Savvy Shakedowns

Summary

Scam Goddess – “Savvy Shakedowns” (December 2, 2022)

Host: Laci Mosley
Guest Host: Priscilla Davies

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Episode Overview

In this episode of Scam Goddess, Laci Mosley and her returning guest, comedian and writer Priscilla Davies, dig into scammy listener confessions. The pair cackle through real-life tales of petty theft, insurance hustles, and ruthless landlords, sharing their comedic insights on the murky ethics—and sheer audacity—of everyday schemers. Expect a ride full of sharp banter, personal asides, and genuine empathy for those who must “stay schemin’” just to get by.

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Main Discussion Points & Insights

The Line Between Scam and Survival

• Opening Thoughts: Laci and Priscilla riff on the inevitability of lawsuits in the entertainment industry, the concept of “frivolous” litigation, and the fine line between inspiration and plagiarism.

  • Notable Quote (01:02, Laci): “Our goal is to not get sued... Although they say you reach a certain point in your career where you’re just going to start getting sued.”
  • Priscilla on asking forgiveness vs. permission (02:03): “I live by the phrase, it’s better to ask forgiveness than to ask permission.”

• Empowerment in Uniqueness: Both hosts underline that no one can fully copy your energy or talents.

  • Laci (02:53): “Can’t nobody do what you do, the way you do.”

Listener Scam #1: The Grocery Store Training Mode Heist (04:49–13:56)

• Confession Name: “Blair Witch Trial”
• The Scam: At age 16, Blair discovered she could set her grocery store’s register to “training mode”, which allowed her to fake ringing up items for her mom without actually charging anything.
• Execution: Blair used strategic placement (register near the wall), involved her mom in the con, and “sold” name brand and luxury items they otherwise couldn’t afford.
  • Laci (09:05): “No great value in this cart... We gettin’ the best of the best.”
  • Priscilla (10:41): “She had the surf and turf every day.”
• Justification: The family struggled financially. Blair had no qualms about skimming from big corporations and was prepared with plausible deniability if caught.
• Empathy from Hosts: Laci and Priscilla celebrate Blair’s ingenuity, especially given America’s food insecurity and grocery store waste.
  • Laci on food waste (11:44): “Grocery store is like one of the number one causes of food waste in America... They lock their dumpsters.”

Dumpster Diving & Corporate Waste (11:02-13:56)

• Both hosts go off on a tangent about dumpster diving TikTok videos and how corporations toss out perfectly good food and products instead of donating them.
• Priscilla (12:48): “They say it’s ‘cause they don’t want to get sued, which is capitalism.”
• Laci (13:50): “Companies always find a way, but they’re like, why would we put extra work into something we’re not gonna make a profit off of?”

Listener Scam #2: The Moldy Basement & Insurance Hustle (14:17–36:46)

• Confession Name: “Johnson Johnson”
• The Scam Environment: During a pandemic cross-country move, Johnson and spouse rent a basement apartment on the East Coast, which turns out to be mold-infested and filled with the deceased ex’s memorabilia.
• Mold Disaster: Within 24 hours, a tiny patch of mold balloons, forcing them to toss a third of their belongings.
  • Laci (19:17): “The mold was celebrating too... having a full fiesta, moving from room to room in the bed.”
  • Priscilla (19:42): “The mold is the unicorn in this threesome.”
• Landlady Carol’s Offer: Carol, the classic ruthless East Coast landlord, suggests claiming the loss on her homeowner’s insurance but asks them to pretend to be her niece and nephew if the insurer calls.
• Insurance Scam: Johnson suspects Carol pocketed the entire payout since she never shared it, likely because her insurance didn't permit basement rentals.
  • Priscilla (22:37): “...If anyone from the insurance company calls, tell them you’re my niece and nephew who live in one bed in my basement.”
  • Laci (23:25): “You should have known then.”
  • Priscilla (23:44): “She was like, 10 billion! That’s how much she [claimed].”
• Barely Compensated: After losing thousands in property, Johnson only gets some deposit back, minus $50 for minor wall damage (command strips)—even as Carol guts the wall days later.
  • Laci (30:24): “Y’all should have just beat Carol’s ass because she purposely molded your shit...”
  • Priscilla (32:36): “...Y’all were pushovers...how did two of you guys agree to get fucked up?”
• Hosts’ Critique: Laci and Priscilla lament Johnson’s passivity and joke that sometimes, “victim blaming feels right,” given Carol’s shameless scam artistry.
  • Laci (34:07): “You had all the cards in your pocket...you could have called the city, the insurance company, unless you run us some of that insurance money...and give us that $50!”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On lawsuits and creative theft (01:02–03:07):

  • Laci: “If you’re not getting sued, who are you?”
  • Priscilla: “I'm a writer... sensitive about my shit... Plagiarism is a tough thing in this business.”

• On creative self-empowerment (03:07):

  • Laci: “Can’t nobody do what you do the way you do.”

• On the POS register scam (08:08, Priscilla):

  • “I love a good POS scheme.”

• On why food insecurity is a scam (11:38):

  • Laci: “Nobody should not be able to afford food.”

• On dumpster diving TikTok (12:18, Priscilla):

  • “People be finding crab legs in the trash—literally still frozen.”

• On the law vs. capitalism (13:56):

  • Priscilla: “In conclusion, capitalism ruins everything. We thought it was Adam, but it’s capitalism.”

• On the wild velocity of mold (19:17, Laci):

  • “You came back, and little did you know, the mold was celebrating too.”

