Fraud Friday: The Geriatric Gem Heist w/ Brian Simpson

Summary

Scam Goddess Podcast Summary: Fraud Friday – The Geriatric Gem Heist w/ Brian Simpson

Podcast Information:

• Title: Scam Goddess
• Host: Laci Mosley (AKA Scam Goddess)
• Guest: Brian Simpson
• Episode: Fraud Friday: The Geriatric Gem Heist
• Release Date: February 28, 2025
• Description: An award-winning comedy podcast focusing on fraud and scams, blending humor with true crime elements. This episode features comedian Brian Simpson discussing historical and contemporary scams, with engaging segments and insightful banter.

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Introduction and Episode Overview

In this Fraud Friday episode, Laci Mosley re-releases a classic episode from the Scam Goddess vault, featuring comedian Brian Simpson. The episode blends comedic insights with detailed discussions of notable scams, offering both entertainment and informative content for listeners.

Notable Quotes:

• Laci Mosley [14:29]: "What's hot and fried? This is where we warn our listeners about scams that are popping in the streets..."
• Brian Simpson [01:49]: "We're back, guys, with another installment of Scam Goddess. I'm so... What? Yes. Excited."

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Segment 1: Host and Guest Banter

Laci and Brian kick off the episode with casual conversation about Brian's comedy career, including his recognition at the Just for Laughs Comedy Festival and his Netflix stand-up special. They share anecdotes about performing remotely during challenging times and navigating the comedy landscape.

Notable Quotes:

• Brian Simpson [02:39]: "I'm very excited for today's guest. We have a comedy king on today..."
• Unknown Guest [03:19]: "Right. That's what happens when you have people write their own interviews."

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Segment 2: What's Hot and Fried – Listener Scam Story

In the "What's Hot and Fried" segment, they delve into a listener-submitted scam story from 'Charles.' The scam involves strippers at a high-end club using an advanced lap dance vending machine to launder money from drug transactions. The sophisticated setup allowed strippers to manipulate clients discreetly, turning a dancing service into a front for illicit activities.

Notable Quotes:

• Laci Mosley [14:29]: "What's hot and fried? This is where we warn our listeners about scams..."
• Charles [14:49]: "We worked together as strippers many years ago and one time we traveled out of state to work in a large upscale club..."

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Segment 3: Historic Hoodwinks – The Hatton Garden Heist

"Historic Hoodwinks" explores the infamous Hatton Garden heist of April 2015, orchestrated by the group known as "Dad's Army." The detailed breakdown covers the planning, execution, and eventual downfall of the heist, highlighting the criminals' backgrounds, their methods, and the legal repercussions they faced.

Key Points:

• Planning: The heist was meticulously planned over three years with weekly meetings and insider knowledge.
• Execution: The team executed two attempts, successfully stealing approximately £14 million in valuables during the second attempt.
• Capture: Surveillance footage and planted bugs led to their arrest, resulting in significant prison sentences for the members.

Notable Quotes:

• Laci Mosley [35:24]: "Planning for the heist began with four men meeting over some p. At the pub in Isling every Friday night for three years."
• Brian Simpson [37:07]: "They were like, look, Frank doesn't know what day it is, but he's very good with a gun."

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Segment 4: Scammer of the Week – KFC’s Christmas Tradition in Japan

In "Scammer of the Week," Laci narrates how KFC became a Christmas staple in Japan through a clever marketing strategy. Takashi Okara, a struggling KFC manager, capitalized on a Christmas party request by serving fried chicken, leading to the now-popular tradition of "Kentucky for Christmas." This segment highlights the blend of cultural adaptation and strategic promotion that solidified KFC's place in Japanese holiday celebrations.

Notable Quotes:

• Laci Mosley [57:00]: "When the first KFC opened in Japan in 1970, the store manager, Takashi Okara, struggled to make money."
• Brian Simpson [59:33]: "It's chicken cream. And then it solidifies into a nugget."

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Segment 5: Additional Banter and Closing Remarks

Throughout the episode, Laci and Brian engage in humorous exchanges about various topics, including experiences at strip clubs, misadventures from their past, and light-hearted critiques of marketing strategies. They wrap up the episode by celebrating Brian's comedic achievements and encouraging listeners to stay aware of scams while enjoying the lighter side of fraud.

Notable Quotes:

• Brian Simpson [56:07]: "They didn't snitch on their friends or on their family, for sure. But it's just like, if I'm doing all this for a robbery, I need to be able to enjoy the money."
• Laci Mosley [62:58]: "Stay scheming."

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Conclusion

This episode of Scam Goddess effectively combines humor with insightful discussions on both historic and contemporary scams. Through entertaining banter and detailed analysis, Laci Mosley and Brian Simpson provide listeners with a comprehensive look into the world of fraud, making complex schemes accessible and engaging. Whether you're a long-time fan or a new listener, this Fraud Friday episode offers valuable lessons wrapped in laughter.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Laci Mosley [14:29]: "What's hot and fried? This is where we warn our listeners about scams that are popping in the streets..."
• Brian Simpson [14:49]: "We worked together as strippers many years ago and one time we traveled out of state to work in a large upscale club..."
• Brian Simpson [37:07]: "They were like, look, Frank doesn't know what day it is, but he's very good with a gun."
• Laci Mosley [57:00]: "When the first KFC opened in Japan in 1970, the store manager, Takashi Okara, struggled to make money."
• Brian Simpson [59:33]: "It's chicken cream. And then it solidifies into a nugget."
• Laci Mosley [62:58]: "Stay scheming."

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Production Credits:

• Produced by: Judith Cargbo
• Engineered by: Marina Paiz
• Research by: Kalen Brandt
• Association: Earwolf & Team Coco

Stay Connected:

• Email: [e-mail]
• Social Media: Follow Laci Mosley and Brian Simpson on their respective platforms for updates and more scam insights.

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Disclaimer: This summary aims to provide an accurate and comprehensive overview of the episode's content while adhering to the user's request to exclude advertisements and non-content sections. All quotes are attributed with timestamps for reference.

Transcript

[Lacey Mosley]

I was trapped in the cult. A new true crime docuseries.

[Brian Simpson]

Everything inside of me was screaming. Just go.

[Lacey Mosley]

Ten cults.

[Brian Simpson]

He claimed he heard the voice of God.

[Lacey Mosley]

Ten stories of escape.

[Unknown Guest]

It was an emotional battle. We were brainwashed.

[Lacey Mosley]

My sister and I got on the snow machine and I'm like, there's no way out. And if I got caught, he would for sure kill me. How I escaped my cult. All episodes now streaming on Hulu.

[Brian Simpson]

All set for your flight? Yep. I've got everything I need. Eye mask, neck pillow, T mobile. Headphones. Wait. T mobile? You bet. Free in flight. Wi Fi 15 off all Hilton brands. I never go anywhere without T mobile. Same goes from a water bottle, chewing gum, nail clippers. I'm gonna leave you to it.

[Unknown Guest]

Find out how you can experience travel better@t mobile.com Travel qualifying plan required.

[Brian Simpson]

Wi Fi were available on select US airlines. Deposit and Hilton honors membership required for 15. Discount terms and conditions apply. What's poppin, Congregation? It's your girl, Lacey Mosley, AKA Scam Goddess. Welcome to an episode of Fraud Fridays where we release older episodes from the Scam Goddess vault. That's right. Fraud Fridays is where we bring back your favorite episodes from behind the Paywall. Enjoy this episode from behind the Paywall. And as always, stay scheming. Scams. Cause Robbery and fraud. Scam ca. Robbery and fraud. Scam Goddess. What's poppin, Congregation? It's your girl, Lacey Mosley, AKA Scam Goddess. And we're back.

[Unknown Guest]

And back.

[Brian Simpson]

We're back, guys, with another installment of Scam Goddess. I'm so. What? Yes. Excited. You guys know. Y'all know me. Y'all know my heart. I'm very excited for today's guest. I truly am. We have. Guys, we have a king on today, A comedy king. Today we have an amazing comic. He named a new face in 2021 at the prestigious just for last comedy festival. And he's on the vultures list of comedians you should know in 2021. And I'm also on that list. Check out his hilarious stand up. I had to. I had to. Brian, check out his hilarious stand up special on Netflix Season 3 of the Standups out. Right, Neil. And guys, I have watched this episode of the Standups. It is freaking hilarious. Get into it. Like, get your last. Get your drugs, get your money's worth before Netflix runs that checkup. Okay? Congregation, please. Wel Brian Simpson to the show. Hi, Brian.

[Unknown Guest]

Hey, how are you? I didn't know we were. I didn't know we were list buddies.

[Brian Simpson]

Yes, we are.

[Unknown Guest]

It should Be called the list of comics. You should have been had known.

[Brian Simpson]

Right. That's really what it is. Like, you should have been had known. Yes. Wait, now I gotta look back at the photo and find your face. Cause it's like they put us all in this, like, amorphous blob.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, right, right. And then they dropped the, like, four articles a day. Separate things. Yeah.

[Brian Simpson]

Which is interesting because you could tell some people who were on the list. Like, they were like, okay, we've seen these people's work, like yours, like, your article. But then there were some people on that list where they were like, yeah, this person is on Twitter a lot. And I was.

