Savage Love Episode 1029

Summary

Savage Lovecast Episode 1029 — July 28, 2026
Host: Dan Savage

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Episode Overview

This episode of the Savage Lovecast features Dan Savage answering listener questions about sex, kink, and relationships. The central theme is the ongoing tension between sexual freedom and societal judgments, specifically highlighted by France’s controversy over a supposed "ban" on gang bangs. The show also addresses a wide range of sexual topics, including body image, insecurity in open relationships, intersex sexual health, and handling post-breakup boundaries within kink communities. Dan responds with his trademark blend of humor, empathy, and sex-positive insight, always advocating for consent and self-knowledge. The tone is candid, affirming, and direct.

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Main Segment: France’s "Gang Bang Ban" and Cultural Reactions

[00:23–10:05]

• Viral Misreporting: Dan unpacks the viral online narrative that "France banned all gang bangs," tracing it to a misleading headline by journalist Lucas Granger. The reality is more nuanced: France’s highest court upheld the shutdown of a Paris club hosting orgies/gang bangs, not a national ban. The basis? “Human dignity.”

  “Seems to me that Granger could have squeezed ‘some’ into that headline and we all would have avoided a lot of confusion.”
  — Dan Savage [00:44]

• Legal and Ethical Implications: The court was troubled not by consensual group sex per se, but by commodified sex—and by the performative elements of these events (roleplay including "kidnapping" scenarios). Dan points out that all participants were consenting adults, making the ban more about subjective values than legal infractions.

  “Stripping women of their sexual agency like this does not protect women from the insult to their dignity that is rape.”
  — Dan Savage [03:09]

• Slippery Slope & Precedent: There’s concern in France’s libertine community that this sets a precedent, threatening all commercial venues for group sex (including LGBTQ+ spaces).

• Sex, Safety, & Social Good: Dan defends commercial sex spaces, arguing they allow women (and others) to safely pursue group sex fantasies, which increases happiness and autonomy.

  “Adults enjoying safe and consensual gangbangs in a commercial sex space seems an odd thing for authorities in France to concern themselves with at a moment when France…is quite literally burning.”
  — Dan Savage [06:50]

  “If you claim to be bothered by what consenting adults are doing in private...you need to get your ass into therapy, not into court.”
  — Dan Savage [09:50]

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Featured Caller Questions & Dan’s Advice

1. Are perpetually hard nipples in men normal?

[11:30–13:25]

• Dan reassures a caller that male nipples vary widely. Factors like gynomastia, friction, or regular nipple play may explain constant hardness, but it's usually within the range of normal.

• Suggests a doctor’s visit if concerned, but emphasizes bodily diversity.

  “There is a broad range of what is normal for different body parts…your perpetually hard nipples could just be the way your nipples roll.”
  — Dan Savage [13:10]

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2. Intersex Kinkster Considering Sounding

[13:25–15:07] Caller’s timestamp; [15:07–18:17] Dan’s advice

• A forthright intersex caller (perineal hypospadias, history of surgeries) wants to try urethral sounding but finds most medical advice risk-averse and dismissive.

  “Our bodies are ours to use, ours to enjoy, ours to use up. And people take risks all the time for sexual pleasure…A risk that arouses someone is always regarded as an illegitimate or irrational risk. I don’t feel that way.”
  — Dan Savage [15:59]

• Dan’s advice: Start slowly, with narrower sounds; fully informed consent is key. Accept the risk, as with extreme sports, but proceed mindfully.

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3. Blowjob Bruises at Age 66 — Should I Cover Up?

[19:16–20:32] Caller; [20:32–24:04] Dan’s advice

• A 66-year-old woman loves giving enthusiastic blowjobs and sometimes gets lip bruises. Should she be worried what others think?

  “There’s no way to get out in front of this. You can’t say to people, ‘Hey, just wanted you to know I love giving head. I am team blowjob.’…So you’re just gonna have to let people either not notice.”
  — Dan Savage [20:40]

• Dan says few will notice. If people ask, some (concerned about domestic violence) may check in, which is good. Enthusiastic blowjob-giving is something to celebrate!

  “Always so great to hear from women who are enthusiastic givers of enthusiastic blowjobs. I think it’s important for men…to know that women like you exist.”
  — Dan Savage [23:30]

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4. "Never Fight" — West Coast Surfer Torn Between Girlfriend and Best Friend

[24:37–27:09] Caller; [27:09–33:19] Dan’s advice

• Caller is happy with his current girlfriend, but their life plans diverge. He’s also falling for his ex-roommate/best friend (now abroad).

• Dan calls “never fighting” a red flag—often a sign the relationship isn’t built for long-term challenges.

  “You need practice resolving conflict...So when you say there’s a lot of love here and you don’t fight and there is this looming conflict...it makes me think your relationship is less of a relationship and more of a holding pattern.”
  — Dan Savage [27:24]

• Suggests: take a surfing trip to see the friend, clarify feelings, and then decide. It’s normal to have feelings for more than one person, but poly may not be feasible, so choices must be made.

  “Pick a face. Pick one face and have a seat on it.”
  — Dan Savage [32:38]

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5. Feeling Inadequate After Bi Boyfriend's MMF Threesome

[33:19–35:13] Caller; [35:13–39:26] Dan’s advice

• A woman and her bi boyfriend explore pegging and then an MMF threesome. She notices her boyfriend seems more thrilled than ever with a man and feels insecure.

