Con-Fessions: The Cool College Squatter

Summary

Scam Goddess: Con-Fessions – "The Cool College Squatter"

Host: Laci Mosley
Guest Co-host: Priscilla Davies
Date: May 27, 2021
Episode Focus: Listener "Con-fessions": including a wild story of a college roommate who faked being a student and lived rent-free for years, plus a door-to-door utility scam.

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Episode Overview

This episode of the Scam Goddess podcast is a part of the recurring listener segment "Con-fessions," in which audience members write in with their personal scam stories or tales of friends and family members involved in cons. Laci Mosley and her co-host Priscilla Davies read and riff on these true stories, blending sharp, comedic commentary with genuine scam analysis.
The central story this week features "James," a college "squatter" who lived in campus housing and pretended to be a student for three years, fooling roommates and his own family. The hosts also tackle a door-to-door utility scam, discuss housing-robbing etiquette, and break down scam psychology—all while keeping the classic irreverent, high-energy tone of the show.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Confessions Inbox: AMC Scam Feedback

• [01:04] Listener "Jolene" (nickname given by Priscilla) responds to a previous episode where AMC theater workers scammed money.
  • Insight: Jolene reveals that workplace scams often fail due to "hater" employees whose job is literally to check cancellations and customer complaints.
  • Laci: "I work in a hater job. And, yeah, I could just be a hater. But I'm trying to let you know how to tighten up." [01:52]

2. The Main Con-Fession: “The Cool College Squatter”

a. The Setup

• [03:13-05:00] A listener writes in about their little brother's college roommate "James," who mysteriously pays his rent "directly to housing" and shares a room, while the third roommate has a bedroom to himself.
• Notable Quote (Priscilla): “How did your other roommate scam you into getting a room by themselves?” [05:09]

b. The James Enigma

• Over three years, James shows signs of not being a real student:
  • Doesn’t attend class, keeps weird hours, claims professor exemptions, always "studying" but never seen in class by fellow CS majors.
• Roommate doubts: “By year 10, I was like, something is definitely off.” – Laci, [05:00]
• Both hosts recall similar “phantom students” in their college days.

c. The Graduation Scam

• [07:11] On graduation day, James fakes a medical emergency (throwing up blood) to avoid graduation, with his whole family in town.
  • Hilarious reenactment:
    • Laci: “Bro, it’s me, I know. I don’t know why I’m knocking— we’re in the same room. But yeah, I’ve been throwing up blood… you mind wheeling me down to the hospital?” [07:34]
  • Priscilla: “He was like, oh man, that sucks. I guess I’m gonna miss it.” [07:55]

d. The Big Reveal

• [09:02-10:59] Months later, through poking around the university portal, James’ roommates discover his account was deactivated six months after freshman year—confirming he hadn't been a student since then.
  • The realization dawns that James never attended classes, lived for free while faking academic life, and possibly used his “tuition” for living expenses.
  • Priscilla: “Three and a half years of holding up a fucking con is hard, okay?” [11:59]

e. Scam Ethics, Psychology, and Wrap-Up

• Both hosts marvel at James’ audacity and wish he’d used the opportunity to learn more, perhaps even make money.
  • Laci: “I wish you would capitalize more… you could have left fake college with savings, with a nest egg.” [17:30]
  • Priscilla: “You should have taken more advantage... at least sit in the back of every class and get a free education!” [18:02]
• Commentary on the “roommate blind spot” and why nobody ever called James out or investigated earlier.

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3. Door-to-Door Utility Scam

[19:38-34:31]

• Listener "Bobby Shmurda" describes being approached by suspicious door-to-door people claiming to lower utility bills, but actually phishing for login info to switch service providers (at higher rates).
• The hosts provide both safety comedy and practical advice:
  • Laci (on inviting strangers in): “Are you white? This must be a white person, right? Cause this is not a Black people thing.” [21:46]
  • Priscilla: “You have to be like, what follows next? You turn the lights off and you turn into motherfucking blinds…” [22:36]
• The scam is exposed: they’re not random criminals, but work for a legit (if predatory) competitor, signing people up without their full awareness.
  • Priscilla: “This is what we call a scam approved by the Better Business Bureau.” [34:15]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On College Scammers:
  • "James must have had a cool ass personality or something...He must have had the beer flowing or the pizza or something. Cause y'all seem to let him slide for a while and you're sharing a room with him." – Laci [05:09]
  • “To this day, I’m pretty sure his family still thinks that he graduated with a computer science degree, which honestly…what IS computer science?” – Laci [12:57]
• On White Guilt vs. Scam Survival Tactics:
  • Priscilla: “So the people at my door were Black, so I felt weird about the whole situation. Was I being racist? Were my instincts correct?” [28:45]
  • Laci: “Black people can be scammers. We’re not all angels because the police is murdering us.” [30:33]
• On Home Safety:
  • “My mom always told me…you never live on the first floor. That’s like less work for robbers. They don’t even gotta take no stairs…” – Laci [22:45]
  • Priscilla: “But actually, everybody should do that. If you have a sliding door—get that dowel, that piece of wood for the window…” [23:22]