• On Carol's insurance scam (22:37–23:44):

  • Priscilla: “‘By the way, if anyone from the insurance agency calls, tell them you’re my niece and nephew who live in one bed in my basement.’ Already a big red flag!”

• On the audacity of landlord Carol (29:44, Laci):

  • “Honestly, y’all should have just beat Carol’s ass because she purposely molded your shit. Then she collected hella insurance money...”

• On dealing with scammers (34:07, Laci):

  • “That’s when you pull up and are like: ‘I’ma call the city and... insurance company unless you run us some of that insurance money...’”

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Key Timestamps

• 00:02–03:07: Opening banter—lawsuits, plagiarism, uniqueness
• 04:49–13:56: Blair’s grocery store “training mode” register scam
• 11:44–13:56: Digression: Food waste, dumpster diving, corporate greed
• 14:17–36:46: Johnson Johnson’s moldy basement/landlord insurance hustle
• 29:44–34:07: Carol’s audacious docked deposit and scammer hall of fame
• 36:46-end: Final reactions; closure

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Episode Tone & Vibe

The episode is classic Scam Goddess: quick-witted, honest, raucously funny, and deeply empathetic to everyday people pushed to scheme (or scammed themselves) by systems stacked against them. Laci and Priscilla’s chemistry keeps confessions both hilarious and revealing, blending real talk about capitalism and vulnerability with zany asides, and side-splitting impressions.

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For New Listeners

Even if you haven’t heard the episode, you’ll walk away with tales of scams both small and bold, understand why some people feel forced into petty larceny, and get a healthy dose of “hot evil” landlord lore. Most of all, you’ll get the Scam Goddess perspective: stay shrewd, stay funny, and—above all—“stay schemin’.”

Transcript

[A]

What's up, Confession secret congregation? It's me, Lacy Mosley.

[B]

And me, Priscilla Davies.

[A]

That you making fun of me?

[B]

I mean, I'm just, you know, flowing. I'm flowing.

[A]

And we're back to confessions. We're here to read your letters, as always, snitch on your friends, your family, your enemies, [e-mail] also confession listeners, if you like, a little secret thing. We're doing something even more secret. Patreon secreter on Patreon. Give us your money pod. And if you'd like to email specifically to that, give us your moneypodmail.com and that's a little bit more about mess.

[B]

Yeah, it's messes and scams and messes,

[A]

but a lot of mess.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That we're not putting on the open Internet web because, you know, the law.

[B]

We don't want to get sued.

[A]

We're trying. That's our goal, is to not get sued. Although they say you reach a certain point in your career where you're just going to start getting sued.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, I guess it is a milestone. It's like, if you're not getting sued, who are? Are you anybody?

[A]

Like, if you haven't fought several lawsuits. Although I would like to stay out of court. So hopefully. Okay, I keep it cute, like cardi b out here getting sued left and right. I'm not trying to be on that.

[B]

I just wonder, like, why, Like, I guess, you know, a lot of lawsuits are frivolous, Right. In this industry. But I, I, I just be wondering, like, why did y' all do that?

[A]

Cause they hope that you'll settle out of court just so not to have to go to court. Cause like, court is annoying, and court takes up a lot of your time. So if you're booked and busy, it's better to just pay off whatever grifter. But sometimes they just take it to court. Cause they're like, nah, bruh, we not giving you this. We not giving you nothing.

[B]

Go away. Yeah. Cause I think about, like, when it's things like, oh, so and so didn't credit so and so on a song, or they stole their artwork for their album. And it's like, just why?

[A]

Cause they try to get their coins. I'm like, if you can point out enough, then you might as well, I

[B]

guess, you know, I do live by the phrase, like, it's better to ask forgiveness than to ask permission.

[A]

Same. Okay, listen, they tried to sue Quinta at Abbott or some lady talking about. I wrote a script about a school so this is my show. It's like, baby, you know how many scripts about school have been written? Okay, you not doing what they doing over there.

[B]

Yeah, that's one thing about. I mean, it's like, plagiarism is a tough thing in this business because. No, what you do, if somebody else is doing it, it's always gonna be different.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

But there is a level. Obviously, I'm a writer, so, you know, I'm like, you know, sensitive about my shit. So obviously, like, you know, if you have a specific idea and you see somebody execute that, and, you know, you told them, like, yeah, that shit is shady. But, you know, in the long scheme of things, they're never gonna do it the way you would have done it.

[A]

Exactly. And that's a lesson for all of us. Can't nobody do what you do the way you do.

[B]

Do it the way you do it,

[A]

but not the way that you do it. Not the way you put your stank on it, period. Your funk in it, your foot in it.

[B]

I'm telling you. You know, when I realized that, it liberated me because it was like, I'm not competing with anybody. I'm just being myself.

[A]

Exactly. Our best selves. And that was our Ayan. The moment.

[B]

If you want to take acting classes and become a star in LA with Lacy and I, now is the.

[A]

We can't guarantee bookings, but we can guarantee a good time. O. Okay. You'll have fun. You'll learn nothing. Isn't that most of college? No.

[B]

I mean, yeah, I learned a lot.

[A]

A little bit. I try to make myself think that I learned a lot.

[B]

You learned a lot. A bit.

[A]

A lot. A bit. I learned a lot. A bit.

[B]

A lot of bit.

[A]

But let's get into your letters, guys. We're starting off. I'll read this first one, but, Pete, can you give me a fake name for this person?

