The CIA Swindler with Sasheer Zamata plus BONUS: Con-fessions!

Summary

Podcast Summary: "The CIA Swindler with Sasheer Zamata + BONUS: Con-fessions!"

Podcast: Scam Goddess
Host: Laci Mosley
Guest: Sasheer Zamata
Original Air Date: September 8, 2020

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Episode Overview

This episode of Scam Goddess features comedian, actress, and SNL alum Sasheer Zamata joining host Laci Mosley for a lively, hilarious deep dive into the world of scams. The main theme centers on the story of Garrison Courtney, a fake CIA operative who swindled millions, with the episode bookended by listener scam stories and a bonus section highlighting schoolyard corruption in "Con-fessions." True to Scam Goddess’s tone, the conversation is part true-con storytelling, part stand-up riff, all laughs—showing the funny (and sometimes disturbing) side of fraud.

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Key Discussions & Insights

1. Comedy Catch-Up and Black Joy in Film

(00:00–03:00)

• Laci and Sasheer celebrate seeing Black-led rom-coms (Sasheer in "The Weekend") outside of trauma narratives.
• “[It’s] so nice to just have a Black getaway... we all survived, and the only drama was internal.” — Sasheer Zamata (01:19)
• The joys and difficulties of filming on location, with comedic stories about co-star Kim Whitley.

2. Personal Scam Anecdotes

(03:01–10:25)

• Sasheer shares her early misadventures as an "easy target" for scammers, including a psychic reading almost-gone-wrong and the notorious Craigslist "foot videos" hustle.
• “Are people actually watching this, or is it just for Ted?” — Sasheer Zamata (07:48)
• Laci and Sasheer riff about the evolution of internet fame, problematic YouTube stars, and infamous examples of social-media-fueled tastelessness.

3. Listener Scam: National Park Room Hustle

(12:24–16:42)

• A listener ("Jeremy") explains how he got free accommodation at national parks by applying for, then skipping, seasonal hospitality jobs.
• “If you want to stay for free at a national park...call for a room that’s on the way, bring the employee contract, and when you’re done, call [and say] sorry, something came up.” — Listener "Jeremy" (13:17)
• Discussion explores who feels entitled to roam outdoors and getaway scams as forms of privileged hustle.

4. Major Segment: The CIA Swindler—Garrison Courtney

(19:00–32:22)

• [19:00] Laci introduces Garrison Courtney, a former DEA spokesman who—by claiming secret CIA status—scammed multiple companies and officials, ultimately netting $4.4 million.
• How Courtney Did It:
  • Pretended to recruit senior officials for “classified programs” and required companies to payroll him as a cover.
  • Invented a “task force” allegedly blessed by the President, Attorney General, and more.
  • “He would just show up and be like, ‘Hey, I’m Individual A’...I feel like you shouldn’t tell people you’re a CIA operative?” — Sasheer Zamata (19:47)
  • Produced NDAs and used government facilities—his former security clearance letting him “show off” legit bunkers.
  • If anyone questioned him, he’d gaslight them: “He would accuse that person of being a spy for foreign powers.” (25:31)
  • Got his unqualified son jobs as well—raising the stakes with nepotism.
• Courtney was eventually caught, pleaded guilty to wire fraud, and faced up to 20 years in prison, with restitution owed. The companies scammed sought anonymity out of embarrassment.
• Laci and Sasheer lampoon America’s wasteful military budget and liken multiple side-hustle scams to juggling secret families.

5. Scammer of the Week & Bonus: School Scams

(33:34–36:10, 41:32–51:59)

• Celebrating scammers who flip the script: e.g. Reddit users and Gen Zers trolling “grandparent” scammers by feigning concern or dressing as elders to buy booze.
• Notable quote: “In this world, there are the makers and the takers.” — Laci Mosley (35:19)
• BONUS "Con-fession":
  • Listener Devon describes running a counterfeit currency ring with “Davidson Dollars,” the rewards program at an elementary school—complete with judge/jury, laundering, and inside information.
  • “After getting a few cases and understanding how they got caught, I decided to give it a try. Wow. Corruption in the justice system.” — Laci Mosley (43:55)
  • Laci and guests delight in the layers of micro-capitalism, corruption, and hustle, drawing parallels to the broader American economy.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On optimistic scam targets:
  "My face is so trusting...I feel like people look at me like, 'That's an easy target. I have 'green' tattooed on my forehead.'" — Sasheer (03:08)
• Foot video scam confusion:
  “Being like, I can’t wait to see the next adventure Ted’s going on with these feet…” — Sasheer (08:01)
• On privilege and park scams:
  “Jeremy’s definitely white…they have intel we don’t get.” — Sasheer (13:56)
• CIA scam skepticism:
  "You seem real. This is legit. Where’s the NDA?" — Laci Mosley (25:14)
• How scammer gaslit marks:
  "If they would accuse him of being shady, he'd accuse them of being a foreign spy." — Laci (26:01)
• On childhood school counterfeiting:
  “They got these kids working like Raven Simone. You starting at 3 and you will never stop.” — Laci (43:39)
• On the futility of bootstrap billionaire dreams:
  “The chances of you making a trillion dollars in your lifetime are extremely, extremely, extremely low. Don't let these billionaires…tell you you gotta be poor your whole life…Bitch, I'm tired of waiting for rights.” — Laci (51:00)

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Important Timestamps

• 00:00–03:00 – Black rom-com & “The Weekend” chat
• 03:01–10:25 – Scam stories (psychics, NYC hustlers, Craigslist foot scams)
• 12:24–16:42 – Listener park scam; access strategies
• 19:00–32:22 – Garrison Courtney, the fake CIA agent, full breakdown
• 33:34–36:10 – Scammer of the week: trolling would-be “grandma” fraudsters
• 41:32–51:59 – “Con-fessions”: student-run counterfeit currency & justice system

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Final Impressions

Brimming with wit, real stories, and delightfully sharp social commentary, this episode captures the best of Scam Goddess—turning cons into comedy while never shying from calling out the deeper structures of privilege and power behind America’s greatest hustles. Whether you’re there for the headline CIA scammer or the bonus elementary school money laundering, you’ll leave with a smile and a side of cultural critique.

“Stay schemin’!” —Laci Mosley

Transcript

[Lace]

Scams C, robbery and frauds. Scams C, robbery and fraud. Gamb goddess. What's poppin Congregation? If you haven't already heard, we have the amazing Sasheer Samada on the show today. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shazeer, I'm so happy to finally have you. I feel like you came right when I was about to start recording with Nicole once in the studio and we were talking to you through the glass.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yes. It was like, I mean, I guess pre social distancing. I was like, oh, look at them having fun over there.

[Lace]

You came and distanced with us without us knowing.