  “You can be super ggg and have insecurities and need reassurance from your partner.”
  — Dan Savage [35:19]

• Dan reframes her role: she isn’t expected to be “all things” sexually; instead, she’s the gateway to an abundance of pleasure for her partner.

• The boyfriend’s ecstasy is likely enhanced because his girlfriend was present, not in spite of her.

  “So you were an integral part of what drove him to these peaks of ecstasy, I will bet you…I think the quickest way to get around…the fear that I’m not enough is just to accept that no, indeed you are not, and no one is.”
  — Dan Savage [37:34]

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6. Can I "Kinkify" a Breakup Sex Break?

[39:26–40:44] Caller; [40:44–43:44] Dan’s advice

• Caller ended the romantic aspect of a relationship but wants to maintain a friendship—and maybe, later, resume sex. She wants to kinkify their mandated abstinence (chastity play).

  “My hunch is that you wanted to end the romantic part...This other woman was a little hurt by that. Wants to take a break from sex. It wasn’t exactly a mutual decision.”
  — Dan Savage [41:10]

• Dan says chastity play is part of sex/kink, not a clean break. If your ex asks for a full pause, respect that—don't try to “engineer sex into the break you are taking from sex.”

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Listener Feedback Highlights

[43:44–49:14]

• Listeners provide thoughts on gloryholes, pubic hair and beauty standards, and inequality in expectations around body hair.

• Notable moment: A woman calls out the pressure for women to remove hair to increase odds of oral sex, noting the social context and persistent gendered grooming norms.

  “If I want to increase the odds of my partner going down on me, I’m eliminating all barriers. So women have been socialized to this for decades now.”
  — Caller [47:36]

• Another caller celebrates the return of natural body hair:

  “I think there is a growing trend with women kind of embracing their body hair again and I love it…a creepy beauty standard that is very related to women looking young...Women aren’t really allowed to look mature.”
  — Caller [48:06]

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Memorable Quotes

• “If you claim to be bothered by what consenting adults are doing in private...you need to get your ass into therapy, not into court.”
  — Dan Savage [09:50]

• “You were an integral part of what drove him to these peaks of ecstasy, I will bet you.”
  — Dan Savage [37:40]

• “Pick a face. Pick one face and have a seat on it.”
  — Dan Savage [32:38]

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• [00:23] France’s “gang bang” ruling and viral misinformation
• [06:50] Social good of supporting safe, regulated group sex
• [11:30] Perpetually hard male nipples—normal or medical?
• [13:25] Intersex caller on urethral sounding risk
• [19:16] Enthusiastic 66-year-old fellatrix wonders about “blowjob bruises”
• [24:37] Surfer caught between two women—love, geography, and what’s next?
• [33:19] Feeling secondary after bi boyfriend's MMF threesome
• [39:26] Can a sex break be “kinkified”?
• [43:44] Listener feedback: body hair, gloryholes, and beauty standards

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Final Notes

• Dan closes as always by reminding listeners that knowing themselves and communicating boundaries and desires is the key to sexual happiness.
• For the Magnum extended cut, he interviews a sex clown—subscription info at savage.love.

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Savage Lovecast Episode 1029 balances cultural critique with personal advice, championing autonomy, consent, and the pursuit of authentic, safe pleasure.

Transcript

[Dan Savage]

You're listening to the Savage Lovecast, Dan Savage's sex and relationship show for grown ups. If you're under 18, get out of here, youngin.

If you're stuck in a relationship quandary, or if you're looking for sexual harmony,

[Caller - 66 year old woman]

well, there's nothing you can't pass

[Sam]

on.

[Dan Savage]