[B]

Let's call this person Blair. Blair Witch Trial. That's her full name.

[A]

Blair Witch Trial. I was being Blair Underwood, one of the most successful villains. Like, if you need somebody to play just Unhinged, Blair's your guy. Hot and unhinged, sweaty. He brings his own sweat from his pores to work every day, literally. They never have to spray him down. Okay?

[B]

And don't let them put a little drip of blood coming down his forehead.

[A]

Ooh, now we're really cooking with Grease. Listen, a lot of actors can cry on cue, but can you sweat? Can you sweat when they say action and then they shoot out of his pores? Yeah.

[B]

Blair Underwood also At this point, I've decided has to be a vampire. He hasn't changed in 42 years.

[A]

That's cause he plays evil all the time.

[B]

That's true. That's true.

[A]

He plays it a little too well. Him and Michael Ealy and a few others. I'm like, are y' all evil in real life? Cause it's getting.

[B]

It's getting evil.

[A]

Yeah, Hot evil. Which is such a good trope to me because it's something that so many of us have been through where you date somebody and they're hot and then they turn out to be. Just be like the most batshit person you've ever met in your life. And I'm like, wow, good for them. So Blair says, thank you so much, or thank you guys so much for helping me realize how much of a scam so many things in my world are. Listening, I realize I have at least one scam of my own. Okay, Blair, what's your scam? Says, I worked at a locally owned grocery store at 16 as my second job. I'm now in my 30s. Okay. My first was at 14. Okay, you were really getting employed as a minor? Okay. Hell yeah.

[B]

That was when I got my first job too, Blair.

[A]

Since my first job was at 14, delivering newspapers, which meant waking up at 4am to get paid less than $10 an hour and pay for my own rubber bands to deliver the papers for two hours. A scam in all caps. No wonder it's all online now. I will say I remember when newspaper was like a side hustle that you could get. And I had a stepdad for like, maybe like a few months before my mom moved on to greener pastures. And I was really young. And I remember we would have to like, get in the. At like 4am and he would throw out the newspapers out the window. And I never understood why we had to be there for that.

[B]

Like, was your mom there also or just the kids?

[A]

I feel like she was there. I was. I was in the backseat, but I was like, why? Why are we here for this? Yeah. No, we had to. We had to get rid of him.

[B]

But I get it. I get it. This is giving, like 90s realness. Like, that's. That's the last era of the new paper boy. Because at that point, they were using cars. There was no more bikes. It was cars.

[A]

Guys, I wanna reach out to us if you ever threw papers at people's doorsteps on a bike, because I can't imagine that reality.

[B]

Like, how do you. Where do you carry it on your Back.

[A]

Yeah, they put. They, like, reach back, and then they just launch it while they're biking. So they don't. They're not even really stopping while they biking.

[B]

I mean, they can't have too many people. How much can you carry on your back?

[A]

I know. And then don't you gotta cycle back and go get some mold? Like, where are you keeping the rest of them?

[B]

Yeah, it must have been back when we were more local economies.

[A]

I don't know. Right where they gave, like, each little kid a block or two and that's all you had to hit.

[B]

This is insane, but I remember my paper person growing up would. They had a station wagon and they. I mean, they had precision aim. They would be throwing it from the driver's seat through the passenger window, and it would land exactly where the fuck it needed to go. Yeah, they were great. They were fantastic. I honestly fantasized about doing their job because they were that good. I was like, that seems kind of cool.

[A]

It's like somebody who could have been an excellent, like, college quarterback, but, like, just didn't go to college. And I was like, I'm still use this rocket for an arm.

[B]

I mean it.

[A]

Cannon shooting out the paper. Little T shirt gun. I love that. I love it. So Blair says, anyway, the grocery store was acquired by a big chain on the east coast while I was there. So she back to the grocery store. Things started to change in the store, including the register systems, which were upgraded to fancy touch screens. To be honest, I was a little bit of a scammer and a petty thief already and realized pretty quickly that you can just set the register. Register to training mode and essentially look like you're cashing someone out, but not actually charging them at all.

[B]

I love a good computer. I love a good. What do they call that? What's the portal? Is it portal? A portal. I love a good pos. I knew it was something like that. The POS scheme. I love it.

[A]

I love that your register is constantly training people. They're like, did we get some new hires?

[B]

Right? I mean, let's see if Blair gets caught.

[A]

So realizing this, I told my mom and she got on board to scam to steal groceries. I know that's right. Like mother, like daughter.

[B]

That's Mrs. Trials.

[A]

Trial Trials. Mrs. Trials.

[B]

Mrs. Trial.

[A]

Witch Trials. Mrs. Trial. So Mrs. Trial was like, okay, bae, I'm gonna come to the grocery store while you're working. And I'm paraphrasing, but while you're working and we gonna run our little con. So she'd pile up her cart of shit and we would never buy because we were broke. So this is stuff that they would never even get. Like, we're talking, you know, no great value in this cart. No Kirkland brand in this car.

[B]

Signature, okay? They're getting the best of the best. None of that no frills bullshit.

[A]

Name, name, no equate, okay? We get. We getting that money. We get that Q tip. That's the brand. Love that. So she would get in my line and as soon as she was walking up to start checking out, I would switch the register into training mode. She'd pretend to use the card machine and I would her a fake receipt and send her on her way. I would go as far as to work the register closest to the office wall so that there were no cashiers, managers behind me that could potentially, you know, see that my mode was in training, right?

[B]

You can always play dumb. You can always play dumb, Blair, if you get caught. Only once, maybe twice.

