The Blazin' Embezzler with Brendan Scannell

Summary

Scam Goddess: "The Blazin' Embezzler" with Brendan Scannell

Release Date: March 16, 2021
Host: Laci Mosley
Guest: Brendan Scannell (Heathers, Bonding)

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Episode Overview

In this episode of Scam Goddess, host Laci Mosley welcomes comedian and actor Brendan Scannell to dig into the wild, true tale of Janice Carlson, a 73-year-old bookkeeper turned embezzler and (very dramatic) arsonist. The duo riff through the latest in everyday scams, their own scammy experiences from high school jobs, and the comedic absurdity of crimes both petty and flamboyantly desperate. The episode delivers a lively intersection of true-crime comedy, generational workplace grievances, scammy side hustles, and the performance of white-collar criminality.

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Key Segments & Takeaways

1. Scam Culture & Personal Scam Stories

Starts ~02:20

• Covid-era Medical Scams:
  Brendan opens with fascination for pandemic-era frauds, like inaccurate Covid testing startups (03:00):

  “All it takes is... people love just being told that you know how to do something. Like Elizabeth Holmes, the Theranos person…” —Brendan (03:54) Laci revels in the audacity of young scammers hustling government contracts for millions.

• Personal Scam Histories:
  Both share tales from former ice cream shop jobs, with Laci reading a listener-submitted scam from "Tabitha”—a 17-year-old who at Baskin Robbins learned to under-ring "hand-packed pints" and pocket the difference (06:14–10:21).
  Brendan recognizes the scam as “a big Cold Stone energy,” sharing workplace swap scams between teens (sandwiches, ice cream, even weed!).

• Ethics & Wages:
  Both argue that minimum wage jobs breed small-time scams and justify petty theft as workplace karma:

  “Y’all pay $7.25 an hour. I'm stealing something! … If I work at an office, I’m stealing staples!” —Laci (11:10)
  “I'm just going to print all my documents at the work printer.” —Brendan (11:43)

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2. Historic Hoodwink: The Blazin' Embezzler, Janice Carlson

Starts ~15:12

A comedic deep-dive into the episode’s main con:

The Scam:

• Who: Janice Carlson, 73, long-time bookkeeper at Saratoga Realty, San Jose
• Crime: Embezzled ~$580,000 over five years by issuing fraudulent company checks (18:08)
• Cover-up: Set the office on fire to destroy evidence, then claimed she was assaulted, tied up, stripped, and left in the burning office (20:32).

Key Discussion Points:

• Theatrics of the Crime:
  Janice’s over-the-top story (blindfolded, stripped down) is endlessly roasted:

  "She was telling this story like it was a YA novel… A strong man with burly hands ravaged me...” —Laci (25:32)
  “This sounds seductive for me… like she read this in an erotic book.” —Brendan (22:08)

• Attempted Alibi:
  Upon rescue, Janice immediately files for worker’s comp, hoping to double dip (24:12).
  Suspicious cops find no evidence of a real attack—the injury was self-inflicted (22:08–23:06).

• Investigator’s Perspective:
  Laci and Brendan act out a fake scene of Janice being confronted at work and panic-plotting arson (27:06).

• How She Got Caught:
  The arson pointed directly back to Janice via fingerprint and accelerant evidence. Desperate, she confessed everything:

  “She admitted making fraudulent payments and setting the fire to conceal [them]. Damn, Janice, you just sang like a stool pigeon.” —Laci (34:07) “Deny, Janice, deny!” —Brendan (34:10)

• Motivations & Sympathy:
  Both hosts empathize with Janice’s lack of retirement, her age, and the bleakness of senior poverty (35:03):

  “That's the real crime here, is that at age 73, you still have to be going into Saratoga Realty.” —Brendan (35:04)
  They lament her spiraling from petty fraud to self-sabotaging arson and (likely) prison.

Notable Quotes & Moments:

• “If you want to fake a robbery… but are you trying to tell me that a man came up to you, duct taped you, stripped you naked, and then began embezzling over four years time?" —Laci (24:40)
• “If you have to go to jail anyway, might as well sprinkle some arson in. Really make it cute for the girls.” —Laci (33:11)
• Brendan jokes he'll play Janice in a Lifetime movie:

  "I just bought the rights to Janice’s story." —Brendan (23:29)

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3. Scammer of the Week: Brandon—The Self-Kidnapping Tire Store Worker

Starts ~37:14

• What Happened:
  Brandon, an Arizona tire shop employee, faked his own kidnapping (belt, purple bandana, bound hands, staged by the train tracks) to get out of work—elaborate, but entirely unnecessary (40:51-49:06).

• The Ruse Unravels:
  Claimed "masked men" abducted him because his dad had “money in the desert” (like Holes). No injuries, texts, or evidence.

  “He was kidnapped by Armpit and one of the other characters from Holes.” —Brendan (51:19)

• Hosts’ Take:
  The duo riff on the old-timey flavor of the scheme, liken it to cartoon villainy, and question why Brandon didn't just call in sick:

  “What happened to sick? Maybe he had called in sick too many times—it was time to call in kidnapped.” —Laci (53:36)

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4. Candid Tangents & Memorable Banter

• Flirtation at doctors’ offices and the awkward power dynamic with hot medical professionals (46:19).
• Harrowing (and hilarious) stories about Laci’s own traffic stops, including being told to “blow on [an officer’s] hand” (44:02).
• The comedy of workplace perks and set life in Hollywood, “where people will bring you whatever you need so that you don’t walk away” (13:01).
• Ongoing references to the unique comedy of queer social and work cultures, sprinkled with personal anecdotes and classic Laci/Brendan sass.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Scam Culture & Teen Scams: 02:20–14:12
• Historic Hoodwink: The Blazin’ Embezzler: 15:12–36:52
• Scammer of the Week: Self-Kidnapping Brandon: 37:14–54:05
• Candid Banter / Tangents: Throughout; notable at 44:02 (Laci's cop story), 46:19 (doctor stories)

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Tone, Style & Final Thoughts

The episode is infused with sharp, irreverent humor, balancing true crime facts with playful skepticism and pop-culture references. Both host and guest are warm but acerbic, quick to improvise and self-deprecate. Laci’s catchphrase, “stay schemin’,” is matched by the duo's ongoing message: life is a hustle, scams are everywhere (sometimes necessary), and if you’re going to get caught—at least make it memorable.

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Memorable Quotes

• On Janice’s embezzlement:

  “Sometimes you gotta start your own 401K.” —Laci (18:24)

• On white-collar scam logic:

  “If you can cook the books, you can uncook the books.” —Brendan (27:06)

• On self-kidnapping:

  “Your job must be really bad if you would rather lay in a ditch next to the train tracks, out of the house.” —Laci (53:48)

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Guest Plugs

• Brendan Scannell:
  “Go watch Bonding on Netflix. … I’m trying to stay off social media right now, so don’t find me there.” (55:05)

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Closing

The episode closes with Laci’s call for listeners to submit their own “retired” scams, and the signature send-off to the “congregation”:
Stay schemin’, Scam Goddess!