The Savage Lovecast. You can still host, you can still attend, you can still be the main attraction at a gang bang in France. You may have seen posts flying around on social media this week claiming that France had banned gang bangs on the ground that gangbangs are not compatible with human dignity. And while France's highest court did use that language in a recent ruling, the court did not attempt to do the impossible by literally banning gang bangs in France. How would that ruling even be enforced? So. So how did everyone suddenly, all at once online, get the impression that France had banned gang bangs? I would trace it to a viral post by journalist Lucas Granger, a content creator, he says, who works at the intersection of culture, sexuality and contemporary society. In his post that went very viral. He makes it clear in the post that France's highest court hadn't banned all gang bangs, just some gang bangs. But people don't read past headlines. And Granger's post was headlined, France just Banned Gang Bangs Again. It was only some gang bangs. Seems to me that Granger could have squeezed some into that headline and we all would have avoided a lot of confusion. What happened was this. France's highest court upheld a lower court ruling that shut down a business in Paris that hosted private orgies and gang bangs. Men had to pay to enter, women did not have to pay and enter. Simple laws of supply and demand there. But there is no evidence that the women who were attending these gang bangs were unwilling participants or were paid to be there. So no laws were being broken. But the courts have ruled. France's highest court has ruled that in this case doesn't matter. They can shut a club down for violating abstract and subjective notions of what constitutes human dignity. The libertine community, or libertine community as Granger describes it. I think libertine. Libertine is French for sex positive. The libertine community has concerns. There's worry in the libertine community that a precedent has been set here and that other sex spaces, other sex clubs, gay bath houses just for fun dungeons could be closed next. And on the same grounds. The Marianne, a French news and culture weekly that covered the case, wrote the judges did not approve of the staged events at these parties, which sometimes included sexual assault Confinement and kidnapping. Not actual sexual assaults or kidnappings, as the judges confirmed in their ruling, but events based on a scenario agreed upon by the participants. So it's roleplay. Roleplay involving subjugation, which is what most sexual roleplay involves. That's an insult to human dignity and therefore something authorities can ban if it's happening in a commercial venue. So the libertine community, which relies on commercial venues to come together as a community, and, yeah, I think they have cause to be alarmed. The court's action here has to be seen in the light of the Pellicott trial. We've talked a lot about the Pellicott trial on the show. For years, a man in France was drugging his wife and inviting strangers he found online to rape her when she was unconscious. But consensual group sex is not rape, and the assumption that women cannot consent to it, Stripping women of their sexual agency like this does not protect women from the insult to their dignity that is rape. I know they're not for everybody. They are not for me. But some people like gang bangs. Men fantasize about group sex more. Men fantasize about everything more. But a majority of women report fantasizing about group sex. It's not hard for a gay man who wants to be gangbanged to pull that together for himself, whether he's using the apps or walking into a sex club. But a woman who wants to be at the center of a gangbang, a woman who wants to realize her fantasies of getting gangbanged in a safe and controlled way. And yeah, that pretty much requires a well regulated sex club where patrons are screened, where the men are screened, where rules are enforced and bouncers are standing by. And I gotta say, adults enjoying safe and consensual gangbangs in a commercial sex space seems an odd thing for authorities in France to concern themselves with at a moment when France, if not Paris, is quite literally burning. There are wildfires burning out of control right now in France and Spain and Scotland. That is a what about ism I realize, and one that cuts both ways. I can say to the justices of France's highest court, why is the court concerning itself with gang bangs and commercial sex clubs when France is on fire? And the justices can turn around and say to me, why are you concerning yourself with our ban on gang bangs when France is on fire? To which I would say to them, your honors, if it may please the court, as the world burns around us, it's not just that we have more important things to worry about. It's that People having consensual group sex in a basement in Paris is not a thing we need to be worrying about at all. For the record, I'm not vouching for these particular parties at this particular sex club. I read everything I could find, but there were paywalls and language barriers and I don't know if Google Translate screwed anything up. But if women were attending these parties of their own free will, the parties were not harming their dignity. They were affirming their dignity, their right to control their own bodies and to take pleasure, as they define it as individuals, from their own bodies. I know it's hard sometimes for people with mainstream sexual interests to wrap their heads around someone actually wanting to be gang banged or wanting to be flogged or pissed on or have sex with a clown. More on clown sex coming up on today's show. But people do want all of these things. There are probably people out there who want all of these things at once. Some sicko somewhere last night was probably masturbating to the thought of being gang banged by a bunch of sadistic clowns with full bladders. And it seems to me that increasing the sum total of human happiness in this world is a social good. To live in a world where more people are walking around feeling sexually fulfilled, more people than walk around feeling sexually frustrated, that would be good. And if we want that, and we should, we have to allow for people who want to be gang banged by clowns or civilians to patronize places where one, they can explore their fantasies as safely as possible and two, they can explore their fantasies without bothering anyone. And if, as seems to be the case in France, where the complaints that led to the ban were brought by people who heard about these parties but didn't attend them, if you claim to be bothered by what consenting adults are doing in private, in the absolute privacy of their own homes or in the relative privacy of a sex club. If you insist that other people's pleasures must be regulated or banned because you can't stop thinking about someone somewhere sucking off a clown or getting gang banged by libertines in Paris, you need to get your ass into therapy, not into court. All right, quick note before we start the show to Berliners in our listenership. Berlin is perhaps my favorite place in the world. A wonderful city full of interesting, loving, creative people. As all of my listeners probably know, there was an attack on the Christopher Street Parade in Berlin on Saturday night. That's the annual Pride Parade in Berlin, which left one woman dead and nearly 30 injured atheists. We don't do prayers. We do thoughts. When my mom was very ill, she would ask me to keep her in my thoughts, which I did. So I want to tell everyone that I know and love in Berlin and everyone I've known and loved in Berlin that you are all very much in my thoughts right now. All right. Coming up on this Week's show, a 66 year old woman loves giving blowjob. But in her enthusiasm, she ends up with bruises on her lips. Are people clocking that after some reluctance on her part, a woman and her bisexual boyfriend got into pegging. But when they invited a guy to have a three way, the caller was dismayed to see the guest star gave her boyfriend more pleasure than she's ever seen. What could it mean? How should she feel about it? And on the Magnum, as promised, I chat with a sex clown. Barney Muckle is here to educate me about clown fetish and clown porn. He's amazing and charming. You can listen to that interview if you are a Magnum subscriber. If you are not yet a Magnum subscriber, go to Savage Love. Click on subscribe to get access to the longer ad free guest filled Magnum episodes of the Savage Lovecast and so much more. We appreciate your, your support. And one last thing before we start the show. Are you still watching porn alone? Okay, sometimes you need to. Sometimes watching porn alone is the best way to watch porn. But porn can also be an amazing communal experience. And it's never more amazing communally than it is at the Hump Film Festival. Hump returns to theaters this fall with an all new season of unforgettable films. New films, new fantasies, new achievements. Unlocked. Tickets go on sale August 1st. Visit humpfilmfest.com to watch the fall official trailer for Hump 2026 Fall Tour. To find out whether Hump is coming to your city or a city near you. And to get yourself some tickets before they sell out. All right, let's get to the first call.