[Sasheer Zamata]

I did, yes.

[Lace]

Now I was telling you before we started recording that I was just looking at you, girl.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes.

[Lace]

I saw your movie on Hulu. The Weeknd. That's what it's called, right?

[Sasheer Zamata]

Oh, thank you for watching. Yes, the weekend. The weekend.

[Lace]

Oh my God. So nice to see. First of all, you're beautiful. You're so funny and you're just a chocolately chocolatey drop like myself. And to see a rom com in a fun movie like that with just all negroes just, you know, no one got shot by the police. You know,

[Sasheer Zamata]

it's nice, it's refreshing to be like, oh, we just, we all survived. And like the only drama was just like internal, like this is nice.

[Lace]

We weren't. Because I feel like there's so much trauma. I call it trauma porn. And look, some of it's necessary like 13th and the Central Park Five. But at times, especially these dark ass times, child, it was so nice to just have a black getaway.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Like, yeah, yeah. And we're outside the whole, like most of it. It's just like black people in nature. Everyone's gorgeous, everyone's really funny. It was so fun to shoot too. Like we're in Malibu for a few weeks and it was having a great time. I fully, fully loved it. And Stella Megy is the writer, director, Black Woman. That was the first time I've ever had that. That was amazing. It just felt good all around and I'm glad it's out on Hulu. It's on Amazon so people can watch it guys, if you want.

[Lace]

If you need a break from the drama, like, please, please watch the Weeknd. It's so good. Also, I love Kim Whitley. I worked with her on Florida Girls and she's such a delight.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yes. She was cutting up the whole time, like on screen, off. Just like had us in tears the whole time. She was amazing.

[Lace]

She's full blown comedian. And you know what was wonderful about her too Is. I'm sure shooting in Malibu was pretty n. We were shooting in Savannah, Georgia. The gnats were attacking us. We were falling into the ocean. Like, this was not a light shoot. Like, there were definitely times that I thought I was gonna die. I was like, is we gonna die today? And Kim would be so, like, upbeat and happy about everything. Like, if she, like, missed a line or something, she'd be like, now, don't call Jack a Harry. Don't call Jack a Harry to replace me.

[Sasheer Zamata]

That is very funny.

[Lace]

I love that. So wait, she's here. Do you have any relationship with scams? Have you ever been scammed? Have you ran a scam?

[Sasheer Zamata]

I feel like in my early 20s, I got scammed a lot just because my face is so, like, trusting. Like, I feel like people will be looking at me and be like, that's. That's an easy target. Like, I just have the word green tattooed on my forehead.

[Lace]

You look like a. I will say that I look like a nice person.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Thank you very much. I feel like. I feel like my. I don't know how to describe it. It's just a look. Like, I do feel like now I do look nice, but, like, I have more of a. Like, I've lived right, like, in my eyes. But at the time, I was just like, I'm excited to be here. Like, everyone's like, oh, she's new. Like, I remember I was walking down the street in New York in Manhattan, and I passed by a psychic place, and this woman was sitting in the windowsill looking a psychic. And she saw me pointed at me. It was like, you, like, ushered me in, like, waving me in. And I was like, oh, she needs my help. And so I, like, skipped in there.

[Lace]

I've been chosen.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah, she needs me. And she sat me down, talked to me for a long time. She's like, I have something very important to tell you. It's important that you of all people get this information. And I'll tell you if he pay me $25. And I was like, oh, my God. People in New York are so helpful. Like, people keep saying the opposite. And yet here she is. All you gotta do is pay $25.

[Lace]

She got you off the street, and she says, sis, I have tea. That's just for you. Life or death.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yes. No one else was doing that.

[Lace]

Enter your credit card info and I will save your life. But technically, that's how the hospital works too. So did you pay?

[Sasheer Zamata]

I didn't. I wised up. I did talk to her way too long, but Then I was like, I have to go. I don't think this is right.

[Lace]

Well, that's what. Yes, that's a person.

[Sasheer Zamata]

That is what they do.

[Lace]

That's a great scam, because that's a person who is counting on your empathy and building the sense of a relationship, which is probably why she talked to you so long. So she could disarm you and you could be like, well, I don't want to waste her time. I guess I should pay her $25 to see if I live tomorrow.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Absolutely. Yeah. I got got.

[Lace]

I got two choices. I could wake up and see or.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Or just pay $25 now and.

[Lace]

No, truly, that's okay. I can see that. But you don't. You don't seem to me like a Marc Shazir, so I would say that.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Thank you.

[Lace]

I appreciate. And also, you didn't get played. You talked to her and then.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah, I did. I did say no. But there was other times where, like, people would just ask me for money on a train. Like, they pass a whole car of people and be like, well, she doesn't know any better. And I didn't. And, like, I remember one time I gave a guy some money because he had a whole story about, like, need to take the train somewhere to find his sister, you know, like, something. And I can't remember how much money I gave him, but I was like, this will help him go have a full day. Get back on the subway. He's still there asking for money. And I was like, I just gave

[Lace]

him the money he needed to get

[Sasheer Zamata]

the ticket to go see his sister.

[Lace]

And you wanted to update. You were like, how was your sister?

[Sasheer Zamata]

Did you see her now? Where are you going? Is it a different sibling? What's going on? Yeah, I just felt like, thankfully, nothing seriously bad happened. No one scammed me out of a lot of money or anything, but actually, this also didn't happen, but it was creepy. So I was hard up on money and I went on Craigslist to, like, find gigs. And there was. And I've been told I have nice feet.

[Lace]

Oh, yes, there was. Sure you was gonna become a foothold. Listen, I ain't mad at it. If you gotta get out here and put them toes on the corner, you gotta do what you gotta do.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Look, it takes a while for a comedy to start paying you, so I had to find something to supplement the years. So I was like, let's see what my feet can do. And some guy was like, I run a website where I make videos with feet. Your face and body doesn't have to be in it, but, you know, people will watch it for your feet.

[Nicole Byer]

And he.

[Sasheer Zamata]

And so I emailed him and then he responded. He's like, here's an example of the videos. And it was him like, Ted, or you know, like some dude just like a very portly man kind of rolling it around and wrestling with women's feet and like putting them on his face. And I was like, is this like, are people actually watching this or is it just for Ted? Like, no, I'm uploading it.

[Lace]

Being like, I'm uploading it for sure. No, I'm definitely uploading it. Who's watching this?

[Sasheer Zamata]

Being like, I can't wait to see the next adventure Ted's going on with these feet. Like, he was mostly. It was mostly him in the video. And the feet were. Happened to be there, but I was like, I don't think that's right.

[Lace]

I don't think that's what people want.

[Sasheer Zamata]

So I just didn't respond.