[Unknown Guest]

Right. Right. That's what happens when you have people write their own interviews.

[Brian Simpson]

I mean, it was 2021. Like, I had to take my photos, like, outside of work in wardrobe. I was like, y'all be my face and do my hair real quick. And then let's go outside and I'm gonna take a picture in front of the Quixote. What am I doing?

[Unknown Guest]

Like, it needs to appear natural, you know, very chill.

[Brian Simpson]

Very, like. Yeah. That was the biggest bummer about 2021, was all the great stuff that happened that couldn't be in person. And then you just end up having to do it yourself. Like, you've been doing press for your standup show. Right, Right.

[Unknown Guest]

And it's all zoom. I think maybe two things have been in person. But I don't like people, so I like. Like, I got just for laughs. And they were like, oh, but it's a bummer. You can't go to Canada. I was like, I don't want to go to Canada. This is the best just for laughs I could have possibly gotten.

[Brian Simpson]

Canada's, like, now why am I in it? Okay, they got maple, they got saps and whatnot up there.

[Unknown Guest]

Drake. It ain't nothing up there that ain't here. Except Drake.

[Brian Simpson]

I once went to Canada and we broke into the Caribana Festival because I didn't know you had to be a part of the festival to be a part of it. And by that, I mean, you know, they have entry places and, like, people who are on floats and stuff. We thought you just showed up and then you was just in the carnival. So we climbed some fences and went.

[Unknown Guest]

Now, is that when the scam goddess was born?

[Brian Simpson]

Oh, no, she was born long before then. But I just love.

[Unknown Guest]

I love the concept of a whole podcast about getting over.

[Brian Simpson]

Yes. As we all should be. Okay, getting over and getting under. Now, Brian, I have to ask you what's your relationship with skims? You like them, you hate them. Have you ever been scammed? Do you do any scams that you could talk about?

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, yeah, of course. My relationship with scams is simple. It depends on who's getting scammed and why.

[Brian Simpson]

Okay.

[Unknown Guest]

You know, because I'm a big fan of comeuppance. You know, I'm a big fan of people getting what they deserve. So it's like, yeah, like I'm on some count of Monte Cristo shit. Like if you, if you. If it's a long, long plot out revenge and they deserve it, or they've been screwing people over and you getting over, I'm for it. I'm all for helping you do it. All of that.

[Brian Simpson]

All for participating. Drawing up the maps.

[Unknown Guest]

Yep.

[Brian Simpson]

What would be your special skill if you were like in the ocean's 11 situation? Like, who would you be?

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, man, I would be the getaway driver.

[Brian Simpson]

Okay, so you're a good driver.

[Unknown Guest]

No.

[Brian Simpson]

Okay, but I'm.

[Unknown Guest]

But I'm. I'm on time and I'm reliable.

[Brian Simpson]

Okay, Come on. Punctual. That is not me. You're right. That's a good point. Nobody ever talks about that. When you talk about getaway driver, it's always about skill. But nobody's ever like, we gotta wait for Craig. He not here yet. He said he in traffic. Ain't nobody trying to be waiting outside the bank with the black with the bags of money, like, damn, where is Greg?

[Unknown Guest]

Cause I definitely can't be the guy that's like, has to like, do something acrobatic. Gotta climb, you know, they gotta like stop before he touched the floor and all. I can't do all of it.

[Brian Simpson]

Oh, okay. Like the laser work. You ain't climbing through the lasers.

[Unknown Guest]

Nah, I can't do it. My stomach will set it off immediately.

[Brian Simpson]

Okay, fair enough. Fair enough. You are the on time driver. I was gonna say maybe I could be a getaway driver, but you're right. Punctuality is a part of that. And that's something. That's not my spirit. And I'm tired of being shamed for it. It's a real condition, being tardy, and I think we all need to take it a little more seriously.

[Unknown Guest]

So you know what the secret is? What is it for me anyway? Because I used to have a real problem with it, is I just plan. Because a lot of people, they mess up and they set their clocks early. But no, you should plan on being early. So whenever somebody tell me what time something is, I Plan on being there 15 minutes early.

[Brian Simpson]

Oh, my.

[Unknown Guest]

So that way, if something go wrong, I'm still on time.

[Brian Simpson]

15 minutes?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, I mean, I just. Cause I, you know, I bring a book, I chill.

[Brian Simpson]

You bring a book. Oh, my God. You live in different.

[Unknown Guest]

I don't be doing nothing at home except, like, when I'm running late, I don't be doing nothing at home except waiting till I gotta leave the house at the last minute.

[Brian Simpson]

Okay, see, that's true. That's true.

[Unknown Guest]

I rather just be there early and just do some activity.

[Brian Simpson]

That's probably really wise. I should probably start doing that. I bet you have, like, way more love frantic energy. I don't know why, but I'm just like. And every time I do it, I'm mad at myself. Like, I'm in the car, speed racing, trying to get to the place, and I'm like, why did I do this? I. I just sat on my couch like I was. I was ready. And then I just found a reason to be late. I don't know. I don't. It's just.

[Unknown Guest]

You know what? You know what? I started because I lost my license. I lost my license speeding to a show that was only paying me 25.

[Brian Simpson]

Oh, no.

[Unknown Guest]

You know what I'm saying? And the ticket. The ticket was $800. Like, all the violations was 800, and the show only paid me 25. And I was like, oh, nah, from now on, I'm only. I'm only in a hurry for the money, right?

[Brian Simpson]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. That's not a good deal. You had. Did you go to the show after and, like, rob everybody to make up a difference?

[Unknown Guest]

No, you know what? You know, you know what else? They ain't even, because I was late to the show that I didn't even get a spot. I didn't even get to do my spot. This is when I first started comedy. But that from that moment on, I was like, if I leave the house, like, say I have something go wrong and I leave the house and I'm gonna be late and I'm going somewhere where I ain't getting paid that much money. I'm just late.

[Brian Simpson]

I love that for you. They're lucky you showed up. You know what I mean?

[Unknown Guest]

Right, right. But she was like, you not paying me enough to risk getting the ticket.

[Brian Simpson]

No, I truly don't know if anybody's ever paid me enough to risk getting a ticket. I have gotten too many tickets. I gave the LA dot like, 12 Gucci bags at least.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, you're LA. Base?

[Brian Simpson]

Yes, I'm in Los Angeles. Where you at?

[Unknown Guest]

But you was in New York.

[Brian Simpson]

No, but thank you.

[Unknown Guest]

No, I'm in la. I'm in LA though.

[Brian Simpson]

Oh, okay. Bit. Bit you at? I'm gonna look out my window.

[Unknown Guest]

No, I'm in the poor part of town.

[Brian Simpson]

Not the poor part of town. I mean that's most of la. It's like it's a mansion and then your unhoused neighbor right next door. It's a hot mess out here.

[Unknown Guest]

You know what's so funny is you could. Everybody that's poor in LA could be middle class somewhere else.

[Brian Simpson]

Oh my God, we could be so middle class. Are you kidding me? I think about Nebraska. Like I know some people watch porn to get off, but I'll get on Zillow in middle America and I'm just like, oh, three bedroom every day, Spanish style. Oh, how much?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, they'd be like, oh, $500 a month for a four bedroom house.

[Brian Simpson]

Right. With a pool. What? Meanwhile out here I was, I had looked at homes for a second in Los Angeles. I'm going to go back. I don't know why, it's a huge scam, but they got shacks out here. I'm talking about like we used to call them like, what is it called? Like gunshot houses. Like shotgun houses. And what a shotgun houses. If you've never heard that in the south it was like if you shoot a bullet and shoot straight from the front door to the back door, that's a shotgun house. But yeah, like those kind of houses out here in LA will be millions of dollars and it'll be on Zillow, like hot home. Like there's 21 people bidding and then.

[Unknown Guest]

They'Ll be filled up by trendy white people. That's like, wow, this is different, right?

[Brian Simpson]

Oh my goodness, we down bad in Los Angeles. It's real bad. Don't move here. We full. The traffic is bad enough. Okay, stay where you at. Enjoy having somewhat cheap rent or mortgages.

[Unknown Guest]

If you're not, if you're not trying to be in show business, it ain't no reason to live here, truly.

[Brian Simpson]

And then after a while, if you get lucky and you strike it big, you can move away. Especially during the pandemic. We just mailing in these tapes anyway. You don't have to live here.

[Unknown Guest]

And that's what they do. Most of the rich people don't live here no more.

[Brian Simpson]

They smart.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. If you're just looking for paradise. See people that have never been to California, San Diego is what you think LA is true. You know, it's palm trees. It's slow pace. There's weed everywhere.

[Brian Simpson]

Weed everywhere. Grows like grass. Yes. And LA is dirty and. Oh, goodness. It's. It's hard to look at, but I love it here. I'm here. I'm a stay. Where are you from originally, Ryan?

[Unknown Guest]

I'm originally from PT County, Maryland.

[Brian Simpson]

Oh, okay. You from Maryland. Okay. So you begin Mumbo Sauce at the carry out.

[Unknown Guest]

You damn right I missed them. You know, Mumbo sauce is in. They sell it in the store now. What? Like, there's, like, brand names, competing brands of Mumbo Sauce.