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• 00:02 – 01:41: Jolene’s AMC scam correction (how most employee scams are caught)
• 03:13 – 17:30: The "James" college squatter saga (setup, clues, and the three-year con)
• 19:38 – 34:31: Door-to-door utility scam story (how it works, safety, and social dynamics)
• 34:31 – End: Safety chat, doormat life hacks, episode signoff

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Tone, Style, and Takeaways

• Original Language & Energy: The show’s humor, fast-paced banter, and cultural insights come through amidst the scam analysis: “We stand. Let’s go on down to door-to-door robbery. That’ll close out this episode.” – Laci [19:38]
• Advice & Insight: Blend of comedy and real-world safety lessons—on trusting your scam-radar, questioning strange roommates, and being alert to predatory sales.
• Cultural Commentary: Framed by the hosts’ lived experiences as Black women, especially regarding safety, discrimination, and the realities of navigating scams in daily life.

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Quick Takeaways for Listeners

• Trust your instincts when something feels off—be it a roommate’s absentee college career or a “utility rep” at your door.
• Scams come in all flavors, sometimes even with BBB approval. Always double-check official credentials.
• Roommate red flags are real. Three years is too long to not ask your roomie if they actually go to college.
• Humor helps process scam culture, but the lessons are real: “Stay schemin’—but watch your bag!”

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Stay Schemin’, Congregation!

To submit your own con-fessions: [e-mail]
Find Laci Mosley: @divalaci on all socials
Find Priscilla Davies: @priscilladaviesactor (IG) | @QOTDesert (Twitter/TikTok)

As always, stay safe, savvy, and a little skeptical, y’all!

Transcript

[A]

What's poppin, congregation? It's time for another installment of Confessions. This is where we read your listener letters live on the air. As always, if you want to snitch on your friends and family, scam goddess pod at gmail dot com. I was talking so fast. Scam got a spot at gmail dot com. Snitch on your friends, family, loved ones, hated ones. Okay, just make sure the scam is retired because we don't want to up your bag. We also don't want the FBI knocking on a door. Okay, again, as always, the show is hosted by me, Lacey Mosley, and me, Priscilla Davies. Yes. So good to see you, sis.

[B]

So good. Yes, you too.

[A]

So, first letter up. Let's just get into it. Why not? Let's do says, hey, Lacey and Priscilla. Do I love the show question mark? I don't know, since you won't let me tell you. Oh, wow. Rude.

[B]

I love it. I love the sounds.

[A]

How you gonna be so nasty and

[B]

so rude right up the first line?

[A]

Give me a name for this person, because I did not. We didn't name them. I'm all off.

[B]

No, let's call them. Jolene. Joine. Jolene.

[A]

Please don't take my man. Jolene. So it says. I'm currently listening to your Confessions episode about robbing from your jobs. The. The ones who worked for AMC were pocketing money by canceling items. They need to be careful next time. I work in a hater position at my job, and I can see every item that gets canceled or removed from a ticket when someone does so. And we follow up on those customers to see if they, in fact, did remove those items. The scam only works with cash customers, but it's not foolproof since almost everything is done with a computer.

[B]

Wow, Jolene, thank you. Thank you. I love somebody who's like, you know what? Let me let them know that they're scamming the wrong way. Right.

[A]

Like, I work in a hater job. And, yeah, I could just be a hater. But I'm trying to let you know how to tighten up.

[B]

Wow, Jolene, you didn't. I mean, this is great. Thank you so much. And I'm sure that person. If only I can remember their name. We've gone through so many. I'm sure that person will greatly appreciate. Although it's retired now.

[A]

Right. So.

[B]

But for the future, for future people,

[A]

for the future, for future listeners, if you got inspired and. And you work at an amc, you know, which, like the AMC girls, y' all can kind of chill on Scamming them, because after the Ponderosa, they really just had a hard time. They're closing left and right.

[B]

You know, I mean, I feel like movie theaters were always having a hard time.

[A]

That's true. Because they don't really make coins off the box office.

[B]

Right.

[A]

They just make it off them extra ass snacks and larges, the concessions.

[B]

Right.

[A]

A large.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

So, yeah, now we know. Now we have a warning. I appreciate that.

[B]

Thanks, Jolene.

[A]

Jolene, thanks for looking out. So let's get into our next. This one's a longer one.

[B]

Awesome.

[A]

Y' all love to send the long letters. This ain't Steve Harvey. We ain't doing strawberry letters, y'.

[B]

All.

[A]

We got to cut it on down to. To the necessity, the bare necessities. But I am happy that you guys write in, so let me quit complaining, okay?

[B]

Yeah. They're gonna be like, you know what? Fuck you. Right?

[A]

I'm not gonna write else then. Okay. You don't want to hear. Okay, so this says, hi. I'll read this. Lacy, you bring light to my life. There you go. I read something nice. Thank you. I appreciate it. The scam was conducted by my little brother's roommate in college. Names are changed. Okay. Story is told from my brother's voice. Wow, what a scammer. This not your story. And you're also just going to write it in his voice because you know that I love this for both of us, right? Yes. So year one, I made a friend who we will call James. James and another friend and I decided to move into campus housing for the next year. When we showed up on moving day, the apartment was a two bedroom. James said he had worked it out with the housing people so that all three of us moved in with James and I sharing a bedroom. James said he was paying his rent directly to campus housing.