[Lace]

I feel like the foot fetish industry is so straightforward. So the fact that he was like, I'm gonna be the star. Your feet are gonna be like the co star. Like, I'm gonna put you in some open toe socks and play with them for an hour. He was just trying to get people to let him play with they feet.

[Sasheer Zamata]

I think that's what that was.

[Lace]

Yeah, yeah. And you don't need a foot pimp when you're doing footwork because you could just do that at home. Exactly.

[Sasheer Zamata]

I could be an entrepreneur. I could just put my feet in the camera, have a live feed or whatever, and then people pay. Yeah, I think I know that now. I didn't know that then.

[Lace]

Right. What year was that? Because technology was probably.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah, that was like, probably 2009.

[Lace]

I feel like that's when people started just getting what, like, Internet famous.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Right.

[Lace]

Like, MySpace was over, but. And then people were starting to move to YouTube.

[Sasheer Zamata]

But it wasn't like, yeah, that was like the boom of the YouTube people, right? Yeah.

[Lace]

Right. I wish I had got in on that. I could have just been on the Internet, I don't know, scratching my ass and I'd be a millionaire by now.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah. Although it seems like all people who are super famous in the beginning with YouTube are getting called out for all the crazy shit they've been doing for the last 10 years and being like, oh, I guess that was racist. When I dressed up like a Muslim woman and ran through the street, you know, like.

[Lace]

Like they're just like, Shane Dawson, who was doing blackface and not even funny blackface. Like, if you're gonna do blackface, can you at least be Robert Downey Jr. In Tropic Thunder? We never canceled him. It was hilarious.

[Sasheer Zamata]

And he was aware, like, that was part of the joke. But, yeah, there's people who were not well equipped with the information on why that would or would not be funny and ran amok.

[Lace]

Yeah, he got attacked by Will Smith's family, too. Cause of that poster where he was pretending to jack off to baby Willow. Ooh. You don't fuck with the Smiths now. And they'll never let him go to the table. He ain't getting close to that bitch.

[Sasheer Zamata]

You are not invited to the Shane's.

[Lace]

Like, please let me come to the table, Jada. I'll clean the table. I'll do whatever y' all need me to do. Yeah. I can't believe they thought that shit was a good idea. Like, if you go to the Queen collection and you're like, yeah, this is it. And you're alabaster, like, something. Come on now.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah, yeah. You're already wrong. If you're purchasing stuff that doesn't match your skin. Like, you're just. You should just know, right?

[Lace]

Step one, if you are in deep brown and deep tan of the Bobby Brown section, it's probably. You probably have to do something wrong.

[Sasheer Zamata]

There was. Did you watch American Meme? It was on Netflix. It's like, talking about, like, the. The Viners and the, like, people getting famous off of the Internet. I think the fat Jewish was in there. And Paris Hilton. And there was one girl who was, like, big on vine, and she was talking about her downfall. I mean, she's still very famous, but she was like, yeah, all these other people got more famous. And she's like, people called me racist. And it's like, I just didn't get it because, like, they don't have a sense of humor. And then they cut to a video where she's like.

[Lace]

She was.

[Sasheer Zamata]

She, like, drew, like, a what? Like a unibrow, like, made her skin dark. And it was like. Like, just turned around.

[Lace]

I guess she was trying to be a New York cabbie.

[Sasheer Zamata]

I don't know. But it was just like. She was like. Just had a horrible Arab accent. And I was like, oh, girl, of course everyone thought you were racist.

[Lace]

She.

[Sasheer Zamata]

This is not like, people are being too sensitive. It's like, okay, but look at your content.

[Lace]

She was saying, people are being too sensitive. They cut to her in the Klan robe.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah.

[Sasheer Zamata]

I don't get it this is comedy.

[Lace]

How to tie a noose 101.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah.

[Lace]

Like girl, what are you doing? Yes.

[Sasheer Zamata]

It's too soft.

[Lace]

Well, let's get into our first segment. After a good healthy dose of fun racisms, we keeps it light. So this is what's hot. And fraud. So Shazir, I'm gonn tell our listeners they write in, they snitch on their friends, on their family, on themselves. As always, guys, scamgoddesspodmail.com snitch on everyone you know, but you know, leave out the details and make sure it's a retired con unless you want to share with the community. So this one seems like, okay, what does he want me to call him? Give me a name, Shazir.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Jeremy.

[Lace]

Jeremy. Okay, so Jeremy wrote in and he says, oh wait, does he want to be named James Child? You gotta put that up top. I'm calling you Jeremy. So Jeremy says, one year I went to work at Yellowstone National Park. The company that provides hospitality there is called Zanterra. Everyone asks, what an X that sounds like a birth control pill. And when I started Zantara,

[Sasheer Zamata]

all my problems went away.

[Lace]

Right. So they also provide hospitality for other national parks across the country. I left a week before I was scheduled to start working and called Mount Rushmore to get a free room. As I was passing through, they provided a free employee room for a couple of days. If you want to stay for free at a national park, sign up to work at a different park. Call for a room that's on the way, bring the employee contract, and when you're done, call the employer and tell them you ain't gonna come say sorry, something came up and I can't work here this season. Hope to work with you in the future. Good luck and God bless. Thank you, Jeremy.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Wow.

[Lace]

Wow.

[Sasheer Zamata]

That's good.

[Lace]

That's good.

[Sasheer Zamata]

I like that.

[Lace]

And I mean, national parks are government funded.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah, they're fine.

[Lace]

You know. You know, we antsy government over here. Like the parks will be fine.

[Sasheer Zamata]

The trees will take advantage. Yes.

[Lace]

The eagles.

[Sasheer Zamata]

I like that a lot.

[Lace]

They'll be flying. I know. I do too. Cause it's something I would have never thought of. Cause I guess, I guess I didn't

[Sasheer Zamata]

even really know you could stay at a national park.

[Lace]

Neither did I.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Like that there are rooms to stay in.

[Lace]

Jeremy's definitely white.

[Sasheer Zamata]

They have intel that we don't get. They're like, the outdoors are mine. I can just go anywhere. Right.

[Lace]

We're too busy. Worried about racism, like trying not to get pulled over. They're like, where can I stay in the mountains? I have so much time. Not worried about racism. So that's the real scam right there. I need to get my free time back. Worried about racism, but yeah, So I guess you can just do. I want to know if this works. If anybody tries this, let me know. But I didn't know that you volunteered to work at a park for a season.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah, I didn't either.

[Lace]

That feels.

[Sasheer Zamata]

I mean, that sounds cool too. If you're, like, not working, you get to just be in a park if you don't need. Because I can't imagine it takes much. Right? It probably. It's probably not a lot of money, but, like, what do you do? Like, clean up trash.

