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- [00:00]
Dan Savage
You're listening to the Savage Lovecast, Dan Savage's sex and relationship show for grown ups. If you're under 18, get out of here, youngin.
- [00:09]
Dan Savage (continued commentary)
If you're stuck in a relationship quandary, or if you're looking for sexual harmony, well, there's nothing you can't ask on the Savage Lovecast. I couldn't be more disappointed by the Daily Mail the British tabloid published a story last week, as you doubtless already know, about recently fired Department of Homeland Security head Kristi Noem's husband, Brian Noem. Brian, as we all learned last week, a week ago, is into bimbofication, which is not to be confused with sissyfication or with forced feminization. And yes, you will be asked to define and distinguish between all three terms on the final exam. And yes, there will be a final exam when I'm done hosting the Lovecast. And you will need to know the difference between bimbofication, sissyfication and forced feminization, along with the difference between bisexual, pansexual and omnisexual. Anyway, the Daily Mail obtained text messages, screenshots and video clips of Brian Noem indulging his thing for, and I quote, huge, huge, ridiculous boobs during paid online chats with sex workers and porn stars, which of course represented something of a security risk. The male published a photograph of Noem, Brian Noem, wearing a tight pink skirt with balloons tucked under his shirt to simulate those huge, huge, ridiculous boobs that he loves so much. And it went crazy viral last week. Last Tuesday afternoon, to be specific. I am very angry about this story. The Daily Mail ran the story just a few days after Kristi Noem and her boyfriend, Corey Lewandowski, were fired by Donald Trump. Lewandowski worked for and under Nome at dhs, still reeling from losing her job and her access to the $200 million Gulfstream jet she bought for herself with taxpayer money, a jet on which she is alleged to have committed adultery with her employee while her husband was at home asking bimbo ified sex workers to turn him into a bimbo too? Do I even need to mention that all of the people involved in this story are conservative, quote unquote, family value Republicans from red states? Even if you knew nothing of Noem's career, you could infer that from the outlines of this scandal. All right, getting to the point, which I always do, eventually. My beef with the Daily Mail isn't rooted in any sympathy for Kristi Noem, because fuck Kristi Noem. When Alexander Preddy was shot to death on the street in Minneapolis. Kristi Noem went on television and accused Preddy, a nurse at the VA who was helping a woman get up after she was attacked by Border Patrol agents. She went on TV and and called Preddy a domestic terrorist. Preddy's parents were watching when Noem defamed their dead son. Noem had the nerve to release a statement through a spokesperson after the scandal about her husband broke. Reading. Ms. Noem is devastated. The family was blindsided by this and they asked for privacy and prayers. At this time, the parents of Alexander Preddy were going through something far more devastating. They were blindsided by the loss of their son. And they didn't get prayers from Kristi. They got defamed. Their son got defamed. So again, fuck Kristi Noem. No, my beef with the Daily Mail, back to my beef isn't about the how could they do this to poor Kristi Noem just days after losing her job of it all. It's about the Tuesday afternoon of it all. Tuesday afternoon after my podcast for the week had already gone live. Which means I had to wait a whole week to weigh in on a sex scandal and there's not much left to say at this point. Here's a clip of Desi Lydic from the Daily show and Megyn Kelly from the Mouth of Hell talking about Brian Noem when the story broke.
- [04:05]
Caller or Guest Speaker (various callers)
Let's kick things off with Kristi Noem, former Secretary of Homeland Security and the inciting incident in All Dogs Go to Heaven. She's had a bad time recently. She lost her job. We found out about her affair and how it happened on a taxpayer funded plane. She really needs to just lay low and stay out of the headlines. Sorry, what's that?
- [04:28]
Dan Savage (continued commentary)
Former Homeland Security chief Kristi Noem is
- [04:31]
Dan Savage
said to be stunned by reports that
- [04:33]
Dan Savage (continued commentary)
her husband may be leading a cross dressing double life. According to the Daily Mail, Noem's 56 year old husband Brian is a secret cross dresser who wears gigantic fake boobs and wears pink hot pants while he chats online with fetish models who have gigantic breasts.
- [04:54]
Caller or Guest Speaker (various callers)
I can't believe the lady banging her employee on a plane is the less messy one in their marriage.