Transcript

[A]

Scams cuns. Robbery and Frauds. Scams ca. Robbery and frauds. Scam Goddess. What's poppin, congregation? Hallelujah. We're back on this sanctified and saved Tuesday for another episode of Scam Goddess podcast, the podcast that's ded to robbery, fraud, cons, all those things of the like. And it's also a comedy show. Have y' all picked up on that yet? All right, guys, it's me, Lacey Mosley, AKA Scam Goddess. And as always, I'm. What? Yes, I'm excited. I'm thrilled, I'm fucking elated for our guest that we have today. You have seen him in the reboot of Heathers, and if you didn't see him in that, honey, you definitely saw him playing Pete Devon in the Netflix dark comedy Bonding. Okay, let's get you da dun. Okay. We a da dong king in the house, honey. Yes. Guys. Brendan Scannel. Yes. Did I say your last name correctly? Because it's. Yes. Okay, great, great, great.

[B]

Because I don't know what a da dong. What's a da dong king?

[A]

Yes, Da dong. The king of da dong.

[B]

But then I was that, like, da dongs.

[A]

Oh, God. Maybe. See, I wasn't even going there. Brendan. You took it there. I was talking about the da dung. Hi, Brittany. How are you?

[B]

I'm good. Happy Friday.

[A]

Yes. We are recording on a Friday. I love a good Friday recording. I feel very loose and relaxed, like I have a real job, as if tomorrow means something to me.

[B]

Oh, yeah, it totally doesn't. All I did today, I got a rapid test and came back neg love. So I can enter this weekend and do nothing.

[A]

Yes. Do you know that that's actually something that's risen on dating profiles now? People are putting if they're vaccinated or when. Their latest COVID test was. I was okay.

[B]

Ooh.

[A]

Yeah, the dating apps are. Everybody's trying to advertise themselves as, like, the best candidate possible.

[B]

I mean, that's how. That's how it's kind of always been on the. The LGBT dating apps, you know?

[A]

Oh, they've always had their stuff up. Yeah.

[B]

I mean, you know, people want to know your status and that sort of thing.

[A]

That's true. That's true. Understood. Well, now everybody's doing it, and I appreciate that because they should be. Yes. Wait, okay, so do you have any relationship with scams? Like, have you ever been scammed? Do you like scams? Do you hate scammers? It can be anything.

[B]

I mean, I feel like this is such a moment of scam in our culture, you know, so I'm a big fan of, you know, medical scams. I was really into the idea that all of LA had these Covid tests at Dodger Stadium for like six months, basically. And you would go and you'd drive through and they would test you. And it was this company started by this 25 year old, obviously. And then six months into it, we find out that those tests aren't accurate and haven't been accurate for the past six months. So, like, people are like going on trips based on their Dodger Stadium COVID test. People are seeing their families. I saw my family. And of course it's like some 25 year old who knows somebody at city hall and got a $100 million contract for his little startup. So very interested in that sort of like dropout. Somebody pretending they know how to do something. And because we all know nothing about medicine, we're like, yeah, sure, I love those too.

[A]

We actually just talked about one of those with Deanna. On a different episode, a 22 year old in Philadelphia just started vaccinating people and everybody was like, okay, who are these people? I don't know, but I love them. I love that they have the audacity and the gall to be like, oh, a global pandemic. Let me get involved, let me get my coins up. I love it.

[B]

All it takes is like, people love just being told that you know how to do something. Like Elizabeth Holmes, the Theranos person, was just like, yeah, we can test all your blood, I guess, with one little prick. And she got a billion dollars for

[A]

it for making something tiny. I loved her tiny thing. It was just very tiny and a secret. It's the perfect scam. I live for it. So, yeah, okay, I like, I like. You're like an enterprise scammer. You like somebody who's getting in an industry and just completely making up their whole career.

[B]

Yeah, I'm like a Bernie Madoff type scam person. Like, yes, I have all your money. It's right here. I haven't been spending it on boats. You know, that's what I do, right?

[A]

Chill, chill. Don't worry about my new plane. It definitely is not none of your money. Okay? Would you like to give some more? Like, oh, I love those. I'm also obsessed. Well, guys, let's get into it. Our first segment here is called what's hot and fraud. This is where we warn our listeners about popping frauds on the streets. Or we get a listener letter and let you guys snitch on your friends and family. As always, if you wanna snitch, just make sure you're scammin is retired and email it to scamgodesspodmail.com we love to hear it. So I need a fake name, Brendan, for this person. We don't care about gender on this show, so it can be anything.

[B]

Tabitha.

[A]

Tabitha. Ooh, I like Tabitha. That reminds me of my favorite Tabitha, which is Ms. Tabitha, the black lady who just says encouraging things in a velvety voice. Everyone's auntie. Have you heard Ms. Tabitha?

[B]

No.

[A]

Oh, you gotta get into Ms. Tabitha. She be on TikTok and she on Instagram and she'll just be like, hey, baby, you're doing great. And I'm like, thanks, thanks, Ms. Tabitha.

[B]

She's like ASMR. Tabitha, yes.

[A]

She's a queen, but I'm also managing her. If that's not clear.

[B]

She is available for live shows. She's vaccinated.

[A]

Right. I do all of her bookings and all of her payroll.

[B]

So yeah, she's doing drive in Miss Tabitha at the Rose bowl next weekend.

[A]

Yo, drive in Ms. Tabitha. I'm weak. They have those drive in strip clubs. What y' all don't have to do?

[B]

That's just not a culture I'm dropped into.

[A]

You don't wanna get out there and support the strippers in your vehicle.

[B]

I'm supporting drag queens in my vehicle. That's about all. That's about as far as I can support. Drag queens are sort of strippers.

[A]

Yeah, at times they do strip and also their wardrobe is very intense.

[B]

So we'll take it's burlesque adjacent, which I think we're all in the burlesque umbrella here.

[A]

That's very true. So Tabitha says, okay, this is such a minor and petty scam, but I was a savvy 17 year old. The year was 2007. Oh, okay. I like this. Like the year.

[B]

Take me back 2007.

[A]

The place, senior high school and I worked part time at Baskin and Robbins. Is Baskin and Robin two people?

[B]

I thought it was just Baskin Robbins.

[A]

I always thought it was Baskin and Robbins. She put a dash here, so it's still very unclear.

[B]

Slash. Oh, Baskin. Slash. Robbins.

[A]

Baskin and his homeboy Robbins or Dash Robbins.

[B]

Like, it's like a last name of two people who didn't know their names.

[A]

Yeah, they have a dash. So I'm not sure, but it's giving Batman and Robin, like, it's like Baskin and also Robin. I don't know. But so she said she was robbing Baskin and Robin, and I love to hear it. So the person who owned the store was super old and refused to update technology. We used our credit card machine that was basically from the 90s, and it was detached from our register and hooked up. Damn landline. A mess. I've actually worked with one of those before. I bartended in New York City with one of these where you had to write tabs down and just stick them on top of the credit card and then close everyone out at the end of the night.

[B]

Oh, like a little, like, swipey thing?

[A]

No, like a little, like, we just stuck your credit card on this rail at a bar, and then we put a piece of paper on top of it with all the drinks you ordered. And then at the end of the

[B]

night, we charged it.

[A]

Yes, on an old timey charging machine.

[B]

Interesting. I worked at a Cold Stone for, like, three years in high school, and I was, like, a very much a wizard at the cash register. But, yeah, it was not attached to a phone. It's updated.

[A]

Okay, that's cute. So wait, Cold Stone, was that, like. Is that where the girls, like, scrape the ice cream with the little paint thinners, and then they flip it, cook

[B]

it in, you scrape it, you put it on a cold sheet, and you add, like, Kit Kats and stuff, and you charge people, like, $14, which was a big scam. People would be like, it's how much? And this was in Indiana, which is like, you know.