[B]

Girl, that's what I'm doing. Move into somebody's house and be like, oh, but no, no, me, I pay my rent directly. Yeah.

[A]

No, no, I pay mine straight to bank of America for the mortgage. No, I done kicked in. I kicked in. Whatever y' all paying is actually what's left, because I sent mine direct to the B of A.

[B]

Okay. Yeah.

[A]

And they said it was A. Okay.

[B]

I'm in good standing, right?

[A]

How about y'? All? Okay. Make sure y' all paying y' all rent. Got my credit.

[B]

Good.

[A]

Okay. So we already know something, Sus. Right? So myself and our friends noticed strange things going on with James over the next three years. Okay. Three years y' all waited too Long.

[B]

Y' all tripping.

[A]

Three years.

[B]

We started noticing things were weird over the next three years.

[A]

By year 10, I was like, something is definitely off.

[B]

Something so weird about him. Let's just stick it out another five years just in case. Right?

[A]

James must have had a cool ass personality or something. He must have had the beer flowing or the pizza or something. Cause y' all seem to let him slide for a while and you're sharing a room with him. How did your other roommate scam you into getting a room by themselves?

[B]

I. I mean, my God.

[A]

So after these three long years, it says he doesn't do classwork at all. He has an inverted sleep schedule most of the time. And he got permission from his Russian professor to never attend class because he's biling. He's supposedly a computer science major, but no one else in the CS program sees him in class. Jokes develop about how James isn't even in school. I still live with him all this time and notice he doesn't really do much. Teaches himself some photo and video editing software. That's about it. James and I are still living together three years later when he is supposed to be graduating.

[B]

I just, I'm sorry, I'm just like, how do you have a roommate that you're not sure goes to the school for three years?

[A]

Okay, I will say this. When I was in college, there was a guy who we all thought did not go to school. There was actually a couple of them and they were always in fraternities. And we'd be like, yeah, I know he not enrolled. Like that was the joke. Like I know two people like that now that I think about it. And it was just like, it's fine. He'd just be at the parties.

[B]

But that's you knowing people from afar. Like this dude lived in his bedroom.

[A]

Okay, okay, fair.

[B]

I think on a previous episode I told you about how I had one of these roommates who didn't go to school when I was in college. One of my roommates didn't live on campus. I mean, she lived on campus but she didn't actually go to the school. But I knew, like I knew that she didn't go to. I knew we were harboring.

[A]

Harboring. She's a fugitive non student. How dare you not get scammed by school. But use the housing, right?

[B]

Yeah. I mean, okay, so yeah, they're harboring homeboy.

[A]

Right? So graduation is like pulling up around the corner, right? So James wakes up at 7am on the day of graduation and tells me he's been throwing up blood and asked me to take him to the hospital.

[B]

I love James.

[A]

James came out hot.

[B]

He was like, james, I have a stomachache. No throwing a blood.

[A]

What's up, bro? No, bro, it's me and J. I know. I don't know why I'm knocking on the door. We're in the same room. But yeah, I've been throwing up blood out my mouth, bro. So much blood out my mouth. You mind wheeling me down to the hospital, bruh? James, it's graduation.

[B]

Oh. Oh, man, that sucks. I guess I'm gonna miss it.

[A]

Just so much blood in my mouth right now, bruh. I know you can't see it, but I'm there.

[B]

I'm gagging. I'm gagging right now, bro.

[A]

So he says, okay, can you take me to the hospital? Externally, I say, sure. Internally, I say, oh. So this is how he gets out of graduation. His entire extended family is flying in, even from his grandparents mother's country. I drive him to the emergency room and wait for his parents to arrive. A couple of hours later, his family returns with James in tow. The next day, he's well enough after throwing up blood to have a U haul drive halfway across the country. All thanks to some magic medicine. His family is so grateful to me for getting him to the hospital.

[B]

So James is scamming everybody. If he knows you, you've been scammed. Mama scam, Daddy scammed.

[A]

Granny flew all the way over here from Patagonia. How you gonna scam her?

[B]

And you know that's in South America.

[A]

You know, just facts we know.

[B]

Just little things that happen. It's like whatever. It's like, I know that.

[A]

Just facts we know.

[B]

It's like not weird at all.

[A]

He scammed his granny, so all of them are just like, well, he was throwing up blood. So that's why we didn't go to the graduation. Yeah, they said it wasn't.

[B]

Don't tell me they paid for tickets and everything to get out there. How?

[A]

He's so disrespectful. James is so disrespectful, and I love this for him. I truly do. So months later, one of my friends who's still in school decides to mess around with what they see as the university's website or what they can see on the university's website. So they find out that most information is available for anyone that has an account with the university. We look up our own emails and all the information seems completely accurate. Then we search for JamesXniversity. Eduardo. There it is. James's name, email, phone number, last login date, account status, active versus inactive and activation and deactivation dates.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

The uni is telling all the beat the business.