[A]

Only once. I love that. Blair was also like, I'm gonna be right next to the door or the wall, so nobody can even be over my shoulder looking at my shit. I feel like Blair came into work and if somebody was on her register, she'd be like, Ms. Kathy, you need to move. And Ms. Kathy's the closest to the bathroom. You know, I got sciatica. And she's like, kathy, get your bitch back ass over to register 12.

[B]

Ms. Kathy, get your bitch face out of my seat. Okay? You're raggedy old dusty face, Take your cane.

[A]

Take your cane before I beat you

[B]

over the head with it. I swear to fucking God. I swear you don't fuck with the trials. Okay?

[A]

Okay. My mom's coming in. Love that. So Blair says I had a few motives here. One, I don't care about stealing from corporations at all. Happily look the other way when I see others doing it or even encourage it for as long as I can remember. Two, these were hard times for my family, and I was thrilled to be eating free crab legs for dinner at home. I know that's right.

[B]

She had the surfing toy for every day.

[A]

I love that. We were like, oh, you're getting name brands now? She's like, no, we're getting, like, coup de gras. We're getting oysters. We're getting.

[B]

We're eating like foie gras every night.

[A]

Caviar. Honestly, my stomach is getting a little upset by all the caviar.

[B]

Okay, I love that.

[A]

I love that. And then three, she says that my sense of risk had not yet developed. And I figured I'd have a good lie if I got caught. And you said that you were like, if she gets caught.

[B]

I feel like we both were psychically connected to Blair. Like, we just knew every twist and turn. I mean, yes. I feel so connected to her. Girl, I am so proud of you, Blair. I truly, truly. I mean, I just feel like. I love that you added in there, that, like, you know, y' all were broke, you know, and you gotta do what you gotta do because nobody should be broke in America. Okay? So I respect this.

[A]

Nobody should not be able to afford food.

[B]

Okay? That doesn't make. Especially if you working at a grocery store.

[A]

Exactly. They don't give y' all no hookup on, like, the expiries or nothing. In fact, I know they don't. The grocery store is, like, one of the number one causes of food waste, you know, in America, because they have, like, they lock their dumpsters and stuff if people want to dumpster dive. Because, you know, I got into dumpster dive TikTok, because they were going to, like, you know, the BJ's and all these stores, these big box stores, and they would go to their trash if it was unlocked, and there would just be brand new products in there. Like, if you get an advent calendar, like, you know, they have the wine of the day or something, you know, or snack of the day or whatever. If it's past the first, they throw the whole thing out.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah. So she was finding, like, they would find good stuff in the trash.

[B]

Yeah, people be finding crab legs in the trash, like, fresh on ice, like, literally still frozen.

[A]

And they don't give it to their employees, and they don't give it to food shelters. They just let it go to waste for capitalism, which is trash. Well, they're all glad that y' all are stealing.

[B]

It is capitalism. But they also say that it's cause, like, they don't want to get sued, which is capitalism. They don't want to get sued for, you know, someone eating some shit that goes bad, which is not. It's capitalism.

[A]

Because sometimes, like, the dumpster divers will be finding, like, whole bottles of dish soap. Like, whole boxes of full, like, unopened bottles of dish soap. You telling me that dawn was gonna go bad in the dawn?

[B]

I mean, listen, they have to put labels on shit. I'll never forget when I saw this thing that they had to put a label on. Like, the. Speaking of dish soap, it was like, lemon flavored dish soap. Not flavored. Lemon scented. And they put A label saying, like, you cannot eat this. And they did a whole story on the bitch who ate it. And that's why they had to do it. Cause she fucking was like, it's so, you know, I mean, she probably sued. And that's what I'm saying. Like, she sued. Cause she ate.

[A]

She was like. Y' all didn't say, I couldn't put this on my.

[B]

I said, it's lemon. I mean, I figured there was lemon in it. What the fuck?

[A]

Yeah. I said, I couldn't mix this in my cocktail. I ran out of real lemon. So I'm.

[B]

And yes, it has a deadly, you know, reaction to alcohol. And I drank it, and I woke up in a coma.

[A]

Okay, but that's your fault.

[B]

That's your fault. Okay. Yeah, so I see it. I mean, I feel like you could also just have, like, a disclaimer, you know, like, you don't even know.

[A]

I feel like there's a workaround there. Companies always find a way, but they're like, why would we put extra work into something that we're not gonna make a profit off of?

[B]

And they're inconclus that we won't care about them. In conclusion, capitalism ruins everything. We thought it was Adam, but it's capitalism. I don't know.

[A]

I love Adam.

[B]

I'm getting. I joked today. I don't know. I'm feeling myself.

[A]

I love it for you. So let's move on to the next one. Do you want to take this one? The landlord insurance scam.

[B]

Yeah. Who's this about? Let's have a name.

[A]

Johnson.

[B]

I love a first last name.

[A]

Yes, Johnson. And last name also Johnson, which is

[B]

also a first name of somebody's son who was named John. Anyway. Yeah. So this email is a cautionary tale. Ooh. About mold blooms and shitty landlords.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

What a hook.

[A]

I'm invested.

[B]

My husband and I moved cross country to the east coast during the pandemic and decided to save money by moving into a furnished basement apartment I found on Craigslist.

[A]

So basement apartment is like, you gonna live in my house. Right. Cause I've lived in a basement apartment, and it was just like living in somebody basement. But she did make it look like an apartment.