[Brian Simpson]

That's wild. That's actually really.

[Unknown Guest]

I remember just hoping it was safe. Now it's. Now you can buy it in the store.

[Brian Simpson]

I remember hoping it was safe. The good old days when they were stirring it up in the back.

[Unknown Guest]

Right. And they would talk. They would. They were speaking in Cantonese and like, you ain't know what. Did I just piss her off or.

[Brian Simpson]

Right. That's the same as, like, going to the jerk chicken place at a Jamaican spot where they always mad at you when you come to order. That's. That's truly the scam. I want to run a business where my product is so good that I can be rude to all my customers and they'll still come back.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, yeah. You ever been to Dick's Last Resort? That was their whole theme.

[Brian Simpson]

Oh, right. Is they were mean to people and it was, like, cute.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. But they went out of business. Did they have one in la?

[Brian Simpson]

They did. I'm pretty sure they did. It was downtown.

[Unknown Guest]

They be going out of business because I think people like it as a novelty. But ain't nobody trying to go back.

[Brian Simpson]

They can't get repeat customers. That's true. That's true. I would probably go once and let people cuss me out, but after that, I wouldn't be like, let's go to that place where they cuss you out.

[Unknown Guest]

I think y'all switch it up and have to have the cuss out. Like, maybe one day a week.

[Brian Simpson]

Yeah. Like, if you really want that, you go on a Thursday and they'll drag you. But every other day, it's like normal service.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. There's one day for masochists, and the rest of the week's for regular folks.

[Brian Simpson]

I love that. I love that somebody's kink is being.

[Unknown Guest]

Being treated poorly at a restaurant Right over chicken wings.

[Brian Simpson]

Right. But to get cussed out between apps. Love that.

[Lacey Mosley]

For them scams, the highest achievers among us are the people. Still striving still reaching for something. The people who aren't satisfied to stay where they are and want to keep climbing higher. And it's those people who approach the impossible and embrace it. There's a vehicle for people like that. It's called the Defender. The Defender is an icon reimagined for a new generation of explorers through thoroughly modern design. Its interior is modern and functional with rich material, finishes and quality craftsmanship. When you're in a Defender, you can tell the interior is built for purpose. Luxury appointments throughout and practical storage options ensure you adventure in comfort. This is a vehicle capable of great things and engineered to meet challenges head on wherever you're headed. Experience the Defender's legendary capability both off road and on. And there's a family of vehicles for Defender. Meet the Defender 90, Defender 110 and the 8 seat Defender 130. Are you ready to embrace the impossible? Explore the defender@land roverusa.com I was trapped in the cult, a new true crime docu series.

[Brian Simpson]

Everything inside of me was screaming, just go 10 cults. He claimed he heard the voice of God.

[Lacey Mosley]

10 stories of escape.

[Unknown Guest]

It was an emotional battle. We were brainwashed.

[Lacey Mosley]

My sister and I got on the snow machine and I'm like, there's no way out. And if I got caught, he would for sure kill me. How I escaped my cult. All episodes now streaming on Hulu.

[Brian Simpson]

All right, guys, let's get into our first segment here. What's hot and fried? This is where we warn our listeners about scams that are popping in the streets or more often than not these days. Y'all know we get a listener letter. As always, snitch on your friends and [e-mail] just make sure the scam is retired because we don't want to. What? Yes, Fuck up your bag, Brian. I need a fake name for this person. We don't care about gender. It could be any name.

[Unknown Guest]

Charles.

[Brian Simpson]

Charles. Oh, that's classy. Okay, Charles. I feel like Charles owns at least three suits and he doesn't need to wear them to court. You know, that's good for Charles. So Charles says, I have a story that I've wanted to tell you since I first heard of your show. Oh, okay. Cool, cool, cool. This is a one time scam of convenience my friend pulled, but I witnessed. Okay, so you snitching on your friends, we love that for you and your friend. So it says. We worked together as strippers many years ago and one time we traveled out of state to work in a large upscale Club on the other side of the country. Okay, fancy. So y'all did a little zola. Y'all, like, got in the whip and went to strip on location.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. Wow. Okay.

[Brian Simpson]

I love when strippers go strip on location. I feel like that happens. Like, All Star Weekend is a big, like, you know, all the strippers will congregate. Is it in Cleveland in 2022? Yeah, I have no idea.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, I have no idea.

[Brian Simpson]

Which is like, I've been to Cleveland. There's literally nothing there. So it's like, all of the Ratchet community is going to, like, assimilate. Assimilate? Is that a word? That's not a word.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, but it's like, yeah, All Star Weekend. That's like the finals for strippers, right?

[Brian Simpson]

Like, yes, it's their NBA Finals. And I'm not calling them the Ratchet community. I mean, the people who are going to Cleveland simply for the All Star Game, but they're all gonna go there. This is gonna be their All Star game. You know, money, guns, money flying everywhere. I remember one All Star year, I think Cardi B threw a party with, like, the Migos and other people. And the strippers were upset because they didn't make as much money as they were supposed to. Cause there was, like, too many of them. Oh, yeah. And they said people was picking up the money off the floor, which is a big. No, no, that's foul. That's foul. And also, a lot of times, if you're stripping in a club, like, you'll pay in, like, for those events. You'll pay in, like, a fee to come work that night, which I think is wild. And then after that, you make your money based off of tips. But I'm like, I don't like that I shouldn't have to pay to come.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, that's wild. That's why. See, I ain't know. I don't know. You got a lot of stripper friends.

[Brian Simpson]

Do I?

[Unknown Guest]

Or you teach a stripper class or something?

[Brian Simpson]

I teach a pole class. Oh, no. I wish. I wish I had the upper body strength for pole. I've taken a few pole classes because that shit looked cute on Instagram. And then I was like, ow, ow. Like, nobody would want me on the pole. I'd be too loud. I'd be like, ow. Ooh. Is this working? Ow.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. I mean, even if you figure it out, it's like, it's gonna be sexy for, like, six months. And you're gonna fuck up your shoulders.

[Brian Simpson]

Not your shoulders. Yeah, no. Nobody would want me. I Would be the stripper limping around complaining. Like, if they had a dick's resort for strippers, where I could just go and be like, oh, my fear. Like, I think I could do that.

[Unknown Guest]

I want to open up a strip club for just low effort strippers.

[Brian Simpson]

Yes.

[Unknown Guest]

You ain't really got to do that much if you can wiggle a couple muscles. That's all we need up in here.

[Brian Simpson]

I could work there. I would walk around. We don't even need a stage. I'll walk around the tables like, hey, y'all, how y'all doing? Yeah, I'll throw it in a circle. I don't throw the ass in a complete circle. We. We mostly do half moons.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, that's all we need. If we can get 40 degrees out of you, baby, you can stay on staff.

[Brian Simpson]

40 degrees? Yes. So they go to the fancy strip club to make a coin. So 1. The club had a weirdly advanced system for buying lap dances. You fed money into a little machine on a small display. You added the time for the dance, and then it started counting down. The machine would keep track of how much we made and took out the club's cut. And at the end of the shift, we'd get paid for the dances we'd done. I chose this letter because that was the wildest thing I've ever heard.

[Unknown Guest]

Like, high tech lap dances. Wow.

[Brian Simpson]

Like, I don't know if I want a vending machine lap dance. I thought the whole point was like, you know, I give the money, I throw the money. It's a part of the theatrics. Like, now we just put the, like, man C4.

[Unknown Guest]

I just imagine a stripper getting stuck in the. In the. In the apparatus. You sitting there beating on the machine.

[Brian Simpson]

I didn't get my life that you gotta shake the machine, not. The strippers are inside the Mach, right?

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, that's so funny.

[Brian Simpson]

Oh, well, she got. She got stuck in that little thing. You gotta stick a hand up underneath.

[Unknown Guest]

For real. And the bouncer standing over your shoulder, making sure you don't touch nothing.

[Brian Simpson]

Right. I just think that's wild. I don't know. Something about a vending machine for a lap dash just feels very impersonal. Like, I thought it was all about, you know, throwing the money, putting the money in the G string.

[Unknown Guest]

And now not just that, but it's like, I always like. Cause even though it's like, I know the stripper don't like me. You know what I mean? But I still like that. I still like the illusion. Because the good strip Clubs, you kind of felt like they kind of chose you a little bit. And it's like now, yeah, they chose me. Cause I look like a simp. That's gonna give them a lot of money. But still I want the illusion of being desirable a little bit. I don't wanna order a stripper.

[Brian Simpson]

And I mean, I guess it's like they still do the whole illusion, but then when you get into the room, they're like, okay, give us the cash. And they're like.

[Unknown Guest]

I imagine like, this is making me think of like a strip club, but with the Domino's Tracker it was like, yeah, your stripper's arriving at the club. Okay. She's getting dressed in the back.

[Brian Simpson]

Right. She's putting on lotion.

[Unknown Guest]

Right, right. What scent? I mean, you know what, you could probably, you could probably do something with that though.

[Brian Simpson]

I just feel like that's too impersonal. I feel like, you know, I thought the stripping was more of a, you know, interpersonal, like you said, like a relationship based service.

