Savage Lovecast Episode 1014

Summary

Savage Lovecast Episode 1014 (April 14, 2026)
Host: Dan Savage

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Dan Savage dives into sex scandals in politics, exposes hypocrisy, and delivers his signature advice on listener questions spanning everything from cologne etiquette and DS relationship dynamics to post-baby libido and trauma recovery. With trademark wit, political commentary, and GGG (good, giving, and game) wisdom, Dan offers guidance on maintaining sexual authenticity, honest communication, and establishing healthy boundaries.

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Main Themes & Key Discussion Points

1. Sex Scandal Commentary & Political Hypocrisy

[00:08 – 07:48]

• Dan opens with a discussion of recent sex scandals involving both Republican and Democratic figures, namely Kristi Noem and Eric Swalwell.
• He underscores the difference in consequences for sex scandals between parties, highlighting GOP hypocrisy, the importance of accountability, and the existence of actual victims in some scandals, which he finds far less “entertaining.”
• Quote:
  "If norms aren’t norms on both sides, then norms are for suckers. But on this, on sexual harassment, sexual assault, I’m good with Dems holding ourselves...to higher standards." (07:05)
• Dan admits his bias: enjoying scandals for hypocrisy exposure, not when there are true victims.
• Memorable moment: Dan paraphrases Chicago musical: "They had it coming."

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2. Listener Advice & Sex/Relationship Questions

a. Lesbian Enamored by a Straight Dad’s Cologne

Caller at [08:08], Dan responds at [09:44]

• Caller: A lesbian wants to find out which cologne a dad at her kid’s preschool wears to gift it to her wife, but feels awkward asking and worries it’ll seem like a come-on.
• Dan’s Advice:
  • Don’t ask the dad directly; approach his wife at a school event and say you’d never ask him because it would be weird, but are just curious because the scent is amazing.
  • The wife is a safe conduit, minimizing misinterpretation.
  • Quote:
    "Find the wife. Ask the wife." (11:09)

b. Gay Man Reuniting with Ex at a Wedding—Is He Overreacting to His Ex’s Honesty?

Caller at [11:14], Dan responds at [13:06]

• Caller: Reconnected and hooked up with his ex (Tom), only to learn Tom had hooked up with another guest the same day, and hadn’t told him.
• Dan’s Advice:
  • Tom told the other guy about the caller, but didn’t tell the caller about the other guy—Dan interprets this as Tom caring about the caller’s feelings.
  • Suggests the caller talk openly with Tom about expectations and trust.
  • Quote:
    "He didn’t tell you about the other guy because he cares what you think...Now you know. So your next phone call...should be calling Tom." (14:20)

c. Managing Conflicting Orders from Two Dommes

Caller at [16:34], Dan responds at [18:15]

• Caller: Non-monogamous, serves as a sub to two women, occasionally receives contradictory domme orders (e.g., orgasm denial vs. forced orgasm).
• Dan’s Advice:
  • Gamify the conflict—make being "forced" to disobey one master part of the agreed-upon play (e.g., pre-arranged punishments).
  • Open communication and negotiated dynamic is crucial.
  • Quote:
    “Obviously for the game, you should. So you should have a conversation with both where you talk about this position...and you agree to some punishment...” (18:42)

d. Is It Normal to Find Others Hot in Passing?

Caller at [23:10], Dan responds at [23:12]

• Asks if it’s normal to find oneself mentally remarking on people’s attractiveness throughout daily life.
• Dan’s Advice:
  • Absolutely normal—it's human nature.
  • Just keep responses internal in inappropriate contexts (e.g., workplace).
  • Memorable Anecdote: Dan’s years-long crush on a waiter he never let show, leading the waiter to think Dan disliked him.

e. Developing Sexuality after Childhood Abuse

Caller at [27:43], Dan responds at [30:13]

• Caller: Survivor of severe abuse, struggles to identify or access sexuality as an adult.
• Dan’s Support:
  • Acknowledges situation may be beyond his paygrade but encourages patience, therapy, and possibly exploring psychedelics-assisted therapy (MDMA, ketamine) under professional guidance.
  • Suggests exploring erotica/pornography and allowing for the possibility of being asexual.
  • Quote:
    “Whatever happens, whatever you find out...you should be very proud of yourself for what you’ve already done and what you’ve already accomplished.” (35:51)

f. Postpartum Loss of Libido—Will It Return?

Caller at [36:06], Dan responds at [36:44]

• Caller: Used to have high libido, one year after baby, feels like it’s “gone.” Wonders about medical solutions.
• Dan’s Advice:
  • Extend grace and patience—libido often rebounds, especially after the physically and emotionally demanding period following childbirth.
  • Warns against self-fulfilling prophecy.
  • Clarifies that Viagra is not for libido, but for physical arousal.
  • Quote:
    "Don’t tell yourself it’s not coming back. Tell yourself your libido hasn’t kicked back in yet. It will." (36:45)

g. Maintaining Intimate, ‘Platonic’ Male Friendships When Dating

Caller at [39:53], Dan responds at [42:39]

• Caller: Has close (sometimes formerly sexual) male friendships; worries future partners may not approve of cuddling/sleepovers with them.
• Dan’s Advice:
  • Clarifies “platonic” is not a spectrum—if you’re having sex, it’s not platonic.
  • Validates seeking partners who’re cool with those dynamics, but notes many people may not be.
  • Quote:
    “Platonic isn’t a spectrum, it’s binary.” (42:40)

h. Blowjob ‘Rules’ & Significant Other’s Authenticity

Caller asks for clarification around Dan’s infamous “do what you want once they’re coming” rule.