[B]

Yeah. So basement apartments can be in somebody's house, but it can also be like a duplex or two families. So it is. It really is built as an apartment.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But it's illegal thing.

[A]

Okay, wonderful.

[B]

There. No, there. Can I guess there? Yes, I'm sure there are basement apartments where you are just someone converted Their own house, basement. You have your own entrance. Yes, that does exist. But most bas apartments that I've experienced on the east coast were like, that's their purpose. They're legally built apartments in basements with one exit.

[A]

Love it.

[B]

That's above ground.

[A]

So death trap if there's a fire.

[B]

Yeah. And that's why it's illegal, basically.

[A]

And that's why it's cheaper. You gotta take those risks, like you may die, but also you have housing.

[B]

Listen, my friend, one of my good friends from college, she. After we graduated, she moved into a basement apartment in Jersey City, New Jersey. And I was like, you live a real good girl. It was so. It was nice. It was spacious. But the ceiling, very low. Very low.

[A]

I feel like if you live in a basement apartment, then when they give you your keys to the place, they should also give you like a couple fire retardant suits. You know, you're gonna have to run into fire a little bit.

[B]

Some fire extinguishers.

[A]

Just. Yeah. Spray this on your way out and then you can fight a few flames so you could get to the door.

[B]

That's fucked up. Also, there's places where, you know, basement apartments get flooded. It's like the places where, like, that flood a lot and people will be dying in floods. It's crazy. Like, you just fucked any. That's why they're illegal.

[A]

Give them a snorkel kit too.

[B]

I mean, if anything, they're gonna survive the apocalypse, right?

[A]

Yeah. If it starts raining down from above, you're in the safer spot. But all the natural disasters that are more common these days because we haven't had an apocalypse yet in a while.

[B]

In a while. It's been a while.

[A]

It's been a minute. Last one was the dinosaurs. We weren't here for that. I know they're somewhere waiting. They're like, y' all go get y'. Alls.

[B]

Literally. So there were red flags immediately when we moved into this basement apartment that we found on Craigslist on the East Coast. First, most cabinets in the place, including kitchen cabinets, were filled with memorabilia of the older owner's deceased ex husband. Mm. The landlord. Carol had divorced this man 20 years prior, but for some reason, we were living in a suburban shrine to him. Second, the basement bedroom was directly under the main house living room.

[A]

Now, was the divorce her choice?

[B]

Ooh.

[A]

Cause maybe then she comes down there, she strokes those pictures every night thinking about what could have been.

[B]

She's like, I can't get rid of him, but I just gotta put him in the Basement. That's how she talks. Cause she's from the East Coast. Okay.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Second, the basement bedroom was directly under the main house living room. This meant that during the day we heard the owner's weird fights with her son. And at night we heard her dog snoring. Ugh. Also, like, anytime they're walking around. Oh, and east coast homes be creaky. They be creepy.

[A]

Cause people walk hard. I feel like anybody who lives above somebody just puts on the heaviest boot and stomps around all day, all night.

[B]

People be heeled, toe walking. It's like dun, dun. You know, heels first, always.

[A]

They're up there doing the jig, the irish jig at 4am like, bro, lay down.

[B]

It's horrific. It's horrific. So the biggest red flag should have been when we noticed a tiny amount of green mold on the closet wall. I was grossed out, but I didn't think much about it. I wiped it with bleach and just assumed that in basement apartments you need to leave closet doors open for better airflow. Okay.

[A]

She's trying to make it work.

[B]

She's trying to make it work. And I get it. And we have to do that when we don't have a choice. The next day, we went to work and celebrated our one year anniversary. I had completely forgotten about the mold until I opened my closet door that night. Girl, you have never seen this much mold in 24 hours. The mold had like, ballooned. The closet was full of it. Jesus. And suddenly we started noticing mold in the bed and mold in the adjacent bedroom. Damn. What kind of super mo.

[A]

The bathroom. Yeah, it also like this super mold. You saw just like a little piece of. And you were like, hit it with the bleach. Hit it with the Mr. Clean. You know, that bald nigga who gets everything great. And you thought, okay, we have anniversary. We're celebrating. And you came back. And little did you know, the mold was celebrating too. Having a full fiesta, moving from room to room in the bed. The mold in the bed with y'. All. Like y' all having a threesome with mold, right?

[B]

The mold is the unicorn, by the way. Yeah. I've never heard mold grow. What is this, like a 24 hour period? Yeah, she said in 24 hours. I mean, I hope she. Maybe she'll give us some details on what kind of super strain this was. Cause I'm like, damn, that's real fast, girl. Cause if that's the case, then that means that the freaking landlord knew that shit, cleaned that shit up, and then

[A]

knew it was Gonna come? She was like, yeah, y' all gotta move in tonight.

[B]

Right now.

[A]

Right now, Right now, right now.

[B]

I can help you.

[A]

Yeah, I'll help you. Yeah. No, let's go get your stuff. I can't. Yeah, I ain't got no husband no more, so I definitely got time to help y' all move.

[B]

Let me get my son. Tony, get up. Get up. Let me get my son.

[A]

Go help us. That's what she was arguing with her son back. She's like, you know, we gotta get him in before the fucking M.O. comes. Tony, now. Help them get that couch downstairs.

[B]

We love an east coast landlady. Okay.

[A]

Comedy.

[B]

Her name is Carol. I mean, my God, can we get more east coast landlady than that?

[A]

No.

[B]

So we salvaged what we could with vinegar water. She coming with all the correct things. Bleach, vinegar water. She's.

