Con-Fessions: Pata-gotcha!

Summary

Scam Goddess – “Con-Fessions: Pata-gotcha!” (May 13, 2021)

Podcast: Scam Goddess
Host: Laci Mosley
Guest Host: Priscilla Davies

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Episode Overview

This bonus “Con-Fessions” episode is full of comedic banter and scam wisdom, as host Laci Mosley and guest host Priscilla Davies dig into a listener’s Patagonia outlet scam “confession.” As always, they riff on scams in everyday life, swap stories about weird phone calls, failed dating adventures, and outlandishly bad customer service—showing how scammers and scam-adjacent behaviors can touch even the most mundane corners of modern life. The energy is high, the jokes are relentless, and the audience gets both laughs and life lessons in scam awareness.

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Main Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Scammy Phone Calls & Blocking Apps

• 00:00 – 04:20
  • Laci shares the headache of getting persistent scam phone calls with oddly specific caller IDs (“Alex Jones”), noting scammers are leveling up by spoofing familiar names and area codes.
  • Priscilla mentions her solution: the “Hiya” call-screening app. They riff on the need for an app that can screen for “opportunities” or “money calls” vs. spam.
  • Laci jokes that even loan servicers like Sallie Mae try new tricks: “That raggedy bitch, Sallie Mae. ...I know what kind of car she drive, okay? She ain’t gonna catch me slipping.” (03:47)

2. Dating During the 'Pandemonium' and Street-Level Scams

• 05:12 – 11:34
  • Laci shares a recent dating story—navigating parking in Los Angeles, invoking “Priscilla’s parking juju,” and narrowly dodging a small street-level scam when a woman tries to bluff her into paying for an alleged near-accident.
  • The importance of setting time limits for dates and the perils of LA dating get comedic treatment.
  • On the parking dispute scam, Laci quips: “I would call her a queen, but she was really a devil. And she had on a wig that looked highly flammable...” (08:01)
  • After the scam encounter, Laci heads into a date with a man who immediately “negs” her and flexes about gym ownership—foreshadowing skepticism and humor about who’s really running the scams.

3. Listener 'Con-fession': The Patagonia Outlet Scam

• 12:05 – 25:36
  • Priscilla reads a long listener letter from “Esquire,” whose husband found a suspicious Patagonia “outlet” via a Facebook ad.
  • Red flags included:
    • The site only accepted PayPal.
    • The link was “close to” but not actually Patagonia’s URL.
    • The confirmation email was vague—no itemization.
    • The charge showed up under “a long Chinese name located in China.”
  • Esquire’s attempts at recourse fail—PayPal is no help, the credit card company lectures her instead, and the site vanishes after a couple of days.
    • “Even the package that came had no return address and no packing slip or anything. … It looked homemade—a thick plastic bag with a lot of duct tape on it.” (16:46)
    • The “Patagonia” items are off-brand and poor quality: “Patagachas, y’all. … Y’all better rock them ‘patagachas.’” (17:22)
  • The comedy escalates as Laci and Priscilla diagnose the red flags and mock the “company” for ghosting:
    • “I love the company being like, look, we would. She ain’t say nothing to us after we disappeared the website.” (18:11)
    • On credit card company’s response: “She said, ‘Yeah, and I’m expressly going to tell you where the fuck you lost it.’” (19:20)

4. The Husband's Own “Redemption Scam”

• 20:22 – 21:41
  • Esquire’s husband (dubbed “a scammer” by the hosts) later tries to exploit his employer’s merch store for “discounted” Patagonia gift cards, but the loophole is quickly closed before he can profit.
  • Laci jokes: “He’s a scammer, and he scammed you, too. ...You married a scammer, Esquire!” (20:31)
  • They riff on workplace swag being a “scam” and how capitalist companies sell their own branded (and expensive) gear to employees.