[B]

I mean, they're really not. They got hacked. Some guy, somebody broke into their system.

[A]

He said they was tinkering around with the website, seeing what they could see. Now that sounds to me like they just saw what they could see. I don't know if they hacked it, but also I guess saying we was just on the website seeing what we could see is also a weird way to put it.

[B]

A weird way to put it. It's all I'm saying. I don't trust you. I don't trust anyone.

[A]

Just in the bank vault, seeing what we could see.

[B]

Seeing what we could see. That's. I. I'm going to get my stuff and go.

[A]

Right. So curious, right?

[B]

So, yeah.

[A]

So what do we find? His account isn't active. Oh, well, maybe it's just because he graduated, right? No, our other friends that graduated with a previous semester still had active accounts. So he's saying people who graduated a semester ago, their accounts are still popping. We look further and we see that his last login was August after our first year. And his account was deactivated around six months later. Wow. We double check this by looking at another friend's information. Who? One who transferred to another school after our first year. Same deal. The activation was six months after the last login. Well, it took literal years, but we finally have proof that James didn't actually go to classes. He lied to us for three years. He lived in our apartment rent free while saying that he was paying directly to housing. He pretended to go to classes and would come back an hour later. He talked about having to go to finals. He went to the library to study and well, he used to do those things. In retrospect, it was pretty clear that he got lazier and lazier about it over the years. By the end of the three point stretch of lying, it was very low effort. To this day, I'm pretty sure his.

[B]

I mean three and a half years of holding up a fucking con is hard. Okay?

[A]

Right.

[B]

I'm tired just thinking about it.

[A]

You like bitch, I gotta go to office hours. James, why are you in bed? The office hours are in my bed, bro. Like they just. He gonna send me a fax anyway. I'm going back to sleep. Go away.

[B]

James is like down to three, three credits a semester. He's like, that's all I can take.

[A]

He said in the first semester I took 40 credits. So now I'm just kind of Dilly Doppelin for the next three years.

[B]

Okay, Dilly Doppelin.

[A]

He said how many credits? Oh, it's 40. Too much to say. I took the first semester because what, we take 12 over time? Four. That what, 48. Okay, yeah, I took 24 credits the first year.

[B]

I'm concerned for you, buddy. Hey, buddy, get over here.

[A]

So they said, I'm pretty sure my family or his family still thinks that he graduated with a computer science degree, which honestly, like computer science. I think we debunked computer science as a degree a long time ago. What that mean?

[B]

Right?

[A]

You know how to do word, you know how to use Excel. What is computer science? I know if I'm, if I'm offended. You computer science people out there don't write in but do. But do tweet me and tell me what do do with your computer science degree. You could tweet Priscilla as well.

[B]

Please do.

[A]

But. But please don't write in. I don't want to know. So, yeah, clearly he was lying to everyone involved. Says, I guess we'll never find out why James decided to do what he did. I doubt he'll ever admit it to anyone. I'm still friends with him, talk to him regularly. And I have to say that outside of that one absolutely colossal, life altering lie, he's a pretty cool dude.

[B]

And there you got your answer. He was cool. That's what it was. But here's my question. So did you never actually ask him?

[A]

I don't think so.

[B]

I mean, I'm. I'm fucking done. What's this motherfucker's name again? Jolene.

[A]

No, this is. We actually, we never got names.

[B]

This is the brother.

[A]

The brother. Oh, and there's a nice note here. It says, P.S. thanks for being sure to include they them of the world. Yes, of course non binary icons stand up. But I just, I mean, if I have a close friend, I'm trying to think like if this were you and I had gathered all these clues and I was like, I don't think Priscilla went to college. Like would I, would I. I don't think I would confront you about that. I don't think I'd be like, hey sis, let's go to brunch.

[B]

So, so let me okay that in that scenario, yeah. If we didn't go to college together, yeah, who gives a shit? But if you and I were college fucking roommates. We share. We shared a two bedroom apartment with three people. That should have been your first fucking clue okay, but it's like if we, you know, it's like how you wouldn't bring it up to me. Come on, dawg. If we were college roommates share and

[A]

we still kicked it later, would you bring that up? Would you just be like, hey, I

[B]

would be like, hey, yo, so are

[A]

you pursuing higher education?

[B]

I mean, I guess, because he did, he did do a little like recognizance on him. So that. And that is a little messy to admit.

[A]

Hey, Priscilla, I'm doing a TikTok video and we all go put our diplomas in it. So just like, let me see that. And then. Yeah, we gonna, we're gonna do the Wap Dad. We're gonna do the. Whoa. We're gonna roll the dice. We're gonna do the Junebug, but with our diplomas. Yeah, the one from the uni. Yeah.

[B]

I mean he would have a great. He would be like, oh my God. I. I just threw up blood in the bathroom five minutes ago. I gotta go to the hospital.