• Dan’s Response:
  • Acknowledges the emotional/visual aftermath matters.
  • Emphasizes honesty—wants his partner’s reaction to be authentic, not performative, for mutual satisfaction.
  • Quote:
    "But I want them to have, as I’ve had an authentic experience getting the blowjob, I want them to have the authentic experience and an honest experience of giving me that blowjob." (46:16)

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3. Listener Feedback & Callbacks

[47:57 – 52:50]

• Listeners reply to past advice—e.g., on using wearable vibrators to enhance sex with a less-endowed/inexperienced partner, and the importance of warning someone if their sex tape was leaked without consent.
• Callback: Irish listener humorously notes, “If you’re giving a fuck, first get up earlier,” after running late to a marriage appointment due to heeding Dan’s ‘have sex before big events’ advice.
• Dan admits he was wrong in prior advice about informing someone if they appear in non-consensual porn (contradicting his past suggestion).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On political sex scandals:
  "Kristi Noem is and has always been an odious piece of shit...” (03:21)
• On partner honesty:
  “He didn’t tell you about the other guy because he cared what you thought.” (14:15)
• On DS dynamics:
  “You have negotiated DS dynamics with both of these partners and you should just gamify the position...” (18:23)
• On sexuality post-trauma:
  “You don't want the people who abused you…to rob you of the joy and the connection and the intimacy of sex as an adult.” (35:19)
• On libido after childbirth:
  “Your libido will return when you least expect it. It is going to sneak up on you and it is going to tackle you.” (38:57)
• On boyfriend and besties:
  “If you’re fucking someone, even just a little…that is not a platonic relationship.” (42:41)
• On authenticity during sex:
  “I want them to have…the authentic experience and honest experience giving me that blowjob.” (46:16)

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Key Timestamps

• Sex scandal intro / political analysis: 00:08 – 07:48
• Lesbian asks about dad’s scent: 08:08 – 11:14
• Gay reunion/heartbreak at wedding: 11:14 – 13:06
• Conflicting domme orders: 16:34 – 18:15
• ‘Is it normal to find strangers hot?’: 23:10 – 23:12
• Healing sexual self after abuse: 27:43 – 36:04
• Post-baby lost libido: 36:04 – 39:53
• Male friends & future boyfriends: 39:53 – 42:39
• Blowjob etiquette & feelings: 46:00 – 47:57
• Listener feedback / closing calls: 47:57 – 52:50

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Conclusion

Dan Savage’s episode 1014 covers current events, exposes unhealthy double standards, and deftly guides listeners through nuanced, sticky, and sometimes painful relationship and sexual territory. Listeners are reminded of the importance of honest communication, self-acceptance, and seeking partners who align with one’s needs—even if it means waiting for someone comfortable with a “friends with benefits” past, or being honest about libido and trauma recovery. Authenticity, compassion, and patience—bedrocks of good love and sex advice—shine throughout the show.

Transcript

[Dan Savage]

You're listening to the Savage Lovecast, Dan Savage's sex and relationship show for grown ups. If you're under 18, get out of here, youngin.

If you're stuck in a relationship quandary, or if you're looking for sexual harmony, well, there's nothing you can't ask on the Savage Love cast. I asked the sex scandal gods at the top of the show last week not to break news on Tuesday afternoons after my show for the week is already out and they delivered. But I'm not celebrating. It's the curse of the answered prayer around here today. Backing up. You may recall that they, the sex scandal gods, broke the news about former DHS head Christy Noem's husband Brian Gnome's bimbofication fetish on a Tuesday afternoon two weeks ago, hours after my show for the week had gone out. And by the time I got to have my say a week later, there wasn't much left to be said. I mean, I could say more right now because more has come out. While I thought Brian Noem might be pud polly under duress or a cuck or both before the scandal broke. I mean, there had to be a reason he stayed while his wife so publicly strayed with Trump political fixer and world class asshole Corey Lewandowski. And I thought Brian might be staying for the humiliation, not despite it. But we all know now that Brian definitely has a humiliation kink. He paid sex workers tens of thousands of dollars to humiliate him. But I don't think Kristi Noem has a humiliation kink. So I can't imagine she's going to stay now that we've all read transcripts of the conversations Brian was having with sex workers while Kristi was on television trash talking American citizens who'd been murdered by her goons at dhs, men who still have jobs and guns, men whose names we still don't know. While she was doing that, Brian was trash talking his wife to his prodom. I'll cop to a bias here. I'll admit a bias here. This is my kind of sex scandal. It exposes GOP hypocrisy and there are no victim victims, no one who didn't deserve it. Kristi Noem is and has always been an odious piece of shit who has attacked trans and queer and other gender non conforming people throughout her political career. And Brian, her husband, turns out to be some flavor of queer himself. He was married to her and benefited materially from his wife's political rise and never once came to his own defense or the defense of other queer people. So yeah, fuck her and fuck him. In the immortal words of the six married murderesses of Cook County Jail, they hide it from they had it come. They had it coming. They had it come. They had it all along. I do feel bad for the gnome kids a little, but they're adults, so they're not getting bullied in middle school because their mom is an actual monster and their dad is an aspiring bimbo. We all find out things about our parents in adulthood that we'd rather not know. It's just that the gnome kids had to find out about it in the Daily Mail. All right, that's enough about the gnomes. Back to the sex scandal gods. They heard my prayers last week and broke the news of a sex scandal before my show went out this week, obligating me to talk about it. But they cursed me with the kind of sex scandal I hate. I don't love a sex scandal that destroys a Democrat. Copying to my partisan bias here. But more importantly, I don't love a sex scandal with actual victim victims. To be clear, if a Democrat is doing something illegal or unethical, sexually victimizing people, committing crimes, I want that man, and it's almost always a man destroyed, politically speaking. I want that scandal to break. So I'm shedding no tears for Eric Swalwell, Democratic member of Congress from California and until this weekend, the front runner in the race to succeed Gavin Newsom as governor of California. Swalwell was accused over the weekend by multiple women, all with corroborating evidence, all verified by major media outlets like the New York Times and cnn. He was accused of sexual misconduct and abuse, ranging from sexual harassment to sending unsolicited dick pics to rape. He's out of the governor's race, and by the time you hear this, he may be out of Congress because for a Democrat, sexually harassing staffers, sending unsolicited dick pics to women who haven't asked to see your dick, and sexually assaulting multiple you get drummed out of politics, you lose your job. Do that shit. As a Republican, you get to be Secretary of Defense or President of the United States. I'm generally against the idea that Democrats are sent to Washington to set a good example for Republicans. We have to bring a switchblade to the knife fight. If they're going to gerrymander, to take one example, then we have to gerrymander harder and better until they agree to stop, until they agree to to establish nonpartisan commissions in all 50 states that draw voting districts for state and national elections. When they go low on something like redistricting, gerrymandering, we have to go lower and harder. If norms aren't norms on both sides, then norms are for suckers. But on this, on sexual harassment, sexual assault, I'm good with Dems holding ourselves and our elected officials to higher standards, to having normal norms. Eric Swalwell doesn't get a pass because Pete Hegseth is Secretary of Defense or Donald Trump is the fucking President. We've seen how low they can go when it comes to treating women like shit. And on this, yeah, we expect better. And we will go high. And when necessary, we will demand resignations. All right, coming up on this week's show, a lesbian loves the smell of a random straight man at her kid's preschool. Can she ask this random straight guy what he's wearing, what that mysterious scent is without things getting weird? And what's an obedient sub to do when her two dommes, a sub who is a servant of two masters? When her two dommes give her conflicting orders, what is she supposed to do? And on the Magnum, everyone's favorite pastor turned porn star, Doc Chocolate returns to the show to talk with me about BBC. Should a caller slap BBC out of the mouths of her friends? And then Doc Chocolate sticks around to school us all about STI testing protocols for professional porn performers in Las Vegas? Doc Chocolate is a fucking delight and you'll get to hear him, hear my conversation with him, hear all of his great advice. If you subscribe to the Magnum version of the show right now at Savage Love. Also be sure to listen to After Action Report, my much shorter podcast, my little amuse bouche of a podcast where I interview people who've tried something new. You don't have to be a Magnum sub to hear After Action Report. After Action Report is for everybody. And this week's After Action Report. Oh my God, it is one wild fucking ride that you are not going to want to miss. All right, onto the first question. This episode is brought to you by Field, an app where curious people come to connect. Download Field on the App Store or Google Play and find out why so many of my listeners are already using it. This episode is brought to you by forea, makers of life changing, all natural, organic formulas for your most intimate needs. Right now, get 20% off your first order by going to foreiawellness.com savage or by using Code Savage at checkout. This episode is brought to you by VB Health Doctor formulated supplements that work to learn more about load, boost, drive boost and soaking wet. And to get 10% off, visit VB Health and use the Code Savage.