5. Scam Wisdom & Final Musings

• 23:53 – 28:18
  • Esquire’s hard-learned lessons:
    • Don’t trust online ads for “too good to be true” discounts.
    • Selling workplace merch is a low-key scam.
    • Accept when a fancy jacket just isn’t in-budget—“Fellow whites, let Patagonia go!” (24:09)
  • The hosts discuss the price spectrum of cold-weather brands (Patagonia vs. The North Face vs. Moncler), reflect on moving to cold climates, and how bougie brands draw people into scammy situations.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On scam calls with spoofed names:
  “I don’t know what Jotavious Biden did, but as soon as he started lying to the girls and saying he was gonna raise the student loan debt, I get calls every morning from different numbers… now they’re starting to call with names attached. Like I’m supposed to know who that is.”
  — Laci Mosley (01:07)
• On Sallie Mae’s persistence:
  "That raggedy bitch, Sallie Mae. Are you kidding? I know the girl, okay? I know where she stay. I know what kind of car she drive, okay? She ain’t gonna catch me slipping."
  — Laci Mosley (03:47)
• On the “Patagonia” package:
  "It looked homemade. A thick plastic bag with a lot of duct tape on it."
  — Priscilla Davies, reading Esquire’s letter (16:46)
• Scam wisdom:
  "If something just seems too good to be true, it usually is. I’ma pray for y’all."
  — Laci Mosley (26:06)
• On workplace merch:
  "Why am I buying your merch? Why am I walking around advertising this is my place of employment? If you don’t give me this Patagonia sweater for free before I burn this motherfucker down…”
  — Laci Mosley (23:36)
• On accepting limits:
  “Fellow whites, let Patagonia go... Those from the Caucus Mountains. Hear me? Let Patagonia go.”
  — Laci Mosley (24:09)

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Key Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | |-----------|---------| | 00:00–04:20 | Scam calls; call-blocking app “Hiya”; riffing on money-filtering apps | | 05:12–11:34 | Parking “accident” scam and LA dating story | | 12:05–25:36 | Listener confession (“Esquire”): The Patagonia outlet scam saga | | 16:46 | Esquire receives her “homemade” package | | 20:22–21:41 | Husband’s attempt to scam bank merchandising system | | 23:53–28:18 | Reflections on “scam culture,” expensive outerwear, closing advice |

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Tone & Style

True to Scam Goddess tradition, Laci and Priscilla bring sharp, improvisational humor peppered with real-world scam warnings and pointed social commentary. Their repartee is playful, sarcastic, and sometimes self-deprecating, creating a welcoming atmosphere for “con-fessions” while reminding listeners to stay sharp in a world full of schemes.

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Final Takeaway

The episode is a hilarious, cautionary adventure into the world of retail scams and human gullibility. Listeners come away entertained and a little wiser: if a deal looks too good to be true—be it from Facebook ads, your date bragging about gym ownership, or your own husband’s bank gift cards—it probably is. And as always: stay schemin’...but maybe a little less.

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Transcript

[A]

Cons. Well, hello, congregation.

[B]

I hate you.

[A]

Welcome to another bonus episode of Confessions. I'm your host, Priscilla Davies, and I am here with our other host, Lacey Moseley.

[B]

Yes. Come on, Priscilla. This different voice you put on, that was. What was that you gave me? Like, bill collector's caught you off guard voice. Like, you know, like, you know, when they start calling, have. Have people started calling you and their name shows up on your phone even though they're not a saved contact?

[A]

Oh, my. Wait, wait, you mean like people you know, or just random people?

[B]

No, like, not a saved contact. But it'll call and it'll be like, Alex Jones. And I'm like, bitch, who the fuck is Alex Jones? And I look at my contacts. I don't got no Alex Jones. I pick up, they be like, hey, are you trying to refinance your student loan, sis? I'm like, who are you, Alex?

[A]

Okay, that's true. How did you do this? I. I've got. I get where they, like, will say. Maybe you get that where they go, like, might be quote, might be colon. And then like, so and so. Yeah, and I'm like, yeah, you. Right, that's them.

[B]

But see, that's because it's somebody you've already talked to in your phone. But what I'm talking about, I have had no contact with these people. And I don't know what Jotavious Biden did, but as soon as he started lying to the girls and saying that he was gonna raise the student loan debt, I get calls every morning, every single morning from different numbers. I block them all, and they be calling from different numbers, and now they're starting to call with names attached. Like I'm supposed to know who that is.

[A]

That's a new level because, you know they were using our area codes, right?