[Unknown Guest]

So like a single serving relationship. It's like you just, just real quick. A little bit of fake love. Realistic.

[Brian Simpson]

A little bit of fake love.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, fake love. Real touching. That's what I want.

[Brian Simpson]

It sounds like a Drake song and I love it. So too many people, sometimes correctly and sometimes incorrectly, assume that strippers know where to find cocaine. Okay, we've made a departure. We went from the video the machine to cocaine.

[Unknown Guest]

They do the same thing to black people.

[Brian Simpson]

Explain that.

[Unknown Guest]

If I'm ever in a situation where I'm the only black dude, which is a lot in Los Angeles, people just assume I know where drugs are.

[Brian Simpson]

Really? See, I would never.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, never heroin. But weed and cocaine, always.

[Brian Simpson]

Yeah, okay, I wouldn't expect heroin, but I also wouldn't expect cocaine. Cause like, cocaine is not something that the black. I know black people do cocaine, but it's not something that we talk about. Like, Right, right, Naturally. Like, white people would be like, yeah, where's you party? Where's the blah?

[Unknown Guest]

But like, but I think they assume, like, if you the only black dude in this room, that that is what means you have cocaine. Because what else are you doing here?

[Brian Simpson]

Good point, solid point, solid point. If you are the only black person in this room, you must be a cocaine salesman because what else would you be doing here? Fair. I'm on their side, Brian. I'm on theirs.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm never, I'm never mad.

[Brian Simpson]

At the question, you know, like, why would you think that about me?

[Unknown Guest]

How dare you?

[Brian Simpson]

No, you Parody, bro. So my friend and I were working a slow night shift, and a well dressed customer approached her. She asked if he wanted any dances, and he said no. But then he asked if she knew where to find party favors, AKA cocaina. So this is the word that every idiot and club patron assumes makes them immune to arrest if they're accidentally talking to an undercover cop. The fact that she went, she was struggling to make money, all of this made her, like, more enticed to this rich douchebag, basically, is what Charles is saying. So I guess, yeah. If you say party favors, can the cops arrest you? Cause you put them in a hat and a pinata.

[Unknown Guest]

No, they can definitely arrest you if you say party favors.

[Brian Simpson]

Really, I'd be like, I was looking for balloons.

[Unknown Guest]

I mean, I don't know, actually, I think it really just depends on where you. What state you in.

[Brian Simpson]

That just feels like a waste of police money. Like, y'all just sitting around waving people asking for drugs.

[Unknown Guest]

So she's saying her friend assumed that because this dude was looking for cocaine that he was. That he had a lot of money.

[Brian Simpson]

Yeah, they said he dressed really nice. He didn't want to vending machine lap dance, but he was looking to find cocaine. I think that's very funny. To go to a strip club and not be interested in anybody who's working there. Like, you're there strictly to find drugs.

[Unknown Guest]

That's a red flag.

[Brian Simpson]

But I guess if I was from out of town and I was like, I need drugs, that seems like a good place to start.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, I guess. No, you're right about that. But why would you ask, like, the bouncer or somebody, why you ask one of the strippers?

[Brian Simpson]

Yeah, that's true. That's true. Like, why would you assume, like, they. They have a job. Points are made. Points are made. So she told him that she had a hookup in the club. She pointed to the bouncer across the room, Brian. So you were right and said, I can get you some from that guy. But he only sells $500 worth at a time. And I have to make it look like you're buying dances from me so management doesn't get suspicious. This is what she told him. He agreed. She took him over to the lap dance booth. That's a lap dance booth. And she fed his five $100 bills into the machine. She told him, I'll give you a quick dance, and then you can go get. And then I'll go get your shit. She shimmied on his lap for, like, a minute, then got up, put her bra back on, and casually walked over to the bouncer. She pointed at the customer and told the bouncer, that guy keeps harassing me for cocaine, and he won't leave me alone and is interrupting my sales. The bouncer prompt. The bouncer promptly walked over to the man whose face transferred from hopeful to distress and was grabbed by the arm and dragged out the front door and told not to come back. So my friend made a quick few bills, and a dumb tourist was parted with his drug money. Hope you like this story. Appreciate the hustle. Much love, Charles. I do like this story, Charles.

[Unknown Guest]

I like it a little bit. I felt bad for Charles, but at the same time, it's like when she stopped putting your money in the machine. You should have put two and two together.

[Brian Simpson]

Yeah. Cause that's not how drug sales work.

[Unknown Guest]

No. Oh, you think it's gonna be a receipt for this cocaine? Get your ass.

[Brian Simpson]

Thank you. Come again.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, you was asking for it, Charles.

[Brian Simpson]

Yeah, that's one of those.

[Unknown Guest]

That's one of those dudes that's. That sounds like one of those dudes that's never. He was completely out of his depth. Like, he's never been to, like, the wrong side of the tracks. Never been to, like, a seedy place. He thought it was just like, so how do you find cocaine? And here, Right.

[Brian Simpson]

I'm looking for party favors. Wink, wink. Like, he saw this in a movie.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. Or he read it on urban dictionary or something.

[Brian Simpson]

What do people say for cocaine? Yeah, he definitely went on urban dictionary for this. And also, if I saw my money going into a vending machine, I too, would be concerned that I would not be able to procure the drugs that I was soliciting. Also, whoever this woman was or, I don't know the gender, so they. Them, non binary icon, queen, king. Whoever this person is who was doing the lap dance, I'm not gonna put all five 100 bills into the vending machine so the club can take a cut of all 500. Like, I put 300 in there, but I'm put two.

[Unknown Guest]

Right. But they probably. They probably watching those machines like a hawk, though.

[Brian Simpson]

Oh, yeah, you right.

[Unknown Guest]

If you try to. I mean, because every stripper just thought of taking some of the cash.

[Brian Simpson]

Well, as they should. As they should. Strip clubs are a scam. You know what I mean?

[Unknown Guest]

Strip clubs are a scam, and I don't go to them.

[Brian Simpson]

I can't. I would go when men who were frivolous with their money would want to go, and me and my girlfriends would go like, you know, after the club or something. And they give us a few stacks, you know, a few thousand. And then I'd be like, some for me, some for you. But that was when I was in college. Nowadays, I would throw it all. That's not my money. But in college, you best believe I was gonna skip a little bit off the top.

[Unknown Guest]

The last two times I went into. I went to strip clubs with two different people. We left way too late in the morning. Probably three, four in the morning. Both times, both people seemed drunk to me. Both times I was like, are you good? And both times they were like, yeah. And both times we got in a car accident.

[Brian Simpson]

Oh, no. Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. And I was like, man, what am I doing? I'm too old for this shit. I'm too old to be paying money for an erection. Yeah, I'll get a Blue Chew for that. You know what I'm saying? It's cheaper.

[Brian Simpson]

Let me get our Urban Dictionary Blue Chew. I know what you're talking about.

[Unknown Guest]

About.

[Brian Simpson]

I know. Hilarious. No, but yeah, also, it's really. When it's that late at night and people have been drinking and you're probably also now tired, that's a really horrible combination. You should definitely not be whipping it. Call the Uberman. Okay, guys? Call the Uberman.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, no, this was before Uber.

[Brian Simpson]

Oh, this is before Uber. Oh, gosh. So that's what you had to call, like, yellow cabs.

[Unknown Guest]

That's when you had to sleep at the bus stop and wait till the train open.

[Brian Simpson]

Oh, Lord, Lord Jesus. I've had to wait till a train opened before, but it was in London and the tube wasn't open. And I was coming out of the club by myself. And these nice British men took me home. Which is the dumbest thing I've probably ever done in my life. But they were like, no, you like our little sister? Cause I was like, oh, no, I can't go with y'all. Cause y'all might try to kill me. And they're like, we would never kill you. You like our little sister. We love you. And I was like, you know what? I believe y'all.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, okay. Yeah, see, that's tough.

[Brian Simpson]

I was at this club called Fabric, and I got kicked out. I lost my friends. I got kicked out. And I got kicked out because the bathrooms are gender neutral. So I went into the bathroom, and I was just sitting on the toilet. Cause I was so tired, and I was like, are y'all not ready to go yet? And I'm waiting on these little exchange students from Minnesota. Who were so racist. And yes, I fell asleep and they saw my little feet. They're like, get out of here, you skank. And so they kicked me out and I was like, damn, I gotta get home. So I was waiting by the train and then these two black dudes who I saw before because we tried to like, sc. This one girl was a little too drunk to go. And you know, we're all young, so we're like, oh, well, just put one arm on my shoulder, one arm on her shoulder, and we'll walk you in. And they won't know that you're drunk. What are we doing? So this girl trips me and they're like, oh, ma'am, you're too drunk. And London is like so polite. So they're like, oh, you gotta wait in the junk tank. So there's like a tank outside of this club, like a little roped off area where they put people who are too intoxicated. And you just wait it out and then they'll let you in. It's wild. And I'm sure it's not like that anymore, but. So I'm standing in this little drunk tank. I'm by myself. I'm in like two pieces of cloth, like, no clothes. And I'm standing outside this thing. I'm cold, I'm very much sober. And these two black guys, I walked by and they were like, oh, what are you doing out here? Where are your friends? And I was like, oh, they're inside. They're not really my friends. They're just a bunch of racists that I live with in this exchange program. And they're like, no, this is fucked up that they left you out here. If we see them. So they help me get into the club and then we run into one of the people and he's like, oh, Lacy, we were wondering where you at? And I was like, you don't know me. Don't say you know me. And they're like, is this one of the guys who left you here outside? We're going to beat him up.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, that's funny. We'll give him. We'll give him a right slap, won't we?