[Lesbian Caller from the Midwest]

Hi Dan and everybody. Lesbian from the Midwest with a. Well, just a weird question. So I have a wife and two small children. Love them all very much. My small child goes to preschool so I drop him off. And a couple of times now as I'm leaving, I pass by one of the dads and I don't know what it is that he is wearing, what scent he is wearing. But it smells so good. Like it's a very fuckable scent. I don't know how else to describe it. And I'm not interested in him. Like he's a perfectly good looking man or whatever, but I'm not interested in him. But whatever he is wearing, I keep thinking like, man, your wife must be happy with that. How on earth do I find whatever it is and give it to my wife? Because I would really like to do that, but there is absolutely no earthly way for me to approach this guy and say, hey, what are you. What, what are you, what are you wearing? It smells so good. That feels incredib, painfully awkward. I don't know this person even remotely. We nod at each other as we pass one another. I like, I got, I got nothing without it sounding like that. That necessarily sounds like a huge come on, right? Like you can't just go up to somebody and say, what are you, what are you wearing? It smells so good. Without saying, you know, sub captain subtext saying, I want to get in your pants. I don't, I don't want to creep them out and I don't want to send that message. So how do I find this out?

[Dan Savage]

You could ask him, what is that scent you're wearing? But of course he's going to interpret that as you're attracted to him or the scent is working. I think your move here is to find the wife. He's got a wife. I assume that he's married, that he had that kid with somebody, the kid he's dropping off at school. When you pass him in the hallway, there's going to be some school event, there's going to be some PTA meeting, there's going to be some basketball game, there's going to be some bake sale where his wife is in attendance. And I think you could just peel her off for a second and say, hey, this is weird. I just want to know your husband wears some cologne. Smells so good. I'm asking you because I would never ask him because that would be weird. I Wouldn't want him to take that the wrong way. I have no interest in fucking a dude. I don't want to bug your husband, but I do want to know what that cologne is. It smells so good. And of course she's going to run and tell her husband that you asked, but it'll be because she may not even know what cologne he's wearing necessarily. It'll be a funny story that the wife will relay to the husband and then the next time you pass him in the hallway, probably likely to give you a little raised eyebrow, but he's not going to try to give you the business. And you will know from the wife that via the wife, the appropriate conduit what cologne her husband is wearing. Find the wife. Ask the wife.

[Gay Male Caller from Australia]

Hi dan, I'm a mid-30s gay man in Australia. I recently went back to Melbourne for my best friend's wedding and reconnected with my ex, Tom before the wedding. We dated three years when I lived there and I have to admit I never fully got over him. We caught up, hooked up, and had one of the most intense reunions that made it very easy to imagine trying again. We talked openly about why our relationship failed before, what might be different now, and even floated hypotheticals about a future together, like talking about a trip and possibly for him moving to Sydney. Then I learned from close friends at the wedding that Tom had also gone on a date and hooked up that same day after Tom and I met with another wedding guest who had flown in from overseas. Tom knew this person was connected to the same wedding and had discussed me with him, but never mentioned any of that to me while we were together and talking about our possible future. Tom and I were both single, so technically he did not cheat. But I feel blindsided because this was not just casual sex for me. I was emotionally invested and now I cannot tell whether I'm reacting to a real red flag or just getting hurt because I let myself hope my friends think I should cut him out of my life. I'm tempted to, but part of me wonders whether I'm expecting too much from someone who was at least technically single and free to do whatever he wanted. I know he did not cheat. Am I overreacting to normal guy behavior? Or did my ex reveal himself to be too slippery to trust as a serious prospect?