[Lace]

Like, that's.

[Sasheer Zamata]

And then you get to, like, hang

[Lace]

out in the park, Right? I guess you give tours and shit?

[Sasheer Zamata]

Probably. Yeah.

[Lace]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I guess. Cause wait, did he say that it was volunteer or did he say. Okay, So I think it does pay because he says employee.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah.

[Lace]

So, okay. That could be a nice eat, pray, love moment, guys.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah. You have a whole winter where you're not doing anything right. Discover yourself in a national park.

[Lace]

When I finally evolve into being a white woman, which will happen, that's my ultimate scam, is I will be regarded as a white woman woman one day. If anything mildly inconvenient happens to me, I may just run off to a park for a while.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah, I think it's a great idea.

[Lace]

I think I deserve it.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Also, like, and there's, like, it's not high traffic. You can just, like, get away but still be in America. It's. It's interesting how many beautiful parks we have. I feel dumb saying this, but it's like, we have so many beautiful parks in America. But, like, I don't know. I guess it's just easy to stay in your little bubble and be like, this is my city, is my town. And then I've, like, passed through Utah and been like, oh, my God, this

[Lace]

is Utah is a bad bitch. Okay.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes.

[Sasheer Zamata]

This is beautiful. And it's just been here the whole time.

[Lace]

That's actually. You know what? Now that you say that, I'm very culpable of that because, like, I will travel, but it's mostly because my friends want to travel. So I'm like, okay, pick the place. Tell me where to bring my body to. And then whenever I go, I'm like, oh, damn. Like, it's mountains and trees.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah.

[Lace]

Oh, wow.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah. I feel like whenever I pick a vacation, I'm Inclined to pick the beach, like we're going to an island somewhere. But there's also just great Lakes and, you know, greenery here that I've just been missing. And it was also cheaper to go to cause it's in America.

[Lace]

Right. This is very embarrassing. I live in California and in LA and probably the same area for like four years. I just started hiking at Griffith park like three weeks ago. It was my first time going there. I'd gone to the observatory, but I didn't know that the park was so cute. I was just going to run for a cute moment for a photo op. I didn't know Griffith was so beautiful.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Now I haven't done it either. I've been here for two years. But I just don't like being hot. I just don't want to be in the sun fair.

[Lace]

I go around five and Griffith has more trees in the beginning and stuff. Running's just straight up hot ass sun.

[Sasheer Zamata]

And yeah, I don't want that.

[Lace]

Yeah. And celebrities. That's why people are going. They're going for the sun and the father to see the celebrities. That's the great thing about wearing a mask though. And then nobody will know you're famous. They won't know your shaziers are made up from snl. So go to those parks.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah, you can be like a vigilante.

[Lace]

You know, you just start doing crime. That's way you took it a step further. I was just saying so people wouldn't bother you.

[Sasheer Zamata]

No, I will now take it. Take the streets. They are mine.

[Lace]

I got robbed by a woman who definitely was in this movie I saw. She's definitely in the weekend.

[Sasheer Zamata]

I could see her face, but the silhouette looks similar.

[Lace]

Her hair looks similar, her voice was the same. She actually said, go stream the Weeknd on Hulu and Amazon. And then she took my wallet.

[Sasheer Zamata]

She's just like, check out sasheer.com. and I was like, I think this is related.

[Lace]

No, I just really love her. And also I'm robbing you. All right, guys, we're gonna take a quick break for some non scam advertisements. We'll be right back. Scams C. Alrighty. And we are back. And now it's time for Historic Hoodwinks. I went over Gail Sasheer with a historic hoodwink. And we're just gonna get her thoughts and her opinions throughout. Today's scam comes from a man named Garrison Courtney, which what a name. He was a fake CIA operative and he scammed people out of 4.1 or excuse me, $4.4 million. A lot of money. So how he did it was before he worked at the dea. He served as a spokesman for the Republican Congresswoman Katherine Harris. Shocker. People in the Republican Party being scammers.

[Nicole Byer]

What?

[Lace]

I'm baffled. Actually, all politicians.

[Sasheer Zamata]

It's been happening for the end of time. This is very true. Doesn't matter what.

[Lace]

Oh, God.

[Sasheer Zamata]

What side you're on.

[Lace]

So Courtney was a spokesman, and that's Garrison, and last name is Courtney. So we'll just call him Courtney from here on.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Garrison.

[Lace]

And then I called him Garrison.

[Nicole Byer]

Child.

[Lace]

It's a long day. Courtney was a spokesman for the DEA from 2005 to 2009. And the scam began three years later. He presented himself as another person identified as Individual A, a CIA operative. And so I guess he would just show up and be like, hey, I'm Individual A. Hmm.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Feel like you shouldn't tell people you're a CIA operative?

[Lace]

Like, no, no, no, it's cool. Cause I didn't tell you my name.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah, I just said Individual A. And they're like, okay, I still see your face.

[Lace]

Right, right. This isn't during mask wearing Times. This is 2005. So he's fully got his face out here. Interesting. He actually applied to be a CIA operative in 2005 and received a conditional offer. But the offer eventually lapsed. So I guess he had the offer, and then in 2006, it expired. Why don't you just get the job?

[Sasheer Zamata]

Oh, no. Yeah, he's not gonna be a good spy if he's letting. He's procrastinating on signing up. They're like, please come. And he's like, I got. I'm busy. Like, what are you doing? Isn't that. Sounds like that's your job, Your dream job, right?

[Lace]

Welcome to the CIA. And he said, let me get back to y'.

[Sasheer Zamata]

All.

[Lace]

I got something.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Jury duty.

[Lace]

So. Well, maybe it's that he realized that he could probably be. Be more successful if he just pretended to be in the CIA. Which seems to be accurate.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

[Lace]

So he duped multiple public officials, including senior military members, by telling them that they had been selected to participate in a classified CIA program and needed the companies to place them on their payrolls to hide their affiliation with the spy agency. So he would come up to you and be like, oh, what's up, Sergeant? Yeah, yeah, it's me, Individual A. I'm gonna need you to put me on your payroll.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Cause I would hope that the military officials would do more research before they were like, yeah, that makes Sense like you can figure that out.

[Lace]

Right? But the government's so wasteful with spending. Especially if you're talking about the military sector. We always got money for guns. America's so trash.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Absolutely.

[Lace]

It's like America's like your homegirl who you gave $300. Cause she said she was in a bind. And then the next time you see her, she got some Gucci slides. And you like, where. Where did you get those? Where's my.

[Sasheer Zamata]

She asked for more money, right?

[Lace]

And it's like, we have money for slides. We don't have money for you to give you. Right. That's America.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah.