- [05:03]
Dan Savage (continued commentary)
Everyone was laughing. Everyone but me. I was drafting a sternly worded letter to the editors of the Daily Mail, pleading with them to hold stories about sex scandals involving right wing American politicians until Monday afternoons from here on out. But while everyone else was laughing, the New York Times was publishing a surprisingly sympathetic piece about Brian Noem. Brian McCreesh, the paper's white House correspondent went to Kristi and Brian Noem's tiny hometown in South Dakota. The piece was headlined Neighbors Feel Sorry for Kristi Noem's Husband. While some of the people McCreesh interviewed in Castlewood, South Dakota, dismissed the story as fake news, one said the photos had to be AI. Others said they ached for Brian. Such a nice man, one said. It just tears me up. As we've discussed previously on the podcast and others have pointed out, for an individual Republican to give a shit about something, anything, for one to care about an injustice or a social issue that might be addressed through public policy, it literally has to have happened to that individual Republican personally. We've seen this again and again for years and years. Nancy Reagan supported stem cell research because Ronald Reagan had Alzheimer's disease. Jeb Bush supported immigrants because JE Bush married a Mexican immigrant. Former Ohio Senator Rob Portman came out in support of gay marriage after his son came out as gay. Megyn Kelly thought something should be done about sexual harassment. Or she used to think something should be done about sexual harassment when she was sexually harassed. And on and on and on. Reading McCreesh's piece in the New York Times began to wonder, are Republicans changing? Are they slowly achieving the ability to empathize? Is object permanence next, or is everyone in Castlewood, South Dakota, into bimbofication and this has literally happened to each of them individually? Or is bimbofication one of those things? That's okay if you're a Republican? I suspect it's the latter. Because if we learned this week that Gavin Newsom was into bimbofication or that Jon Ossoff was into sissification, or that Hakeem Jeffries or James Tallarico was into forced feminization. Republicans would not be talking about the pressure all of these men were under or the price of power and fame or the right of even a public person to some degree of privacy, perhaps a zone of erotic autonomy, they would be telling us that those pictures of Gavin Newsom in that pink skirt were proof that all Democrats are perverts. All right, coming up on this week's show, a woman thinks she saw a former friend on a porn site and the video looks like it was shot without her ex friend's knowledge. Should the caller reach out to her old ex pal and tell her what she saw on the Internet? Another woman was invited to a coworker's bachelorette party only to learn she was expected to pay for all of the bride's expenses. Those questions and more coming up. And on the Magnum I speak with humor columnist, podcast host and hot trophy wife Eli McCann about his dust up with Mitt Romney and the difference between Real Housewives of Salt Lake City and the secret lives of Mormon Wives. Tons of great stuff on the micro My conversation with Eli McCann on the Magnum and Magnum Subs Please note Save the date Savage Love Live this Thursday noon Pacific Time 3:00pm Eastern 9:00pm Where I am right now in Europe. Just imagine you, me and a zoom room full of other Magnum subs during Savage Love Live. Magnum subs ask me questions live and get to chat with each other in the comment thread. It is really, really fun and I am looking forward to it. If you want to join the fun, become a Magnum sub now over at Savage Love. Subscribe and we will email you the link to the party on Thursday morning. All right Nancy, let's get to that first call. This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep, makers of the best mattresses on planet earth. Get 20% off site wide when you go to helixsleep.com savage this episode of
- [09:14]
Dan Savage
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- [09:31]
Dan Savage (continued commentary)
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- [09:48]
Caller (female, Pacific Northwest)
hi Dan, so there's a woman that I know. We used to be friends. We had a falling out years ago. We haven't talked in a long time. Well, recently I stumbled across a porn clip featuring her and in watching kind of occurred to me that she may not have even known that it was being filmed. Really low quality and like it just. I don't know. One of the things that struck me was that it didn't. It might have looked like a hitting here and so my question is should I reach out to her and make sure that she's aware of this porn that she knows is out there on the Internet? She works with children so this can be kind of bad professionally. But you know, like I said, we haven't talked in years and I think it'd be a little awkward to be like hey, what's up? How you doing? Did you know there's this online porn flip with you on it? Okay, bye. So I don't Know what do you think? Should I reach out or not?