[A]

When we talk about university stuff, I told you we were having a reunion last week and I asked if you got the email from the school and then you was like, excuse me, I gotta go to the bathroom and throw up blood. And I was like, what? You need to go to the doctor.

[B]

You said it. Like you announced it before it happened. How did you know it was coming? I, I just. First of all, this is a legit ass. This is like the legitious ass scam. I think one of the legitious ass scams we've had on this. I mean this whole. I mean, this is impressive as hell. I'm impressed that you. So, so basically you just moved out of your parents house for three and a half years and then move back.

[A]

Back aid. Or your parents are sending you money for tuition directly, so you're just using that money to live off of. I'm like, bro, at least get a job. In this time period, you had three up racks, you have free rent and you could probably scam free food. Cuz I bet James's ass was one of those swiping mofos. And you know, you know, if you went to college, you know, I'm talking about people who hang out next to the little cafeteria, the union or wherever and be like, oh, can you give me a swipe? Can you give me a swipe? Like, you don't go here. We know you don't go here.

[B]

Like, give me a swipe. Oh my God.

[A]

And I used to be giving out swipes too.

[B]

See My school didn't.

[A]

They had a good meal plan.

[B]

See, we didn't have the school. The food at my school is garbage. So, like, after the first year, we all went to the, like, cafes and shit. Like, we stopped with that cafeteria nonsense.

[A]

Oh, our cafeterias had, like, Chick fil a in them. They had like some real, like, just real brands. Taco Bell and stuff. But then it would also be like, the food. And the food was good, from what I remember. Also, I was in college. I don't really remember what I was eating.

[B]

I know the food was gross. Like, it was a thing where I went to school.

[A]

There were certain days where it was better. There was also certain times of the day if you went, like, at a 3 o', clock, like, that's not a meal time. So it wasn't, you know, you was about to have to have like a stale cookie or, you know, whatever soup had been percolating since morning, you know. But at times it would be litty, Liddy. So, you know, James, I really admire you because I wish that you would capitalize more. I wish you would have gotten a job so that you could have left fake college, you know, with savings, with a nest egg.

[B]

I'm like, why didn't you just take it up a notch and just sit in the back of every computer science class and get a free education? And get a free education so that you actually know how to whatever computer science people do, you know, like, yeah, the one. Yeah, let me get. Yeah, these were the notes. These are the notes I'd give you, James, as well, in case you want to revamp this for the future. Yeah, you definitely should have taken more advantage of that time and the fact that you were living for free for three and a half years, dog. Like, how he was talking about how all he really did was teach himself how to, like, edit photos and shit. Well, you better be a fucking photo edit. What do we call those people? No, there's a name. Graphic designer. Like, you better be a graphic designer now. You know what I mean? Like, I hope James is making a lot of money off of that graphic design that he learned.

[A]

Nah, nah. It's giving like Twitter, where you always see that meme. That's like, graphic design is my passion. And then you see the photo and it's like, ugly as hell. It's like all clip art.

[B]

Good job, James.

[A]

James. But you were an excellent scammer. I'm proud of you. Like, wow. Although I will say the brother, your brother. The person who wrote in your brother is playing because Three years sharing a room. Not sharing the rents of the room.

[B]

Oh yeah. I.

[A]

Because then the other person is living by themselves and just paying the same amount as you like. Are you playing? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[B]

But James is a cool dude.

[A]

He is. Shout out to James, we love you. You're an icon.

[B]

You are. You are definitely a confessions icon.

[A]

We stand. Let's go on down to door to door robbery. That'll close out this episode.

[B]

Door to door Robbery.

[A]

I'll give you a name. Let's go with Bobby Schmurda. Just cause, you know, about a week ago and Bobby's out of jail. Shout out to Bobby for being free.

[B]

Gang, gang. All right, so Bobby Schmurder says, a week ago I was eating lunch in my kitchen when I saw a man and a woman standing outside my front window staring at me. Oh my God, already we got problems.

[A]

Intriguing.

[B]

Okay, Were you on the first floor? Them first floor apartments, boy, I mean, motherfuckers will just look right in your. They will just. I used to when I first. And it wasn't even on the first floor when I moved in. You remember my old apartment? Yeah. Those fucking kids in that building, they used to like literally like come up to the door and like peek in. They would like, but like, you know, cover their, you know, their eyes so they could see through the glasses reflection. Like it was like, like no shame. No. I had to like at first I was like, uh huh.

[A]

They're so cute. Whatever. Moving on.

[B]

I had to eventually be like, yo, you guys know you're not supposed to just be looking in people's fucking houses, right? Like, what are you doing? But yeah, that's.

[A]

I miss that about being a kid where you could just have no shame. And what, what are people gonna say to you? Kids are just like tiny little drunk adults just doing whatever they want all the time. Unemployed, just living the life. Man. If I could go back, I would do it. I would do it, right?

[B]

I mean I.

[A]

If I. I'd be looking at everybody's windows. Everybody's. Everything will be my little peepee hole. Okay? I mean like, what y' all doing in there? I be asking questions. What y' all doing in there? What you smoking on, Miss Priscilla? What's that?

[B]

I'm like, close my door.