[Lace]

That bitch. I can't stand it. So he would just say, you are now going to be a spy. Like the spy who shagged me. You don't know what I'm referring to, do you? Anyways, put.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Is that the Austin Powers thing?

[Lace]

No, that's Individual A's secret spy friend. That's you.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

[Lace]

You got it.

[Sasheer Zamata]

I see.

[Lace]

Put me on the payroll. This makes sense. So prosecutors said that Courtney approached businesses and claimed that they so called. He was like a task force, right? He was working on something that was created by officials at the highest levels of the federal government. His task force included the President of the United States, the Attorney General. So he said the Director of National Defense was involved in this, the Undersecretary of Defense for Intelligence, and the Administrator of the Drug Enforcement Administration. Okay. So everybody. He was like anybody who's powerful. Olivia Pope, B6 13. Huck Viola Davis, Anneliese Keating. Some of these people aren't real.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah.

[Lace]

So this is what he did with the power. The story behind the non existent program changed from time to time. So sometimes he would be like, yes, Annelise Keating works for us. Other days he would be like, no, it's just George Bush. Sometimes he told victims that the program supported a covert special operation in Africa. Other times he explained that its mission was to enhance intelligence gathering capabilities in response to a former contractor leaking. Okay, I'm tired reading this. So Courtney lied about his background and went so far as to make them sign fake non disclosure agreements, barring them from discussing what he claimed was classified information. So basically he scammed you, but be like, sign this Indiegogo so you can't tell nobody else that I scammed you.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Right, right, right.

[Nicole Byer]

Or else. It's very smart.

[Lace]

It's very smart. Honestly, wish I had thought of it. Can I still do it? I would love to.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Anyone can make an NDA, right?

[Lace]

All I need is printer, paper, yeah. So he created phony documents to show companies that they had been awarded with contracts with various federal agencies in exchange for their assistance. Because of his former ties with the government and knowledge of the system, he was granted access to meet with the victims and facilities known as SCIFs. And an SCIF is a sensitive compartmented information facility in an enclosed area within a building that's used to process sensitive compartment. Okay, so basically, he still, for some reason, his key card, worked at, like, the bunker.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah, he was getting sensitive information.

[Lace]

Yes. So he had access to this place that was, like, a secret hideaway that was used by the government legitimately. And so he was just bringing his homegirls there.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Why would they hang it up? Like, you'll. You'll never guess. This is cute little bunker. I can show you. No one else has access to it.

[Lace]

That would make me feel legit. If he took me to, like, a cute little b cert. Like a little B16, 13 bunker, like, I was in scandal, that would make me sign over. I'd be like, okay, where's the NDA? Why not? And put you on the payroll? Absolutely.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah. You seem real.

[Lace]

This is legit. So Courtney told some victims they were under surveillance by foreign intelligence agencies and would search them for electronic devices. And when his credibility was called into question because they were like, why are you searching me with. He's probably got, like, one of those beach metal detectors. He's like, why is your metal detector.

[Sasheer Zamata]

This is his iPhone. I don't think it's doing anything.

[Lace]

No, no, it is. It is. I got an app. Oh, that's excellent. I hope it was just his iPhone. And people were like, sir, this feels wrong. So then if they would accuse him of being shady, he would accuse that person of being a spy for foreign powers. So basically, he would just. How did that work?

[Sasheer Zamata]

He's like, I'm not. I'm not lying.

[Lace]

You're a spy.

[Sasheer Zamata]

It's like. But you've been surveilling this person so, quote, unquote, for a long time. You should know if they're a spy or not.

[Lace]

I feel like this is, like, the worst gaslighting. Like, how are you just gonna be like, sir, this feels uncomfortable? And you're like, you uncomfortable. And also, you a spy. I know you are. I'm telling the government. I'm telling the Black man from 24 all about you. He wasn't ever really the president.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah, like, how are you? All your references are just from TV shows. You know who our real president is.

[Nicole Byer]

Right.

[Sasheer Zamata]

And he's like, yeah, Morgan Freeman, right?

[Lace]

The man from all state commercials. Oh, he's also the man from 24. Okay, I take it back.

[Sasheer Zamata]

That's what I meant.

[Lace]

So Courtney also arranged for his adult son to be hired by two of the victim companies, even though he was unqualified. So in addition to getting himself on the payroll at companies, he was like, also, my son is a spy.

[Sasheer Zamata]

I don't like that he got his son involved.

[Lace]

You don't like the nepotism?

[Sasheer Zamata]

I mean, nepotism happens all the time. But I just feel bad. I mean, maybe this son's a scammer too, but I just feel. It feels like unwittingly setting your son up to be to get in some serious trouble later down the line.

[Lace]

That's true, I guess. But what if his son didn't know? You know, nepotism happens all the time. So what if he was just like, son, you got a job now you have a job.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Maybe. Hopefully. I just don't want him to be, like, complicit to a serious crime.

[Lace]

Yeah, that's true. You're right. There could be a bad side to this. I hope the son didn't know, but this guy seems, like, a little shady, so. And also, I'm guessing if I was the son and my dad was like, hey, son, got you a job as a defense contractor. And you're like, I majored in poetry.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Something seems off.

[Nicole Byer]

No, no, no.

[Sasheer Zamata]

I didn't earn this,

[Lace]

but I don't know. Entitlement, white entitlement. You might think you did.

[Sasheer Zamata]

That's true.

[Lace]

Hey, what you gon do? So a side scam? This is just a side scam that he was running while doing other scams. While the CIA scam was going on, Courtney managed to get a job as a contractor with a branch of the National Institute of Health that assists other federal agencies in that role. He had access to sensitive non public information and was able to steer contracts towards companies where he was on the payroll.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Oh, my gosh.

[Lace]

So, man, first of all, you're a workaholic, Courtney. This is.

[Sasheer Zamata]

This is a lot. This is a lot.

[Lace]

You got 50, 11 jobs. Uncle Sam is definitely gonna catch on to you. You can't as many W2s.

[Sasheer Zamata]

This is like the same energy when someone has, like, multiple families where you just, like, you're trying to, like, hide everyone from everyone else, and you're like, I gotta take a weekend trip. And it's like, what? Why? And then this family only has you for three days, but they live on the same street. Yes, Everyone has. All the kids have the same name. Like, that's too much to keep track of.

[Lace]

It is. That is fun. That's a smart way, though. You just name all your illegitimate kids the same names as your other kids. Can't mess that up.

[Sasheer Zamata]

The boy is Brian. Brian.

[Lace]

Brian.

[Sasheer Zamata]

The girl is Gina.

[Lace]

The girl is Other Brian. Everybody's name is Brian. I don't have enough bandwidth for anything else.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah, just Brian, please. Brian. One, two, three.