[Brian Simpson]

Not a right slap, right? They were like, we. We'll shake his timbers. You know how British people be talking about, right, right.

[Unknown Guest]

Like the most mundane shit would be a serious threat.

[Brian Simpson]

Bread, right?

[Unknown Guest]

I'll butter your breads, right?

[Brian Simpson]

And you don't even know butter your bread mean. He got a.45. Like, right?

[Unknown Guest]

Right.

[Brian Simpson]

You just like, we gonna have tea, bro. This don't sound that menacing, like, oh, no, don't. Don't mess with him. He be butting everyone's bread around here. Don't mess with him.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. And then you ask them like, wait a minute. Why does butter your bread a threat? They'd be like, oh, because bread rhymes with head and butter rhymes with mother. So it means I'm gonna kill your mother. I'm like, oh, okay.

[Brian Simpson]

Oh, okay. Cool. Cool. Didn't get. Didn't glean all of that from the first time, but thank the explanation, but yeah. So they were like, I remember I lost them in the club and the people that I lived with were mad at me because they're like, why'd you say you didn't know us? I was like, cuz I was trying to keep y'all from getting your asses beat. Which I shouldn't have. I should have let you get your asses beat. But yeah. So they ran into me afterwards at the train, and they're like, we'll take you home and we'll get you some breakfast. And I was like, y'all, I can't go with y'all. Y'all gonna kill me. They like, we would never do that. We would never kill you. And I was like, all right, I believe y'all. Then they took breakfast and they drove me home. I lived in the suburbs. They drove me home. Robbery.

[Lacey Mosley]

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[Brian Simpson]

Everything inside of me was screaming, Just go 10 cults. He claimed he heard the voice of God.

[Lacey Mosley]

10 stories.

[Unknown Guest]

It was an emotional battle. We were brainwashed.

[Lacey Mosley]

My sister and I got on the snow machine, and I'm like, there's no way out. And if I got caught, he would for sure kill me. How I escaped my cult. All episodes now streaming on Hulu.

[Brian Simpson]

And Frau. And we are back. And it's time for my favorite part of the show, Historic Hoodwinks. This is where I'm gonna regale Brian with a famous con caper group of criminal squad. We don't know yet. Maybe we love them, maybe we hate them. We'll see. We'll get his opinions all throughout. As guys can see, Brian's got opinions. Okay? Mr. Simpson has thoughts, and we love that. For us, today, we are talking about the month April, the year 2015. Professional thieves broke into Halton Gardens safe deposit company in London. Oh, hey, we're back in London town. Okay. I like that for us. I didn't even know it was gonna be in London. I'm so sorry, UK listeners. Cause y'all know this means I'm just about to act the whole ass and do terrible accents the entire time y'all are here. So they broke into the safe company in London and made off with 14 million in British pounds, which is roughly 19 and a half million USD because, you know, our dollar is weak as fuck. They were called Dad's Army. The Diamond Weezers. That's too long of a name. See, that's how you know this is Linden. Like, your gang don't need to be like five words. Like, their name is Dad's Army. The Diamond Weezers.

[Unknown Guest]

So they broke into this.

[Brian Simpson]

Yeah, so they broke into the save and they stole all this money. The old blaggers. Or as they are in the French press, le gang du Papas.

[Unknown Guest]

Le gang du Papas, maybe. That sound like the gang of daddies or the.

[Brian Simpson]

Right.

[Unknown Guest]

The Daddy Gang.

[Brian Simpson]

Right? Are they sexy? So it translates to the Granddad's Gang. So these dudes must be kind of older because it's giving zaddy.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay, all right.

[Brian Simpson]

Come on. Bank robbers.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, we love a good identity, right?

[Brian Simpson]

So this is what they did to planet. The street of Hatton Garden dates back to medieval times as an enclave of commerce for master craftsmen, including warrior monks, Portuguese diamond cutters, and the famed Jewish jewelers. Hatton's Garden's reputation survives today as a center of London's jewelry trade. So Hatton Garden is still where the girls are getting there. Blang blang. That's where they go. It continues to be the home of A number of banks, safes, jewelers, making it ripe for the picking. I feel like that's too much. Like, I feel like all the balling things shouldn't just be in one area. It feels unwise.

[Unknown Guest]

Right, right. But then maybe. Yeah, but I think they do it so they can combine their resources.

[Brian Simpson]

Oh, the security. Because.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, yeah. Like, we all chip in and have 10 people patrolling this mother. I don't know.

[Brian Simpson]

That's true. That's a good point. Maybe it is better to have them all instead of isolated. You might. Yeah, you might be onto something here. So planning for the heist began with four men meeting over some p. At the pub in Isling over the course of every Friday night for three years. Okay, so here we go. Oh, they are older. They all got their, like, silver foxes. But here they are at the pub meeting and talking about their robbery. Over some beers, over some comments. But unlike the pub's other regulars, the men who met there boasted long careers as professional criminals, hungry for more. So the Mr. Reader, AKA The Master, AKA The Governor. Why y'all got so many AKA.

[Unknown Guest]

And I don't even know, is this the leader or is this the person that runs the town?

[Brian Simpson]

So Brian Reeder was the leader.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay.

[Brian Simpson]

His name is Brian Reeder. Brian Reeder was the leader. Aka Mr. Reader, aka the master, aka the government, aka the diamond boogeyman. Aka like, what? Like, why. Why so many names? So we have a picture of him right now looking.

[Unknown Guest]

He looks sleepy as hell.

[Brian Simpson]

Yeah, he looks a little exhausted. I don't know if Brian had his insurer before they took this photo.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, this is. He looks drunk.

[Brian Simpson]

I. I'd imagine since they was at the pub. I also feel like you shouldn't maybe, like, playing a whole heist, like, wild, drinking beers.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, yeah. Cause you're definitely gonna forget some, you know? Or one of y'all leave. One of y'all leaves the pub too drunk, and you gotta sit in that drunk tank right now. Everybody else waiting on you.

[Brian Simpson]

Now, the heist is held up. That's me. No, Mr. Rage is still in the drunk tank. God. Okay, we'll get our way out here with the diamond. Like what? Oh, no, nothing worse than doing the heist and then gotta wait for your ride. So.

[Unknown Guest]

Also, being the leader of the Granddad gang doesn't seem as prestigious as it should, really. I mean, because the thing is, I think it would have been. It would have been cool if they were all, like, young and they just. They were the Granddad gang, but they all really look too old. To be doing anything.

[Brian Simpson]

Yeah, they all do look like they have grandchildren. Now, listen, I'm not gonna be an ageist. I think that you can do crime up to the day you die. You know what I mean? Y'all follow y'all passions.

[Unknown Guest]

You right, you right. What am I saying? What am I saying? Especially actually, that might be the best time to do crime.

[Brian Simpson]

Cause you look who's gonna like, think it's you.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, it's easy to get away with it. And then even if you get caught, you only gonna be alive for like, it's like the most they can give you is 7 to 10, right?

[Brian Simpson]

It's like they could give you a life sentence. But like, how much life is that really?

[Unknown Guest]

Right? Exactly.

[Brian Simpson]

You good? Yeah, I totally think so as well. And also, if I saw like Mr. Reader, I wouldn't think he had no jewels in his pocket. At most I would think maybe he got a pepper in. You know what I mean? Like, it's giving Poo Pa some butterscotch, right? That's what he's giving. So in 1983, a group of armed men in ski masks stole gold, cash, jewelry from a Brinks mat warehouse at the Heathrow airport. It was Mr. Reeder who teamed up with Kent, crime boss, to help launder around $40 million in gold. With such an achievement on his resume, at the age of 76, Mr. Reeder became the head of the operations and resident diamond expert at the Hatton Garden. So, you know, they were like, well, what have you robbed? And he's like, well, I've claimed $40 million of gold. They're like, okay, he's going to lead.

[Unknown Guest]

No. Right? He's a leader.

[Brian Simpson]

Yeah. They're like, look, Frank doesn't know what day it is, but he's very good with a gun. We just have to tell him who to shoot. He'll butter their bread. He'll butter their bread, but he won't know what day it is. So Mr. Perkins is the second in command, the undercover intelligence gatherer. So Mr. Terrance Perkins was the group's unofficial second in command. He, in 1983, spent his 35th birthday involved in another notorious riot with a hooded gang with sawed off shotguns. They stole about $7.5 million in cash from London vaults of security express, a security company. He was sentenced to 22 years in prison. Okay, so see, this isn't as cute because Terrence, you got caught. And we're looking at Terrence right now. And Terrence don't really look like he's like, if you don't give a damn, I don't give a fuck.

[Unknown Guest]

Right, Right. Terrence, look. Terrence look like he don't even give a fuck if he get everybody caught.