Hey, everybody, it's Nancy. And guess what? We are going to do another quickies show. That's where you keep your questions to under one minute. And Dan is somehow going to keep his answers to under three minutes. I'm going to tell him he's got three minutes to answer your questions. So send them in. Send them in right now and we'll have that show ready for you in a little bit. And for these quickie shows, you really can't ask anything at all. Like ask Dan what he's been reading or ask Dan what he thinks about this or that. Or ask Dan to share his top secret recipe for cookie coconut bars that he makes at Christmas. But keep it quick. Record your question on your phone and send it to Qavage Love. Or you can call us up. 206-302-2064 make it quick.

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This episode is brought to you by Field, an app where curious people come to connect. Download Field on the App Store or Google Play and find out why so many of my listeners are already using it. Hey Dan, is it normal for a guy to always have his nipples hard? Like they stay hard, they don't ever like go soft or anything? I was just curious because I heard different stories. I hear that sometimes it is normal and then I heard that it's not. And then I also heard that it could be a medical treatment issue, but so that's the word. I wanted to know if that was normal for a guy to always have hard nipples. According to Dr. Google could be a sign. Puffy, not necessarily hard nipples of gynomocastia, which is a condition where a male person develops a little bit extra breast tissue. Also, if somebody is a runner, nipples could be constantly irritated. And if somebody is into really hardcore nipple play, like forceps as clamps, nipple tissues can toughen up over time and nipples can become more prominent and just feel a little thicker and denser because of, you know, the trauma and the healing from the clamping process. But nipples. In my experience, male nipples come in all different shapes and sizes and all different consistencies and densities. So if you're concerned about your nipples or your partner's nipples, you could have a doctor take a quick look at them. But there is a broad range of what is normal for different body parts. Dicks, vulvas, nipples, tits, ass, butt, everything. And your hard nipples, or your perpetually hard nipples or your constantly erect nipples could just be the way your nipples roll. Not necessarily a sign that anything is Wrong.

[Caller - Intersex Kinkster]

Hi Dan, I'm a Kinkster in my 40s and I have a medical question I'm interested in trying sounding that is inserting objects into my urethra. But I'm intersex. So when I was born I had a dick, but no male urethra within it, just a urethral opening on my perineum close to where a woman would have one. The medical term is perineal hypospadias. I had a urethroplasty surgery non consensually at age 2 by the way, which should be banned. They took my foreskin and partly cut it, formed it into a tube and shoved it down my dick to form a makeshift urethra and it didn't quite work. I still have a few small openings on the other underside of my dick that go all the way into my urethra known as fistulae that further surgeries were not able to close up. So the mainstream advice for trying sounding under these circumstances is don't. But I'm skeptical. The medical community is notoriously uneducated about intersex issues. And I have some pleasure receptive tissue not that far down there, just waiting to be tickled by my dom's vibrating sound, for instance. So the argument against is that the foreskin tissue that forms my urethra is not as stretchy as an endosex urethra, leading to a risk of tearing or a sound could catch on the other holes lower down. On the other hand, those fucking doctors put catheters and rods down there willy nilly for years, which is essentially sounding. So I'm skeptical.

[Dan Savage]

You are right. A lot of medical professionals are not educated about intersex issues. Also a lot of medical professionals are risk averse, especially where it comes to sexual pleasure, sexual exploration. A medical professional reading your chart, looking at your dick may tell you that you should err on the side of caution when it comes to in a sexual environment, shoving a steel rod up your urethra, considering the fistula, considering the fact that the tissue isn't as stretchy as non intersex person's urethra, might be that you're running a real risk there. But my POV is our bodies are ours to use, ours to enjoy, ours to use up. And people take risks all the time for sexual pleasure. When people take risks for non sexual pleasures, people jump out of airplanes when people go back country skiing, things that have a real risk of death or injury, everyone's like well yeah, you know, gotta live. You only live once and People have a right, adrenaline junkies have a right to take these risks. Well, even publicly fund a ski patrol to rescue these people when their pleasures get them into trouble. But if it's somebody who wants to, you know, get double penetrated, if it's somebody who wants to experiment with different kinks that pose some risk, everyone's like, why on earth would you take that risk? A risk that arouses someone is always regarded as an illegitimate or irrational risk. I don't feel that way. You are allowed to take this risk if you want to take this risk. And you make an excellent point when you say medical professionals throughout your life have been shoving catheters up your urethra. And so why couldn't you, with your partner, take this risk using a sound? You can absolutely take this risk using sound. But just like that person who goes back country skiing, if you slam into a tree, you have to accept the consequences. You do risk, as these medical professionals, as your medical professionals have warned you, you risk injury. So if you're going to get sounded by your partner, maybe not a big one, maybe not a vibrating one at first, maybe slow, careful, a very narrow sound, something not quite as wide as the last catheter that you had inserted, and you'll have to be very conscientious and your partner who is sounding you will have to be very conscientious about the higher degree of difficulty here when it comes to sounding you compared to sounding someone who doesn't have your medical history. And then hopefully it'll be a good experience. If it is a bad experience, well, then you're going to have to rush to an emergency room and have that addressed. And you might have to look your doctor in the eye and say those three magic words that everybody kind of secretly loves to hear. You were right.

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[Caller - 66 year old woman]

Hi, Dan, I'm a longtime Magnum subscriber, a 66 year old hetero married woman, and I want to ask you about blowjob bruises, because I've never heard one bring this up. I love to give blow jobs and occasionally it's pretty very enthusiastic and I end up with a bruise either just above my upper lip or below my lower lip. I think it happens maybe when my fist curled around my guy's is banging against my mouth and my teeth. And I kind of dig it, you know, because it's sort of like a fun memory. But do other people know what that is? Because I don't wear makeup and I don't want to be too obvious. Or is it just a thing where if you know, you know, and if somebody does know, then it's because they're cool with blow jobs, I mean, is this something I should cover up? Or can I just kind of go out in the world with my little bruise on my lip and be okay with it?