[B]

Oh, yeah. They do that a lot too. I get a ton of 21 4s because I'm from Texas. So that's. So they think you're going to be like, oh, maybe it's my granny. Them. Maybe it's one of my cousins in jail. But that's how they get you, man. Scam. Likely. I need to step your shit up because, like, Apple, if you want any money left to scam for me, you better start really policing. For real?

[A]

For real. I had to get one of those apps that, like, filters it out because I just. I hit my breaking point, like, three weeks ago. I was like, I can't do this anymore. I cannot. So I had to get.

[B]

What's the app called?

[A]

Let me see.

[B]

Stop. Playing on my phone.

[A]

It should be called that. It's called Hiya. H I. Y a, Hiya.

[B]

You hear that, guys? Hiya. Okay, then you won't have to hear from anybody that you don't fuck with.

[A]

It's been pretty good. It's been pretty good. I'm not going to. It does. It does let things slip through sometimes, though.

[B]

Okay, but if somebody calls, like, because, you know, as actors and shit, you get production people calling you all the time from numbers, you know? Now if they call, is haya gonna be like, no, sis. Fire.

[A]

And that's the question. Maybe I've missed out on 17 jobs since I got this. That's the question. I don't think so. I think it does recognize, like, the difference between one of these fake phone call. I don't. That's what I'm praying.

[B]

Please, God, I feel like you putting a little extra seasoning on it that. They didn't say that they did. They said wrong number. Who dis? They didn't say, like. But we will make sure opportunities make it through the filter. We can tell when it's an opportunity trying to opportunitize for you.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

That's the. That's the real one I need, right?

[B]

That's what I need, too. Like some app. Just like, money or nah. And if people ain't calling about money,

[A]

it just be like, nah, nah, I like that money.

[B]

Or nah, are you giving me money? Or nah. If you calling one money, absolutely nah. Those people need to go away as well.

[A]

Far away.

[B]

And, like, it's crazy to me that these student loan people are doing this shit too. Because I'm like, bro, do you not. I'm a millennial. You don't think I have the student loan number saved in my phone as. Do not pick up, bitch. Are you okay?

[A]

Me and Navien, besties okay?

[B]

That raggedy bitch, Sallie Mae. Are you kidding? I know the girl, okay? I know where she stay. I know what kind of car she drive, okay? She ain't gonna catch me slipping.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

Sally be trying to put on a new wig and call you from a new number. Girl. Sally, we know it's you. God damn.

[A]

She's like, no, it's Sale.

[B]

It's Selena now it's Salinas. You're really not gonna pick up the phone for Salinas? Sally, it's you.

[A]

We know who you are. We know.

[B]

But let's get into it, right? Confessions.

[A]

Oh, hey, guys.

[B]

What's up? We talk about con stuff. There just so happens to be some Gems in there. But this is the show where we read your listene letters. You can confess about your own life, your friends, your family. Snitch on anybody you like. Just make sure the scams are tired at Scam got his pod Gmail dot com. And I just want to reiterate this, okay? Scam got his pot. Gmail.com is for y' all to talk to us about scams. I do not want no more emails where you're trying to reprimand me for talking about turf ass JK Rowling. I didn't read it. I just saw the subject line and I deleted it. Stop trying to carry me in my inbox. It's not what it's for. Also, it's not for your diary. Okay? I love y'.

[A]

All.

[B]

I love y' all so much. But some of y' all be sending me, like, the longest. Like. Like, I'm not a soldier at war. Like, why is this letter so long? Like, let's get.

[A]

Some people are lonely, you know?

[B]

That's true. I be lonely. I'm very lonely.

[A]

You know, we're in the middle of the Panda Express.

[B]

Like, I stayed on a date that I definitely should have left immediately the other day. So I understand why y' all are

[A]

dating during the pandemonium.

[B]

Okay, first of all, I'm fully next. Oh, thank. Congratulations.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Thank you. I'm bowing. I'm bowing in real hot, girl. I got my fauci ouchies. Okay, Okay. I got my government stabbing. And it's. It's nice. The only one. So. No, it was an outdoor restaurant, so it was also outside. Everybody was wearing masks, but I went, and it was like, on Hinge. On. I think I'm about to lose my time on Hinge. I think it's about to be over.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So actually, a woman tried to scam me right before that. I'll talk about that later. But a woman, like, literally, as I was parking.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

I feel like I told you this, right?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay. So I was going to this Hinge date, right? We had started talking at 5pm decided to meet up at 8:30pm I was being fast because I was like, that's

[A]

my favorite kind of fucking date. It's like, let's get to it, bitch. Let's get to it.

