Transcript
Dan Savage (0:00)
You're listening to the Savage Lovecast, Dan
Intro Announcer (0:02)
Savage's sex and relationship show for grown ups. If you're under 18.
Dan Savage (0:06)
Get out of here, youngin. If you're stuck in a relationship quandary, or if you're looking for sexual harmony, well, there's nothing you can't ask on the Savage podcast. I do not feel so good. I'm guessing it's probably. I'm guessing it's definitely all the sperm I inhaled over the weekend. Got a lot in my eyes, too, which are very red right now. Hey, don't judge me. I wasn't on my knees in a sex club in Berlin all weekend. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I was outside walking around in the sunshine and inhaling so much spunk. And if that makes me a slut, well, if you left the house this weekend, then you are a slut too. Because. Because I'm talking about tree cum here. I'm talking pollen, not man cum. And if you left the house this weekend, you were inhaling it, too. Talking about pollen again, people. Tree sperm. Decades ago, city planners decided to plant only male trees. City planters didn't like the mess that flowers and fruits dropping from female trees tended to leave everywhere. And that choice? Only male trees that dump loads of pollen into the air. No female trees with beautiful flowers and delicious fruits. That choice is the reason hay fever is so much worse now than it used to be. Male trees everywhere and climate change. Now, before anyone jumps into the comments to correct me. I know, I know, I know pollen isn't sperm, but it almost is. If that tiny speck of pollen that floats through the air lands on the flower of a female tree, it turns into sperm in a complex process that I will not summarize here, but you are free to Google. So it wasn't cum that made my eyes and your eyes burn this weekend. It was pre cum, pre tree cum. Anyway, let's pivot away from sperm. Let's talk about the Pope, who kind of talked about sperm this weekend. Kind of, in a roundabout way, acknowledged sperm's existence and the Church's past obsession with it. I have a lot in common with this Pope. We're both from Chicago. We're both men of a certain age. We are both products of Catholic parents in Catholic schools, both cradle Catholics. Both went to the seminary. He stayed. I took off. He's a Sox fan. I'm a sex fan and a Cubs fan. There we differ. But like all cradle Catholics, there is nothing that annoys us, me and the Pope more than being lectured about Catholicism by someone who converted to Catholicism 10 minutes ago. Recent Catholic convert, and weirdly, the very first person evacuated from the ballroom at the Hilton this weekend in D.C. jD fucking Vance has been lecturing Pope Leo the fucking 14th about Catholic just war theory, which was developed in the 4th century by St. Augustine. Seeing as the Pope wrote his doctoral theses on St. Augustine in this century and led the Augustinian order for 12 years before becoming Pope, I think he can spot an unjust war when he sees one. The Pope didn't mention sperm by name this weekend, but sperm was very much on his nose. Sperm was very much in the air when the Pope said, and I'm paraphrasing here, that the Catholic Church is done trying to slap the dicks out of all of our mouths. According to the Pope himself, the Church has more important things to worry about than where you're going to blow your load this weekend. All right, all right, all right, all right. Out of respect for a fellow Chicago Catholic, a Sox fan, but still, I am going to read what the Pope actually said on the record to reporters on his plane while he was flying to Africa for a papal visit. We tend to think that when the Church is talking about morality that the only issue of morality is sexual. And in reality, the Pope continued, I believe there are much greater, more important issues such as justice, equality, freedom of men and women, freedom of religion. That would all take priority before that particular issue. Now, where did we all get the impression that sexual morality as defined by the Church, was the only moral issue the Church gave a shit about or was talking about when the Church would bring up issues of morality? Maybe it was the decades, maybe it was the centuries the Church spent trying to slap the dicks out of all of our mouths and snatch the birth control pills out of all of our purses, which the Church did because the Church has a really strong opinion about semen. Like the song goes.