[Dan Savage]

There's no way to get out in front of this. You can't say to people, hey, just wanted you to know I love giving head. I am teamblowjob. Love having my face fucked. Nothing better than wrapping a fist around the base of a cock and letting that guy, my guy, fucking fuck my face. Hence this bruise. You can't say that to people, so you're just gonna have to let people either not notice. I once, long time ago, when I was still in the closet, actually had a busted lip from giving a blowjob. And I was convinced I was gonna go home and my mom and my siblings were gonna see that busted lip and know everything. And I would be outed by a busted lip. But nobody even noticed I had a slightly bruised, swollen lower lips. So my money's on no one's gonna really notice. The concern here though, is a 66 year old partnered woman with a male partner going out regularly with bruises on her face. Some people might think, oh, is there a DV situation going on here? Are you being abused? If someone notices and they're positioned in such a way in your life that they're the right person to express concern, maybe they will bring it up. A doctor, a close friend, a therapist, and ask you if everything's okay. And at that moment you could say, love having my face fucked. Sorry we had to have this conversation, but good for you. Team Blowjob Team Getting your face fucked Enthusiastic blowjobs Always so great to hear from women who are enthusiastic givers of enthusiastic blowjobs. I think it's important for men, straight men out there to know that women like you exist because I hear from straight men all the time. Sometimes I hear from straight men confiding in me personally that because they sleep with women, they have never had a truly enthusiastic blowjob. The kinds of enthusiastic blowjobs they hear about gay men giving or they've seen gay men giving when they've looked at a little bit of gay porn. So they should know that the brass ring that women like you who love having their faces fucked, even to the point of some low key, perhaps noticeable physical after effects that you are out there. Good for you. Enjoy. Enjoy your battle scars. This episode is brought to you by Quints simple stylish clothing that has elevated my fit. It's much easier in the summer to throw on shorts and a T shirt and with the things I've gotten from Quince, my comfortable clothes, my shorts, my T shirts, they actually look good. That's because Quint's focuses on well made essentials that naturally become those everyday staples you actually live in all season long. Quince's 100% European linen pants and shirts are breathable, easy to throw on, and the summer upgrade your rotation needs starting at just $34. Their tees are soft enough to live in all day and the lightweight cotton sweaters, they're exactly what you want when summer nights cool down or if you're in Seattle, if they never heated up in the first place. Everything at Quints is priced at 50 to 80% less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories to cut out the middlemen. So you're paying for exceptional quality, not brand markup. When Terry drags me to a party or God forbid, a bar, I'm all set in my European linen utility shirt. I just toss it on over a T shirt and I am ready to cut.

[Sam]

Go.

[Dan Savage]

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[Caller - 27 year old man with relationship dilemma]

27 year old here, dating a 23 year old girl in Los Angeles, California. We've been dating for about two years. Everything's been going really well. There's a lot of love. We never fight. Good at working things out. She's so comforting, so supportive. My family loves her. I love her family. The problem is that she's from the east coast and likely to end up on the East Coast. She wants to go to graduate school on the East Coast. She's expressed to me that she wants to live on the east coast long term. I, on the other hand, like really love the west Coast. I have a career out here. My family's out here, my friends are out here. I also love surfing. It's a huge part of my life. And the east coast isn't super conducive to like a surfy lifestyle. That's one problem. The second problem is that I have a best friend. She used to be my roommate and we, and we met through surfing. We went surfing all the time. And she lives in New Zealand doing a PhD right now. I recently realized I have very strong feelings for her and I am basically sure they're mutual. So, like, I know that there's this shared strong feelings here. We chat all the time. It's always great. You know, it's more on friend vibes, but, you know, there is something there and it's like kind of intense, but, you know, we don't ever mention it. Obviously surfing is a huge part of how we both live our lives and how we both see ourselves in the future. Which is also confusing because my current girlfriend doesn't totally understand that, like, obsession that we have with this, you know, common interest. My girlfriend is friends with this girl too. You know, like, everyone gets along well. But basically I am in this very confusing situation in which, you know, my girlfriend is feeling like she's gonna leave at some point, but, you know, doesn't want to break up. And I don't know what to do at all. Like, I can't tell, like if the love that I have for my current girlfriend is fading. Like, I honestly think about this other girl more, but maybe that's because she's not here. And my current girlfriend, you know, I see all the time. How can you tell? Like, if love is fading in that way at one point, do I end it? Like, there's nothing wrong with the relationship per se. Why would I end it if nothing is wrong? But, like, I really do like this other girl. I feel like my current girlfriend would be so confused and so sad and then like, do I tell my friend that I have feelings for her? It feels so stupid to blow something up right now that is like over a hypothetical maybe, you know, in the future, you know, this other girl, she's not going to be back for two years. I don't know what to do.