[Brian Simpson]

Yeah, Terrence is giving very much, like Cleo energy and set it off. Like he would just go out being riddled with bullets. Bullets.

[Unknown Guest]

I bet you. I bet you Mr. Reader had to constantly be like, Clarence, what the are you doing?

[Brian Simpson]

Terrence, please. He's like, oh, man, we'll be all right.

[Unknown Guest]

Or however they would say, Clint, you're gonna. You're gonna bugger this whole thing.

[Brian Simpson]

Terrence doesn't look like he would bugger the whole thing. Also, why did it take y'all three years to plan this? Feels too long. Like, how often were y'all meeting? Was this bi weekly.

[Unknown Guest]

Like, they had to wait till they all had till they all synced up so they all they colons and bladders synced up so they like wait till we all got the right amount of fiber till we all regular.

[Brian Simpson]

That's what we all regular. They all drink a short after the beers.

[Unknown Guest]

Cause the last thing you need is Clarence shitting his pants in the middle of the heist.

[Brian Simpson]

I mean, I don't know. These dudes look very virile. You know, some. Everybody doesn't age the scent like they're giving. Like they're aging like the queen in them, you know, where they're just not gonna die.

[Unknown Guest]

So this last dude's got to be the enforcer. He look like he don't fuck around at all, right?

[Brian Simpson]

You know, you just see somebody who's definitely seen the life fade out of too many people's eyes and doesn't even do anything for them anymore. It's dead. It's giving murder.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, he's definitely. He's definitely gotten away with insulting whoever the fuck he wanted to.

[Brian Simpson]

Right? And you just look at him and you're like, it's not worth it. It's not worth it. You walk away because you know he gonna take your life from you. So he was sentenced. Remember, this is Terrance. He was sentenced to 22 years in prison for that $7 million heist. He escaped in 1995 and wasn't caugh 2012 when he was arrested and served the rest of his time for the 1983 robbery. Mr. Perkins and Mr. Reader were old friends. They worked together on four robberies over 12 years. See, this is a career. You know, they're like this. They've worked together before. You know, they know each other's resume. You Know, these are professional criminals, and I love that for them. But also, like, I just feel like this is too many robberies. Like, y'all couldn't do one good robbery and then just quit. I feel like you can't, like, keep doing robbery.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. It's like you don't have no retirement plan. Yeah, that's a tough life to live. But, I mean. But, I mean, you could say that about legit jobs, too. Mm.

[Brian Simpson]

The economy's crazy.

[Unknown Guest]

Like, UFC fighters. Like, how long can you do that?

[Brian Simpson]

Dancers, ice skaters, dancers, strippers. Now, you can strip now. If you. If you drinking water and you have your B12 and your collagen, you can strip for a minute. You know what I mean?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, you're right. I mean, it's levels to the clubs out here, you know?

[Brian Simpson]

I mean, I'm just saying, like, the Bernice Burgos who don't look like. I think that woman is, like, 50, and she looks like 26. So look up Bernice Burgos and y'all see, like, that woman, she has a child that's, like, my age, and, like, she looks so young. So I'm like, maybe, you know, some. Everybody built different. So. Mr. Perkins and Mr. Reader are old homies. Mr. Perkins also posed as a builder at the safe deposit or the safety deposit to gather information prior to the actual heist. So he was showing up down there putting on a hard hat, and everyone just assumed he was employed there. And they're like, does anybody know Mr. Perkins? He asked a lot of questions. I was like, he just walks around with a hammer, and he's like, what's the code to the safe?

[Unknown Guest]

I'm down. I'm telling you, A hardhead and a clipboard will make people not even question you.

[Brian Simpson]

Right? Especially if you're an older white man. Like, people just assume older white men are employed everywhere, you know, to run it. So I'm sure that he could just show up and act like he was running things. And everybody's like, okay, makes sense to me.

[Unknown Guest]

An older white man and some dickies.

[Brian Simpson]

Oh, can't be stopped. Can't be stopped.

[Unknown Guest]

Walk through anything.

[Brian Simpson]

So Mr. Jones was the eccentric forensic expert. Danny Jones, 59, had a criminal record stretching back to 1975. In 82, he was convicted of stealing 92,000 British pounds. He was the gang's eccentric. So he's the one who's like. See, when British people say eccentric, I feel like that just means, like. Cause I try to. He don't look that eccentric. He looks pretty regular. We truly don't know. Oh. So his friends claimed that he could tell fortunes. He talked to his dog like it was a person, and occasionally went to bed wearing his mother's dressing gown with a fez on. Okay, but what is a fez? I don't know what a fez is.

[Unknown Guest]

I think that's one of those. One of those hats that it's, like, burgundy with a little tassel on it.

[Brian Simpson]

Stop. I always see people with that, like, in there on tiny bicycles or something.

[Unknown Guest]

I don't know what they for.

[Brian Simpson]

Yeah, I don't know what they're for either, but I've seen them. So then you got Mr. Collins, the lookout. Then we're getting through all these people so we can get to the actual heights. Good Lord. So John Kenny Collins, 74. He had criminal records stretching back 50 years. Of course he does. You can't not have a criminal record. It's a Moroccan hat. That's what a fez is. You can't not have a criminal record to be a part of the granddaddy gang, though. His teammates called him Wombat Thick. I don't even know what that means. The UK Y'all just be.

[Unknown Guest]

What is wombat thick? Maybe that means stupid. Maybe, like, thick in the skull.

[Brian Simpson]

Maybe because this is. He's determined. He determined that. Oh. So they determined that he would best serve as the lookout. He was instrumental in gathering intelligence and purchasing equipment. That being said, while posing as the lookout, he did fall asleep in the getaway van during.

[Unknown Guest]

My God.

[Brian Simpson]

Okay, so maybe wombat Thick does mean dumb, because he did. How you gonna. You have one job.

[Unknown Guest]

Job. For real? My God. How you not awake?

[Brian Simpson]

And it very much involves keeping your eyes open. Like, that's like. It's in the word Look. Look out. Like, you got to be looking.

[Unknown Guest]

Have you ever seen. You ever seen a movie, Layer Cake?

[Brian Simpson]

No, I haven't.

[Unknown Guest]

It's not about this. But there's a dude in there. This has nothing to do with the main plot of the movie, but it's a sad thing where he flips out and beats the out this. Like, they all sit in breakfast, and he sees somebody in the dark minor and gets up and beats the out of him. And then when they. When they leave and his boy's like, what was that about? It was like. And if. And they flash back and. And he did this to that guy. So the dude that got his ass beat fell asleep. He was a getaway driver. He fell asleep and got everybody caught.

[Brian Simpson]

And you even relax during a robbery.

[Unknown Guest]

Like, but. Yeah. How do you go to sleep, though, you supposed to have no dose caffeine.

[Brian Simpson]

It's emotion or adrenaline. Like you are doing a robbery. Like, how does that feel? Like, I'm just gonna close my. I'm gonna rest my ass for a second. Literally, all you hear outside is, like, boom, boom, boom. Go, go, go.

[Unknown Guest]

You like sleep. And the thing is, if I got to be awake, I got at least 48 hours in it, right?

[Brian Simpson]

If I have to. Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

And if my freedom is on the line, I probably. I could probably stay up for three days without caffeine. Just on the strip. I don't want to die.

[Brian Simpson]

I don't want to go to prison on vibes. For sure. I think I can stay awake as well. I'm definitely not catnapping during a robbery. Like, how much time did you think they were gonna need? Robberies tend to be quick. I feel like you weren't sitting out there for, like, 45 minutes. So, the heist. After three years of extensive planning and research by the men and help from several lesser involved accomplices, the heist commenced on the evening of April 2, 2015. Mr. Reeder, Mr. Perkins, Mr. Jones, Mr. Collins, they all pulled up in a white van at the Hatton Garden Safe Deposit. The Hatton Garden safe Deposit held the safety deposit boxes of many jewelers in the area who used it as a company vault. So this is where they're putting all the cash once they've sold all the blood diamonds. So all the money's sitting there. They were greeted by a mysterious man with red hair, known at the time only as Basil. Possibly that stands for best alarm specialist in London. And so they called him.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, off the top.

[Brian Simpson]

I'm glad that he shortened his name, because everybody else's nicknames are way too goddamn long. How do y'all call each other in the robbery? You're like the reader ain't. AKA Fort Knox, Johnny Jones. Trappings like these names are too long. Like, Basil had the right idea. Cause I don't want to yell out, best alarm specialist in London.

[Unknown Guest]

So now we up to what? It's five people in the gang.

[Brian Simpson]

Yes. So while the men unloaded bags, tools, and two garbage bins from the van, Basil opened up the fire escape door to let them in. Once inside the building, the men disabled the elevator, leaving an out of order sign next to it, and sent the elevator to the second floor. I love that they were polite enough to Levi. Out of order. This is a very British rock.

[Unknown Guest]

We don't want anybody to get stuck. We don't want an inconvenience so sorry.

[Brian Simpson]

But you must take the stairs. We're doing a bit of a rubbery. So then they shimmy down the elevator shaft to the basement. Now they are. These are older men, and they are shimmying down an elevator shaft. So they got that upper body strength popping. Once at the iron gate that protected the vault, they cut the wires of the electrical box to disable it. From there, they drill. Where are the guards?