- [10:51]
Dan Savage (continued commentary)
Let's game out the possibilities here. She knows it's out there and she likes it. She doesn't need to hear from you. And considering that your friendship ended and you guys haven't been in touch for years, probably doesn't want to hear from you. She knows it's out there and doesn't like it. Doesn't need to hear from you because there's probably nothing she can do about it if it's out there and she doesn't want it out there. It's really hard once something's on the Internet to get it off the Internet. So, yeah, hearing that old friends are stumbling across this thing that's out there and she doesn't want it out there and doesn't like that it's out there would just confirm her worst fears about the consequences and repercussions of this thing being out there. And again, doesn't need to hear from you necessarily, especially because it would cause her nothing but additional upset. She doesn't know it's out there, but wouldn't mind if it was out there, doesn't need to hear from you. She doesn't know it's out there and would be upset to find out it was out there. Doesn't necessarily need to hear from you. All that said, it is sad when an old friendship ends in conflict or drama and two people who were really important to each other exit each other's lives. If seeing this porn made you think of your friend and made you care about how your friend is doing, I would encourage you to reach out to your friend. Just not to say, I saw something online, I saw some porn that I think might be you, and hi, I miss you, how you doing? How about just go with, hi, I miss you, how are you doing? And then you hear back from her and you reconnect. You can be friends again. And who knows, maybe once you're chatting again and friends again, you may hear from her, hear about the ups and downs and maybe this is a down that you will hear about that somebody put this fucking shit online without her knowledge or awareness or consent and it's been really upsetting. Even then, even if she said that to you, I wouldn't say, oh yeah, I know, I saw. Don't say that. I don't think she needs to hear that people who've been the victims of revenge pornography tortured themselves with the thought that everyone in their lives is going to eventually find this or stumble over it or someone is going to maliciously send it to them and I think to us not confirm those worst fears or salt that wound or reopen that wound. If you do stumble over something, porn online that an old friend is in, you should just assume the best, cross your fingers, hope they know, hope it turns them on on and stay the fuck out of it. And that goes double if you're already the fuck out of their lives. So yeah, keep your mouth shut.
- [14:01]
Caller (male, various)
Hey Dan, 40 year old gay man living in the Midwest and I had a question about bathhouse etiquette. A friend brought this up to me and he said that he went to the bathhouse really looking to get fucked with a fuck buddy and he really wanted to get fucked in the sling in the dark room. They went on a weekday evening so it wasn't too busy, that there was a gentleman waiting, ass up, waiting for anonymous loads in the sling. And so my friend and his fuck buddy just walked around, were looking for a different place to fuck, but he apparently really wanted to get fucked in the sling. And so I asked him, why didn't you just ask the guy if you could use the sling since there was only one public sling at this particular bathhouse? And he said that he thought that would be rude. I guess I've never thought about this before in all of my years of going to bathhouses. Is it rude to ask someone essentially to tap out of a sling while they're waiting to get fucked? Is that yucking somebody's yum? Is it asking someone and being, you know, taking a little bit of charge to ask what you want and ask them if they can have a turn, say they can have it when you can, you know, when you're done getting railed. Or do you think maybe people who wait around for anonymous loads and you know, just don't have any luck at that particular time, are they being selfish with the sling? Just curious. Something I've never thought about before.
- [15:36]
Dan Savage (continued commentary)
First issue is going to a bathhouse that has just won public sling. There should be more than one sling available to the paying customers in a bathhouse. The whole situation reminds me of being at the gym and there's somebody squatting on a rack or a machine that other people want to use and they're looking at their phone and they're not really doing anything, they're not working out, they're not using the machine. You're allowed to walk up to that person and say, can I work in? That means you need to get your fucking ass off this machine, off this rack so I can use it and I think etiquette wise, it would have been fine if your friend and his fuck buddy went up to this person and said, hey, we want to use a sling real quick. Can we? There's always a chance the person will say no and claim some sort of squatter's rights or they're resting there, or that the universe owes them a dick, that they have to catch a dick first because they were there first before they'll let anybody else use the sling. So. Well, I do think your friend and his fuck buddy had every right to ask. Can't control how the other person might react and they might react to negatively. And then where will your friend and his fuck buddy be? They will be exactly where they were. They will be slingless, but they will be in a public space with somebody glaring at them and it will ruin the vibe. But if they tough it out, if that person stares daggers at your friend and his fuck buddy for having the temerity to ask them to get the fuck off the sling so they could use it for what the sling was designed for, which is for fucking not napping. Hopefully the vibe will be ruined not just for your friend and his fuck buddy temporarily, but for the guy in the sling and he will get his ass out of the sling and leave, freeing the sling up for your fuck buddy and your friend to use. And a note for everybody out there who goes to public sex spaces where there are fuck machines, fuck benches, slings, glory holes, fuck boxes, just like at the gym. Don't squat. Don't just sit there on a piece of machinery that somebody else might be waiting to use. Be courteous, be conscientious, and if you're on the sling and you're not getting fucked, and it doesn't look like you're gonna get fucked, get the fuck off the sling.