[Dan Savage]

Never fight. You say that you and your current girlfriend that you love very much sounds like a great relationship, that you never fight. That is a red flag for me. Not about an individual in the relationship, not a fault of hers, not a fault of yours, but a red flag about the relationship. A red flag the relationship itself is waving. Because you need practice resolving conflict. You need practice, you need conflict so that you can identify the things that you need to change to be together and identify the things that aren't going to change. So that you can both figure out whether those particular prices of admission, those things about her that aren't going to change for you and vice versa. That those poas prices of admission, their prices of admission, you're willing to pay to make this relationship work. So when you say there's a lot of love here and you don't fight and there is this looming conflict about where you're going to end up, she wants to live on the east coast close to her family. You want to stay on the west coast close to the waves. And you haven't run that to ground, you haven't fought that out, you haven't figured out after two years, if you are going to stay together, who's going to pay that price of admission? It makes me think your relationship is less of a relationship and more of a holding pattern that you're not fighting because you both know you're not going to wind up together. So the stakes are low. Why fight about this thing that impacts the long term when you both know consciously or subconsciously that this is more situationship than relationship holding pattern. You're going to be together for as long as you can be together and it's going to be a great relationship. But at some point you're going to part because the relationship isn't going to serve either of your long term goals about where you want to live. So you're keeping the present nice and chill because you know there's no future to fight over. The wrench in the works here is this other woman, this potential relationship, you have feelings for someone else who may not reciprocate those feelings. The ass is always greener. Yeah, if I were in your shoes I might gin up an excuse to go on a surfing trip with this other woman. Your girlfriend knows this other person likes this other person. I don't think it'll be a huge problem for your girlfriend who doesn't enjoy surfing. If you said you wanted to check out the waves in New Zealand and you're going to go surfing in New Zealand. And then the minute you get there, tell her, tell. Ask her how she feels about you. And if these feelings are mutual, it is possible to be in love with more than one person at a time. Most people in opposite sex relationships aren't allowed to love more than one person at a time, actively have concurrent committed romantic relationships. So poly is probably not on the table for you and you're gonna get the other woman reciprocates your feelings, she feels the same way and has always wanted to be with you. You will have to choose and you will be choosing someone that you've never been in a relationship with. And you don't know whether you would get along as well or love each other as much as you love your current girlfriend. You have some certainty and sureties with the current girlfriend and you have questions and possibilities with this other woman could instantly be shut down if the other woman is like, no, dude, you misread me. That is some dickful surfer boy thinking, I never thought of you that way. And then you would have some clarity and then you would have to make a decision about whether you want to stay with the woman you love. Some people out there are going to say that if you were on the fence about who you wanted to be with, you don't love the woman that you're with right now. I disagree. It's possible to catch feelings for more than one person at a time. And then, as Debbie Boone once sang, wind up torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool and then having to. Well, Debbie Boone didn't sing this part, but pick a face. Pick one face and have a seat on it. Go to New Zealand, get some clarity, call me back and then we'll game it out. This episode is brought to you by Field, the dating app you keep hearing my callers talk about on this show. If you're wondering why, it's because Field serves the curious, the open minded, and people who know that the concept of normal is overrated. Swipe culture. Not a thing. On Field, you can browse profiles without having to say yes or no right away and take your time making intentional decisions about who you engage with. Put your interests and desires right on your profile. Desires like Being a brat, exploring DS or bdsm, and even friendship. Field supports honesty in its very architecture. Your bio can be as long as you like. But if you have something you only want to say to people you're vibing with that you've connected with, you can write a hidden bio which you choose when to share with potential future lovers and friends. And active consent is embedded into the very design of field. For example, DM'd photos with nudity are automatically blurred to give the recipient the opportunity to decide for themselves if they want to see them. And Field has a new feature called Reflections. It's designed to reveal you to yourself what you desire, the relationship style that works best for you, your boundaries. By answering these deeper questions about yourself, you can reflect before you connect. What are my actual boundaries? What do I deeply desire? What type of relationship do I really want? If you have the language to say what you want, if you can use your words, you will be so much closer to getting what you want. You know, it sounds a lot like the advice I give people on this show. Know thyself, little introspection. Use your words. Try Reflections right now by visiting Field, co Reflections or by downloading Field on the App Store or Google Play Field. It's where it's at and it's where my people are at. And if you're one of my people, you're going to want to get on field.

[Caller - Woman with bisexual boyfriend]

Hi Dan, I have a question about my bisexual boyfriend. We have been together for nearly five years now. I am more hetero, flexible, kind of leaning towards straight. We are very ggg. So a couple months ago my boyfriend said that he wanted to be pegged and that was something that at first I was like I don't want to do. But once we got into it and I kind of got past my like feeling of uncomfortableness or like the power genetics being switched, then I really enjoyed it and he really, really enjoys it. So it's like a regular part of our sex, sex life now. And a week ago we invited a special guest into the bedroom, which is a guy that is also bisexual that I've hooked up with in the past and he is really great. Basically that time of the night, it was a great threesome. But that time that I came when the threesome became a twosome and I basically was watching my, my boyfriend get in the ass. And I've never seen that, you know, by another man. And, and while it was like super hot and great, the look on his face was like different than when I peg him. And maybe I'M feeling like vulnerable and that I'm like, I'm not able to give him what this man gave him. And I don't know, like he shot his load and. But like, definitely harder than I have seen him do that before. It seemed different. He seemed like way more euphoric. And maybe that's in my head. But afterwards he was like, oh my God, that was amazing. We should make that like a weekly thing. And obviously I just feel like, I don't know, I'm feeling a little bit like, like, am I good enough? You know? And I don't want to bring it up with him because I'm like super ggg. So does anyone else feel like that or. I don't know, why am I feeling like this? It should have been like hot and amazing, but it wasn't. And I don't know where to go from here.