[A]

She's like, this red is. Is too good. Okay. Yeah, we breathing in mesotheliomas, but we have a cheap roof over our heads. Come on, now. We working with you.

[B]

So we salvaged what we could with vinegar water, but had to throw away about a third of our belongings. Damn. Mostly expensive winter jackets, clothes, shoes, camping gear and blankets. Damn.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

The landlord told us that she felt bad and asked us to give her an itemized list of what we lost so that she could claim it on her homeowner's insurance and get us some money. Okay, Carol. Is she playing?

[A]

She playing? I don't know. I just ain't never heard a landlord say they feel bad for any tenants. I feel like most landlords would be like, well, just throw some plastic over it. You got a roof over your head, don't you?

[B]

Don't breathe into it.

[A]

We can fire retarded suits. Take shallow breaths. Here's some straws.

[B]

Breathe through these. Yeah, Okay, I get it. So let's see what she does. So we tallied everything up, trying to be conservative. Never be conservative when like that.

[A]

Right?

[B]

She ruined your shit with her mold.

[A]

Like, bro, you better be. Like, I had a Moncler jacket, several skis, girl. A brick of gold that now is defunct from the mold.

[B]

Okay, okay. So we tallied our items up, trying to be conservative, and estimated that we lost at least 2,000 big ones in belongings. As I write this email, I have no idea why we were so determined to be conservative. We literally. We're psychic today. Yes, guys, welcome to Psychic Confessions.

[A]

We'll do your tarot. We'll do your tarot.

[B]

Yeah, let us know. It's gonna cost a lot but we'll do it. Yeah. But anyway, after we gave her the list, she told us, by the way, quotes. By the way, if anyone from the. By the way, if anyone from the insurance agency calls, tell them you're my niece and nephew

[A]

who live in one bed in my basement.

[B]

Okay? So already big red flag right here.

[A]

Tell them your Game of Thrones niece and nephew.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And you live in my basement and you have sex, but you're also related to me.

[B]

Okay, thank you. You're from my evil sister.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Of Westeros. Okay, Just use that. It'll work.

[B]

At that point, I was so mentally and emotionally depleted, I outwardly said, sure, Carol. And inwardly thought, I am not doing insurance fraud with you. Okay? We never got a call from the insurance company, and we never got insurance money from Carol. I suspect that the claim went through and she kept the money. I don't think her homeowner's insurance covered her to lease out the basement, obviously. So I think she needed to pretend we weren't renters. I'm not mad. I mean, she did. She told you. Niece and nephew. Okay, yeah.

[A]

You should have known then.

[B]

Yeah. Like, come on, girl.

[A]

But she thought she was gonna get a cut. She was like, okay. Well, she was like, I'm gonna get my money, so. Okay, sure. I'm sure. Carol took that estimate and did what we said. Do it. And, like, made everything so much expensive.

[B]

She was like 10 billion. 10 billion.

[A]

That's how much she at least got. A smooth 6K.

[B]

Easy, easy. I would have easily tripled that.

[A]

Which is like, fucked up, Carol, because you could have gave them a little cut.

[B]

You could have given them their 2000 and you still would have made 60%.

[A]

Carol, you playing. You trusting that these people are nice too much. Because if somebody living in my basement and they become disgruntled, all they gotta do is come upstairs and beat my head over with a bat. I'm not playing those games. If you're gonna be an evil landlord, you gotta make sure you don't live on the property and definitely not in it.

[B]

Okay? Also, like, we don't even have to get violent. Literally. They can just call the city on you, ruin your shit, fuck all your

[A]

bags up real quick. Sent you with a lot of fines. All they gotta really do, Carol, is go to your neighbor house, your nosy neighbor who don't leave the house. Cause she on retirement. And just whis a little bit about how you doing some illegal shit. And that neighbor will take care of it for you.

[B]

That's it. That's it. She could literally go to the last payphone on the east coast and anonymously call the police department and narc on your ass. Come on, girl. So she continues. I'm not mad that Carol scammed the insurance company. And these days, I'm not so mad that I didn't get a cut of the insurance money. I mean, I wasn't the one who was willing to lie to an insurance company.

[A]

Now, I don't know why. That's where you draw the line, girl. You already living in an illegal basement apartment. You. You know that where you live is against the law. So you are already an active participant in a scam. So at least get yours. What you talking about? I don't want to defraud them. Fuck the insurance companies. Do you know that is a Ponzi scheme? Okay? If we all file for insurance at the same time, they will go bankrupt. Their hope is that you never need to use it and they just get to keep your money. It's literally a Ponzi scheme. So why wouldn't you get yours? It wouldn't be your fault anyway. You could have claimed plausible deniability to all of this and shit Carol's ass down.

[B]

And that's the other thing, too, literally. You could have went, if the shit hit the fan. You could have been like, I've never met this bitch before, and this is not my brother. You don't even have to do that.

[A]

You could have been like, hey, she's our landlord. We didn't know that this wasn't up to code and against the city rules. We trusted her. When, you know, the mold came out that she was gonna get us our. We thought it was all on the up and up.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, what's this girl's name again?

[A]

I'd be like, this is my brother.

[B]

Boyfriend, brother, cousin.

[A]

And what about it?

[B]

What's her name again? What we name her?

[A]

Uh. Oh, what did. Johnson.