[B]

Okay. Ain't nothing to it, but you do it. Okay. Okay.

[A]

So.

[B]

So I'm, you know, pulling up. I have a plan for afterwards. He's already meeting with his friends, so, like, we both, you know, I was,

[A]

you know, there's A time limit on this. You know there's a time. And you. Another tip. Always set a time limit on a day in case you need to escape, right?

[B]

You always need to be somewhere right after or maybe during. So I park, right? Okay. So you know how LA parking is. I'm trying to get. I literally was calling your name in the car because you have the best parking juju. Guys, I'm serious out there. I know them Harry Potter spells, they don't sound real and stuff, but I swear, if you just be in your car and you just say, Priscilla, Priscilla Davies, like you will get a bomb ass parking spot.

[A]

Did you get a bomb spot?

[B]

I invoked your name and I did. So here's, here's the issue. It was across the street. I'm driving the opposite way. I see the lights coming on like they're about to leave. So I check both sides because I know I'm about to do something illegal. So I'm looking left to the right, right? And I just flip a bitch in the middle of the street and I get the spot. I'm waiting on the spot. There's a raggedy car behind me that turns on their blinkers. And I was like, hold on, it's only one spot. So I don't know why, I don't know why you put your blinkers on, okay? Because the spots for me. So I'm thinking maybe they know the person in the spot, you know? But the people get in, drive away. So I park. This woman still has a blinkers on behind me. She's holding up traffic. I was like, what's going on? So then next thing I know, she's knocking on my window. And this is a black woman. I would call her a queen, but she was really a devil. And she had on a wig that looked highly flammable,

[A]

but they're not flammable. They melt. Those kind of wigs, I know exactly the ones.

[B]

Document she was giving Bath and Body Works candle sale. Like it was going up in flames, okay? And it was not gonna be aromatic. It wasn't gonna be no spring cotton, okay? It was gonna smell bad. So it's cocked to the side looking as angry she was. And she was like, you almost killed me when you turned around. Like I almost hit you. And I was like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, I didn't see you. She was like, you didn't hear that? I was like, hear what? No one honked. There was no screech, There was no nothing. She was like, well, we almost crashed and if we did, it would have been so much damage. I would have died. And I was like, oh, my God. Okay. So I just kept apologizing. And then she was like, I don't want you to say sorry. And I was like, well, what do you want from me?

[A]

Money, right?

[B]

And I'm not stupid enough to ask that question. I ain't asked what you want from me. Okay, I'm getting you what you gonna get. Don't ever ask people what they want, okay? You tell them what you're willing to give. So I was like, okay, well, I'm sorry. I don't know what else to tell you. Like, I'm being really nice. And she's like, well, you should just drive more safely. I was like, absolutely. Like, that's so scary. I'm so sorry that that happened to you. And she was like, well, my car crunched up, so, like, I don't know, it won't move. Like, it might be something wrong with it because of how fast I had to stop.

[A]

And I was like, oh, because of how fast I. You ever just stop? That's it. Car done.

[B]

That's called break, sis. You're supposed to have. You might need some new shoes. But that's not my issue. Like, take it to pit, boys. Let them give you the ministry you need. No. So then I was like, okay. So I just kind of rolled the window up. She walked away. She's still standing outside. Now she's gonna go back in her car. And I don't know if she's got, like, an iPad or something, but she started taking pictures of my license plate. So this one, I was like, ah, hell. So I get out the car and I take pictures of her and her, like, smart.

[A]

You took pictures of hers, right? Okay.

[B]

Yeah. Just in case she tried to do something cute, you know, like, I got you, too, boo.

[A]

I got you, too. Jax 22, 5,

[B]

right? From. From Illinois. Okay.

[A]

What are you doing out here?

[B]

Tags changed. Exactly. So I'm walking into the date off of this frazzle, right?

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I walk in, this man, he was very fine. He puts his arm around me and he goes. What is your name again?