[Dan Savage]

You can be super ggg and you obviously are. You were. He wanted to try something. He wanted to get dicked down by somebody with a biodick, an organic dick. You were a little squicked out even by pegging at first. You gave pegging a try. You stepped outside your comfort zone. You liked it. And then you progressed to a three way with a dude who dicked your boyfriend down. You are super ggg. You can be super GGG and have insecurities and need reassurance from your partner. It was great for him. It was amazing for him. There were parts of it that left you feeling a little outside the action and left you feeling inadequate. I could help you reframe the experience. Are you enough for your boyfriend? Well, your boyfriend has a girlfriend who'll peg him and your boyfriend has a girlfriend who's down or was down and maybe down again in the future to have mmf three ways with him. So you can look at that and say, well, I'm obviously not enough because I can't give him the dick that he needs, the bio dick that he clearly needs every once in a while. Or you can say to yourself, he gets to have everything he wants because he has me. So I am the conduit through which enough flows. You are the pipeline that brings to him enough everything. He gets to have you. He gets to have you and your strap on and you and piv and you and oral and then you and someone else every once in a while. If you can reframe. The experience is not, oh, I'm obviously inadequate because I can't be all things to another human being, to this human being. Sexually. None of us are all things to another human being sexually. I think the quickest way to get around or to work through the fear that I'm not enough is just to accept that no, indeed you are not and no one is. I would also encourage you to rethink that moment. It became a twosome. Rethink that moment that you were watching your boyfriend get dicked down and he was in ecstasy. Because I will bet you dollars to donuts it wasn't just being with a man, but it was being with a man in the context he was with a man. Being with a man with his girlfriend, the feeling of that dick in his ass getting fucked, enhanced by the presence of his girlfriend in the room, enhanced by you watching. And he may have assumed you enjoying it. And that may have driven him to, to peaks of ecstasy that is like some bucket list sexual fantasy stuff for bi guys. Not just sneaking off for some dick. Not after, you know, hammering out a DADT agreement with the wife who knows he's bi but doesn't want to have to think about it, doesn't want to see it. He got to be a bi guy who got to have a three way with his girlfriend and some other guy. And it was all of that coming together that made the getting fucked in the ass by a guy so much greater than the sum of those two parts, ass and dick, because you were there. So you were an integral part of what drove him to these peaks of ecstasy, I will bet you. And if he has any sense and you bring this up, he will tell you that so you're not enough. And you are enough. You're not enough in the way that no one is enough for anybody sexually ever. But you are enough in that being with you means your boyfriend can't have maybe not everything he wants from everyone else he might want it from, but close again. You are the pipeline, you are the conduit that delivers to him more and more close to enough. And also it wasn't just having sex with a man, it was having a three way. He didn't ask you when it was over for your permission to run off and do that on his own. He said, can we do that again? He wants to do it again with you. You're a part of this and you should own your part. In was hot for him because that dick was in his ass and it was extra hot for him because you were there.

[Caller - 66 year old woman]

Hi, 34 year old woman from the Netherlands calling in. I've been dating a woman for the past couple of months and just last week I told her I Want to end the romantic part of our relationship. And I still want to be friends. I could also imagine that at some point we start having sex again. We're both very kinky and we were really enjoying that together. But for now we thought maybe it's best to not engage in any of that for a couple of weeks. Which is hard because we're still good friends and enjoying flirting a little bit with each other also. But we won't act on it for a couple of weeks more at least. But my question is, could we like kinkify this period of abstinence for each other like some sort of chastity thing? Or would that break our rule of not doing kinky stuff? Of course the rule is there in order to give ourselves some like a cool down period and see where things land and not make things complicated in this period of trying to find a new way to relate to each other.

[Dan Savage]