[Unknown Guest]

Yes, this is the middle of the.

[Brian Simpson]

Right. I'm confused. Maybe it's at night. So from there, they drilled through the vault wall, which they Learned doing watching YouTube. You can learn anything on YouTube. YouTube got all the crime hacks. So shortly after midnight, so that it is at night. Because I was thinking that too. I was like, where are nobody? Okay. So shortly after midnight, the intruder alarm triggered, but the owner of the safety deposit company did not address it as a previous alarm had been recently triggered by an insect. So whoever heard the alarm was like, the damn spy. This again. And rolled back over and went to sleep an hour later. The building security guard arrived an hour later. What kind of security do y'all. This place needed to be robbed.

[Unknown Guest]

So you don't have security at midnight, but you got security at 1am and.

[Brian Simpson]

Also like an hour later. I guess they only came because the alarm went off, but they came an hour later. That's how you know you're not paying your security guard enough money.

[Unknown Guest]

Right? Right.

[Brian Simpson]

That's how you know if your security guard wake up like, ah, hell, I gotta go to work. All right, it's a robbery down there.

[Unknown Guest]

But. But you know what, though, also though, I think, because we creatures are habits, you know? So it's like after you done done like a hundred shifts and ain't nothing ever happened. And then the one time the alarm go off, it was a fucking insect. You ain't gonna be like, oh, no, somebody's robbing to make you be like, man, that's probably some bullshit, right?

[Brian Simpson]

Yeah, you're definitely gonna roll up, so probably roll back over. Slept for 20 more minutes, then was like, all right, let me go, so I'll get fired. It's very much giving, so I don't get fired. So he showed up, the security guard showed up, looked through the letter box of the fire escape, declared it was secure, and left. So basically he looked around, was like, hello. Oh, the elevator out of order.

[Unknown Guest]

Any criminals here?

[Brian Simpson]

Is anyone trying to rob the door? Hello? I didn't see anybody. All right, back to bed. This is the most minimal security I've ever heard. So the police were also notified of the alarm, but they decided that no response was was necessary. Everybody was like, we good? Y'all not paying none of these people enough money. But despite having the best luck of any thieves, when the men finally breached the wall, they hit an unmovable metal cabinet bolted to the floor and ceiling that held the safe deposit box as they left around 8am, empty handed. Undeterred, they returned two days later on Mr. Perkins 67th birthday. Though Mr. Reader, the group's leader, he was like, I'm not going back for a second time. So the leader, Mr. Reader, was like, oh, no, I'm not going back again.

[Unknown Guest]

He's like, yo, my stomach, my stomach all right.

[Brian Simpson]

He was like, nah, I can't. I gotta drink my insurance and go to bed. So during their second trip, they were able to dislodge the cabinet, gain access to the vault. The men ransacked 73 safe deposit boxes full of jewels, gold, precious stones, and basically like £14 million. At 6.40am, after Mr. Collins had been woken up, they sped away. Mr. Jones was overheard saying that he would have to be wheeled out in one of the biggest because he had not brought his insulin shots.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, my God. See, that's why, that's why the leader knew better. He was like, bro, we gotta. Our health got to be matching for us to pull this off.

[Brian Simpson]

We had one good day where everybody, nobody had gout, right?

[Unknown Guest]

We need everybody's vitamin D up all this.

[Brian Simpson]

It was like two days in a row. After two days, we was up at midnight, bro, we can't be at midnight again. Come on now, bro.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, we need another two weeks to catch up on some, to try again, right?

[Brian Simpson]

So this is how they got caught. We're getting to the end of this. It took several days for the men to be discovered. The lack of internal cctv, fingerprints or forced entry indicated a certain level of insider knowledge. So they were like, they got in here, basically walked in, you know, no fingerprints, no cameras. They. They cut the cameras dead ass. So there was a surveillance camera that was like hanging on outside in the corner. And that's how they found it, basically. So they had the surveillance footage from the street and bugs planted in their cars, which had picked up on them bragging about their spoils. So Mazira Bagg, a jewelry dealer, said he had lost everything. He said, I don't have a penny's worth of stones left with me because they were all in the safe deposit. Damn. You put all your stones, you can't put all your eggs in one basket.

[Unknown Guest]

Or he was lying. Cause so the insurance would pay for it.

[Brian Simpson]

Oh, you right. You right. Yeah, you right about that. Cause if I got robbed, I'm showing up in a neck brace. They were like, you weren't even here.

[Unknown Guest]

No, this is from when I fell. When I heard the news.

[Brian Simpson]

Yeah. When I heard. I picked up the phone was like, hello? And they were like, you got robbed? And I was like, oh, no. And then I fell down several stairs.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, right.

[Brian Simpson]

My whole family fell.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, my whole family fell. You know, it's like those people. It's like, remember when Janet Jackson's titty came out on the Super Bowl? And all these people was like, I'm permanently damaged.

[Brian Simpson]

We really did act a whole. And by we, I mean them. Acted a whole fool about nickel. But I will say, though, the timing, that was wild. Because TiVo had just come out. And I only remember that because I was a kid and my parents would always throw the super bowl parties. And they had just gotten the TiVo, which was the new gadget. So when the titty came out, they rewinded a bunch of times.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, they were like, wait a minute. What? What?

[Brian Simpson]

Wait, what was that?

[Unknown Guest]

What's that?

[Brian Simpson]

They were rewinding, pausing, chatting. It was a. You know, because it was like a house full of people. And like, not in a gross way, but more of like, we just got this TiVo thing. So now we can understand. Cause it was just such a quick moment, and people act like it lasted fore. And they were like, what just happened? Yeah. So I'm sure that also exacerbated the situation. And shout out to Janet a queen. No shout outs to Justin. Justin.

[Unknown Guest]

Exactly. She missed a great opportunity to bring her out during the Super Bowl. But that's a whole nother thing, right?

[Brian Simpson]

Loser. And that's when he was, like, wearing camos and trying to be white again. It was very weird.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, he went camping. He tried to Miley cyrus us. Like, 30 years later.

[Brian Simpson]

He did. It was too late. You can't Miley Cyrus us that long. Timberland made your whole career. Boo. Boo. You can't try to walk it back now. We saw them. Cornbread Rose. Stop playing with us, okay? We used to see your head when it looked like a pack of ramen noodles. Don't play with us.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, wow. She get that? Dismissed.

[Brian Simpson]

So wrapping this up on May 19, after 45 days of surveillance and gathering the information to determine where the loot had been stashed, 200 police officers swept in on several of the men as they were transferring the jury 200. Wow, that's a lot of police. The police raided 12 addresses in north London and arrested seven suspects of what was recovered, including Mr. Jones's bag of loot he had stashed under the gravestone of a family member. Over £9 million was still missing when arrested. All four men and accomplices who pleaded guilty to the theft, Mr. Jones, Mr. Perkins, Mr. Collins, they were all sentenced to seven years in prison. Mr. Reeder was sentenced to six. I think six is not fair. Mr. Reeder didn't go back. Okay, yeah. What? Six? Six. Six. They getting seven, I'm getting six.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, that's a lot. Because they didn't know that I tried the first time. So how do you even know I'm involved?

[Brian Simpson]

Right. I feel like six is too much if I just basically did breaking and entering because I wasn't there for the actual heist. Come on now, that's raggedy. So it took three years for Basil to be identified. Michael Steed, a 58 year old alarm specialist. So he was sentenced to a total of 18 years. Now wait a minute, these years ain't the math. Ain't mathing What? Basil got 18, but you know what.

[Unknown Guest]

That'S probably cause he went on the run. Oh, so maybe they charged him with some extra.

[Brian Simpson]

Yeah, maybe because he was on the lamb. So in January 2018, the Woolwich Crown Court ruled that Mr. Collins, Mr. Jones, Mr. Perkins and Mr. Raider must pay a total of 27.5 million pounds or face another seven years in prison. Mr. Perkins died in prison a week after the ruling. So like we said earlier, he was like, bye.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, where they supposed to get that kind of money from?

[Brian Simpson]

Right? It's like, didn't they only steal like 14 million in pounds and then the rest was jewelry? Like where?

[Unknown Guest]

Well, they said 6 million was never recovered.

[Brian Simpson]

Yeah, they said 9 million wasn't recovered, so. But how does 9 jump to 27? I'm confused.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, like, yeah, where I'm supposed to get $27 million from?

[Brian Simpson]

Right. You know, I done got that. You want me to rob another bank? Give us three years.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, they backwards over there. That's what they judges wear, wigs.

[Brian Simpson]

Right. And so Mr. Collins and Mr. Jones, their sentences were extended after obviously failing to pay. And they're still in jail. Mr. Rita was released after serving three years and had suffered prostate cancer in a series of strokes. Reader, I'm so sorry. So had safe deposit was forced into liquidation and the building's new owner was considering turning the vault into a museum devoted to the heist. So they go try to get a coin however they can. Now they're like, come to oceans.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. Or, man. You know what? They could do one of those skillshares or one of those master classes. Right.