- [18:03]
Dan Savage
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- [19:20]
Caller (female, Pacific Northwest)
Hi Dan, I am a female calling from the Pacific Northwest. I recently had a little bit of a strange interaction with a friend. She is also, she was a longtime colleague turned friend and basically she invited me to her bachelorette party knowing that I had recently lost my job. She did invite me before I lost my job, but we knew it was pretty likely just given how widespread the layoffs were going to be at our company. And I was very upfront about the fact that I was being very financially conservative because I need to make sure I can pay my bills, my people that depend on me. And basically two weeks before the bachelorette trip, we get this itemized bill from the maid of honor indicating that we're all to contribute our share to cover the bride's bills. Like all of them. I just let the maid of honor know, like, hey, you know, I wasn't given a heads up about this. I can't do that. I lost my job. I need to be careful with money. She says, we'd still love to include as many people that are important to the bride as possible and sort of comes up with a plan. It's still more than I want to spend, but I say okay. And I don't agree to cover the bride's expenses. But it becomes clear once we're on this trip that actually there was some resentment brewing about the fact that I, I ended up leaving the trip early because it just, that's what worked for me. The bride seems to be pretty upset with me. I really don't feel at fault here. I was very communicative about my needs and boundaries. I'm really curious, like, to hear what your thoughts might be about this situation.
- [21:20]
Dan Savage (continued commentary)
My only thought is, you can't possibly think I would take the bride's side or the maid of honor side in a dispute like this. My only thought is, fuck these people and I'm glad you're out. I'm glad you're out of this magic bullshit friendship circle jerk before the destination rehearsal dinner and the destination wedding, before you're asked to contribute to the honeymoon fund. Fuck this kind of grasping, greedy, I'm the bride center of the universe bullshit. Fuck destination weddings. Fuck destination rehearsal dinners. Fuck destination bachelor and bachelorette parties. I mean, I've always kind of hated what bachelor and bachelorette parties mean, what they symbolize, the message they send about marriage. Oh, you're getting married. That's the end of fun. You have one last night with your friends to go out and live a little before the drudgery and no funness of marriage begins. I think that sends the wrong message to people about marriage. You're allowed to have friends after you're married. You're allowed to have fun. You should be allowed to have fun after you're married. We don't want to send. I think it disincentivizes marriage. I think it undermines marriage as an institution. If the message we're sending before people marry is that, yeah, this is the end. Marriage is the end of fun and your individuality. And you have no right to a zone of erotic or even social autonomy once you're married. Maybe my loathing and contempt for bachelor bachelorette parties are a little over the top. But you know what? My loathing for this kind of bullshit for me, for someone hitting up a recently unemployed colleague friend to kick in to cover their expenses for their destination bachelorette party that they wanted to throw for themselves, and then being miffed and pissy about the fact that you not didn't want to but literally couldn't subsidize her bullshit bachelorette. The fact that it's a destination bachelorette party also makes my head explode. You couldn't subsidize her bullshit bachelorette party, and I'm glad you're out. Hopefully you're scratched off the invitation list. You're not expected to bring a gift to the wedding shower, which maybe will be a destination wedding shower. You're not expected to bring a gift to the reception. Hopefully you're not invited. And you know what? If I were you and I were invited, I would not still invited. I would not fucking go. I would not fucking go. This woman that you became friends with after you met her through work, I don't think she saw you as a friend. She saw you as a resource that she could tap to subsidize her idea of what her precious fucking wedding should look like. Yeah. No, fuck that. Fuck her. Fuck the maid of honor. Fuck everybody else who's at that bachelorette party. And RSVP no not coming. If you still get an invitation, which I suspect you won't. Get. I suspect you won't get that invitation now and that'll be an insult. But if I were you, that would be an insult that I would welcome and celebrate. It would not be an insult. It would be a release. This episode is brought to you by Helix Sleep. True story. We sometimes have very special guest stars at our place. Both of our boyfriends were very special guest stars who became series regulars before becoming co stars. Anyway, a new very special guest star who is also a listener came down the other day. I was already in the kitchen and looked at me and said oh my God. Everything you say on your show about your mattresses is true. Yeah, it is true. Helix Sleep makes the best mattresses. We love our Helix mattresses. We have them in every bedroom of our house. We love our Helix mattresses almost as much or maybe even a little more than we love our guest stars. With Helix you take a sleep quiz that makes buying a mattress easy. It matches you with the perfect mattress based on your personal preferences and sleep needs. We have the Midnight Luxe model. I love it so much. As does my husband, as do our very special guest stars. Helix delivers your mattress right to your door with free shipping in the US and they offer seamless returns and exchanges. The Happy with Helix guarantee offers a risk free customer first experience designed to ensure you are completely satisfied with your new mattress and you will be just like our very special guest star was. They also offer a 120 night sleep trial and limited lifetime warranty. And get this just for you. Just for my listeners. Right now you get 20% off site wide. Now is the time to invest in your coziness and impress your next very special guest star. Go to helixsleep.com savage for 20% off site wide. Make sure you enter Savage Lovecast into the post purchase survey so they know that we sent you again. Helixsleep.com Savage 20% off right now site