[A]

Now, that's love, y'. All. That's dating in la. I love it, bro.

[B]

The app is right there. Also, I feel like he knew my name.

[A]

Like, you couldn't have just prepared yourself like. Like you knew I was coming.

[B]

Just nag me.

[A]

What?

[B]

He was trying to nag me. He knew my name. And then his friend, who was already there, this girl that they went to college together. She was like, congratulations on buying your new house or whatever. And I was like, oh, maybe I haven't seen each other in a while, so, you know, you got to congratulate your friend.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He's like, yeah, I just bought this house for my family, you know, so they can have some passive income. And I was like, okay. Then he took an email. He took an email on a Saturday. And he was like, oh, God, this woman, she's trying to cancel her membership. But I don't even care about that because we're not even charging. It's renewal money. And then he leans over to me and he goes, I own two gyms. And I was like, I am being. These niggas tried to rob me. I'm glad I left when I did after my buffalo cauliflower and my one vodka soda, because I think they was gonna try to rob me.

[A]

I mean, clearly. What the fuck? That was a lot.

[B]

It was giving robbery. But anyway, yes. So we're all lonely.

[A]

But he was hot.

[B]

He was really hot. And it was so sad because he negged me. The first thing he said so I could never contact him again. Like that what's your name thing.

[A]

Like, nah, yeah, that's not cute. And then also just like. Like, I don't need to know all your finances. Like, on day one, day two, we can talk about it.

[B]

He went full Grand Prix. Just fucking red flags at the starting line. Like, bro, we didn't even sat down. Like, God damn. So, guys, right? What do we come here to do? Confessions. Priscilla, do you want to take this first one?

[A]

Sure. This is a long one, y', all, so you can skip around. I might be editing as we read, sis. I love how the first line is. I'll get right into it.

[B]

And she did not.

[A]

Oh, do we have a name for this person?

[B]

Oh, no, I'll give you a name. Let's call this person Esquire.

[A]

Esquire. Fancy. So I'll get right into it. This is right. This is kind of long, but worth it.

[B]

Kind of very.

[A]

Kind of very. A lot long. A few months ago, while my husband and I were working from home in different rooms, he sent me a link to a Patagonia outlet store. Okay. We are moving to a colder climate later this year, so we were talking about trying to buy clothes that would be good to stay warm without spending a ton of money. So he tells me that he wants to order from this site, and I browse through, picking out a few items for myself. The next day, I placed the order and was excited to invest in some new warm clothes at a discount. Honey, ew. Well, as soon as I clicked purchase, I knew something wasn't right. First, I had to go through PayPal for payment. I mean, I've paid via PayPal.

[B]

Yeah, but she says that that was the only option on the website.

[A]

Yeah, that's messy. Okay, there you go. Okay. That's what the the had meant. I had to got it the only way. The only way to pay. This should have been a red flag, but I was too thrown off by the hope for some warm clothes at a discount. And I've seen plenty of sites have PayPal as a payment option. But not the only option. Okay, girl, now you make a slant. Second, I didn't think to question where my husband got this website because I trust him. But I looked at the link and I can't even remember what it was, but it was definitely sketchy, but close enough to some form of patagoniaoutlet.com that I didn't even notice. Third, once it processed, I got this strange looking email confirming the purchase that didn't even have the items I bought listed. It just said something like items in cart.

[B]

They said, yo, stuff is coming. Stuff, stuff soon will arrive. You know what you bought. We don't gotta go through that.

[A]

Okay. And I saw the charge on my credit card was from a company with a long Chinese name located in China, AKA not Patagonia. Is Patagonia a place?

[B]

I was thinking about that too.

[A]

When, I mean, I think it is a place, but I mean like, is

[B]

that where the Patagonia come from? Straight from Patagonia Mountain.

[A]

Like Patagonia from like Connecticut.

[B]

Patagonia. South America.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Damn. Americas. Mexico. De fm. Mexico. Guatemala. Guatemala. Give me Honduras. El Salvador. No, I'm gonna get there. El Salvador. Manawa. Nicar.

[A]

But, but so wait, so, but is that where the company does their business?

[B]

Okay, so Patagonia is in. Located in Argentina.