[Dan Savage]

There is a weird compliment buried under all of this drama. Tom told the other guy about you because he didn't care what the other guy thought. It couldn't screw his thing up with the other guy if the other guy Knew about you because that guy was just a one off, just in town for the wedding. He's never going to see him again. And so it doesn't matter what he thinks. But he didn't tell you about the other guy because he doesn't see you as a one off because he cares what you think. Telling you about the other guy could have screwed things up with you for Tom. And so Tom, who's single and allowed to fuck more than one guest at the wedding as a single guy. Yeah, yeah. He didn't tell you for the exact reason that your call and your question and the opinions of all of your friends prove it bears it out why he didn't tell you about it because it could have screwed things up if you knew and you found out. Now you know. And it is kind of proving that Tom was right to try to hide this thing that he did was. Which was not a thing he was not allowed to do from you for fear of it screwing up your relationship if you two were going to attempt to revive it. So I think you like Tom. You had great sex with Tom. Tom had sex with somebody else. Obviously. I don't think maybe Tom is cut out for a monogamous relationship. If what you're hoping for is a monogamous relationship with Tom, that might be an unrealistic expectation. But I don't think you should. If you really feel strongly for Tom for this reason, cut him loose. Because again, again, look at it this way. Told the other guy about you because he didn't care what the other guy thought. Didn't tell you about the other guy because he cared what you thought. And you know now you know. You can't pretend you don't know. So your next phone call after calling me should be calling Tom and asking Tom about this other guy and what it meant and whether everything that you said to each other, everything he said to you when you hooked up again after how many years apart, whether any of that was true or if he was just saying what he needed to say to get into your pants. Maybe that's what he was doing. Maybe he just wanted to get into your pants and said what he needed to say about the possibility of dating again. But I think there's a really good chance that he does want to date you again. This episode is brought to you by Load Boost by VB Health. This doctor formulated supplement offers increased semen volume, enhanced orgasm intensity and even better taste so your partner will thank you. The ingredients are 100% scientific and designed to improve sperm health, prostate function and overall experience. It's vegan, loaded with nutrients and manufactured in the USA with top tier quality ingredients. If you want to increase your semen volume, try it out. VB Health also just released Energy Boost, a pre workout supplement built around well studied effective ingredients for blood flow, energy and focus. VB Health. Check them out. They have so much to offer. Head to loadboost.com and use my exclusive code SAVAGE to get 10% off or click the link in the episode description. It's time to elevate your performance and with LoadBoost you might just become someone's new favorite performer and new favorite flavor. That's loadboost.com and use my exclusive Code

Savage Hey Dan, Nancy and the tech savvy at risk youth. Here's a problem that I feel very lucky to have. I'm wondering if you have any advice for navigating overlapping DS dynamics in different relationships at the same time. So I have a girlfriend. We don't live in the same place but you know, she's my very serious ongoing partner and we're very switchy with each other and I have a new partner that I am subbing for and in that relationship we like to do a lot of advanced sort of instructions or me not being allowed to come for several days and it's so fun and hot. But so far I have just sort of because my girlfriend and I don't live in the same place, I've managed to schedule that in zones where I'm not going to be around my girlfriend and I'm sure the answer is partially talk to all my partners and see what they're comfortable with. But just because it's like, well if somebody's telling me I'm not allowed to come but I'm spending time with my long term partner, I guess I just want best practices and advice on how to navigate that in a way that sounds good for everyone. I've want to thank you for helping me have this problem because seven years ago I was in a marriage where I knew I was queer and kinky and poly and those things were not as much a part of my relationship as I wanted them to be. And listening to the Lovecast every day just mainlining it during pandemic is one of the things that gave me the courage to leave that relationship. And now I have two hotels women vying to control me. What more could anyone want?

Matthew 6:24 no one can serve two masters Bible quotes Bible Quotes on the Savage Love cast who ever thought the day would come? Listen, you can Serve two masters. You do in a way, serve two masters. You have two dominant partners in your life. Two hot dom women that you like to serve who both know the other exists, who both know that you may be put in a position once in a while where you have contravening orders, where one has ordered you not to come until you see them again, maybe and the other that you happen to be with at that moment is ordering you to come or putting you in a position tied down with a vibrator strapped to your clit where you can't avoid coming. So what then? Obviously this is a game, this is play. You have negotiated DS dynamics with both of these partners and you should just gamify the position you sometimes find yourself in where one may force you to disobey the other. Who should get punished when you are forced to disobey one of your masters? Well, obviously for the game you should. So you should have a conversation with both where you talk about this position you sometimes find yourself in and you agree to some punishment. If girlfriend A has told you you're not allowed to come for a week and girlfriend B makes you come three times that week before you see girlfriend A again, you must confess all and throw yourself at the feet of girlfriend A and beg for her mercy, which will not be forthcoming because there's some pre agreed to punishment that you will have to endure for disobeying. And that should be fun for girlfriend A. You want. She may want. She probably would enjoy having a slightly bratty slave that she needs to control and correct every once in a while. And yeah, what will that be? What would that punishment be? Some kind of spanking, A caning something? It should be, I think, something that isn't necessarily purely a pleasure. A punishment that you can endure and you'll be proud of yourself for getting through. But that is actually a punishment because in this kind of Cops and Robbers for grownups with your pants off, you want there to be stakes and you want those stakes to feel real. And they're as real as you are invested in them. So this isn't a conflict that you need to resolve between your partners and you. This is. This is part of the game, this is part of the fun and you should enjoy it. This episode is brought to you by forea, makers of Awaken Arousal Oil, Intimacy Melts and Sex Oil. Imagine the best orgasm or sex you've ever had. Now imagine that that orgasm could be even better. And it could be with products that are designed to naturally enhance sexual pleasure and make your orgasms bigger. And better products like Awaken Arousal Oil, a juicy warm up that helps you get really turned on, increasing your pleasure, deepening your orgasms and increasing your connection with your part. It's made with CBD and Warming sensation inducing organic botanicals that enhance arousal sensitivity, access to orgasm and just, you know, overall pleasure. Best of all, Awaken and its application the two of those things together, that combo platter just turns you on. In a consumer perception study conducted by Citrus Labs, 92% of respondents felt more aroused and 92% felt reach Torgasm. I recommend the Pleasure Set which has all three of Phoria's best selling intimacy products. Awaken Arousal Oil, Sex Oil and Intimacy Melts. Awaken stimulates her arousal and increases sensation. Intimacy Melts helps her experience deep internal waves of pleasure. Sex Oil lubricates during sex and creates a juicy experience for all. This magic combination creates the ultimate sexual experience and will take your connection with your partner to the next level. Experience your juiciest and deepest sensual experiences with Forea Forea is offering a special deal for my listeners. Get 20% off your first order by visiting foriawellness.com savage or by using the code Savage at checkout. That's F O r I a wellness.com savage for 20% off your first order, I recommend trying Awaken or their Pleasure set with all three of their bestsellers. Let them know the lovecast sent you. Boreawellness.com savage for 20% off your first order hi Dan, Often when I meet someone new, one of the thoughts that goes through my mind is, oh, she's hot.