[A]

Close it.

[B]

Get the hell out of here, you little kids.

[A]

Who is that man? You don't live with no man, y' all.

[B]

Close my door. Close my door.

[A]

I would be the biggest Bebe's kid ever.

[B]

Oh, so bad. So these People are staring at me. They had clipboards and plastic name tags. So I figured they were about to knock on my door with a survey. I opened the door to talk. Wow. Are you white? This must be a white person, right?

[A]

Cause this is not a black people thing. Listen, we can't even call for help without worrying about being murdered. We damn sure ain't gonna open the door for strangers. Cause they got a clipboard. A clipboard.

[B]

Bitch.

[A]

Bitch. I would've locked my door tighter.

[B]

You know how many people with a clipboard done robbed me before? Come on, now.

[A]

Which is very hard to do. Cause you got one hand full.

[B]

Okay. You ever been hit over the head with a clipboard?

[A]

I have.

[B]

It hurts. I just. Yeah, this. I just. I. I need to know. Like, I just can't imagine being in my house, looking out my window, seeing fucking creeps looking at me through my window, and then be like, let me open the door.

[A]

You have to be like, what follows next? You turn the lights off and you

[B]

turn into motherfucking blinds.

[A]

You pretend you're not home and start

[B]

crawling and get on your hands and knees and start crawling. Okay. The fuck.

[A]

That's protocol. But I do want to say one last thing to the note of you saying, like, she must have lived on the first floor here. Them. Whoever this is. Because my mom always told me, like, when looking for apartments and stuff, she was like, you never live on the first floor. Never live on the first floor. Because the first floor, that's like, less work for robbers. They don't even got to take no stairs to get your shit. They can gank you real easy. They not going to break a sweat lifting your TV up out of your motherfucking apartment. Okay.

[B]

Okay. Don't let your window be cracked. I mean, that's literally just them sticking their hands in, right? Pulling it out.

[A]

You can never get no fresh air on the first floor. Okay. You got to keep them bitches shut. Okay.

[B]

You better get that dowel, that piece of wood for the window to hold it down.

[A]

Right?

[B]

How black people lock their sliding doors. Okay, so. But actually, everybody should do that. If you have a sliding. I actually need to do that for myself. Get a little.

[A]

Mmm. You got me thinking. But I tried to break into my apartment the other day, and it was really difficult. So I feel safer.

[B]

Okay. Okay. I just feel like I can see the future Barbara Walters. It's just, you know, I thought. Because I broke in my own apartment and it was hard, so I thought it. Anyway. Okay. So this. So I opened the door to Talk to them through my screen door. Okay. Hopefully that was locked, but that's not much of a, you know, separation, right?

[A]

A knife can get through a screen. Baby girl, easy, easy. Sorry. We're both black. We live very black lives. And everything that she's saying, honestly, in a Southern town or, you know, like a Midwest town, could be like, cute and normal, but we're like, no, bitch, they gonna hit you with the clipboard. Uh, how they gonna cut through the screen? Girl, being black is hard. We have to think about all of this.

[B]

What if they have a machete? You know what I'm saying?

[A]

And being a woman, it's a twofold. Being a black woman, it's like I'm always thinking about danger.

[B]

That's the other question. Maybe this is a, you know. Oh, no, no, no. It's a woman. I just looked at their name. Okay, so the man apologized for startling me, which he did. You think his next sentence began, your neighbors have been complaining about, uh. Oh, this took a turn.

[A]

What? Next door app.

[B]

Okay, I live in a pretty close knit neighborhood. My neighbors would complain to me if I did something wrong. What the fuck?

[A]

All right now, sis. Bobby shmurda, please tell me you're not one of them neighborhood watch ones. Because it's giving. When the blacks move in, we got to get on next door and let everybody. Y' all close knit. Close knit with your neighbors. You know what? No, I'm not gonna be that cynical. Cause you could just actually be close with your neighbors.

[B]

Don't be that cynical. Because you know what? Across the street from my building, which I'm looking at right now, everybody in that building, they're all fucking nice to each other. Like, I see them all like kiki and outside, and I'm like, oh, that's cute. Me, I run from my neighbors, right?

[A]

I take it back, Bobby. I just have no sense of community. I know my next door neighbors, and that's it.

[B]

I don't even know that. Okay?

[A]

I know Chanel. I know Chanel and them. And then it's one black lady who. It's one black man who we talk. Cause that's how I found out. People still in our packages. And this one black woman who just moved in, and she was like, you black and you live here? And I was like, yes. She was like, I'm Janelle. And I was like, hello, Janelle. And so I know Janelle.

[B]

Nice, nice. See, don't be so cynical.

[A]

Right?

[B]

So they say back to them. So your neighbors have been complaining about their utility prices being Too high. And now that's where the door slams, right?

[A]

They were all complaining together. They all just got together for bunko night and were like, you know what? We should talk about our utilities. Are y' alls high?

[B]

Okay. I'm here on behalf of your utility company to help you get a better price on your bills. I noticed the plastic badge he is wearing around his neck did not have the name of my utility company on it. It had some other company's name. But I couldn't get a cynical word in edgewise as the man was talking a mile a minute to prevent me from thinking too hard about his words.

