Savage Lovecast – Episode 1011
Host: Dan Savage
Date: March 24, 2026
Episode Overview
In this lively episode, Dan Savage tackles sex and relationship questions with his characteristic candor and wit, opening with a passionate monologue about the damaging concept of “micro-cheating” and continuing with insightful advice on sexual compatibility, exploring anal sex, polyamory, and body diversity. The episode includes memorable rants, personal anecdotes, and listener questions, while fostering both humor and frank discussion about topics often left unspoken.
Main Theme: The Persistent Monster of 'Micro Cheating'
Key Segment: [00:08–09:32]
- Dan Savage opens with a comedic rant likening the concept of micro-cheating to a monster out of a slasher film—“every time I think I finally manage to kill this monster… it crawls out of its grave like Michael Myers or Freddy Krueger or Chucky. It refuses to die. It can't be killed.” [00:11]
- Critiques The Atlantic's framing of micro-cheating as a “new” infidelity, noting how the idea has been around since George W. Bush was President. “We've been talking about this thing, micro cheating, for decades. There's nothing new about the idea.” [01:51]
- Rejects micro-cheating as a useful concept, arguing it reflects insecurity and that monogamous people should accept that attraction outside a relationship is natural: “A monogamous commitment means your partner doesn't sleep with other people. It doesn't mean they don't want to. They do and so do you.” [05:44]
- Memorable listener pushback and quotes including, “‘I've been married 18 years and can honestly say I've never wanted to have sex with other people…’” with Dan's dry retorts—"I was talking about noticing." [06:32]
Notable Quotes:
- “If you go looking for evidence your partner wants to sleep with other people, you will find it.” [06:11]
- “Maybe for the sake of your relationship, don't go looking for that evidence. And then maybe your beautiful monogamous relationship will survive.” [07:31]
- “Thank you, Black Philip, who tweeted in response to Dan Savage is a dumb bitch, but he's right. This one time, I will take it.” [08:57]
Key Discussion Points & Caller Questions
1. Sexual Compatibility and Penis Size
Caller: Concerned about small penis size in a new relationship
Timestamps: [10:05–12:32] (Question); [12:32–16:52] (Dan’s advice)
- Caller is in a new relationship with a man she describes as amazing, but feels unfulfilled due to his below-average penis size and wonders if she might get used to it.
- Dan cuts to the heart: “I don't think you're on a break from sex with this guy because you really want to fuck him… I think you're on a break… because you kind of don't want to fuck him because the sex doesn't work for you because the dick doesn't work for you.” [12:32]
- He emphasizes that sexual compatibility is non-negotiable in a monogamous relationship: “Sex with him is never going to be satisfying… And if you wind up in a committed relationship with this guy… eventually it's going to come to tears for both of you.” [14:03]
Takeaway: Be honest with yourself and your partner. If fundamental sexual needs aren't met—and the issue can’t be addressed with work-arounds—it is kinder to walk away sooner rather than later.
2. Building Up to Anal Sex
Caller: Straight couple wanting to progress to anal [16:52–17:35]
Dan’s response: [17:35–22:23]
- Caller asks how long it should take to build up comfortably to anal sex.
- Dan recommends patience and practice, referencing best practices dramatized in the film "Heated Rivalry" (to humorous effect), and emphasizes creating “positive associations” through solo play and gradual progression: “Practice with toys alone… have a few dozen orgasms that way to create a positive association…” [18:54]
- Anal play should be approached as "an end unto itself"—not just as a training ground for penetration.
- Only progress to anal when both partners are relaxed and genuinely desiring it: “And if you do that advance work and create those positive associations… you’ll get to a point where you’re just dying to fuck each other’s butts. But it takes time.” [21:38]
3. Identifying ‘Sympathetic’ vs. ‘Piece of Shit’ Cheaters
Caller: Wants to know how to tell if a married partner is cheating to stay sane/married or just a cheater [23:30]
- Dan's verdict: “You can't with any degree of absolute certainty… Someone who wants to cheat will tell the person that they hope to cheat with what they think that person wants to hear…” [23:39]
- If they’re telling a tale of woe, “there's a chance that's bullshit… If they're telling you ‘I'm just a cheating piece of shit,’ that's absolutely the truth.” [24:18]
- Notably, Dan coins “cheating piece of shit adjacent,” reminding listeners to be honest with themselves about their own roles in the dynamics.