[Gay Male Caller from Australia]

And I'm wondering, is that something a

[Dan Savage]

lot of people experience? In your case, it might be, ooh, he's hot. Or is that something we're all just not talking about? Or is that something that we're all doing and not everyone? I don't know. Is that a question? It's perfectly normal to see someone hot and for a little voice in your head to go, fuck, she's hot. I can't go to the gym without thinking, fuck, he's hot. 10 or 11 times in the hour and a half I spend at the gym. It's perfectly it means you're alive. It means. It means you're doing what mammals do, what we evolved to do, which is scan the savanna for potential mates. It's only an issue. It's only a problem. If you can't think, oh, she's hot without your eyes bugging out of your head and your tongue rolling out of your mouth in such a way as it makes her feel uncomfortable. You need to be able to think, oh my God, she's so fucking hot without it playing on your face. In environments where it's not supposed to play on your face. Like at the gym. I see guys who are hot at the gym all the time. And I keep it blank. I look blank. I've actually heard from people that I thought were really hot sometimes. Years later, oh my God. There was this waiter at this restaurant I was a regular at. I would go all the time and I thought he was so hot. And years later I met him again and he was like, I had such a crush on you, but I thought you hated me because you just stared at me blankly. It was like, oh, my God. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable at work, so I didn't let it play on my face. And that's the cultural compact. That's the cultural norm that we all need to meet. Yeah, we move through the world, we see hot people we might want to fuck all the time. And there are places where you can let that play on your face. You can let it play on your face at the at clubs and in bars and online on Chatterbait. You can let it play on your face at sex parties. You can let it play on your face at drunken afters or house parties where people are flirting or making out or dancing. Then you can let it play on your face. But at work, school, home, the gym, on the bus meetings, business interviews, I'm trying to think of other examples. You don't let it play on your face, but it is perfectly normal. Everyone is walking around all day long. Everyone who's post puberty from 13 to 100 is moving through the world going, fuck. Look at that. Not just you. This episode is brought to you by Field, the dating app you keep hearing my callers talk about on this show. If you're wondering why, it's because Field serves the curious, the open minded, and people who know that the concept of normal is overrated. Swipe culture, Not a thing. On Field, you can browse profiles without having to say yes or no right away. And take your time making intentional decisions about who you engage with. Put your interests and desires right on your profile. Desires like being a brat, exploring DS or bdsm, and even friendship. Field supports honesty in its very architecture. Your bio can be as long as you like, but if you have something you only want to say to people you're vibing with that you've connected with, you can write a hidden bio, which you choose when to share with potential future lovers and friends. And active consent is embedded into the very design of field. For example, DM'd photos with nudity are automatically blurred to give the recipient the opportunity to decide for themselves if they want to see them. And Field has a new feature called Reflections. It's designed to reveal you to yourself what you desire, the relationship style that works best for you. Your boundaries. By answering these deeper questions about yourself, you can reflect before you connect. What are my actual boundaries? What do I deeply desire? What type of relationship do I really want? If you have the language to say what you want, if you can use your words, you will be so much closer to getting what you want. You know, it sounds a lot like the advice I give people on this show. Know thyself. Little introspection. Use your words. Try Reflections right now by visiting Field, co Reflections, or by downloading Field on the App Store or Google Play Field. It's where it's at and it's where my people are at. And if you're one of my people, you're going to want to get on field.

[Caller with Trauma and New Mother]

Hi Dan, I have a question about how does one develop one's own sexuality and in adulthood? Meaning in my case I did not develop it. And as probably most people usually do it when you are in your early teens or sooner. The reason for that is that I was raised in this very traditional Eastern European Catholic environment by my grandma who used religion as as a stick for punishment of anyone who came close to her. I never had a good relationship with my parents. If anything, I did most. Most of the time I didn't see them until I was like 7 or 8 years old. And when I saw them they were just enhancing the abuse. There was physical, mental, emotional, a lot of emotional abuse and also sexual abuse, which was, I'm not talking rape, but anything else. So groping, talking inappropriately to me as a child and my younger sister when we were children and teens, by pretty much any man in the village or any man in the extended family while my family was present and watching and listening to what was being said and done to us. My first two relationship and only two relationship in my 20s kind of followed the same scenario. But 10 years ago I moved across the globe and just being away from my family and the culture helped me a lot. And 10 years ago I started therapy. It was a lot to dig through. But now I'm in a position when I started discussing sexuality with my therapist. And I just want to mention that sexuality I refer to the one that probably I Wouldn't know. Everyone feels as a sexual being in their own body, which is something I don't have and something that I'm calling about. Look, how does one develop this when there is, like no obvious plugin where this would develop from? And if there is anything that you can think of and share with me on top of what I already do with my therapist, I would be really appreciating your feedback.