- [26:44]
Caller (cis male, Southwest)
wide hey Dan, Nancy and the tech savvy at risk youth. I am a cis and I think hetero flexible guy in my late 30s living in the Southwest. I am in a monogamous marriage with my beautiful and very sexy CIS wife and I'm hoping you can help me open the door to communicating with her more about my sexual identity and exploring it together more in the bedroom. Oh and spoiler alert. Heated robbery enters this picture. My wife and I have always had hot sex and we still feel that new relationship energy even after a decade. She is closer to the vanilla end of the spectrum and is much more shy talking about our sex life While I am as kinky as it gets and love talking about all things sex and kink, however, she has become more and more GGG over the past few years and is more kinky than she gives herself credit for. Reading books like Come as yous Are and With Sprinkles On Top of has opened the door to talking more about what we each like and how we like it. In recent years, some overlapping fantasies have opened a door I didn't know existed. About a year ago I told her I wanted to wear women's panties, which I do now almost exclusively and she loves it. In fact, we sometimes wear each other's underwear when we're going to fuck later in the day. Then, after some artful communication about wanting her to peg me, you coached me well Dan. We now have a monthly pegging session that gets hotter every time. To top it all off, I have realized that I love looking at hot trans women fucking and being fucked and a primary fantasy of mine is imagining my lovely wife with a nice sized cock and using it on me in so many ways. I adore her body, but this adds a completely new level of hotness to when we're getting ready to peg. I have realized that these fantasies are about who I am, not just something I swipe through and I love it. Recently I told them that I would like to play with her dildo before she fucks me and she agreed to it without hesitation. Rubbing our cocks together and stroking each other was mind blowingly hot and afterward she said that she saw something like this on Heated Rivalry and she was glad it was checking one of my fantasy boxes. That kind of sharing, which she rarely does, sent me over the moon. That same session I pulled her strapped to the side and fucked her before she fucked me. When it's time to peg, I would love to suck her off or even replace our non representational dildo with a natural looking cock. I would love for her to feel comfortable telling me she's going to pull my panties down and fuck me. That closeness is really beyond words for me and I think for her too. So here is where I need help with the door ajar. How can I help open up communication with her about my hetero flexibility? How can I help my shy wife verbalize how what we're doing makes her feel? How can we pave the way to explore more of this in the bedroom? I know watching Shane and Ilya will continue to give her some pointers, but what can I do or say to help us move through this new door together?
- [29:38]
Dan Savage (continued commentary)
Is your wife shy? Your wife who straps on a non representative phallus and pegs your ass once a month? Your wife who you told you wanted to wear women's panties exclusively and now you do and she's into it. And sometimes you guys wear each other's panties on a big special day. I wouldn't describe your wife as shy and I don't necessarily think you need my help or Shane's help or Ilya's help to have the kind of ongoing conversation that you're already having with your wife about your kinks and your sexual interests and exploring and growing together. You guys are kind of a textbook example of how good it can be for one person in a couple to be more sexually adventurous and be able to share their sexual interests with their partner and their partner's sexual repertoire sort of expanding and growing in a responsive, reactive way. I think here of Amy Muse, the sex researcher's spin on ggg, which is sexual communal strength. You have share with your wife your non normative sexual interests and now you and your wife are exploring them. She is ggg, she's willing to go there for you and it's improved and enhanced your sex life. But you've had to lead and I think you can continue to lead while still allowing that your wife may be shy. Ish. I wouldn't describe her as shy. I wouldn't describe a woman who's pegging the shit out of her husband of 10 years once a month, pulling his panties down and pegging the shit out of him as shy. I wouldn't describe a woman who most recently enjoyed a kind of Ilya and Shane inspired mutual masturbation session with her husband where he was stroking his cock and she was stroking her non representative phallic strap on object, which, yeah, you should go ahead and replace right now with a more realistic lifelike looking dildo. And all you got to do, I think, is ask, say to your wife, like, I'm really ready to be pegged by something that looks more like a dick. I'm no longer hung up on. You have to peg me