[A]

Yeah, Patagonia is a spot. My question is, what does that have to do. Is that where the company runs shit from? Patagonia?

[B]

Where they be mailing the Patagonias out of now that I don't know where they mail in the Patagonias.

[A]

Okay, because Patagonia, I thought it was like, you know, like fucking Connecticut dead ass. Like, I feel like that's the kind of place it would come out of.

[B]

Right, but let's not act like white folks in Connecticut won't name something after some foreign shit and be trying to trick you. Cause like there's A whole. There's a whole vending machine store called Bodega that's definitely not run by anybody who owns a bodega. So, you know.

[A]

Okay, well, that was a great geography lesson. Awesome. So back to the story. I tried calling my credit card company immediately to cancel it, but they said I had to wait until the order was processed. I opened a claim with PayPal. That spoiler eventually led to nothing. I started looking right away and asked my husband where he got this site. He told me he saw it on a Facebook ad. As I kept looking. Okay, as I kept looking, I saw the actual Patagonia website has a section on it dedicated to warning people and collecting info on fake scam outlet websites. Okay, fast forward a few weeks ahead. I received this package. It looks homemade. It looks homemade.

[B]

Come on, crafts. Come on, arts and crafts. Yes. It could have been homemade in Patagonia. Maybe. You got a Patagonia from Patagonia?

[A]

I mean, it's homemade. I love it. It looks homemade. A thick plastic. Thick plastic bag with a lot of duct tape on it.

[B]

No, no, they didn't wrap it up like a body they was about to throw in the ocean.

[A]

They were like, you gonna sleep with the fishes or get to this person's house? Whichever comes first. This is hilarious. I opened it, and sure enough, there were extremely low quality, lowest of the low versions of our Patagonia items with logos on them and everything. Girl, I have been in a similar situation.

[B]

Patagachas, y' all work. Y' all better rock them patagachas. Okay?

[A]

A couple weeks later, I get notified by my credit card company that my dispute was rejected because they reached out to this company who proved they shipped my items and had not heard from me to try to return or complain. True.

[B]

Did they lie?

[A]

She said true. She said true. Mind you, I could not find any way to contact them once I completed the purchase, and the website was gone within two days of making the purchase.

[B]

Sounds like a you problem. You gotta find the website. You didn't save the vpn. You don't got the Internet located.

[A]

She thought it was. She thought. You know, it's like. It's like hindsight, you know, she thought she was dealing with some real. Until it was too late and she

[B]

already appeared in browser. I'm totally joking. Yeah, I'm totally joking. I. When a website disappears, I love the company being like, look, we would. She ain't say nothing to us after we disappeared the website. She didn't even reach out.

[A]

We disappeared the website.

[B]

Well, how are we Supposed to know when she done disappeared the web.

[A]

We disappeared the website.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Right. So even the package that came had no return address and no packing slip or anything. I spoke to.

[B]

I just.

[A]

I'm sorry. I don't know how this is gonna end, but I just. Imagine this company, they just threw anything in a fucking box, wrapped that bitch up with duct tape, sent it off, and then disappeared their website.

[B]

Right. How did the feds not even look at this package? The package sounds like it came in looking like a brick. A Diego.

[A]

A Kilo Dog. Oh, my God. I spoke to someone from the credit card company, and the lady sternly explained it was my fault for not realizing I was being scammed and gave me some tips to prevent this in the future, like, looking at the company's policies.

[B]

I'm mad.

[A]

She got lectured. She was like. She was like, bitch, let me tell you how you fucked up.

[B]

She was like, susan, I thought this was American Express. She said, yeah, and I'm expressly going to tell you where the fuck you lost it. Okay, okay.

[A]

You're fucking up. You're fucking up Esquire. This is hilarious. Okay, now, earlier. Yes, we're still going now. Earlier this week, again, we are working from home. And my husband.

[B]

We know Esquire. We know y' all work from home. We get it. Y' all got two separate offices. Y' all got a lot of coins. Y'. All. Y' all just be. You know, I mean, if you could afford.

[A]

Patagonia is expensive, right? It's not cheap.

[B]

No. But you see, they weren't trying to pay top dollar. They was paying Facebook dollars. Sucking dollars. I mean.