What do you think you wanted to end the romantic part of this relationship? Be friends. Be friends who fuck, have sex again. And then you decided together that you would take a break from the sex that you wanted to have. My hunch is that you wanted to end the romantic part of the relationship. This other woman was a little hurt by that. Wants to take a break from sex. It wasn't exactly a mutual decision. And the evidence that it wasn't your idea to take a break from sex is that you are now trying to engineer sex into the break you are taking from sex. Kinkifying this period of abstinence. Yeah, that would break your rule not to be sexual because you wouldn't be taking a break from kink, which is sex. Chastity isn't a cool down period. It is a ramp up period. You are building the sexual tension through active denial, through locking up. If you're going to go out and buy chastity devices, I want everyone to define sex as broadly as possible. Particularly people who are vanilla need to define sex. Particularly people who are vanilla and heterosexual need to define sex as broadly as possible. So it's not just piv. Kinksters have never had a problem. I don't have to encourage kinksters to define sex as broadly as possible. Wearing a Disney mascot costume for a lot of kinksters counts as sex. Wearing diapers for a lot of kinksters counts as sex. Not having sex, doing chastity or denial for people who are aroused by chastity and denial, that counts as sex. So you are not taking a break here. You wanted to end the r the romantic relationship. She wants to take a break from sex. To cauterize the wound of your rejection, most likely. And you need to respect that rather than figure out a different way immediately right now during the break, to get back into her pants. Even if what you're getting back into her pants with is some sort of female chastity device. So give it a break. A real break. You're not going to be sexual. You're not going to engage erotically around actual sex, the having of sex, or the denial of sex as a form of sex and eroticism and play. You're just going to be friends. You're going to go out to dinner. You're going to see the invite. Go see the invite. It's amazing. You're going to hang out and you're not going to think about her pussy or what's happening to it or what's not happening to it, or your pussy and what's happening to it or not happening to it. No chastity play, which is a kind of sex play during your sex break. All right, time for listener feedback. First up, a few of the written comments listeners left about last week's show at savage love, says Delta35. A comment and a question for the college guys only Campus glory hole caller first question having blown guys in their 70s, if they shave and you only see their cock, the skin on the shaft and the glans does not show age the way the rest of the body does. At least not on the guys I've played with. And question 2 what campus restrooms still have glory holes? Asking for a friend says force majeure to the pro pubic hair. Dude, fine to have a preference, but those who prefer a shorn bush aren't all pedophiles. Dude, your revulsion at the sight of a hairless pussy feels like we're merging out of the preference and into the it is a personal affront to me that women are doing this Lane. Women make public grooming choices for all kinds of reasons, and many of those have nothing to do with a man. That said, force majeure continues, I can think of a fairly good indicator. Look for hairy armpits while there are women with shaved pits but ample pubes. I don't know that you could find one woman out there with hairy pits and a shaved pussy, says tall Canadian. Billionaires may not be literally eating babies, Dan, but in terms of the lives of children all around the world unnecessarily sacrificed to feed their insatiable greed, absolutely they are, says by Dan fan about the same call I think the caller. And then you, Dan, took her friend's comment about baby eating by billionaires a bit too literally. I would choose to interpret it as billionaires are different from us. They have zero moral compass. I wouldn't put it past them. Also, Dan, you're surely the staff would photograph this and expose it. Argument about billionaires eating babies falls flat. None of Epstein's staff on that island photographed and then exposed the abuse that was happening there. And when some of the abused themselves did, they weren't believed. Excellent point and heartbreaking point bdf and I will concede the point. All right, got something to say about something I said? Jump into the comment thread at Savage Love and share it in the comments. Or give us a call at 206-30-2064 or send us a voice memo at Qavage Love if you want to say it here on the show. And now, Savage Love listeners who called in with comments about last week's show get to have the last word on this week's show.

[Sam]

Hey Dan, for the female caller who's been losing feeling in her hand while she's fisting her boyfriend, I'm on a call to basically ask her what position he might be in. I've found that when a guy is on his back, the hole tends to kind of like clamp up a bit more. So one thing that she could try is having him kind of on all fours kind of chest down kind of naturally makes the hole a little bit more likely to gape open so it's not as much pressure on her hand. I do appreciate you mentioning all the toys that she can use, but as someone who has been fisting for a really long time, there is like a specific feeling of a hand inside of you that just like there's no amount of toy, even if it's shaped like a hand can replace, just feels really, really good. So another option that she could look into as well is they have out there kind of those tunnel plugs. So she could look for one that's the size of her boyfriend's current butthole and she could put that in first and hopefully that will do either some squishiness so that if when he does kind of clamp down the silicone kind of takes some of that pressure and not as much her hand. But yeah, I would definitely say try a bunch of different positions and see what kind of works best. I can also understand why he wouldn't want to hurt you. That's definitely not something that people enjoy hearing when they're being Sexually satisfied.

[Dan Savage]

Hey Dan, straight lady here, mid-40s, calling about the guy who was concerned about how many women have shaved their bikini lines bald.

[Caller - Woman with bisexual boyfriend]

Straight women have been fighting for men

[Dan Savage]

to go down on them forever and

men have been finding tons of excuses.

So if I want to increase the

odds of my partner going down on

me, I'm eliminating all barriers. So women have been socialized to this for decades now. So maybe he should consider a little

bit about him impressing his beliefs on somebody else who has already done a

lot to accommodate men already.

[Caller - 66 year old woman]

Hi Dan, calling about episode 1028 and the caller who was speaking about the apparent lack of body hair on women. I am a woman with hairy legs, with a hairy muff, hairy armpits, and I must say there is a very strong and prevailing beauty standard that requires women to remove their body hair. And I agree, I do. I think it's quite creepy. I think that it does promote a beauty standard that revolves around youth. And, you know, women aren't really allowed to look mature. They're not allowed to look wrinkly. You know, gray hair and pubic hair is kind of part of that. I think that there is a growing trend with like women kind of embracing their body hair again and I love it. I get such a thrill to see a hairy leg on a woman. I think that there is quite a creepy beauty standard that is very related to women looking young and looking a little bit infantile.

[Dan Savage]

And we are going to leave it there. Got a question for me? Got a comment for us? Go to Savage Love Askdan to record and upload your question or your comment or email us a voice memo at Qavage Love or give us a call at 206-30220. Tried something new and want to tell me all about it? Email us at Qavage Love. Let us know what you tried and you might be my next guest on After Action Report. And Nancy already told you, but I am going to tell you again. We are currently accepting questions for our next Quickies show. Keep your quickie question under a minute. I will try to keep my quickie answer under two, maybe three minutes and we'll see how many of your questions we can pack into a single show. Again, Savage Shot Loves. Or email voice memos to Qavage Love or leave us a message. 206-302-2064 Follow me on blueskyansavage Follow me on Instagram dansavage Follow BarneyMuckle on Instagram the mucklestoter T. Stoder on Blue sky and his podcast the Big Top, where he discusses niche kinks is available wherever you get your podcasts. This podcast, the Savage Lovecast, is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and Nancy and the tech sevy at risk youth. We will all be back at you next week on installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thank you for listening.

[Sam]

Sam.