[Dan Savage]

Sometimes I feel like a call is above my pay grade, but I'm going to take a run at an answer for you and see if I can't help considering what you suffered growing up. Physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, groping, inappropriate comments directed at you and your sister by men in the village in the presence of family members who didn't defend you, who didn't shut that shit down, who didn't protect you. It's understandable that you might have stuffed your sexuality down so deep you're having a really hard time, even a decade later, accessing it or feeling, identifying what in you erotically is authentically yours and not impacted by or a product of the abuse that you suffered. I could see in your position as a child, you being very suspicious of sexuality and desire and doing all that you could to extinguish it in yourself, to protect yourself, to separate yourself from the people who were abusing you. On the other hand, aromantic and asexual people exist and so do coincidences. And it's possible that you are authentically and truly asexual and you also suffered all of this physical, mental, emotional and sexual abuse. And an effort to try to dig your authentic sexuality out from under your history maybe prove frustrating and futile in the end, because there may be nothing there under all of that if you are indeed asexual or aromantic or both, which is a possibility, I do think, as a sexual person. And 99% of people are allosexual, 99 of people are sexual, not asexual. Odds are better that you are sexual and that you have an authentic sexuality buried under all of this abuse. And you've only just started to discuss sexuality with your therapist. You're only really at the beginning of this attempt to dig your sexuality, whatever it might be, out from under your history. And I think it's worth the effort. I've done some reading about MDMA therapy, ketamine therapy, maybe some with a therapist. Not go get some ketamine, go get some MDA at a nightclub, but with a therapist. Maybe psychedelics could unlock something for you. With a therapist there to guide you through that process. People with ptsd, and considering your childhood, I think you're probably someone who may suffer from ptsd, even cptsd, complex post Traumatic stress disorder. And these therapies, psychedelic therapies, have proven to be totally proven, studies have shown, points to them being highly effective. And maybe they would benefit you as well. And maybe it would help you tap into your sexuality, your discovery, what your true erotic inner life might be. In addition to therapy and thinking about ketamine therapy or MDMA therapy, you should start reading erotica, watching pornography, seeing if anything clicks for you. But I think you're gonna need to be patient and extend yourself a lot of grace and allow for the possibility that there's nothing there, that you could peel away all of these layers and find nothing. Not because you're damaged, but because you're one of the 1% who is asexual. And coincidentally enough, there was never anything there. There's just this history of physical, mental, emotional abuse that you suffered. I think you allow for that and you explore because you want to make sure if that's the case, that's the case. Because you don't want to be cheated out of. If you are a sexual person, if you're allosexual, if you're among the 99%, you don't want the people who abused you in the ways in which you were abused to rob you of the joy and the connection and the intimacy of sex as an adult. And my heart's with you, and I wish you the best and full credit for the big swing, for the big move you already made. Getting the fuck away, moving to the other side of the world, removing yourself from this very traditional Eastern European Catholic environment and starting a new life in another place where you feel safe and safer than you did. You are taking care of yourself. You did take care of yourself as an adult in a way that you had every right to expect the adults in your life to take care of you. When you were a child, you were failed by every adult in your life as a child. You have succeeded as an adult in taking care of yourself. And I think you should. Whatever happens, whatever you find out about yourself at the end of this process, the end of this journey, you should be very proud of yourself for what you've already done and what you've already accomplished.

[Caller with Trauma and New Mother]

Dan.

[Dan Savage]

I'm a year out from having my

[Caller with Trauma and New Mother]

first baby, and my libido used to

[Dan Savage]

be really, really high. And now I just never want to have sex again, Just like I have no libido Nothing.

[Caller with Trauma and New Mother]

I've been with my partner like six years. It's a really exciting sex life.

[Dan Savage]

Go to sex clubs, like all of that. And yeah, it's just gone. It's absolutely gone.

[Caller with Trauma and New Mother]

And I even tried to watch porn, but I'm just not interested yet.

[Dan Savage]

So it's been a year and it's not coming back. So I'm a bit like really sad

[Caller with Trauma and New Mother]

about it and what do I do? Can that be changed? Can you take a pill, like for women?

[Dan Savage]

Don't tell yourself it's not coming back. Tell yourself your libido hasn't kicked back in yet. It will. A year. You had a baby a year ago. What you put your body through. Having a baby was incredibly intense and infancy. Raising an infant, the intimacy of it, the constant touch of it, the your body being constantly grabbed and poked and prodded and sucked on by an infant that can in a weird way meet all of your needs for a kind of physical intimacy, for skin to skin contact, but also exhaust you when it comes to intimacy, skin to skin contact and making yourself physically and tactilely available to another human being. So just extend yourself a little more grace, give yourself a little more time, and beware the self fulfilling prophecy. Don't tell yourself my libido is gone and it's not coming back or never coming back. Tell yourself my libido hasn't come back, but it will come back. There are so many stories out there of young parents who had a really long dry spell. Sometimes a year, sometimes two years, sometimes until the kid was a little bit more independent, less physically needy. And then mom and dad started fucking again, or then mom started getting really super fucking horny again. And you can be, I predict you will be. If you're a listener of this show, you will be one of those moms. But for you, obviously it's going to take a little more time. So give yourself more time, give yourself grace as to whether there's a Viagra for women, there isn't. And people make this mistake all the time of kind of misunderstanding or miscategorizing Viagra and what it is that it does. Men don't take Viagra to get horny. Men who are horny take Viagra to get hard. Viagra does not induce, doesn't like kickstart someone's libido. The libido is there. The heart is willing, but the flesh is weak. And Viagra strengthens the flesh, hardens the flesh. There is white wine, there are pot gummies, there is space and time. And you should give yourself all of those things. A little bit of white wine if you're a drinker, pot gummies if you like pot. And more time, you will get there. I promise you. Your libido will return when you least expect it. It is going to sneak up on you and it is going to tackle you. My advice for your partner, when that moment comes, when you are horny again, you should let your partner listen to this part. When your partner is horny again, be grateful for the return of the libido. Don't be resentful that it took so long. Don't look at your partner and think, I had to wait forever for this. Look at your partner and think, oh my God, here we go, let's go, let's do this thing. We are back in business.