[Brian Simpson]

Can you now? Because I was about to say that's boring. If you just turn it into a museum and I just walk around now, if you telling me I could slide down the elevator shaft and. Yeah, recreate the robbery. That kind of sounds popping. I would do that.

[Unknown Guest]

Show me how to turn off this alarm.

[Brian Simpson]

Make it into a dick's last resort. But you got to break in to get to the restaurant.

[Unknown Guest]

I wonder if it's illegal if I just break in somewhere, like, just to. With somebody. If I break into. Like, if I break into a jewelry store and I just move everything around, but I leave it there.

[Brian Simpson]

Don't you don't steal anything. Just inconvenience everybody.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, Just make everybody like, what the fuck?

[Brian Simpson]

I mean, shout out to these kings. So sorry that y'all are either in jail or decided to peace out from the planet. Really wish. I mean, one. At least. Basil was on the lamb for three years. Hopefully he has some good times, you know, with some bad bitches. That's my hope for him.

[Unknown Guest]

At least they didn't snitch on each other, right?

[Brian Simpson]

It looks like they did not snitch on their friends or on their family, for sure. But it's just like, if I'm doing all this for a robbery, I need to be able to enjoy the money. I just feel like the police caught up to y'all too quick. Like.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, yeah, but how did they. But was it specific about how they knew it was them for sure?

[Brian Simpson]

There was a camera. So they. They didn't catch them on camera in the actual place, but they caught their license plates, which I'm like, why are y'all driving your own cars? Like, yes.

[Unknown Guest]

Look, between y'all, y'all got about 90 years experience. How you gonna drive your own car to a robbery?

[Brian Simpson]

Yeah, they old school, though. I'm sure back in the day when they were doing it, it was. They weren't ready for all the technology. They needed one young person on the team, like, one person who got a TikTok who could have, you know what.

[Unknown Guest]

And they probably had one. It was like, you know what? You don't know what the fuck you doing? Let me. I'm gonna call my man. Who was the last one that got caught?

[Brian Simpson]

Basil. Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

I'm gonna call my man Basil. This young nigga talk too much.

[Brian Simpson]

He Was trying to help y'all out. Look, guys, it's time for a quick scammer of the week before I have to let King Bryan Simpson go here. This week's scammer of the week, where we honor a Charlotte attendant who's maybe worthy of our praise, maybe not. We'll see real quick. So the scammer of the week. There's a Japanese tradition of eating KFC on Christmas that might be built off of a lie from a Japanese businessman. When the first KFC opened in Japan in 1970, the store manager, Takashi Okara, struggled to make money. Japanese customers were unfamiliar with the store's American aesthetic. And at times, Okara had so little money that he slept on the floor, bags in the back. So he was sleeping on the chicken in the back, resting his head on drumsticks every night. Cause he couldn't slang him, and I hate that for him. So at the time, Christmas was not a major holiday in Japan. But when a nun at a nearby school asked Okara to a Christmas party if he served KFC's fried chicken, he obliged, even showing up in a Santa Claus suit. So he was like, oh, y'all want chicken on Christmas? Yeah. I'm gonna pull up, and I'm gonna pull up as Chris Cream, right? Come on, Chris. Chicken. Come on. Chicken Kringle. We love it. So he shows up with the chicken. The party was such a success that another kindergarten class asked for a KFC themed Christmas party. Okara took the idea to his stores, putting Santa costumes on Colonel Sanders statues outside and marketing fried chicken as the replacement to the American turkey for Christmas dinner. News of the tradition spread bread. And when the national broadcaster asked a cara if fried chicken was a common Western Christmas tradition, he said it was.

[Unknown Guest]

Hey, man. Yeah, you came back out at that point.

[Brian Simpson]

He said, yeah. Everybody in America eat chicken on Christmas. Don't look anything up.

[Unknown Guest]

Right?

[Brian Simpson]

Right.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. I've been there. And it's.

[Brian Simpson]

I've been there. Colonel Sanders is actually Santa Claus. Everybody knows that. And the chicken or the reindeer and. And he pulls them on.

[Unknown Guest]

I'm guessing that sign says 100% chicken.

[Brian Simpson]

Yeah, that's what I'm guessing, too. It has. It probably says 100% chicken, which I always think is hilarious when. No lies, no lies told. He said on drumstick, on thigh, on wing, on gravy, on biscuit.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. What percentage chicken is it? Chicken. That's not 100%.

[Brian Simpson]

That's what I always think when people like. I remember when McDonald's was like, now with all white Meat nuggets. And I was like, when was they before.

[Unknown Guest]

Right, right. Well, yeah, when they first came out with the. The chicken selects, the chicken tender.

[Brian Simpson]

Right.

[Unknown Guest]

This is all real. What was the other Right.

[Brian Simpson]

That y'all served for many, many decades? It's a McDonald's now with meat. What?

[Unknown Guest]

No, they. You know what? They. They got tired of the accusation, and they put out a video where they show it how they make the nuggets. And it did not help.

[Brian Simpson]

It did not help at all.

[Unknown Guest]

It did not help.

[Brian Simpson]

Pink stuff.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, like slime. I'm like, oh, that is. It didn't make me feel better about it. I should have just been quiet.

[Brian Simpson]

Yeah, don't tell us. Don't tell us that. They making this with chicken booty.

[Unknown Guest]

Like, this is the rest of the chicken.

[Brian Simpson]

It's chicken cream. And then it solidifies into a nugget. I'm like, no, we did not need to know this, McDonald's. We should have kept that to y'allself. So today, the phenomenon continues as every Christmas, people wait hours outside of KFC for fried chicken during the holiday season. Okay, Akora, I'm down. I like, like this scam. You're like, yeah, everybody in America. I'm sure some people in America aren't eating KFC on Christmas. It's not like you really lied.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, I mean, he's like, americans eat right on Christmas, for sure.

[Brian Simpson]

But I do love hyping it. I feel like you need to take it further. I feel like you should be like, yeah, every holiday, American, Arbor Day, they gotta have a chicken. You know what I mean? Like, make it every day so you can really run the bag up. But at least you know Christmas gonna be hitting. I love that.

[Unknown Guest]

Hey, real talk, though. Best fried chicken in LA is a place called Barbecue Chicken LA in Korea.

[Brian Simpson]

Wow, I've never heard of that. I thought you were gonna say, like, Gus's or, like, Dave's hot. Okay.

[Unknown Guest]

It's a Korean spot. But they fried chicken. It's incredible.

[Brian Simpson]

I do love Korean fried chicken, though. It usually is very much busing. So, okay, what's it called again? Cause I'm have to go.

[Unknown Guest]

It's called Barbecue Chicken La.

[Brian Simpson]

And then it's straight to the point. Barbecue Chicken La. You know what you're getting? You know where it's at. Love that. All right, guys, we've reached the end of the episode. And Brian, we always ask on the show, so where would you like to be found? Where do you want people to find you?

[Unknown Guest]

Like, when I'm. Oh, no, I thought you meant if I die. Oh, no. Oh, my God, no. I would like. You could find me @BSCamedian on Twitter or Instagram. I'm gonna be all. I'm be all over the place, touring this weird click on my link tree, and I'm coming to your city. Even if it's not up there, the links will be up there.

[Brian Simpson]

Yes. And the standups on Netflix. Guys, please watch Brian. I mean, I'm just trying to do y'all a favor. Cause Brian's episode is so freaking funny. It's so good. I was telling him before we started the podcast that I was watching. Cause Naomi Epkarrigan and Janelle James, y'all know, have done the show before. I was watching to see theirs, and Brian's was first. And I was like, oh, I'm looking for Naomi's. And then as soon as he started talking, I was like, nah, I'm gonna watch this. I was like, okay, this is funny as hell. It was a really good spot. You should be very, very proud. Congratulations. Y'all get into it and y'all see this man live and in person. Okay? Breathing in a city near you telling these jokes, honey. As always. Guys, snitch on your friends and [e-mail] if you want to see me and my shenanigans. D I V A L A C I D valacy on all platforms. If you'd like to see any of these photos of these dashing older criminals, the granddaddies with all of their names. Scam got his pod. On all platforms. Congregations Stay scheming. Scam Goddess. This has been an Earwolf production in association with Team Coco. Scam Goddess stars and is hosted by me, Lacey Mosley, AKA Scam Goddess. It's produced by Judith Cargbo, engineered by Marina Paiz, and researched by Kalen Brandt. Stay scheming.

[Unknown Guest]

This has been a Team Coco production in association association with Earwolf.

[Brian Simpson]

At Capella University, we believe accessible education can make a difference. That's why we offer scholarship opportunities to all eligible students. Un futuro diferente estam mass serca de lo que cres con Capella University. Learn more at capella. Edu all set for your flight? Yep. I've got everything I need. Eye mask, neck pillow, T mobile. Mobile. Headphones. Wait. T mobile? You bet. Free in flight. Wi Fi 15 off all Hilton brands. I never go anywhere without T mobile. Same goes from a water bottle, chewing gum, nail clippers. I'm gonna leave you to it.

[Unknown Guest]

Find out how you can experience travel better@t mobile.com Travel qualifying plan required.

[Brian Simpson]

Wi Fi were available on select US airlines. Deposit and Hilton honors membership required for 15 discount terms and conditions apply.