with a silicone dolphin or fire plug. And so I ordered, I took the initiative and I ordered us, I ordered you a more lifelike strap on deck. Whether you share with your wife that you have a sudden interest in trans women or you fantasized about her having an actual penis, whether that needs to be shared or disclosed, or whether that's strongly implied by you getting her a strap on that looks like an actual penis, you can leave that conversation for another day. You do not want to instill in your wife some sense that she's inadequate. And if you are committed to the monogamous relationship, maybe you don't want to put it in her head that you want to get with somebody who has a real penis. Although who knows what's possible for you in your future. Or your wife shy 10 years ago not pegging you 10 years ago pegging you now wearing panties, sharing panties with you now. Who knows, maybe in another few years you guys will be at the sex club as exhibitionists and voyeurs and then maybe in another year or two you and your wife will be soft swapping. Anything is possible. There may be a dick in your mouth in your future with your wife watching and appreciating and loving and digging and getting off on anything I think is possible. Considering how much you two have already grown together at your not insistence but with your encouragement and at your instigation, you are blessed. You have a very ggg wife who has been willing to go there with and for you and so long as you don't get out over your skis and or make her feel inadequate, I think you'll continue to grow. I actually don't think you even have a problem here. Maybe you were just calling in to brag to cumble brag about all the hot sex you're having in the context of your monogamous relationship with your hot GGG wife. And if you did call in just to brag, well, I'm fine with that. I do like to hear success stories every once in a while. And yours definitely qualifies as a roaring success, a pegging success, a panty clad success. Congratulations. Plastics don't just disappear, they break down into smaller and smaller pieces of plastic that stick around in our environment. And those tiny pieces of plastic, they wind up everywhere. Including as one famous study found, in your balls. I never thought my cleaning routine had anything to do with my plastic exposure or my balls until I started paying attention to the ingredients of the cleaning products I was using past 10 was using a lot of them contained plastics that I didn't want in my house, on my kitchen counter or dishes, or in my balls or the balls of anybody I care about. Which is why we are a Blueland household. Now Blueland is on a mission to make it easy for everyone to make more eco friendly choices, which means less plastic in your life. Clean products should be the norm. 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- [35:43]
Caller or Guest Speaker (various callers)
Dan, I'm a late 30s cis woman from the East Coast. I'm calling because a couple of months ago I started seeing this guy I like a lot. He's really smart, very kind, generous, sweet, fun. I'm really attracted to him. We have excellent communication, shared interests, and similar goals of wanting to marry and have a kid. And I think he treats me better than anyone I've ever dated before. I can see myself falling in love with him and doing big life things with him. It's a big deal for me because it's been seven years since I've fallen in love with anyone or have regularly woken up next to someone. I spent about the past decade since my last serious relationship healing from past trauma, checking off my sexual bucket list by having group sex and going to sexual clubs with sex partners and dating literally every type of person, and now I really feel called to settle down in a serious monogamous relationship. The issue, which you can probably expect is the sex. He's seven years younger than me and much less experienced than me. Additionally, he has a small penis, smaller than average, and there are times when I can't feel him inside of me, depending on the position. We've taken our time getting to know each other, so we've only had sex a few times, but each time hasn't necessarily been satisfying for either of us. I've gotten off a couple of times when he's fingered me and I've used a vibrator, but he hates that he can't make me come through PIV sex without me using a vibrator. He's never done clitoral stimulation before, which is concerning for me since that's the way that most women get off, and he's never used toys in bed before and he finds it incredibly intimidating that I do and sometimes he has a hard time keeping on. Hard on. Because he said that though he finds me gorgeous and he's so turned on by me, he finds me very sexually intimidating. He said he feels very overwhelmed and he doesn't even know where to start. He wonders if he'll ever be able to truly satisfy me. And I wonder the same. Sexual compatibility is very important for me with a long term partner. My questions are how long do I try before throwing in the towel? Part of me feels like this might be my last chance at starting a family with a man I could be in love with. And if it doesn't work out with him, I might just try to have a kid on my own, which I don't especially want to do. And do you have any other suggestions for how I can help him feel more confident in bed? And to ease him into using sex toys. He's aware that he has a small penis and I've suggested to him that we find different positions that will help him get deeper inside of me so that I can feel him more. I think suggesting a penis extender to him would damage him beyond repair. I should also mention that he's neurodivergent. We both are. So that is also a source of him being overwhelmed.