[Caller with Close Male Friends]

Hi Dan, I've got a question regarding getting a boyfriend and also having close male friends. So for some context, two of my best friends are guys. One I've been best friends for like five years, the other one with for three years. And for both of these relationships they started out romantic and like in a dating way. And I was definitely interested in dating both of them at the beginning. But for both of them we settled into just being friends mainly because they didn't want to date me. Honestly since then though, I've still have somewhat of a physical relationship with one of them or like occasionally more will and with other one basically don't have a like a sexual relationship. But like we definitely snuggle with both of these guys. I just have like a very, very close, physical, mainly platonic relationship with them. And my question is, do you think it's ridiculous to want to keep and maintain my relationship with these guys even if I do get a boyfriend? I get this is hypothetical, but I've been thinking about it because recently one of these guys had a girl that he was seeing endings with him mainly or in large part due to her jealousy towards me and my relationship with him. And I feel like these relationships are very non threatening because like if we were gonna date we would have dated already. And like instead we are just like love each other and just have like really close friendships. And like for me I see guys being friends with their exes and guys being close with female friends as green flags because like in terms of being friends with exes it means like y' all had good communication, you were caring and loving through it all. That's hot to me. That's what I like to see. I love to see good communication and problem solving skills and like, like that and then in terms of like close female friendships, like, yeah, amazing. You're not just interested in women for like sex. You see women as like a whole being and want to get to know them as like a human and like connect with them as a human. So like, that's all green flies to me. But. But I can also see how someone might not want me to be like sharing a bed with someone who I previously fucked slash was in love with. But I also can't imagine if someone came in and was like, you have to change your relationship with this person who's incredibly important to you. That would really rub me the wrong way because I'm like, dude, this guy's been here for way longer than you have and I want to date you. I'm not dating these other guys. I don't want to date these other guys. I want to date you. It feels very non threatening to me, but I also get how it could be threatening to someone. So anyways, I've just been thinking about this lately and wondering if you think it's ridiculous to be able to maintain this kind of friendship with guys where we're platonic and still get a cuddle and be intimate, but all because I wouldn't, I wouldn't them or like kiss them if I was dating someone else. I want to be mainly monogamous, but yeah, wondering. Do you think that's too much to ask? I think it's having my cake and eating it too. But why? Why the fuck would I not want to have my cake and eat it too?

[Dan Savage]