[A]

Yeah. So, yeah, they're living good. So my husband comes into my office, laughing, saying he could purchase a gift card using the 25% discount they were offering, which he just had done. And then he planned to continue purchasing gift cards at discounted rates using the initial gift card, being able to get hundreds of dollars for free.

[B]

Esquire, come close.

[A]

Come.

[B]

Put your ear up. Put your ear up to the radio. Or like, stick.

[A]

Stick your.

[B]

Stick your headphone deeper into your canal. Okay?

[A]

Your husband's a scammer, and he, like, scammed you, too. He was like, hey, baby, I got this website.

[B]

Why he ain't click on the website? Hey, baby girl, go on this website. Pick out whatever you want. It's called Patagonia, China Disappear. Godaddy. Okay? And now he got a new scheme. You married a scammer, Esquire.

[A]

He's a scammer. He's a scammer. Okay.

[B]

He gonna run away when the feds come. He can't take.

[A]

Oh, God. We're gonna work on this. Don't worry. We'll come back with the full song later.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Best part. He says there were Patagonia jackets and sweaters he could buy that had the bank logo pretty small, and he could finally get some Patagonia items. No, he's not scammy at that.

[B]

Her husband works at a bank.

[A]

I cut.

[B]

It was a long paragraph about the bank, and I got rid of that. But her husband works at a bank, and the bank was like, hey, girls. For the bank, girls, we're having 25% off of all these items and merch for the bank.

[A]

Oh, I see. I see, I see. Okay. So he goes to the bank's employee merch swag store and notices that you can no longer buy a gift card. It got removed from just a few minutes ago when he made his purchase where we heard this before. Someone must have realized this was possible and took it down. So his redemption scam. She's talking about redemptions. Redemption scams.

[B]

All I ever had. I love that rebranding for y'.

[A]

All.

[B]

You were like, look, okay, so we was trying to scam a discount. We got scammed. And now this is our redemption. This is the arc of the movie where we running up the steps, you

[A]

know, redeeming our scam. So his redemption scam plans are beginning to fall apart. Next, he finds the Patagonia sweater he wants on the site and puts it in the cart, figuring he can at least get the discounted sweater with the one gift card he got. He goes back to his inbox, gets the gift card code, tries to apply the gift card, and gets an error message. It ain't working. So he calls whatever version of customer service they have for this internal scam store and leaves a message. I go back to work for a bit. You were still working this whole time?

[B]

You're employed, Esquire. We know you make coins. We know you work at your home office. That's in your home. That's next to your husband's office. That's also in the home where y' all are both employed. Gainfully.

[A]

We get it. And he tells me he got a call saying you can't buy the gift cards using the discount. And so they have canceled the gift card purchase and refunded his money. His hopes of finally getting that discounted Patagonia gear were crushed once again. Anyways, lessons learned. One, don't just click on ads on Facebook, Instagram, Et cetera, and assume it's not a scam site. Very smart. Number two, companies that sell merch swag to their employees is a scam. Yeah, I think so. That's a scam. Right?

[B]

Right. Like, why am I buying your merch? Why am I walking around advertising? This is my place of employment. If you don't give me this Patagonia sweater for free before I burn this motherfucker down. Are you kidding me? With the way capitalism set up? Y' all know y' all owe me a Patagonia at least working up in this ass bank.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

What's the bank?

[A]

I should be getting a Patagonia like, every two years here. That should be part of my package. And finally, white people, don't get too caught up in the Patagonia dream if it's out of your price range. That is all.

[B]

Wow. The fact that at the end, Esquire was like, fellow whites, you know, we all love a pata and a gonia, but if that is not in your budget right now, if that's not how God wants to use your coins. Fellow whites, Caucasians, let her go. Those from the Caucus Mountains. Hear me? Let Patagonia go.

[A]

I'm just like. So let me get this straight. Y' all have two jobs, you're gainfully employed, two offices. You have two offices in your own damn house, and you couldn't afford just to go to the regular Patagonia site?

[B]

Yeah, I just feel as though y' all make enough money to just go on over to regular Patagonia. But, you know, the husband is a scammer, and that's why he didn't want to do it, because he saw some Facebook come up and he said, you know what? Gregory's clicking on that today. You know who's gonna be warned?