[Lace]

You're like, daddle. There's only two of us here. Oh, I said Brian three. Oh, I was thinking about getting us a dog.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah.

[Lace]

Surprise. Oh, my gosh. So he had this side scan where he worked at a legitimate business. I. Sir. So obviously this goes to trial. The scheme lasted from 2012 until at least 2016. Garrison Courtney pleaded guilty to one count of wire fraud during a hearing in federal court in Virginia. He faces up to 20 years in prison, and his sentencing is in October. So this is still going on. We don't know how long he's gonna be in the clink. And he must pay full restitution to the 12 unidentified companies as a part of his plea deal. Now, I love how the companies were like, don't put my name in there.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah, that. Because it's embarrassing.

[Lace]

They're coming to trial in masks, and it's not for social distancing. They're coming in ski masks.

[Sasheer Zamata]

I don't want you to know that I fell for this.

[Lace]

They have to be companies that we know.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Oh, absolutely.

[Lace]

I want somebody to find out.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah, I'm sure there's a way. I'm sure when they go through the trial, they have to make it public because they'll have to testify.

[Lace]

You're right. And then maybe if there's a jury, it's gonna come out. We're gonna know who these companies are. Guys, I'll keep my ear to the ground on this because everything always comes out like. I remember. Remember when at the Oscars, they switched moonlight and La La Land? Yeah, I know who did that.

[Sasheer Zamata]

You know, like, the guy.

[Lace]

I know the guy. He. I used to. I can't say too much because I don't want you guys to figure out who this is, but I used to perform with him. And one day, one of my other friends whispered to me. He was like, you know, that's his dad, Right? And I was like, oh, that makes so much sense. And now I fully believe that it was an accident and that it really wasn't an intentional thing to, like, try to give La La Land the Award or to steal anything from moonlight because it knowing this guy's son and like how he is, I was like, oh, this was a man who was just genuinely excited and made a mistake.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Oh, God. I mean, that was a huge mistake. A very, very public mistake.

[Lace]

And that's why he tried to keep hidden. They were like, it brought shame on our family. They're like living Pepperdine. Like, oh, God damn. I can't say anything else. But yeah. So I think this will come to light. I think that we'll figure this out.

[Nicole Byer]

Ye.

[Lace]

Yeah. I'm excited.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah.

[Lace]

So the U.S. attorney's office says that they won't comment on whether individual a could face charges or if the person who was cooperating. Okay. So basically he's saying, like the U.S. attorney's office right now is saying, if you were cooperating with Courtney, we're not sure if we're going to press charges on you yet because maybe you really did think you was in scandal.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah.

[Lace]

And maybe you really did think that this was legit. So I hope that the marks don't get charged.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah, they were taken advantage of.

[Lace]

But also, like, did y' all ever talk to anybody about this deep cover operation? Your wife, drinking buddies, military friends?

[Sasheer Zamata]

Well, they signed the NDA. They couldn't.

[Lace]

Nobody honors those. You just tell somebody. Don't tell nobody what I told you.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Right.

[Lace]

We all have one friend we'll break an NDA for.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Oh, absolutely. Yes. I tell Nicole everything I was about to say.

[Lace]

Is yours Nicole? Yes. She's pretty. She's pretty tight lipped. So that's a good NDA person to have. Well, I'm sure in your relationship. I mean, I'm talking specifically about this. No. Any other capacity. We all love to gossip. Oh, yes, absolutely, yes. Okay, guys, well, we'll be right back for the sad the end of the show after these non scam advertisements, robbery and fraud. All right, this is the saddest part because this is when I have to let Shassir go and I don't want to do that. But this has been so fun. You've been so lovely.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah, this is very fun.

[Lace]

I turned into my fake NPR voice. This has been so fun. You've been so lovely.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Thank you for joining us.

[Lace]

And yes, having Ms. Zemeda here has been a treat. So before we let you go, we want to honor one famous charlatan. Some are famous, some are not. But this is our scammer of the week session where we just honor one person, a grifter that we feel like is worthy of Our praise. And this week, this is a scammer who pretended to be someone's grandmother. So they trolled right back. We've talked about granny scams on here. We talked about granny side. Granny side is where you kill your granny, but this so that you can pretend that your granny did to get out of things. Oh my gosh.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Oh, not actually kill.

[Lace]

No, you don't actually kill.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Just say. You just say like, oh, I can't come because my. I see, I see.

[Lace]

Yes. And they're like, but your granny died last year. This is my other granny. This is my step.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sasheer Zamata]

I have five grannies.

[Lace]

So my grandpa.

[Sasheer Zamata]

This is gonna be a rough year.

[Lace]

So this is where you pretend to be someone's grandma, which is interesting. So when a Reddit user got scammed a scam text from someone claiming to be their own grandmother, they decided to turn the tables by playing along while wasting the scammers time. So I'm just gonna read a little bit of the comments. So this says a guy from Nigeria pretended to be my grandma, so I had some fun.

[Sasheer Zamata]

He started always Nigeria because that is

[Lace]

the Silicon Valley of scams and omo Naijah all day, every day. I love you guys are innovators. I hope everyone there is wearing a black turtleneck just looking like Steve Jobs. Steve Jobs of robbery. Okay, look, in this world, there are the makers and the takers.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Okay, yeah, yeah, they are the innovators.

[Lace]

So this guy starts texting this guy and he's like, answer me, I'll. I miss you. And then the scammers like, I miss you too. I'm still feeling sick because basically the grandma texted and was like, hey, is your grandma feeling sick? Like, can you send some money? Cuz Granny is sick. So then the scammer texts back, you had me worried, crying Granny, I was so sad. And the scammer's like, I need your help now. And then he's like, need me to come over? And he's like, no, help me by going to the store now and getting the $200 Steam Wallet gift card. I really need it. I'm using it to surprise someone special to me. The troller goes, that's so specific, right? Also, weren't you just sick, Granny? Now you're going to surprise parties.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah. Why are you worried about your friend? You're sick, right, Granny?

[Lace]

You stretching yourself too thin. So the troller goes, oh, who is it? And then Granny goes, I will not tell you that yet. Just help me get the card first. And then the troller goes, oh, is it for grandpa? Do you need me to help you to drive to the store to get it?

[Sasheer Zamata]

That's funny.

[Lace]

That's so funny.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Guys, why don't you send me a picture of your face and, you know, let's just FaceTime right now so you can fully explain what you need right from. From the store.

[Lace]

And also, that is. That is hilarious. Also, that reminds me of one more scammer of the week I want to shout out, which is Gen Z, who I spent like a week ago, a lot of time fighting with on Twitter because I was making fun of them, because they were making fun of us. Gen Z has so many tiktoks that are like, millennials ruined everything. Millennials are the reason that everything we watch on TV is from the 90s.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Well, everyone thinks that the generation before them ruined something, and then also the generation is ruining stuff.

