dick, like, what are you going to do? Like, there are women out there who need a big dick, want a big dick. There are women out there who are size queens. And you can't exactly put that on your Tinder or Hinge profile. Please don't contact me if you do not have more than 7 or 8 inches. So what a woman has to do who only wants a partner with a big dick is just keep dating and sleeping around until she finds a potential candidate who has the dick that she requires. Likewise, you can date and sleep around and hopefully at some point you will meet a woman who has the bush that you require and shin specific alopecia, who's just your ideal partner. And the next time you sleep with a woman, if she's shaved, you're sleeping together, you should be able to have a conversation about bodies and preferences. And if you can get it out of your mouth in a way that doesn't sound accusatory or shaming or. Or that she's trying to present as a child, which she definitely is not doing, you can let her know that if she's removing her pubic hair for you, for her committed male partner, if you guys get to that stage, she doesn't need to do that anymore because you like it natural, and that is a perfectly legitimate preference. And if you can figure out a way to express. Doesn't sound so dark and negative. You should be able to either find a woman or create a woman who has the natural body hair that you prefer. This episode of the Savage Lovecast is brought to you by Drive Boost. You know, I made a little outline here for the Drive Boost ad read something I was going to riff on. Drive Boost, of course, the supplement that boosts your libido. But just as I was about to start riffing on my outline, Terri wanders into the podcast booth. So instead of me telling you how he feels about Dry Boost, he is our study sample. I'm going to let him tell you, Terry, you are the horniest person I've ever met.
- [34:38]
Caller 5 (Boyfriend sensitivity issue)
After me.
- [34:39]
Dan Savage
Have you noticed a difference? You've always been dialed up to 11 since the day I met you. Where are you at now? Oh, easily 16, 17. So you have noticed a difference?
- [34:49]
Caller 2 (Hair preference)
Yeah.
- [34:49]
Dan Savage
I mean, have you?
- [34:50]
Caller 2 (Hair preference)
Yeah.
- [34:51]
Dan Savage
In you. A big one. Same inside. You A big one. That's just how we both like it, isn't it? Can I go now? Yes, you can go now. Thank you for dropping by. And he's off. You know what he's probably off to do right now? His boyfriend who is downstairs. Drive Boost contains four ingredients that have evidence to support your libido. It is designed to be safe and effective for all people regardless of sex. I can attest to it working for men because it is working for and on my man or my men plural. But for women specifically. Drive Boost contains several ingredients that have evidence backing their use to mitigate some symptoms of perimenopause and menopause. Drive Boost is very vegetarian doctor formulated, third party tested and made in the USA and they offer a 100 day money back guarantee. Finally, a libido supplement you can believe in. Visit VB Health to learn more and use code SAVAGE for 10% off or click the link in the episode description. Let another lovecast sent you. VB Health use Code Savage
- [35:57]
Caller 5 (Boyfriend sensitivity issue)
hi Dan, My boyfriend and I have been together about little bit over a year now. Sex life is still really good but just recently we've he's communicated at least that when I bought him from. He's not really getting a lot of sensation or sensitivity and it's part of the reason he has a hard time maintaining his erection and the sex doesn't last that long. We usually don't have the problem in the reverse because I just talk more often than not. But I do like to bottle from time to time specifically. I just have a lot of trust with him and it's been nice in this relationship. Do you have any recommendations on how he possibly get a little bit more sensitivity in it? You know when he's topping even though he prefers to bottom.