4. Vulva & Labia Diversity, Genital Insecurity
Caller: Woman discussing shame about her labia’s appearance [27:43]
- Caller shares her journey from shame (due to partners’ comments and porn-based expectations) to acceptance and empowerment: “I want to give a shout out to women and other vulva havers out there who have outies like mine. Labia and clitz come in different lengths, textures, colors and can be asymmetrical. You are healthy and sexy and deserve to have yours attended to.” [29:40]
Dan’s response: [30:13]
- “Dicks come in all different shapes and sizes and so do pussies.”
- Criticizes labiaplasty for mostly aesthetic motivations, and calls for acceptance of genital diversity, pointing out that sex ed likely won’t save us from pornified ideals. “We're going to have to do the work because sex ed curricula is not going to ride to the rescue.” [31:53]
5. Navigating Boundaries in Non-monogamy & Sexting
Caller: Third party in couple, asks about sexting boundaries [33:39]
- Concerned about what’s appropriate when flirting/sexting with the man in a couple before he comes over.
Dan’s advice: [34:33]
- “Yeah, you could just fucking ask whether sexting is allowed.” [34:38]
- Emphasizes communication and consent: “Even if texts are welcome… too much of a good thing can be too much of that good thing. So show a little restraint.” [35:56]
6. Worries About Being ‘Friend-Zoned’ in Polyamory
Caller: Gay male, open marriage, interested in a poly relationship with a man who is hesitant [36:39–39:03]
- Caller wonders how to check in on progressing things beyond a friendship, worried about sliding into the “friend zone.”
Dan’s take: [39:03]
- “I'm sorry, when people say, ‘Oh, I'm not in a great place right now, but maybe later,’ they're just trying to be kind… It’s our responsibility… to just assume it’s a no.” [39:33]
- Suggests caller not invest too much emotional energy waiting, and to focus on other potential connections rather than pining.
7. Is it Possible to “Come Too Much”?
Caller: Bicurious man concerned about orgasming multiple times in a day [42:35]
Dan: [43:33]
- “There’s humble bragging and there’s cumble bragging... It's not like you’re going to have a fifth orgasm and one of your kidneys is going to fall out your dick.” [43:37]
- Reassures—if your body can, it’s fine.
Listener Feedback Highlights
- Discussion of women’s memoirs being richer due to greater emotional openness.
- Listener advice on a past caller’s wife who is suddenly not into kissing, raising questions about relationship health, stress, and even breath.
- Callers affirming diverse sexual experiences (multi-orgasmic women, polyamorous perspectives, fairy tale corrections).
Notable Quotes:
- “Beauty falls in love with the beast not because she changed him into being a nice guy, but because he is a nice guy… In fact, it could be argued that this is a story that demisexuality is only a beast in appearance, not in behavior…” [47:56]
Closing
Dan encourages continued listener participation—submit questions, feedback, and stories—as well as promotes the Hump! film festival and various Savage Lovecast platforms and resources.
Notable and Memorable Moments
- The “micro-cheating” rant sets a sharp and irreverent tone for the episode.
- Dan’s compassionate but blunt advice on sexual compatibility (“It’s gotta be dick, it's gotta be human, it’s gotta be bigger…”) [14:12]
- Sassy reluctance to have faith in American sex education: “They can barely bring themselves to talk about pleasure… Not going to celebrate diverse genitalia.”
- “You are not alone” reassurance and community-affirming messages about sexual diversity, polyamory, and body positivity.
Timestamps for Key Segments
- Micro-cheating rant: 00:08–09:32
- Penis size & compatibility call: 10:05–16:52
- Anal sex progression: 16:52–22:23
- Cheating discernment: 23:30–27:43
- Labia diversity discussion: 27:43–32:19
- Sexting with a partnered guy: 33:39–36:39
- Polyamorous ‘friend zone’ question: 36:39–42:35
- Cumble-bragging over too much sex: 42:35–43:33
Summary
Episode 1011 is a classic Savage Lovecast balancing humor, honesty, and support for sexual self-acceptance and open communication. Whether challenging the micro-cheating panic, fielding frank questions about bodies and compatibility, or urging listeners to celebrate what makes them different (in and out of bed), Dan Savage’s advice is unfiltered but rooted in empathy—reminding us all to pursue what we actually want, listen to our bodies, and (above all) talk about it.