Continuing the theme of words meaning things and me being team, words mean things. Platonic isn't a spectrum, it's binary. A relationship is or is not platonic. If you're fucking someone, even just a little, even every once in a while, that is not a platonic relationship. Friends with benefits. Hopefully people in your generation understand what an FWB relationship is about. And that if you're dating somebody and they had a friends with benefits situationship with somebody else and they're willing to end that because you want monogamy and they want monogamy, hopefully you wouldn't be threatened by that. But I would be weirded out if somebody came to me and like, well, I've been fucking this person for years and years and years, but it's a platonic relationship. They would think, what do you mean by that? How do you define platonic? You define platonic differently than I would define platonic and it makes me question your judgment and sense. All that said, that's a little dark. I don't mean that. I'm not trying to bag on you. Look, you see friends with exes as a green flag. So do I. We are not alone. There are women out there who feel the same way you do about guys who are friends with their exes. Not all women who are okay with guys being friends. Friends with their exes are okay with guys occasionally their exes, because that can feel like unfinished business. Sustained attraction that can make them wonder what your motives might be in continuing to somebody that didn't want to date you. You could have ulterior motives that they can't, despite your assurances, know with any certainty, aren't actually in play, that you don't actually want to get back together, that you aren't hanging around hoping to pick up the pieces after their relationship ends, that you're not going to subtly sabotage it in ways that would then result in them getting their heart stomped on. But there are women out there who wouldn't be threatened by their boyfriend being friends with an ex they continue to have an FWB thing with for a while until they came along. Your friend's most recent ex was not one of those women. So they were wrong for each other. So it's good that relationship ended. And in a sense, your friend chose you or the universe chose you because you're still in his life and that woman is out of his life. So take the win, take the W, and you have options. There are guys who will not be threatened by you being friends with their exes. There are definitely guys out there who will regard a guy being friends with his exes as a green flag. Most of those guys are probably going to be gay guys, but some of them are straight. You can hold out for one. Dan, I'm calling to ask for perhaps some clarification on your stance that a person who is a partner of someone who has a penis can do whatever they want as the penis haver is ejaculating. I've heard you say many times that the job of that person or the. The job of a GGG person in that role is to get the penis haver to the point of orgasmic inevitability, and then they can do whatever they want with the cum. And yes, I know what you mean in terms of the. The sensation of the orgasm in that moment. But such a huge part of sexual connection is the. The experience and the memory of the experience and the visuals of the experience and someone just sort of absentmindedly shooting it over their shoulder or kind of having a sour look on their face or whatever makes a huge difference. Do you really think that doesn't matter? Of course it matters. And I was being a little facetious. A little facetious, not entirely facetious. Some people really want to get their dick sucked. Some people enjoy sucking dick, but really don't like the taste of semen or having come in their mouth or being expected to swallow cum. How do I, as a sex advice professional, make sure that these two people in this cum in the mouth, discordant relationship are happy and can meet each other's needs by telling the person getting the blow job that you should be grateful that you're getting a blow job. A blowjob is a wonderful thing to get. And once your partner gets you to the point, not just of orgasmic inevitability, because if you bring somebody, a penis having person, a man, to the point of orgasmic inevitability and then you withdraw all stimulation, they may ejaculate, but they're not going to feel that orgasm in the same way that they will if you continue to provide them with stimulation. That's why bringing someone to the point of orgasmic inevitability and then withdrawing your hand if you're jerking them off or pulling out, or pulling them out if you were letting them fuck you or no longer sucking their dick if you're giving them a blowjob, those are called ruined orgasms. It's a kink for some people to have a ruined orgasm inflicted on them almost a punishment. Like they're so horny, they're so head up and they have this orgasm where they ejaculate, but they don't experience that kind of waves of orgasmic pleasurable feeling that an actual non ruined orgasm comes with. So I don't think you bring someone to the point where orgasmic inevitability and your job is done. You got to follow through. But once that person has come in your mouth, and when I joked about, you know, you could give someone a blowjob, pull out and let them come over your shoulder, the theory was your hand would still be working the dick, your wet and sloppy hand, which is always a part of a good blowjob, a wet and sloppy hand. So you hadn't totally abandoned their dick or their blowjob, but you could let them come over your shoulder if you don't like to have cum in your mouth. But if it's really important to somebody that their partner not just give them the blowjob and let them come in their mouth, but look at them like their cum is the most delicious fucking shit they've ever had in their mouth and they're only too happy to swallow it. I guess you could ask your partner who doesn't like cum or eating cum or swallowing cum to pretend, but I'd have her rather personally have my partner be real with me. And if swallowing my load is something they're doing for my pleasure or to submit to me as nonsense, something that they love, I want them to be have a look on their face like they're actually kind of hating it, but doing it for me. And if it's something they love and they have that look on their face, then great. But I want them to have, as I've had an authentic experience getting the blowjob, I want them to have the authentic experience and an honest experience of giving me that blowjob. So, yeah, your work's not done when you bring someone to the point for orgasmic inevitability, unless you're trying to give them a ruined orgasm. But what the person who's giving the blowjob does, or how they feel about it, they're allowed to feel their own feelings about giving you that blowjob. And you got the blowjob. Take the win. All right, time for listener feedback. First up, a few comments listeners left in the comment thread about last week's show, says M S For the caller whose inexperienced boyfriend is also small. Have you tried clitoral and G spot toys that can be worn during piv like a WE vibe chorus? You could teach them how to get you off whilst he's fucking you, and it might slightly outflank the size issue. They're great even if you're above average, says Jen. I feel like Dan's answer to the first question, the one where the woman saw her former friend in a porno, was totally wrong. As someone who was surreptitiously recorded having sex, if someone ever found those videos online, I sure as hell would want to know so that I could do whatever possible to get them taken down and make sure the person who posted them without my consent was charged. Jen and others made that point, and I agree. I retract my advice and I urge the caller, if you're listening, and I hope you still are, to take Jen's advice, says Half Moons. Thank you, Dan, for saying that if you're gonna open up, you have to discuss what you'll do if one of you doesn't like it. My partner and I had many such talks, and I was assured every step of the way that if I wanted to shut it down again, I could, could. I had a very negative reaction to opening up and after a few months asked to close again. Because we'd been communicating about it this whole time, we were able to close our relationship up again pretty easily. This doesn't mean the whole process was seamless, but those conversations in advance, they helped. All right, if you've got something to say about something I said on this week's show and you want to make sure you're heard and your comment is seen, go to Savage Love and jump into the comment thread. We do play a few comment calls every week at the end of the episode, but we can't play em all. But all the comments in the comment thread, they get read, they get seen and they get read by me too. And a few of them get read here on the show. All right, Savage Love listeners who left voicemails on our answering machine about last week's show. A select few of them get to have the last word on this week's show.

[Gay Male Caller from Australia]

This is for the caller who is asking about sling etiquette at the bathhouse. The person he was calling about actually has a name and that person is called a sling lizard because they won't give up the sling when other people want to use it and they are hogging it. And yes, it's okay to ask them if you can use it if they have been in there for a long time. They may tell you no, but it is okay to ask. Hi Dan, long time listener here from Ireland. Not really a question but a little comment about your fuck first policies. Myself and my husband, we're heading off to the registry office to give our intention to marry so we can get married during the summer. And we did the whole fuck first thing and lo and behold, if we're not late now and racing down the motorway hoping to make the appointment. Well, we thank you for your advice and we did enjoy your advice. We're left with slight regret now, but hopefully we make it on time without killing ourselves on the motorway.

[Dan Savage]

Go to first get up earlier.

[Gay Male Caller from Australia]

Yeah, so yeah, that's what we say. If you're giving a fuck, first get up earlier. Keep doing your good work Dan. Thanks a million

[Dan Savage]

and we are going to leave it there. Got a sex problem? Got a relationship question? Got a comment for us? Go to savage.loveaskdan to record and upload your comment or question directly onto our website. Or you can record a voice memo and email it to us at Qavage Love or you can call us us at 206-302064 and leave us a message on our answering machine. And hey, if you tried something new and you want to share all the dirty details with me and my listeners, send an email to Qavage Love. Let us know about the new crazy thing you tried and you might be my next guest on After Action Report. The Hump Spring Tour this is our 21st year of bringing you the best and most creative creative, short and smutty films around screens this weekend in Boston where the shows are sold out, so you might want to head to Provincetown where tickets are still available, and Ann Arbor if you can jump on a plane. You can also watch the Hump 2026 show online now. It is [e-mail] now. Also you can watch the trailer for the show right [e-mail] and order tickets to a screening to see Hump in a theater with a crowd of strangers as Hump was meant to be seen all [e-mail] follow me @blueskyansavage. Follow me on Instagram @dansavage. Follow Doc Chocolate on Twitter @doc chocolatebbc and be sure to check out his amazing and hot podcast Bulls and Queens, where he's having a lot more fun with his guests than I am having with mine. The Savage Lovecast is produced every week by Nancy Hartunian and me and Nancy and the tech savvy at the Risk. I'll be back at you next week. My installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thank you for telling me.