- [36:38]
Dan Savage
The obvious solution here is to if it's really about sensation, different angles, different positions, see if you can't create by mixing up the positions and angles more sensation for your boyfriend and his penis when it is inside you. Also possible that your boyfriend just doesn't like topping, not just prefers bottoming but dislikes topping and something about topping doesn't work for him and he knows that you like to bottom specifically for him on occasion and so he's giving it the old college try but he's falling out during because it doesn't turn him on to be the active partner in anal sex. Not that the bottom isn't active in anal sex. Bottoms are active. Power bottoms are especially active, but to be the one doing the penetrating doesn't work for him erotically. A different suggestion. If it does work for him and he does want to do it and he finds himself losing his erection. Hopefully you guys, neither of you have a hang up about look pa no hands orgasms that he can pull out, stroke, dive back in when he needs to provide himself with a little bit more of the intense stimulation that he might require to sustain that erection. And you can shift back and forth between rolling around and getting fucked and him stroking himself or you stroking him before he dives back in with a harder dick. Also, you've been together a year and I'm curious if all your kink cards are on the table, all your likes and preferences. If you've moved past the stage early in a relationship where you're worried about asking too much or revealing too much for fear of rejection. And then you can get caught in a groove where the sex is good and you're enjoying it, but it's not everything that you need or want and you begin to feel the absence of those other things you might need or want during sex. For instance, are there other cylinders that you could be firing on when he is topping you than just he gets to have his dick in your ass? Is there a kind of dirty talk? Is he a sub top when he tops you? Would it help if there was dirty talk about him servicing you and it really being for and about you? Does he need his nipples played with while he tops? Does he need a butt plug in his own ass? He likes to bottom. Can you make him basically with the assistance of a toy if you guys are exclusive the Lucky Pierre by having a dildo in his ass or a butt plug in his ass while he fucks you. How can you guild this lily? How can you embellish this process him fucking you in other ways that are value adds that make it not just about fucking you, but then make fucking you more of a turn on for him because other cylinders are being fired on. You're firing on all cylinders. So he's falling out for some reason and not enjoying topping as much as you would like him to enjoy topping. He may be slow rolling the end of him topping in the relationship just by saying telling the truth that he begins to lose his erection. There's something about it that doesn't work for him. If adding a butt plug or playing with his tits or dirty talk or a kind of sub top dom bottom role play while he's topping you. If none of that helps, you may find over time that just you're going to revert to form that Bottoms water going to seek its own level here. And you will wind up being the top in this relationship. And if you miss bottoming, maybe then you open the relationship, you bottom for other guys occasionally or you miss bottoming, you bring in the toys, you borrow a page from the lesbians, and you get pegged. And then maybe if the pressure's off, if he can successfully top you with a strap on, he will enjoy it more. He'll be less self conscious about it. And if you get something that's relatively close in size to his dick and you can ping back and forth when he's hard between his dick and the strap on, yeah, that could work too. He needs to get a little bit more honest with you. If something else is going on and the two of you together, if indeed he does enjoy topping you and wants to figure out how to make this work. Two of you together need to get a little bit more creative.
- [40:48]
Caller 6 (Landlord ball gag)
Hi, I'm a mid-30s great gal, and I'm calling with a question about a landlord. So I am currently moving into a new house with a roommate. We've met the landlord several times, done several walkthroughs, and he and I have had a little bit of a contentious dynamic. He is really slow moving, doesn't really want to get anything done around the house as far as maintenance and landscaping. And there's a lot of things that I think are basic expectations. So he and I have kind of had a lot of friction around that. I've been very adamant and really, you know, strong about it. And he is not very much non confrontational. You know, he could tell that he's kind of a bookish type. He's in finance, he's really smart and kind of a little bit less outgoing to my. A little bit more outgoing, aggressive personality. He's a little bit more submissive by nature. And so the, the dynamic usually is him kind of being, you know, like, passive. And I'm a little bit more aggressive about everything. So anyway, I have just gotten the impression that he doesn't really like me and I don't love dealing with him. So time to get the keys. I was there today by myself and I went to the bathroom, opened the top drawer, and realized that he had left behind a ball G. Everything else was completely empty and the entire house. The only thing is, in the very top drawer of my bathroom, which he knows is my bathroom, he left a ball gag. So at first I was like, oh, my gosh, this totally tracks. He is totally the type to wear women's panties and want to be, you know, bullied a little. And, you know, if I'm being honest, I'm a little into that. And then a friend brought up the fact that, like, he may have left it behind as a threat. So now I'm concerned. I'm not sure how to take it. I don't know if I should tell him I found it. I've told a few friends. People are kind of going both directions on this. I don't really know. I'm not here to yuck someone's yum and kink shame. You know, maybe he thought it was hot that I found it, you know, and it's just that. Or maybe it's something more. So, Dan, what do you think?
- [43:02]
Dan Savage