[Lace]

I feel like no one thinks Generation X ruined anything. We're just kind of like, I don't know, why are you guys so sad? But the boomers were like, everyone blames the boomers. Gen X are like, we're not thinking about y', all, girl. Y' all sad as hell. And then millennials, they're like, why are y' all so happy? Y' all don't own anything. And they're like, because we gave up. We gave up on it.

[Sasheer Zamata]

We did.

[Lace]

You know how many avocado toasts I can get for the price of a house?

[Sasheer Zamata]

But Gen Z seems like they really don't give a fuck. They're like, we will scream in a cop's face. I love just seeing all those memes that are like, I will ruin a Trump rally. I will scream in a cop's face. But I have anxiety calling the doctor.

[Lace]

I appreciate their dedication to anarchy for sure, but I will say I love it. They have so many videos about us that are like, they have 12 roommates and they can't get a job and all this shit. I was like, damn, I thought we was friends.

[Nicole Byer]

Rude.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah.

[Lace]

I was like, it's crazy to me how Gen Z is trying to come for millennials economic prosperity when they're about to pay a hundred thousand dollars for Zoom University, Right?

[Sasheer Zamata]

Like, it's not gonna get better. Y' all could have a better time.

[Lace]

It's gonna get worse. But I said that, and then it was like, have you ever seen that meme of the grown woman squared up against, like, the three year old? Yes, that was me on the Internet, just fighting children. That's very funny, but I did it Mostly for my sister. She's Gen Z and she loves to talk shit about me. But anyway, the point of this is Gen Z has been dressing up like grandmothers and putting on masks and going to the store to try to buy alcohol.

[Sasheer Zamata]

That's really funny. That's really, really funny.

[Lace]

So I just would love to say the grandma scams. I love all of them. They're so good.

[Sasheer Zamata]

They're, like, stacked on top of each other in a big trench coat.

[Lace]

That's what I hope is happening. Absolutely.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yes.

[Lace]

Well, this was so fun.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Very fun. Thank you for having me.

[Lace]

Thank you for being here.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Is there.

[Lace]

Where can people. Where do you want to be found? That's what we asked on the show. Where do you want to be found? Anything you want people to see?

[Sasheer Zamata]

You mentioned it before, but check out the Weeknd. I'm very proud of that. I have a show called Woke that's gonna be on Hulu in September that I'm very excited about.

[Nicole Byer]

Yes. With Lahorn.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah, he's been on the show.

[Lace]

I love him.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Oh, great. Oh, nice. Yeah, it's a good crew of people. I think it's gonna be really funny and timely. What else? I have a movie called Spree coming out in August that I'm excited about. It's like a thriller.

[Nicole Byer]

Yeah.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Kind of thriller comedy thing.

[Lace]

Yeah.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Branching out a little bit. Best friends podcast. Nicole Byer and I host a podcast on Earwolf about friendship and we answer friends questions and. Yeah. Yes.

[Lace]

And guys, you can always find this podcast at [e-mail] if you want to email, snitch on your friends and family. Scam Goddess pod on all platforms. Guys, I know I haven't put shit on the Instagram. I'm locked out of it. I've been fighting with Instagram about that. They're scamming me. We'll see when I ever am free, y' all start tweeting. Free Lace. Yeah, Instagram. And then if you want to see my nonsense. D I B A L A CI Diva Lacey on all platforms. Alright, Congregation, stay stupid. Gam Goddess. Where y' all going? Look, I know this episode was a little on the short side, which is why I want to give you guys a preview of my bonus content on Stitcher Premium. The show is called Confessions, and it's where we read your letters with my co host, Priscilla Davies. If you like what you hear, you can subscribe at Stitcher Premium and get a month of free listening using code scam. That's Stitcher Premium. Using code scam. Hope you guys love it. This next scam is an oldie. So shout out to y' all who were in school 25 years ago. This person says, hi, my name is Devon, and you can use my name, because this is 25 years old. Okay, Devon, I'm gonna use your name there. Back in my elementary school, we had these things called Davidson dollars. This sounds like something that happens 25 years ago.

[Nicole Byer]

I'm like, that's pretty legit.

[Lace]

The money was named after the school and had the school mascot, a dragon, on it. We earned the money by doing odd jobs around the school and behaving in class. This already sounds like a scam that the school was running on students. Cause, like, what kind of odd jobs are you having the students do? Like, all right, if you mop up the kitchen, that's. That's three Davidson dollars.

[Nicole Byer]

Go ahead and clean up. Put the sawdust down.

[Lace]

That's 1.5 Davidson dollars. Like, y' all turn these kids into employees. I hate America. I hate the economy. How you gonna put these little children to work like this? That's messy. So some teachers would give them out for making good grades. And this date, Devon was elected into the school justice system and would work as a judge during his lunch hours.

[Nicole Byer]

This whole school is a scam. I want out. They got the kids doing their own judge work. Come on, now. These motherfuckers are running the school. What the fuck? Where are the adults?

[Lace]

I feel like the teachers were just, like, taking long lunch breaks or leaving. It's like, you get 10 Davidson dollars to proctor the exam today, Tony.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay. The hell.

[Lace]

Ms. Swanson's gonna be in her car smoking a doobie.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay, Ms. Swanson. What does proct.

[Lace]

Ms. Swanson. She's already gone.

[Nicole Byer]

She's gone.

[Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah.

[Lace]

So this school is bizarre, to say the least. So he was a judge during his lunch hours, and he saw different cases where people would counterfeit Davidson dollars and use them at the school to redeem class prizes. He would then sentence them to detention and whatnot. Who is what? Not Devon.

[Nicole Byer]

I mean, also, I love the fact that he has to take his.

[Sasheer Zamata]

He.

[Nicole Byer]

He's working through lunch. This little child in elementary school is working through his lunch. Anyway, talking about, they got these kids counterfeit. David, I'm done. He had to adjudicate. I'm done.

[Lace]

They got these kids working like Raven Simone. They were like, you starting at 3, and you will never stop.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay?

[Lace]

So he would give them detention and whatnot. I'm very curious as to what. What not is. But here we are at this school.

[Nicole Byer]

It could have meant a lot of shit, right?

[Lace]

After getting a few cases and understanding how they got caught, I decided to give it a try. Wow. Corruption. Corruption in the justice system. This is such a microcosm of America. Like, they were like, we're gonna get these young capitalists on here quick. Davidson dollars. Like, I stabbed my classmate and stole all his Davidson dolls.

[Nicole Byer]

This shit is wild.

[Lace]

So Devon said he decided to get his hand in the game and go dirty. He said he had a friend that worked for the bank.