[B]

Sorry, Johnson. Yeah, Johnson. Johnson. You know, I can't even. I'm not feeling this, John. I'm not feeling this. I just want. You gotta go for the fucking jugular. Come on. So let's just see what happens. Maybe there's a twist and these days. But also, my husband and I had both just gotten better jobs, so we were able to eventually replace everything lost. I really can't imagine this happening when I was broke. Fuck me. It's brutal in America.

[A]

And I just wanna pause there for a second, so. Y' all got better. You know the one thing I'm not hearing in here Johnson. You know one thing I'm not hearing. Johnson. And I think Priscilla's caught on it, too. I think y' all listening. Congregation. I think y' all caught onto it, too. You didn't move out. I'm not hearing. We packed our shit and we left. I'm not hearing. Toby helped us get the couch back up the stairs and into the U haul. You said y' all got better jobs. Did y'. All. When did y' all move? Yeah, you were really. And by the commitment that with the mold and everything beforehand. Sis, I'm sensing. Do you still live there? Johnson.

[B]

Johnson. Sis. Queen Johnson. Do you still live here? Also, doesn't this mold come back every 24 hours?

[A]

What happened to the mold? That's my second lingering question. Because you've never said the mold. The mold is out here sprinting like Usain Bolt through the basement. And did the mold ever stop? Did Carol at least get somebody to come out and fist fight the mold like Ghostbusters? Like, what happened to the mold? And where do you live?

[B]

Where do you live now? Cause you probably still live there now. I mean, shout out to you for getting a better job. I love a good, like, can find the silver lining and everything, but, girl, I'm angry about these silver linings, okay?

[A]

I think you could have found the silver lining and also got yours. Two things can be true. You can be an optimist, and you can also be pragmatic and be like, you gonna give me my motherfucking money for tricking us into this moldy ass basement. Cause Carol knew the mold was down there. In fact, I think Carol might have gone down there, fan the shit up. While y' all were celebrating your anniversary, y' all over here having a candlelight dinner, reminiscing, kissing over, you know, cheddar bay biscuits at the Red Lobster. Meanwhile, Carol, down in your apartment, fanning the flames of that mold and rubbing it all over your stuff so she could call the insurance company. She came up with that insurance company shit a little too quick for me. A little too quick. She was like. They were like, carol, we need you. She came down like, hey, I'm on the phone with Allstate. What's going on? Y' all got damages. Oh, that's what I figured. Okay, y', all tally that up.

[B]

That's weird. Cause I'm literally on the phone with Allstay right now.

[A]

Now I'm on hold. Cause they hold times is real long. I don't know that from experience, but so I probably got about 15 minutes before they pick up. So y' all go ahead and make that itemized right now.

[B]

Go ahead and take some pictures and scan those over to me. Cause I'm an old waiter. I still have a scanner.

[A]

And if y' all can't take no pictures real quick, don't worry about it. I already took.

[B]

Vinnie have some pictures on fire from the last.

[A]

Did y' all check the bed?

[B]

Oh, what's. Okay.

[A]

How did the mold get in the bed? Carol was down there spreading the mold, so Johnson says.

[B]

I do still get mad thinking about one detail. What? Just one. Just one detail. Johnson.

[A]

Which one? Johnson.

[B]

When the great molding happened. That's capitalized, by the way. We asked for our deposit and a rebate on the remaining rent for the month. When Carol eventually paid us our money, she docked something like $50. Yeah, Carol is fucking ruthless.

[A]

Y' all need to learn from Carol honestly. Study at her feet. Y' all should have been going upstairs and have a story time with Carol so that y' all can learn how to be this fucking savage. Because the audacity of Carol. Write the book.

[B]

Carol might have to go on our top scammers list.

[A]

Priscilla is crying.

[B]

I'm literally, literally crying, crying right now. Carol.

[A]

I just want.

[B]

I hope this was in Jersey. Cause I probably know Carol.

[A]

I want to know Carol. Carol called. Call us. We love you. We, Stan, you call us now. So something like $50.

[B]

1, 800 confessions. So when Carol eventually paid us our money, she docked us something like $50. Because I shit you not. Some of my command hooks tore up a little pain.

[A]

Carol. Some fucking nerve, dude. Honestly, y' all should have just beat Carol's ass because she purposely molded your shit. Then she collected hella insurance money more than you asked.

[B]

$1.7 million in insurance money.

[A]

Didn't give you a red cent.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And then had the nerve to try to dock you for some motherfucking command strips after she literally ruined your. Your marriage bed on the night that we know y' all definitely was gonna be fucking. Cause this is our anniversary. That's okay. That's when you gotta give the pussy up for a gift. Okay? You get it waxed, you put it in some nice lingerie, and you're like. Like. And now you can't even have sex. Cause unless you want the mold to be the third. Like, what?

[B]

I mean, if you get down like that, cool. But, like, you don't. What the fuck? So for context, she had a contractor literally tearing up that same wall trying to address the mold situation.

[A]

Wow. So she Charged you Also for some.

[B]

She was having the sledgehammer two days after she got her $50.

[A]

Oh, oh, I'm shaking like a leaf.

[B]

She says, I don't know why, but that's the most upsetting part. Yeah, you fucking right it is.

[A]

That's insult to injury. That's insult to ICU injury. She already had Molly whopped y' all ass. And then she was like, I bet I can get another $50.

[B]

Yo, she raked y' all over the. She destroyed you. This is our third season. This might be the hardest scam I've ever hear.

[A]

I mean, I will say the lady who was selling the tickets, remember the.

[B]

To the baseball.