Chain of custody. The chronological, paper trail or documentation that records the sequence of control transfer, analysis and disposition of physical, digital, or biological evidence. This ball gag. Have you established a chain of custody? You're making large leaps here into fantasy. Kind of sounds like you want to fuck your landlord. Frankly, that seems to be where your head is going. Because when I Occam's razor this shit, I don't see the landlord putting a ball gag in a drawer in a bathroom where you might find it as him sending you some secret ball gag smoke signal about wanting you to shut the fuck up, about all the maintenance that needs to be done before you move in. I see that as evidence that the previous tenants. This is not where your landlord lives. He did not move out so you could move in. The previous tenants might have been some kinky motherfuckers who forgot their ball gag or left a ball gag in a drawer by accident. That seems likelier to me. Then your landlord went out and acquired a ball gag or took one from his own playroom in the apartment or house where he actually lives and put it in that drawer in the hopes that you would find it. That just seems unlikely. And you are already fantasizing about who your landlord was erotically or sexually based on your interactions with him. You're aggressive, he's submissive. And then you find this ball gag, and it's to you, feels like a couple of dots that you've just been able to connect. And to me, it seems like it seems like you want your landlord to be a kinky motherfucker. I don't think your landlord's a kinky motherfucker. I think the previous tenants might be kinky motherfuckers. And you say that you're a direct person. Okay, Next time your landlord is over, show it to him. Say, hey, this was in a drawer in the bathroom. Do you need to return this to the previous tenants? And you'll be able to get a read on whether it was his ball gag that he left there to send you a message, I think based on his reaction, so long as you aren't engaged in dickful twatful thinking when you're interpreting his reaction. He might be embarrassed, he might blush, not because it's his, but because sex toys aren't his thing and thinking about what his previous tenants were getting up to isn't something that he wants to think about. But you'll get a better read if you can separate wishful thinking or the assumptions you've already made about who he is sexually from the reaction you get from him when you aggressively confront him. Not just about deferred maintenance, but about how this butt plug got into or was left in this drawer all right, time for listener feedback. First up, a few of the written comments listeners left about last week's show at Savage Love says Denny Tron, Was I the only person clutching their pearls at the caller who slept with her butt plug in? Even without a butt with a history of swallowing plugs, that seems like a bad idea. You were not, Denny Tran, the only person clutching their pearls. I was clutching my pearls too, and it is a very bad idea, as that caller's lived experience proves, says Black David to the guy worried about disclosing his HIV status, which was to other guys in a sex club at a sex party. Dan is right in that I said you don't necessarily have to disclose under those circumstances and people in a place like that should assume other people may have hiv. Dan is right, but depending on where you are not disclosing HIV might be illegal. Some places have dumb laws about this, although I don't know if there's much overlap between places with bathhouses and places with silly HIV laws. Yes, Black David, you are correct. And I should have noted there are still HIV mandatory disclosure laws on the books in 30 states in the US and in all of Canada. Michigan. I looked it up. Most aggressive state when it comes to charging people with failure to disclose their HIV positive status to sex partners. According to the Williams Institute, there were 79 people in Michigan charged under that state's HIV non disclosure law between 1991 and 2024. Health officials, for the record, called these laws counterproductive and outdated in the era of prep and zero viral loads that we now live in. We will put a link in the show. Notes to the report from the Williams Institute A quick gl though at recent prosecutions most people charged were in relationships, usually opposite sex relationships and not gay men having sex with strangers in sex clubs, says JJ72 to the caller who exposed his straight friend's so called misbehavior. What the fuck? You act as if he ran out on you on your wedding day and left you standing at the altar. You had sex once and it was sex with someone who was a your friend b in distress and c straight and d probably not sober. That is a rather toxic combination. That alone makes you look like the bad guy, says Jake Hardmode. The hand versus Mouth debate is very simple. Most of us have hands and can easily reach our dicks with our hands. While most of us have mouths, very few of us can reach our dicks with our mouths. As great as kissing is, Jake concludes, I will take the warm wet blow job over the hand job Got something to say about something I said on this week's show? Jump into the comment thread at Savage Love and share it in the comments. Or give us a call at 206-302-2064 or send us a voice memo at Qavage Love if you want to say it on the show. And now Savage Love listeners who called in with comments about last week's show get to have the last word. They get to say it on this week's show.
- [48:53]
Caller 6 (Landlord ball gag)
Hi Dan, I am a lesbian from Cleveland, Ohio. I have four wonderful adopted children and a beautiful wife and we have always taken the kids to pride, so it's been super duper hot. So lots of pasties and one of my little kids asked me why the guy was wearing a bathing suit and it was a speedo, like speedo type, you know, underwear thing. And I said, because it's just really hot and that's how, you know, he's staying comfortable. So I think taking kids to pride is really, really important. My kids have been exposed since they were little and I think we've always had fun. I think people just, you know, are looking for outrage where there really is not a need for it.
- [49:40]
Caller 7 (Straight woman commentary)
I guess this is for the gay guy with a straight friend who had been hoping for more. As a straight woman, mostly straight women, I'm here to say welcome to the shittiness of straight men. Like, listening to your story. I have heard that story a million times from women who, you know, have a friend and they hold a torch for them for a long time and then, you know, at some point the guy hooks up with them and then they think it's more and it's not. And I just think, I don't know, maybe this is not a totally universal thing, but I think straight guys just sometimes want to get their rocks off and, and we're there for them. So there you go. Welcome to the party.
- [50:23]
Dan Savage
And we are going to leave it there. Got a question for me? Got a comment for us? Go to Savage Love Askdan to record and upload your question or your comment directly onto our website. Or you can email us a voice memo at Qavage Love. Or you can give us a call at 206-30-2064 and leave us a message on our answering machine. And if you tried something new and you need to tell someone about it, hey, tell me about it. Email us at Qavage Love and you might be my next guest on After Action Report. Follow me at bluesky Ansavage. Follow me on Instagram dansavage. Follow Stephen Dubner on Instagram @stephenjdubner and watch his new show Better in Person on the Freakonomics Radio YouTube channel channel. Or get the audio version of Better in Person wherever you get your podcasts. The Savage Lovecast. This podcast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and Nancy and the tech savvy at Risk youth. We will all be back at you next week. Another installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thank you for downloading. Sam.