[A]

Hey, Queen. Hey, Queen. Just want to let you know that your neighbors are real pissed off right now about your utility bills. They said the light's too high, the gas too high, the rent too high, everything too high. I'm just trying to get it down from y'.

[B]

All.

[A]

Yeah, I'm over here from Utilities Plus. That's what I say on my name tag. Look at it real quick. I put it behind my shoulder. Anyway, let me tell you, sis, how you can get some money. You gotta give me your credit card information right now. Qu.

[B]

Okay. Side effects may include death. Okay. So what I am liking here, though, with Bobby Shmurda is that she's breaking down like, she sees through the bullshit now. And I like this where she's like, yo, he's doing all this stuff. Cause he's trying to get me confused and, you know, fuck me over. So she says, he started asking me to get out my cell phone and log in to my account with my utility company. Oh, my God. And that's when I decided he needed to get off my po. That's when she decided, y'. All. Not when he was standing in her. In her window looking at her. Get dressed.

[A]

I take back all my cynicism, because Bobby Schmurder, you're right. We should be more community oriented. But when they. When the community hits you with that bullshit, you tell the community to get the fuck off your porch. And so I. I appreciate your optimism.

[B]

Good for her. So, yes, if he was really working for the utility company, he would have access to my accounts already. Yes, I interrupted him with a weak, no. No, thank you. I'm a short, quiet, white lady. How did we know? I'm a short, quiet, white lady, and I'm not very intimidating. So the man kept talking at me until my boyfriend, a tall white guy, came down the stairs to say firmly, we're not interested. Please go. He was listening upstairs. He was Pissed as hell.

[A]

He a tall white man, too. Ain't nothing more powerful on God's green earth than a tall white man, okay? They call him charismatic. And I don't know, nobody knows why. Cause usually they're not really charming, they're just tall. And don't let him have a full head of hair if he got a full head of hair. You can't stop that man. Okay, okay.

[B]

He was like, now wait a minute here, buddy. She said stop and get off the porch.

[A]

Enough with the malarkey, pal. The jig is up. Bingo.

[B]

Aunt Jemima's cupcakes if you don't go. The hell. So the people at my door were black, so I felt weird about the whole situation. Was I being racist? Were my instincts correct?

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

This just went.

[A]

Oh, Bobby Shmurder, Bobby Shmurda. Okay, I understand. Okay, so you definitely are not a Karen Bobby Shmurda. That's why you opened it up. He was like, look at these needy black folks out here. Let me see. Let me open the door and tell them they lives matter.

[B]

Do you just, like, drive down the street screaming out, your life matter, Your life matter?

[A]

Like, okay, sis, I feel you. You was trying to. Okay, I'm sorry.

[B]

Bobby Schmurda is what we call, like a good hearted liberal. They be fucking up, but she's coming from a good place. I get, I get. And honestly, I would rather a Bobby Schmurdter who even has these thoughts than Bobby Shmurder's cousin, you know, who is just like, racism is over.

[A]

Right, right. I like that you thought about the optics of telling these two Negroes, get off your porch. Cause, you know, at the next community neighborhood meeting, they might be like, hey, Bobby Shmurda, we saw you kicking black people off your porch. Like, what?

[B]

No, no, I just asked them to leave nicely.

[A]

No, I heard you say, and never come back.

[B]

No, that was Jim. You know, he's from the South.

[A]

Of course. Leaving a tall white man, he gonna tell them Negroes to get off his porch. He was like, I don't even want you in the country, let alone on my porch.

[B]

Get the hell out of here. She says, was I being racist? Were my instincts correct? Were my instincts? No, you weren't being no girl.

[A]

It's okay. Black people can be scammers. We can, you know, we're not all angels because the police is murdering us. That's not it. That's not what we ever said. We were just like, it would be cool if, like, they said, stopped, you know, in general. So and for white people too. I saw a post, I'm not gonna get into this too much, but someone was posting the statistics of. I think it was like, Ohio and like the police murders that had happened and like 50% more of them were white people. And someone posted it like, why are y' all saying there's a police problem with 102 people have been murdered that were white by the police, and 50 something have been murdered that were black by the police. And one person was like, one, the black people are 22% of the population. They should not be a third of the murders. And two, are you just saying it's cool that white get murdered by the police? Because I don't know if you noticed, but we were saying the police should just stop murdering people in general. It wasn't ever really like, just, hey, stop murdering black. Yeah, black people are the priority. That's what we're thinking about. Cause we're at the top. But we were never like, just stop murdering us and nobody else.

[B]

Well, I. Never mind.

[A]

So, like, it's okay. It's okay. I appreciate that you are conscientious.

[B]

And there it is. And you know, it's all about doing better. No one is saying you're supposed to be perfect. You can be. We've all been brainwashed and conditioned by this system. So you grew up in a white supremacist patriarchy. You're gonna have white supremacist patriarchy biases.

[A]

I do. Okay?

[B]

We all do.