[Nicole Byer]

They have a bank.

[Lace]

And I got to see how the money was made. So I took the knowledge I had and I printed a few one and five dollar bills because they were nothing and anyone wouldn't think to question. And they were printed on plain white paper. Wow. Counterfeit. We starting the babies with counterfeit in elementary school.

[Nicole Byer]

Elementary.

[Lace]

So after a few months of doing this, teachers and principals caught on to the students using fake money to buy things. So they changed all the money over to colored paper and double side printed the money. I happened to get the inside knowledge before the switch because of my friend, the friend who works at the bank.

[Nicole Byer]

This nigga is doing too much. This is literally fucking much. Devin Davin. Devon, come on now.

[Lace]

Coincidentally, my term was coming up and I was up for re election.

[Nicole Byer]

I hate this story.

[Lace]

Is this made up? Even if this is made up, it's very funny, but this is just insane. So he said he didn't have much time to print the money. I tied with another young lady and wouldn't make as much being a judge. So I decided to go bigger with my counterfeit date. Davidson dollars. I loved having inside knowledge and I needed my friends to be closer to me because he was my bestie then still to this day, one of my best friends. So they got on the scam together and they are still tight. I love it. He was also in the court system as my deputy.

[Sasheer Zamata]

What?

[Lace]

Our deputy. Because I had to share with the other. What the hell? Okay. So because he had to share with the other girl. This was the deputy child. This is complicated. So he said that he got another job at the student shop to prepare for his pivot, because.

[Sasheer Zamata]

What?

[Lace]

I'm just gonna keep reading, y'. All. I can't. So because I couldn't print on white paper anymore and it was getting phased out, we would wash it through the bank store with colored money.

[Nicole Byer]

I'm gonna go now. I don't want any more this said.

[Lace]

He's what?

[Nicole Byer]

He's laundering money I can't.

[Lace]

In elevator.

[Nicole Byer]

We would wash it at the motherfucking store. You get what? Erasers, pencils.

[Lace]

Is he a criminal now? I need to know, because this just shows you that scammers are born, honey. You know, like, you are just born.

[Nicole Byer]

They're not made, they're born.

[Lace]

He said. So at this point, we would exchange my small bills for larger bills. We never got caught because my mom moved in the middle of fifth grade, and I just had to stop. The things we could buy were snacks, little toys. But we also had book sales and a student market day where we could get clothes and jewelry. I bought my mom a hideous purple dress and jewelry once that she never wore but kept it for years. I love that. Devon was, like, out here criming, and he was like, here, I got you something nice, mama from the school store. He's throwing Davidson dolls at her. Like, treat yourself, okay?

[Nicole Byer]

Got my mama a house.

[Lace]

Also, like, how is the school funding all of this basically free shit that the kids are buying with fake money? I'm starting to think, like, maybe they cut a staff member at this school.

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, they. They did.

[Lace]

And they were like, okay, we'll just have all the kids do the janitor's job. If we. If we have all the kids do it, we'll save money by paying them in trinkets, Davidson dollars.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay? We don't need a dean here. Let's just have the kids. They'll adjudicate their own problems. I can't believe it. This. First of all, I want to go to Davidson. I wish I had gone to Davidson.

[Lace]

And he says, side note at the end, the way kids got caught was because there was a water gun in store that was an astronomical amount of money. When kids went to buy it, teachers would step in and ask about it. If you were keeping up with your grades or had multiple jobs, there's no way to prove. So basically, they're saying, like, so if you were keeping up your grades and you had multiple jobs, there's no way to prove that you stole your Davidson dollars or counterfeited. So he always kept multiple jobs. Because he was like, no, look, I'm paid up out here, okay? I work in the Justice Department. I got a homie at the bank. I'm in the status, okay? So I have multiple jobs.

[Nicole Byer]

This is terrible. But I guess if you earn this right gun.

[Lace]

But if you ain't have no job. So basically, the teachers were like, the irs. They go, keep one shiny thing in there and swoop in like, Uncle Sam, like, where you get all that money to buy that water gun. You ain't got no jobs. Your grades are bad, Percy. You get straight Ds?

[Nicole Byer]

You were talking in class last week. I kicked you out eight times. You don't deserve this Nerf gun. The hell? This school was wild, Devon. Like, you might be in for some back pay. You might want to put out a suit against your elementary school. Cause they owe you for all this that you did.

[Lace]

Have you or a loved one worked at Davidson elementary and suffered injuries from unpaid labor.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay?

[Lace]

It's probably making these kids get in the air ducts. They're like, it's 12 Davidson dollars if you get in the air duct, okay?

[Nicole Byer]

Oh, my God. We have. We've been having a rat problem. If you bring back a rat, that's eight Davidson dollars.

[Lace]

So in short, if you went to Davidson Elementary, y' all go ahead and get y' all back pay. Cause y' all been working since the beginning. It's not right. It's not okay. I love that everybody was scamming everybody, though. The teachers, scamming the students. The students.

[Nicole Byer]

The whole school was a damn scam.

[Lace]

It's basically America, a microcosm of America.

[Nicole Byer]

He learned a lot in that school during the pandemic.

[Lace]

There's a point where, at the same time, 40 million Americans were unemployed, and Jeff Bezos was on a track to be the first trillionaire.

[Nicole Byer]

Whoo. Let's not even get. Not to mention what he does to his employees, right?

[Lace]

What happened to the trickle down? What happened to, like, if we don't make billionaires pay taxes, they go hook it up. They hooked up nothing.

[Nicole Byer]

They never do. They never do. They never have. And it's crazy that they keep. Like, people still sign up for that shit. Like, they never have.

[Lace]

I don't want to be a hater. I don't want to be a hater. And maybe this will be your motivation out there. Scammers. But the chances of you making a trillion dollars in your lifetime are extremely, extremely extreme. Extremely low. Don't let these billionaires and trillionaires tell you, like, you gotta be poor your whole life. Cause maybe you gonna be a billionaire like them. Maybe. And then maybe you can have some rights. Like, bitch, I'm tired of waiting for rights,

[Nicole Byer]

okay?

[Lace]

I ain't made a billion dollars. And I got four jobs.

[Nicole Byer]

What's going on?

[Lace]

I got four jobs. Where's my billion dollars? Devin had 12 jobs, okay?

[Nicole Byer]

And he still ain't a billionaire, okay?

[Lace]

He wasn't even a billionaire in the school. Dollars in the Davidson dollars. He couldn't even make a billion of those. And he was counterfeited.

[Nicole Byer]

Okay,

[Lace]

this whole.

[Nicole Byer]

That was a great scam. Oh, man, there's so many levels to it. So many levels. Brilliant.

[Lace]

It.