[A]

Whoa. Yeah, that's way. That's way.

[B]

I came in here for a scoop of butter pecan, because that's how they said pecans, pecans. And they're like, this is $100.

[A]

I just love the image of you, Brendan, like, over here giving them a real show, like, chop, chop, chop, flip, flip, flip. And they're like, that'll be $40.

[B]

I was, like, manager of that place. I was running that place. Me and a bunch of high school girls who were on the soccer team and me and we ran the Cold Stone, basically, in Valparaiso, Indiana.

[A]

Wow. It sounds like. The way you're making it sound, sounds like you were like, we ran the cold skullstone.

[B]

We did. Yeah, we ran the sang.

[A]

You sang?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I wish I could have visited this Cold Stone. So they were using their Boulevard credit card machine. One night, when I was closing with another teen worker, she taught me a trick. A trick, you say?

[B]

Okay, that sounds like it's gonna be a scam, right?

[A]

What kind of trick is this? A legal one. That's what I'm start calling scams tricks. What you talking about? We just did a little magic trick and your money went away. What's wrong?

[B]

Just turning tricks. Stealing?

[A]

Yes, yes. So whenever a customer bought a hand packed pint and was paying cash, six, seven dollars, something like that, she would pack it and pretend to ring it up, but really ring in a kid's cone. That way she could make the change and enter the sale. Then she'd take the extra 5 dol and put it in our tip jar. We got really good at this scam. We only did it with paints because there was no way to trace the inventory cones. We had to count.

[B]

Okay, wow, that sounds familiar.

[A]

Right? We also had two other minor scams going. The teen boys at the Quiznos across the street would trade us sandwiches for ice cream. And we, of course, hooked up our friends whenever they came in. The final scam was trading ice cream for weed, which I'm proud to say my dorky ass never did. Love the show. Okay, so you didn't do it, but somebody else was selling.

[B]

That's so familiar. We also had a Quiznose across from the Cold Stone, and they would bring in stuff and we would give them stuff. One time a guy got fired, and as he was being fired, he stole like a whole thing of ice cream. Like a huge container of it. But it's like, where do you put that, Josh?

[A]

I'm proud of him. That's the pettiest thing. How you gonna just try to roll out a bunch of.

[B]

Stick it to the franchise owner. Stick it to the franchise.

[A]

Cause I'm taking this vat of ice cream. I don't know. I love that for him, though. Okay, Josh, we see you king. I feel like this is a fun scam. Seems like you had a crotchety, mean boss and took a couple.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, you can't trust. She sounds like a teenager. You just can't trust teens to run your business.

[A]

No, no. And that's the thing about minimum wage. It's like, y' all don't want to pay people a living wage. So teenagers who have their income, for the most part subsidized by the families that they live in, y' all pay them shit. They should rob you hire an adult. Right. I keep telling people like y', all, I don't understand why people are mad about minimum wage going up when really maybe your theft will go down. Because y' all get robbed. You pay a 725 an hour. I'm stealing something. I don't care where I work. If I work at an office, I'm stealing staples, those little tiny tax. I'm gonna steal that stuff that you use. Instead of licking the envelope, I'm gonna rub it on all my home envelopes. Like, I'm taking them.

[B]

I'm just gonna print everything. All my documents at the work printer.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I worked at an accounting firm in college randomly, and I. Yeah, I was supposed to. I had this huge scanning job that I was supposed to, like, scan all their files into documents, and I would just show up and, like, scan a file, check Reddit, do nothing for, like, six hours. And then I'd be like, well, bye.

[A]

I love this for you. I mean, that's what you're gonna get. When you don't pay people, why should they care? I would do the same thing, but for real, I'm gonna steal anything that's not nailed down. If you're not paying me enough, I don't even care if I need it. I might steal it, walk out the door, throw it in the trash. I just don't.

[B]

So working from home, or you're just, like, stealing your own?

[A]

Whenever I get to go to somebody else's office, I'm taking things. I literally went to Sweetgreen yesterday, and I took 40 straws.

[B]

I'm gonna recycle these, right?

[A]

I need straws for my matcha lattes.

[B]

Wait, so when you're, like, shooting on a set, you know, are you somebody who, like, at lunch adds extra. Puts a little bit extra food away to, like, take home for dinner? Is that your vibe?

[A]

See, I don't like carrying shit. One of my co stars did that all the time on my last job. But I will ask for certain snacks to be in my fridge, and then I'll be like, yeah, for me as well. That's where I'll. That's my grift, for sure.

[B]

It's like a weird job where for a little bit of it, like, people will bring you whatever you need so that you don't. Basically, it's not even, like, a classist thing. It's so you that don't walk away. Cause if you walk away, they have to find you. And if they have to find you, it's annoying. So they. Basically, it's like you feel like you're being waited on, but you're just like a baby, right?

[A]

You're also a child prisoner. Basically. They're like, give the prisoner some juice so she'll shut up so we can get this take set up. I know what you mean.

[B]

She needs to Come play pretend. She needs to be in a good mood to play pretend, right?

[A]

I've had the most ridiculous thing I think I've ever had someone bring me on a set was we were shooting on location, and one of my contacts just fucking was like, bye, girl, we're done. See you next time. And so someone had to go hit up a friend of theirs who was an optometrist, get my prescription, and bring me a contact on set. Fucking eyeballs.

[B]

The scammiest thing I ever did was for Heather's. They wanted me to shoot these, like, this whole promo recap series, and it was gonna be just me. And I was like, well, are you gonna pay me? And they were like, no. And that really pissed me off. And then so when I showed up to do it, because I, at the time, thought you had to do everything a network asked you to do, which scam. You don't.

[A]

You don't.

[B]

You really don't. And so they were like, okay, does Brendan have any crafty requests for food? And I said, I only want Moon Juice. So everything on set that day at Viacom on Gower in the basement of Viacom in Hollywood was just like a full spread of Moon Juice. And they did it.

[A]

Oh, my God, that's amazing. And for you guys who don't know what Moon Juice is, Moon Juice is some expensive as hell as scammy ass juice. Every time I go in there, I see common notes. I'll be like, hey, Moon Juice. This with the celebrities drank.

[B]

It's very like, activated charcoal almonds for $40.

[A]

Mm. And then you don't feel no different after you drink that shit. You know what? You feel a little lighter. Cause you're a little broker.

[B]

No, I think it gives you all. Gives you diarrhea.

[A]

We love that in la.

[B]

We love that it makes you lose weight, right?

[A]

I mean, technically. As always, though, my disclaimer is that we do not endorse harmful ways of losing weight. We are not fat phobic. But if y' all see me selling some Skinny Tea, mind your business, okay? I always tell people that at some point in my career, I wanted to sell Skinny Tea on fit on Instagram.

[B]

That's like a. That's like not gender things. That's like a girl Instagram ad type thing that doesn't show up in my algorithm. Like, all my ads are like, hey, do you want this pair of sweats? And it's a close up of a man's crotch in the sweats, you know, like, it's like, oh, Maybe I do need some more shorts that are just a photo of a man's butt.