[A]

25% off. What the hell? Let me click on that. Yeah, y' all did too much, and that's why your scam failed. Sorry, Esquire, but Esquire, this is a

[B]

beautiful story with so many twists and turns and so many. So much inner monologuing. And thank you for writing into the show with your homie life.

[A]

I think I know you now, Esquire.

[B]

We homies now. Esquire. We know you and your scamming ass husband, and we really wanna know him. Let us know what shenanigans we're trying

[A]

to hang out with him. What's he up to?

[B]

Right? And now we know he's got another scam redemption in him because this. He gotta redeem both scams. Like what's he gonna do next?

[A]

That's a double homicide.

[B]

Oh, my God. No, not Zeus. Not Zeus. Listen, Jocelyn's Cabaret Child, the worst television. I will always keep watching.

[A]

I only watch clips, but I want all of them.

[B]

Listen, I got that Zeus login for you, sis, if you need to get into it, because it's a mess. But no, we should not be all paying for it. We should all share one Zeus login.

[A]

Agreed.

[B]

But, guys, again, you know, if something just seems too good to be true, it usually is. I. I' ma pray for y'.

[A]

All.

[B]

I. I know y' all move into a cold climate. Maybe we can do some thrift store shopping or, you know, I just. Here's.

[A]

Here's another reason why I know y' all bullsh. Because it's like, I would never in my mind think, like, oh, I'm moving to a cold climate. Let me buy clothes from the most expensive fucking store that has. Like, you can go to Target and get a jacket, okay?

[B]

That's where I'm going to have to say no. Because when I moved to Pittsburgh to go to college, I was like, I'm. You're from up north, so you already know the deal on how to get the stuff. If you're from a warm climate, you got to go with some, guaranteed. Because I went to Gap, and let me tell you, I was doing my best Mary J. Blige impression. I had booty boots with furs. I had jackets that seemed puffy. And I got to Pittsburgh, and when I tell you the wind fully went through my entire body, clothes included, and I went straight to North Face, and I said, give me the north and the face y' all got. What are these? North Face hair scarves. They gonna keep my. They gonna keep my hair warm. This hair tie, put it in the bag. What else y' all got? North Face nose plugs? Sure. Like, what else?

[A]

But I feel like even North Face is, like, a smaller price point than Patagonia.

[B]

Is it? I feel like North Face is expensive.

[A]

It is expensive, but I don't think it's expensive. As expensive as Patagonia?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Maybe. I may. I've had a lot of. I have a lot of high thoughts about Patagonia. I'm like, only bougie people wear that.

[B]

Right? But I guess, like, another. It's not equivalent. I'm sure it's more expensive being like, oh, we're moving to a cold climate. What's on the Montclair website?

[A]

On the mon. What's that one?

[B]

Montclair oh, you know what? Montclair. Oh, Montclair is the, like, Rolls Royce of the cold jacket and the cold blues.

[A]

I've never heard of. Is this new? I've never heard of it.

[B]

Oh, no, it's pop. It's just very rich.

[A]

Ooh, damn. I need to find out about Moncler.

[B]

Get on Moncler sweater. Okay, that's. Yes. All right, well. Well, we got to read one letter because y' all won't stop playing one. Can y' all make these shorter? I love y'. All.

[A]

I mean, did we spend 10 minutes just catching up personally?

[B]

Yes, we. We did.

[A]

Okay, so we will take that. Our bad. Okay, here's the thing. Here's the thing. That fucking letter was long and you know it.

[B]

Okay, yeah, I was talking about my date in life, and I got scammed. Okay, sure, yeah, we took up a lot of the time, me being we. But still shorter letters. But Esquire, we love you. Scam got his pot. Gmail.com, email us your nonsense, snitch on

[A]

your friends and family.

[B]

Just make sure your bag is retired. And. And you can always find me at D I V, A L A C I. Diva Lacey on all platforms. If you want to watch me. A black lady sketch show season two is out now on HBO and hbo. Max the Con Wednesdays on abc. And Scam got a spot on all platforms.

[A]

Yay.

[B]

Yay.

[A]

And of course, you can find me priscilladaviesactor on IG&O T Desert on Twitter and TikTok. The two T's.

[B]

Yes, congregation, keep confessing. Goddamn.