- [38:14]
Dan Savage (continued commentary)
Sex toys are kind of binary. Or using sex toys, or you're not using sex toys. So there's no easing him into using sex toys. There's just sitting him down and peeling the bark off him and saying, I don't know what kind of sexual encounters you had in the past. I don't know what kind of women you were with in the past. But only 20, 25% of women can climax during PIV sex without focus. Direct additional booster clitoral stimulation in the form of fingers or vibrators. So if everyone you've ever been with could come from piv, odds are that most of the women that you've been with were faking their orgasms. And that is not something I am prepared to do. So if we're going to have a sexual relationship, we're going to figure out what works for our bodies. Your body, my body, what my body needs to get off, what my clit needs to get off. How I can get you off what works for your dick? We're gonna figure this out. So we're gonna use everything at our disposal, which is not just our genitals, not just our fingers, not just our tongues and faces, but also sex toys. And you'll just have to get over it. Like if you wanna be with me, if you wanna have an amazing, fun, adventurous sex life and you want to be with me. Someone who finds you to be kind and sweet and generous and fun. Someone who wants the same things long term out of a relationship that you do. You're just going to have to get over it. You're going to have to get over your insecurities and love your body for the body that it is and for us together to figure out how we can best use our bodies, the bodies that we got, the junk that we've got to give each other pleasure and get each other off. Hopefully he'd be up for that. And yeah, he might have feels he might need to go away for a day or two and be sad about not being able to dick you down with nine inches that he doesn't have. But he's gonna have to grieve this eventually. And you seem like a pretty good incentive to go grieve it and get over it and get past it and get to work. And what do you have to lose? You may say all of this shit to him and he may never be able to look you in the eye again. He may have a meltdown. He may be then so intimidated by you sexually that he can't function. Do you really want to be long term with a man who can't function with you sexually because you've made him aware of what it is that you need from him or from a sex partner in a committed relationship to be satisfied? No, you don't want to be with that guy. So you risk losing him. You risk losing him if you say all this shit that I just urged you to say to him. If you say all of that to him as bluntly as I think you should say it to him, you risk losing him. But you will definitely lose him. You will get rid of him at some point if he can't satisfy you and you have to pretend that he's enough. And even if you had a nine inch dick, that probably wouldn't be enough. You're more adventurous than that. You want more out of sex than that. You want more variety than just dick. It's not all about dick. And then maybe he'll turn the corner where he'll realize that when he's using a vibrator on you or he's fucking you while you use a vibrator on yourself, that he is enough in combo with all that other shit. And even if you're with somebody with a much bigger penis and you're having PIV sex, you would probably need to stimulate your own clit probably need that vibrator too, just the same. And you should tell him that the only way this might work out is if you risk scaring him the fuck off. And if saying all that shit scares him the fuck off, well, good riddance. Then you can move on to finding another partner, another dude that maybe you could have kids with when you're no longer wasting your time on an insecure dude that you couldn't have kids with or didn't want to have kids with. Or you can move on to having that kid on your own. But before you can make that determination, that call, you need to know whether he's the right guy, if he's along for the ride. So sit him down, peel the bark off him, and you'll find out whether he's along for the ride and he is the right guy. All right, time for listener feedback. First up, a few comments Listeners left in the comment thread about last week's show says I am her. I am the woman. I am her. I am the woman who called about the emotionally unavailable husband. Thank you, thank you, thank you to all the commenters who weighed in. Most of you were right in the assumption that he was also extremely unhelpful around the house and emotionally unavailable to the truth children. Most of the commenters were right. I was wrong. I got that wrong. I assume the caller would have included those details in her question, which amounted to what do we need men for the details that her husband, in addition to being emotionally unavailable to her, was not a help around the house and not great with the kids. I was wrong. The commenters were right. It happens sometimes. There's more to I am her's comment in the thread. Please take a moment to go and read. It says by Dan Fan My heart goes out to the rejected unicorn who called into the show. The unicorn who called into the show was dating a couple. The wife, the unicorn's former best friend, broke up with her, and now the wife is pretty much pressuring her husband to dump the unicorn too. Back to By Dan Fan I had a very similar situation. Now I don't even speak to either of them. The unicorn always gets the short end of the stick. This won't end well for you, caller. I'm so sorry, says MP Dan. Lesbian separatist spaces still very much exist and don't feed them in the don't feed them, don't breed them slogan refers to domestic labor done for a husband, not slowly starving a male child to death. Hey, I said don't feed them could have dark implications if carried to its logical conclusion. Or if not its logical conclusion, certainly its logical extremities. Finally, says J. Borscherding Dan, you may benefit from checking out so called sissygasms where you will find video proof that hands free prostate only ejaculations are a real thing. It's much less a gay male thing than something from the world of long term cuck cage wearing sissies. Well, Delta 35 went and checked out sissygasms and reported back. I only watched two clips but both had some incidental shaft and or glans stimulation, which is my theory about how hands free orgasms almost always work. The person in one video pushed their legs together, self stimulating the shaft while fucking themselves with the dildo or panties around the base of the cock pushed the erect shaft flat against the stomach, stimulating the top part of the glans in the upper penile shaft. They also looked like young adults. When I was that age, a few seconds of touching my glands was enough to make me come. Once I unintentionally creamed in my own tight jeans just from walking. Delta35 thank you for the myth busting. All right, you got something you want to say about something I said on this week's show? You can always call in, but only a tiny percentage of response calls make it onto the show. If you really want to make sure you get heard, go to Savage Love and join the conversation in the comments. But now a select few Savage Love listeners who left voicemails on our answering machine about last week's show get to have the last word on this week's show.