[A]

Look, gray sweatpants are lingerie for men. I hope that every man has a pair and they let that thang right now. Yes. Yes, Brendan, we love to see it. And you gotta let that thang thang sometimes. Yes. Scamps. C. Guys, it's time for Historic Hoodwinks. If this is your first time listening to the show, this is when I will regale Brendan with a famous con caper, con artiste, and we'll get his opinions all throughout. Talking about somebody that I think I fuck with. We never know. Sometimes we don't fuck with a scammer. But this is Janice. Excuse me. Her name is Janice. I put a lot of seasoning on that Janice. I said Janice. Alice.

[B]

I don't know any Janices. So I do

[A]

like Janicia. That is not her. Her name is Janice, but I'm gonna call her Janicia. So Janicia is a 73 year old bookkeeper and she's been charged with stealing a million dollars from her employer and then attempting to cover up the crime by setting her office on fire. Wow.

[B]

Maybe she is a Janie.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Okay, that's a Janice. That is a Janice.

[A]

She's not a Janiece. She's definitely a Janice. She's got the Janis haircut.

[B]

That is like the haircut that every boy has right now because they can't go to a barber, right?

[A]

Oh, damn. Here's the thing about Janice is I really want to root for her, but her face is giving me strong, like, call the manager. Like she's called.

[B]

She looks like all of my female family members. She looks very like, giving me these Irish Catholic fairness, blue eyes, a blonde, something.

[A]

What we call that a bowl. Is that a bowl cut? She's got some sideburns.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. It's giving Pyrex. The haircut is giving Pyrex bowl, but okay. Okay, Janice. So let's see.

[B]

I like that she has a mask, right?

[A]

She did have a. Y', all. She had a mask on. I wonder if she wore it for the fire.

[B]

Hmm.

[A]

She puts it.

[B]

I don't think that medical mask does anything. She's gonna need like a K90 whatever, right?

[A]

K95. Ew. Yes. So the backstory. Janice Carlson lives in San Jose and worked at Saratoga Real estate company for decades. However, she allegedly embezzled and stole money from 2014 through 2019. Five years on the GR.

[B]

Amen. She started late in her life. She was like, where's my retirement fund? Listen, no 401k, no pension at Saratoga, I'll tell you that, right?

[A]

She probably started looking at her savings and said, oh, it's time for crime. And I love that for her, truly. You gotta make your own 401k sometimes. So an investigator said she would issue checks from her employer to pay off personal credit cards, her personal home loan account, and her son's home loan account. Okay, so we're.

[B]

Okay, so she's spreading the wealth.

[A]

She took care of her baby. We love a supportive mother. You know what I mean? It is Women's History Month. Shout out to the women.

[B]

At that point, he seems like he's probably like in his 40s, so.

[A]

Right? Oh, yeah.

[B]

Struggling. Can't overbought. A lot of people over buy.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

And houses and shit, they buy too much house.

[A]

Yeah, you're right about that. Maybe I also find it funny that she was like. Like, she's showing up to the bank, she's showing up to Chase, you know, credit, debit. And she's like, here's your check, girls. And they're like, okay, this says Saratoga Realty on it. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's. That's my company. I'm Saratoga. That's my name. That's my other name.

[B]

Saratoga.

[A]

It's hibernated.

[B]

Yeah, Saratoga, she's got an S corp. You know, we're all committing just a little bit of fraud through our S Corps, right?

[A]

Just a smidge, you know, for taste. I do fraud to taste. I'm like, mm, this tastes like enough. Fraud.

[B]

Like, this peloton is a business. Exactly. Expense.

[A]

It is. Technically.

[B]

Technically, it's research.

[A]

Nah, it's research. I do everything for research. So if I buy any movie, if I go see any play, hell, if I get my car washed, I'm like, that was research. I have to play a role as a car washer, so I need to watch them wash my car. I love a good. I love a good tax scam. The flavor. So how she did it. On the morning of November 4, 2019, Janice arrived to work around 7:30am this is.

[B]

Wow. Exactly.

[A]

Love it. She's punctual. Look, you can't be late and robbing the business, okay?

[B]

Gotta be there first, right?

[A]

You all the time. They ain't asking no questions. She told police that after re entering the office, she remembered an unknown assailant coming up from behind her, duct taping her eyes. And her mouth is closed and stripping her body down to her underwears before her knees. The place on fire.

[B]

Okay, now, so did they find her like that? Cause how did she do. How do you do that by yourself?

[A]

Questions that need answers. I mean, you can tape your mouth and then your eyes, and then I bet if you, like, really rolled around on some duct tape, you could probably get it around your wrist. And you do your ankles first, hands last.

[B]

Right. So she's saying she showed up to work at a real tea party, a realtor's company. Okay, so not a place where money is held in any sort of vault. And somebody tied her up and lit the place on fire.

[A]

Mm. That's what she said. That's what she said that had happened to her. And they stripped it down too. They didn't Nothing salty happened, but for some reason, they did not want her to wear her clothes, which I feel like that's just. She watched too many movies, and she

[B]

was like, yeah, she's been watching too much Fatal Attraction.

[A]

What else? What else they call Cooked my rabbit? They also cooked my rabbit on the stove, y'. All.

[B]

Janice definitely has a bunny, right?

[A]

She definitely has a bunny who got cooked on this day. So reports say that she did not have a memory of anything else related to the assault until she was awoken by fire sprinklers and being helped by the firefighters.

[B]

This sounds seductive for me. Like, I'm getting deeply. Like, she read this in an erotic book.

[A]

It's a little horny. It's a little horny, right? It's giving Shonda Rhimes. It's giving Bridgerton. Like, the firemen pick you up, and then, I don't know, y' all have a romp, and in flames. I don't know. Is that happening?

[B]

There's nothing like just having sex surrounded by fire.

[A]

The carbon monoxide really adds to the sexual experience. So, yes, very horny. This description and this setup. So after Janice was rescued, she was treated for a cut to the back of her head and a broken nose. Okay. Commitment. So, Janice, did you hit yourself with a bag of oranges? Cause that's what it is. Oranges. I don't know. Or like, she had to hit herself in the back of the head, too. Was she just in there rocking back and forth in the corner, just hitting the nose, hitting the head.

[B]

You hate that moment for Janice where she's like, just fucking do it, Janice.

[A]

You got a. Who's hyping herself up? You've been stealing money, you stupid bitch. This is perfect. Brendan, that voice is absolutely perfect. That's definitely Janice.

[B]

I have been pinned. I'm auditioning for Janice. I just bought the rights to Janice's story.

[A]

Honestly, you should. This would be a great role for you, Brendan. Seriously. Because I definitely see her this way. And she's probably just like, my son needs this money.

[B]

A real left turn for Brendan.

[A]

Right. They were like, wow. Yeah. So he went from bonding on Netflix. Yeah. He's in a Lifetime movie called Janice and the Horny Fire.

[B]

Is it Janice or Janiece?

[A]

We call her Janiece, but it is Janice. But I feel like it's Janice or Janiece in the Horny Fire. Sorry, Brendan.

[B]

Why?

[A]

I want this for you. Let's make it happen. So soon after being released from the hospital, she immediately filed for workers compensation and injury benefits, you know, as you

[B]

do next day doing the paperwork. Why wouldn't it be suspicious not to?

[A]

Right? That's absolutely what she should do. So deputies became suspicious of the crime when they noted that nothing had been taken from the scene and later documented the embezzlement. So.

[B]

So did the lighting it on fire lead to them finding about out about the embezzlement? She cook her own book?