[A]

Yeah, to the baseball team. That was, like, really bad. Yes. I loved her.

[B]

She was a queen. I think her name was Shirley. Maybe she was a queen.

[A]

Shirley. Shirley was a queen. But also, Carol, you're up there in the queen realm, hall of Fame. Because nobody has more audacity than Carol. And I love that she does have restraint. She was like, I'm gonna just take $50. Cause that's enough that they not gonna. They already pushovers. They not gonna get mad about extra 50.

[B]

And that's the thing. Y' all were push. Like, what's crazy is there was two of y'. All. Like, there's no way I could. It could be me and my husband or me and my roommate, whoever's. And, like, we wouldn't be amping each other up. Like, nah, we about to fuck Carol up the fuck. Like, how did two of you guys agree to get fucked up?

[A]

Y' all don't even know. Me and Priscilla used to be out on the curb plotting when we were organizing, like, groups and performances and stuff. Like, okay, how we gonna do this? How we gonna. Like, that was over stuff that we weren't. Not all of it, but some of it was just work stuff. We weren't even being wronged. I can't even believe that y' all let this. And listen, Johnson, this isn't judgment. This is, like, secondhand angst. We're agreeing with you.

[B]

Cause you called yourself out.

[A]

You're a good person, and you see the bright and everything, and I love that for you. Honestly, I'm trying to suck in some of that energy. Like, hocus pocus right now. Like, give it to me. Okay. I need to start seeing everything fuller. Like, I love your attitude, Johnson, but I just gotta say, Johnson, this is too much. She went too far. I want to send me her address. Me and Priscilla will pull up for you. You will go get that money back

[B]

in your behest, and we're going to get you interest. Okay?

[A]

Yes. How long has it been since you moved out? I'm glad at the end of this letter you did move out, because I was really stressed.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Because it didn't seem like you moved, but you did move when you got the better jobs, and I'd love that for you. You moved on up and you left this woman behind. But Carol needed to be stopped or at least reasoned with. You could at least got half.

[B]

Yeah, dawg.

[A]

You had all the cards in your pocket. And I get it. If you're living in someone's house, you're also not trying to beef with them because they also can come down and fuck your shit up. However, when y' all were moving out, when all your shit was out, but you still had keys, baby. That's when you pull up and are like, so I'mma call the city real quick and I'mma show them that we've been paying you to live here unless you go ahead and run us some of that insurance money that you got on fraud. I can also call the insurance company and tell them about the fraud that you did, since I am not a party and they never called me. So do you wanna give us our money or do you wanna go to prison? Those are your options.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, again, I just wanna say Johnson, like, you do have a pure heart. We'll give you that. You know, and we need more Johnsons in the world.

[A]

In the world.

[B]

We really do.

[A]

I don't know if Carol, you know, she is east coast landlord. Carol probably got a gun.

[B]

You know?

[A]

Like, I understand that Carol probably was giving big energy of, like, my son's in the mob. It's just my side hustle to buy cigarettes. You know? Like, I get that Toby's there. Toby seems like he might be her muscle because she was up there yelling at him. So you got to deal with. I understand that you might not have wanted to go up against this east coast family. Yeah. But I do just think that if you had moved, she didn't know where you moved to. And you called her and you was just like, hey, we're going to call the insurance company and let them know that you were engaging in fraud. And we're also going to let the city know that you're doing illegal housing. Unless you run us some money for this. And you also give us that $50 back here, too, for with. Bitch, don't do it in person, because you do it in person. Toby might Hit you over the head with a brick?

[B]

Yeah, 100%, cuz. Cuz it's like the thing is like you're not even shaking them down. She literally fucked your shit up. 2,000 in every way.

[A]

She spread mold all over that she definitely knew was there. And then she took the money that was supposed to be for you, cuz your shit got damaged. And then she charged you $50 on

[B]

top of that for a wall that she was knocking that she demolished 10 minutes after you walked out.

[A]

What the fuck she care about some command strips when all that shit is on the floor?

[B]

What a fucking. God damn it, Carol. You're a cunt, but I love you. Oh, man. Yeah.

[A]

I don't know. I'm on Carol's side on this one.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, sometimes, you know, I don't want to be, you know, I don't want to. Victim blame. But sometimes victim blaming feels right.

[A]

In this case, it feels perfect. But also, I'm a little curious about you too, Johnson, cuz why are you so willing to let all of this. Yes, hello. What have you done in the past that you was like, oh, this is my karma. It's cool. Like, who did you hit with your car? And then you kept driving?

[B]

Write us in, Johnson. Let us know the truth of why you.

[A]

We love you for this letter, Johnson. Literally perfect.

[B]

Oh, my God. Wow. I think.

[A]

Yeah. That brings us to end.

[B]

Oh, man. Guys, thank you so much for hanging out with us for yet another week. You know, I'm one of your hosts, Priscilla Davies.

[A]

And I'm one of your other hosts, Laci Mosley. And this has been confession. And then you can find me at D I V A L A C I D Valacy on all platforms.

[B]

You can find me Risthegoddess on all platforms as well. And you know, come find us on Patreon, y'.

[A]

All.

[B]

Come find us. Come see us at. Give us your money.

[A]

We only want a little bit. Scam Goddess. This has been an Earwolf production in association with Team Coco. Scam Goddess stars and is hosted by me, Lacey Mosley, AKA Scam God. Produced by Judith Garcbo. Engineered by Ryan Connor and Abby Aguilar. Our researcher is Kalyn Brandt. Stay scheming.