[A]

You know how many times I used to read black names?

[B]

The fact that, like, black people and black and brown people, period, like, have internalized racism, that should tell you that it's okay for you to be racist, Jan. It is, because we've internalized it. If we're struggling with it and we have, you know, all the reasons we. Examples of why we shouldn't be struggling with it, then how are you, who grew up in a lily white world gonna tell me you don't have a racist bone in your body?

[A]

Right? And then what are these racist bones? You know, are they strong? Do like, they are strong. How much calcium do they have? Because, like, maybe I should get more so I don't have to worry about a break. But yeah, we're all entraining our minds from the fucked up shit we've been taught since, you know, childhood and education in America. So it's okay to have these thoughts and.

[B]

But it's.

[A]

But it's the conscious reprogramming that is good. So I'm glad you thought about like, ooh, if I kick these two Negroes off my porch, we're trying to scam me. Is that racist? And, like, no, sis, it's not. But I appreciate you giving it a second thought.

[B]

Also, I love that she. Okay, this is where you did mess up, though. She was like, let me ask these two black girls that I know on this podcast.

[A]

My two black friends, y', all, if you are white and I am your black friend, that you count. When you talk about your black friends, I. I'm need you to do a little better than that. Okay. Because I can't. I can't hear what you saying. We not having a full conversation, sis. No. I have two black friends. They're on Confessions. Priscilla Lacey.

[B]

We have never met Bobby Shmurda, but Bobby Shmurda. I still fuck with you.

[A]

I fuck with you. Let's. Let's see what you got to say at the end here.

[B]

Yeah, let's see. So she tells us how this scam works. Okay. So the door to door people with plastic badges are working for competing utility company trying to get into our market. Oh, so they're actually legit. Instead of giving people a discount on utilities, they make people pay higher rates. That's why they have to get people to log into their utility accounts so that they can sign up for the service for service with the competing company. So they trying to. They're trying to poach other people's business.

[A]

Right. But charge them more.

[B]

But charge them more. But, like, they weren't just, like, rando scammers. Like, they were. They're. They were just trying to scam you into their product.

[A]

Yeah. This is what we call a scam approved by the Better Business Bureau.

[B]

Amen.

[A]

Yeah, still. Still a scam, but, you know, they got a little more paperwork, harder to get in contact with by the government, you know, less likely to get arrested. Still a grift.

[B]

Yes. Yes. I don't like people showing up at my door, so I hate this scam. I'm done, bro.

[A]

I've been having so many couriers drop shit off just for, like, press or for, like, you know, we got microphones, all types of stuff that's happening. And it terrifies me every time someone knocks on my door because I'm like, did you see me turn five seconds

[B]

ago, someone just knocked on my door. Did you see me do that? Oh, my God, no.

[A]

Did you order Postmates or something?

[B]

Get your kitchen knife out. It's one of my million Amazon packages.

[A]

But I'm like. I'll be like, let me get my kitchen knife. I look through my peephole, but I'm like, what if they like try to get me through the peephole? Like, you know, like I, that's where my brain is at. It's. I've, I've. It's too dark.

[B]

How hard it would be to shoot through a peephole. First of all, people use that like, people use that wide angle glass. So, so you're not, you can be like, wait, where? I can't. I can't see shit.

[A]

I don't know. I don't know what they trying to do on the other side of the door. That's the point of the door.

[B]

I don't know what ain't none of my business over there.

[A]

Okay? So I absolutely like, I do that, love that about an apartment building is nobody is ever going to come up with to my door unannounced. That I don't know is at least somehow legitimate. But even them I be looking out and I'd be like, who is it? I try to put on my deep voice. I get my app out, you know, sorry, that's my rottweiler. He hungry for blood.

[B]

Girl, you know, I have my, my, my doormat, the dog doormat. Even though I don't have a dog.

[A]

Beware of dog that you.

[B]

I don't even have a dog. It was from the previous people who lived here. And I was like, I mean, this is a tool.

[A]

You're like, this is an excellent idea. I'm actually gonna leave this. Beware of dog.

[B]

Every time my friends show up for the first and even like second and third times, they'll literally be like, I couldn't tell if this was your apartment. Cause I know you don't have a dog, but it took you like three times to get it.

[A]

I did that. And I was like, priscilla, I still don't get like, you don't have a dog.

[B]

I'm like, but I got safety though. But I got safety.

[A]

Okay, that you do. All right, guys. Well that's gonna conclude another episode of Confessions. As always, if you wanna snitch on your right in for your brother. Okay, scam got his podmail.com if you want to find me D I V A L A C I D valacy on all platforms. Please tweet me and tell me what computer science degrees do. And guys, watch the Black lady sketch show. It's on HBO and HBO Max. And I'm in it. And yeah, Priscilla.

[B]

Yeah. And you can, you can, you know, hang out with me sometimes too on Instagram @priscilladavies actor and on Twitter. And TikTok Desert, like Queen of the Desert.

[A]

That's Q O t Desert. This is my running bit with Priscilla, where I will constantly repeat her Twitter name. It's Q o T Desert.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Congregation keep confessing.