[A]

Literally, she physically cooked the book like it was stir fry. But I wonder if she knew that people were about to catch on or something. But here's my thing, Janice. Okay. If you want to fake a robbery. Yes. Go the fire direction. Absolutely. But are you trying to tell me that a man came up to you from behind, duct taped you, stripped you naked, and then began embezzling over four years time? He was like, what's your password, you old bitch? And then he was like, yes, I'm gonna embezzle so many checks over the next four years, girl, I'm always curious

[B]

about, like, these people's not to talk about it, but acting skills, like, when they're being interrogated, you know, it's like, ugh, you know what? He wrapped the duct tape around my eyes before, so, you know, I really couldn't get a good look at him.

[A]

Right. I don't know.

[B]

I don't believe it. I don't believe it.

[A]

I also feel like she was telling this story like it was a YA novel. Like, I feel like she sat down and they were like, would you like some coffee? And she was like, no, no, I'm fine. So what happened was a strong man with burly hands ravaged me. First he took my eyes, then my mouth.

[B]

Like, he stripped off my pants from Delia's, my blouse from Marshall's, and as

[A]

it cascaded to the floor, I thought, is he gonna kill me? Like, ma', am,

[B]

ma', am, I Am wet.

[A]

Right. She thought she could distract them with how horny it was. Cause. Yeah. Why are they breaking into the Saratoga Realty? Not stealing anything, stripping you naked, and setting the place on fire like. Sis, the math ain't math, It's. We need some more maths.

[B]

No motive. There's no motive here.

[A]

Right. The only person who has motive is you. So, you know, something didn't add up. Makes sense. And the case was immediately classified as a suspicious circumstance rather than an assault and kidnapping. So, damn, my good sis, Janice didn't even get away for a second.

[B]

Uh, I'm telling you.

[A]

Authorities quickly ruled out any public threat. So this is how she got caught. Apparently, it wasn't long after Janice was confronted with an accounting irregularity that the office had been set on fire. So, just like we were saying, like,

[B]

girl, this is an impulsive move. If you can cook the books, you can uncook the books.

[A]

You know, I think we actually have some transcript right now from that actual conversation that happened at Janice's workplace. Hey, excuse me, Janice, could you come in here?

[B]

Yeah, what is it, Bill?

[A]

Hey, Janice. So I just want to talk to you about some checks that we got. It was a little suspicious.

[B]

Oh, my God. Where's my lighter?

[A]

Wait, Janice, wait. Why are you looking for your lighter? Wait, one moment. We just want to figure out why Saratoga Realty is making personal payments directly to European Wax Center. It looks like several waxes. In fact, a year package was purchased with a check from Saratoga Realty.

[B]

Sorry, Bill. I thought you said you liked a landing strip.

[A]

No, no, no, no. We were talking about a home that we have that has a landing strip for a private plane. Yeah. Okay. Seems like a simple mistake. Yeah. You can go back to your office, Janice.

[B]

Oh, thanks. I actually don't have an office. I sit out in a cubicle just out in the. You know, the bullpen.

[A]

Okay, yeah, you can go back there. You can go back there.

[B]

Okay, thanks.

[A]

All right, well, that's up to me.

[B]

I gotta call my son. I gotta call my son on his landline that I pay for.

[A]

Oh, my God. That's a little. So that's what happened, guys. That was real live footage from Janice getting caught. And then, ironically, the office got set on fire. Weird. Bizarre. So investigations found that Janice had already allegedly stolen more than $44,000 from her employer. That's not even that much.

[B]

That is not that much. I'm sorry. Ever? How many years?

[A]

Wait a minute, though. So it's over five years. But that's the first discovery, right? Is the 44k more fraud was also discovered that allegedly involved Janice totaling more than $580,000 from multiple other financial institutions. Because remember, this is real estate. So they're working with a lot of banks. They're working. You know what I mean? They're closing these deals. So as for Janice's assault and injuries, investigators said they appear to have been self inflicted shocker as detectives found no evidence suggesting she was working with an accomplice. I don't know, maybe she had her son hit her a couple times. He had to do something. He had to earn.

[B]

His key isn't there. Did she burn the cameras down?

[A]

That would be wise. Let's see. It says that Janice's thumbprint was also found on a piece of unspecified arson evidence.

[B]

I don't know what a lighter, you

[A]

know, unspecified arson evidences. You know what those are? Evidence also showed that Janice herself had used an accelerant to light the fire.

[B]

Like gasoline or Ritalin or, you know, acetone.

[A]

You know, I don't know anything about starting fires, but you know something.

[B]

A nail polish remover.

[A]

You know how the girls do. I'm very curious. Okay, so what was her hope with lighting the fire? That maybe the computer would catch fire and then all her embezzlements would be gone?

[B]

I don't know. She has to know that everything is in the cloud, right?

[A]

It's the most terrifying place in the world, the cloud.

[B]

I think this is just pure desperation, honestly.

[A]

The cloud is the reason I don't send nudes to people. Like, I once had a guy ask. Well, guys have asked me for nudes or girls too, but I don't send nudes. But one time a guy kept asking me for nudes. So finally I drew a picture, like a stick figure with some titties and then I put a real picture of my face on the top. So I was like, here you go. Like the colors everywhere.

[B]

Hope you never get hacked for that.

[A]

Right?

[B]

People will be like, lacy is a freak.

[A]

It's worse than a nude. They're like, what is she into?

[B]

She's got a child's drawing of a

[A]

huge set of titties and her real face, like haphazardly photoshopped onto it. Yes. That's when you see that I have real problems. Robbery and fraud. So let's talk about Janice and her time. Time for her crime. So the Santa Clarita district attorney's office said that Karlstrom will be arraigned on arson, grand theft, workers compensation fraud, and filing a fake police. Damn. They threw the Whole library at my sis.

[B]

Wow. Even the workman's comps.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

That should get wrapped into the COVID up crime, you know, right?

[A]

Come on.

[B]

If I was her public defender, because she does not have the money to pay for a defender, right? I'd be like, judge, come on now. Look at Janice.

[A]

Don't do this to her, Janice. Show him your sad face. Like, yeah, like, what is Janice really gonna do to society? Like, she's a feeble older woman. Let Janice live. Also, y' all didn't have to throw this many books at Janice. They done threw the whole fucking Harry Potter series at her. They was like, in the prison. And also this one.

[B]

And like, God damn, book seven split in two.

[A]

Like, this. A lot of books. I mean, J.K. rowling is a terf. Boo. But they threw a lot of books at my sis. So. Over the past year, the sheriff's office said they collected evidence indicating that Carlstrom Janice was embezzling hundreds of thousands of dollars from her employer. With the latest estimate being around more around like the 580 that we thought. Okay, that's not bad.

[B]

That's a good amount. It's not crazy. It shows somebody who's like, you know, I'm only gonna take a little bit each year. You know, pad the books, but not, like, take the whole book, right?

[A]

I mean, 100k a year is a big pad.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I still love it for her. Honestly, I don't understand why she would draw more attention to herself by making this fucking fire. Like, bitch, just move. Move towns. Change a name, get a haircut.

[B]

Definitely get a new haircut.

[A]

A wig. Give us a wig moment. Okay, but burning down the office just seems very counterproductive.

[B]

But that's definitely, like, she's deeply unwell at that time. Like, not feeling great, right? Nervous, like, imagining Janice right before just being like, I can't believe I'm about to fucking do this.

[A]

Right? She was probably.

[B]

She'd already been in a life of crime, though. Yeah, sure, panic. Definitely panic.