- [45:53]
Caller (male, various)
Hi, calling about the most recent episode and woman who connected with her high school crops at a Shiva. While I agree with Dan that it bodes well for you that he got in touch with you right away about grabbing coffee, about grabbing dinner, I would not ask him. I would not bring it up. The first time you get together, see how it goes. Are you getting a sense that there's more than just politeness and there's more than just wanting to reconnect with an old high school friend? And if you haven't gotten a strong enough sense and if you do make plans to get together a second time, then you could go ahead and ask him if his marriage is open or not for the first time, let him take the lead, sit back, catch up and see what kind of lies you catch from him.
- [46:48]
Caller or Guest Speaker (various callers)
Hey Dan, this is a response to the woman who called in and the Triad broke up. First of all, she was in a relationship with this woman prior so there are muddied waters insofar as their connections to one another. The best friend or former best friend said to her, our relationship is not going to basically be intimate again, even emotionally intimate on the level of a best friend. As long as you're dating my husband, best friend is done with you dating her husband. But the other element is like this woman had her heart broken by this other woman. Now twice, my heart is breaking for this woman who potentially her relationship with the best friend predates the marriage, potentially predates even her knowing her husband. So I totally agree with what you said in the sense that yes, when there's marriage, there's hierarchy and like I get it and I've been there, but I just really want to honor this woman's broken heart. I just wanted to give this woman a hug.
- [47:57]
Caller (male, various)
Hey dan, I'm a 55 year old male in a great marriage and then I just wanted to say thank you to you for your show. My wife started listening to it a few years back and invited me to start listening to it and it's just opened our hearts, our minds, our holes. What was a very, very vanilla sex life just got sparked up and we have a ton of fun in bed and I just wanted to say thank you. The other night my wife was on top of me, I had a vibrator in my ass and I was sucking on a dildo and finished inside my wife and I just said I gotta thank Dan Savage
- [48:40]
Dan Savage (continued commentary)
and we are going to leave it there. Got a sex problem? Got a relationship question? Got a comment for us? Go to Savage Love askdan to record and upload your question directly onto our website. Or you can record a voicemail and email us your question or your comment at Qavage Love. Or you can call us at 206-302-2064 and leave us a message on our answering machine like it is 1978. And hey, if you tried something new and you want to share all the dirty details with me and my listeners, drop us an email at Qavage Love. Tell us what you did and you might be my next guest on After Action report. The Hump 2026 Spring Tour, our brand new corn film festival. Our 21st season of bringing you the best and most creative, short and smutty films screens this weekend. This week in New York City, San Diego, Missoula, Minneapolis and Boston. The Boston Hump screenings are sold out. So hey, don't sleep on ordering tickets. They're screening near you before the screening near you sells out too. You can watch the Hump 2026 Spring Tour trailer and order your tickets right now@humpdomfest.com follow me on blueskyansavage follow me on Instagram ansavage follow Eli McCann on Instagram @eliw McCann can get his podcast Stranger Bill wherever you get your podcasts and check out his website it justgets stranger.com the Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and Nancy and the tech savvy at risk youth. We will all be back at you next week on installment of the Savage Lovecast.
- [50:11]
Caller (female, Pacific Northwest)
Thank you for telling Sam.