[A]

And she was about to get discovered and maybe have to go to jail anyway. So if you have to go to jail anyway, you might as well sprinkle some arson in, you know, really make it cute for the girls.

[B]

Mm. She's like, I might as well just die in jail. I have no retirement.

[A]

That's true. Jail is a bad retirement plan. But they will house you and feed you.

[B]

There's a library sometimes, right?

[A]

You go to White Collar jail. They have, you know, cricket. You know, you can make a sweater Cricket. The White Collar Jail is cute. Martha was living cute up in there.

[B]

They're like, welcome to white collar jail where you are British.

[A]

Everyone's automatically British. It's just what happens in white cooler jail. Yes, I'll. Jealous.

[B]

Okay, come through. Accents.

[A]

Thank you. Thank you. My special skills. So when Janice was interviewed by a detective, she admitted making fraudulent payments and setting the fire to conceal the. Damn Janice. You just sang like a stool pigeon.

[B]

Goddamn. Deny, Janice, deny.

[A]

You were supposed to get in there and do the shaggy. It wasn't me. Like you're just supposed to get in there.

[B]

No, she did not hold up to scrutiny.

[A]

No, not at all. She also confessed to making up the story about being assaulted by the unknown suspect. Okay. I hope at least your son did the punching or something. Like he had to do some kind of work for this. I felt like she was doing all the work and the son wasn't.

[B]

With her own damn nose. Didn't have to do that.

[A]

He at least better be doing some dishes if he wasn't breaking her nose and helping her out.

[B]

You know they're taking his house right now.

[A]

Damn. They are, huh? Cause they know about it. Oh, and the feds are petty. They will take anything that's not nailed down. I feel so bad for. Oh, Janiece. This is just tragic. Guys, if you're caught embezzling, just try to move. I don't know, leave the country.

[B]

It's hard. We just don't take care of our elderly, you know?

[A]

Right.

[B]

And I get that you said she's in her 70s, right?

[A]

Mm, 73.

[B]

She's still working. That is. That's the real cry here, is that at age 73, you still have to be going into Saratoga.

[A]

Real, right? Oh, you're right about that. Honestly, I'm on Janice's side. Like, get mad, honey. Steal all the money. I'm sorry. You're gonna probably spend a little time in jail. And these are your twilight years. But maybe that could be a fun change. Cause when you're old, like, you need a new purpose and maybe like going to white girl.

[B]

I feel bad. Like, my grandma, she got remarried at 78. So this is a time where, like, Janice could be, you know, meeting the new sugar daddy. Like, she didn't have to go this direction. Like, she still has it. The va va voom.

[A]

You're right. And she's not. You know, for a 73 year old, there's some. She could be out here pulling some men. She could get her somebody.

[B]

Totally.

[A]

Or women. Whoever she prefers.

[B]

Also, I think a Princess Diaries Glow up. We could do it.

[A]

Janice, let us make you over because prison is trash. And no way am I trying to glamorize prison because a prison industrial complex is ass. And y' all know that for me. But I will say, like, Janice, like, if you want an instant makeover, me and Brendan will make you over and get you a man. What's a little felony when you're 73? Nobody cares if you're a felon. Like, that's cute. That's called a checkered past.

[B]

Complicated.

[A]

Exactly. Would I set fire to a place if I had embezzled it?

[B]

I feel like I would be too afraid. I think I'd be like, just take me. I don't think I would have it in me to burn down a building.

[A]

Yeah, it just feels like a huge risk. Also, like, what if you burn it down and the fire girls don't get there quickly enough and you're just like,

[B]

what if somebody is happens to be there before you, cooking their own books, you know, and you kill some? Yeah, I just couldn't live with myself. Also, I have a great respect for property and property ownership. You know, the man. That sort of thing.

[A]

The man. You know boots. Love licking them. They're tasty.

[B]

I'm sure it was, like, an architecturally significant Saratoga Realty. Art deco.

[A]

You know, Andy Warhol's been in this. Saratoga realty.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[A]

So it's actually a historical landmark. Yes. We really care about Saratoga Realty a lot. Okay, guys, well, let's get into our scammer of the week. So scammer of the week is where we highlight a famous charlatan who's really, truly worthy of our praise. Or maybe not. We never know. So today. Ooh, Brendon, today we're talking about a Brandon.

[B]

Oh, hello.

[A]

Not a Brandon, but a Brandon.

[B]

Ooh, my Starbucks name.

[A]

That's probably so much easier. You know how many ways there are to mispronounce Lacey? I get in Ubers, and they're like, hey, Lakai. I'm like, is it.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

Lakai.

[B]

Lakai.

[A]

Yeah. And in school, when you had the automatic lunch machine, did you have the automatic lunch machine in school that would, like, basically announce to everybody if you were poor?

[B]

We did not. I don't think so.

[A]

It was maybe. I don't know if it was just my school, but when you bought lunch at school, you had to swipe your little school card, and it would take money off of your account, and then if your account was low, so it would be like, thank you, lassie. And it would, like, talk. And then if your account was low, it'd be like, account balance low. And I'm like, why are you doing that?

[B]

I went to this tiny little Catholic school. I graduated with, like, 14 people. Like, I had no. There was, like, no lunch. You had to bring your own lunch.

[A]

Oh. Now I imagine like, a Little House on the Prairie. Like, deeply.

[B]

Yeah. I had pigtails.

[A]

I ran through the field to get to the school, which was one room,

[B]

no Catholic school uniform. Learned no math, only learned religion.

[A]

Yes, that's good for you. There's a lot of math in religion. Something about some loaves and some fishes. You could do math with that. That's a word problem, right?

[B]

That's a puzzle. That's calculus.

[A]

How many wines did Jesus turn from water? Like, you know things that the girls need to know. Yeah, I don't know why my school machine did that, but it would snitch on us. It'd be like, you balance low. And I'd be like, okay, you gotta yell. Like, why is the machine talking at all? Curious.

[B]

This must be someone else's card, right?

[A]

Why are you trying to shame children? It's not like I got money to put on the card. Oh, wow. I didn't realize that that was abnormal until now. So, guys, Brandon. Back to Brandon. He was arrested Feb. 17, 2021, on charges of false reporting. We're going back to another false report. Let's say the theme here, false reporting to law enforcement. Love it. They believe he faked his own kidnapping in order to be excused from his job at the tire store.

[B]

No, this is him not worth.

[A]

What?

[B]

Colin's sick.

[A]

Brandon is so young looking.

[B]

He's young, but looks old to me. Like, he's got, like, the goatee moment. That's like, I'm trying to become a man.

[A]

Yeah. And he's got a very spotty beard. Like, his beard is definitely not 4G.

[B]

He's giving me his face. He's got kind of like Matt Dillon hair from the 90s. Or like a Johnny Depp cut.

[A]

I see it. I see it. His eyes are giving. They're not really giving a lot of depth behind there, so we might need to be putting him away. His brows will be good if he brushed them. I don't know why I'm going through this whole little boy's face, but, yeah, his mustache has a strong two bars. We need more signal from the mustache, but it's all.

[B]

He's got a great cut, though. Loving the cut.

[A]

The cut. And he got some product in it okay, so Brandon worked at a car shop in Coolidge, Arizona where he installed tires and drove around the area to pick up parts for the store. Police said, drove around the area to pick up parts.

[B]

Okay, sure. I don't know that world. I imagine that's part of it.

[A]

Sounds sketchy. And then he also would drive around the area for, you know, parts lying around. You know how parts are.

[B]

My various jobs replacing tires, parts.

[A]

You know how car parts be. They just be lying around.

[B]

Whenever I have an audition for like something that's like a cop or anything, I'm like, yeah, so talking like, you know, that life is that exciting, basically. I'm basically just like, I wonder if I could not come across as gay in this audition.

[A]

You can, you can or you just do as a cop. I don't know. I turn down cop auditions at the moment. Cause I can't be a lovable cop. If there was like a despicable cop who came around, maybe I would do that. But I've like seen some auditions where like, she's a cop and she's fun and I'm like, hmm, no, not my experience with cops. Not.

[B]

Sorry, sorry. Jake Johnson and that movie let's Be Cops.

[A]

Right. I once had, okay, the weirdest. Okay, not the worst because I don't want to bum you guys out. But I've had some bad experience with police because, hello, I'm black. I'm openly black. I'm coming out as black today. Like I do every day when I leave my house. But I once got pulled over after leaving a catering event in downtown la. And you know how downtown LA has like eight lanes but they all one way. Well, I'm from Texas. I don't understand that. So when I first got here, I was just like lanes and fully didn't read any signs. So I was driving down the wrong lane of like an eight lane street trash. I get pulled over by a cop on a motorcycle, which I'm already like, motorcycle. I don't like anybody on two wheels. It just feels like a scam.

[B]

It was very Terminator 2 for me where I'm like, you're about to fucking kill me.

[A]

Exactly. So he pulls me over and he's like, hey, do you know why I pulled you over? And I was like, what's up? And I would never talk like that to a police officer. I was like, oh, no, officer, I don't. Also I'm British. That makes me like a little bit more of a white black than normal. You like that, isn't it? I Do that for cops and also for any historical black figure movies. Cause they love to pick British black actors. So I'm like, well, I can do that, too.

[B]

That's Harriet, right?

[A]

Thank you guys so much for having me in today. I would love to play Ariet Tubman. Ariet has been a dream of mine to be Ariet.

[B]

Aria Admin.

[A]

Ariat Admin. Coming with the strongest Conway accent. I would love to be Ariet. I mentioned it. So much for the slaves.

[B]

Don't say the first letter of any

[A]

word that's British for the alaives, like, even when you definitely need the first letter alaives.

[B]

I'm an alaive.

[A]

I'm like, oh, don't beat me. I'm a lave. How was that, guys? Did my accent slip out? So, yeah, you know, I'm putting on the funk, right? He goes, have you been drinking tonight? And I was like, no. I left the catering event, so I was working, but I was like, no. And he was like, blow on my hand.

[B]

Excuse me? Blow your hot breath onto his hand.

[A]

Yes. He asked me to blow on his hand, I guess to see if he could smell the alcohol or to fuck with me.

[B]

Did he bring his hand up?

[A]

Yes, he brought his.

[B]

Ooh.

[A]

He brought his hand and his face close to mine, and he was like, blow on my hand. So if, like, I was like, am I blowing in your mouth? What's happening? And then, you know, I'm black. So I was like, okay, don't kill me.

[B]

That is not Covid friendly.

[A]

Okay, but is that a procedure, Brenda? Can you tell me? Blowing on the hand.

[B]

I think maybe you just got me too. Like.

[A]

No, I don't think you.

[B]

I don't think that's a thing.

[A]

You've been drinking at night? Suck on my finger and then I'll smell it. What?

[B]

It's like that episode of Friends where Joey's like, you know, that's how they do pants. And the guy who's been making his pants his whole life has been cupping his balls, you know?

[A]

Yeah, that's how they do pants. Y' all know how they do pants from the back? No. Oh, man. Boy, oh, boy. That's only happened to me one more time, and I'll just say it. Cause we're on the subject. I was in London, and I had a doctor who, like, every time I would come because I'd had a cyst removed, but it was, like, near my butt. So I had to, like, this is so tmi. I had to, like, get. Take my panties off and get it, like, Dressed every day until it healed. And I got some free surgery that I stole from London. Ew. Thanks, Chelsea Wilson. I'll never pay you, bitch. And the doctor would always be like, you know, you always wear these skinny little knickers. And he was talking about my thongs. And I was like, oh, yeah, I'd be wearing thongs. And he was like, you know, you're so fit. And I was like, I do be running. And then I didn't know that fit meant, like, hot.

[B]

Hot. Yeah.

[A]

I'm like, ass naked. And he's like, you're so fit. I'm like, thank you, sir. I do be running.

[B]

Was he like, I feel like we're really cracking on maybe.

[A]

Oh, Lord. I was oblivion.

[B]

I go to a gay doctor, obvious, because you have to be with different needs. And sometimes, like, these doctors can be a little bit, like, over familiar, you know? Like, one time I had a doctor, the nurse practitioner in the office, like, swab my mouth, you know? And he went really deep. And I was like. And he was like, you need to work on your gag reflex. And I was like, excuse me, you're a medical professional.

[A]

I love that for you. You were like, I don't. I have one gay doctor. He is my urgent care doctor who I love to visit because I love to panic. And he's like that too, but I receive it like, I'll come in panic about something. He's like, lacey, why are you worried about this? And he's like, you don't have any of these diseases. I really need you. Like, he'll just come therapize me sometimes. And I'm like, okay, but also, there's a really hot nurse at my doctor's office that is so fucking hot. And I was trying to, like, track him down because I think, like, we belong together. One time, he, like, did my intake, and I was like, this man is beautiful. And every time I go to see the doctor over there, I always have something really embarrassing. And then he's always there when I have something embarrassing. Like when Covid first started, I thought maybe I had Covid because I had a flu and I didn't have Covid, But I was like, hey. They were like, what are your symptoms? And I was like, uh. And the hot guy was there, and I was like, uh, diarrhea. It's cute, though. Like, the cutest diarrhea you could imagine. Like, it don't even smell.

[B]

One of my gay doctors is really hot. And he's always just like, okay, so, like, how many sexual partners And I'm always like, well, you know, just waiting on Mr. Right.

[A]

Does Jesus count?

[B]

I'm free tonight.

[A]

Right. He's the only one I let inside of me. So what's up? Yes. Trying to be hot for medical professionals. I love it. Big tangent back to what's happening here. So, Brandon. On February 10th, at about 5:25pm the police responded to a report about an injured man in an area near the train track. Okay, train tracks.

[B]

Cute.

[A]

Also sounds like you come through.

[B]

Old timey villain.

[A]

We love an old timey villain. So the caller reported that a man was going in and out of consciousness. When the officers arrived, they found a man later identified as Brandon with his hands bound behind his back and a belt and a purple bandana stuffed in his mouth.

[B]

Kinky.

[A]

I love that. The people who called the cops were like, he's going in and out of consciousness. Y' all didn't notice he was tied up.

[B]

That's definitely his belt. Cause he needs it.

[A]

Right? His pants are tight. His pants are hanging off, and it matches his shoes. Did you just, like, pick your work outfit and was like.

[B]

It's really a theme this week of just people tying themselves up.

[A]

Mm. Also, the tie that he looked doesn't look very tight. It feels like he could wriggle out of that.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

Am I crazy?

[B]

No, you're not.

[A]

Okay, so, guys, we're looking at a photo of this man, Brandon, laying in a ditch. He did a very good job rolling around in said ditch to just really give us ashiness, give us panic, give us the kind of wearing, like a

[B]

blue short sleeve button down with the collar popped.

[A]

Yes. So it feels as though this is his work uniform. He did pop his collar before he faked his kidnapping. Cause, you know, gotta stay fresh. Kidnapper's not gonna catch him slipping. Okay, so, yeah. So when the officers arrived, they found a man later identified as Brandon with his hands bound behind his back and a belt and a purple bandana stuffed in his mouth. Right. A photo from the police department showed Brandon with his hands tied. He's lying on the ground, giving us a cute kidnap moment. So Brandon told officers that after completing an errand that morning, he returned to his home, where two masked men abducted him near his vehicle, struck him in the back of the head, and knocked him unconscious. Brandon said, the men drove me around in a vehicle before they let me out in an area where I was found. Okay, okay.

[B]

So she has been reading up on the. Is everyone reading the same manual on how to kidnap yourself? Like, hit yourself in the back of the head.

[A]

That's the sweet spot. Okay, here's my curiosity.

[B]

What's the crime?

[A]

No shame, Brandon. But why would two people go out, buy some ski masks for $5.99 on Amazon? Don't tell me why I know. And then show up to your home and take you, Take you, Brandon, what is that?

[B]

Doesn't make any sense. Like, there's no motive here. Like, is he. What do they want from him?

[A]

What were you gonna give them, Brandon?

[B]

A day off work? Is he just literally avoiding work?

[A]

Judging by the belt and the shoes that you're wearing during this abduction, I don't know if you have. Have anything to give them, Brandon. No shade, but I'm curious. So he was taken to a hospital where he was evaluated and interviewed by the police. This is when he told investigators that he had been kidnapped because his father had a large amount of money hidden throughout the desert.

[B]

Okay, this is Shia LaBeouf's holes, right?

[A]

I was like, so your daddy is the nigga from holes?

[B]

Like, dig it up, babe.

[A]

Dig it up. Dig it.

[B]

Dig it up.

[A]

Dig it. I'm saying that the. The whole time they were driving me around,

[B]

I was kidnapped by Armpit and one of the other characters from Holes.

[A]

Armpit, yo, what was that one who didn't talk?

[B]

It was the whole Zero. Cause he didn't say anything.

[A]

Arpit and Zero pulled up and took him away.

[B]

That book is 50 chapters. And I remember reading it in grade school and being like, I just read a 50 chapter book.

[A]

Same, same. They had lots of spaces in between them sentences, but it was still 50 chapters. And I took the W. So this is how he got caught. For days, detectives tried to investigate his account by reviewing surveillance video of the area and interviewing people that he mentioned. Hospital records show that Brandon had no concussion or injury to his head. And text messages reviewed by detectives did not show messages or phone calls that Brandon described. Eventually and after repeated confronting Brandon with problems in his story detected, Basically, they were like, brandon, you lying. Brandon, you lying. He was like, no, I'm not. I'm for real, Zero. And that nigga Armpit came, and then we rolled around and they Ford Explorer. And then they left me by the train tracks.

[B]

There were no texts, no emails, no calls. Contactless crime, right?

[A]

Contactless crime. You've heard of contactless delivery? We also have contactless crime. It's very healthy and safe. I appreciate it. So they're basically like, brandon, girl, you lying. Stop with the lies. And eventually he breaks. Cause hospital records show that none of this shit Was true. So eventually, he basically says his story was fabricated and no kidnapping or assault occurred. Duh. They also determined that the story of hidden treasure was false. Damn. You ain't even had no treasure. For real.

[B]

It's a tall tale.

[A]

He goes in there and he files a stolen insurance claim for the missing treasure. Man, I think this through. They also determined that basically, a manager from the tire store declined to comment on the arrest. And according to Brandon's Facebook profile, he no longer works there. The profile is now private. So I'm guessing he just did all of this to get out of work.

[B]

I mean, to avoid getting fired for skipping a shift.

[A]

It just feels like, what happened to sick? Maybe he had called in sick too many times. It was time to call in. Kidnapped, right?

[B]

That's desperate, that is. Brandon, just show up. Show up, Brandon.

[A]

You don't wanna go. Your job must be really bad if you would rather lay in a ditch next to the train tracks, out of the house.

[B]

It's not like you're at home watching Netflix, like, making quesadillas, which is what I do all day. But. But it's like, what are you. You're just getting yourself really dirty.

[A]

You're in your. You're in your uniform. You could have just went to work. Like, we had to do this. Brandon. I don't know.

[B]

He was already running an errand in the morning, driving around, picking up parts.

[A]

Guys, have any of you called and kidnapped, Let me know. Is this a good strategy? Should I try this?

[B]

I still, like, don't really believe when people are sick. Because I would just pretend to be sick all my childhood to stay out of school.

[A]

That was wise of you. I mean, and truly, you were actually sick. You were sick of going to school. That's it. Yeah, that works for me.

[B]

Yeah, I'm sick of it.

[A]

It's like, I'm sick of this shit I'll be on. Cause I'm tired of it. Okay. I'll let you know when I'm sick of. Okay. And when I get well, I'll let you hoes know. But it won't be soon, so don't even wish that. Okay? Wish me a long recovery. Cause that's what I need. Oh, yes. Okay, guys. Man, what a fun episode. We've reached the end. And I have to let Brendan go before I do that. Brendan, we always ask, where do you want people to find you and your content?

[B]

Oh, yeah. Go watch Bonding on Netflix. It's really quick. It's a little BDSM comedy. There's two seasons of it, but they're both really short episodes. They're like 15 minutes each. And yeah, I'm trying to stay off social media right now, so don't find me there.

[A]

Ooh, okay. Cleanse yourself, cleanse your mind. I love that. I loved it. I love how you get roped into the. This crazy world and then you're like fully a part of it. I have to finish it, but I started bonding not too long ago and I was like, okay, yes.

[B]

It just really gets like the loins going. It does.

[A]

It's very horny. There's a lot of leather. There's a lot of leather. You look really hot in it too. It's great. It's a feast for the eyes and for the brain. Yeah.

[B]

That's what it's all about. Looking good.

[A]

Yeah. That's my only scam.

[B]

They're making these cameras so intense now.

[A]

They need to stop.

[B]

Blur it up.

[A]

Like, what happened to the 1920s cameras? Man, I wish I could have acted in the 20s. And then everyone was talking like this and John, it's gonna be a big rabble rouser. Like, nobody had to act in the 50s.

[B]

No, they were all just like fresh out of vaudeville. Like, what's the pictures?

[A]

The talkies. While you get yourself in the talkie. People said things like, why I oughta.

[B]

Like, I wish a lot of old timey villains doing stuff near the train stations.

[A]

Which is where this episode clearly got its inspiration from, was lots of old timey villains. Love you guys. You vaudeville comedian criminals. Guys, if you wanna find us Scam got us Pod on all platforms. If you want to send us your scams, just make sure they're retired. Scamgottispodmail.com and if you wanna follow me and my shenanigans. D I V A L A C I Diva Lacey on all platforms. I'm back on ABC's the Con Guys, so look out for that. We telling some new fun stories, honey at me. As biggest con I've pulled off so far. Stay scheming, Scam Goddess. This has been an Earwolf production in association with Team Coco. Scam Goddess is starring me.

[B]

Duh.

[A]

Scam Goddess, AKA Lacy Mosley. Scam Goddess is produced by Chelsea Jacobson and engineered by Marina Baiz with research by Sherrilynn Vera. Stay.